EA Forums

Hi Bryan! I know what your talking about. Every once in a while I feel like that. Thinking of ways to end that uglyness down there. What is it for, I don't need that. Its in the way, I want smooth ,not that. Hang on, it will pass. Direct your thinking somewhere else. Jesus works for me. I watched a program one time how people wanted limbs amputated and wondered why someone would want to do a thing like that? Be in a wheel chair ect. I am disabled and wish I could walk and run like I once did. The Holy Spirit quickly pointed out that : what would be the difference? What I want and what they want? Hugs, Leona:)

Hi all,

As expected, staying off peanuts has allowed libido to go back to nil. (Ditto for morning missles.)

MEN: If you are looking for "natural male enhancement" like that advertised by "Bob" on TV, don't overlook the power of peanuts.

After a one-month break, I'm back on estrogen. Depression got really bad over the last few days: too many tears, little ability to cope, and too much death-envy. You know things are bad when you want cars to collide with you or you look longingly at funeral homes. (Estrogen is wonderful stuff, except for not allowing me to sleep on my belly due to breast discomfort.)

Open letter to my estranged wife: When I think of you, these words keep running thru my mind: "I'm not good enough [for you]." You are "protecting" our boy from me. I'm afraid when all is said and done and he has grown up, you will discover you weren't able to protect our boy from the damage caused by an absent father -- an absence you insisted on. [end of letter]

My boss made mention of my hair today: "Looks like it's getting to be haircut time." I was momentarily at a loss for words and turned red. How do you tell your boss, "I'm female inside and my goal is to push hair length to the limit"? I fumbled for words. He was in a good mood and just said, "We don't want to trample individuality. All we ask is you keep it neat." And as an appearance-conscious female [inside], that truly is my goal and I was able to reassure him about neatness. Trouble is, my hair is at an awkward length: it wants to flip up around ears and eyeglasses since there's not enough weight past those points to hold it down. If it hung straight down, it would reach my earlobe; however, my hair is naturally wavy. I use an ordinary conditioner...any beauty tips you can share?

Started looking into laser hair removal for my face: $1300 for a regimen of six treatments (free thereafter). It wouldn't do anything for gray hairs, but it would get rid of beard shadow (a big male cue). Plucking isn't killing off as many hairs as I had originally hoped, yet beard shadow continues to bother me.

Terri

Hi all,

Musings on gender #1: Vanity vs. Attention to One's Appearance. Before the Oct 2004 gender shift, I believed women to be vain. Why spend so much time on appearance? Nowadays, I consider men to be deficient (generally speaking) by their lesser concern. As I've said before, it seems testosterone makes one less sensitive; attention to one's appearance is one of the affected areas. How has this change played out for me? Even in temperatures as low as 5 degrees (F), I now avoid wearing a hat lest I get "hat hair." (Besides, fluffing the hair during styling helps insulate the head, right?) Plus, I use either styling gel or hair spray to avoid windblown hair. More effort is spent matching colors of clothes.

Musing on gender #2: Adolescence and Maturity. If we go thru the wrong kind of puberty (i.e., female identity but male hormones), does it lead to permanent immaturity? Back when I was homeowner, mowing the grass and doing other homeowner-like things, there was a sense I was play-acting. Like I really wasn't a mature man looking after his household, just 'me' in the role. After my gender issues leaked out, my wife observed an immaturity in me. I've never seen myself in the role of respected community pillar or that sort of thing. Fortunately, the immaturity carries over to appearance. Although I'm 50, my boss says, "Young man, get in here" when he wants to see me.

Musings on gender #3: Gender Presentation. I think what makes people uncomfortable with transsexuals is when the gender presentation is mixed, i.e., strong cues of both genders. Kind of like musical dissonance or colors that clash. What are one's options then? (a) Only male cues, (b) only female cues, or....(c) as few gender cues as possible (i.e., androgyny). Although androgyny can mildly disturb observers, it doesn't produce the strong reactions a mixed presentation does. What do you get with as few gender cues as possible? "Boy." And people don't complain about a boyish appearance.

Got the most expensive haircut of my life last Saturday: $30 (not including tip). Told the stylist I wanted a feminine style and that "too much 'man' in the mirror bothers me." She layered it without taking away any length. I'm pleased.

