Late onset (yet always there)

[plix (imported)]

I did some research, and it appears that LH and FSH actually function somewhat differently in females versus males, although the underlying ideas are the same. I was used to their functions in the male body

In the male, LH's primary function is to stimulate the production of testosterone. When T is low, LH is produced and increases T. When T is high, that T triggers the brain to decrease LH output.

In the female, the opposite seems to be the case. At the peak of her cycle, the high E levels actually casue the brain to drastically increase LH production (in the male high T would inhibit LH), which triggers ovulation.

As far as FSH goes, in the male its job is to induce spermatogenesis and also produce a hormone that decreases FSH production.

In the female, FSH stimulates the follicles in the ovary to mature and produce estrogen. In the male, remember, FSH is not related to testosterone production.

I don't know whether these differences in function are due to genes or hormones, or whether the brain could be "fooled" into thinking that the body has the reproductive organs of the opposite sex with the proper hormone regimen (and thus affecting LH and FSH levels into a female pattern), but it is important to know the different functions of the two in the different sexes, and how they may, if it is hormones and not genes, mean something entirely different than they would in the male.

So your high FSH level could mean that your E is actually high rather than low if it can actually change to match a female pattern (high E also increases FSH). On the other hand, if the brain always knows what reproductive sex you are regardless of hormonal changes, then your FSH level is likely an attempt to induce spermatogenesis as I suspected before.

But also like I said before, you should be trusting your doctor over me. This is just me giving you some information that I found

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a quick post

to let you know I'm doing well.

Why the difference? Didn't fight transition this past week. Instead, just maintained the transition "trajectory." Dressed last weekend, and dressed today. There's some effort in "getting on the horse" each time, but once I'm there I don't want to get off. So I end up spending an entire day shopping (mostly window shopping).

Terri

P.S. to Plix: Thanks for the hormone info. But you know what I go by -- how I tell if I'm getting a good dose of estrogen? My boobies are sensitive or hurt. (Hate to borrow from bodybuilders, but it's so true: no pain, no gain.)

Also, you are absolutely right (in your Sept. 20th post above) that any latent intersex condition would be inconsequential at this point. Even if two little vestigial ovaries were discovered in my abdomen, the discovery wouldn't justify breaking up a household and radical lifestyle changes. No. But suicidal depression caused by GID? Now that's justification enough for action.

So glad we were able to finally meet each other (at the MOM in Minneapolis). I remember you fondly and you have been in my thoughts.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Terri,

Somehow, I managed to miss your remarkable story until I saw your post today. Then I went back to the start and read everything. I can't thank you enough for sharing so much of what has often been a very difficult path. I'm dealing with some of the issues you have. I, too, thought it was a wonderful thing when I first learned of transgender surgery and actually wished I could be one of those persons, to actually go through with it I mean. I was horrified when I started to go through puberty. I shaved off my new body hair when I had to go to a school physical. There are lots of similarities, although I never played football . Of course, there are differences too, but your story really speaks to me. As for the C.. whatever test for transexuality goes, I came out as a probable transexual and although I'm not convinced of the test's accuracy, I don't disagree with the general direction. I was married for 20 years and managed to convince myself, part of the time, that I was a normal male but that was never true. I consider myself a gay/bi/eunuch mismash. I had planned to attend the twin cities MOM this summer but turned a (valid) excuse of an asthma attack into a way of chickening out. I was afraid that meeting some of you (and please don't misunderstand, I'm very impressed by the folks on this site) it would become more difficult for me to continue avoiding my own issues, which I think are actually more genital dysphoria (am I getting the right?). And besides, our beloved sister in red would be there and what chance would I have then? At any rate, I thank you and the others who have so freely shared their stories here. I'm finally accepting, I hope anyway!, that I've got to deal with my issues. It's taken me 55 years. Things have gotten to the point where I'm concerned about drinking too much so I know I need to get things in better order. I feel like I wasted so much of my life going down the wrong paths.

Peace,

Todd

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just letting you know I'll be offline for about a week while visiting my wife and 7yo son. Wife and I have been communicating more lately, after discovering we are able to share deeply via e-mail. Phone calls don't work as well since interrogation and tone of voice are present. I don't expect any particular outcome from the trip: wife can't handle me violating gender boundaries, and I can't function within them (over the long haul). Will be in strict male-mode since son doesn't know about my issues.

Terri

P.S. to Todd: You're welcome, and thanks for adding your story.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

Best wishes for your trip Maybe being on good terms with your wife will at least enable you to have a closer relationship with your son.

I am also very glad I got to meet you in person, and have thought of you as well

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

The trip to see my wife and son was good, then bad. Things started off well. On the third night, we were both feeling optimistic enough to engage in a heart-to-heart discussion. Didn't go well. Both of us were depressed from then onward: my wife lost interest in food, I stopped grooming (showering/shaving).

