Late onset (yet always there)

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I was so happy when I got my new driver license showing not only my new legal name but also 'F' for female. So I definitely relate on that.

You've come a long way and I am happy for you.

Best wishes,

Danya

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Today on Terri's Diary we are serving up a big steaming plate of DIVORCE!

When spouse got wind of my name and gender change, she called to say, "That's it. I'm filing for divorce." I wonder why she waited so long. It's not like the GID showed any signs of going away.

Received the proposed "Marital Settlement Agreement" from her lawyer on Tuesday. While reading it, felt like spouse was trying to destroy me. Felt like I was BEING FITTED FOR A DOG COLLAR! Here are the basics:

- Bank Accounts: Roughly a 75/25 split in her favor.

- Income: Alimony and child support together are half my current net paycheck, and alimony is set to rise 5% annually. These monies are to be paid thru a state agency, not directly, SO WE HAVE A PERMANENT GOVERNMENT OVERSEER BETWEEN US! If I'm ever unemployed, take a lower paying job, or have financial hardship, I'll have to take it up with a GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY, not ex-spouse.

- Custody/visitation: Spouse gets sole custody. The only "visitation" I get is being able to send e-mail and postal mail. No phone calls, no visits. AND GET THIS: IF SPOUSE DIES, I STILL DON'T GET CUSTODY. Spouse's sister and her husband get custody or some future-though-currently-nonexistent stepfather gets custody.

- Life Insurance: The agreement required me to get $200,000 worth of life insurance. However, I'm uninsurable "due to diagnosis of GID in 2004," so that requirement has been removed. (I've been turned down for life insurance at work by two different carriers. Life insurance underwriters are obviously aware of the suicide risk associated with GID.)

WHAT WAS MY RESPONSE TO ALL THIS? First, asked my boss for Wednesday off so I could find a lawyer and "process" this whole thing mentally and emotionally...

ON WEDNESDAY, had a short time in prayer and realized I am simply incapable of fighting. My actual preference on Wednesday was to die; then spouse and child would get $200,000 from a policy my dad took out years ago and both our families would take comfort knowing there's been an end to this whole tragic affair. But since death isn't an option, the next closest thing is to "roll over and die": just agree to everything without a fight. Like I said, I'm incapable of fighting. I don't have fight/anger in me (see first post in this thread: "wouldn't want to hurt a flea"). Also, my emotions are too fragile. But, too, Jesus' words about turning the other cheek come to mind. So I filled out the paperwork, agreeing to everything. Realized I don't have what it takes emotionally to hire a lawyer and become an adversary to my spouse. (Other Scripture coming to mind on Wednesday: "Bless those who persecute you... In doing so, you will heap burning coals on their head.")

Another reason I'm not fighting: Spoke with my son over the phone and his wishes are in line with divorce agreement. He doesn't want phone calls or visits. And he would want to live with auntie in the event spouse died.

So -- I'm not happy about the whole thing but I do have peace. Any responsibility will be spouse's. Someday she may regret what she has done regarding custody arrangements.

How am I feeling? (1) Reasonably good, (2) stable emotionally, and (3) I just have to avoid thinking about my son or (1) and (2) evaporate.

Life goes on,

Terri

P.S. -- Interestingly, lately I've been I'm wondering if I can avoid GRS. It's a huge expense and there doesn't seem to be too much need for it. So what if locker rooms present a problem such that I can't go swimming? I can live without swimming. I won't be in any romantic relationships, so who cares what sort of genitals are in my pants? Certainly I am ever-so-glad for castration in 2005; if I still had testicles, there'd be more dysphoria.

GID tends to go in waves, and I may be in a lull right now. Or maybe this is in response to the pending divorce. Or maybe -- just maybe -- I've hit my comfort point with regard to GID. It helps not seeing my male name anymore. Seeing "female" on my driver's license is a big psychological relief. Being accepted as a female socially is the main thing for me.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

After reading your post, I was left absolutely speechless and quite dumbfounded. There is a big difference between being incapable of fighting and agreeing to a fair and just settlement for both parties. That's why we have lawyers. We hire them to fight for us so that we don't have to do it.

Your soon to be former spouse has taken advantage of you with this settlement. This whole divorce matter was brought on by her inability to open up her heart and accept you for the person that you really are and always have been. So much for her practicing her so called "Christian beliefs" and yet by agreeing to the terms of this very one sided agreement for have once again allowed her problem to become yours.

Based on the financial terms you have agreed to and your statement regarding your thoughts on the GRS, it would appear that you have sacrificed all your dreams, wants and desires in your life, because you did not have it within you to stand up for yourself and what was right for you.