I continue to pluck my beard, and resolved 5 days ago to make it a daily routine. That is, I have stopped shaving my face and will resort to plucking exclusively. (Will continue to shave throat, however.) Although discouraged about plucking's effectiveness in my previous post, was recently encouraged at how slowly mustache hairs have returned. In fact, I have quite a harvest of white, downy hairs on my upper lip. (Love the feel!) An epilator can remove them easily should they get too long. It appears plucked hairs grow back thinner and with less color; continued plucking prevents hairs from thickening and darkening.

Have enjoyed decorating my apartment. Came to realize how much I like purples/lavenders/blues. Got some vases and silk flowers. Found just the sort of floral couch I was looking for (out on the curb for free, no less). You don't need to be envious; the sofa shows some wear and had quite a bit of pet hair on it. The sofa's fabric looks similar to this. (http://www.crittercouch.com/GreenFLoral.JPG) Purchased a lovely set of fine china at a thrift store because the pattern was so strikingly beautiful (and the thrift store has a great mission), even though I don't need fine dinnerware. Pattern is Roselyn Dogwood (http://images.replacements.com/images/i ... d_P0000087 136S0003T2.jpg). Placed some of the serving pieces on my shelves for decoration.

Bought a digital camera this evening. Hope to post images in my profile from time to time.

How are my moods? There's quite a dynamic range. Both highs and lows are accentuated, from finding some things too funny, or crying too much watching news on TV. Estrogen would moderate the range mildly but I'm not taking it at the moment. Testosterone would further reduce the range.

That's all for now,

Terri

Hi all,

Spent some time in front of the camera tonight. The results were depressing; didn't see "female" in the pictures at all. Although I thought my hair had turned out well today, it wasn't feminine -- merely male 1970's style. Cried a bit, thinking, "Have I been deceiving myself that I can achieve an androgynous look?" Took a shower to get it out of my system.

After the shower, went back to the hairstyle I had before the recent haircut. To my partial relief, camera results were a bit more ambiguous genderwise. See my avatar for results.

* * *

Would you believe my wife is making mild overtures at reconciliation? I wouldn't have put any weight in it except the Lord brought a song to mind the next day which emphasized "love will surely find a way." She wants us to go through some marriage counseling in May and is even talking about the possibility of moving to this area in the fall.

* * *

Would you believe beard-plucking is enjoyable? Maybe it is an expression of body-hatred, but I get real satisfaction out of each hair plucked. The pain is nothing, honestly. Can't believe how numerous the hairs are! I'll think my face is cleared, then further inspection reveals more. Those "white, downy" hairs on my upper lip actually have dark roots, so they wouldn't stay white for long if I let them stay.

That's all for now,

Terri

hi Bryan, Interesting reading. just curious since you so strongly identitfy with with a female self-image, are you ever attracted to men. Don't answer this if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Hi Estragen,

Yes, I'm mildly attracted to men nowadays. That's one of the ways I knew I had really, really changed inside. Since I don't plan to get involved with anyone, the attraction is simply a matter of amusement, as in, "I can't believe I'm thinking about how it would feel to run my hands thru his short, stubbly hair!" or "Why do I keep looking at that DJ's face on that billboard each day?" When I look at females, the first thing I look at is hairstyle, critiquing it and seeing if I can gain any pointers. It used to be that I would run females "through the mill" while observing them, i.e., looking at them as a male would. That's not the case anymore. If anything, it's the males who get run through the mill, mainly their face and overall demeanor.

Good question.

* * *

Hi all,

Got maam'd this morning at the driver's license facility, by an Indian male (as in the country India). It felt good. Seems like Indian men are the most likely to take my androgynous look for female. I'll know I've made progress when the maam's come from people within my ethnicity.

Can a person have more than one adolescence? If we are speaking in the physical sense of growing to adulthood, then no. But if we are speaking in the wider sense, that of changing/growing and searching for one's place in the world, then yes, a second adolescence is possible. That's exactly what I've been going through. The gender shift undid some parts of my original adolescence and I'm trying to see where I fit in all over again. The assumptions which worked previously no longer apply. I need to figure out all over again how I'm going to deal with life. In the meantime, I've been doing little more than "waiting to die."

