Late onset (yet always there)

[Eunuch2be (imported)]

Terri,

Never, never be afraid to post a long posting. It has been enjoyable to read 2 new posts from you this past week. Your forum thread, is the main reason I check in so often, To see if you posted anything lately. Personally I had been kind of worried about you, in the passing months with out reading new posts from you. I can relate to many of the things that you write in regards to the transition. Hopefully soon I can begin my own journey as you have.

Love the new picture.

Timothy

aka Terry/Eunuch2be

[mrt (imported)]

I wanted to say congrats on your Dad being understanding and useing your new name.

BTW can't the sysops change your sign on to Terri???

Second guessing about such a serious change is natural I think. I think some of it is just the influence of others who don't understand this and are vocal about their ignorance. Its hard not to listen to some people because they "seem" smart or have some credentials in front of their name but the fact is they don't know because they don't have to deal with this issue. They only study it from afar. I guess there are still some people who think its a choice like opting to play football vs baseball. I think you know in your heart that this is not true. The difficulty getting to where your at proves this. *If you ask me.

Have the steps you've taken brought you to a better place? Again I think so, and since Orchiectomy was one of those steps (And such a serious one that most men would freak out at) its just more logs on the fire that are proof your going in the right direction.

I think that the "transition" stage

is probably the most difficult p

art of all this and why some people take so much longer to get to where they need to be.

Continuing to second guess is healthy because as you eliminate the questions there will be less and less self doubting. I found it helpfull to speak to a "shrink" about the whys and why nots of my Orchialgia and Orchiectomy surgery. I was able to put it all out there and say this is how I see this and have a "rational / expert" look at the package and say "that sounds right!"

Anyway it sounds like your doing good. Great to see you posting again!

- MrT

[Blaise (imported)]

Thank you. It is good to hear from you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

It's been a long time since my last post. How am I doing? Great!

It is as though being female has finally "clicked" with me. My attitude is so good that I signed up for a class at the local community college to improve job skills. Prior to this I've had zero professional ambition; simply struggled to survive emotionally. The only thing that makes the class feasible emotionally/psychologically is I'll be attending as a female. The day isn't far off when I'll be fulltime -- 6 months or less.

I'm comfortable and happy as a female in public, feeling as though I'm invisible or inconspicuous. When "male" (androgynous male), I'm uncomfortable and feel as though people are looking at me.

I've discovered by experience being female "works" for me. It's not something the rational mind can figure out or successfully argue with. If I ignore the GID, I slowly suffocate and look longingly at cemeteries. If I treat the GID by progressing toward transition, then I blossom and feel like a participant in life again.

So, what has happened over the last six months?

Still only part-time: androgynous male during the week, female on weekends. I pass fairly easily: face is androgynous. Add some eyeliner and lipstick, and face becomes feminine. Never had an awkward encounter while female. (Have even been told I'm "attractive.")

Took voice training. Voice is apparently good enough since I'm able to converse with strangers and they still accept me as female.

Social: Have gone roller skating a few times; even got some male attention one time. Occasional conversations with strangers at retail stores or fast-food places. Developing rapport with females at local store.

Family: Parents don't fuss when I show up at their house in female mode, but Mom doesn't want me dressed if we're going to a restaurant together. (Result? I don't go out with them as often since it is too hard emotionally.) Marriage is headed for divorce; we've been separated 2.5 years. Eight-year-old son now knows about my issues; spouse told him in June but left me in the dark about it for 3 months. She took unfair advantage and was able to put her spin on things.

Physical: Taking 6mg/day of estrogen orally. Breast development is pitiful (AA cup). Still haven't decided about surgery. Besides a plain penectomy and full GRS, there is a third option: GRS with a mere "vaginal pouch" instead of a full vagina. This option appeals for three reasons: cheaper than full GRS, maintenance-free (i.e., no dilation), and I won't be having sex with anyone anyway. All I need is something that will let me pass in locker rooms.

Emotional: I'm a conflicted person. My rational side would like to stay male and see the marriage survive. My true self, however, appears to be female. If I go with my rational side, it's as though my air supply gets cut off and I slowly suffocate. I become withdrawn, inhibited, resentful, moody, and alienated. If I accept myself as female, I'm able to breathe again. Life becomes bearable, even enjoyable. Relationships improve and I'm able to interact freely and comfortably in public.

Thanks for your interest,

Terri

[Danya (imported)]

Hi all,

It's been a long time since my last post. How am I doing? Great!

I am glad things are going well for you, Terri.

I'm comfortable and happy as a female in public, feeling as though I'm invisible or inconspicuous. When "male" (androgynous male), I'm uncomfortable and feel as though people are looking at me.

