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Hi all,

The discoveries get more painful. It's like peeling off the layers of an onion. I see now that I am a male (inside as well as outside) who has had a pervasive desire to be female all his life. How did I reach this conclusion? Seeing my gender identity fluctuate depending on how much progesterone is in my system. When I'm at castrate levels, I feel girlish. (That is what precipitated the post-castration crisis.) Add progesterone, and I feel more male again. So my gender identity crisis has been hormonal.

But the crisis is far from over. This longing to be female has been with me all my life, and has become debilitating since the so-called "gender shift" in Oct-Nov 2004. Here's a thought question I asked myself about the afterlife a few days ago: "If my only choice were being male in Heaven or ceasing to exist, which would I choose?" You know what?! I actually have to think about it. As great as Heaven will be, I actually have to think about it. If I can't be female SOMEDAY, I just want to give up and stop existing.

Herein lies the cause of my depression: I long to be female, and if I can't be female, it takes the wind out of my sails. No joy of life. I guess that is what this man's mid-life crisis is all about. The desire found expression in transvestism (pre-puberty, best I can recall), so I considered myself a transvestite. Puberty clouded things, and I forgot the underlying issue. But remove libido and transvestism (via castration) and the desire/longing remains.

The BIG question: Where does this longing derive from? This is a key question since it can hopefully point toward a solution. The answer is in my diary entry for October 13, 2005:

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 13, 2005 10:02 pm Previous diary entry has been running thru my mind: "

bryan (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:12 am In the case of this illness, I don't want the cure -- i.e., to be comfortable as a male again. What

it represents is too

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 13, 2005 10:02 pm distasteful to me." Maybe that nails it on the head. Occurred to me I've always had higher respect for women than men. Generalities are involved, certainly, but it seems men have a "goofball" side,

and the saying is true that "females mature sooner."

So here's where the longing comes from: I prefer females over males. It's that simple. I suppose most people have an inborn preference (pride?) which draws them to their own gender, something which causes boys to say, "Girls -- ick!" I lack pride in my gender. I lacked it as a child, testosterone added male pride until my mid-life crisis (when I became FED UP with maleness), and now I'm back to my unvarnished preference for females. I want to be one. I want to join their company. And if I can't be one, it "takes the wind out of my sails" and I want to die -- cease to exist.

There's no childhood incident/episode which explains the preference. I simply have preferred females all my life. So I'm not expecting a cure.

If I weren't on progesterone, I'd be crying right now.

...

(Well, during some prayer, I did get a good cry after all.)

I'm still gender-confused. Tickle.com thinks I'm 92% female when my hormones are at castrate levels. What sort of male prefers to be female, prefers to join their company? What sort of male LIKES the feeling of low hormones? You know what I feel like when I'm on progesterone? A lunkhead -- an insensitive lunkhead. Without hormones, I feel more alive, more interested in people. Now, when my wife is talking about something going on in the life of a relative, I'm not that concerned and don't contribute to the conversation. I apologized in bed last night, saying, "Sorry I'm the master of monosyllabic answers tonight."

Bryan/Terri

. . .

bryan (imported) wrote: Wed May 03, 2006 7:19 am wife confronted me on the matter of discipline. I'm too soft (in her opinion), and she ends up doing most of the disciplining; consequently, our boy favors me.

Well, that is one possibility. Another is simply that he is more aware of your anguish than of hers.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

.

Um.. Hey..

Have you ever visited the website www.beginninglife.com ? This is the place you really need to search for answers. Although I'm sure that many people here are very well versed on information, the women on this site actually have gone through what you are going through and live happy lives. I do see all of the posts that people share here and it warms my heart to see that so many are reaching out to you in support of whatever you decide.

Hi all,

Thank you to those who have contributed to this thread.

Wonder if the recent discoveries have been a breakthrough. There have been three mysteries in my Big Fat Problem (as I've been calling this mid-life crisis):

1. WHAT was the "gender shift" in Oct-Nov 2004?

2. WHERE on the spectrum is my gender identity? At least, why does it fluctuate?

3. WHY the transsexual desires?

Yesterday's diary answers #1:

...

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue May 09, 2006 1:14 am when I became FED UP with maleness...

Yes, I became fed up with maleness and wanted to disassociate myself from it. So there wasn't a magical inward transformation. I just became fed up.