Terri

Hi all,

Time for an assessment. It's been over 7 months since I separated from my wife (at her request). One of the reasons I moved out was to move to a larger city and "get help." A side benefit of moving out was the opportunity to see who/what I really am. You see, back home, I was unable to assess the degree of my GID as long as wife-imposed gender boundaries were in force. In moving out, I would be free to "be myself" -- whatever that turned out to be. Time for an assessment of just that:

1. Can't handle "man in the mirror": Been feminizing my exterior to reduce dissonance with my inside perception. Body hair is ugly, so I remove it occasionally. Beard shadow (not to mention stubble) is ugly, so I pluck my face. Been wearing my hair in a feminine style. Whenever I see "distinct male" in the mirror, I cringe and adjust my hair to compensate. Could I stop these feminizing measures and just resume an average male appearance? No, my psyche couldn't handle it; I would become depressed and think about gender even more (as though that's possible). Something worrisome is I haven't hit a status quo and there's no way to stop the effects of aging. A feminine man may be acceptable while still youthful-looking, but I'm going to look downright weird as I age.

2. Nightshirt: Used to sleep only in my undies, but now I feel immodest/undressed without a shirt. So I wear an extra-large/extra-long t-shirt to bed.

3. Decor: I really like flowers and floral patterns, especially in lavenders/purples. Much more concerned with appearance of things as I get things for my apartment; used to consider only the function of something, but now I weigh appearance as well.

4. Hormones: Tried estrogen and found it to my liking.

5. Cross-dressing: Haven't done much. Undies have the unfortunate effect of increasing libido, so I stay away. Just having them in my drawer is a comfort, however. My winter boots and hat are from the ladies department. My black lunch carrier has turned into a purse effectively; there's no longer room in it for a lunch. I wear a ladies watch now; found my old metal digital watch too klunky so simply stopped wearing it.

6. Unusual purchases/acquisitions for a male: fine china (floral pattern), floral sofa, sewing machine.

7. Fragrance/lotions: I take note of fragrances more than previously, and enjoy using products with a mild fragrance.

8. Sir vs. Ma'am: Makes my day when a store clerk maam's me, whereas "sir" hurts the ears.

9. Name: Like going by Terry. "Brian" sounds a bit like "sir" -- too masculine.

Conclusion from it all? The gender issues are real and deeply-ingrained. (Big surprise, eh?) But it could have turned out differently. Sometimes when you have the freedom to try something out (at some personal cost), you tire of it soon enough and return to the security/comfort of a prior situation. That hasn't happened in my case.

* * *

Experienced a mild crisis at the office today. It's time to enroll for medical insurance, but I don't want to reveal my recent medical history (GID diagnosis, psychiatric sessions, gender therapy, and estrogen without a prescription). I'm honest, so either I reveal all that or decline insurance. It's a very small office, so I'm sure whatever I reveal would soon become known to folks I relate to everyday. It could even jeopardize my employment, even though there's a state law against such discrimination. (All it would take is the fact I occasionally use a prescription medication -- estrogen -- without a prescription.)

So I'm leaning toward declining insurance.

Terri

That's an interesting bio. Good luck. It does sound like you are finally happy with your self image. The discrimination problem is a major hurdle to overcome - be careful out there!

Hi Terry,

One's personal research into one's true being is a life long pursuit, especially for people like us. It's the consistent search for one's true self and facing the truth about who we are that keeps us going.

The male thing, quite understandable. I absolutely hate it when I get sir'ed. As far as the image in the mirror, mine is finally starting to improve. The hormones are doing their magic. I'm finally starting to get a little prettier...if you know what I mean?

Hang in there and don't turn down that health insurance. It's a very handy thing to have. It's not a matter of lying...you just don't have to give them the whole truth.

Hi all,

REFLECTIONS ON GENDER: WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL

(Sorry for the length, but the conclusion is truly helpful, I believe.)

One of the problems facing transsexuals is the subjectiveness of gender. We yearn for an objective measure of gender, to either justify our position (and validate our torment) or set us straight. With that in mind, let's examine gender from a different perspective. We usually think of gender in the concrete examples of males and females. This time, let's take an abstract look, characterizing gender in complementary pairs. After all, gender is about complementary pairs, just like positive/negative or heads/tails. This is the same attitude which can assign gender to inanimate objects as in some languages.

(In each pair, the male characteristic appears first.)

