Late onset (yet always there)

[JesusA]

Terri,

I sent a copy of your posts #298 and #299 above to one of my favorite people, Dr. Rebecca Auge, a counselor who specializes in gender questions. I have found her to be consistently supportive and open. She seems to be more compassionate and helpful than most of the sex research folk I know. Her website

Gender and Life's Paths (http://rebeccaaugephd.blogspot.com/)

has new posts daily about questions of gender. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in these questions.

Here's Rebecca's response to your posts:

Thanks, Tom, for bringing my blog, etc. to the attention of others.

Concerning Terri's issues. . .many of my clients over the years have had similar concerns. Terri is not alone.

Some find help with finding a resolution by answers to the questions:

1) How do I feel?

2) What do I want?

3) Would I rather be an androgynous man or woman?

4) What fits better for me?

. . .and not just one trip through the questions, but repeated ones, especially with a therapist and peers.

And, I'll add one doesn't have to be 100% woman (or man) to qualify for hormones or surgery. Truth be told, no one's 100%.

Take care,

Rebecca

Here's a recent post from Rebecca's site that shows that progress is being made:

Social trends favor transgender consumers

Stepping Out!

Consumer Rights: In 2000, 3.8% of the US population lived in legal jurisdictions that explicitly protected the consumer rights of transgendered consumers. Six years later that percentage has increased eightfold to 31% This percentage does not include the legislation recently passed in New Jersey (passing by a 10-to-1 majority) making it the ninth state to outlaw discrimination against their transgender residents.

Corporate Policies: In 1997, Lucent Technologies because the first Fortune 500 company to include 'gender identity and/expression' in their anti-discrimation/sexual harassment policies. Less than ten years later, there are now 110 Fortune 500 companies extending these protections to their transgendered employees and employment applicants.

Corporate Advertising: Corporate American has learned that there is no significant backlash to advertising to the GLBT market and substantial rewards for doing so. The number of corporations advertising in GLBT media has tripled over the last ten years. Advertising has awaken the GLBT consumer to their power in the marketplace.

Spending Power: The GLBT market spends an estimated $464,000,000,000. The transgendered population of the United States is generally recognized to be 10% of the GLBT population of 16,000,000 and as such they spend roughly $46,000,000,000 annually.

Social Acceptance: Social analysts were surprised by the results of a 2002 national poll. 74% of those polled said they would have no objection to working with a transgendered co-worker. 77% feel that transgendered children should be allowed to attend public shcools. 68% favor protections for transgendered individuals against hate crimes. These numbers suggest that society is ready for the transgendered individual to become a more active member of their community.

Hollywood and the Media: 'Transamerica' and the acclaim Felicity Huffman recieved for her portrayal of a transgendered individual is merely the best example (and by no means the only example) of a new sensitivity in the media towards transgendered individauls, a willingness to portray them as more deserving of compassion than ridicule. . . .

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

To Jesus (the EA one): Thank you for advocating for me by sending the posts to Rebecca. It's comforting to hear that one doesn't have to be 100% female to qualify for hormones, etc.

* * *

Just finished Daphne Scholinski's book, The Last Time I Wore a Dress. Daphne is a very masculine female, and this made it hard for others to relate to her, including her parents. As a result, during her teens (early 1980's), Daphne spent three years in mental hospitals for what essentially amounted to bad behavior and possessing a dysfunctional family. To her surprise, the doctors cited GID as one of her problems.

The doctors naively thought they could solve Daphne's problems by developing her feminine side. Her "treatment" included practicing with mascara and eyeliner.

What did I come away with from the book? The sad realization that people like us used to be placed in mental institutions. Not such a remote thing considering a year ago, my wife would have had me committed (with my mom's full agreement) if it were possible in this day and age. But, as my wife explained, "there isn't a way to do it."

Although the book was an interesting and sometimes heart-rending peek into mental institutions, it left me unsatisfied; I was expecting more discussion of GID-related matters. What is unusual is Daphne didn't suffer any dysphoria -- she simply went about life as a masculine female, somewhat unwittingly. When she was young, grocery store clerks (mistaking her for a boy) got angry at her for using the women's restroom. As an adult, she still encounters disbelieving looks and impolite questions as she stands in line for the ladies room. How masculine-looking is she? Teenaged girls mistook her for Kevin Bacon after a showing of Footloose.

Most poignant quote (pg. 197, emphasis added):

I still wonder why I wasn't treated for my depression, why no one noticed I'd been sexually abused, why the doctors didn't seem to believe that I came from a home with physical violence. Why the thing they cared the most about was whether I acted the part of a feminine young lady. The shame is that the effects of depression, sexual abuse, violence [are all] treatable. But where I stood on the feminine/masculine scale: unchangeable. It's who I am.

