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Danya,

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 27, 2009 6:44 am Your choice of clothing sounds very professional. My mental image of you right now is of a beautiful and confident woman. Oh and maybe a little naked with so little jewelry. I am teasing as I have never seen you wearing too much.

Oh and I hate when a mechanic does not show the dipstick to me.

Of course I will look forward to news on the job search front. My person is 93 so I can imagine I will be joining in the fun soon. Not by my own hand of course. So I am wishing you and all in their job searches great success.

Hi Tugon,

It's always great to hear from you and I enjoyed speakig with you yesterday, as always.

Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful words.

You've got me laughing with your comment on the jewlery I typically wear. In truth, I will need to back off a little for any job interview.

Some of those male mechanics were quite attractive. It was good to see there was a young woman mechanic, too.

I spent most of today on my job search, finishing only at 8:30 PM this evening. Time to relax a bit before bed.

Hugs,

Danya

Hi Tugon,

...................

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 27, 2009 11:04 am I spent most of today on my job search, finishing only at 8:30 PM this evening. Time to relax a bit before bed.

Hugs,

Danya

Hi Danya,

I thought that everything was going well on your job. What happened?

Also, how is your female identity affecting your job search?

Mac (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2009 12:47 am Hi Danya,

I thought that everything was going well on your job. What happened?

Also, how is your female identity affecting your job search?

Hi Mac,

Things have gone well at my job, but it was time for me to move on.

Any major change in life is bound to produce some stress. By now, though, I'm feeling back to my normal self, which is a good place to be.

I've had no evidence that my female identity is affecting my job search. I'm also working on the assumption that it won't. I need to be confident and I am feeling that way now. There's no sense in worrying about things that are beyond my control.

As always, thanks for writing.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Tue Apr 22, 2008 9:46 am I'm so sorry to hear of your ordeal with your brother. It's hard to understand those who consider themselves "Christians" yet offer no understanding or acceptance, for they don't really get it.

I am a Christian and I do understand that Our Lord taught us to "Love each other as I have loved you" and "Do not judge, least you be judged." Their beliefs are like an Ala-cart meal. They pick and choose what they care to believe in and disregard the rest that is beyond their tiny souls and minds to accept or understand. Woe be unto them, for they know not what they do.

I know exactly were you're coming from, for I too have suffered the same injustices at the hands of my immediate family.

As I have said before, it's their loss, not yours for they will never allow themselves to get to know the beautiful person you really are.

Be strong and pray for them. Their going to need it!

I certainly agree.. they are hipocrites and they could noy possibly really believe what they saw they do.. otherwise they would be expecting Divine retribution for their false but convientient lip service..

Seeing a sex therapist is a great idea. Been to several. But none of them could answer my most basic question--Why do I feel the way I do regarding my transgenered status?

curious69 (imported) wrote: Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:05 pm I certainly agree.. they are hipocrites and they could noy possibly really believe what they saw they do.. otherwise they would be expecting Divine retribution for their false but convientient lip service..

Families can, unfortunately, be sources of much pain for transgender people. I posted on this thread, some time ago, Lynn Conway's response to her own situation with a brother.

Just a few words...

I haven't written in some time because I have been focusing my energy on finding new employment. This is, in many ways, a very difficult time for me.

But...I want to point out that I am still amazed at how happy I am, having transitioned well over a year ago. In fact, in some ways I am even happier now. Something that is quite remarkable given the ongoing stress in my life.

Being my true self also makes it easier for me to handle my unemployment. I have some difficult days, something that is normal for people in this situation.

I also have terrific days like today when a valued friend calls, making a great ending to my 'find work' day.

Danya (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 03, 2009 8:10 am I want to point out that I am still amazed at how happy I am, having transitioned well over a year ago. In fact, in some ways I am even happier now. Something that is quite remarkable given the ongoing stress in my life.

Being my true self also makes it easier for me to handle my unemployment. I have some difficult days, something that is normal for people in this situation.

Danya,

This is an extremely important statement that I hope everyone on the Archive will eventually read and understand.