After I transitioned, there were a few times when I had to go out in 'male mode'. I hated it, expecially when I had to stand around waiting for someone to help me. I felt completely out of place and I did not want people to see me.

I've discovered by experience being female "works" for me. It's not something the rational mind can figure out or successfully argue with. If I ignore the GID, I slowly suffocate and look longingly at cemeteries. If I treat the GID by progressing toward transition, then I blossom and feel like a participant in life again.

Your experience mirrors my own. I had to let go of trying to figure out who I was and go with what felt right.

I wish you well as you work through your family situation and continue on your journey.

Hugs,

Danya

[tugon (imported)]

Terri thanks for updating us on your life. Please keep working towards your happiness. Since finding my happiness I am surprised how much more positively people respond to me and the better people I meet. Happiness is a wonderful state and you deserve it. I hope to see you soon at a MoM.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi Terri:

I'm so glad you posted I thought you were one of the people who just seem to evaporate from EA. Anyway, I'm really glad that your doing ok. Kudos on the new class. You are my hero for continuing your education. I wish I had the guts to do the same thing. Also congrats on the 6 month plan to go full time. For what its worth from everything you've said this seems like the "rational" plan to me. Have you had a chance to talk to a gender therapist? I think this is probably a good way to map out that real life experience / full time thing.

BTW Don't be too discouraged with breast growth. Hey there are guys who like smaller chested women (Don't tell Mrs T she is ahh... well stacked)

Hope to see you again at the next M.O.M.

- MrT

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Why is my avatar gone? Now that I'm on a solid path toward establishing a new identity as female in my local area, I don't want to ruin my chances by outing myself via this diary. (Maybe those new TV commercials warning youth about telling too much about themselves on the Internet are having an impact.)

Beyond that, life is good these days. Very few down days, and no emotional crashes to speak of. I'm thoroughly enjoying my

class at the local community college.

Some irony -- and a lesson learned. Friday, while in boy mode for work, a security guard maam'd me, even after speaking with me. Then Saturday, while in femme mode, I put in some time at the office. With my boss and a co-worker there, I felt there was a big elephant in the room which needed some discussion. Told them, "This is my weekend version." They didn't understand. So I said, "I'm female today." They go, "Huh? Whaddya mean?"

Yet, with the same outfit, I walked into a women's restroom and didn't get a second glance from the woman there.

Conclusion: It's like the "frog in a slowly-heated pot" example. The transition has been so gradual, people who know me as male haven't noticed. Yet I'm obviously passing as female in public.

Interesting.

That's all for now,

Terri

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you.

I can relate to your experience with people viewing you as either male or female no matter how you are dressed. This happened to me several times in the weeks before I transitioned to full-time life as a woman. It was very interesting.

Best wishes,

Danya

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I've been feeling a new sense of assurance/peace about my state as a cross-gendered person, and about undergoing transition. Why is that, you ask?

Readers of this diary know I have puzzled long and hard about how I came to be cross-gendered in 2004 -- without ever coming to a definitive answer. HOWEVER, only a week or two ago, I realized the answer came way back on July 14th, 2006.

As the diary entry for that day state

s (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=

57601&postcount=126), I approached the Lord in prayer (after some needling from spouse) and was trying to phrase a prayer about becoming male again

if it be His will. Before I could formulate the prayer, I sensed th

e Lord saying, "Are you not happy with how I made you (i.e., female inside)?" I immediately replied, "Oh, Lord, yes -- I like the way you made me!"

I recently recalled that exchange and was struck by it. Those words did not come from me -- I was working on a prayer, after all. The Lord definitely interrupted my train of thought. It was He who made me female... Hey, I'm a legit female!

So the answer to all my puzzling and bewilderment is this: God made me female inside in 2004.

From that truth, we can see:

- I became cross-gendered thru non-natural means. That would explain why my history doesn't match a typical TS until 2004.

- My present state is legitimate. That is, no corrective "healing" is called for. Rather, my present state is the RESULT of healing.

- God views me as a female/woman because THAT'S HOW ME MADE ME in 2004.

That's the truth to the best of my knowledge -- take it or leave it.

* * *

The logical question at this point is WHY did God make me female inside? Certainly, my spirit needed healing of some sort. I had perverted sexual appetites which I longed to be rid of. Christians point out we live in a fallen creation: disease, war, hunger, birth defects, etc. Why should any of us expect to be formed perfectly? We're aware that physical deformities happen all the time. Why should any of us expect our spirits to be formed perfectly? Maybe the basic composition I received at birth was a flawed mix of gender and personality traits that would lead to problems down the line.

Healing was definitely called for: I was struggling with icky sexual appetites long before 2004 with no way to escape them. I thought healing would come in the form of a purified [male] spirit. But Gods knows us better than we know ourselves. He saw that healing could come in the form of a female spirit.