Something else interesting from the book: At one hospital, patients entertained themselves by faking various disorders from the mental disorder book, to see whether staff would take them seriously and add it to their charts. Daphne knew intuitively, however, that none of them would dare fake GID. As she puts it:

We knew the rules: pacing, screaming, hallucinating, and vomiting were okay. Not okay was walking around with a scarf in your hair, for a boy, or being like me, a girl who never felt comfortable in a dress. Yes, there is huge stigma for messing around with gender boundaries.

* * *

Had my second laser session on Wednesday. Still was freaked out by the thru-the-skin flashes and was a ninny. At least this time, I didn't make any foolish purchases afterward (like a used car). Went directly home to put ice on my face. The technician used 25 joules this time, and the "sunburn" sensation on my face lasted 5 hours, with redness continuing to the next day. I wonder if the laser sessions have a physiological effect on the psyche; it seems like they knock me off balance for a few days.

How was my weekend? Fairly depressing. Felt kind of ugly. I wonder if GID is something you have to actively battle all the time in order to have the upper hand. I thought simply staying on schedule for transition would be sufficient.

How depressed? While watching a documentary about Freddie Mercury, I envied his illness (AIDS) which eventually killed him. When I considered masturbating Saturday night, I was like a spoiled/bratty child: "Not with THAT thing! Forget it."

One depressing factor: Although noticable breast growth has begun, the growth is asymmetrical. The left shows promise, whereas the right isn't showing any development that I can tell. (I'm left-handed, by the way.)

Work also has me a bit harried, hence depressed. Which reminds me:

--> I'll be out of town on business this week and won't be back until Saturday, July 28.

* * *

Still fairly comfortable with my anti-gender-bipolarism analysis. Gender binarism may be a better name, conveying the black-and-white of a computer's binary numbers, 0 or 1. Still comfortable not trying to classify my gender anymore. I mean, what's the point? Gender classification is useful for most of the population, but it just doesn't work for some of us.

What if I decided gender bipolarism is right after all? Then today's post would have been completely different and asked the question, "What is gender?" I would have tried analyzing/dissecting gender all over again. Much more peaceful/restful to accept a blend of genders than to try putting a square peg into a round hole.

That's all for now,

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

So good to hear from you again.

I have read the book you mentioned and came away with much of what you did. It is always good to see the issues from the opposing side. That side certainly has many of the same struggles that feminine males have.

Yes, it certainly is nice that involuntary commitment laws are much stricter today and that you cannot be committed simply because family members feel that you need to be.

It was ironic that they insisted on treating the one thing that was the least responsive to treatment.

Gender bipolarism is no longer very comfortable for me either. I learned long ago that female is not right for me, and yet I don't feel 100% male either. The only difference with me is that I plan on living and presenting as unquestionably male. That seems to be what works best for me.

Those of us who have the strongest cases of full, classic TSism are so few. Most TSs would be quite surprised to find that they actually fit somewhere in between a lot better than they do fully on the other side. But unfortunately for that majority, society will not accept in between, and so transition is the only option.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a short note to let you know I'

m back from the business trip (a week of training).

Started reading Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl. Julia is an outspoken MtF whose gender writings appear in college classes. I cried when I read her description of the GID experience because it is so accurate, eloquent, and touching. I'll quote some in my next post.

GID didn't interfere much with the business trip. Just that I thought one of the presenters was cute. While fluffing my hair in the bathroom, realized I was doing it for him, to make myself 'attractive' (even though I was in male mode). Thought to myself, "This is crazy." Promptly stopped fluffing, got a little teary-eyed, and left the bathroom.

Terri

P.S. to Plix: So good to

hear from you, too. Looking forward to seeing you at the Midwest meeting-of-members.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Having success with the "andro" look. Got maam'd throughout a store transaction today. Didn't want to spoil things by bringing out my male-name credit card so paid with cash. The male cashier even did a double-hand change return (one hand above mine, one below). Never got one of those before.

Last week, hit a home run with the andro look. A teller in her twenties said, "I can help you over here, Miss." Miss. Can you believe it? Inside, I was going, "Woo-hoo!" Ma'ams are nice, but 'Miss'? Never expected one of those, especially not at 50 years old.

* * *

Now, wanted to give you some quotes from Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl. This first quote shows me my future, since it contains my present:

After reading Kate Bornstein...I began to think of myself as bigendered. In the years just prior to my transition, I started to express my femaleness as much as possible within the context of having a male body; I became a very androgynous queer boy in the eyes of the world. While it felt relieving to simply be myself, not to care about what other people thought of me, I still found myself grappling with a constant, compelling subconscious knowledge that I should be female rather than male.

