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This evening, I spent my time at the arboretum photographing flowers and insects. I have never been a big insect fan but somehow in a closeup lens they become more interesting. As long as they keep their distance. I had no clue until I started downloading the photos (still in progress) that I had taken 146. That's one of the problems with digital cameras. I lose all sense of control and just keep shooting pictures.

On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up the estrogen and another prescription. Of course, the estrogen prescription has my male name on it. I have not changed my legal name but hope to have that done by the end of August.

The pharmacist was helping me until he looked at the prescriptions and then at me. He then handed the prescriptions to someone else, instructing him to help the 'person in the yellow shirt'. The younger male assistant helped me with no problem.

This pharmacy is in the 'burbs and I was only a little surprised. The downtown pharmacy near my office has been terrific about the whole thing, even calling me by my female name. That pharmacy has several TS clients.

What the hell is wrong with these suburban people! To be fair, I should change that to 'what the hell is wrong with this suburban person!'. I live in this suburb and have had nothing but polite treatment so far.

So this evening's incident did not upset me. In fact, I was laughing on my way out of the store! I transitioned almost 11 weeks ago and this was my first problem. At that, it wasn't even a big deal. If this pharmacist had been the only one in the store and had refused to help me, I definitely would have made a stink about it. I didn't bother because I was helped and I was worn out from over 2 hours of walking around the arboretum which also involved a lot of kneeling on stone walkways, bending and getting up and down as I shot those pesky flowers. Why can't they all blossom at eye level?

I have been dealing with my usual July - August asthma attack. To reduce lung inflammation, I am prescribed the steroid prednisone. A problem is that the 'usual' dose of prednisone used to treat asthma has absolutely no effect on me. So, I am given 3 - 4 times that amount.

Prednisone is a miracle drug and within several hours of starting it I get some relief. After a week or so, though, it starts to make me hyperactive and I get no more than 5 hours of sleep a night. So, I was interested this go round to see if my estrogen HRT would change my reactions. Perhaps the estrogen might even keep me calm, as it has done remarkably well over the last month or more.

What I have found is that I still get no more than 5 hours of sleep a night after more than a week on prednisone. I have had a few days when I have felt hyperactive but not to the extent as in the past. I feel tired but not stressed out about it. I am really very calm today.

There are other emotional effects I can reasonably tie to taking estrogen. More on those another time.

my sister takes prednisone when she gets MS attacks it effects her the same way

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 06, 2008 12:02 pm my sister takes prednisone when she gets MS attacks it effects her the same way

Hi Kennath7,

I have a friend who gets MS attacks and he takes prednisone, too. It can really help things but the side effects can be tiresome, at best. I am lucky in that I don't have to take it all the time like some others.

Turns out I am no longer feeling the calm I reported earlier in the evening! I just took a prescription mood stabilizer and things will be much better in the morning.

Within the last two weeks, I have noticed a big change in my emotions that seems to be estrogen-related. I feel much more feminine and some of the poeple I speak with regularly must notice a change. When I look at some of the personal things I have written people within the last week, even I am a little surprised at a shift in tone.

I have tended to be very emotional, especially for one who identified as male, much of my adult life. Even in my 30s, I would cry at the end of practically any movie I saw. It made no difference whether the film was a comedy or a more serious feature. I would often sob out loud at the end and be in tears. So for years there has been a part of my feminine self I allowed to come out, at least in a darkened theater.

The feelings I have now are similarly feminine, not surprisingly! They are more intense and a more constant presence than what I am used to. I like this.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:06 am I have been dealing with my usual July - August asthma attack. To reduce lung inflammation, I am prescribed the steroid prednisone. A problem is that the 'usual' dose of prednisone used to treat asthma has absolutely no effect on me. So, I am given 3 - 4 times that amount.