It is true that healing has taken place. I sleep peacefully, no longer experiencing 3- to 5-day-long periodic waves of icky thoughts. If an icky thought comes to mind, it is easy to dismiss because no appetite remains.

* * *

I was spurred to write today's entry mainly as a reminder to myself. When I question whether transition is right for me, this entry will be here to remind and reassure me. Hope it encourages you, too, somehow.

Terri

P.S. -- Life for me is not static at the moment. Something big is in the works, but I don't want to say anything until possibilities become realities.

[crankshaft (imported)]

stumbled in late to the party,

Terri,

may your new beginning give you the happiness you have been searching for,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

In case you are wondering, I'm doing great these days! The "treatment" (i.e., transition) really works. Suicidal thoughts aren't a problem any longer. I'm content to go on living, and life is actually quite enjoyable.

Now -- if you recall -- my previous diary entry ended with a shrouded postscript about something big being in the works. Actually, three big things are in the works. Over the last month, I've:

1. Connected with a surgeon regarding GRS and will have clearance letters from two therapists very soon.

2. Broached the matter of going full-time at my job.

3. Filed for a legal name change.

What started all this? Two things. First, in early February, was feeling so assured in my new state [as a female] that I figured it was time to find a penectomy surgeon. Sent out some e-mails. Got a response the very next day with a GRS price as good as any penectomy price available. Second, my face and hair are making it difficult to pass in the men's room during the work week. I got a nasty double-take two weeks ago and having been tip-toeing around during trips to the restroom ever since. Although I'm nominally "male" at work, customer staff who don't know me regularly ma'am me. My androgynous appearance has shifted toward the feminine side to the point that I'm comfortable bringing my regular purse to work. (Previously, I used a lunch cooler as my work purse.)

The best part in all this is: when I'm in female mode, I'm able to blend in without any problem. Both appearance and voice are passable, so I fit right in as a woman. Conversations with strangers -- rather than being intimidating -- are enjoyable, and I've started getting to know some people who may turn into friends eventually.

Going back to the diary entry for Sept. 14, 2006

(http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/sh

owpost.php?p=

61434&postcount=204), I wrote:

Transition is like a long journey. Do I know the complete route yet? No. Just taking baby steps. But as each milestone appears, the rest of the route will become clearer. Nor is there only one way to the destination. I'm hoping for one of those stealthy transitions where changes to my body finally "out" me, at which point the switch to female-mode will be quick and actually greeted with some warmth by others -- along the lines of, "Why has this female been dressing in men's clothes?" That is, after the female body and personna bloom, then feminine apparel/adornment can come. I want the awkward inbetween stage to be as

short and painless as possible. I can dream, right?

Well -- that time has come. I'm not going to continue tip-toeing around the men's room. However, it hasn't worked quite the way I expected. When people know you as one gender, it is difficult for them to see the new gender. Co-workers haven't noticed the feminizing, as such; they just see a male with long hair. But strangers perceive the workday me as female.

(In case you are wondering: Regarding surgery, I'm opting for minimal-depth GRS. Having ruled out romantic relationships, I don't want the temptation of being fully-functional "down there". Plus, it avoids the need to dilate. Mainly just want to be passable in locker rooms in order to go swimming someday. However, an embarrassed smile/smirk appears on my face when I catch myself thinking about men in romantic/intimate ways. It's amusing to say the least. Tee-hee.)

Any reflections on gender these days? Only this: Being in the wrong body is like being in prison. Looking in the mirror is painful/hurtful and you just want to escape any way you can. Conforming the body to the brain, on the other hand, is like getting early parole. Previously, I was gritting my teeth until death could bring relief. Now, life has returned to normal and I'm not looking longingly at cemeteries.

Thanks for your interest and encouragement,

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

It is nice to hear from you, Terri. --FLO--

[JesusA]

It's great to hear about your progress. It sounds as if you are doing well. Any chance that you'll make it to the August MoM so that we can all hug you again?I'd certainly like to see the real you.

[Visionary (imported)]

Having spent the past two days reading ever last line of this thread, I now feel as If I've known you for a long time. I'm glad to hear that everything is starting to become brighter for you and that you are starting to see the light at the end of that tunnel. I hope you all the best, and wish you all the happiness in the world.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Things are going very well, and I'm doing great emotionally. Just want to give a short update.

I've gone thru a legal name change and have also changed the gender marker on my driver's license to 'Female'. This is a HUGE step! It means my transition is now 'official' and in the public arena. Any future employment will be sought as a female. Have been sending out lots of name-change notifications to businesses, utilities, etc. Rewinding the transition at this point would involve a lot of effort.

Speaking of the name change: It is so pleasant to see my name and like it instead of being distressed at it.