That "subconscious knowledge" reveals itself when looking in the mirror. I subconsciously expect to see female. When I see male, it bums me out and I take measures.

(Digression: Taking that thought further, I've started hypothesizing that people's appearances reveal more of themselves than we realize. Because if there isn't reasonable congruence between our internal self and our appearance, we take measures to bring them into congruence.)

In this next passage, Julia explains what it is like to suffer from GID:

For me, the hardest part about being trans has not been the discrimination or ridicule that I have faced for defying societal gender norms, but rather the internal pain I experienced when my subconscious and conscious sexes were at odds with one another. I think this is best captured by the psychological term "cognitive dissonance," which describes the mental tension and stress that occur in a person's mind when they find themselves holding two contradictory thoughts or views simultaneously--in this case, subconsciously seeing myself as female while consciously dealing with the fact that I was male. This gender dissonance can manifest itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted. But most of all, it felt like sadness to me--a sort of gender sadness--a chronic and persistent grief over the fact that I felt so wrong in my body.

In an attempt to convey gender pain to others, she talks about how "being stuck in a bad relationship or unfulfilling job can make a person miserable and lead to a depression so intense it spills over into all other other areas of that person's life. These types of pain can be tolerated temporarily, but in the long run, if things do not change, that stress and sadness can ruin a person." (I know the feeling; I've been on the ragged edge.) She continues: "If that much despair can be generated by a forty-hour-a-week job, then just imagine how despondent and distressed one might become if one was forced to live in a gender that felt wrong for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week." So true.

Unlike most forms of sadness that I've experienced, which inevitably ease with time, my gender dissonance only got worse with each passing day. And by the time I made the decision to transition, my gender dissonance had gotten so bad that it completely consumed me; it hurt more than any pain, physical or emotional, that I had ever experienced. I know that most people believe that transsexuals transition because we want to be the other sex, but that is an oversimplification. After all, I wanted to be a female almost my whole life, but I was far too terrified of the label "transsexual," or of having potential regrets, to seriously consider transitioning. What changed during that twenty-some-year period was not my desire to be female, but rather my ability to cope with being male, to cope with my own gender dissonance. When I made the decision to transtion, I honestly had no idea what it would be like for me to live as a female. The only thing I knew for sure was that pretending to be male was slowly killing me.

So true and so aptly stated. Who wants the social stigma of being a TRANSSEXUAL? Nobody. Who can know beforehand whether living as the opposite sex will bring resolution/peace? Nobody. But when the male ship is sinking, the only option is to sail on the female ship.

Had a good day. Hope you did too,

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

I'm truly out of my zone so forgive this if its dumb. Is not the "goal" you seek not to be "transexual" but to be female? I mean isin't "transexual" more of a discription of how you get to where your headed?

I thought the plan was to move from the male to the female. I can't imagine a drivers license that says "Trans" for example.

And while I "get" the problems you mention about being in both worlds doesn't the over riding push come from you going from the male to the female?

Hi all,

Having success with the "andro" look. Got maam'd throughout a store transaction today. Didn't want to spoil things by bringing out my male-name credit card so paid with cash. The male cashier even did a double-hand change return (one hand above mine, one below). Never got one of those before.

Last week, hit a home run with the andro look. A teller in her twenties said, "I can help you over here, Miss." Miss. Can you believe it? Inside, I was going, "Woo-hoo!" Ma'ams are nice, but 'Miss'? Never expected one of those, especially not at 50 years old.

* * *

Now, wanted to give you some quotes from Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl. This first quote shows me my future, since it contains my present:

That "subconscious knowledge" reveals itself when looking in the mirror. I subconsciously expect to see female. When I see male, it bums me out and I take measures.

(Digression: Taking that thought further, I've started hypothesizing that people's appearances reveal more of themselves than we realize. Because if there isn't reasonable congruence between our internal self and our appearance, we take measures to bring them into congruence.)

In this next passage, Julia explains what it is like to suffer from GID:

In an attempt to convey gender pain to others, she talks about how "being stuck in a bad relationship or unfulfilling job can make a person miserable and lead to a depression so intense it spills over into all other other areas of that person's life. These types of pain can be tolerated temporarily, but in the long run, if things do not change, that stress and sadness can ruin a person." (I know the feeling; I've been on the ragged edge.) She continues: "If that much despair can be generated by a forty-hour-a-week job, then just imagine how despondent and distressed one might become if one was forced to live in a gender that felt wrong for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week." So true.

