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I was late for my own transition team meeting yesterday. That morning, I'd felt some anxiety (not too bad, though) and thought it would be a good idea to do some relaxation exercises before leaving for the office. Particularly since I knew my transition announcement would be made later that day.

Normally, I only do these at bed time because they are really effective! Unfortunately, they were too effective Friday morning in that I started to doze off. By the time I snapped out of it, I knew I'd be late for the transition meeting. I called the office to let them know and the meeting was postponed by 15 minutes. I arrived with 5 minutes to spare.

Near the end of the meeting, I brought up again that I'd wear slacks and nice tops to fit in with the way most women dress in my department. I off-handedly mentioned that I really preferred dresses but that could wait. The women on the team immediately said I should feel free to wear a dress the very first day! I was surprised and pleased by this.

At this point in my feminine maturation (let's face it folks, I'm still learning here!), I can't understand why women like to wear slacks. I can get why slacks would be best in cold weather because I've worn nylons out with a dress when it's been very cold and it isn't pleasant. The weather is warmer now, though. Being in a dress is so less confining and I feel free and very female.

It takes longer to get ready when I'm wearing a dress. I don't mind putting in the extra time at all. The result is worth it.

Skirts and blouses would work well for me, too, although I've found to my disappointment that, for now at least, skirts don't work well. Most of them don't have belts and I've got narrow hips. They have a tendency to keep wanting to slip off! This could be embarrassing at the office.

It is possible, then, that I will wear a dress on transition day. I've been complimented by therapists and my electrologist on my taste in feminine attire, including dresses. Most of my dresses are appropriate for the office and I'm very aware of the ones that are not.

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun May 11, 2008 10:55 am I can't understand why women like to wear slacks. I can get why slacks would be best in cold weather because I've worn nylons out with a dress when it's been very cold and it isn't pleasant. The weather is warmer now, though. Being in a dress is so less confining and I feel free and very female.

In a way, this may be the very reason some women wear slacks. Traditionally, (at least historically) 'feminine' has been the antithesis of both 'power' and 'business'. So, by donning more male garb perhaps women have sought to appear more masculine in the business environment so as to perceive themselves as more equal with the male counterparts who have historically held the reins of power in the workplace.

I'm not attempting to justify either side, just explain why pantsuits seem to dominate when it comes to 'power' suits in the business world.

Congrats on how things are going, by the way.

BossTamsin (imported) wrote: Sun May 11, 2008 4:50 pm In a way, this may be the very reason some women wear slacks. Traditionally, (at least historically) 'feminine' has been the antithesis of both 'power' and 'business'. So, by donning more male garb perhaps women have sought to appear more masculine in the business environment so as to perceive themselves as more equal with the male counterparts who have historically held the reins of power in the workplace.

I'm not attempting to justify either side, just explain why pantsuits seem to dominate when it comes to 'power' suits in the business world.

Congrats on how things are going, by the way.

Thanks for the congrats, IEunuch!

I suspect you are correct on why women wear pants suits and similar type masculine garb at work. The truth is, women are, on average, still paid less than men for the same jobs. I don't believe that's the case at my company. At least there are many examples of highly successful,visible women up through senior management.

I appreciate your observation. I'd expect, and what I read confirms this, that as the months go by coworkers will start to perceive and treat me differently - as more truly female. This is a good thing but I want to minimize any accompanying loss of influence. Not that I'm power-hungry. That's never been a big motivator for me. I do, however, want to continue to see my salary increase!

This gives me more to think about before the big day arrives. Thanks for your very pertinent input.

I worked for a woman who was very slacks type. I think she did this to make the office kind of gender neutral. It was easy to not think of her in a sexual way until she did a review with the offices horniest guy her blouse unbuttoned... and a nipple showing

Which I'm quite sure was an accident because she nearly had a stroke when it was pointed out...

A woman friend from work just informed me that a good friend of hers is a radio producer (I'm not sure what station she works for or if she works independly) who wants to do a documentary on me, of all people! Or more exactly, my life or transition or whatever.