My wife is at a make-or-break point now, holding divorce over my head. Since she hasn't yielded an inch on making any accommodations for GID, I will tell her to go ahead with her plans (i.e., divorce). After all, what can I do since GID isn't something one can negotiate with as an equal?

On a positive note, it appears my rapport with women has noticably improved (wife excepted :-\), so I'm optimistic about gaining friends eventually. Had a good, long chat with the office manager at work today and she volunteered that, almost immediately after I started working there, she felt I was someone she would 'click' with. Recent conversations with other women have me optimistic as well. Such a difference from the old "testosterone" days! Back then (I'm ashamed to say), at some point during nearly any conversation with a woman, I would think "she's different down there" and involuntarily conjure up an image of that difference. Also, I had to avoid friendliness/outgoingness with women who were attractive to me, lest my intentions be mixed.

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Terri,

Sorry to hear that your wife is still so un-yielding. Are you able to see your son when you want and able to take him places?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

The last seven days have been hard emotionally, trying to figure out what reply to give my estranged wife. As you recall, she is at a make-or-break point, wondering whether to proceed with divorce. I've been kind of mopey, and even had to take time out from attending a trade show to weep in a public restroom. Hate to see the family unit die. I really do think I could forego transition if I were in a supportive family arrangement, but GID would have to be accommodated to some extent in the home. However, my wife is not willing to even acknowledge the female in me, much less accommodate her/me; ANY bent toward femininity on my part is unacceptable to my wife.

Had a hard time getting up on Sunday. Bitterness and resentment was building toward my wife (and mom, too, for her lack of acceptance). My face immediately brightened, however, when I thought: "May as well go out dressed today." And I had a great day, as compared to Saturday -- which was awful -- when I didn't dress. Going out dressed is therapeutic and good for the psyche.

Regarding divorce, told my wife yesterday: "I can't give you the happy answer you want. Do what you need to."

Actually, I'm somewhat relieved at the thought of not having any future sexual demands placed on me. While flipping channels on TV the other evening, came across an intercourse scene and became very disturbed emotionally -- as though I have been traumatized by sex. I don't want any therapy or attempts at healing; just want to be left alone in that area.

Finally finished reading Christine Jorgenson's personal autobiography. She concludes by discussing what was known about transsexuality in the year of publication (1967) and quotes extensively from a November 21, 1966, front-page article in the New York Times. Although much research has gone on since then, two quotes really caught my eye. The first could be discussing me:

...many leading psychiatrists and psychoanalysts who have examined transsexuals believe that they cannot be helped by psychotherapy. Such persons, moreover, are regarded as prone to mental breakdown and depression, suicide, and occasionally, self mutilation.

The second is comforting because it affirms our basic sanity:

...A number of psychiatrists familiar with the subject regard the majority of transsexuals as emotionally normal except for their gender confusion, which leads to intense feelings of frustration. "It flies in the face of everything I believed when I began," said a Los Angeles psychiatrist-psychoanalyst, who has done considerable research in the field. "They are shockingly normal except for that one area."

NORMAL. Has a nice ring to it.

Terri

P.S. to Mac: Wife and I live in different states. We have occasional visits, and I've been able to spend unsupervised time with my son. That could change with divorce.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Got a major insight into the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift a couple of days ago: after my wife lost interest in lovemaking and I was consequently battling male libido, I didn't just side with her. Siding with someone has a limited scope, pertaining only to the matter at hand. Instead -- and this idiom captures it well -- I cast in my lot with females.

cast in one's lot with -- to ally oneself with; share the life and fortunes of.

That expression describes what I did subconsciously at the time. And the scope went WAY BEYOND the bedroom as this diary attests, even though the decision was subconscious. When castration followed 5 months later, the resulting hormonal changes solidified the alliance with females, for I now felt like one emotionally.

And all of this dredged up my long-buried preference to be female, causing my personal life (and household) to implode.

Fellow transsexuals and I have noted a difference in my TS story: the identification with females didn't start until the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift. It was only after that that I became a full-fledged TS.

* * *

So where does that major insight bring me now? I'm at the brink of concluding I'm more-male-than-female after all, albeit with feminine tendencies and a frustrated desire to be female. Up to this point, the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift has been a mysterious thing. But now it seems I cast my lot with females after being THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED with male libido. That doesn't make me female. It only shows where my alliances are.

I still primp in front of the mirror, gaining satisfaction at my feminine-appearing face (with the benefits of laser beard removal). Still have the emotions of a female. I passed the transsexual "hormone test," much preferring estrogen to testosterone. And still have this key to understanding my life: I have feminine tendencies and a preference for female company.