An important goal in life is to discover who we really are, and then to become that person. Your journey of self-discovery, and then self-realization, has led you to feeling comfortable with yourself and to happiness despite your current stressful situation. I wish everyone could do so well as you.

It is always a joy to talk with you.

J.

There have been other times in my life when I have been forced down paths I never would have chosen to travel. There was the 6-month period when I underwent chemotherapy for Hepatitis C. At that time, the treatment was considered experimental.

For years, the virus had been sapping my strength yet I still managed to complete two graduate degrees. When I started chemo, I experienced side effects so bad that I needed to take short-term disability from my job.

Despite the hemolytic anemia that left me gasping for breath, the high fevers and other debilitating side effects, I continued the treatment. I was fortunate in that the chemo cleared the virus from my blood and it hasn't been detectable since I finished treatment.

It was only after I finished chemotherapy that my doctor told me that the level of the virus in my blood was so high it was considered unlikely that the treatment would be successful. I also had the most difficult to treat of the Hepatitis C genotypes.

So, in many ways I felt myself fortunate. Left untreated, the virus had a high potential of eventually leading to cirrhosis of the liver or cancer. In the end, the difficulties of going through chemotherapy were worth the end result.

In most ways, I consider my current unemployment to be a more difficult road than chemotherapy. But even now, there are opportunities for personal and professional growth. In the midst of all my concerns about not having a job and how it may affect my life, there are times when I find it very difficult going.

On the other hand, there are other times when I feel very much at peace with myself and who I am, Danya. There are some relatively little things that make me very happy, I'm attending training classes that will, I hope, make it easier for me to obtain a new job. When I go to class, no one knows about that other person I masqueraded as before I transitioned. Of course, at my former job this was not the case at all and the difference is very nice.

I'm also reconnecting with old friends and, gradually, making new ones. This is also a very good thing.

When I relax in the evening after a busy and often stressful day at class or looking for work, I curl up on the recliner under some blankets to read a good book. This is hard to explain, but the way I curl up on the recliner reinforces my femininity or perhaps better said, comforts me in the way I feel so at home being me, Danya. I know I've found myself and no one and nothing happening in my life can take that from me. Then I am content.

So I am hopeful that, despite unemployment's 'side effects' of stress caused by lack of my regular income, bills coming due that I may not have the money to pay at some point, isolation from others brought on by not having a job to go to and other factors things will turn out well in the end.

Here in the near-Arctic , we may receive an inch of snow tonight. I am hopeful that it will soon melt tomorrow morning.

I am excited because I will leave Thursday to spend several days visiting Erica Ann. She's such a sweetheart. She knows it is difficult being unemployed and that it will do me a lot of good to have a change of scenery over a long weekend. I can hardly wait! And she's got all kinds of fun things planned.

Unlike my first visit, when I flew into O'Hare, I will be driving. On that first trip I felt like a star arriving at the airport and walking down the long terminal to baggage claim. The ceiling was covered with long lighted tubes of various colors. That was my first flight as my true self, Danya.

I enjoy driving, so while I may not get the same star feeling I will still have fun.

I am spending a lot of time on my job search and I've had three in-person interviews but no offers. This isn't surprising in the current economy where there are an average of 6 applicants for every position. Let's see, that should mean that I will be offered a job after my sixth interview!

From what others tell me, my measly three interviews is actually a lot in this economy for the type of position I'm looking for.

About an hour ago, I submitted an online application to a well-known company in this area. Unlike the first time I applied (but for a different position), I have not received a rejection email within minutes of clicking the Submit button. This may be a good sign! Perhaps I had more of the key words they were looking for this time.

Although friends have advised me to have fun doing the things I enjoy during this time, I haven't listened nearly well enough. I do take time every evening to read a novel and relax. That's something I never had time for when I was working. Now, if only I could find a nice, wealthy husband and become a housewife! I'd have a lot of time for reading. I wouldn't really enjoy being home all the time and I want to work.

I got a call last week asking me to play the pipe organ at a funeral today. At first, I wasn't too thrilled about this although I love music and playing. I practiced Saturday and arrived early today to warm up. Turns out I had a blast playing, which is usually the case. Now, if I were smart (ha!) I'd take this as a lesson that I need to spend time playing the piano and organ.

