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Erica Ann I am your friend too. I hope you are doing ok

Erica Ann,

Hey write to me anytime. I have been away from family.. overseas, not alienated.. for many holidays.. but your situation will get bettter.. trust me it will..

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm doing okay, it's just a little bit rough right now, but what the hell, like I said before, a lot of us TG/girls have a hard time around this time of year. That's pretty evident by reading some of the post from another web site I belong to, so I guess I really am "one of the girls". Sometimes the membership dues to these "exclusive clubs" can be quite pricey.

Anyways, I sincerely wish all of all a very Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, which ever applies, and may the upcoming New Year hold new promise for better days!

Hi Everyone,

Made a very bold decision last night and I'm following through with it. It's a slow week at work this week. The president of the company as well as the marketing director are both off on vacation this week and out of the country...so I decided to try full time transition for the next five days. WOW, 24/7 for the next few days.

I came to work this morning, for the very first time, as myself...a female and as I sit here at my desk writing this post, I feel absolutely wonderful. It is an experience beyond belief and while I was a bit apprehensive about it this morning while I was getting dressed, everything has worked out so far.

Just being ones self is such a great experience and this is a wonderfully little experiment for me.

I'll keep you posted as to how it's going, but so far so good.

My fingers are crossed and I'm holding my breath for you. --FLO--

Hey Everyone!

What an absolutely wonderful day! I feel I can sum up today's experience in 3 words...fabulous and fantastic!

The day went off without a hitch. Our accountant was very complimentary today. She loved my shoes, simple black pumps with a 2" heel, and she thought that I had "very nice legs." She's so cute and understanding!

Went to work tasteful dressed...gray colored skirt that comes about mid knee, a white colored v-neck sweater and hosiery.

Went to lunch with her to a local sit down restaurant. Walked in and the host looked at us and asked "May I seat you ladies?" I responded with a "yes" in my best female voice and were immediately seated at a very nice window booth. Didn't even get "clocked" too many times. The "clocking" thing I'm used to. If they're that ignorant to stare...let them. I hope I can at least provide some entertainment value in their lives!

What a liberating experience today was!

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Sat Sep 16, 2006 7:26 am I can't even begin to put into words the feeling

of truly being one with one's self.

Working in a small office we have 2 unisex restrooms. Every time I used the restroom today and washed my hands I couldn't help but look at my reflection in the mirror. For so many years I longed to see the "real me" in that mirror and today I saw her for the very first time, in that very mirror, in the office at work. WOW! Don't ever say that dreams don't come true for today it happened to me.

I felt it was a very fitting way to celebrate my first anniversary of starting FHRT.

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Fri Dec 29, 2006 1:22 pm Hey Everyone!

What an absolutely wonderful day! I feel I can sum up today's experience in 3 words...fabulous and fantastic!

The day went off without a hitch. Our accountant was very complimentary today. She loved my shoes, simple black pumps with a 2" heel, and she thought that I had "very nice legs." She's so cute and understanding!

Went to work tasteful dressed...gray colored skirt that comes about mid knee, a white colored v-neck sweater and hosiery.

Went to lunch with her to a local sit down restaurant. Walked in and the host looked at us and asked "May I seat you ladies?" I responded with a "yes" in my best female voice and were immediately seated at a very nice window booth. Didn't even get "clocked" too many times. The "clocking" thing I'm used to. If they're that ignorant to stare...let them. I hope I can at least provide some entertainment value in their lives!

What a liberating experience today was!

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Sat Sep 16, 2006 7:26 am I

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Fri Dec 29, 2006 1:22 pm can't even begin to put into words the feeling

of truly being one with one's self.

Working in a small office we have 2 unisex restrooms. Every time I used the restroom today and washed my hands I couldn't help but look at my reflection in the mirror. For so many years I longed to see the "real me" in that mirror and today I saw her for the very first time, in that very mirror, in the office at work. WOW! Don't ever say that dreams don't come true for today it happened to me.

I felt it was a very fitting

way to celebrate my first anniversary of starting FHRT.

Ain't much to say, 'cept AMEN Sister! You go, G-u-u-u-rl!