I responded that I'd speak with the producer but cannot guarantee that I'm interested at this point. Perhaps a year or two down the road might be more appropriate, although it sounds like this producer may want to follow my transition experience. I will certainly have lots of questions before giving any serious thought to this. Like does this woman have any clue at all as to what being transgender is all about. If not, can she be educated and do I have the time to do that Do I even want strangers to know some of the details of my life is another biggie. There are other important things to consider, too, like who is the intended audience and what other experience with documentaries does she have. And btw, let me hear some examples of your earlier work!

that is something i would really like to listen to.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon May 12, 2008 8:06 am A woman friend from work just informed me that a good friend of hers is a radio producer (I'm not sure what station she works for or if she works independly) who wants to do a documentary on me, of all people! Or more exactly, my life or transition or whatever.

I responded that I'd speak with the producer but cannot guarantee that I'm interested at this point. Perhaps a year or two down the road might be more appropriate, although it sounds like this producer may want to follow my transition experience. I will certainly have lots of questions before giving any serious thought to this. Like does this woman have any clue at all as to what being transgender is all about. If not, can she be educated and do I have the time to do that Do I even want strangers to know some of the details of my life is another biggie. There are other important things to consider, too, like who is the intended audience and what other experience with documentaries does she have. And btw, let me hear some examples of your earlier work!

I want to encourage you to "think" about doing it but please ask that it be done over a long period of time. These earlier parts of transition are (I'm sure) quite interesting but the whole picture would be great and valuable perhapes to other people in transition or thinking about it. I think one thing that would be great is to "normalize" this so it becomes less news worthy.

Once everyone has a few friends who are "different" it becomes less different and the sooner that happens the better we all are I think.

But I also have to say that you don't have to become the "poster woman" for TS if you feel thats whats going to happen. I think its perfectly reasonable to want to have a quiet private transition and just start being Female on X day.

mrt (imported) wrote: Mon May 12, 2008 8:25 am I want to encourage you to "think" about doing it but please ask that it be done over a long period of time. These earlier parts of transition are (I'm sure) quite interesting but the whole picture would be great and valuable perhapes to other people in transition or thinking about it. I think one thing that would be great is to "normalize" this so it becomes less news worthy.

Once everyone has a few friends who are "different" it becomes less different and the sooner that happens the better we all are I think.

But I also have to say that you don't have to become the "poster woman" for TS if you feel thats whats going to happen. I think its perfectly reasonable to want to have a quiet private transition and just start being Female on X day.

MrT,

I agree with you in that if I do this it will be over an extended period to get the whole picture. I have no problem talking about this with anyone. I was surprised at yesterday's Trans Health Fair (only the second to be held here) that I was more outgoing than many others there even though I went by myself. Such behavior would have been unusual for me as male but as myself I was clearly in my comfort zone. I was even having some success in drawing out other trans women so they'd talk about themselves. I did that partly through sharing some details of my own experience.

As Danya, I definitely feel that the possibilities for new directions in my life are now expanding, not diminishing at all despite the fact that I am middle-aged. One of the things i've seriously considered is speaking out about transgender people, our rights, our lives and so on. My life is becoming richer now.

This may or may not be the right time or opportunity for me to start speaking out about transgender folks. I am most definitely interested in finding out more.

-Danya

I think its worthy of doing and for people who are younger but just have fears of speaking out and being "different" it might be a plus. This whole thread(s) about allowing people under 18 to start transition before being legal adults has really made me think.

And of course this comment made that some faction of the Gay Lesbian world didn't want to include Transexuals. I dunno it all seems insane to me. Maybe a rational example of a TS person would help squash some of this crazy stuff...

As far as dresses and pants go, I can't even remember the last time I saw a woman in a dress (other than maybe in a store ad). They are fairly uncommon, at least in this part of the country. Most women these days seem to shy away from dresses. This is especially true for younger women. I have never seen a woman come to school in a dress, and she would certainly be very out of place if she did. Most women my age wear jeans or skirts. Usually jeans. I imagine when they finally enter the professional workforce they will put on slacks, but I would be very surprised to see many in dresses. Even older women don't wear dresses much anymore. But it is whatever makes you comfortable

plix (imported) wrote: Wed May 14, 2008 9:33 am Most women my age wear jeans or skirts. Usually jeans. I imagine when they finally enter the professional workforce they will put on slacks, but I would be very surprised to see many in dresses. Even older women don't wear dresses much anymore. But it is whatever makes you comfortable

Hey Plix,

I'd be happy with a nice skirt but with my narrow hips they have a tendency to keep sliding down my body so I spend much of my time pulling it back into place. Not something I want to have to do. Where I work there a number of women who regularly wear dresses. In my division, which has few women, only one or two do.