So, I may spend time playing but what really makes me happy is performing in front of people. Like at today's funeral. Without the listeners it just is not the same experience. Nonetheless, I'll try to get back into regular practice.

Then there's photography, which I also love. I haven't taken more than 20 - 30 photos in the last four months, which is highly unusual. Typically, on one trip to a place like a landscaped garden I'll take close to 200 shots.

Now I can use the excuse that the weather is getting too cold for photography. The truth is, I can take some very nice photos inside. I need to spend some time doing that.

On to other matters. I am checking into getting an orchiectomy. This would cut down on the amount of estrogen I take and eliminate the need for spironolactone. This would save money and, perhaps, also increase the feminization I continue to get. I hope to know within the next week or so if this will be doable.

Been a while

Sounds like your doing good despite the job thing wish you lots of lick in your search

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:15 pm Been a while

Sounds like your doing good despite the job thing wish you lots of lick in your search

It's good to hear from you, Kennath7. Thanks for the good wishes!

Hugs,

Danya

Keep up the positive thoughts and things will start winging your way. That, and being proactive in your job search will get you through, I'm sure. (I know the feeling..I work by "contract work" all of the time and sometimes wind up having to be inventive to get $$$ rolling in.)

I agree about the orchie. After years (and years and years) of not having done anything surgical about it, I've decided to just have it done and be finished with that aspect of life. Previously, $$$ and time have kept me away from it. We'll swap notes thru the winter months on the best search for an M.D., okay?

houndstooth (imported) wrote: Wed Nov 11, 2009 12:39 pm Keep up the positive thoughts and things will start winging your way. That, and being proactive in your job search will get you through, I'm sure. (I know the feeling..I work by "contract work" all of the time and sometimes wind up having to be inventive to get $$$ rolling in.)

I agree about the orchie. After years (and years and years) of not having done anything surgical about it, I've decided to just have it done and be finished with that aspect of life. Previously, $$$ and time have kept me away from it. We'll swap notes thru the winter months on the best search for an M.D., okay?

Hi Houndstooth,

I am generally staying positive, although from time to time I start to feel down about not having a job. Part of what helps me feel better is some volunteeer work. Another critical factor is friends. I am hopeful that I will have a new job withint the next several months at the latest.

I have an appointment next week with a local urological surgeon who will work with me because I have completed the one-year Real Life Experience. It's required of transsexuals before GRS or orchiectomy. What I am hoping is that she will be able to code it in a way that my insurance will cover the cost.

I'm delighted you wrote, and wish you the best.

Hugs,

Danya

I had a wonderful time visiting Erica Ann and her terrific spouse. Erica Ann had been very persistent in her efforts to get me to make the trip and now I'm very glad she was for a number of reasons. I felt completely at home during my visit and I am very grateful for the kindness of Erica Ann and her spouse.

I more fully understand that my biological family is never likely to fully accept me. The contrast between Erica Ann's family and my own, even from before the time I told them I would be transitioning, is huge. You see, prior to fully accepting that I am beyond a doubt transsexual, I had identified as gay. [ASIDE: I've written elsewhere that this is not uncommon among male-to-female transsexuals who are attracted to men. Although I knew deep down that I was transssexual, as a gay therapist suggested 12 years ago, the leap from straight married man to gay man is less than jumping across the chasm of gender change. Being gay never fit for me.] When I got divorced and identified as gay, the way my family treated me first started to change and for the worse. By contrast, Erica Ann and her spouse made me feel like part of their own very special family.

About a month ago, I discussed the possibility of sending my family a letter with my gender therapist. She agrees that, with the exception of my niece, they are never likely to come around to truly accepting me. I don't regret all I've done to try to help them understand transsexual persons or contacting them last Christmas. In fact, after the southern relatives wrote a short note at the holiday, I was encouraged. Since then, however, they have simply not been there when I've needed their support and love.