WoW!!! I am so happy and proud of you Erica. Gosh, I can only imagine the feeling you are going through. I know when Christina and I go out to eat or shopping, I think she gets a few stares,but I think some of that might have to do with her height. I only see her as a woman and I think she passes very well. But yanno, if anyone ever said anything nasty to her, I might only be 4'10 but as she says to me when we play yahoo pool, "you have a mouth like a sailor" which I agree at times. *giggles* I wouldn't hesitate to take up for her in a heartbeat. Keep up your dreams Erica and be happy in your life.

big hugss, Lilac

Hi Everyone,

Well day two was as much of a success as the first day. Went to work dressed "very professional" yesterday wearing a black two piece suit with a white blouse and black pumps.

Went to lunch with Joann, the accountant, and the spouse and had a great time. Made a run to the local Staples office supply store in the morning. I had a gentlemen open the door for me and got "Mame'd" three time in a 30 minute time period. I left the store with the biggest smile on my face!

I even stopped at the gas station on the way home to fill the car and went inside to pay instead of paying at the pump.

My spouse has always told me that I have enough confidence for 4 people. That confidence level has now grown to a level of about 8 people.

Three more days to go in this "little experiment" and the feeling is beyond words.

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:28 am Hi Everyone,

Well day two was as much of a success as the first day. Went to work dressed "very professional" yesterday wearing a black two piece suit with a white blouse and black pumps.

........

My spouse has always told me that I have enough confidence for 4 people. That confidence level has now grown to a level of about 8 people.

Three more days to go in this "little experiment" and the feeling is beyond words.

Congratulations Erica!

Sounds like you are doing great. How did the people at work react toward you and what will happen when you go back as that other person? You are very fortunate to have such an accepting spouse.

Mac (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 31, 2006 2:06 am Congratulations Erica!

Sounds like you are doing great. How did the people at work react toward you and what will happen when you go back as that other person? You are very fortunate to have such an accepting spouse.

Dear Mac,

Since there were only two of us in the office this week, the other being the company accountant who already knows about me, I was accepted very well.

I did inform her of my intentions on Wednesday afternoon, just to be certain that she didn't have any problems with it. It never has nor will it ever be my intension to embarrass or to make anyone ill at ease with my presence around them.

She was very receptive of me. She complimented me on my shoes, which she just loved, and she thought that I had great legs. She's very kind.

What will happen when I return to the office on Tuesday in "male mode"? Probably nothing, being that we are the only two that witnessed "my little experiment" in RLE. She's known about me for 6 months or so now and so far she has kept my true identity to herself. She did say to me on Friday "I don't know why you bother to keep dressing as a guy when you look so good and so happy as yourself."

It'll be hard for me to go back to work in "male mode", but I knew going into this small try at full transition, that it was going to be a limited experiment or experience. I guess it was more to see if I could be successful at transition, which in itself is a bold and difficult task to accomplish.

My spouse did admit to me that it was very hard for her to see me walk out the door on Thursday and Friday morning as "me". She told me that it was basically out of concern for me, but down deep inside of me, I can't help but feel it was out of concern for herself. I can't help but get the feeling that she truly wanted me to fail at my attempt.

I think that she feels comfortable with my current level of transition, that being full time on the weekends, but she is afraid that if I was successful at this try, that it would provide the motivation to go full time.

I have learned some unexpected lessons from this experiment or should I say confirmations. I had a long talk with my oldest son over dinner last night. Just him and I and while I thought that he had some small amount of acceptance for me, I found out quite differently. Once again, about the only thing he can offer is conditional love. "Dad I love you just not when you dress this way."

I'm really beginning to wonder if all of the pain and hurt that I have brought to so many others over this GID issue is worth it. I'm I being selfish in my pursuit to be myself? Is it really worth the alienation and the rejection that I have brought to my family and to others?

My youngest son keeps telling me that this is my cross to bear in life and to just suck it up and be "the man" that the Lord made me.

I currently have a call into my therapist to make an appointment with her to discuss this whole issue with her. I'm really feeling the need to talk to someone over this, especially in light of how hard this past Christmas was.

Erica Ann,

Congrats on the success of your RLT. I know it must feel wonderful for you to be the person you've always wanted to be finally.