NOTE: Don't look at these pairings as oversimplified generalizations. It would be easy to find counterexamples to the generalizations BUT observe that those who violate the generalization may be judged as 'unfeminine' or effeminate. So the generalizations are valid. For instance, men are loud and women are softer. A loud man may be judged as obnoxious but won't be called effeminate for it. A loud woman, on the other hand, will be criticized in ways which subtly indicate the behavior is inappropriate for her gender (e.g., "shrill").

Hard/Rough vs. Soft/Smooth

A man's face is rough and his hands may be calloused. That's okay for a man. A woman's skin is smooth/soft, and callouses are not feminine.

Coarse vs. Refined

Men can use coarse language and tell coarse jokes and will never be accused of acting outside their gender. Women, on the other hand, are considered unfeminine or unladylike for such behavior.

(Do you see where this is going? We aren't defining gender by observed real behavior but rather expectations of each sex.)

Brash/Aggressive vs. Demure

Loud vs. Soft

Abrupt/to-the-point vs. Engaging/Roundabout

Reaching over a distance (slingshots, balls, guns, arrows, missles) vs. Holding things close (hugs, dollies)

Function over appearance vs. Appearance over function

Strong/sturdy vs. Weak/Fragile

Strong/functional vs. Beautiful

Associated with Men vs. Associated with Women

Things can inherit gender by virtue of which gender uses them. Similarly, a man will be judged effeminate for being too experienced with women's tools and vice versa.

Big/Coarse vs. Small/Delicate

I was thinking about this one while picking out a satin nightgown. (I love it, by the way.) As feminine as a nightgown is, it doesn't convey femininity if the wearer appears to be growing out of it. To be on the safe side, I picked out a size 3X. It fits my shoulders without that "wearing my wife's nightgown" look.

Angular vs. Round

Dependable/Stable vs. Temperamental

Active outside the home vs. homemaker

Stretcher vs. Protector

Fathers stretch their children to take risks, whereas mothers are protectors. A father is commended for stretching his children whereas a mother may be criticized as not being protective enough in similar situations.

...

That's a long enough list for now. Assuming the list is valid, we can assign gender to inanimate objects. For instance:

- Flowers are soft, fragile, and beautiful, hence feminine.

- Major appliances are strong and sturdy (masculine) but primarily used by women (feminine), so it's hard to classify their gender.

- Computers: small, delicate, and temperamental; hence feminine.

- Cars: Reaching for distance, hard, sturdy, powerful; hence masculine.

- Clouds: Soft, rounded, delicate; hence feminine.

- Rocks: Hard, sturdy, used by boys in slingshots; hence masculine.

(Side note: If you think it's ridiculous to assign gender to inanimate objects, don't complain to me. Take it up with those whose languages REQUIRE gender for inanimate objects. The idea didn't start here.)

CONCLUSION: If we can assign gender to inanimate objects, THEN WE HAVE DISCOVERED AN OBJECTIVE CHARACTERIZATION OF GENDER! That is, if we can assign gender to flowers and appliances, WE CAN FIGURE OUT OUR OWN GENDER! Don't focus on the specific list because I'm sure there are inaccuracies; rather, consider this overall approach toward gender. By comparing our personal traits with these gendered complementary-pairs, we can see what parts of us are masculine and which are feminine. Taking them all together, we get an overall assessment of our gender.

Terri

P.S. -- I enrolled for medical insurance after being assured of privacy by the agent. In fact, I FAX'd the forms directly to him; thus no one in the office had access to them. So I can get sick now. :-\

Hi all,

Most folks don't realize the unconscious nature of TSism. Last night I was watching a Danielle Steel movie about a career couple in which the wife becomes pregnant and the husband wants her to get an abortion but she wants the child. After awhile, I caught myself and said aloud, mournfully, "I'M DOING IT AGAIN." Doing what? Identifying emotionally with the female lead. "And I'm never going to look like her, never will be in her situation, am never going to be a woman, ..."

In a Discovery Health Channel show about TSism, one of the MtF's said gender dysphoria is "24x7." True words indeed. The job can distract for awhile, but as soon as I head to the restroom or get into my car, or turn off the TV at night, gender (and the mess GID has made of my household) dominates my thoughts.