Many months ago, I quoted Lynn Conway, a pioneering transsexual woman. Lynn had spent years hoping the meager signs of support she was getting from her family would turn into something more. They never did and, after roughly 20 years, she decided she had to let go of them. She also regretted waiting so long.

Lynn made the very good point that holding on was not only painful for her, but for her family as well. Every time they saw or thought about her, they were reminded of the 'lost' person she used to be.

Now, I have made up my mind to write a diplomatic letter to my family stating what I take as clear signs that they cannot accept me. I'll leave them the option of contacting me if they view things differently. In the meantime, though, I will tell them I will not contact them again. I'll explain I am not doing this to hurt them but to lessen pain on both sides.

The fact is, I have found their lack of response to my current difficulties with unemployment very painful. I only heard from the brother who says I raised him in July. This was just a few written words, his first since I told my family nearly two years ago that I would be transitioning. There was no form of address; he did not use my name nor did he sign the note with the usual "Love, ..."

There are others on this site who are part of my chosen family. I'd mention names but I don't want to leave anyone out.

Part of my feeling more confident is probably that I knew without a doubt that Erica Ann and her spouse still enjoyed my company even though I am unemployed. I've sensed with some other people who are employed a discomfort with being around unemployed people. Perhaps they are reminded that they could easily lose their own jobs.

Erica Ann took the trouble to drive her spouse and me to downtown Chicago when we could not catch an early train. The thing is, I am a big city girl at heart. I was born and raised in and near one of the major East Coast cities. I love the energy of huge downtowns and I would place Chicago in first or second place among my top four favorite American cities. Not only is the excitement and energy so evident, but it has world class architecture, culture and museums. The setting of the huge skyscrapers stretched out along the tree-lined, blue-green waters of Lake Michigan is absolutely stunning.

I may have mentioned here that I consider Manhattan to be the center of the universe, or at least of the universe I have explored! I still feel that way because of New York's frenetic activity, its great museums (especially my favorite anywhere: the Metropolitan Museum of Art), theatre, ballet, the Metropolitan Opera, its extraordinarily diverse population represented in many vibrant neighborhoods, the variety of fine restaurants, the excitement on many street corners as commercials are filmed and so on.

Despite all this, and that in my mind Chicago doesn't quite match up in all these areas (although it is close and likely surpasses Manhattan in architecture and certainly in its stunning setting), I would move to the Chicago area in a heartbeat if I had the opportunity. Even though I remain an Easterner at heart.

So, being in downtown Chicago put me in a very good mood. We spent time walking along State Street and Michigan Avenue, where department store windows were decorated for Christmas. The Civic Center, with its huge plaza sculpture by Picasso, had the city Christmas tree in place and decorated. Until this weekend, I didn't think I would put up a tree this year. Now I think I may.

As we walked down Michigan Avenue, we passed Cartier - the jewelers. I was definitely attracted to the huge selection of sparkling diamond jewelry. Little of it was anything I would ever be able to afford but it was fun to look.

Then there was the huge shoe selection at Nordstrom. Several pairs that attracted my eye were over $700 each. Not for this lifetime. One of these very expensive pairs of shoes would have made me look like I had on Cinderella's glass slippers.

Then there were the gorgeous clothes at a number of stores we visited. It was fun to look.

We had dinner at a terrific Italian steakhouse, Harry Caray's. I had the best filet mignon I've ever eaten.

I would not have enjoyed downtown Chicago nearly as much if I had been on my own. Erica Ann made it memorable

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 17, 2009 9:35 am and I am very grateful for th

at and her company. I once again felt like part of the flow of humanity rather than merely a person without a job. That is nothing to be ashamed of at all, but it is a difficult experience at times.

After this trip, I felt renewed in spirit and energy. I hope that feeling lasts for quite awhile.

I learned that I need to get out more even though I have little disposable income right now. Somehow, the trip also renewed my interest in continuing to pursue photography as a potential income source. And I will look for a church organist position, too. Music is one of the most important things in my life and I love playing it.

I may write about this in more depth in a day or two. It's getting late and I need to make dinner.