I hate to say it, but I'm very disappointed that you signed off on such an unfair agreement and gave away your own future and happiness. :realpisse

[Hairless (imported)]

I have to agree with Erica. Just because you have GID, doesn't mean you're OK to be raped. The wife's lawyer always goes for the juggler. That doesn't mean you give in. That's just their first, unreasonable, stand. Please get an attorney and work up a counter offer. Giving up your kids should not be an option, not to mention the unreasonable financial arrangements. Please get some legal help with this. Being a Christian doesn't mean you just lay down and take it. It's all about being fair and what's being proposed, is not fair.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

It is good to get an update from you. I am glad to hear that you are feeling good even with everything that has happened.

I'm going to agree with the others in that I believe the agreement is unfair and you are being taken advantage of. I doubt very much your spouse and her attorney believed you would actually accept it. Chances are it was a starting point to get negotiations rolling. Also, you might want to consider whether what you heard on the phone is truly what your son wants or what your spouse is telling him he wants.

However, you do mention that you are at peace after accepting it, and if that is true, then I am happy for you. It certainly is not my position to make you give something up that brings you peace. Although ideally the goal would be for you to be happy with the arrangements, peace can sometimes be worth more than happiness.

*Hugs* I hope all continues to go well for you. I do enjoy reading your updates.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Sorry it's been so long since the last update. Not only was I WAY TOO busy at times, also didn't want to give you the same short-term ups and downs as in previous posts. Thanksgiving Day provides a well-needed break and an opportunity to reflect.

Why so busy? Not only was I taking two classes at night, but had to put in some overtime at work. (Ended up having to drop a class to retain sanity.)

Speaking of work, I'm essentially "full-time" now. Our main clients have been informed about my transition and they have been accepting. Restroom use was the main sticking point, and each has indicated specific restrooms I can use while on site.

The need for going full-time kind of snuck up on me. Found myself getting challenged in the men's room more often. Then it occurred to me: the men on my floor at work had simply gotten used to me, but new men were perceiving me as female. So until I could go full-time, I altered my gender presentation a little more toward the feminine side and started using the ladies' room (without challenge), though I was still "male" in my boss's eye.

One incident around this time in the men's room was particularly amusing. A visitor thought he was in the wrong restroom, so I had to reassure him he was in the right place. After telling him he was in the right place, I thought it odd that he stood a distance away and turned his back as labored at tucking in his shirt. Only later did I realize my faux pas: though I told him he was in the right place, I neglected to tell him I was male! (He must have thought, "What a brazen female -- using the men's room without apology!")

* * *

Would you believe it? I STILL question transition, wondering, "Could I get by as a male?" But I'm probably like the depressive patient who feels so good on medication, they think they can stop taking it.

What about plans for GRS? Currently I'm feeling like further surgery is unnecessary. Although I had connected with a surgeon back in March and had therapist letters in the works, the divorce somehow "cauterized" me emotionally. (It also made me substantially poorer.) At the same time, I have found ways to "feminize" Mr. Penis so I'm not as bothered by him. Let's just say I'm past the danger of "self-mutilation" and am merely in the self-abuse category. Another thing is I've reduced my expectations out of life. So if I won't ever be suitable for a locker room or weekend retreats with either sex, that's okay.

* * *

Found an incredibly-insightful quote by Hilary Swank. As you recall, she starred in the true-but-tragic movie about a murdered FtM entitled, "Boys Don't Cry." To get into character, she spent four weeks living as a male prior to shooting. How'd it go? A pretty authentic taste of trans life, I'd say, for this is what she said afterward:

If you don't fit into a black-or-white definition of boy or girl, you slip between the cracks and it's a lonely place. People don't want to have anything to do with you, and it put me in a state of real hopelessness. I cried a lot for days. -- Hilary Swank

Wow. She really experienced what it's like.

Anyway, think I have a better idea of why depression faced me each time I considered staying male: loneliness. There really is a huge difference psychologically/emotionally between the sexes, and being stuck in the wrong group is devastating. Didn't see this so clearly until after reading the delightful book, "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. Although the author is a professor steeped in academia, this book is written for the layperson and makes a wonderful read. Her book is a groundbreaking work akin to John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," but Tannen's work precedes Gray's by two years (1990 vs. 1992). Tannen's book is about more than just conversation -- she points out that boys and girls grow up in essentially different worlds. The male world emphasizes status and independence. The female world values interconnectedness and similarity. Tannen's conclusion from all this as a sociolinguist is that men and women conversing together is a cross-cultural experience.