Prednisone is a miracle drug and within several hours of starting it I get some relief. After a week or so, though, it starts to make me hyperactive and I get no more than 5 hours of sleep a night. So, I was interested this go round to see if my estrogen HRT would change my reactions. Perhaps the estrogen might even keep me calm, as it has done remarkably well over the last month or more.

What I have found is that I still get no more than 5 hours of sleep a night after more than a week on prednisone. I have had a few days when I have felt hyperactive but not to the extent as in the past. I feel tired but not stressed out about it. I am really very calm today.

There are other emotional effects I can reasonably tie to taking estrogen. More on those another time.

This is based on the whole 15 minutes of R&D I've done so take this with a huge grain of salt. Try DHEA maybe 25mg before bed and a small dose of melatonin and see if that helps you sleep. DO expect vivid dreams (Great fun for me btw) when your DHEA levels are healthy.

mrt (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:16 pm This is based on the whole 15 minutes of R&D I've done so take this with a huge grain of salt. Try DHEA maybe 25mg before bed and a small dose of melatonin and see if that helps you sleep. DO expect vivid dreams (Great fun for me btw) when your DHEA levels are healthy.

Hi MrT,

In general, I tend to discount 15 minutes of R&D work. Anyway, my sleep pattern is nearly back to normal now. In another two days, I will be off prednisone entirely and not a day too soon. It has been causing me all kinds of unpleasant side effects.

Hugs,

Danya

I am on spironolactone to reduce my testosterone level. With testosterone suppressed, less estrogen is needed for feminization. Sounds good and in general I have no problem with spironolactone.

Except when I have to take prednisone to reduce the inflammation of an asthma attack. I have been doing exactly that for the last 10 days to two weeks. The combination of spiro and prednisone causes very painful muscle cramps over much of my legs, feet, toes, hands and fingers. These cramps are not quick to subside, unlike the Charley Horse type. To make things worse, they wake me multiple times overnight and I cannot easily get rid of them. Driving a car can become an exercise in mind over painful, cramped muscles. Sometimes I have to pull over, get out and walk for several minutes to slightly alleviate the pain. Then I can continue to drive for a time before the pain once again becomes too much.

So for the last two weeks, I have been short on sleep not only from insomnia from prednisone use but also from painful night cramps. During the day, I have been unable to get routine chores done around the house become my fingers and hands get locked into uncomfortable positions. Grasping things with a hand tends to brings on worse cramping.

I have seen web references to problems with combining these two drugs. Spironolactone is a potassium-sparing diuretic. Concomittant use with prednisone causes water and sodium retention which is bad news if you are on spiro.

For the last several days, I stopped taking spiro. I hoped this would reduce my muscle cramps and I think it has helped. I have also been drinking plenty of water to ease dehydration. That can worsen cramping.

Tomorrow, I see my HRT doctor and I will discuss the spiro/prednisone problem with her.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:30 pm For the last several days, I stopped taking spiro. I hoped this would reduce my muscle cramps and I think it has helped. I have also been drinking plenty of water to ease dehydration. That can worsen cramping.

Tomorrow, I see my HRT doctor and I will discuss the spiro/prednisone problem with her.

When I was using this same spironolactone/prednisone combination early this year, I did not want to stop the spiro and lose the T-lowering effect. Never mind I reported then on such bad cramping in the tub that I wasn't sure I could get out before I drowned! More than one Archive friend thought I was being too stubborn about continuing the spiro while I was on prednisone. They were right! At the time, I preferred to look at my behavior as 'strong-willed' but I was really being silly (you are certainly free to view this as a euphemism) about the whole thing. There is just no getting around that.

I 'think' I am less stubborn now although I am certain some of that trait will always remain. At least I stopped the spiro several days ago without needing an OK from the doctor.

When I saw the doctor today and told her about the cramps, she said she was confident I was 'smart enough' to have stopped the spironolactone on my own. Whew, thank God I had already done that! Anyway, I asked her what 'smart' had to do with anything at all in these matters. Even when I know the sensible thing to do, I don't always do it.