I'm sure I will wear some slacks and I may even (gasp!) wear some levi-type jean-thingy slacks I've never liked jeans and don't find that they're any more comfortable than other slacks. I didn't have my first pair of jeans until I was at least a sophomore in college. Even then, it was only my roommate's goading that got me into them. That and the fact that he gave me an old but not too worn pair of his, so it was free! A very important thing back in those days.

There are so many expenses involved in the male to female transition. Electrolysis is not only painful on the face but on the wallet as well. I'm thrilled with the results so far but the cost!. It can add up to the price of a new compact car. [I may try to do part of what remains on my own - a friend on the Archive loaned me a home machine and I'm going to try it out. It would be an even slower process but save a lot of money.] The fact that I can run my hands over part of my face now and not feel any beard at all is wonderful. It's as if I've been taken back to that wonderful time before puberty started changing me. I am fortunate, in a way, that most of my hair is gray. The thickest areas have been taken care of and what remains isn't noticeable because of the color.

Then there are other possible expenses coming up culminating in another biggie: GRS. I'm starting to feel more that I will want this but time will tell. Even if I get some insurance coverage for this (which is actually fairly likely), I still need to start saving now.

Over the last 6 1/2 months I've been preoccupied with gender identity and I find everything involved fascinating. Reading and tracking down information on gender has consumed much of my free time.

So now it's time to get back to starting up a side business in photography. I was going strong with this until early January when my picture-taking came to a standstill. I will start again this weekend. I really enjoy photography so it's not a chore at all and it can bring in some needed funds. Only if I work on it, though

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed May 14, 2008 12:02 pm Hey Plix,

I'd be happy with a nice skirt but with my narrow hips they have a tendency to keep sliding down my body so I spend much of my time pulling it back into place. Not something I want to have to do.

Maybe suspenders would work? :-\

I am getting closer to the time when I can openly express who I am both at work and out of the office. This is giving me a new sense of freedom that is accompanied by increasing sexual fantasies.

I have mentioned elsewhere how, on low T, I experienced something I'd only read about before. Typical physiological reactions to sexual arousal: rapid heart beat and increased rate of breathing. The first time this happened, I had just gotten in bed and was doing relaxation exercises to help me sleep. I merely imagined a man over me. I almost hate to put it this way because it seems unscientific (educational handicap there!) but it was more like a vision of a man just appeared without my consciously willing it. This man in my vision did no more than start to lower himself over me. That was it, there was nothing else. I didn't have any genital arousal at all but my mental libido and my body's reactions were really strong. Just from a new and exciting female perspective. The experience was very powerful.

It happened again in a sexual encounter with a man interested in dating cross dressers or trans women. He treated me very much like a woman and it was the best sex of my life even though I did not orgasm. It was the excitement and the reactions of my body (heart rate and breathing), experiences so new to me during sex, that made this so wonderful. I've had plenty of orgasms in my life but nothing ever came close to the energy I felt from the visceral involvement of my entire body.

I don't want to embarrass anyone with the details but I am finding it very easy to build this same sexual excitement through fantasy alone and I am fantasizing much more frequently. I'm talking about a no-hands involved type of fantasy, too It is entirely mental. This is one of the reasons I am becoming increasingly interested in eventual GRS.

When I moved from my home in the south I started to see a therapist, who happened to be gay, in upstate NY. I started going to him a year or two after I came out. That was in 1995. I started out by asking him how do I know I'm really gay? He asked a bunch of questions, including did I feel more emotionally connected with men or women. I answered his questions including that fact that I very easily connect on an emotional level with women when I first meet them, much more so than when I first meet men. [This, I realize now, jives with my Archive posts describing my visits to the bar after work with female coworkers. I told them I felt just like one of the girls and that I've never felt that I fit in, emotionally, with groups of men gay or straight. I've always felt like an outsider with men and didn't really understand why. Now, of course, I know.] That 'connect with women emotionally' thing, and I guess the other stuff I said, got his attention. He suggested I might actually be transsexual and I said 'No way', I'm still adjusting to being gay and, besides, I was too old to transition (that, remember was in 1996 -1997 time frame). He said he had a client who was 53 and transitioning. When I write this now it all becomes clearer to me. Even when I was telling him 'No' to being transsexual I was coming up with an excuse on why I could not transition. I wasn't unequivocally stating that I wasn't transsexual. Writing all this out really does help. Not that I need any additional confirmation of things but it does all fit and it's very interesting.

kristoff wrote: Wed May 14, 2008 12:32 pm Maybe suspenders would work? :-\

No, suspenders aren't my style. I have considered making the skirt fit better using a safety pin. Most of the skirts I've seen do not come with belts. If I wear a blouse and let it hang outside the skirt, this would do the trick.