So true and so aptly stated. Who wants the social stigma of being a TRANSSEXUAL? Nobody. Who can know beforehand whether living as the opposite sex will bring resolution/peace? Nobody. But when the male ship is sinking, the only option is to sail on the female ship.

Had a good day. Hope you did too,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Things are going well. I've been on estrogen continuously for over two months with absolutely no plans to stop. Good days outnumber the bad ones. Breast development is proceeding and starting to show, adding a pleasing feminine touch to my overall appearance.

I suppose my transition officially started June 5th, the day after the sentiment,

"If I could pull the plug on my life and forever cease to exist, I'd be tempted to do it."

So when doubts arise about transition, can simply look back to June 4th and know I'm doing the right thing. But still have my times when full-time femalehood scares me.

Survived a week of vacation/reunion with my family. Although 'survived' may sound exaggerated, it's truer than you think: suicidal thoughts were more frequent last week and I was glad to get back to normal workaday life. Really appreciated a night out with Erica and Louise on Saturday.

As time goes on, as more memories are examined, I feel increasingly confident that my identity is female. The present also validates it: transition's changes to my body are most welcome, and I'm happiest/most-comfortable when my presentation is feminine enough that people sometimes ma'am me. Sunday morning was hard emotionally when I had trouble getting the 'man' out of the mirror (after a week with my family in strict boy-mode).

Looking forward to this weekend's gathering in Minneapolis. See you there,

Terri

P.S. to Mr. T -- You are correct that being a transsexual is not a goal. Yes, I seek to be female. But in seeking that goal, I also become a transsexual. If I'm accepted as a female, few will know I'm transsexual. But to many people: "Once a transsexual, always a transsexual." Transsexuals are low on the social ladder, incurring stigma and wrath from many. If I let people know I'm transsexual, I risk losing them and their respect; if I try to hide my past, I will have to replace it with lies. Uncomfortable either way -- but better than living with constant GID. Suffice it to say I will never consider running for public office.

Hope that explains it.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Things are going well. I've been on estrogen continuously for over two months with absolutely no plans to stop. Good days outnumber the bad ones. Breast development is proceeding and starting to show, adding a pleasing feminine touch to my overall appearance.

I suppose my transition officially started June 5th, the day after the sentiment,

"If I could pull the plug on my life and foreve

r cease to exist, I'd be tempted to do it."

So when doubts arise about transition, can simply look back to June 4th and know I'm doing the right thing. But still have my times when full-time femalehood scares me.

Survived a week of vacation/reunion with my family. Although 'survived' may sound exaggerated, it's truer than you think: suicidal thoughts were more frequent last week and I was glad to get back to normal workaday life. Really appreciated a night out with Erica and Louise on Saturday.

As time goes on, as more memories are examined, I feel increasingly confident that my identity is female. The present also validates it: transition's changes to my body are most welcome, and I'm happiest/most-comfortable when my presentation is feminine enough that people sometimes ma'am me. Sunday morning was hard emotionally when I had trouble getting the 'man' out of the mirror (after a week with my family in strict boy-mode).

Looking forward to this weekend's gathering in Minneapolis. See you there,

Terri

P.S. to Mr. T -- You are correct that being a transsexual is not a goal. Yes, I seek to be female. But in seeking that goal, I also become a transsexual. If I'm accepted as a female, few will know I'm transsexual. But to many people: "Once a transsexual, always a transsexual." Transsexuals are low on the social ladder, incurring stigma and wrath from many. If I let people know I'm transsexual, I risk losing them and their respect; if I try to hide my past, I will have to replace it with lies. Uncomfortable either way -- but better than living with constant GID. Suffice it to say I will never consider

running for public office.

Hope that explains it.

I don't remember where I read it (the Internet) but I picked up on that from another person who said in essence "I had to be Transexual to become what I am (And I think always was supposed to be)" Anyway she was very put off by the label "transexual" once she had stopped being in the trans part of it. If this makes any sense at all. And I do agree there are (some) folks that hang this stigma over people in transition. But we have had the same people think men with more skin pigment were all "defective" and such so I don't know that its important. BTW on the topic of tolerance - I saw the guy (Robertson?) from the 700 club say that transexuals are (I'm paraphrasing) ok. He said if they are not fornicating, commiting adulty etc why would there be a problem? He said this was strictly a medical problem.

If I can ask one more question. Other then say a person you got intimate with (and in particular) one that wanted bio kids why would it be anyones biz? Maybe being quiet about it is not the right approach because you want to tell the world that you exist? Or to promote it as not being "weird" but simply clinical?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Had a wonderful at the EA "Midwest Meeting of Members" in Minneapolis this past weekend. Highlights:

- Being able to meet so many members in person.