We agreed that the next time I need to get on prednisone, I will stop the spiro immediately. Only when I am entirely off prednisone will I start it again. The effects of spiro take a while to both build and diminish, anyway. All will be well.

Today I got the results for the blood drawn a week ago. The doctor reported all is well. One of the things I like about this woman physician is she always has a copy of the results for me to take with me.

When I was last tested two months ago, I was surprised my total T was 500 ng/dL (expected values for men are 240 - 950). A level of 500 seemed improbable given my history of being on a T-blocker of some type for eight months at that point.

The results today were more encouraging. Testosterone was down to 138 ng/dL which is well below the normal range. It is still higher than I would like but it IS headed in the right direction. My total T was 5.5 ng/dL. This is also a good result as the 'expected values' are 9 - 30.

Liver function was normal, as were cholesterol, trigylcerides, HDL cholesterol, LDL cholesterol and so on. This was good news.

As of tonight, then, I am able to double my dose of estrogen. I ordered a pizza to celebrate! I try to eat sensibly, and inexpensively, most of the time but today's good news on the hormone front is a reason to bend the dietary rules.

"

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Aug 12, 2008 12:33 pm As of tonight, then, I am able to double my dose of estrogen.

"

Yay! That should be quite nice.

138 (Shudder) I mean ahh! thats GREAT! For you.... I was a train wreck at an even higher level but of course your "mix" is now female so you not just tanking on everything at once. "Balance Grasshopper" My Zen thought for the day...

Anyway I'm very pleased to her your good to go for Estrogen Stage 2!!!

DD:D

mrt (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:16 pm This is based on the whole 15 minutes of R&D I've done so take this with a huge grain of salt. Try DHEA maybe 25mg before bed and a small dose of melatonin and see if that helps you sleep. DO expect vivid dreams (Great fun for me btw) when your DHEA levels are healthy.

I have not tried the DHEA but...

Since my estrogen dose was doubled a mere two days ago, I have had very vivid dreams. Of course, it is way too soon to conclude that this is due to the estrogen and not something else entirely.

"

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Aug 12, 2008 12:33 pm As of tonight, then, I am able to double my dose of estrogen.

"

Yay! That should be quite nice.

Hi tanglog,

I sure hope so! I suspect it will b

mrt (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:10 am e several weeks before I notice anything different.

138 (Shudder) I mean ahh! thats GREAT! For you.... I was a train wreck at an even higher level but of course your "mix" is now female so you not just tanking on everything at once. "Balance Grasshopper" My Zen thought for the day...

Anyway I'm very pleased t

o her your good to go for Estrogen Stage 2!!!

DD:D

MrT,

I always enjoy your sense of humor. I may be experiencing a bit of the 'train wreck' effect myself. My T is finally lower. My estrogen level, however, has shown only a slight increase over two months ago. At that time, I was taking spironolactone for T suppression but no E at all.

So, two months ago my estrogen (estradiol) level was 38 pg/mL. After two months on estrogen, it had increased only very slightly to 40 pg/mL. The normal range of estradiol in adult men is 10 - 60 pg/mL. Of course, my starting dose of E was low. Something certainly happened during those two months on E, though, because my T plummeted.

I return to the doctor's office in two months for more blood tests. If all that is again fine, we will double the estrogen dose a final time.

I have read a number of online accounts of transitioning women. One of the things many of these describe is the huge costs that can be incurred in the effort to become 'passable'. I haven't discussed these much but I will tonight. Watching a set of DVDs on voice, hair and makeup tips for trans women got me thinking.

The videos are largely narrated by well-known Calpernia Addams. Calpernia used to be a makeup artist and is herself transsexual. In her opening remarks, she voices her objection to the use of term 'passing' to describe trans women fitting in and not being 'clocked'. That is, if they pass well people accept them as women and look no closer. Calpernia's problem with 'passing' is that it is dependent on how others view us, rather than our own feelings. She prefers to use 'blending' instead of 'passing'. I find the difference in terms too subtle to be useful. Her point is valid, though, in that it is how a transwoman feels about herself that is most important.