We'll see where this leads, if anywhere. For the time being, I've lowered my estrogen dosage from 4mg/day to 2mg/day. Still need the mental/emotional benefits but I'm wavering on the physical effects.

Terri

P.S. -- I've been a happier, more stable person on 4mg/day, as my recent posts (or lack thereof -- since I tend to post when I'm depressed) will attest. Going down to 2mg/day is an experiment. If you notice a decided downward turn in my posting demeanor/mood, we will all know that Terri functions better on 4mg/day.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I see you are still learning about yourself. You seem to be happier than you had been so, maybe this is a good path for you. --FLO--

[mrt (imported)]

NORMAL. Has a nice ring to it.

Terri

I had the same feeling of relief after seeing a shrink before my Orchiectomy for Chronic pain. The shrink was very supportive and told me that I was more sane them most healthy people and that he felt the whole thing was very straightforward.

I am not TS but I've studied a lot and I don't see any reason to see your issues as anything "insane" except that some of the junk you have had t deal with might MAKE you insane.

[plix (imported)]

I've known for quite some time now that I am fully male but with personality traits that we have socially constructed to be "feminine." I'll never be as manly as most men or even understand most men, but I am a man nonetheless. Glad to know you are discovering new things about yourself

I think it is OK for a man to be taking E if that is what he wants. Whatever your identity, I see nothing wrong with you taking E as long as you are comfortable.

*Hugs* Hope things continue going well for you

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

Got a major insight into the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift ...... after my wife lost interest in lovemaking and I was consequently battling male libido .....

I cast in my lot with females. ....

. When castration followed 5 months later, the resulting hormonal changes solidified the alliance with females, for I now felt like one emotionally. ..... the identification with females didn't start until the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift. It was only after that that I became a full-fledged TS.

* * *

..... I'm at the brink of concluding I'm more-male-than-female after all, albeit with feminine tendencies and a frustrated desire to be female. ..... But now it seems I cast my lot with females after being THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED with male libido. That doesn't make me female. It only shows where my alliances are.

..... Still have the emotions of a female. ..... I have feminine tendencies and a preference for female company. .....

Terri

...... :)Is your wife able to live with that so it will be possible to reconcile your family situation?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Long diary entry today!

Got another

major insight into the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift a

few days ago. My battle with male libido left its scars. This will sound strange but I became, in essence, a sexual abuse victim. Wouldn't have believed it; but my reactions to things on TV are what you would expect of an abuse victim. Anything about rape, child molestation, or merely witnessing R-rated consensual intercourse causes me to freak out and burst into tears.

No wonder I identify with the victims of sexual abuse and want to distance myself from the abusing gender. But I've never been sexually abused that I know of, and my problems didn't really develop until I got tired of having to deal with perverted appetites (in 2001 or so). My own libido became my abuser.

I wouldn't make such a claim except those "freak out" responses demonstrate my case is more than just GID. The battle with libido has left me traumatized.

Wife and 7yo son visited over the holidays. Shared this latest insight with my wife and she received it well. Our discussion left us both in tears, and we hugged a long time, crying freely. Two nights later, at her initiation, we snuggled and slept in the same bed.

* * *

But I'm not out of the woods yet as far as GID is concerned. The insight in my December 5th post didn't help very much. Not long after I started thinking of myself as male, icky sexual appetites (along the lines of female domination) started troubling me again. So I discarded the insight and allowed my gender to drift back to its natural position (more female than male).

You see, as a female, my mind is clean, with only passing sexual thoughts. And those thoughts are about rather ordinary sex.

Thus, the experience in early December (i.e., the return of icky thoughts while believing myself male) has helped answer a lingering question: Was a gender shift necessary for my healing from yucky appetites? That is, did healing require more than castration -- did it require a switch in my gender? I think so!

I would have never believed life could get so bizarre, but I'm living this thing out.

* * *

Visited my endo recently. Testosterone level is 39 and estrogen level is down to 129. But recall I lowered my estrogen dosage to 2mg/day from 4mg/day.

I don't know what to do regarding estrogen. My current goal is to remain a nominal male for employment purposes and to [hopefully] preserve the marriage. But in my heart of hearts, I am disappointed with my breast growth up to this point and want more.

Nobody ever said humans are consistent/coherent.

* * *

Been reading Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent. Norah disguised herself as a man for a year to experience life as a male firsthand and observe what males are like when women aren't around. She is lesbian and a bit of a tomboy but (as she explains) not transsexual. Her insights are from the female perspective.

Figured the book would be helpful to gauge my observations of men: Do my insights agree with Norah's? Am I viewing maleness as an outsider?