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 01, 2007 2:48 am I'm really beginning to wonder if all of the pain and hurt that I have brought to so many others over this GID issue is worth it. I

t's a tough decision for anyone to commit to, especially with family involved. On the one hand I'm sure you are thinking that you don't want to hurt anyone, but on the other you'd be denying something that has plagued you and will keep you from being truely happy.

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 01, 2007 2:48 am I'm I being selfish in my pursuit to be myself?

I think not. You are doing this because of the need to do it, not out of any selfishness or any need to draw attention to yourself.

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 01, 2007 2:48 am Is it really worth the alienation and the rejection that I have brought to my family and to others?

This is a question we have all ask ourselves. Ultimately you are the only one who can answer it.

Having a good therapist with an unbias opinion can do much in guiding you to the answers you seek. Above all keep everyone that matters most to you in your life in the loop.

Hi Everyone,

Well the great experiment in RLE has come to an end. It's now Tuesday and I'm back in the office in "male mode". Upon reflecting on the events of the past 5 days, I would have to consider this try as a great success. I've learned a great deal, both good and bad, from this experience.

I have come to find that I can pass as female, most of the time. I just have to keep my baritone voice in check.

I have found that there is not as much acceptance for me and this GID situation as I had thought, at least within my own family.

There is no greater feeling in the world than being yourself, for the first time in my life.

With that being said, I'm looking forward to my next attempt, whenever the opportunity may present itself again.

I also heard back from my therapist this morning and have an appointment with her tomorrow night to discuss the feelings I mentioned in my earlier post.

Hi Everyone,

I went to see my therapist the other night and got a few things straightened out in my head and my heart. She was kind enough to explain the difference between self interest and selfishness.

Self interest is proceeding on one's desires while trying to keep other's feelings in mind and I feel that's what I'm trying to do. I just want to be me without hurting anyone in the process. The problem being...that's not an easy thing to accomplish.

The spouse and I have been having a bit of rough time as of late, especially over our youngest son, whom she feels the need to protect from me. But come on...how much protection does a 21 year old male need? He is a man now. Her feelings over this matter are starting to take their toll on our marriage and something has to change. She's going to have to come down on one side or the other. She just keeps "riding the fence" so to speak.

My son's girl friend is coming into town to see him tonight and while she knows about me, there are people in my household that feel the need to protect her from me...from an appearance standpoint.

I'm feeling a bit put off by the whole matter considering I've pretty much fully transitioned on the weekends.

It's hard. I have to be in "male mode" all week and I live for the weekends, if you know what I mean? So I may have to disappear for the day tomorrow if I want to be myself.

But after a long talk last night, I believe I may have made a break though with my youngest son. I think he is finally beginning to realize that his incessant beating of me with his Bible and his religious views is backfiring on him. I think he is beginning to see that GID is a real thing and not something that I've come up with in my own mind. In other words...maybe Dad's not crazy after all.

I've never asked for his acceptance, approval or encouragement...just a little bit of understanding. I don't think I'm asking for too much considering I still support him.

You and your spouse both have my sympathy and understanding with regards to your youngest son. The youngest seems to be the one that a person wants to protect, even when the youngest seldom needs protection. The youngest is also the one that we need to be closest to. The conflict in your life must be difficult for all three of you. With a little luck a commonality of affection will help to get you past this rough spot. My best wishes to you all. --FLO--

never mind what people say or think as long as you and your wife are happy nothing else matters

...

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 06, 2007 10:35 pm after a long talk last night, I believe I may have made a break though with my youngest son. I think he is finally beginning to realize that his incessant beating of me with his Bible and his religious views is backfiring on him. I think he is beginning to see that GID is a real thing and not something that I've come up with in my own mind. In other words...maybe Dad's not crazy after all.

Erica,

Your statement brings to mind a non-fiction book I'm reading: Prayers for Bobby: A Mother's Coming to Terms with the Suicide of her Gay Son" by Leroy Aarons, 1995. It tells of a religious family in which the mother hammers her gay, teenaged son with religion. The son was especially troubled since he was religious, too. The announcement that he was gay put a rift between him and his family. All of his previously-admirable qualities (gentle, sensitive, funloving) became eclipsed by this one quality, a quality he didn't ask for, didn't like, and didn't possess until puberty. He lived a tortured life from then on and committed suicide at 21 (in 1983). His innermost thoughts are captured in a journal which the book quotes from. (I feel a real kinship with Bobby. Some of the despairing quotes sound like they came from my diary.) The mother, Mary Griffith, took years to process her son's death and finally came to the conclusion "God had not healed Bobby because there was nothing wrong with him" (pg 115).