An interesting aside: a local trans female friend told me months ago that if people saw three cues (i.e., objects) on me that were clearly womanly, they would tend to accept me as a woman. I have found this to be a good rule of thumb and I use it whenever I get ready to leave the house. Examples of cues could be earrings with gems, eye shadow, well done makeup and feminine jewelry, among others.

At any rate, the videos are well made and address number of concerns specific to the transsexual community. Many women start electrolysis to remove their facial hair only after they have transitioned. So this obvious sign of masculinity remains. I am nowhere near finishing electrolysis but most of my facial hair is gray anyway. It is not usually very visible. The makeup video describes the most effective techniques for covering over facial hair.

Ms. Addams spends a lot of time describing differences between the typical male and typical female facial structures. Males tend to have a prominent brow ridge, for instance. Women generally lack this. Ways to highlight existing female-like facial features will be discussed later in the video.

There was a discussion in the video of facial feminization surgery (FFS), electrolysis, SRS, voice exercises, face lifts, dermabrasion on the face, orthodontics and breast augmentation surgery. Ms. Addams' emphasized in this discussion that many trans women either cannot afford or do not feel the need for FFS and complete electrolysis. This is perfectly fine

If I were to go through all of the procedures possible to look more feminine, I would likely spend something in the range of $80,000 to $100,000. There is no way I have the resources to do this. Besides, I already feel I 'blend' ('pass') well. For the most part, it doesn't matter to me if anyone else agrees with my self-assessment. The only thing that matters in the end is my own comfort level and I am fine there. Two therapists have stated I pass well, though, and women at work comment on my attractiveness. Of course, some of them are making a comparison between the woman I am and the man they used to see. There is no hiding the fact that I am 56 years old, though this can be an advantage. As men and women age, their features tend to become more similar. This doesn't mean I don't want to look as good as I can. I will spend some time learning more about makeup techniques. The creative use of makeup is any easy and relatively inexpensive way to highlight existing desireable facial features while making more masculine ones less noticeable.

I will send in the paperwork Saturday to start the process of legally changing my name. The county court should contact me within a week or so to set a court date. After the court approves the name change, I will have 30 days to get a new license. My HRT doctor told me Monday that she will have no problem providing the required documentation to permit m

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:51 pm e to have my gender changed to female on my license.

For awhile now, I thought I would go with a first and last name only. Now, I have chosen a middle name that is age appropriate. It is one I have always liked, besides. I still haven't made up my mind on whether to go with a new last name or not. By Saturday morning, I will make a decision. If I change my last name, it will be to one I have thought of using for several months now.

I have been invited again to join some of the gals from work for a once-a-month get together at a local restaurant on Tuesday of next week. I really enjoyed this before and can't wait to meet with these women again.

On the way home from the office, I stopped at Penney's to get a new purse. The zipper on the one I've got broke. This store always seems to have a sale going on so I got a really nice purse for $23. Of course, being a woman (or at least being a certain type of woman ), I couldn't resist looking at the dresses. I tried on three and bought one that was reduced in price by 75%. I had looked at it weeks ago when it had the higher price tag. It is very nice and the really low price made it impossible to pass up. They must be trying to move out their warm-weather clothing.

I saw my gender therapist today. Once again, I read to her from things I have written here on the Archive. She said again that I should write a book. Perhaps one day I will but for now I am just at the start of my journey. The story is a long way from being finished. I am giving some thought to starting my own web site. I would post my own experiences there but I would also like such a site to serve as a resource in a number of areas related to TG people and sexuality. There is a lot of misinformation out there, even on some sites started by trans women. I'd still continue to post on the Archive, which has been a haven for me.