That's all for now. Thank you for your interest this past year. Merry Belated Christmas!

Terri

P.S. to Mac: Hard to say whether wife and I will be able to reconcile. She appears unwilling to make any accommodations for GID (although we haven't discussed particulars). For my part, it's hard to negotiate with GID since it saps all interest in living if not addressed to some extent. Currently thinking hormones, shaved body hair, women's underwear, and occasional nightgown use may be sufficient to remain a nominal male. (If the preceding statement strikes you as contradictory, you're not alone. ) Those are things I would have never allowed for myself years ago, but now they seem like small potatoes next to full transition.

[bryan (imported)]

One more thing:

In case you are wondering what I mean by "nominal" male, here are a few definitions of "nominal" to convey what I'm thinking (taken from http://dictionary.die.net/nominal):

2: insignificantly small; a matter of form only; "the fee was nominal"; "a token gesture of resistance"; [syn: token, tokenish]

...

4: value in terms of specification on currency or stock certificates rather than purchasing power; "nominal or face value"

...

6: being such in name only; "the nominal (or titular) head of his party"

The last is my personal favorite since I am becoming a titular male.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year! I'm doing quite well these days, after going back to 4mg/day of estrogen. Also, it surely helps to feel accepted/loved by my wife to an extent.

* * *

In contrast to the traditional New Year's greeting above, the new year has started with grief: a co-worker whom I liked/appreciated committed suicide on New Year's. Makes me wish I had gotten to know him better. Maybe if he had known about my issues and my battles with suicidal thoughts, he would have felt free to call me. Cried a lot yesterday. I'll miss him. (BTW: I'm leaving out details and his presumed motivations for the sake of anonymity.)

* * *

On a better note, Norah Vincent's book Self-Made Man has been a great read. As you may recall, Norah spent a year disguised as a man. Although she is merely a masculine woman, not a transsexual, I believe she did the TS community a service by her experiment/experience.

You see, the book has an unexpected twist toward the end (starting on page 267): Norah-as-Ned eventually had a real-life nervous breakdown! She checked herself into the psychiatric ward of a hospital and was classified as 'passively suicidal.' She identifies the causes as:

1. all the guilt of being an impostor,

2. the anxiety of being caught at it, and

3. the 'by then extreme discomfort of contravening my own gender identity.'

Let's think about this: Someone goes against his/her own gender identity for an extended length of time and ends up having a nervous breakdown. We can apply this observation two ways:

a. Yes, late-transitioner transsexuals often have a breakdown and/or become suicidal after a life of pretending to be the other gender.

b. Yet, you don't hear about transsexuals having nervous breakdowns after transitioning.

Norah expected to be free as Ned:

(page 277) I've been considered a masculine woman all my life...I figured that when I went out as a guy some imbalance would correct itself and I'd be just a regular Joe, well within the acceptable gender spectrum. But suddenly, as a man, people were seeing my femininity bursting out all over the place, and they did not receive it well.

(pages 275-276) I had thought that by being a guy I would get to do all the things I didn't get to do as a woman...But when it actually came to the business of being Ned I rarely felt free at all. Far from busting loose, I found myself clamping down instead.

I curtailed everything: my laugh, my word choice, my gestures, my expressions. Spontaneity went out the window, replaced by terseness, dissimulation, and control. I hardened and denied to the point almost of ossification. I couldn't be myself, and after a while, this really got me down. [emphasis added]

Almost gives me goose pimples thinking about this. Norah has provided a 'control group' in the matter of transition! Namely: what happens when you take a gender-congruent person and have them transition (albeit without hormones)? THEY EVENTUALLY HAVE A BREAKDOWN!

Reminds me of my time back in Florida when I was still living with my wife and had to clamp down on my gender expression. I had become depressed and passively suicidal, and was heading toward being actively suicidal.

Just so the non-transsexual reader can understand, I'll state what TSs already know (paralleling Norah's causes of her breakdown). When we cross-dress and/or transition:

1. The deception isn't beginning, it is ending. We are presenting our true selves and thus do not suffer from impostor's guilt.

2. True, we do suffer some anxiety about not passing well.

3. Far from contravening our gender identity, we are actually embracing our gender identity and can thus be ourselves. Mannerisms/expressions which previously had to be stifled are free to emerge.

Don't you just love it?! It was hard to put the book down at times.

That's all for now,

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

I'm really really sorry to hear about your co worker. Thats really sad.

I picked up the book its very interesting to see being "male" from a female view point. I think its as important as "Black like me" where a white man went into the southern world as a black man and saw whats it really like.