Yesterday's diary also answers #2:

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue May 09, 2006 1:14 am Seeing my gender identity fluctuate depending on how much progesterone is in my system. When I'm at castrate levels, I feel girlish. Add progesterone, and I feel more male again.

So lack of hormones can lead to a girlish identity. Others at EA have encountered similar effects, including maternal feelings in some cases.

Finally, yesterday's diary answers #3:

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue May 09, 2006 1:14 am I prefer females over males. It's that simple. I suppose most people have an inborn preference (pride?) which draws them to their own gender, something which causes boys to say, "Girls -- ick!" I lack pride in my gender.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. Here's something I was going to add to the diary entry:

Was just thinking: "Maybe now that I know what I'm against, I can fight it." Alas, very next thought was, "It's not worth fighting for. I don't like being male." Maybe I'm having an existential crisis.

But the Lord provided comfort later by bringing a tune to mind: "Keep the Candle Burning" performed by Point of Grace. Nearly all the words were a good match for my feelings/situation. The two-fold message is (1) I'm not alone (the Lord sees my tears) and (2) keep the candle [of hope] burning -- He will see me through.

Started praying the Lord would help me "move on" and get past all this stuff -- just get on with life.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Castration can lead to a gender-identity crisis. Not only does testosterone fuel male libido, it fortifies male identity. Lose it, and one's identity may become more girlish.

2. Castration can lead to depression (no surprise): There has been a loss of satisfaction in life. Less satisfaction on the job, less satisfaction at home. Poor sleep as well. Satisfaction nowadays is found in eating, music, and crying (strangely enough).

3. Progesterone is a handy over-the-counter form of HRT. It tempers a eunuch's emotions, helps with sleep, and can restore some function to Mr. Penis and even provide libido. Credit goes to Mr. T for this suggestion.

KNOWING WHAT I NOW KNOW, would I have still gotten castrated? Yes, I had no other choice. Became so disenchanted with maleness, had to "unplug" my male equipment. Also, was troubled by addictive sexual thoughts. Plus, I *LOVE* not having testicles.

WHAT OF THE AFTERLIFE? I haven't forgotten my October 2nd experience in church. I will have to cling to it during hard times. It gives me genuine hope for a female appearance/body in Heaven.

Bryan/Terri

I couldn't have said this any better. Hugs, Leona

Hi all,

Nice to hear from you, Leona! By the way, what were you referring to exactly when you said you couldn't say it any better?

More recapping: I've had two distinct crises:

(1) Pre-castration: Became fed up with male libido (and maleness by association). Started identifying with the [usual] victims of male libido: females. Castration was a useful band-aid for this crisis, and I had four good months until Crisis #2:

(2) Post-castration: Due to lack of hormones, personality became more girlish. Identification with females became complete. It became a crisis because of a lifelong [buried] wish to be female. "My dream...my forgotten dream...is finally coming true!" Was thrown into confusion and was powerless to halt the progression.

* * *

Still not sure where I stand today. I'm a pitiful, conflicted individual. Would it have been better for the wish to be female to stay buried? Buried, however, isn't the same as dead. When it was buried, the wish manifested itself as transvestite desires/longings. The longings became overwhelming after Crisis #1 and were a big factor in seeking castration. So is it better for the wish to be out in the open? Emotion swells as I think of this boy who has wanted to be a girl all this time.

I guess the longing just never goes away...

Hugs to all my sisters,

Bryan/Terri

I have added after your writing.Leona

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu May 11, 2006 5:22 am Hi all,

Nice to hear from you, Leona! By the way, what were you referring to exactly when you said you couldn't say it any better?

More recapping: I've had two distinct crises:

(1) Pre-castration: Became fed up with male libido (and maleness by association). Started identifying with the [usual] victims of male libido: females. Castration was a useful band-aid for this crisis, and I had four good months until Crisis

>Leona<:I have been here. My wife was fixing to leave. Although I was chemically castrated ,it took many mos to get in a position of regaining my male self. I can only give all the credit to God.

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu May 11, 2006 5:22 am #2:

(2) Post-castration: Due to lack of hormones, personality became more girlish. Identification with females became complete. It became a crisis because of a lifelong [buried] wish to be female. "My dream...my forgotten dream...is finally coming true!" Was thrown into confusion and was powerless to halt the progression.