- Unmatched friendliness and welcome by everyone in attendance. Hugs outnumbered handshakes by a wide margin.

- Effortless mixing with other attendees. (I'm normally shy and reserved. However, there's no need for shyness when we can be ourselves.)

- Generous hospitality by those who purchased food, hosted (either by mobile home or picnic tent), and/or cooked.

- Dancing on Saturday night!

IN VINIRUM VERITAS (where vinirum is pronounced "weenie room")

Special highlight on the way home: In the Men's restroom at the airport, a man in his 30's came in, saw me standing by the wastebasket and quickly left, saying, "Think I'm in the wrong place..." That's the highest form of compliment for an MtF. Woo-hoo!

* * *

Continuing to read

Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl.

She does other MtF-transgendered folks a favor by outlining the sexual fantasies and quirks she had as a male-bodied teenager under the influence of testosterone. She states, "So without ever having seen pulp fiction or hardcore porn, my thirteen-year-old brain started concocting scenarios straight out of SM handbooks" (page 274). Nice to see my experience wasn't unique. I think cross-gendering leads to a special set of problems when it comes to sexuality. Although castration didn't cure my transgenderism, it did cure me of troubling sexual appetites. 'Nuff said.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

I am glad you had fun at the meeting. I know I did as well, and I certainly enjoyed finally having the opportunity to meet you in person. I can tell you that should you choose to go further in transition, you will have absolutely no problems passing. (Just change those glasses )

I can tell you were definitely having a good time on the dance floor on Saturday, especially with being the only one of us who stayed sober .

Congrats on your restroom experience! That should definitely go to show you that you are going to have no difficulties in passing as whoever you want to be.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

(NOTE: Hesitated to post this diary entry. Why? Don't want you worrying about me, and it involves arcane issues about TSism and TVism which most people wouldn't worry about anyway. But if I only told you about how good today was without mentioning yesterday, you would get an incomplete picture. So, posting this as an honest/open diary of what transition can be like for some people.)

Today has been great! Was femme for the entire day. Went shopping for clothes, even trying them on in the ladies fitting room. Had lunch and dinner out at fast food places. Used my [somewhat] femme voice for all interactions. Didn't have any uncomfortable encounters (but nor did I use a public restroom). Finished the day with a walk in my neighborhood.

What a difference from yesterday! Had an emotional crash. Even unwrapped an "aftermath of suicide" video I had purchased months ago. (Had gotten it figuring it would help deter me from suicide during low times, so was saving it for a rainy day. Yesterday qualified.) Only had to watch it for a couple of minutes before it had the intended therapeutic effect.

What made yesterday so bad? A combination of things. For one, I keep questioning transition. It is such a radical treatment, so I wonder, "Is it really necessary? Is there another, 'less-invasive' way?" You see, I am an eager-to-please, easy-going, cooperative sort of person. So it's out of character to march off and do something which offends/alienates family (not to mention society in general) and jeopardizes employment.

So, not giving myself fully to transition was one factor in yesterday's emotional crash. Another is a TG friend invited me to a free church dinner. Although the church is friendly toward TGs and I intended to go, found I had to turn the car around. For that's when the emotional crash occurred: too many tears to drive. The rejection I experienced in Florida left too strong a mark.

A third factor was an apparent resurgence of transvestism. First off, keep in mind it is an insult if you call a transsexual a transvestite. To accuse a GID sufferer of dressing for base sexual pleasure...ARGH! All I can say is the accuser hasn't a clue! Second, transvestism is one of the reasons I sought castration (and it worked). But here's where the problem came in: I purchased some nylon underwear and washed it yesterday morning. While setting the underwear out to dry, Mr. Penis saluted the occasion. I thought, "How am I ever going to wear this stuff?" That's NOT why I bought the underwear.

Anyway, it resulted in something of an identity crisis: "Am I really a TV in denial, hiding under the cloak of TSism?" Didn't feel better about it until my evening walk when I realized: "I dress androgynously with the hope that most people will perceive me as female. Why don't I go out femme more often? Because I don't want to be taken for a man in women's clothing. If I were TV, dressing would provide its own reward. But dressing is nothing for me; being perceived as the right gender is everything." (Sorry if my thinking is a bit convoluted, but it does makes sense to this TS.)

Today was a big improvement over yesterday. Got back on the proverbial horse and took control of my transition by having an all-femme day. Something which helped enourage is I may have "found my voice." First voice was too much like Julia Child. The second was a highly-resonant androgynous voice. This third voice was the first to gain approval from others.