The point of all this? If you are a female in male skin, you find yourself lumped into the wrong social class. The things you value (relationship and cooperation) are not the things valued by your peers. Instead, they value establishing status at the expense of relationship. (I'm probably not expressing it well. But read Tannen's book and you'll be convinced! )

So when I think about choices about transition and gender presentation, I think about social class or "the available pool for friends." Your outward gender automatically puts you into one of two social groups. Envisioning future life as a male depressed me because I was cut off from the social group I identify with (i.e., females).

There was a session at a TS support group where loneliness was the prime topic. One attendee told how she spent a wonderful, satisfying time at the beach. It consisted simply of conversing with a natal female for an afternoon -- "girl talk" in other words. Such a small thing, you think, but it meant so much to her.

Considering my biggest gripe with transition is that it takes longer to get ready in the morning, I think transition is right for me. Sure, relationships were blown up as well, but it wasn't transition which clobbered the relationships. It was insisting that I was female inside.

* * *

Speaking of relationships: How are things with my parents? I'm a "back-door" child at this point. Although I can show up dressed at my parents' house, we don't go to restaurants together anymore. As for deaths and funerals, I'm not told about a death until after the funeral, lest I show up.

Things could definitely be worse. Although GID is a nasty disorder to have, the "medicine" that transition provides is working as I rebuild my life. I rarely if ever think about suicide these days. The emotional meltdowns I suffered from are history for the most part.

Thanks for your interest,

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Terri,

I am sorry to hear that you got such a poor deal from your spouse. You deserved better than that. However, it is good to hear that you are progressing as well as you are.

best wishes

[Eunuch2be (imported)]

Terri,

Thank you so much for the update. I have wondered over the past months how you have been doing. I totally enjoy reading your entries about the things of life in regards to your transition. You and Dayna are both an blessing to me. Giving me the added encouragement to continue down the pathway first to becoming a eunuch, then full transition and GRS.

Eunuch2be

aka Terri Lynn

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Terri, it is wonderful to hear from you again! --FLO--

[tugon (imported)]

Terri it is great to hear from you. I was pleased to read that the darkest of days seem to be over. Sounds like you are doing well.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I am very glad to hear that your transition is going so well.

It sounds like other things are going well for you, too, despite having less money and going through a difficult divorce.

I hope that if you are feeling depressed now or in the future, you will seek medical help and talk with a therapist. I am concerned when you write 'you don't think about suicide as often.' You do still think about it from time to time.

I have suffered from major depression most of my life, so I know how difficult it can make living. Please take care of yourself.

I wish you the best as you continue on your journey.

Hugs,

Danya

[Mac (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Sorry it's been so long since the last update. Not only was I WAY TOO busy at times, also didn't want to give you the same short-term ups and downs as in previous posts................

Terri

Terri,

Please give us another update on your progress.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Happy to oblige, Mac.

I've been thinking more about identity. Seems like there is a blind spot in our culture regarding gender and I want to "think outside the box" -- think outside the concepts available to our culture.

First, I have to acknowledge that my transsexualism was brought about hormonally as a result of castration (see my previous post). So these thoughts do not apply to those who were transsexual from birth.

Next, consider the case of cattle. (Fellow transsexuals, please don't take offense from the following ruminations.) Imagine a young bull who has been castrated. If his gender identity has been severely impacted, he may think, "I'm a cow trapped in the body of a bull." However, he's wrong on two counts: he's neither a cow nor a bull -- he's a steer. And I'm a eunuch, something our culture has no understanding of (but something EA sheds much light on, thankfully).

Bear with me a little further. Suppose the steer/eunuch now feels more fluid in gender and wants to adopt some feminine qualities. For the sake of argument, let's assume the eunuch's gender identity is split down the middle. So there'd be nothing wrong if the eunuch felt more comfortable eliminating beard shadow, wearing women's underwear, or possessing long hair...

But as soon as the eunuch does such things, bystanders will observe, "Oh, you want to be a female." As soon as the gender boundary is trespassed in any aspect, bipolar thinking assumes you must be headed all the way into the other camp. And our current philosophy for transsexualism is in agreement. Our culture simply doesn't offer any other paradigm to third-gender folks.

An interesting paper (http://web.archive.org/web/200606190026 ... /anth.html) found at AndrogyneOnline (http://androgyne.0catch.com/links.htm#primary)* looks at third-gender people in four different cultures. As the article states, third-gender people have been deified, ostracized, and medicalized. The current Western approach toward third-gender people is to medically pigeonhole us back into the mainstream two-gender culture.