* * *

Longer hair and continued beard-plucking are having their effect. Got maam'd twice recently, once by an older white male, once by a 40-ish white female. Think I'm like one of those prismatic pictures which switches between two possibilities depending on the viewing angle. Look at me one way, I look male; another way, and I look female. When I take photos of myself, more than half are quickly discarded for looking male. Hairstyle is exceedingly important, and I'm learning as I look at the self-portraits.

Terri

bryan (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 14, 2007 1:28 pm Longer hair and continued beard-plucking are having their effect. Got maam'd twice recently, once by an older white male, once by a 40-ish white female. Think I'm like one of those prismatic pictures which switches between two possibilities depending on the viewing angle. Look at me one way, I look male; another way, and I look female. When I take photos of myself, more than half are quickly discarded for looking male. Hairstyle is exceedingly important, and I'm learning as I look at the self-portraits.

Terri

Your avatar looks female to me. But then I'm not good at faces.

Hi all,

Started taking estrogen again a week ago. Why? I was too depressed; even started crying over my workload at work. Had no resilience. Estrogen's effect on me is paradoxical: while on it, my gender identity goes from clearly on the female side back toward the middle. In the romantic movie I'm watching now ("My Big Fat Greek Wedding"), I'm not consistently identifying with either of the leads. More often the female, but sometimes the male.

Bad news regarding facial hair: Had to stop plucking my beard. Too many ingrown hairs. My face has gotten bumpy from the hairs which haven't emerged. Once things get back to normal, I'll investigate laser removal to get rid of beard-shadow-causing hairs.

Terri

P.S. to Kangan: Thank you for your kind words.

Hi Terri,

I'm glad to see that you are back on the estrogen. Girl, you need some type of hormones in your system in order to function properly and for people like us...estrogen is the preferred choice.

Remember what I told you about plucking that beard. Ingrown hairs are not fun. I know, I had one last week that my electrolysis tech removed. A little regrown that didn't regrow quite right.

Hook yourself with a good laser technician and stop that plucking, but keep in mind that the laser is only going to get rid of the dark colored hairs leaving the gray ones to their own accord.

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Sun Mar 25, 2007 12:29 am Hi Terri,

I'm glad to see that you are back on the estrogen. Girl, you need some type of hormones in your system in order to function properly and for people like us...estrogen is the preferred choice.

Remember what I told you about plucking that beard. Ingrown hairs are not fun. I know, I had one last week that my electrolysis tech removed. A little regrown that didn't regrow quite right.

Hook yourself with a good laser technician and stop that plucking, but keep in mind that the laser is only going to get rid of the dark colored hairs leaving the gray ones to their own accord.

Just for the record, hon, trans or not, none of us really get gray hairs... they're silver blond...

Hi all,

ANNIVERSARY AND A REALIZATION (CONFESSION?)

Celebrating my 2nd anniversary of visiting the good Dr. Kimmel. Still no regrets, and still thanking the Lord for the surgery. It's wonderful not having libido. One amusing aspect: I'll say to myself, "Maybe I should [try] masturbating tonight," then will immediately forget about it. Or if I remember my earlier intention, I'll touch Mr. Penis to see if he has any life in him. "Nope! -- why wake him up?"

It sometimes takes years of adulthood for someone to see how screwed up they are -- only after the evidence has accumulated and only after a big enough crisis precipitates the need to analyze the evidence. My libido was too high. Had an extensive hard-core porn collection throughout my twenties. My first marriage failed because I was too kinky. Intercourse wasn't as interesting as the perversions. Guess I was addicted to sex. And now my second marriage is failing since my gender personality is: (1) outside what my wife considers safe for our boy, and (2) outside what my wife looks for in a husband. As far as addictions go, I became addicted to the internet as a result of the Y2K scare. (And I was still addicted to global-infrastructure and geo-political news four years after Y2K.) You see, that addiction was fed by my addiction to Bible prophecy. And I think now that my addiction to Bible prophecy was because I have found most of life unsatisfying and, consequently, was looking forward to death and/or a change to this boring existence -- even when it meant world-shattering devastation in the process. Guess I wasn't being very sensitive at the time.

And then I wonder: Has life been unsatisfying because I don't find satisfaction in my birth gender?

So you see, my "problems" didn't begin with the 2004 gender shift. I already HAD problems, but the 2004 gender shift was a big enough crisis to unravel my life, thus making other problems manifest.