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hi Terri, I'm glad the good days are balancing against the bad days. --FLO--

[ramses (imported)]

Hang in there Terri. I think it is good for you and us for you to share the negatives and the positives of your journey. I admire your courage and determination and wish you a future full of acceptance and happiness.

Many hugs, Ramses

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Saturdays have become "femme day" for me. I spend the entire day in girl mode. Doesn't prevent ol' unstable gender identity from showing up, however. When I was out Saturday morning, felt like "I really don't have to do this. What am I doing?"

Dropped by my parents one evening in femme mode. Figured they were probably curious, "What does Terry look like when he dresses?" Now they know. Dad took it better than Mom. She says, "I've lost a son" and "You can't pass as a woman." Dad corrected her and said, "No, I think he would be accepted as a woman."

Made some transition-progress at work today: came out to the office manager. Not only is she fine with it, it was a springboard for further conversation about various problems people around her have.

Had a major-depressing day yesterday. Why?

(1) I'm still resisting transition. Why? It's so radical and so morally-ambiguous. Plus, it's inconceivable to me that some sort of partial accommodation to the disorder wouldn't suffice.

(2) Another reason for the depression is how my family relationships have suffered; feel like I'm going to be held at arm's length from now on. Most of them don't like the idea of me transitioning, but it's as though the damage is already done: their "love" hasn't stood the test. I have revealed my true self to them and they are saying, in essence, "There's something damaged about you. Go see a psychiatrist." So my true self is being rejected. It's as though they want an actor for a son. In frustration, I fantasized about putting an ad in the newspaper (complete with my parents' name and phone number):

WANTED: Actor to replace the son we used to know (now transsexual). Should be creative, loving, and enjoy playing piano. Must have no effeminate tendencies. Part-time evenings and weekends. Contact...

At this point, regaining their full love by resisting transition would be no victory at all. In fact, if I did resist transition indefinitely (by "white-knuckling it" as EricaAnn puts it), I would probably be so sullen and resentful that I would

n't want anything to do with them.

They don't see that this is a life-and-death struggle. In a sense, I feel like a boxer who wants to get out of the profession out of concern he's going to suffer real damage someday, but family is telling him to do his duty and stay in the ring. Does that boxer feel like fighting for his family's benefit/welfare after that? Not likely.

(3) When I picture staying male indefinitely and continuing with my present job, boredom/futilty/depression wells up in me. Staying male would require a job which got my attention and "drove" me. So my job hangs in the balance either way. Guess that's why I felt bold enough to come out to a co-worker.

So yesterday was depressing. I called it my "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN" (IDGAD) day. Have skipped at least four estrogen doses because I just don't give a damn. Guess I'm having my period.

Two things helped brighten my day yesterday:

(1) A fast-food worker said, "Here's your food, ma'am" at the end of a transaction, even though I was in boy mode (long pants, in fact).

(2) Prayerful thoughts: Was thinking I could pray to be latently intersexed, i.e., for either undeveloped female organs to show up in my abdomen or chromosomal abnormalities. That would be my ticket to legitimacy with my family. That's something us transsexuals fervently desire: physical validation for our inward feelings, thus granting us legitimacy. I'm toying with getting an abdominal x-ray and chromosomal testing because of the value a positive result would have on my family relationships. Maybe my wife would even accept me at that point.

Then I think: "But what's the point, anyway? The symptoms would be the same in either case, so isn't my transsexualism worth addressing as well?" But that's not how outsiders view it.

The hope of being secretly intersexed has me feeling, "This could be my ticket to acceptance. Mom and sister would say, 'Terri--you're one of us.'" That would be so precious to hear. If I don't get tested for intersexed conditions, I will probably harbor the delusion I have undeveloped female organs in my abdomen simply to justify measures to myself.

Now, I realize this discussion of my hopes for a latent intersex condition is a pitiful commentary on how desperate we TSs can get. Just telling like it is, letting you peer inside the mind of a transsexual.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

OMG, what is going on with you?

When you are ready, please call me so we can talk.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a quick update to let you know I'm doing well.

Dysphoria has been low over the past few days. It feels like my gender identity has moved more toward the middle. Yet, if I catch "male" in the mirror, it disturbs me. And being sir'd bugs me. So gender identity probably hasn't shifted. Rather, it just means my transition is on schedule.

Figured I would do this "period" thing properly. Taking a week's break from estrogen; using progesterone cream in the meantime. No mood swings or emotional changes so far. Sleeping well.

Had my underarms lasered today. The clinic is having a "name your own price" special, so I splurged: $400 for 6 treatments. The regular price is over $600. (For reference, $1300 was the price for lasering the beard.) I wouldn't have bothered with the underarms but small moles (skin flags) make shaving the underarms problematic.