>Leona<:As I said before, my testasterone count was .2 at this point. A bad place to be even for a female. I had ingested so much estrogen that my readings were fixed there. Nearly all you've said ring a familier bell.

Hugs, Leona

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu May 11, 2006 5:22 am * * *

Still not sure where I stand today. I'm a pitiful, conflicted individual. Would it have been better for the wish to be female to stay buried? Buried, however, isn't the same as dead. When it was buried, the wish manifested itself as transvestite desires/longings. The longings became overwhelming after Crisis #1 and were a big factor in seeking castration. So is it better for the wish to be out in the open? Emotion swells as I think of this boy who has wanted to be a girl all this time.

I guess the longing just never goes away...

Hugs to all my sisters,

Bryan/Terri

Diary for 5/11/2006:

Daddyboo: Thanks for the link to BeginningLife.com. Misery likes company, so it's helpful to see what others are going through.

How am I feeling today? I can't describe how I feel. I wonder what people find so interesting about life. The pain is such I'm ready to cease to exist (if that were an option). Why do people like to go on living? Why isn't the landscape littered with suicides?

Regarding the Oct-Nov 2004 "gender shift": I suppose the shift was real enough after all. It caused me to identify with women more than men. What is "identity" if not whom you identify with? The hormonal changes accompanying castration cemented the change in gender identity. The thought of "regaining my male identity" is repugnant to me.

The issue has become existential: If the longing to be female can't find fulfillment SOMEDAY, then I don't even want to exist.

Was just listening to a song: "I Will be Here for You" by Michael W. Smith and Diane Warren. One of the lines was particularly inspiring: "Reach out for my love." Maybe my relationship with the Lord needs to be more tangible than ever. My self-worth is at an all-time low.

---------------------

Diary for 05/15/2006:

Have stopped regular use of progesterone after only two weeks. Figured it's better to merely wish for death than wish for non-existence. Though P tempers emotions, it also deepened the depression.

The more I think about my story, it's like classic tragedy. Hero starts off basically successful. Small character flaw (tendency toward perversion) leads hero to take noble action (castration). Noble action leads to discovery (transsexualism) which threatens to undo hero in a way the small character flaw never did.

(Sorry the next three paragraphs aren't very clear. It's hard to explain...)

Someone I respect very much asked me if I would like to be delivered from TS/GD. Had to think about that for awhile. That's when we find out how deep it really runs. Do I think of TS as something to be delivered from? If I valued maleness and considered my male identity to be at risk, yes -- I would want deliverance. But I became fed up with maleness and essentially put my male identity to death: first psychologically during the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift, then physically via castration in April 2005. Only after castration's hormonal changes did my repressed preference for females see the light of day.

In a way, I feel betrayed by testosterone. Consider how an adult guides a child in their choices: "Try it out my way first. If it works out, great. If not, then you're free to do it your way." So this child wanted to be female. The adult says, "Try being male, see if it works out..." Okay, I did try it out -- for 48 years. After that, my psyche had a fundamental disagreement with Mr. Libido, and also didn't like being associated with Mr. Aggressive and Mr. Dominant; there had to be a parting of the ways. I trusted maleness/testosterone for 48 years and finally concluded it wasn't for me. So I want to go back to my original preference, female, a preference which (though repressed) has been with me all my life. I guess maleness isn't an essential part of my identity. Else, why was I able to kill it, when I couldn't kill the female in me??

If God had not encouraged me on October 2nd, I don't know WHAT I would think about all this. But I feel accepted by Him as a female-to-be, so I live with that hope. Hence, I don't consider TS/GD to be something I need to be delivered from.

Bryan/Terri

One thing that is important to remember is that identyfying more with females over males does not necessarily make you a woman. There are plenty of feminine men out there of all sexual orientations who prefer to associate with females, but they do not consider themselves women.

I've considered the possibility myself a few times, that I could just be a man with feminine characteristics and who doesn't find it necessary to identify with the stereotypical "man's man" role. It can be difficult for non-traditional men in a society where men are expected to play a certain role, and I don't doubt that some of them would decide it would be better to be a woman.

Having a female gender identity is about much more than having feminine traits or preferring to talk to women over men. It's simply who you are, regardless of any of your characteristics or circumstances in your life. Regardless of how you look, dress, who you're attracted to, how emotional you are, how compassionate you are, or anything else, you just know inside you are female.