This last Sunday, I was substitute organist at my home congregation. I had a blast and people noticed. One woman who hadn't heard me before said I made the organ sing and she hadn't heard it played that way before. I had chosen simple music because the service fell on the last day of the Midwest MoM. I didn't want to be tied up with a lot of practice time that would take me away from MoM activities. The music was still effective. Everyone treated me very well, which is typical for this Christian, mainline congregation which is unusual in a number of ways. They openly welcome everyone wtihout reservation or restraint. Pastors there have stated in sermons that non-Christian faiths are equally valid paths. That I particularly like because as I get older I find that my own faith is, perhaps, too confined by Christian doctrine.

My asthma attack is finally in remission and I feel terrific. I also feel much more emotional and I like that. Whether or not that is tied to the estrogen I am taking is in a way irrelevant. Whatever is going on, I feel at home with who I am

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:03 am [quote="Danya (imported)" tim

e=1213332120]
for the first time in my life.
[/quote]
Things just don't get any better than that.

I'm not saying this because I'm your friend but I would anyway! You blend fine! If I was in a store and didn't know before hand I would not be "wondering" what gender you were... Its very obvious that what your doing works. Don't start loosing confidence!

Re: The E2 test... This is good technique to measure and go slow. I suspect the women who have problems with hormones are often because they are jump started with super high doses. Adding it in a gradual way has got to be easier on the body and more natural.

Forget my PVT question on Names you answered that here!

Meeting Danya at the Midewest MoM, She looks great. It takes a real lot of courage to transform from Male to Female. Courage that I do not have. I have to hand it to her and Erica Ann on their transition. They are two wonderful people. I look forward to meeting both of them again someday. Both sure do amaze me.

mrt (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 15, 2008 12:11 pm I'm not saying this because I'm your friend but I would anyway! You blend fine! If I was in a store and didn't know before hand I would not be "wondering" what gender you were... Its very obvious that what your doing works. Don't start loosing confidence!

MrT, old (er, much younger) pal ,

I appreciate your comments. I have always felt I blend well. It's just that I want to look my best. Must be a bit of feminine vanity coming in. I have made some minor changes to makeup and I like the difference. There are a few other things I want to check into in the makeup area but I am not going to spend a lot of money on fancy products.

Thanks, too, for stating that what I am doing works. I agree. In a few days, it will be three months since I transitioned to 24/7 as me, Danya. In all that time I have felt confident. I don't see that ever changing.

mrt (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 15, 2008 12:11 pm Forget my PVT question on Names you answered that here!

I am nearly certain now that I will change my last name. This afternoon, I was reading over what I need to submit my application to the county court. Tomorrow, I will get the forms notarized before putting them in the mail. The notary public will want a picture ID and other forms of identification. This means I will need to go out one more time as my former male self. I don

OneBallBoi (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:42 pm 't like that but that's the way 'the pickle squirts', as a former high school teacher used to say!

Meeting Danya at the Midewest MoM, She looks great. It takes a real lot of courage to transform from Male to Female. Courage that I do not have. I have to hand it to her and Erica Ann on their transition. They

are two wonderful people. I look forward to meeting both of them again someday. Both sure do amaze me.

Hi OneBallBoi,

It was a real pleasure to meet you at this year's Midwest MoM and I enjoyed talking with you. I appreciate your kind remarks. It will be really good to meet again.

Erica Ann has been an inspiration. She got going on planning and then starting her transition long before me. I am very glad she posts here. She also gave me much needed words of encouragement when I needed them, especially right before I transitioned. She is quite a woman.

Hugs,

Danya

mrt (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 15, 2008 12:11 pm Its very obvious that what your doin

OneBallBoi (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:42 pm g works. Don't start loosing confidence!

It takes a real lot of courage to transform from Male to Female. Courage that I do not have. I have

to hand it to her and Erica Ann on their transition

It was only within the last two weeks or so that I started to think perhaps I really am displaying some courage by transitioning. I have tended to down play this when others have posted comments similar to OneBallBoi's and MrT's statement that I not lose the confidence I have. I certainly appreciate their comments and those of others who have said similar things.

