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I convinced my undergraduate college to put my new legal name on my official transcript. They will also issue a new diploma with my new name. In order to do this, they are officially changing the college policy on name changes for alumni.

This has never been allowed before and, in fact, a dean just last year stated there was little likelihood of this happening anytime soon. He was addressing the issue specifically as it related to transgender persons.

All of this is the direct result of my pushing the college administration, where at least one person is an active supporter of GLBT rights. I was told I presented a very compelling case for making the policy change. The administrator who sent me the news said he considers this a big stride forward for the college.

I was so excited when I got the news this afternoon that it took me hours to calm down. People at work were excited for me.

One school down, two more to go! School #2 already has a policy in place to handle this so I just need to send them the court order for my name change. School #3 may be a bit of a fight, but I am up for it.

This is really 'Friday' for me as I am taking tomorrow off. I will use the time to work on my new web site and continue the process of getting my name changed on a (small) pension plan I have from a previous employer, government documents, etc.

A significant portion of my snail mail is now coming addressed to me with my corrected name. This is very nice.

This shouldn't surprise me, but it does. Since the day the court order was issued for my new name, I have not once had to remember to sign a check or anything else with that name. This has come very easily to me because I know deep in my heart that I truly am this 'new' person, without any doubts.

For the last few months, I have been seeing my gender therapist twice a month. This is not because she wants to see me that often. It's simply that I really enjoy talking with her.

Today I announced that we would need to go back to the once-a-month schedule, at least for a while. This is all part of my effort to cut back further on expenses. She said she wasn't at all worried about me and I did not need to see her even as frequently as once a month. She is very confident in my own ability to handle whatever problems may come along related to my transition.

I also discussed with her the steps I am taking to bring in more income. She knows that an early version of my web site will be up soon and she wants to put a link to it on her own site. She is familiar with some of what I have written here and likes what I have to say.

Periodically through last week and the weekend, I felt my confidence in my own abilities waning. Especially in those areas related to bringing in more money. Part of this goes back to my childhood when nothing I accomplished ever seemed to please my parents. This doesn't happen too often anymore and I am typically quite confident. The support of several friends on the Archive helped me shake off my self-doubt. Now I am confident I can and will start to bring in more money. It probably won't happen immediately but I only need to be patient and persistent and it will happen.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:49 am Hi MrT,

The hormonal changes are profound and I'll post another observation on that later. This one is from my dentist, of all people!

I saw my new dentist (he has a number of trans patients) this week and he noted that my gums are inflamed. I told him I floss every day. He responded that that they often see this problem in pregnant women! The cause, he said, is undoubtedly the estrogen I am taking. I don't think I'm pregnant. One can never be sure, though, until the pregnancy test comes back negative. After all, I did have a blog post some months back with a title something like 'Why do I look pregnant?'.

Another apparent effect of estrogen: colors seem much more vivid and rich to me now.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:49 am Although I have tended to cry easily throughout my life (even watching comedy movies, no less), I am crying more often now. Each crying spell tends to last longer than ever, besides. I will write more about this later, too.

Seemingly very small things can get me crying. We had a potluck lunch in my department last week. I was admiring a male coworker and ardently wishing he would make love to me. Of course, it figures he is married so making love is out! If he were single, I have no doubt that he would want to get in bed with me tonight! Anyway, just seeing him and admiring his masculinity and gentle nature I felt the tears start to flow. I really did want him to make love to me. This was an office event, so I quickly turned off the tears spigot. I doubt anyone noticed, but I do need to be careful. I don't want to be seen at work as a weepy female. No, I want to be recognized as Wonder Woman!

Over two decades ago, several therapists helped me recognize that I had never been a child. There was no childhood for me. At that time, I knew that I had to be a parent to myself to heal some of the wounds from that time. This technique really help me to heal.

I never fully accepted though, on an emotional level, the significance of this missing childhood for my life. Now

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 15, 2008 10:33 am that I have transitioned and

finally arrived at who I really am, I am starting to grieve for that child who never was. I have experienced brief episodes of this grief in the last several months. Now, I find the grief is really coming out. I often sob uncontrollably for 10 - 15 minutes at my loss of any youth. This is a very necessary process for me to go through. I am not depressed when these crying sessions start but I am immensely sad. Once I have stopped crying, I feel fine and glad that I am at last able to let out my feelings.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 22, 2008 11:15 am I convinced my undergraduate college to put my new legal name on my official transcript. They will also issue a new diploma with my new name. In order to do this, they are officially changing the college policy on name changes for alumni.