Gender identity is also about more than hormones. Someone with a female identity would have that identity regardless of whether she were on T or E or something else or nothing at all. It is possible for this identity to be supressed under certain circumstances, but deep down you always know it is there.

My Dearest Terri,

I have been an avid reader of your posts under this thread and felt a real desire to contact you. My heart goes out to you my sister. I just want to take you into my arms and hug you! You have had a very difficult time and I feel a definite kinship with you.

Your gender issues come forth from the same well as many of ours. I have finally determined, after dealing with my own gender issues for many, many years, that it's a matter of of trying to be someone that you never have been in the first place! In other words, you have never really felt comfortable with your maleness because you have never truly been a male. Just like myself, you have always been a female within your self.

I tried, like yourself, to bury my true female identity many times over the years only to have my true self come back over and over again. I have learned that You cannot bury Yourself! As a member of that select group of people, TG/sisters, I think that only people like ourselves can really understand this concept.

Terri, please stop taking yourself to task over this matter. You are who you are, and if that means being female, so be it.

I too have prayed many long hours over this matter and repeatedly the only answer I get back from Him is "I made you and I love you". That's kinda my little confirmation of the old saying "God doesn't make junk" and maybe, just maybe, this is going to be my cross to bear in life and to fix, if I can.

You can take the steps needed to become the person you really are once you find yourself within your own heart, so please take good care of yourself and never lose site of may be a part of our Lord's plan for you.

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:49 am Hi all,

Never mentioned this before:

I swam at public pools a lot as a child and recall being grossed out in the men's locker room seeing mature genitals (hair and all). Can anyone identify with that? I'm wondering if that's a normal boy response or more of a TG response. Don't recall similar feelings in women's locker rooms, though I believe I caught a glimpse.

* * *

Erica,

Thank you so much for speaking up!

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Wed May 17, 2006 8:51 am Your words came at the right time and were soothing.

I too have prayed many long hours over this matter and repeatedly the only answer

I get back from Him is "I made you and I love you".

Speaking of prayer: when I ask the Lord, "What am I?", the response is "A child of God." No gender clue, for good or ill.

One of my hopes with this diary is that my heart could speak to others' hearts. TG issues don't come up in everyday conversation (THAT'S an understatement!), and people don't even bare their souls completely in sheltered situations such as therapist offices. Christians are even less willing to lower the mask lest they "lose their witness." Your response lets me know heart is speaking to heart.

Thanks for the hugs!

* * *

Plix,

For clarification, here's how I'm using the word identify (from an online dictionary):

Identify: To associate or affiliate (oneself) closely with a person or group. In this sense, identify suggests a psychological empathy with the feelings or experiences of another person.

Regarding identification, here's something I noticed mainly after castration. While watching dramas, I was putting myself in the shoes of female characters instead of males. This w

plix (imported) wrote: Wed May 17, 2006 2:38 am as a departure from the past and was jarring at first.

Having a female gender identity is about much more than having feminine traits or preferring to talk to women over men. It's simply who you are, regardless of any of your characteristics or circumstances in your life. Regardless of how you look, dress, who you're attracted to, how emotional you are, how compassionate you are, or

anything else, you just know inside you are female.

That knowledge is something I lack; hence I'm gender confused. I can't honestly say I'm male or female; it would take a psychologist to assess my present gender identity. One thing I do know: When praying about whether to put the female in me to death, I end up saying, "But that's ME..." That sort of identity-crisis didn't happen when I started strangling Mr. Penis and disassociating from manhood.

Love you.

Hi all,

You know how people sometimes say, "That's YOU! That suits you." They may say it after you try on an outfit, or see you in a particular photo. Or you may be in a particular situation and you feel you've "hit your stride." For TGs, hormonal changes is one of the things which lets us see what really suits us. Witness this post four months after my castration:

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 15, 2005 5:37 am http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=47787&postcount=7

Speaking as a castrate with no plans for HRT, I'm enjoying the ride. Emotions are more intense.

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 15, 2005 5:37 am My mother said I was 'sensitive' as a child, and I feel like I'm REDISCOVERING WHO I WAS before T came on the scene. I identify with women now more than men. ('Those brutes!' ) Stories of sexual abuse tear at me like never before. Tears come, and that's okay since I've stepped out of my narrowly-defined male role (internally, at least).