(*Sorry if the presence of two links above is confusing. The paper is one link, and AndrogyneOnline is interesting enough to warrant its own link.)

That doesn't mean we aren't really third-gender people at heart. It's just this culture's way of dealing with us.

Two summers ago, I experimented with being androgynous vs. female. Things didn't go well for androgyny. When gender was ambiguous, I felt like a second-class citizen or a non-entity. Strangers didn't always know how to act toward me and I, in turn, didn't know how to react. I was extremely shy and retreating.

Going out as female, I had more confidence as a person and relations with strangers went fine.

So I have intentionally shifted my presentation from ambiguous to feminine in order to find a place in our culture. As things stand with my feminine-looking face, if I were to go androgynous, most people would see me as a woman who doesn't take care of herself. The rest would see me as a weird male. Neither preception is desirable.

But if our culture offered the option of "third gender," there would be a place for people like me.

I've accepted the fact I will never truly be a woman. Although

I have a feminine personality,

my history and reproductive experience is that of a male. Since I don't like to lie, I don't expect to have many close friends.....(Ohhh, that's depressing. Bummer...)

(Hmmm.... gears are churning in Terri's head and a smile slowly forms...)

You know what?! Sometimes you just have to throw the past away. After all, I don't want to tell future close friends about my ugly divorce or even the fact I was married to a female.

Reminds me of a time at a restaurant two years ago when my parents asked the waitress for suggestions of jewelry I should get my spouse for Christmas. I was really offended, though I didn't immediately understand why. Later realized I was ashamed to be identified as a husband, and insulted by the implication I didn't have taste when it came to jewelry. My feminine insides bristled at both.

* * *

Regarding the hormonal cause of my transsexualism: It's interesting to think that my gender identity would probably shift back to the male side if I took testosterone. I've thought (ever so briefly) about the possiblity of trying testosterone and rejected it on two counts:

1. Whatever caused the "Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift" meant I was done with testosterone. It had become a poison with its own set of problems.

2. People warn in fretful tones about how GRS is "irreversible." Hah! That's nothing. What I fear even more are irreversible effects due to testosterone, such as the loss of a few more scalp hairs or increased body hair. Shows where my sentiment lies, doesn't it?

* * *

Changing the subject, relations with my parents and siblings are better than I realized. The rejection (and dejection) we face as transsexuals caused me to wrongly project coolness on their behalf. Had a good time with family members Christmas Eve -- in female presentation -- and felt acceptance and warmth.

To be accurate, however, I should point out that "female presentation" in my case is "female enough to use the ladies' room comfortably" but not much more. Family still sees me as male but outsiders see me as female.

And that is sufficient since I'm looking upon

myself nowadays as a feminine e

unuch rather than a "woman trapped in a man's body." My identity isn't at stake anymore. For instance, I don't correct people at work if they refer to me as "he" because, in truth, I'm both a he and a she. I like "she" more, but "he" works, too.

Finally, if it's not already clear from

everything above: I'm doing very w

ell emotionally. I'm at peace, and living isn't a big struggle anymore.

Thanks for your interest,

Terri

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Terri,

It was terrific to finally have a chance to meet you when we both had Christmas dinner with Erica Ann and her family. You seemed very much at peace with yourself and happy to be exactly where you are in your journey. I have no problem with the concept of third gender. At the University of Minnesota, where I first started gender therapy, this isn't an issue either. No one can tell us who we really are. That's entirely up to us and it sounds like you've found that happy place not many reach, transgender or not. You have discovered who you are and that brings you peace and happiness. I am very happy for you.

Hugs,

Danya

[Mac (imported)]

Hi everyone,

...................

To be accurate, however, I should point out that "female presentation" in my case is "female enough to use the ladies' room comfortably" but not much more. ...............

Terri

Would be nice if I was able to pass to that extent. The public men's rooms frequently have only one stall while the women's rooms have several stalls. That can be a real problem when you do not use the urinal and only sit to pee. Would also be more convenient if I was able to go in with my wife.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Making an update since today has been a relaxing holiday.

...

The public men's rooms frequently have only one stall while the women's rooms have several stalls.

Hi Mac,

Not only that, the seat of that one stall in the men's room probably has some pee on it. Speaking as a "shy pisser" who's had to spend many a time cleaning the seat beforehand, it is such a pleasure now in the ladies' room where wet seats are rarely a problem.