This has never been allowed before and, in fact, a dean just last year stated there was little likelihood of this happening anytime soon. He was addressing the issue specifically as it related to transgender persons.

One school down, two more to go! School #2 already has a policy in place to handle this so I just need to send them the court order for my name change. School #3 may be a bit of a fight, but I am up for it.

After the hassle to get my name changed on my transcript and diploma at my undergraduate college, I was expecting at least a few road blocks at one of the remaining schools. I checked today, and getting everything changed and new diplomas issued at my other two universities is quite easy. I am relieved although I was prepared to fight for the changes.

Unlike my undergraduate college, the two other schools have no church ties. I have no doubt that this is what will make the changes so easy at the latter.

I suspect I am getting near the end of getting records, credit cards, etc. switched over to my new name. This has been a lot of work and I am glad I am nearly finished.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:02 pm I saw my new dentist (he has a number of trans patients) this week and he noted that my gums are inflamed. I told him I floss every day. He responded that that they often see this problem in pregnant women! The cause, he said, is undoubtedly the estrogen I am taking. I don't think I'm pregnant. One can never be sure, though, until the pregnancy test comes back negative. After all, I did have a blog post some months back with a title something like 'Why do I look pregnant?'.

Another apparent effect of estrogen: colors seem much more vivid and rich to me now.

Seemingly very small things can get me crying. We had a potluck lunch in my department last week. I was admiring a male coworker and ardently wishing he would make love to me. Of course, it figures he is married so making love is out! If he were single, I have no doubt that he would want to get in bed with me tonight! Anyway, just seeing him and admiring his masculinity and gentle nature I felt the tears start to flow. I really did want him to make love to me. This was an office event, so I quickly turned off the tears spigot. I doubt anyone noticed, but I do need to be careful. I don't want to be seen at work as a weepy female. No, I want to be recognized as Wonder Woman!

Over two decades ago, several therapists helped me recognize that I had never been a child. There was no childhood for me. At that time, I knew that I had to be a parent to myself to heal some of the wounds from that time. This technique really help me to heal.

I never fully accepted though, on an emotional level, the significance of this missing childhood for my life. Now

[quote="Danya (imported)" ti

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:02 pm me=1221438780]
that I have transitioned and

finally arrived at who I really am, I am starting to grieve for that child who never was. I have experienced brief episodes of this grief in the last several months. Now, I find the grief is really coming out. I often sob uncontrollably for 10 - 15 minutes at my loss of any youth. This is a very necessary process for me to go through. I am not depressed when these crying sessions start but I am immensely sad. Once I have stopped crying, I feel fine an
[/quote]
d glad that I am at last able to let out my feelings.

So THATS why women cry when they see me? Hummm...

Well as a person who missed having a childhood I suggest you do what I did and start a band. That gave me 3 or 4 childhoods worth... Now I need to get an adult life...

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:54 am So THATS why women cry when they see me? Hummm...

You are always very funny and I appreciate that a lot!

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:54 am Well as a person who missed having a childhood I suggest you do what I did and start a band. That gave me 3 or 4 childhoods worth... Now I need to get an adult life...

I have thought I might start singing at gay clubs sometime! I can sing very well. The band part? Well, would a quartet for classical music, with me on the piano, have the same beneficial effect??

The deal with me is I have been an adult my whole life, starting from about age 4. I'm not sure I would recognize a newly developing childhood of my own if I tripped over it!

I dunno, the kind of Band I was in was mostly about dressing up in strange costumes, drinking, falling down, special effects exploding and singing songs with really demented lyrics.

And NO I was not a member of Kiss nor am I Alice Cooper.

Congrats. It sounds like everything is moving along smoothly for you. I hope you continue on an enjoyable path until you are able to become the person you have always wanted to be.

James

jamesmc (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 02, 2008 12:50 pm Congrats. It sounds like everything is moving along smoothly for you. I hope you continue on an enjoyable path until you are able to become the person you have always wanted to be.

James

Hi Jennifer,

I am using the name you mentioned in your own thread.

I am doing remarkably well and I am fortunate in many ways. Last night, I had dinner at a friend's home and she commented that I looked better in the very feminine clothing I had on than she ever could. She has always been more of a tomboy type. I was at her place nearly four hours and it was the most relaxing evening I've had in weeks, most of it was one long conversation. We are now two girl friends who really enjoy each other's company

Danya (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 26, 2008 11:21 am in a way that was not possible

before. I am MUCH more talkative now that I am able to be my true self.