MrT, another wonderful friend on the Archive, did a little research on my insurance carrier. I'd already looked myself but found nothing. It turns out they do cover hormones, GRS and even breast augmentation for patients with the diagnosis Gender Identity Disorder.

I had been a little down about the expense of all these medical procedures. It's not that I've made definite decisions on any surgery but I can now relax knowing I can afford it should I want it.

This coming Monday will be my first day at work as Danya. The outpouring of support from coworkers has been heartening.

Informative meetings were held today for employees who might have questions or concerns about my transition. I did not attend these so coworkers could feel free to ask anything without fear of embarrassing me or being offensive. I've gotten feedback that these meetings went extremely well and there weren't many questions but some lively discussions.

The critical component to make my transition successful was upper management's strong statement of support that was accompanied by clear expectations on how I am to be treated.

This morning, I went to get my somewhat bushy eyebrows tweezed and my eyelashes tinted. I couldn't believe what a difference these quick, inexpensive things did to make my look more feminine. I'm really pleased with the results.

Afterwards, I stopped at my pharmacy and told the pharmacist I am transsexual. I was dressed fairly androgynously. Since I typically use a check card to pay for prescriptions, I wanted to be sure there wouldn't be a problem. I will be presenting as female but using a card that still has my legal (male) name on it. The pharmacist said he already had 3 transsexual patients and that the name on my card wouldn't matter. It seems like transsexuality is really far more common than most people know.

Before heading home, I stopped at my doctor's office to sign a release form for some of my records, which I'll pick up tomorrow. I let the young woman helping me know that I am transsexual and would be presenting as female when I return for the records. I also admired her lips which looked far more kissable than my own thin lips.

On May 29, I will see a doctor who prescribes HRT for transsexuals to see about getting on estrogen. I told the office what information I'd be bringing with me. The nurse said I might very well be prescribed estrogen on the first visit.

This morning I gently let go of my male self and his clothing and from now on I will always dress as myself, Danya. This was impossible before because I had not yet transitioned at work. That comes Monday morning but as of today there is no chance of the man being called for a work emergency.

I am feeling very self-confident and nothing will stop me now from being who I am, a woman. This afternoon, I saw my therapist who hadn't seen me fully dressed as Danya (this was my second appointment with her) until today. I was in the outfit I will wear to work Monday: a very nice dress, new summer pumps I got on sale this afternoon, jewelry that compliments what I wore, off-black nylons, padded bra (I am trying to save money so that padding is tissue paper!) and a nice wig.

My therapist couldn't believe that the woman she saw before her today was the same (male) person she saw last week. Like my U therapist, she was really impressed by how well I pass. She couldn't believe how great the skin of my face looked. This was very affirming. She also said no one would give me a second glance. I had already found that out earlier on my own on my first trip to the mall.

After seeing her, I decided to have dinner at a local restaurant that I frequent. As a man, I was been well known there. When he's eaten there, he was often greeted by name and there would often be his favorite beverage, iced tea, waiting on the table before he was seated. This evening, there were a number of wait staff there who knew the old me. I spoke directly to several and not a one gave even the slightest flicker of recognition.

All of this is very nice. What really mattered, though, is my new outlook on the world. I took a book with me to read while I ate. My old self would always have his nose buried in a book when dining out alone. Tonight, as myself, I took the book with me but didn't open it once in the hour and 15 minutes I spent at restaurant. Instead, I spent the entire time observing people and feeling very much a part of humanity. It's very hard for me to put into words what I was feeling but it was as if the world had opened up to me for the first time. I fit in with these people at last. Finally I feel like I belong. Before, I was off in my corner reading. Now I was participating, if only through very active observing.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed May 14, 2008 12:54 pm I have mentioned elsewhere how,

many years ago, a psychologist had told me my personality seemed two-dimensional. That's because he wasn't seeing all of me but then again I was not ready to recognize who I am. There was the transsexual part, the woman inside, that I was not able to acknowledge. Now I'm out there for everyone to see as a complete person for the first time in my life and very three-dimensional.