And you know what else? THEY HAVE COUCHES IN THERE! And silk flowers, and hand lotion, and decorations. They are CIVILIZED!

Before I realized my gender had shifted, I was at a major league ball park (as part of a family outing). As we went up the ramps to our section, we walked past the men's room. You could already smell it, if I recall correctly. I told myself, "I am NOT going in THERE under any circumstances!" So I didn't eat or drink anything that afternoon.

* * *

My previous post offered personal reasons for not taking testosterone to ameliorate my GID. I failed to mention one of the biggest reasons: when libido rises, I end up wanting to break Mr. Penis. He had a rough time last night, sorry to say. This had never been an issue until Nov 2004 (five months prior to castration) -- when I started strangling it. Consequently, I need to keep libido low. I envy fellow transsexuals who say hormones have caused their members to stop working. I'm at full dosage but mine still works. (Must have good genes or something.)

In any case, my thinking is probably flawed if I think GID could remit via testosterone. Anne Vitale has an interesting article about "testosterone toxicity" in MtF transsexuals. (http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm) She provides examples of MtF's who tried going back to testosterone. The result was increased gender dysphoria. One said:

"That's the third time I've taken testosterone and every time I've had overwhelming desires to present myself as a female."

Something inside me changed in Oct-Nov 2004 which made testosterone (and libido) a poison.

Interesting how life goes sometimes,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Today is somewhat special: it's the one-year anniversary of changing my name and getting a female driver's license. Hooray.

Reflecting on my transition, I see that I'm not aiming for full integration into female society. Rather, I've reached a "good enough" state where I pass as female for public purposes, and that suffices.

How do I characterize myself as this point? Good question. The philosophy behind transsexual treatment says, "You are one or the other. If you're not happy as a man, become a woman." But I've stalled [comfortably] in my transition before reaching full womanhood:

- Comfortable shaving every other day since most of the remaining hairs are white anyway.

- Thinking of other things I can do with the money saved for GRS.

- Not bothering to correct boss and co-workers when they refer to me by male pronouns.

Suppose I'm best characterized as a feminine eunuch... which brings me to the main reason for writing today. Seems like Western culture has lost the knowledge of what eunuchs are really like. Gender issues have really bothered me and I've done oodles of searches on Google about traditional eunuchs and came away with very little information.

We could attribute the lack of information to the fact that it's the winners who write history, and eunuchs were not the winners.

In high school, if someone had asked me what a eunuch was like, I would have said, "They are tall with a high voice," NEVER CONSIDERING AT ALL what their personality was like, whether they were androgynous or feminine in any way. NEVER OCCURRED TO ME! Apparently didn't occur to the scholars writing the textbooks either.

Anyway... (going out on a limb here)... if society offered the option of being a eunuch, I believe that would address many TG/TS needs. Folks with GID, like myself, are uncomfortable in our birth gender, but there's only one other gender to choose in Western culture. Hence, a TG boy will pray to become a girl. What if being a gender-variant eunuch were a culturally-acceptable option? Would that meet most of the needs? What about FtM transsexuals in such a culture -- would they be sufficiently happy becoming gender-variant "eunuchs", starting from the female side?

I may be off-base with the thinking above, but one thing I'm convinced of: Western culture doesn't have a clue what a eunuch is really like. They think of eunuchs as simply "Men without Testicles," never considering these two factors:

What factors in the person's psyche led him to agree to becoming a eunuch in the first place?

What effect does the lack of testosterone have on a person?

Try it yourself: picture in your mind a eunuch in charge of a harem in Arab lands. What does he look like? Is he big? Strong? Muscular? Doesn't sound like the eunuchs I know. Where do we get these images?

In the face of not finding historical information about eunuchs on the internet, I've turned to looking for images. I figured maybe an insightful artist from a time period having eunuchs would paint one realistically. The search wasn't fruitful. There are two historical eunuchs who show up all over the place, always the same image of each:

a Chinese eunuch showing full nullification

a fellow in a flowing gown and mighty tall hat, entitled "Habit of a white eunuch in 1749."

(Aside: I don't know about the second guy above... did castration make YOU want to wear absolutely outrageous hats?) Then there's the Ethiopian eunuch whom Philip baptized in the Bible (Acts, Chapter 8). Most portrayals of the Ethiopian eunuch show him with a beard. WHAT ARE THESE ARTISTS THINKING?!!! Post-pubertal eunuchs of our time may be able to sport beards, but not historical eunuchs.