The reason I haven't felt particularly courageous is because I am doing what makes me truly happy for the first time. Once I realized how happy I would be if I transitioned there was almost no option but to proceed. Does that require courage? I don't know the answer but I think one thing that is essential is letting go of fear.

There is also the reality that my employer and the place where I live make transition easier for me than for many others. My gender therapist has told me that some of her trans clients have moved here from other parts of the country because they were not at all accepted in their home towns. So maybe one does not have to be that courageous in these parts to transition.

I guess any courage I may have is in facing and accepting who I really am after a lifetime of hiding, even from myself. Perhaps it is courage that gives me the confidence MrT mentions. I am unfailingly confident when I am in public. I cannot think of one moment, once transition day arrived, when I lost that confidence in my dealings with others. Privately, I have occasional concerns about money, finishing electrolysis and similar things. At home, then, my confidence may waver just a little as I wonder how I will get from where I am to whatever the end of this journey will be. I don't dwell on this long and I am generally happy alone at home.

Earlier this evening, I spoke with a close female friend, J. J had heard from a mutual friend, L, who heard me play the organ last Sunday in church. L had commented to J that she admired my calm self-confidence and courage as I played music in front of the entire congregation as myself for the first time. My reaction to this was basically 'huh?'. This is a very accepting congregation, why wouldn't I feel exactly as L described? Anyway, I am myself in every part of my life so why should church be any different? J said her own word for my behavior was 'chutzpah'. I am certain she was referring to the positive connotations of that word!

The thing is, I'm not certain I fully understand where this self-confidence comes from. I am sure it is related to finally being myself. Somehow that doesn't seem a sufficient explanation for what is a profound change in the ways I interact with people and proceed with my life. It seems too easy but maybe being true to who I am, at last, explains everything quite well after all. I accomplished a lot in my life before I transitioned although nothing else has come close to giving me the same sense happiness I now feel.

For a number of reasons, I am starting to accept that I am showing some courage in transitioning. This realization is made easier by the feedback of people on the Archive.

Your a brave lady to do this. I can think of a lot of people who just can't make that step to going so open? Mainstream? Can't think of the term... But its apparently very difficult for the typical jane or joe to just walk out there. And I think there are 20:1 (200:1) who just do this without being public to avoid the spotlight. One thing I think your doing is helping this not be seen as such a circus that some people still make GID to be. Its just a medical thing! Yes, it involves the "sex" word and people private parts - sooooo some people are going to have to put their stupid heads in the sand to avoid the topic.

Anyway As Dr Marci said its a very different thing to walk into a store wearing a cute minidress. Thats the real deal! And you done it! Err Dooed it!

I suppose for a transman to do the same sort of thing he would what? hummm? Walk into a bar burp loudly (or do armpit noises) and grab some waitress's ass?

BTW my new code name for you is Miss E... Estrogen? Or maybe not...

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:18 am BTW my new code name for you is Miss E... Estrogen? Or maybe not...

Hi MrT,

I'd be delighted with the code name of Miss E, or better yet Ms. E!

Take care,

Danya

I was going to work from home tonight. I've been doing far too much of that lately, though, and I am stressed out. So, I'm taking a break by posting on the Archive.

My company is in the process of forming a new Diversity Council. The mission of the Council is rather broad but well-defined. It will not be part of their charter to dictate corporate policy, of course! The council will advise upper management, however, and I think this is one committee that may end up being quite effective.

Part of members' responsibilities will be networking with employees across the organization to learn their concerns, participating in recruiting efforts and working with outside groups. I don't usually get enthusiastic about committee work but this group sounds promising and it fits in with my one of my own passions. That is, creating a welcoming environment for everyone whatever their age, ethnic background, sexual orientation, gender, partnered status and so on.