I think being able to see being Male from Female eyes is at least VERY interesting. I will really have to do some digging to find this but I found a pod cast from a F2M transexual who kept a diary of her/his experiences in transition also extremely interesting and very much echoed my experiences when I went on Hormone Replacement.

I think a lot of our TS friends have reported a sense of "relief" when they spoke to a Doctor about this for the first time or were "oked" for HRT or got that date with a GRS/SRS surgeon. I the reason? Well.... I suspect your right. Its the end of "pretending" to be the other gender and the freedom to be yourself.

I got some emails from people who were confused about my outspoken comments on the joys of "testosterone" and sex etc. I tend to think that my experience in some odd ways mirrors some of what you and other TS folks go through. I was born with normal functioning hormone makers. During birth when I was "wired" I got the male signal or however it worked. When disease goofed up my ability to make my own hormones I had almost all the bad issues with being a Eunuch and none of the good ones. Perhapes my levels were stuck in that middle zone (Or Eunuch levels are just not my bag) or what I don't know. Part of it is that I clearly missed my "male-ness." So, when I went on HRT and had my Orchiectomy to get rid of the broken parts and have healthy looking "replacements" put in I kind of felt as that PODCAST F2M transexual did. Except that in my case I had some experience with being male. And yes, I felt relief at every step along the way. Being able to speak to my doctor, getting onto HRT, getting a date for my male 2 MALE surgery etc.

It sounds to me like your really working this out in your head. I'm really happy to hear how upbeat you are.

Hi everyone,

Happy New Year! I'm doing quite well these days, after going back to 4mg/day of estrogen. Also, it surely helps to feel accepted/loved by my wife to an extent.

* * *

In contrast to the traditional New Year's greeting above, the new year has started with grief: a co-worker whom I liked/appreciated committed suicide on New Year's. Makes me wish I had gotten to know him better. Maybe if he had known about my issues and my battles with suicidal thoughts, he would have felt free to call me. Cried a lot yesterday. I'll miss him. (BTW: I'm leaving out details and his presumed motivations for the sake of anonymity.)

* * *

On a better note, Norah Vincent's book Self-Made Man has been a great read. As you may recall, Norah spent a year disguised as a man. Although she is merely a masculine woman, not a transsexual, I believe she did the TS community a service by her experiment/experience.

You see, the book has an unexpected twist toward the end (starting on page 267): Norah-as-Ned eventually had a real-life nervous breakdown! She checked herself into the psychiatric ward of a hospital and was classified as 'passively suicidal.' She identifies the causes as:

1. all the guilt of being an impostor,

2. the anxiety of being caught at it, and

3. the 'by then extreme discomfort of contravening my own gender identity.'

Let's think about this: Someone goes against his/her own gender identity for an extended length of time and ends up having a nervous breakdown. We can apply this observation two ways:

a. Yes, late-transitioner transsexuals often have a breakdown and/or become suicidal after a life of pretending to be the other gender.

b. Yet, you don't hear about transsexuals having nervous breakdowns after transitioning.

Norah expected to be free as Ned:

Almost gives me goose pimples thinking about this. Norah has provided a 'control group' in the matter of transition! Namely: what happens when you take a gender-congruent person and have them transition (albeit without hormones)? THEY EVENTUALLY HAVE A BREAKDOWN!

Reminds me of my time back in Florida when I was still living with my wife and had to clamp down on my gender expression. I had become depressed and passively suicidal, and was heading toward being actively suicidal.

Just so the non-transsexual reader can understand, I'll state what TSs already know (paralleling Norah's causes of her breakdown). When we cross-dress and/or transition:

1. The deception isn't beginning, it is ending. We are presenting our true selves and thus do not suffer from impostor's guilt.

2. True, we do suffer some anxiety about not passing well.

3. Far from contravening our gender identity, we are actually embracing our gender identity and can thus be ourselves. Mannerisms/expressions which previously had to be stifled are free to emerge.

Don't you just love it?! It was hard to put the book down at times.

That's all for now,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Since the beginning of this diary, I've never waited this long between posts. That shows how well I've been doing. My mental outlook is fairly positive these days, but it has taken some adjustment. I've come to accept I'm going to be a gender oddball, being not-quite man and not-quite woman.

Regarding transition: in truth, I have "transitioned," and that is what has brought peace; I just haven't transitioned all the way. Still taking estrogen, but only 2mg/day. Still grateful for my April 2005 surgery with Dr. Kimmel. Still wearing my hair longish and feminine. When buying clothes, I avoid the men's department and look in the women's department for items which are on the gender-neutral side. Turtlenecks are great, especially when I can "bridge" them without a bra. Still getting laser treatments to reduce facial hair. Still using my gender-neutral middle name at work and with friends. When I'm feeling ugly, I'll use light cosmetics. My apartment has plenty of feminine touches.