Some of the changes are downright amusing, like heightened concern about appearance. One day, I wanted to wear my wife's shorts just because the color looked so nice and would go well with my shirt.

Depression? Haven't seen any yet (but YMWV). Instead, the JOY OF LIFE has returned. My closest bout with depression was in the five months PRECEDING castration when I was trying to strangle the male equipment. It helps that nearly every effect of castration is welcome to me. Impotence? Bring it on! Hot flashes? A reminder of my new state ('It's REAL!') and I get to identify with the ladies. Possible breast development? A bit embarrassing in public, yet I'm hoping for some.

So -- all I'm saying is: there are times when we get an opportunity to see the REAL us, where we can say, "This really suits me." Lack of testosterone did it for me.

Regarding confusion over gender: Wonder if I've been going about this the wrong way. Been assuming I started life with a male identity (albeit soft), something dramatic/traumatic happened (gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004), and my gender identity transformed to female. When I use this approach, there's still cognitive dissonance and I'm miserable/depressed. Still hard to believe a thing like gender identity could change. Taking Erica Ann's words to heart, maybe I have been female all along. Going to see if that frame of mind fits better.

That gets me wondering: What would it be like for a female identity to start life in a male body? What 'symptoms' would we see? How long would it take the female to figure out the problem? What sort of stresses would it cause? [NOTE: These aren't rhetorical questions. Feel free to add your opinions/experience to this thread.] While studying language development in children, I was surprised to learn that young children in international situations may play together for as long as a week before figuring out their playmate is using a different language. (Has nothing to do with gender issues. Just saying identification of problems may occur much later than we imagine.)

Terri

* * *

ADDENDUM: Already have started feeling a little glow or spark of life inside me with the new mindset (i.e., female since birth). After all, it means so much when the female side is affirmed. A pizza cashier maam'd me accidentally yesterday and it was pleasant enough. I wondered, not too seriously, "Am I putting off an aura??" Maybe my post-castration depression has been from repressing/denying the female...

Continuing that thought, when did depression actually enter the picture? After all, castration didn't cause my depression -- I was skipping! Confusion was certainly a problem at the end of September 2005 when full-blown TS-ism showed up, but not depression/despair. Here are the depression low points:

- Dec 2005: Realized it was going to be a struggle to maintain status quo.

- March 2006: Realized I secretly do want to transition but can't (without losing my family and ministry).

- May 2006: Crisis assumed existential proportions: if the longing to be female isn't fulfilled SOMEDAY, then I'd rather not exist.

So maybe my depression isn't so much about the female identity itself as it is about repression of the identity with no opportunities for expression.

MAybe you'll find my comments a bit sarcastic or arrogant, but they're definitely not thought as such.

Could it be that you identify as what female think, not as how female look ? So ultimately, you do not adhere to the way males are positioned in your society, and not to the fact that you're a male yourself.

Just to try to get you an idea of what I'm tryign to explain here, have you travelled a bit around the globe and seen of the relations between males and females are different, even more how the roles of males and females in society are different ?

Even when looking at the "civilized" countries, there are striving differences, and I would personnally not live in the USA, where males are painted as what you call 'the brutes'. Say, over here in France, crying, being sensitive, even wearing pink, is not seen as goign toward the female side, rather as having feelings, overall being human. Of course, too much of that is too male, so to some extent the issue is still the same, but there is a visible difference.

Completely the opposite, but even more striving is Japan, where crying is out of question, and smiling after a defeat is even worse for a male, where it doesn't make a difference for a female.

And then China, where nobody is supposed to cry anyway.

So maybe it's just that you don't really identify in your society ?

...

vapi (imported) wrote: Sat May 20, 2006 2:07 am Could it be that you identify as what female think, not as how female look ? So ultimately, you do not adhere to the way males are positioned in your society...Have you travelled a bit around the globe and seen of the relations between males and females are different, even more how the roles of males and females in society are different?...

So maybe it's just that you don't really identify in your society?

To the reader: Today's diary activity starts with post #62. Be sure to go back.

vapi,

Good question. No, I don't consider your remarks arrogant or sarcastic. Hadn't considered the cultural aspect of gender issues at all.

No, it's not a matter of culture in my case. I want the "full package": body, clothes, role, appearance. I want to be female regardless of what it means in whichever culture. So I'm not looking for freedom to break out of a cultural stereotype; I want to be female, to be able to check 'F' instead of 'M' on forms.