She is my best friend locally and we have known each other for about seven years. Over dinner, she told me she could not even remember what I looked like before I transitioned. That's OK by me!

Hugs,

Danya

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 25, 2008 3:43 pm I dunno, the kind of Band I was in was mostly about dressing up in strange costumes, drinking, falling down, special effects exploding and singing songs with really demented lyrics.

And NO I was not a member of Kiss nor am I Alice Cooper.

Hello MrT,

I think I might have enjoyed being in that kind of band! The only part I'm not sure about is the demented lyrics. I seem to remeber your telling me about some of those.

Hugs,

Danya

This has been an interesting week for me in many ways. For the first time, I realized what an impact being bipolar has had on my life.

At the office, I attended a diversity council meeting where I was the most outspoken participant. The old 'me' would have never spoken up to this extent. In fact, before I transitioned I might not have said much at all. Now I have no problem stating exactly what's on my mind even with senior management in the room. I even told a senior VP that I disagreed with him and offered an alternative to what he suggested. I'm sure to many

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:09 am of you this doesn't sound like a big deal.

For me, though, it shows a major change in behavior.

I may be starting to accept, at last, that my time is limited just like everyone else's. This does not make me happy and I may yet decide that if I simply sleep less I can get more done. Since I transitioned, there are so many more things I want to do.

In these sunset years of my life (I AM joking here ), I am coming to appreciate many things that I took for granted before transitioning. Things like free time that seems always beyond my grasp. OTOH, I'm not entirely sure I want much free time. Unless it's time with friends.

I worked through an inner conflict as I prepared to leave home to vote this evening. The truth is, I briefly considered not voting. The problem was my driver's license has gender dysphoria.

My legal name change, which was effective in late September, meant that I would have to register to vote on election day. I would need identify myself using my new license with my feminine name and clearly female photo. My 'sex', though, is shown as 'M'. The thought of having to show this as a proof of identification was unsettling, to say the least.

In the end, I knew I had to vote and everything worked out fine. In the next few weeks, I will have the state's approval to have my driver's license gender dysphoria resolved. I will get a second new license and then my 'sex' will be displayed as 'F'.

I wonder how brave I will be. The further I move along my transition journey the more I see new paths opening that seem to offer chances for further growth and joy beyond what I have already gained in crossing the gender divide. The way down none of these paths is clear and I cannot see what obstacles may be ahead. I do not know which would make the best choice or what I might need to let go of to attain a barely discernible promise of greater fulfillment at the new journey's end. I almost certainly can fully explore no more than one of these new roads. Will I be brave enough to travel any of them?

What each of these new choices requires is finally letting go of all of my fears and being fully open to new possibilities. Possibilities that I would have never imagined had I not transitioned.

This week, I was offered the opportunity by my employer to attend what was essentially a conference on empowering women in their careers, as entrepreneurs and managers. There were several types of workshops offered and I attended everything related to starting and running a business. In many ways, at least in some departments, my company does not operate like a typical corporation. An entrepreneurial approach is highly valued in these areas. What I learned will also help as I seek to start a side business.

It's been nearly 6 months since I transitioned and this conference was the first time that I was in a nearly all-female crowd. In fact, there were 2,000 women attendees. I felt entirely at home with these women. I had no problem walking up to women I had never met and not only talking but initiating conversations. My old 'male' self would have never done this type of thing, with either men or women.

All of these conversations were part of networking and I made a number of potentially useful contacts. For example, I walked straight up to a young woman taking pictures and asked if she was a professional photographer. We had a good conversation, during which I asked about her camera gear. Before we parted, I gave her my card. She promised to contact me with some ideas for my own business. It would have been better, of course, if I had also gotten her card but she didn't have one available.

In several cases where I thought it appropriate, I even announced without hesitation that I am transsexual. In these instances, my gender identity and transitioning status were relevant to another side business idea: consulting with companies who have employees about to transition. Whether or not these women had already guessed my status is besides the point. I was not at all uncomfortable stating who I am. I suspect most had no clue unless I told them. No one's eyes lingered on me as if to say I did not fit in or something was different about me.

Over lunch, I easily chatted with the women seated at my table. The hosting organization is a non-profit that helps women succeed in business. During the meal, awards were given to several women who started with very few resources and built thriving businesses. These women not only helped themselves, but in every case gave back to their communities in very significant ways.

My total comfort throughout the day and the easy conversations I started felt so right. My old 'male' self would have been ill at ease at a meeting of this size, whatever the gender(s) of the participants. As I left the convention center, I was in tears. Once again, I could not believe what a very good thing transitioning has been.