By the above paragraph, I don't mean to cheapen the definition of transition; but I realized I can't honestly say I haven't transitioned. (Just ask any normal woman who is looking for a normal husband whether I'd qualify.) Folks who haven't transitioned still have T in their veins, look basically-male in their everyday appearance, don't wear nightgowns to bed, etc.

I can't slide back toward maleness; GID doesn't allow it. Every now and then, I look in the mirror and pull my hair out of the way, wondering if I could stand to look at a shorter, male-style haircut. Every time, the answer is "No."

My everyday appearance has a feminine cast to it. At work (at a client site), an "out" lesbian approached and asked if I was getting any grief from the other plant workers over my appearance. (No.) Earlier in the day, she had said, "You're looking especially lovely these days." (Music to my ears!) She could tell I was TG, so I opened up. She said some workers ask whether I'm the "sister or cousin" of one of the female workers due to a strong resemblance.

If I hadn't come this far transition-wise, I would still be suffering gender angst, compulsively/obsessively analyzing gender in general and my gender in particular. So to this extent, I can definitely say "transition works." Estrogen was the biggest help; as soon as I had enough in my bloodstream, the obsessive gender analysis began to subside. Another help is knowing my appearance is ambiguous to others, since a normal male presentation would feel deceptive/weird/superficial/awkward/painful.

Something else which has brought peace: I consider my marriage kaput. We are still in the "separated" category, but I don't see how my wife will ever accept my present lifestyle. By considering the marriage kaput, I have regained self-esteem/self-worth. How is that, you ask? In the context of a failing marriage, I was a "defective" person who had to be cured or healed. Now, I'm just gender-ambiguous "Terry" who is helpful, polite, and gets along well with people -- acceptable in his/her own right.

Terri

P.S. to Mr. T: Thanks for your response. Glad you found Norah's book interesting.

[Eunuch2be (imported)]

Terri,

So good to see you are still around. I had wonder what had happened, since there had been a lot of time since your last post.

I understand how you feel about being a gender oddball. I feel the same way. For years I have dealt with gender identity issues, even transitioning for a year and a half in '96-'98, but having to give it up for various reasons. Since then I came accross this forum, and have looked and silently planned for the day I can have them removed. and while my primary desire is to transition, I recently came out as gay as one friend thought "to get out of the box I was in".

So I'll end up as a gay feminine eunuch, or a transgendered woman. Either way, probably a gender odd ball or some version of a flaming queer.

Stand strong, your an inspiration!

Eunuch2be

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

You have made so much progress since the beginning of your journey, and I think you have discovered some pretty amazing things about yourself.

I know that you finally starting to find a place to settle in that you are comfortable with, and I think this is great.

Keep up the updates, even if all is well. We love hearing from you

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

What it is like when a transsexual is able to reduce/eliminate gender frustration by transitioning?

- Like getting on an open expressway after going thru a congested construction area...

- Like when the pilot says, "You are now free to move about the cabin" and you've been dying to use the restroom.

I was out all day on Saturday (dressed) and it felt wonderful. Felt like I could breathe, like I could roam freely.

* * *

It's been three months since my last update. In that time, we experienced the passing of Christina. What a shame. She will be missed.

How is transition going, you ask? Not long ago it was stalled. Was taking only 4mg of estrogen per day. Dressed ambiguously, not full femme. Had no goals for life except to avoid suicide. Emotional downs were becoming more frequent and more severe.

My attitude toward life was slowly souring and I belatedly recognized the culprit: poor/lazy management of my GID. Therefore, I put transition back on the front burner by taking action: got my ears pierced and started laser treatments on my chest 10 days ago. Those two steps have done wonders for my mental outlook. (In case you're interested: The earrings are aquamarine in a gold setting. Love 'em!) Also bumped my E dosage to 6mg/day.

Spent the last 11 days thinking about gender. Been trying to make double- and triple-sure that I'm female inside, as well as trying to establish a philosophy for transition that I can live with. Came to some peace about it yesterday and today.

What do I mean by a "philosophy for transition"? Basically, a justification for my personal transition which is compatible with my worldview (Christian). Some philosphies encountered along the way:

- "You have to do what makes you happy." Compatible with United States philosophy ("pursuit of happiness") but Christians are expected to suffer sometimes.

- My endocrinologist's philosophy about GID is, "It is what it is." Well stated since it's hard to argue with hard-wiring in the brain which operates below the level of rational thought. In other words, we don't have to explain it or understand it in order to treat it. Although it appears transition is necessary to avoid depression and dysfunction, some amount of sacrifice is expected of Christians.

- "You have to like yourself" (from a female co-worker). This has merit. We should have the freedom to change and improve ourselves, especially if we hate what we are. Self-hatred and low self-esteem can lead to suicide.