To the reader: I don't want to cause thread drift regarding gay/religion stuff. If you have an opinion, just get the book and read it.

My point is this: Yes, Erica, hopefully your son will be able

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 06, 2007 10:35 pm to see that GID is a real thing

-- a genuine part of your identity -- not a fetish or something that requires "healing." When I examine my GID in light of religion, I think "playing the man" would be a travesty, a mockery of what religion represents: living a genuine, truthful life. So I'm going to live by the truth and be who I am -- whatever that is.

Your friend,

Terri

Erica,

bryan (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:58 pm Your statement brings to mind a non-fiction book I'm reading: Prayers for Bobby: A Mother's Coming to Terms with the Suicide of her Gay Son" by Leroy Aarons, 1995. It tells of a religious family in which the mother hammers her gay, teenaged son with religion. The son was especially troubled since he was religious, too. The announcement that he was gay put a rift between him and his family. All of his previously-admirable qualities (gentle, sensitive, funloving) became eclipsed by this one quality, a quality he didn't ask for, didn't like, and didn't possess until puberty. He lived a tortured life from then on and committed suicide at 21 (in 1983). His innermost thoughts are captured in a journal which the book quotes from. (I feel a real kinship with Bobby. Some of the despairing quotes sound like they came from my diary.) The mother, Mary Griffith, took years to process her son's death and finally came to the conclusion "God had not healed Bobby because there was nothing wrong with him" (pg 115).

To the reader: I don't want to cause thread drift regarding gay/religion stuff. If you have an opinion, just get the book and read it.

My point is this: Yes, Erica, hopefully your son will be able

[quote="EricaAnn (imported)" ti

bryan (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:58 pm me=1168083300]
to see that GID is a real thing

-- a genuine part of your identity -- not a fetish or something that requires "healing." When I examine my GID in light of religion, I think "playing the man" would be a travesty, a mockery of what religion represents: living a genuine, truthful life. So I'm going to live by the truth a
[/quote]
nd be who I am -- whatever that is.

Your friend,

Terri

Wow! Great post. I think its SO worth reading on a number of levels. The thing that has troubled me about the forum is not the folks who have GID and are having surgery to get them "right" I don't have problems with people who are super obsessed to the point of madness about sex and want to dial it down. I try to be open minded but I do admit I'm not keen on the "Fetish" angle. People who get off on this and want some sort of combo surgical jerk off etc. Someone asked me why I felt it was different to support one "choice" and not be ok with another. Thank you for putting that into coherent words. Hope all is going well for you and I hope 2007 is better yet!

MtT aka James

Erica Ann,

I just read your story to date,and all I can say is... Wow! I bet every TS sees themself in at least part of your story. You should take what amounts to being your "blog" in this thread and turn it into a real book.

Your youngest son and my mother are similar. I never had to "come out" to my mother; she's known all along from my actions. She used to preach Leviticus to me regularly. One day, I simply asked her if she'd read Luke 6:20-38 and Matthew 7 recently. She hasn't preached Scripture at me since.

I will echo what others have said; you do have a lot of support here.

Jamie

(Preop MTF TS)

Hi MsJamie,

Welcome to E.A. and thanks for your post.

It hasn't been easy, but then again, no one said it would. Many people out there think we're freaks or simply, "A guy in a dress". To me...it's a very real thing. Why else would anyone subject themselves to the rejection, the loss of family and friends, the ridicule, the whispers behind your back or the out right face to face confrontations that many of us face if there was not this driving force within us to be ourselves.

My good friend Mike, who is doing his absolute best to try to understand the whole GID issue, put it best when he said to my spouse "can you image the magnitude of the force within him that drives him to do this." I can, because that "force" is within me.

Hi Everyone,

I've been so busy as of late and have had some computer problems to resolve with a few new upgrades that's it's kept me from posting.