So when the call went out for volunteers (specifically those well-respected and known to be caring and committed), I was very interested. When I contacted the leader of the council, she was very glad I would be applying. I have life experience as a married man (20 years), a gay man (about 11 years) and now a woman! I also feel a debt to the company for the perfect way they handled my transition. Working on the council would enable me to help others in the same way, I hope. At the very least, my own proactive participation in my own transition team (which included upper management) has given me insights on how to get things done.

Now that I have transitioned, I am very comfortable with people from all walks of life and with very different backgrounds from my own. I filled out the application to be a council member tonight (Sunday evening). In a few days, I should learn if I made the cut! If I don't make it this year, there is always next year.

I did not include on the application the fact that the Archive has played a major role in expanding my horizons on diversity. Somehow, I didn't think 'Eunuch Archive' would work too well on the form. If there were room to explain what it is all about, though, who knows?

Well part of what the Archive is about IS transexual people. I know that most of them so far have been m2f but I think its valid to have m2e and m2M!

But your correct. They probably think it about guarding Harems and singing in high pitches.

SIGH

I always thought my own sexuality would remain relatively fixed. Since I was a teen, I have always had an erotic attraction for men and next to none for women. That hasn't changed. What is different now, though, is I think I could be happily involved in an intimate relationship with a woman. I doubt that I would have a strong physical attraction for any woman but maybe that isn't necessary. I am sure I would want to please her physically if she desired that. What has always mattered to me most in any relationship, or even casual sexual encounter, is an emotional connection. I wonder if I might develop a physical attraction for a woman if a romance develops. It may be that once I feel a strong emotional bond, the plumbing of a partner will not matter.

About six weeks ago, I went to the arboretum with a female consultant friend. She carried my camera tripod for the roughly 90 minutes we were there. That alone endeared her to me. She patiently waited while I took many pictures. I even got one of the two of us. We had a terrific time together, she laughed at my sometimes pathetic attempts at humor and she appreciated my explaining things about different plants and tress. Actually, she made gentle fun of my tendency to want to teach. I loved it!

Toward the end of the evening, I started to feel a strong attraction to her that was very confusing. Never in my life have I felt such an easy attraction for a woman. I wanted to kiss her and I felt as if I were starting to fall in love. [I have known her, through work, since January 2008.] There was no kiss. She has a (married, not to her) boyfriend at home in a far-off state. Besides, I would never get involved with someone who is essentially a co-worker and I doubt she wanted a girlfriend to further complicate her life.

About two months ago after church, a lesbian woman I know saw me for the first time as Danya. She said I looked so attractive that if she didn't already have a partner (of 24 years, no less) she would be chasing after me! I found the idea of being sought by a woman rather nice.

I still find that I am physically attracted to men and not women. When I look at women, it is often to see how they are dressed. There isn't the tiniest spark of physical attraction. I definitely make a much easier, usually effortless in fact, emotional connection with women than with most men. Perhaps this is the source of my confusion about my own sexuality.

This is not something I need to figure out right now and in the end it really doesn't matter. If I fall in love with someone, man or woman, either we will be able to work out the physically intimate parts of a relationship or we won't. I am open to a wider expression of my own sexuality than ever.

Tomorrow night I will be at the monthly gal's after work get together for drinks and dinner. I was first invited to this when th

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri May 23, 2008 1:06 pm e announcement of my transition

was made throughout the company, three months ago. These gatherings have been really fun and I look forward to tomorrow evening.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Aug 19, 2008 12:19 pm I always thought my own sexuality would remain relatively fixed.

Eek. That is what I thought until a little over a year ago when I was dating guys and someone fell in love with the most amazing woman. It was so confusing. Being with a female felt really strange but I have enjoyed it very much.

I had lots of girlfriends in my early teens, but never felt about any of them like I feel about my current love, and really only really been in love with a male before. Now my sexuality is completely spun around and I just assume that I am attracted to people, not particularly to a specific gender.