Finally, the philosophy which carries the biggest weight for me at this point concerns relationships and personal growth. Recognizing the cross-gendering now, I can look back at my younger days and past relationships and see how the then-unrecognized cross-gendering still had an influence.

Here's what I'm trying to get at:

First, recognize that gender is extremely important. For instance, look at how it creates two distinct classes in every culture. Also note its prominence in language (e.g., he/she, uncle/aunt, brother/sister, actor/actress, etc.). Gender is the primary way we classify people and plays a part in most, if not all, relationships.

Therefore, since gender is so very important, relationships and an individual's growth/maturity are doomed to suffer twists and/or stunting unless a person is operating with the correct gender.

When my Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift hit the fan in 2005, it was like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" for my wife. I had changed inside and she no longer recognized the person in me. It frightened her -- something along the lines of demon possession. However, if she had only factored gender into the equation, she could have seen I was simply a female version of the person she knew before.

Regarding personal growth: what about goals and ambitions? I have no desire to learn how to be a "better male." Maleness is a dead-end street for me in light of the "I'm female inside" epiphany. Even if I chose not to care and feed for the female in me, I'm not about to controvert my inner nature by adopting new male traits. With regard to feminine socialization, I admit I have shortcomings and could benefit from the sort of coaching girls get from parents and peers. So I do have ambition to become a better female. There's life and a future in that direction.

Concluding on a philosophy of transition: Christians are to work on their inner selves and their relationships. Since gender is a fundamental dimension/component in both areas, I believe the effort will ultimately be frustrated by cross-gendering unless: (1) the cross-gendering is recognized, (2) the inner gender accepted/embraced by the individual, and (3) the inner gender lived on the outside as well.

* * *

Wondering about my marriage? It is headed for divorce, though nothing formal yet. Amazingly enough, the reason put forth by my wife (and I accept her reasoning) is my inner identity of female makes our relationship lesbian and therefore invalid, even if I never get SRS. Not that I have anything against lesbians; I'm just uncomfortable in the role of one. (I'm asexual at this point, but fantasies involve men and equipment I would like to have but don't possess.)

I liken the marriage to a brother and sister, separated at birth, who marry without realizing their connection. When they later discover they are brother and sister, they feel odd about the marriage and annul it in good conscience.

* * *

Frustration: I think the reason transsexuals eventually suffer breakdowns and yield to transition is accumulated stress/frustration. For sufferers of GID, there is an added burden of gender frustration on top of all of life's routine frustrations. Conveying this in concrete terms, let's say a well-adjusted adult normally has 100 "units" of patience to fall back on each day. Additionally assume a normal day consumes 60 units of patience and a stressful day maybe 90 units. The person is left with a reservoir of patience most of the time (10-40 units). Combine a bad day at work with a bad day at home and the person will go into the red patience-wise. Now look at a GID sufferer: added to the commonplace stress is a daily burden of gender frustration -- say 40 unit's worth for the sake of discussion. The GID sufferer is left with no reservoir of patience after a good day (0 units) and goes into the red on a bad day (-30 units), suffering emotional crashes on a frequent, unhealthy basis. No wonder depression and suicidal thoughts often accompany GID.

* * *

The upshot of this renewed attention to transition and a philosophy I'm comfortable with is I'm feeling pretty good about myself and confident about the future. No depression. Realized one evening aweek ago: "Heyyy....I'm not dreading work tomorrow."

Thanks for your interest. Hope I didn't get preachy; just sharing the inner conflicts a person can go thru with GID,

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

It is

good to hear from you again. I have

been wondering how things are going for you. --FLO--

[Milkman (imported)]

Boy this is rough trip .. thank you for documenting your gender re-orientation. Have you lost your sex drive from the confusion at this point?

[mrt (imported)]

Your reasoning sounds perfectly valid to me. I hope that thinking it out loud has helped you find some peace with your direction. I think it can often be helpful to do this sort of thing.

I think its perfectly understandable how your wife and you feel. Its too bad that can't be worked out but... What turned her on about you when you were dating was clearly YOU but in a different package. And I don't know that I would be any better then she is if my wife suddenly informed me she was going to become male. Anyway, I do hope that things calm down between you so you can be civil and raise the family.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

[NOTE: Hesitated to post this due to its length. Didn't want to bore. Yet, it is an accurate view into the head of a transsexual. So -- for whatever it's worth -- here goes.]

Made an important discovery into my psyche this past week. Asked myself, "If I could wish for anything, what would I wish for?"

Money? A real nice car? Different job? Different wife? To fly like Superman? ...