Wouldn't have reached this point without the trip to Philadelphia. My sex drive and/or latent personality problems caused some still-not-explained crisis (the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift), which necessitated a trip to Dr. Kimmel. Then post-castration emotional changes resulted in another crisis which has split my household.

My personal crisis has since crowded out everything else, enabling me to see my problems more clearly than ever.

Readers: Think carefully before you proceed with permanent castration. You may discover you are screwed-up psychologically with more problems than you ever guessed!

MIDLIFE ADOLESENCE

However, for the first time, I feel like my midlife adolescence is making some progress. Re-assessing who I am and adjusting my expectations in order to find a place for myself in the real world. Actually experiencing some happiness from time to time.

Realized recently I have no ambitions. None -- except to die. Figured that wasn't a good sign. My dad is the opposite. When he started working for an engineering firm years ago, he knew he wanted to become president of the firm someday. (He succeeded.)

Still avoiding church. Simply don't want to expose myself to further inspection and possible rejection.

Thinking about how I will someday explain myself to others like boss and co-workers. The issue will force itself eventually due to ever-increasing hair length. How will I explain things? "Had a falling out with testosterone. Couldn't tolerate the stuff any longer. So became a eunuch voluntarily. And, as a eunuch, I feel more flexibility in personal appearance. Hair is a kind of personal art form, don't you think?"

Why was my post-castration experience such a trauma psychologically? Because not only did I desire to be female (prior to castration), but I now felt female. Not only that, my best fight against the now-recognized TSism -- namely castration -- was a failure. I had no fight left in me.

I don't think EA discusses the psychological changes of castration enough. However, the psychological changes may have been more significant in my case (i.e., YMMV) because of latent transsexualism. Prior to castration, I was able to say, "My desire to be female is inappropriate, and castration should remove it along with the other perversions." But once I felt female, just had to throw in the towel and admit what I had hidden in my heart from childhood: I've always wanted to be a girl. Best I can tell from memories, my gender identity as a child was somewhere between male and female. I was close enough to the middle to vocalize a desire to be female. Puberty shored up the weak masculine portion of my personality and made me a reasonable success as a male. Maybe age-caused reduction in testosterone (i.e., male menopause) precipitated the 2004 gender shift.

TRANSITION?

Still think of myself as female inside but will probably explain myself to others as a voluntary eunuch. My gender identity isn't strongly-enough female (nor stable enough) to make transition worthwhile. Estrogen has the paradoxical effect of moderating my gender issues to the point where I don't have enough angst to fuel transition.

Beard hairs have returned to normal, now that I'm no longer plucking. Dealing with ingrown hairs as a result; at least they aren't infected. Did the plucking kill off any hairs? Not that I can tell. Looking forward to laser hair removal once all the ingrown hairs have emerged. Haven't been maam'd for awhile. Beard shadow, no matter how slight, is a strong gender cue.

Still desiring androgynous look, but have stopped further efforts until laser treatments can eliminate beard shadow.

Very glad to be going by "Terry" at work. Brian is too masculine. Have come close to Freudian slip of spelling it "Terri" in e-mails. Bound to occur eventually, to some reader's consternation/amusement.

Terri

It's nice to hear from you again, Terri. --FLO--

Hi Terri. Have not heard from you in a long time. I hope all is going well.

Hi all,

Not doing very well these days. Spurred by a song I heard recently, I'm anxious to get on with my life since "there's only so many tears you can cry." Wife won't reconcile with me unless I feel like a male again. Feel like I've been crowded out of my son's life. So just going to move on. Have stopped returning wife's calls. Can't bear to speak with her. You know how it was as a child when you'd play a game with someone but they started making too many rules? After awhile you'd say, "Okay, you can play by your rules -- but you'll have to find someone else to play with because I'M GOING HOME!" That's how I feel about my wife now, so I walking away from the game. She's held all the cards (after all, TS's get very little respect), so I'm just walking away. Guess I've run out of patience.

Another area of disappointment: After revealing my true self (TSism) to family members, now feel just tolerated by half of them. Even was miffed by Mom. Mentioned she ought to come see my apartment sometime. She demurred saying, "Let's wait till [wife] and [son] are in town." Is she uninterested in seeing it unless I remove any traces of my TSism, as wife was requiring for the visit? It hurt, and I don't think I'll bring it up again.