* * *

IT'S OFFICIAL: We transsexuals have COOTIES!

Driving past the blood bank, there was a sign which said, "Urgent Blood Shortage -- Donate Today." Haven't given for years (after being turned down in the early 90's for having a promiscuous sexual partner in the 80's). Figured they may be desperate enough to want my blood again. Told them of the past rejection, but they said that wasn't a problem. Told them I had some estrogen in my system; still not an issue (at first). When the supervisor was brought in, I mentioned HRT. She asked, "For what reason?" Told her, "Transsexual." At that point, her hands spoke a loud and clear No way! as she stated, "No. We don't take transsexuals under any circumstances." My feelings were a bit hurt. Felt like I was slime which had to be scraped off the floor.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

Glad to hear that you're doing well. I'm also excited to hear about the underarm hair removal. Shaving is such a pain.

A couple of things though. First, we TG girls don't have "periods." Going on and off of the estrogen is very hard on your body and I'm sure if you asked the doctor about this he would very much be against what you're doing. If you're going to be under a doctor's care for your HRT, I would highly suggest following his instructions. STOP PLAYING DOCTOR, Sweetie! I don't know what you're trying to accomplish other than delaying your development and progress.

Secondly, you may feel you have "cooties" but I don't share your feelings on this topic. I'm just your normal girl and as far as I know, girls stop having "cooties" back about the fourth grade.

Have some confidence in yourself and don't worry so much about pleasing your family. If they're going to accept you for yourself, that's great, if not you have to decide if you're going to let them determine your course or if you are the one in control of your life.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

Glad to hear from you

I have to agree with EricaAnn. Skipping the estrogen is not good. Not for your body or your mind. If you want to be on it, take it every day (or however often your particular method should be taken). If you don't want to be on it, stay off of it. I have put my body through more than it can handle with all of my going back and forth with hormones. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Now progesterone on the other hand can be cycled. But you should still take the E along with it. Progesterone should be taken for 10-14 days each month. And of course it should be natural progesterone, not a progestin.

As far as the blood donation thing is concerned, I would have said nothing about the estrogen, and I certainly would not have mentioned being transsexual. Women donate all the time with plenty of estrogen in their blood. It won't affect the quality of your blood at all. The reason they denied you is because they assumed that as a transsexual you sleep around with a great number of men, and men who sleep with even one man are supposed to be permanently banned from donating, although many still do.

I have considered having genetic testing done as well to see if I have an intersex condition, but I haven't for a couple of reasons. One is that I show no physical signs of such a condition - I have a normally masculine body in all respects. So I would be very surprised if I turned out to be intersex. The only possibility that could even remotely be true is XX male syndrome. But for that condition you have to be infertile. I'll never know if I was fertile or not, but if you have had biological children, then you are not XX male.

The second reason is that I was once asked by someone this question - would it matter? If I tested and turned out to be intersex, what would it really change? And if I turned out not to be, what would that really change? That question made me decide not to undergo any testing, because I realized the results would make no difference one way or the other.

Your dad is correct - you will definitely be accepted as a woman. Getting ma'amed when not even trying is the best sign you can get

[mrt (imported)]

Having been a total Doctor a phobe at one point I can "understand" your wanting to play doctor but PLEASE listen to Plix and Erica Ann. None of us wants you to be hurt and goofing around with hormones can be so dangerous. A doctor (Any good one) swears an oath about doctor patient confidentiality.

They also have your health as their primary mission. So, if your using hormones from Joe's Mexican Hormone Store they will at the very least monitor you to see they are not frying your liver etc.

Plix and I have talked a little bit about my (his) experience with HRT and how it changes attitudes, behaviour etc. I think its well worth seeing a good MD and getting on a healthy dose but that takes real work! Labs, dose adjustments and more labs and more dose adjustments to get it right. Your diary (my opinion) is you tracking a wild roller coaster of meds and their influence on you. HRT is not an exact science but to get it right you need to be (Again, my opinion) more scientific about it.

These people who think you have cooties are the same type geniuses who think skin color defines people. They were probably telling people they didn't want "black" blood. Idiots! Ignore them...

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

How are you doing? Hope all is going well

You really should update more often. We do worry about you

[mrt (imported)]

Terri,

How are you doing? Hope all is going well

You really should update more often. We do worry about you

I agree! Where are you and are you doing ok???

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I humbly thank you for your interest. Sorry the diary hasn't been updated for awhile. Figured it wouldn't be interesting; just more of the same ups, downs, and changes in direction.

Haven't dressed for the last two weekends: not enough "gender angst" plus I'm wondering again if transition can be put off indefinitely. Alternatively, when transition is inevitable, I get with the program by dressing (and it's enjoyable enough).