As for seeing 'Female' on my driver's license: It really didn't hit me until right before bed on the day of the name change. That's when I stared at the license -- photo, name, gender marker -- and was overcome with all sorts of good, peaceful emotions and started sobbing. Mostly, I felt extreme relief that something I've desired ALL MY LIFE had come to pass.

It appears I have no problem passing. Social life as a female continues to grow.

Still not in female mode at work; my boss hasn't been too cooperative. However, that doesn't stop people like security guards from perceiving me as female on the job. In fact, when I came out to a new employee in our small office, he confessed he had been having trouble keeping my gender straight. That is, he was having to catch himself from referring to me as 'she.'

Since my boss has been dragging his feet about me going full-time, I've begun looking for work elsewhere (as a female). I'm happy and somewhat relieved with the thought of making a clean break instead of presenting female to customers who have known me as male. However, it will mean spending some money on nice career-woman clothes. Been getting acquainted with office fashion in the meantime.

Speaking of clothes: My closet is getting lower and lower on male clothing. When I got rid of my male jackets/suits a few months ago, it was a major step indicating that future employment searches would be as a female.

You know what? Transition is really working for me. In the last week, I have felt my old confidence returning, the feeling that I'm worthwhile/competent and can succeed at a new job. I'm so grateful for the opportunities we girls have now which we didn't have, say, in the 1970's.

Thanks for your interest,

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I know I've already said this to in person, but I wanted to be the first on EA to say CONGRATULATIONS!

I'm so proud of you for taking this big step in your life and I know how good you must feel for doing it. Like me, you now have a second birthday to celebrate. June 10th, the official coming out of of Terri Breanne.

I'm so happy for you and wish you continuing success in your transition.

[mrt (imported)]

I'm so happy for you and relieved that you've passed that step or stage where being "you" is not only natural and right but feeling normal.

A new job sounds like a nice clean break from the old you.

One thing I would suggest is this (And sorry this is i know, very personal) but why limit yourself with your GRS surgery? Whats wrong with leaving your options open? I know that having a relationship is not the reason your doing this but why make it more difficult "if" you decide to have one later? It doesn't mean you have to use your new ahh "equipment." I mean if the right person comes along? Why not???

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hello Terri! It is very nice to hear from you again. I am glad things are going so well. --FLO--

[Taylor (imported)]

I second Mr. T's advice.

You never know what the future may hold so you should go all the way at the time of the surgery. So you have to dialate a couple of times a day at first but after awhile it is only once or twice. It would be better than having to readdress the issue and having to go through future surgeries.

Anyway, congrats on the transition.

T.

[Hairless (imported)]

I third Mr.T. I know I had my scrotum removed and now regret it, but only for SRS/GRS. I have enjoyed not having it, but if I decide to progress to womanhood, it will cost more and be more evasive. If I go the whole way, I want a functional vagina, even if I can't find someone to love me that way. I think it's part of who we are.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Saying it in my language.. You, Erica Ann, Danya... The three of you have more courage then I ever thought of.. I so admire you that you can reach out and do what you heart really says.. I so admire you that you can make this transition from Male to Female.. Congratulations....Hugs. I am proud of you three.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Saying it in my language.. You, Erica Ann, Danya... The three of you have more courage then I ever thought of.. I so admire you that you can reach out and do what you heart really says.. I so admire you that you can make this transition from Male to Female.. Congratulations....Hugs. I am proud of you three.

Hi OneBallBoi,

Thank you for the lovely compliment. Knowing you makes me appreciate your encouragement even more. You are truly a wonderful and understanding person.

Looking forward to seeing you again

in August.

Hugs,

[EricaAnn (imported)]

I'm so happy for you and relieved that you've passed that step or stage where being "you" is not only natural and right but feeling normal.

A new job sounds like a nice clean break from the old you.

One thing I would suggest is this (And sorry this is i know, very personal) but why limit yourself with your GRS surgery? Whats wrong with leaving your options open? I know that having a relationship is not the reason your doing this but why make it more difficult "if" you decide to have one later? It doesn't mean you have to use your new ahh "equipment." I mean if the right person comes along? Why not???

Terri,

I'm with Mr. T and all of the others on this point. I know I've mentioned this to you in person and I really think that you should give the dilation issue some more thought.

In my own opinion, if you're going to go through the expense and the pain of GRS you might as well follow through with a regular dilation schedule.

Take my word on this matter, it can be a bit of a hassle at first

, but it does get easier as time goes

by and will quickly become a part of your daily routine, just like doing your hair or makeup.

You never know what the future might hold. Think about it Sweetie.

[tugon (imported)]

Terri I am so happy for you. I know how long you have struggled and I am glad you are reaching your goals. I wish you much happiness as you become your true self.