When wife and son visit the area at the end of May, think I'll conveniently be busy at work. Can't bear to see her nowadays because I'll always be defective/sick in her sight. It's like she's talking past the real me, speaking toward some shining male she hopes will resurface someday. Considing my gender identity now is similar to what it was pre-puberty, it's SUPER unlikely I'll change.

As other TS's have pointed out, the revelation of our true selves is a touchstone for other's love toward us. It reveals the true quality of that love: was it a convenient love, or a genuine love?

How's the estrogen going, you ask? Still have enough in my system to moderate gender issues. Those aren't bugging me right now. My failed marriage is.

My mom noticed I was depressed and strongly suggested I see a professional about it. I told her, "Yes, I'm depressed -- but with good reason." Medication isn't going to make people like TS's better, or make my wife accept me, or let me have a decent relationship with my son.

* * *

Plix,

Sorry I haven't communicated. It's not anything with you -- I haven't been communicating with ANYONE these days. I'm frustrated, disappointed, lack answers, and am unsure of myself. Social withdrawal is my solution for now.

Terri

Hi all,

Things have gotten worse: Got my own kafkaesque nightmare brewing.

First, a question: Once you think a person is mentally ill, what would it take to convince you otherwise? Any good behavior observed doesn't count anymore since, "He's just having a good day" and there's always the question of "Wonder what he's like back in his apartment when he's alone?" What if a psychiatrist pronounced the person mentally healthy? You could say, "Bah! One doctor's opinion. Doesn't line up with my observations."

Dad berated me at lunch Monday, and counseled me to contact my son more often. It turns out Dad has put me in the same category as his sisters, the ones who have mental/emotional illnesses and had to go on medication. Does it matter to him that a psychiatrist already pronounced me mentally healthy back in August and that a specialist agreed with my self-diagnosis (TSism)? Does it count that a medical doctor checked my bloodwork, observed I didn't seem depressed, and instead suggested transitioning? No, that doesn't seem to count because he wants me to see another shrink and "get on medication." (Sounds like we are putting the cart before the horse. Shouldn't the professional decide if medication is needed??) He also confronted me with wrong information. He thought wife had told to leave because I was cross-dressing. No such thing since I hadn't cross-dressed for close to 20 years.

My parents believe I am depressed and need to be on medication. Dad thought stress from work was playing a role. Hardly(!), since work is a welcome relief and distraction from personal problems. Both he and Mom don't understand how emotionally devastating it has been to be squeezed out of my son's life. As terrible as it sounds, the way to survive is think about him as little as possible. Even before castration, folks observed, "I've never seen a father play so much with his child." After castration, I was more of a mother to him. Imagine a mother being torn from her young son. I howled the day we parted in Florida.

All this time (September till now), I thought I had been establishing a track record with my parents, letting them see I'm fairly balanced mentally/emotionally. Our relations have been warm, and we've spent a fair amount of time together. However, once the perception of mental illness is established, it's hard to erase.

I am left in an impossible dilemma:

1. Do I defend myself, trying to work through the various misunderstandings? If I did so, I would risk becoming like [mentally-ill] Aunt C. who kept people on the phone for long periods of time.

2. Do I simply try preserving the relationship with my parents, ignoring the misunderstandings? Three problems with that course of action: (a) any time spent with them gives them ammunition for further misunderstandings; (b) I open myself to further emotional trauma (e.g., criticism about relationship with son); (c) they really aren't listening to me anyway since they believe I am mentally ill. (Can you say patronized?)

3. Do I bring in a brother as a mediator? Then I would be considered a mentally-unbalanced person stirring up strife in the family.

4. Do I send a letter to family members explaining the situation? That, too, would be considered to be the desperate actions of a mentally-ill person.

See what I'm talking about? Once the perception is established "there's something wrong with Bryan/Terri," no course of action can dispel it.

Option #5, the saddest of all: Do I withdraw from my parents' lives? At the moment, I don't see any other option. Lunch with Dad left me in deep hurt and disbelief. I can't expose myself to that sort of treatment very often. Although not mentally ill, I do have the tender emotions and fragility of a eunuch.

I can't believe how absolutely FUBAR'd things have become. Fortunately for you, dear reader, these results are not typical for people who undergo castration, for: Your Mileage Will Vary (YMWV).

Terri

P.S. to Erica: Thank you so much for calling last Friday, inviting me out for pizza. Had a great time, and enjoyed meeting Michelle (another TG).