In regards to your last post I think this is all more proof that you chose the right path. Have you talked to your gender therapist about this milestones and what does he/she say about it?

mrt (imported) wrote: Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:17 am In regards to your last post I think this is all more proof that you chose the right path. Have you talked to your gender therapist about this milestones and what does he/she say about it?

Hi MrT,

My experience at the women's conference did indeed add to the proof that I have chosen the right path. At this point, I don't need to be convinced, my friend. It's always nice to get some affirmation. Living as a woman around the clock has changed many parts of my life for the better.

My gender therapist is very impressed with how successfully I am handling everything, including finding my way out of occassional funks. She feels no need for further evidence that I am on the right path. She clearly sees how happy I am.

At the end of my last visit with my gender therapist, on October the 21st, I discussed my very tight money situation. She responded that I was perhaps her only client whom she did not worry about and she felt comfortable seeing me less frequently than once a month. That would help cut down on my expenses.

Our sessions are typically nothing more than than my talking about my life and feelings. She has little feedback because there really is little to say to someone who is doing so well. She shares my excitement about a number of things I am doing.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya

It's great to hear that you are doing so well

And that you are feeling good inside it helps a great deal that you love your

Self for who you are , and now it sounds that you have made it to that point

I hope things keep going good for you

It also sounds like you are handling life's obstacles that come your way quite healthy keep up the good work

I know that you are starting your own business but

What else do you see for your life in 5 , 10 or 20 years in the future

(Things you plan as life goals after the transitioning process is complete )

If that is to personal please forgive me and disregard that last question

I, am not out to hurt you just cereous

Danya

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:53 am It's great to hear that you are doing so well

And that you are feeling good inside it helps a great deal that you love your

Self for who you are , and now it sounds that you have made it to that point

I hope things keep going good for you

It also sounds like you are handling life's obstacles that come your way quite healthy keep up the good work

I know that you are starting your own business but

What else do you see for your life in 5 , 10 or 20 years in the future

(Things you plan as life goals after the transitioning process is complete )

If that is to personal please forgive me and disregard that last question

I, am not out to hurt you just cereous

Hi Kennath7,

Thanks for writing! I agree with you. Being able to love oneself is a terrific thing. Before I transitioned, I knew that was true but I did not feel it for myself much of the time. Now I do.

You never know what may lie ahead in life. In some ways, my life is more difficult since I transitioned but that doesn't matter. I am happy for the first time and I can deal with problems along the way.

I know you are not out to hurt me and your questions is not too personal. I cannot give you a definite answer yet on what I see for my life years down the road. It is important to think about those things, though, and I am doing just that.

Long range planning is complicated for me right now because I am, in effect, going through a female puberty. My emotions get so intense that I feel at times I can hardly contain them. This tends to interfere with rational thinking.

I am always glad when your write.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

It is always fun to catch up with your posts.

This thread is a great historic record of your pioneering bravery and your elegant (and eloquent) transitioning.

Good luck with your new female puberty. I love the way you phrase every phase of your liberating adventure.

Wishing you well in all ways,

-NN

Danya,

NaziNuts (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 16, 2008 1:12 am It is always fun to catch up with your posts.

This thread is a great historic record of your pioneering bravery and your elegant (and eloquent) transitioning.

Good luck with your new female puberty. I love the way you phrase every phase of your liberating adventure.

Wishing you well in all ways,

-NN

Hi NN,

It's good to hear from you, as always. Your very kind comments, and those of others here, mean a lot to me.

It often helps me to go back and look at older posts to remind myself of how far I have come. It was only about a year ago that I first started seeing a transgender therapist. I have come a long way in that year. The support of people here has really helped me along the way, many times.

I hope you are well.

Hugs,

Danya

This has been a stressful week for me. The main problem is I haven't been getting enough sleep. When I am not well rested, I can get just a little cranky and, as an added bonus, I lose my sense of life balance.

I wonder if estrogen has changed my circadian rhythm, disrupting my normal sleep patterns. I can easily stay up until 3 in the morning with no apparent need to get to bed. In fact, very late evening and early morning are now my most productive times. If only I didn't have a regular job to get to each day. After days of staying up very late, I find it difficult to get up even by 8 AM. Ten AM or later would work very well on a regular basis.

There's an additional problem; I need more sleep than before I transitioned. This is a typical result of estrogen therapy. Perhaps I really am a teen again!