I'd still be male -- in a nice car, nice job, to a different wife, etc. That being the case, those things don't appeal. Honestly, they don't. I'D STILL BE MALE. None of these changes to my situation would fix my life.

What would I wish for? To be female. Realized then: "I really don't want to cease to exist. And I really don't want to die. If I could just be female, I would want to live."

That being the case, transition makes sense. It seems nothing else can fix my life.

* * *

Had a tearful time this morning, trying to decide whether to dress femme today or just ambiguously. Why the emotion, you ask? Because in the past, venturing out femme was an experiment which didn't require scrutiny; figured, "If gender dysphoria is causing so much angst, see if being accepted as the other gender takes care of the problem."

Dressing today, however, was charting a course. I have experimented, and dressing femme does help. Realized if I simply dressed ambiguously today, it would be out of laziness.

So I dressed femme.

* * *

In my previous post, I talked about a justification for transitioning. Although I've had important reasons to transition (such as avoiding suicide and dysfunction), I wanted a positive reason. And that reason is to attempt to un-warp the damage cross-gendering has done. My female spirit has been socialized male and warped with testosterone. (No offense intended to the male reader. It's just that testosterone has an undeniably powerful effect on the mind, and females don't experience male dosages.)

For example, my relationship with my dad has been less than satisfactory. We get along fine, but there's an absence of emotion, maybe a distance emotionally. That is one relationship I wanted to improve.

One thing that's helpful: I understand the cause now (=cross-gendering). He has treated me as a son, and I've apparently had a different set of needs/expectations somewhere in my subconscious.

Well, after dinner with my parents this evening, I "hit a home run." Understand, I spent the afternoon at my parents doing laundry, dressed femme. This is the second time they've seen me this way. When it came time to go out for dinner, I switched to male mode. At dinner, we happened to talk about names. Told them I don't identify myself to them on the phone anymore since I don't like the 'B' name" (=bryan). When we parted, my dad said, "Let me give you a hug..." and then said in my ear, "I'll call you Terry from now on." I paused at my car, eyes watering, at the significance of it.

* * *

Been thinking about the two different approaches my wife and I have for dealing with these gender issues. Came up with an analogy: It's as though we had a table, from who knows where, that someone painted a long time ago. As the table showed more and more wear, bits of its history started to show through: old layers of paint, finally some wood. Finally, a big scratch meant something had to be done.

My wife's approach would be to apply a fresh coat of paint, maybe a different color this time. ("Learn how to be a better male. Discover the areas where you are deficient as a male and go through counseling to improve.")

My approach is to scrape off the old layers of paint, to see what sort of wood is underneath. (That is, discover who I truly am inside.)

WARNING: RAMBLING THOUGHTS AHEAD!

I think about this stuff ALL THE TIME! For instance, I wonder: "Castration made me feel like the person I was before puberty, and my grownup understanding classifies that feeling as female. Did I have less testosterone as a child than most boys? Was I just a low-T boy? That doesn't make me a female. But it makes me want to BE female. What is a female and what is a male anyway, once you get past the physical differences? And what kind of boy WANTS to be female? (Probably one who is a girl inside.) Is my gender identity dependent on hormones? If my maleness depended on T, yet I've renounced my association with T by being castrated, then what kind of a male was I in the first place? Sounds more like a female to me. What would happen if you took a female spirit, placed it in a boy's body, had everyone around think it was a boy, etc.? Maybe the female would have mysterious longings for female activities and friendship. Yet it wouldn't be very obvious because there'd be socialization pointing in the boy direction. And the female would have the boy parts as a constant reminder..."

These ponderings go on and on.

* * *

After all my big, bold talk about transition, would you believe I still look for a way out? I do. I still wonder, "Could I get by as a male?" What a short memory I have! All I have to do it look at my emotional crashes, suicidal thoughts, and tearful times to realize, "No! Male life is a dead end for me." But faced with the effort, difficulty, and uncertainties of transition, I still look for an easy way out.

(If my parents asked about my manner of dress today, I was going to say, "This is very hard. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to.")

Not only that, I STILL go through denial about my cross-gendering. In exasperation I wonder, "How is it possible for a female wind up in a male body?!" (Yes, I'm aware of the research into prenatal hormones.) How could I have been so clueless for so long? It just seems preposterous. YET(!), I'm faced with the reality of crumbling into dysfunction if I don't make plans to live as female someday.

The fact I still go through denial allows me to guess how I treated the issue in my younger days. No doubt I told myself, "You're a boy, not a girl. Boys don't have girls inside." It's not until I went through my personal crisis of 2004-2005 that I had to admit something was truly amiss. And even after what amounted to a nervous breakdown, I still go thru denial. How crazy is that?!

Terri. With an 'i'. Definitely. Today, at least.