Even though I haven't been dressing, the female identity leaks out in the form of shopping choices. Picked up a pink coverlet at my favorite thrift store. Got out the sewing machine and reduced it from queen to twin size, even reattaching the fringe. Also bought some lace pillows for the bed. Plus my car now has three stuffed-animal companions.

What changed, that I haven't been dressing? As most of you know, my GID story is different from most. Although I certainly would have preferred being female from an early age, I didn't identify with females until a palpable gender shift in Oct-Nov 2004, prior to castration. (Heeeyyy...This month and next month is the three-year anniversary of the gender shift.) Anyway, my story is different from most.

Then two weeks ago, it seemed the GID had eased off somewhat and I realized my sexual orientation hadn't shifted as much as previously thought. (Realized I could make love to a woman, just not my wife.) Trying to make a complex psychological situation understandable in one sentence, I think my wife's rejection of me in the bedroom (June 2004) ended up twisting my psyche. So I figure, "What can be twisted can also be untwisted," and that gives me hope that I may "untwist" over time.

Yet, although optimistic two weeks ago, I seem to be declining moodwise, falling into May's pattern when I was putting off transition. Back then, my relationships were deteriorating even though transition had been shelved. Example: Declined a restaurant invitation tonight from parents and some siblings. Figured I would just be sending my male-appearing "stand in" anyway, so what's the point? I end up having to suppress so much of myself on these occasions, there's little left and I end up being quite inhibited. Although some family members are accepting, seems none of them believe my female gender, so it's awkward/frustrating/unsatisfying. I mean, if a person doesn't accept my female identity, then conversing about pink coverlets, lace pillows, toenail polish, hairstyle will just be absurd.

* * *

Got frustrated this week at how my lifelong screwed-up gender identity has resulted in screwed-up sexual appetites. Leaving out details, it seems clear that, although I've considered myself heterosexual, my psyche has wanted the woman to take on some male attributes while I take on some female attributes. But this insight came only recently. Previously, this twisting of things has expressed itself in all kinds of unusual/lurid fantasies. I'm frustrated at the inevitability of it (a natural outgrowth of an ambiguous gender identity) and the stubbornness of it (required castration to regain control of my thoughts).

And I am crying more (again). The constant stress of GID means I have less resilience for normal day-to-day frustrations. When someone has a down day, they can encourage themselves by saying, "At least my life is in order: got a nice family, etc., etc." That foundation is missing for me because my life is royally screwed. All I can say is, "Heaven will be nice."

I suppose all this makes me a fine poster child for the perils of non-transition. Prospective-MtF husbands can show this diary to their reluctant wives saying, "You don't want me to end up like this loser, do you? See what a basket-case one becomes if transition is put off?"

Will I dress tomorrow? Only tomorrow knows.

* * *

Visited EricaAnn's endocrinologist a few weeks ago and had hormone levels checked:

T = 43 (Low enough to not need spironolactone.)

E = 248 (Doctor says this is at low end of desired range.)

FSH = 26.9 (A menopausal level. Body is still asking for more hormones.)

I had been taking 2mg/day of estrogen, but bumped it to 4mg/day 10 days before the bloodwork. Left boobie is progressing, but can't even tell for sure whether the right one has changed.

Till next time,

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Terri,

Thank you for the update.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

Thanks so much for updating

An E level of 248 on only 4 mg a day. Wow! You must really absorb E well and metabolize it quite slowly. My E level on 4 mg daily (split into two doses) was 118. Was your 4 mg taken all at once or split into two doses of 2 mg? If it was taken all at once, maybe 248 is not so surprising. But I am surprised your doctor is saying that an estradiol level of 248 is on the low end, especially for someone your age. I think 250ish is about right. Of course, thinking that is probably why I don't have a medical degree. Listen to your doctor over me Just be sure he knows what he is doing when it comes to trans hormone therapy. I know of a lot of so-called "experts" in it who have worked with lots of patients but still don't have a clue.

Your T level is not bad for being a eunuch. Most eunuchs do not produce that much. I wish I did. I'd like to see my T around 75. Are you taking something to boost it like DHEA?

FSH has more to do with reproduction than it does hormones. Your FSH is probably high because your body is trying to induce spermatogenesis, which obviously is not going to happen. LH is the one to look at to see if your body is happy with its hormone level.

I hope you are getting other tests too, especially liver function and prolactin. Something going wrong with either of those could be really dangerous.

*Hugs* Keep up with the updates, no matter how uninteresting you think they might be

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hi Terri, nice to hear from you once again. --FLO--