In my day, young folks, there was no knowledge of something that is today well accepted. That is, the changed biological clocks in teens. They do not function well in morning classes because they should still be in bed! I wonder if I can get a doctor's excuse allowing my to get to work by 11 AM?

For about five minutes this morning, I was having a difficult time. There are several major changes going on right now besides the really big one, transitioning. The others are beyond my control. Taken together, they can leave me stressed out.

During those several minutes, I thought that I might need to detransition (return to my former gender identity, no matter how uncomfortable it was). I quickly dismissed that thought because to do that would mean denying who I am and going back to a life of unhappiness and self-destructive behaviors. This is not an option that I will pursue, ever.

What caused this annoying, if fleeting, idea was some insecurity in my career. What if I were to lose my job in the next several months? I might have a really difficult time finding another mid-transition. There were other things going on in my head, too, but the freak-out session ended very quickly.

I was surprised at how quickly I was able to dismiss my negative thoughts. For all of us, life is uncertain even in the best of times. I will not allow fear to determine my direction.

By mid-afternoon, I realized I needed to get dressed, get out of the house and have fun. A friend and I spent several hours together doing just that. This evening I am relaxed and calm.

Like you after my hormones being bought from the "store" I had problems with sleep. Please ask your doctor about your DHEA levels and ask her/him about using that and or Melatonin (SPelxed Rong?) I use both and I started dreaming again for the first time in??? And wow! What action. Better then ANY movie and I wake up refreshed. My doctor thinks that my low levels were making it difficult to reach REM sleep. The sleep not the Band.

If you go on DHEA ask for a transdermal cream or a patch or the under the tongue pill. All the other forms seem to spike Estrogen levels in men and Testosterone levels in women. You want just the DHEA not weird effects on your other hormones.

As to this panic "moment" lets face it you were the wrong sex for a long time. Its not a crime to have a flash back once in a while. Just relax and keep on doing what your doing so well... Being you!

"

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:43 pm I will not allow fear to determine my direction.

"

Good for you!

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:51 pm Like you after my hormones being bought from the "store" I had problems with sleep. Please ask your doctor about your DHEA levels and ask her/him about using that and or Melatonin (SPelxed Rong?) I use both and I started dreaming again for the first time in??? And wow! What action. Better then ANY movie and I wake up refreshed. My doctor thinks that my low levels were making it difficult to reach REM sleep. The sleep not the Band.

I will discuss this with my physician and meant to at my last visit. You have mentioned this before. Some nights I have very vivid dreams. For years before I transitioned, I rarely had a dream I could remember let alone intense ones.

Now I dream of long phone conversations with people I have never met. They are not anyone I might know, either, although when I wake I remeber their names! Sometimes it's not phone calls but email exchanges. At least I realize in the light of day that these were not real events (or people). I have more 'normal' dreams, too.

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:51 pm As to this panic "moment" lets face it you were the wrong sex for a long time. Its not a crime to have a flash back once in a while. Just relax and keep on doing what your doing so well... Being you!

I always appreciate your comments and find that you have a lot of insight into things that you have never experienced. That's quite remarkable. I was the wrong sex for a long time. Part of the ongoing process of transitioning is dismantling parts of the former male self which no longer fit and can even hinder the development of the maturing 'girl' within.

I agree with you, there's nothing wrong with having a flashback. In fact, those may never entirely go away.

Hugs,

Danya

"

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:43 pm I will not allow fear to determine my direction.

"

Good for you!

Thanks for the encouragement, postatracura.

Hugs,

Danya

In a small way I think I get what your going through. I had hormone problems and things were not "right" with me. Sexually as well as mental etc so getting on HRT for me was my m2M sex change Thanks to the good Dr B for suggesting that concept.

The "rightness" of having the right hormone fuel for me is what I base my take on how you felt when you dialed off Testosterone and went on Estrogen. If I had gone on Estrogen I'm sure it would have felt "wrong" as I did when I didn't have enough Testosterone. When you went on Estrogen your reaction was relief and pure joy (Or so I gathered from your posts) which I take as being the correct mix for you.

Men with borderline hormones are often given a test run to see if the "symptoms" change. In other words if a man is near the bottom end of Testosterone and has mood problems, low sex drive, depression etc and responds to HRT? Then they would continue it. If not they can explore other problems such as Mental Depression or other hormone issues.

I wonder if the same type of treatment might be of value to people who are borderline GID? If their need for transition is repressed and they respond to HRT? Then the therapy can continue with a renewed vigor because the therapist/doctor will be able to conclude they are truly on the right track.

Don't we live in interesting times?