NOT ONLY THAT... As useful as the Eunuch Archive is for instructing us about real-life eunuchs, there's a filtering process in place which has skewed the results. Feminine candidates for eunuchhood identify as transgender or transsexual and are removed from the "eunuch" pool. Masculine or androgynous-leaning candidates for eunuchhood identify simply as males or eunuchs and are the ones remaining in the eunuch pool who can tell us what eunuchs are really like. So even here at EA, our views of eunuchs are skewed toward the male side.

So we simply don't know what the eunuchs of old were like. Historians may describe some of the physical characteristics of eunuchs or tell us scandalous sexual things, but we are met with silence when it comes to what eunuchs were like as people. Were they "one of the boys"? Or more like "one of the girls"? Or did it depend on the individual?

* * *

How am I doing, you ask? Doing very well emotionally. Still taking estrogen, but at a reduced dosage (4mg/day) since I'm feeling more like a "post-op" these days. (Realized boobies weren't getting any bigger, so only using estrogen for mental/emotional benefits now.) Feeling accepted well enough at work in my female state. I'll be a successful poster boy/girl for bilateral orchiectomies yet!

Terri, a feminine eunuch

[JesusA]

Hello Terri,

I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well in your quest to discover yourself. One of the major goals that ALL humans ought to have is to discover who and what we truly are, and then to become that person as best possible. You are further down that route than most people ever get.

That you still have many questions is not surprising. The more we learn, the wider the boundaries which we can question. Your post asks more than I can answer in a simple post, but I will try to provide a bit of information that I have found.

When I refer to publications, you can find the full citation (if you want to read the original) in the Bibliography (

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=

17583), which is posted on the Nonfiction Board.

Not yet in the bibliography, is any reference to Bernie Goldstein, who taught the first university level course on human sexuality west of the Rockies and who taught the only course on human sexuality that I have ever taken. Bernie, as a biologist interested in the development of sexuality across mammalian species, has identified 21 independent dimensions of sex and gender in humans. If there were only two points on each of the dimensions, that would mean that there are two-to-the-twenty-first-power DIFFERENT combinations of human sex and gender. Most of the dimensions have more than two points, making the number of possibilities far greater. In a capacity-crowd football stadium, there's no reason to suppose that any two individuals share exactly the same combination of sex and gender. Yet, most people want to cram us all into only two pigeonholes.

Western cultures are gradually moving beyond such narrow ideas and there is greater awareness and acceptance of the very real variation that is to be found. The medical professionals and sex therapists and counselors are beginning to catch up with the reality that is unfolding. The group of which I am a part has been pushing for greater recognition of "eunuch" as among the gender alternatives. We are working with others who focus on different parts of the field.

The article by Dick Swaab (2007), while aimed at medical professionals, is a clear statement of how the body and the mind may each be outside the male-female dichotomy and how they can be out of synch with each other. Johnson & Wassersug (2010) take the very solid data provided by Swaab and by Cohen-Kettenis & Pfäfflin (2010) to argue that about a quarter of those natal males who are diagnosed as Male-to-Female and obtain castration as a first step toward transition might better be described as Male-to-Not-Male or as Male-to-Eunuch, as their ideal end gender is not female.

There is much more in various stages of preparation and/or publication that I expect to be adding to the Bibliography as it becomes available. I know several researchers who are working in the field and there are some exciting things in the works.

While there are not as many good illustrations of eunuchs and castrati as one might hope for, there are far more available than just the young Chinese eunuch, who sometimes appears on the front page of the Archive and one of the Ottoman eunuchs in full court regalia. For the Russian and Romanian Skoptsy, there are some good photographs in the books by Engelstein (1999) and Pittard (1934). Some are occupational photos showing taxi drivers, photographers, farmers, etc. For the historic castrati, there are a number of excellent paintings available. My favorite is "The Musicians" by Caravaggio (ca. 1595), where the lute player in the center of the painting is the young Spanish castrato Pietro Montoya.

Caravaggio's painting shows up as the cover illustration of Roger Freitas' book "Portrait of a Castrato: Politics, Patronage, and Music in the Life of Atto Melani" (2009). Melani, and at least three of his brothers (out of seven boys) were each castrated before age ten to preserve their voices. He went on to become a highly successful diplomat, and through his efforts the children of his intact brother were raised from lower class status to the Tuscan nobility. The book is far too expensive ($100), but should be available through your local library (by interlibrary loan, if they don't own it). It is an excellent study of a successful eunuch.

There are many other sources I could write about, but this should give you enough of an idea that there is plenty of material available and a lot more that is somewhere in the works as so many of us are striving to explode the myth of the gender binary....

.