Terri

Dear Terri,

I'm so happy for you after reading you're latest postings. Girl, I really feel that you are on the verge of a great break though in your life and I'm glad you're beginning to feel better about yourself.

You, through your own experiences over the past few years, have answered your own questions on how it feels for a female to be trapped in the wrong gender existence, but in response to your questions, I can only relate to you my own experiences.

Like many of us, I knew from a very early age that I wasn't like the other little boys and that there was something different about me that prevented me from fully relating to them. My very first friend was a little girl by the name of Cathy who lived next door. We got along great. I could jump rope and play hopscotch with the best of girls. Had fights with my Mother at 2, 3 and 4 years old about my first haircut and the little boy clothes she wanted to dress me in.

As the years went by I finally started to realize who I really was and am. The resulting internal conflict went on for many years resulting in anger, frustration, hostility and depression. Why do you think that people like us have such a high suicide rate?

But maybe that wasn't all bad. Because when I just couldn't handle it alone anymore is what caused me to turn to our Lord for help and help He did, but that's a whole other story for a different time.

I also agree with you that it's not a matter of not identifying with the male role that society has cast, but rather a longing to identify with the gender that we really are.

Terri, please keep thinking along your current mindset and keep that little glow alive within you. The light that it will bring to your heart, mind and soul will soon help you understand your internal struggles and more importantly, will bring you the peace you have so long sought.

Love,

Hi all,

As you recall, I've been trying a new mindset -- that I've been a female since birth. Seemed farfetched and even expressed that to the Lord, but pondered it nonetheless (with no other leads to follow). After 48 hours, the idea doesn't seem so farfetched. In examining my personal history, the evidence is inconclusive for either gender, but there are some peculiarities which would be explained well by a cross-gender identity.

Some of the evidence considered: I really liked my nextdoor friend, Martha Lynn (during ages 3-4). Preferred her over male friends of the time. My dad steered me away from dolls; I think a cherished stuffed Santa Claus was a substitute. How did a female identity show up after castration? Gender identities don't just *poof* into existence, and I'm still not convinced gender identity can change. Gender identity can be occluded/eclipsed, however; I think puberty's testosterone overshadowed the female in me. If I'm male, how come I look upon my years of T with such regret and consider it to be poison?

It is intriguing to think about cross-gendering. Attentive parents will attempt to steer a child toward gender-appropriate behaviors, and a docile eager-to-please child may do okay, especially if he/she is adaptable (thinking of myself). I know my dad did some steering, so some evidence which would otherwise help my search has essentially been tampered with.

Last night (long before the 4am conversation), I was feeling really messed up. After all, regardless whether I'm male or female inside, I'm messed up bigtime. Since gender is such a big component of what it means to be human, just makes me want to retire from existence. I did well in school, but can't even figure out my gender! Go figure. Maybe attentive parents who steer their children really aren't helping them.

Erica: Thanks for the encouragement, and thanks for adding your experience to this thread.

Terri

Hi all,

Disaster has struck. The marriage is disintegrating. As part of our discussions, told her why I haven't attempted any lovemaking (i.e., would have a lesbian feel). Guess that cements in her mind how big the problem is and she feels she no longer has a husband: "I will not be married to a female." The only way for the marriage to survive is for me to recover the mantle of manhood and not want to be female inside. Not gonna happen.

So it's probably a lost cause. We are talking separation already. Told her we shouldn't make any situation changes until after July 15th, with my death being the hoped-for solution. You know what? She agrees my death is the best solution. So we were able to pray in agreement this morning -- can you believe that?

She and her mom want me to see a doctor to get on anti-depressants. Wife says my depression is throwing her into depression, and she doesn't want to fall apart. However, I know the reason for my depression: repression of the female. Told her my spirits rise when the female is affirmed, and drop when the female is denied. One of the reasons I stopped progesterone is it felt like shackles were going on with each dose.

Thought I was being a good partner with my wife by not acting on the desire to be female. So when I tell my wife I feel female inside, why is it such a big deal to her? After all, someone could say they felt like a walrus inside; but as long as they earned a living and did their part raising a child, what's there to complain about? The words fall heavily upon her, though, because I'm apparently demonstrating "sissy-priss" behavior. So the words confirm her observations.