Unfortunatly, option #5 may be the only one that keeps you emotionaly intact. It seems obvious from the viewpiont of an outside observer that your parents are reading what they wish to read into your behavior instead of trying to see the reality of your life. A sad unpleasant situation. I don't envy you but I support any decision that you may need to make. Take care of yourself, Terri. --FLO--

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu May 03, 2007 9:41 am Dad berated me at lunch Monday, and counseled me to contact my son more often. It turns out Dad has put me in the same category as his sisters, the ones who have mental/emotional illnesses and had to go on medication. Does it matter to him that a psychiatrist already pronounced me mentally healthy back in August and that a specialist agreed with my self-diagnosis (TSism)? Does it count that a medical doctor checked my bloodwork, observed I didn't seem depressed, and instead suggested transitioning? No, that doesn't seem to count because he wants me to see another shrink and "get on medication." (Sounds like we are putting the cart before the horse. Shouldn't the professional decide if medication is needed??) He also confronted me with wrong information. He thought wife had told to leave because I was cross-dressing. No such thing since I hadn't cross-dressed for close to 20 years.

My parents believe I am depressed and need to be on medication. Dad thought stress from work was playing a role. Hardly(!), since work is a welcome relief and distraction from personal problems. Both he and Mom don't understand how emotionally devastating it has been to be squeezed out of my son's life. As terrible as it sounds, the way to survive is think about him as little as possible. Even before castration, folks observed, "I've never seen a father play so much with his child." After castration, I was more of a mother to him. Imagine a mother being torn from her young son. I howled the day we parted in Florida.

If your Dad know about your concerns is he maybe suggesting Hormones? And not Mental health drugs? I remember being told that I met many of the symptoms of "depression" but it was really just low Testosterone.

If low doses of Estrogen make you no longer care that much about transition what would going on an average level do? I don't want to sound like the mad scientist or anything but perhapes your feeling stuck in the middle gender wise and you need to get off the fence? What does your Doctor say about that? Is GRS even a possibility?

Does your Dad know about your wife's demands that you have to be "Male" to be a part her and your sons life? And if so have you told him what the odds are of that happening? I think parents can handle a lot more then we credit them with.

Just my 2 cents worth. And probably not even worth that!

Option #5 (withdrawal from family contact) seems like the only viable choice, unfortunately.

My parents never understood me, and kept trying to run my life, and made me really miserable at times. After I moved 500-miles away and changed my occupation to the one that I had wanted from early childhood (not the one that my parents had insisted upon), then finally I was truly happy. My only regrets are that I wasted almost 50-years of my life being unhappy.

Hi all,

For the first time since November or so, I'm seriously considering transition again. My present course of staying male and withdrawing socially is failing. Relationships with my family (parents and siblings) are deteriorating anyway. Had hoped to at least preserve those relationships by not transitioning. No hope of reconciling with wife since her standards are too high. (She requires me to feel male, not just put a limit on certain behaviors.) Guess I had hoped family support would make it possible to avoid transition. But whatever I needed from family to forestall transition -- and I'm not sure what that is -- it's not there.

Wrote a mega-depressing post last night but didn't post it. Most salient line from it: "If I could pull the plug on my life and forever cease to exist, I'd be tempted to do it." And I'm a Christian who believes in Heaven! That's how miserable my life and earthly future are right now.

One can only think about death so often until one figures THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY.

I'm reminded of what an MtF wrote on another board. This TG was strongly considering suicide. But a little voice told her that she may as well give transition a try. "And if it does't work out, then you can always go with the original plan" [suicide]. She is glad she went with transition -- no regrets.

(Did you know that 35% of transsexuals attempt suicide and another 50% consider it? Only 15% don't think about suicide. I had heard numbers like that, and then they were born out in a poll

bryan (imported) wrote: Fri Jun 09, 2006 11:44 pm (http://beginninglife.com/newforum/index.php?t=msg&

goto=42614&pl_view=50&S=f141891355560c6711c4bea1f6496737#msg_42614) at BeginningLife.com.)

This evening, I bought my first bra in 20 years. Chickened out twice, and each time -- after chickening out -- immediately started preferring death again. Said to myself, "This is no life." So went back resolutely and got one.

Terri

Nice to hear from you, Terri. Keep forging ahead. --FLO--