[gareth19 (imported)]

Caravaggio's painting shows up as the cover illustration of Roger Freitas' book "Portrait of a Castrato: Politics, Patronage, and Music in the Life of Atto Melani" (2009). Melani, and at least three of his brothers (out of seven boys) were each castrated before age ten to preserve their voices. He went on to become a highly successful diplomat, and through his efforts the children of his intact brother were raised from lower class status to the Tuscan nobility. The book is far too expensive ($100), but should be available through your local library (by interlibrary loan, if they don't own it). It is an excellent study of a successful eunuch.

You can order it from abebooks.com for about $75.00.

[transward (imported)]

The best information I know about historical eunuchs, is in the footnotes to Sir Richard Francis Burton's Arabian Nights, and his Terminal Essay in the last volume. Also in the footnotes to the Kama Sutra and the Perfumed Garden [which has instruction for eunuch on pleasing men] all of which he translated. They were written around 1885 and are hugely politically incorrect by todays standards. (He makes conclusions about the racial makeup of the Egyptian people vs Black Africans vs Arabs [which are largely correct] by comparing the size of their respective penises) The books are in the public domain and I believe they can be downloaded free from Project Gutenberg http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/3435.

Transward

[Danya (imported)]

How am I doing, you ask? Doing very well emotionally. Still taking estrogen, but at a reduced dosage (4mg/day) since I'm feeling more like a "post-op" these days. (Realized boobies weren't getting any bigger, so only using estrogen for mental/emotional benefits now.) Feeling accepted well enough at work in my female state. I'll be a successful poster boy/girl for bilateral orchiectomies yet!

Terri, a feminine eunuch

It was great meeting you in December. Back then, I was impressed by how well you knew yourself. I'm glad things are going so well for you now.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Jesus (EA's Jesus),

Thank you for your kindness in the outpouring of resources! I'm particularly taken by Richard Wassersug's writings, like this one (http://jco.ascopubs.org/cgi/content/full/27/4/634) and the linked article at the bottom of Wassersug's "coming out" story (http://www.psa-rising.com/upfront/Richard_Wassersug.htm).

Thanks again,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Dear Diary,

Think I received a key insight into my gender issues yesterday. It came after a 2-3 week stretch of reduced cross-gender feelings in which I:

Cut six inches off my hair. (Was getting tired of long-hair care/trouble.)

Sent a "I'm-a-eunuch-not-a-transsexual" letter to parents and siblings

Cut another four inches off my hair for an androgynous style, in preparation for returning to the men's room at work

Went to work as a male the past two days.

In fact, it seemed as though my GID had completely remitted yesterday. Was feeling like my old self.

GID all gone? DON'T BE SO SURE. The image that flashes to mind is that of Ben Grimm (of "Fantastic Four" comic-book fame), better known simply as "The Thing." Periodically, his orange-rock body spontaneously returns to ordinary human flesh, leaving Ben euphoric that he is normal again. But the human-flesh state never lasts and the orange-rock body returns, casting a spell of pathos over the reader/audience, leaving Ben an emotional wreck.

Similarly, GID can ebb at times, hence the "purge cycle" which crossdressers (and some newbie transsexuals) go through. Like Ben Grimm, I'm aware the GID feelings may return anytime. But this stretch has been prolonged enough that I have shortened my hair, not once, but twice. (Because I suffer from emotional lability, my rule has been "NO IMPULSIVE/SUDDEN CHANGES TO HAIR!" I have to wait two days before any contemplated changes. A famous female pop star's meltdown was instructive in this regard.)

Don't have anything specific to attribute this remission to (except maybe God's grace). Been wondering: Has thinking of myself of a eunuch brought about this change (or vice versa)?

* * *

Going back to the leading sentence of this post, the reason I am writing today: Think I received a key -- though UNBELIEVABLE -- insight into my gender issues yesterday.

Readers of this diary know I have been searching for the cause of my Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift, hypothesizing various things over the duration of this thread, yet never able to settle on any one thing.

Here is my latest (though I believe final) hypothesis: the gender shift was caused by sex/gender-related emotional turmoil. As I mentally probe this wound, the accompanying tears confirm that this is a touchy area which is uncomfortable to explore.

Explaining it briefly, events conspired in mid-to-late 2004 to make me hate my male gender. I ended up suffering a breakdown of sorts; the emotional trauma of the situation was akin to being in a locked room with a dead body. I hated my genitals but couldn't be rid of them soon enough. The upshot is a cross-gender identification developed. (Was this a case of identifying with the victims of that which you abhor?) The cross-gender identification didn't occur in a vacuum: first, I was predisposed to it by personality; second, it was further strongly fueled by the results of my castration.