Thanks for listening,

Terri

Terri; Your latest post is difficult to read. Reality can sometimes be like that. I don't see where you have given up on yourself throughout this ordeal, so there is hope for you to reconcile how you percieve yourself with how others have seen you in the past. Unfortunately, there are some who will not be able to give up what they think you should be regardless of what you truely are. Sorry it's not going well. Be strong. --FLO--

Hi Bryan! I was watching LOGO channel yesterday[opposite sex]. It seems that we all go through this same pattern. Some of us that are young and not so connected with others do better in this realm of disphoria. But older folk's with wives and families and friends, hobbies, church, and businesses, have a very heartbreaking future. It seems that either we leave it all or seek a way to cope or transition back. I'm doing well transitioning back but not of my own doing. I've had lots of help and understanding. If I continued to transition, it would be extremely self-centered and I just can't do that. We all must find our own way and I would expect my longing to be female will always be in my soul but must try with Gods help to press-on towards the person He wishes me to be. This is difficult and hurtful to write but maybe it will be helpful knowing you are diffinately not alone.Hugs, Leona

Dear Diary,

Trying to lay things out concretely:

1. Through whatever means, I have a feminine personality / female identity. To deny it or repress it leads to despondency. It's not mere preference but an existential issue. Therefore, I am unwilling to change.

2. Wife is hurt. Desires to shelter son from my weirdness. Wants her "man" back.

3. Wife believes female personality/identity is from Satan, and considers me in league with him by holding onto female identity.

4. I consider female personality to be congruent with my future, getting a body and role to go with it in Heaven. Obviously, I don't view it as being from Satan. Rather, I feel God's encouragement through the hard times and believe I am being a good husband and father, considering the circumstances. Therefore, we have a fundamental spiritual disagreement.

5. As long as we live together, wife will make me feel like an unrepentant fiend, as though I am blind spiritually.

6. The consequent dissonance in our views will tear at my insides and drive me insane. I suppose the depression is an early symptom.

* * *

Hi all,

Had a dream last night: Was in son's playroom and noticed half the ceiling had fallen, and the rest was very weak. When I remembered the dream, just started howling in grief. His pleasant world is going to receive an abrupt shock.

Would you believe I'm actually feeling peaceful? I thank the Lord for an extra measure of His "peace during the storm."

Spoke with wife. Apparently, the biggest problem in her mind is my low opinion of males. She's afraid that will affect our boy, so she is seeking to insulate him from me. She also feels unloved.

Wife spoke with my mom. Wife agreed to no separation until we see how an anti-depressant works. I'll be meeting with a Christian psychologist.

You're going to get a some Bible teaching today as a bonus. Is my female identity sin? Is my hope to be female in Heaven sin?

"...and everything that does not come from faith is sin" (Romans 14:23).

"...fight the good fight, holding onto faith and a good conscience (1 Timothy 1:18:19).

"Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask, because we obey His commands and do what pleases Him (1 John 3:21-22).

What I'm leading up to is this: A good way to tell whether something is sin is whether you can ask God -- with a clear conscience -- to grant it. I'm able to earnestly, tearfully ask God to make me a female in Heaven. No guilt. I've realized the longing is deeper than I can stand. I don't want the longing taken away, and I don't want to be made a content male in Heaven because I don't feel male. (Guess that's what Plix is talking about in post #59: "

bryan (imported) wrote: Fri May 19, 2006 6:27 am you just know inside you are female.

") I've just got an affinity for females (pride?). Besides -- aren't we allowed to express our deepest wishes to our Heavenly Father and let HIM decide what's good and acceptable? If God can make the universe out of nothing and resurrect immortal bodies from dust (mending handicaps in the process), seems like changing sex would be a small matter.

Sorry for venting. Feeling very misunderstood.

Also, sorry to write so much, but much is happening.

May this diary prove helpful in your own TG struggles, and provide commiseration in your pain,

Terri

P.S. -- Thanks for your wor

Leona Lee (imported) wrote: Wed May 24, 2006 2:43 am ds of comfort, Uncle Flo.

P.P.S. -- Dear Leona,

...This is diffic

ult and hurtful to write but maybe it will be helpful...