For now, I'll note that one young couple left me feeling the way I discussed last year when I noticed a young couple at Macy's and how they interacted. In short, I wanted to young man to be in love with me and I would love him. The reality is he was way to0 young for me but he was incredibly handsome and had a dazzling smile which only brightened further when the young woman he was with pulled down her skirt a bit to show the top of her panties.

Unlike the Macy's couple, there was no evidence that the Hunter's couple had ever met before Saturday night. I have no doubt that the flowing alcohol contributed to the couple's uninhibited behavior. The man was still adorable and I imagined him smiling at me the way he was smiling at the young woman. My imagination took things way beyond the smiling stage, too.

I had on my fire engine red and black dress with my favorite off-black nylons and black pumps with 4" heels. I used to wear pumps nearly every day at work but haven't since I became unemployed. It was great to wear them again and to go out dressed well.

Unlike my February visit to Hunter's, I did not dance. That had been the first time in my life I ever truly enjoyed and totally got into dancing. Such is the power of being one's true self.

I may also write more about my renewed desire for GRS. This has never really left me but the trip drove home how much I would like to have GRS. I started to think of how I could still make it happen. It may never become a reality for me and I can still be very happy without it - BUT it would be wonderful.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:15 am I may have mentioned here that I consider Manhattan to be the center of the universe, or at least of the universe I have explored! I still feel that way because of New York's frenetic activity, its great museums (especially my favorite anywhere: the Metropolitan Museum of Art), theatre, ballet, the Metropolitan Opera, its extraordinarily diverse population represented in many vibrant neighborhoods, the variety of fine restaurants, the excitement on many street corners as commercials are filmed and so on.

.

Hi My friend!

Out of my own experience I guess you´ll love Metropolitan even more as a girl than you did as a boy!

I got seasick when I was there as their mats are that thick so your feets move to the side when you put your heel down and being in a pair of high heels you penetrate the mat and go straight on!

Greetings

John

Danya,

We really did enjoy your visit with us this past weekend. It was so good to see you again and to spend some time together. I do truly enjoy your company.

I'm also glad that we were able to offer you a small but intense break from the worries of looking for new employment. It was our pleasure!

I know how difficult families can be from first hand experience, but as we discussed, you have to live your life for yourself and not them. If they choose to come along, that's great, but your own happiness is so much more valuable than theirs and though we may not be biological related, never the less you are still truly my sister and you will always be a part of my family.

I'm so happy you had a good trip! Chicago is a fun place to explore and I'm sure you will have many fine memories of this trip. Wishing you luck with your new doctor. Its too bad they can't just code GRS in some way that doesn't make the insurance people pitch a fit. It seems so dumb and unfair to me but... I dunno.

If GID is a read problem (It is!) why is the treatment not???

Arg!

John (imported) wrote: Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:23 am Hi My friend!

Out of my own experience I guess you´ll love Metropolitan even more as a girl than you did as a boy!

I got seasick when I was there as their mats are that thick so your feets move to the side when you put your heel down and being in a pair of high heels you penetrate the mat and go straight on!

Greetings

John

Hi John,

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:02 pm It is always good to hear from you.

I think, in general, there are many things I like more now than before I become who I was meant to be, Danya. As I've written before, too, my interests are expanding.

Feeling seasick is not a good thing, although I have never experienced it. I do have to be careful where I walk with heels, though.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 19, 2009 12:42 am We really did enjoy your visit with us this past weekend. It was so good to see you again and to spend some time together. I do truly enjoy your company.

I'm also glad that we were able to offer you a small but intense break from the worries of looking for new employment. It was our pleasure!

I know how difficult families can be from first hand experience, but as we discussed, you have to live your life for yourself and not them. If they choose to come along, that's great, but your own happiness is so much more valuable than theirs and though we may not be biological related, never the less you are still truly my sister and you will always be a part of my family.

Hi Erica,

I cannot adequately express how much your hospitality meant to me or completely explain the after effects - why I continue to feel so centered and happy nearly a week after I left to visit you.

As you know, I did send off an email to my family explaining the situation. In short, that if they cannot accept me for who I am it is better to let go. I may write more about this later. I did not totally close the door to a future relationship but I was very clear on the conditions.