And things just got worse from there, in the sense that new emotional traumas kept piling up as outgrowths of the old -- i.e., it snowballed:

Rejection by spouse sexually

Rejection by spouse emotionally due to GID revelations

Suicidal feelings

Kicked out of the house, losing all that was familiar on the same day

After moving out of state to an open-ended invitation at my sister's, was asked in a month's time to leave

Forced to resign job/vocation due to family situation

Made another out-of-state move, returning to the area of my youth (Chicago)

Parental rejection due to decision to transition and "being a bad father"

Alienation from family

The ordinary-yet-intense struggles of anyone with GID prior to transition

Lopsided divorce settlement with no visitation

... (you get the idea)

My situation went beyond emotional fragility to something more like post-traumatic stress syndrome. Seeing any sort of implied coitus on TV sent me into tears. Similarly, any drama invoking the theme of "absent father's impact on the son" sent me flying into tears. (In each case, I reached for the clicker immediately, but the damage was done.)

So the whole thing snowballed. That's what happened, plain and simple. That's why healing has been so long in coming. Time heals all wounds, but more wounds means more time.

Putting my gender transition into perspective at this point, I believe it was a necessary treatment/crutch at the time. Remember, I hated my male gender and suffered from suicidal depression. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be male, causing me to withdraw socially. Living as a female is what got me into life again.

But now, with the combined insights of (1) I'm a eunuch, not a transsexual, and (2) emotional trauma is at the root of my Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift, I feel armed to deal with gender feelings as they arise. During my crisis, I believed the gender issues were a revealing of my core personality -- something not to be repressed. However, I now look on myself as a damaged/defective male who will limp along as is. Casting my whole experience in terms of Biblical characters, I've gone from being a Stephen to Ruth to Mephibosheth (2 Samuel 9), who was crippled in both feet because his nurse accidentally dropped him when he was five years old (2 Samuel 4:4).

In fact, the story of Mephibosheth is a wonderful illustration of God's incredible grace to the walking wounded. I am a living example of His "whatever it takes" kind of grace. Not saying that because of this current remission, but because He's been with me through this whole ordeal, just like in the marriage vow: "...in sickness and in health..." Recounting evidences of His grace:

Didn't commit suicide

Didn't become homeless

Found a good job and have been able to perform well in spite of a personal life in turmoil

Erica Ann's friendship and hospitality

Meaningful times spent in Scripture

Companionship with God though alienated from nearly everyone else at times

Graces which made passing as a female relatively easy

Renewed relationship with parents while still transitioning

Avoided steep cost of GRS while still transitioning

Songs which would come to mind reminding me of His presence and care

Authored a website dealing with Biblical prophecy

In other words, I "took a licking but still am ticking" -- though limping. [Didn't plan to go on so long about grace, but am really amazed I made it through the past 6 years!]

* * *

What does all this mean from a practical perspective? For the time being:

Will go back to being nominal male at work (with a purse -- purses are handy!)

Will avoid retail establishments where I am known only as female

WON'T purge my wardrobe

Any outings as female will be more for practical purposes than GID; hard to say at this point because the fuel behind my transition has apparently dried up.

And if these feelings remain, will eventually have to "come out" to acquaintances who know me only as female.

(Speaking from an absolutely practical perspective, it means getting in the practice again of wiping pee off the toilet seat before sitting down! Mac can appreciate that.)

So are my gender issues resolved? No and yes. I'm a defective male with a lifelong (though at times buried) preference toward the female side of life. But I'm a eunuch now, not a female, and I'm going to live with that. Still not sure what the outworkings of all this will be.

(NOTE: For readers hoping to solve their own or a loved one's GID: My GID was unusual from day one, having a defined time of onset (Oct-Nov 2004) and was apparently caused by emotional trauma. One cannot draw parallels between my experience and typical transsexuals. I don't claim to have the cure.)

Only time will tell if this remission will last. Thanks for your interest and care,

Terry -- with a "y" for now

[JessJames1968 (imported)]

Wow!

I'm practically speechless, which is actually rare. Your journey is one from which we can all gleen a nugget of wisdom. Thank you for your willingness to put yourself out there and share.

[Mac (imported)]

Terry,

This change is a big shock. I thought that you were progressing well as a woman. Hope that this is really what you want so you can rearrange your life for the last time. You lost so much of your previous life to become a woman and will be unable to recover most of what you lost.

Please keep us updated on your progress.