Things are going well. My youngest son is finally starting to come around to the whole concept of GID and along with some acceptance, peace is coming to this house at last. Nothing new on the other family matter. It's now been almost 6 months and not a word from any of them. Oh well.

I'm now into my 3rd week of being on injectable estrogen. According to my endocrinologist, my metabolism rate is so high and he can't get my estrogen level up high enough using the oral form...even at the daily dosage of 8 Mg.'s.

I'm currently at 75 pg./ml. and he wants me up around 400-420 pg./ml. which is the normal estrogen level for a genetic female, mid cycle, in her early 20's. So I'm now on a weekly dosage of 0.5 cc's of injectable estrodial and in the process I've learned how to give myself an injection as well as how to properly fill a syringe. Kinda like throwing a dart...only aimed at your own thigh.

Got a raise in the salary at work last week, which is good. Makes one feel a bit more appreciated...if you know what I mean?

I'm now transitioned full time on the weekends and there is no better feeling than being one's self...even if it's currently from Friday night to Monday mornings, but that's my life for the time being, which, in my opinion is better than no life at all.

I'm glad your Doctor is getting your hormones into the right zone. Life for me in my m2M project went from miserable to wow! Injectables are a interesting way to get there. Does your Doctor prescribe the injections monthly or weekly or??? Mine suggested a monthy cycle but I talked to a bunch of guys who said this was a roller coaster. One week insane high levels. Two weeks of normality and one week of depressing low levels.

I heard from my endocrinologist today with the results of my latest blood tests. Liver and kidney function was excellent as well as my blood sugar levels. My testosterone level is at 22 pg./ml. Normal genetic female levels run anywhere from 20-75 pg./ml.

My estrogen level was at 605 pg./ml. WOW, what a difference the injectable estrodial is over the oral version....a little too high now. It should be between 400 and 420 pg./ml. so he's cut back my weekly dosage to 0.4 cc's from 0.5.

I go back for another blood test in 3 weeks. If I didn't know better...this stuff is like "female Prozac", I swear.

Hi Everyone,

Had a great weekend! The spouse and me met another TS and her spouse for dinner downtown on Friday night. I know Shaunna through another web site that I belong to. She was in town for a follow-up with Dr. Z. She had BA with him four weeks ago and looks absolutely great! We had so much fun and the food was fabulous.

On a whim, I decided to stop by my Mom's house this afternoon. She at least answered the door, which is more than I thought she'd do, but would not let me in. She told me that she couldn't see me this way (I was dressed in gender appropriate clothing) and when I decide to go back to being her son, she would talk with me again. Something I can't really do...considering I've never really been a man and therefore couldn't be her son. She just doesn't understand and probably never will. Oh well...it was worth a try. :-\

Had Terry over for dinner last Wednesday night. It was good to see her. Haven't spoken with her in quite some time. Her hair is looking great.

I've got another appointment scheduled with my endocrinologist for a blood test this coming Thursday night. It will be interesting to see where my estradiol level is at since I'm now on injectable.

Everything else is beginning to work it's way through and while I still have a long road ahead of me as far a transition goes, I feel I'm well on my way.

Hi Everyone,

I'm so excited that I just had to share the news. This morning I made an appointment for my free consultation with Dr. Z. For those of you that aren't familiar with the good doctor, Dr. Z is a fairly famous plastic surgeon in the Chicago area that specializes in FFS (female facial surgery). I'm going to see him on Monday, April 2nd to see what he can do with my old male face to make me more feminine or beautiful.

I know two girls that he has worked on and I've got to say that he does very nice work.

If things go well, I'm hoping to get my FFS sometime late this summer. OMG, I can't wait!

I've also noticed a much more rapid change in my physical appearance since going on the injectable form of estrogen 7 weeks ago. Little things like the fat transfer between my waist and hips has picked up dramatically. I'm actually beginning to develop that "hour glass" shape of a women. Breast development has also increased during the past 7 weeks. I'm really starting to get a decent set of boobies. There has also been a sharp increase in the softening of my face. My spouse even mentioned it to me the other day.

WOW, the hormones are really starting to kick in now and I'm real excited with the changes and the increased pace of my development.

I also have an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed tonight for the first time. I'm going to have them arched and thinned out. Pretty excited about this too.