I feel free after sending that note. I had not realized the extent to which I was still hoping that they would come through in a way they simply cannot. A therapist once told me not to expect things of people that they are incapable of delivering. It's unfair to them and will only disappoint me when they do not come through. Those were very wise words.

During my visit,

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu May 21, 2009 10:31 am I had more fun than I thought possible

during this time of unemployment. As you know, I was also totally relaxed. Part of that was seeing, once again, the love you and your spouse have for each other. Some of that

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Nov 17, 2009 9:35 am brushed off on me!

Of course,

you are my sister, too and I am very grateful for that.

Hugs,

Danya

mrt (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:52 am I'm so happy you had a good trip! Chicago is a fun place to explore and I'm sure you will have many fine memories of this trip. Wishing you luck with your new doctor. Its too bad they can't just code GRS in some way that doesn't make the insurance people pitch a fit. It seems so dumb and unfair to me but... I dunno.

If GID is a read problem (It is!) why is the treatment not???

Arg!

MrT, my friend,

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:50 am It's always good to hear from you.

We've exchanged some emails lately, too, and those have been helpful.

I've been to Chicago many times, including during my first visit to Erica Ann and her spouse in February. I never tire of the excitement of the city. Yes, I will have special memories of this visit because I was there with terrific people.

My first goal is to find a good job. My state employment center counselor told me today that it may take me another 2 to 6 months! That's been what they've been seeing. Turns out this news was only slightly disappointing. I had already conluded the same thing and, besides, I still feel so good after my visit with Erica that little is bothering me. I know I will make it.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 24, 2009 9:48 am I put in a full day's work on the job s

earch, then I played the piano for the first time in many weeks. I played part of a sonata by one of my favorite composers. I doubt that anyone is interested, but

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:32 am you could probably identify this compo

ser by looking back through my posts on this thread.

As for GRS, I am hopeful I can work things out to have it without breaking the bank. It still may be several years off, if I ever have it. Time will tell. I may luck out and land a job with one of the few employers that does not exluded GRS coverage.

Hugs,

Danya

I just returned home from my appointment with the urologist. My intent was to discuss an orchiectomy, only. We did that, and in great detail. Because I completed the required one year Real Life Experience a number of months ago, I am eligible for the surgery. The doctor is going to try to word things so my insurance will cover the procedure. If all goes according to plan, I would have it done before the end of the year.

The doctor was very knowledgeable about transgender matters, too. [I mentioned the male-to-eunuch transition and she seemed to understand.] She went on to discuss other "corrective" surgery, up to and including GRS. We also discussed children with ambiguous genitalia and their treatment and how the view of the cause(s) of transgenderism has changed over the years. We briefly touched on John Money, MD and some of the now controversial work he did on infants at Johns Hopkins late in the 20th century. All of this was fascinating and was very much a two-way conversation.

But I left her office with a migraine. The reason is, this was my first ever discussion with a physician who has done GRS procedures, albeit on children. I almost felt like we were discussing my own upcoming GRS surgery. That won't happen in the forseeable future and the tension created by speaking with this kind expert, who could conceivably give me what I desire, and the reality of knowing that I cannot now afford it, produced the migraine. I'll recover.

Somewhere during our conversation, she mentioned that with the proper reconstructive surgery, I could even wear a bikini! A one piece bathing suit would be just right for me.

I'm so happy your doctor is going to try to work with you on the orchiectomy and hopefully you will be able to do that asap. Just remember no laughing or sneezing without learning forward for the first week or so. Ouch!

I think I understand a little the frustration your feeling about GRS. It seems very serious stuff just to get into a Bikini but I think its a nice goal to keep in mind.

I think it was of value to me to keep in mind that whatever your doing your making progress. If it was a year ago you would not be able to do anything surgical yet. So, your moving forward and thats very important. Did your doctor say anything about financing or if they had any programs available for people on a serious budget? If not DO ask! There maybe nothing available but one never knows what their is unless you ask. Maybe they have some form of installment plans?! It seems to me that they must have SOME kind of scheme for surgery thats not covered by insurance to make it possible to do it.