I understand what you are saying ("Faithful are the wounds of a friend.") But here's the problem: I am not transitioning. What bothers my wife is the personality/identity itself. I call it female; she doesn't consider it so. The personality isn't put-on, it's not an affect. It resulted from castration, something embarked on out of agreement with Matt. 5:29-30, and which was necessary to conquer high libido (in the form of addictive sexual thoughts). I'm not asking her to call me 'Terri'. I'm not dressing up. No estrogen. The only action I've taken is trimming (not shaving) body hair because it's repulsive. I can't transition back because I never transitioned in the first place.

Hi all,

I'll see a Christian medical doctor tomorrow. He's a family friend and could be likened to an Old Testament seer. When my wife was single, she saw this doctor complaining of really poor sleep (e.g., sleeping in 5-minute snatches). He gave some sort of physical diagnosis but added, "I think the problem is spiritual. There's something you're not giving over to the Lord." My wife accepted the physical diagnosis, but in her thoughts said, "Mind your own beeswax!" Indeed, she felt the Lord calling her to fulltime missions, but wanted a husband first as part of the deal. The tug-of-war had led to poor sleep.

Before the physical exam begins, I'm going to ask the doctor to "give me a reading" first, i.e., pray over me and see what the Lord reveals to him.

Also got an appointment with a Christian psychologist for July 18-19. I'm not too excited.

Sisters: Ever feel like a leper? I can't believe the lack of acceptance for a TG identity. We're not talking transition -- merely the state of being. When it's discussed at home, it's always with the interest of locating a "cure" (a cure, not surprisingly, that involves changing the INSIDE, not the OUTSIDE).

As a computer programmer, I work with a variety of personnel databases. You know what? It pains me (mildly) when I look at the gender field and see 'F' or 'female' selected. The 'F' had started bothering me even before castration (but after the gender shift).

Terri

Hi Bryan/ Terri! I never was a cross-dresser and although I dressed more male I was starting to look like a female in male clothes. People just commented on how good I looked. I have not taken any estrogen for over a year and my testosterone is about 700 now. my natural estrogen is nearly 200. I am glad to have natural levels now, I think I'm very stable emotionally. The longing for female is still there but pushed back. My focus is more on others and Christ than myself. As long as I keep my eyes on my Savior instead of myself, I do well. When I see happy females, enjoying life and being girl, it tugs at my heart and I love them all so much. I realise I was created a male and I try to accept that.

With Gods help is the only way I can exist. My Wife and family are now very happy with me and I've taken my place in society as a person with understanding and no judgements. My heart is heavy knowing the struggles we have but once we've learned to accept ourselves, maybe we can be productive and helpful to others. The world does not revolve around me.

All the Best, Leona

I still would strongly recommend you consider a non-Christian professional. You will likely find it very difficult to find someone who is on your side among Christian professionals (i.e., those who make their beliefs a fundamental part of their practic). If for some reason the wife won't let you see a non-Christian, perhaps you could consider doing so in secret, if you were willing. I just think you will feel so much better to have someone to talk to who is willing to help you explore your identity rather than squash it from the start. I personally believe that God created you exactly the way he intended, and if a transsexual struggle is part of his plan for you, that's exactly what he had in store for you right from the start.

Dear Terri,

I fully agree with plix's advise on seeking help from someone outside of the "faith based community". I really feel that you are more likely to find assistance from someone who is willing to help you explore these matters rather than to discourage you before you can really find yourself and work theses issues through. There are a lot of good people out there. Please seek out one that you feel comfortable with and not necessarily based on the recommendation of your wife.

While I agree with Leona Lee that the world does not revolve around any one of us, our individual lives and beings do. If we can't feel good about ourselves how can we be any good to and for others?

My heart really goes out to you, and I hope you eventually achieve the peace that is God's good pleasure to make available to you. I have not responded previously to this thread because I don't know how to help you. But your postings keep pulling at my heart, and so I just want you to know that I believe that if you listen to that inner voice within you (that is God's voice talking to you), you will achieve the peace and happiness that is yours.

Consider your names as used here on this web site: Bryan (a male name), going to Terry (typically male name), going to Terri (typically a female variation. And then your posting:

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:40 am Just had a time of bawling and howling as I struggled to voice what I know in my heart:

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

It huuuurrts!.......

tells me that you know what to do, but that something is holding you back. Are you able to articlulate what is holding you back, what is the barrier between you and the happiness you deserve?

The above said with nothing but total love in my heart for you.