Well this may sound silly but

Welcome to the world - as you! Having met you in person I agree that you really should not have serious concerns about passing but its nice I'm sure to hear this from a professional who has worked with other TS folks.

I think Monday will be very liberating closely followed by just being normal and comfortable. Well scratch that I've seen my wifes contortions needed to get into some of her underwear.

P.S. one thing I learned from JR High school Girls. Use rolled up Nylons for stuffing bras... Or was it socks?? Hummm.... Either way have a good day monday and I have my fingers crossed that the 29th goes the way you want it to!

Hummm will Monday be a sort of Birthday?

Danya,

Good luck on your big day.

Mac,

Thanks for the good wishes. I really appreciate it.

MrT,

I will consider Monday to be a second birthday. My original plan was to have a celebration the day before, a kind of open house deal with party food. I was going to invite friends from work, church and others. Then I figured this would be too much effort the day before starting work as Danya. I'll have a party in a month or two, instead, after things have settled down.

Your comment 'Welcome to the world' doesn't sound silly at all. Last night, I felt like I fit in for the first time. It's not that I feel I need to be part of the gang, so to speak, but it was nice to experience a connectedness with other people that I haven't had before.

I never doubted your comments on how well I 'pass', of course, and I appreciate your input. Yesterday, my therapist's response came down to 'Wow' and she emphasized how fortunate I am to pass well. She has no problem telling me when a wig color or style doesn't work for me, so I know her response to my appearance was genuine.

I agree,

mrt (imported) wrote: Sat May 17, 2008 11:28 am Monday will be very liberating

and I expect, and want, things at work to settle down into a normal routine. It's important that I continue to perform well at work.

Getting ready for work will be more time consuming with all of those added contortions required to get into everything .

I had tried rolled up socks for bra padding but never could get that to look right. I'll give your other suggestion a try with a pair of old nylons.

My therapist now knows I will be seeing the HRT physician on the 29th. She told me 'of course your know I'm not prepared to write a letter recommending hormones yet.' I understand that entirely. She has the results of my psychological testing from the U (with the conclusion that 'there's no reason that hormones are contraindicated'). Having only seen me twice, though, she needs to reach her own comfort level with my direction. From what she knows so far, she thinks I have been handling everything very well. She has no major concerns but just needs to ask more questions. I was a little surprised she was not even interested in getting all of my records from my U therapist.

She thinks it's likely the HRT doc will prescribe estrogen based on the information from the U. I will also provide the doctor with the results of medical tests originally requested by the U's physician. After the U doctor got those, she said there was no medical reason not to proceed with HRT. There are always risks, and even more so because of my age, but she said those are manageable with proper monitoring.

Danya,

The drag queens use small bags of bird seed - often available in costume shops, or make your own with nylons. One person I know wanted a small perky set so cut a Nerf football in half and used that to fill the bra

Monday is going to be fine and busy for you - probably whirlwind. Tuesday is going to be a more telling day, I suspect. You'll do fine!

Danya,

kristoff wrote: Sun May 18, 2008 3:26 am The drag queens use small bags of bird seed - often available in costume shops, or make your own with nylons. One person I know wanted a small perky set so cut a Nerf football in half and used that to fill the bra

Monday is going to be fine and busy for you - probably whirlwind. Tuesday is going to be a more telling day, I suspect. You'll do fine!

Hi Kristoff,

I retried the socks method and was able to get that to work well. I have heard of the bird seed method and I would see how that could work well, maybe, to even give a more natural 'hang' to things! OTOH, what happens if a hole develops? I really like the Nerf football idea.

I feel totally at east about Monday and I suspect you are correct. It will be a whirlwind. Things at the office should start to get back to normal by Tuesday at the latest. I have been invited out by several women coworkers for dinner and drinks Tuesday evening. That should be fun.

Thanks for the positive thoughts!

Danya

Well don't go Pamala Anderson with the nylons/bird seed you might have the same problem that the girl in Jr High did when she lost one in the hot lunch line.

As I recall she was quite the dish (for a Jr high girl) and she didn't need giant boobs to be popular...

I wish you luck with the therapist and the HRT doctor. Do keep all your appointments and labs and such. We want you to have a healthy transition! HRT is serious stuff and will do many amazing things to (for?) you...

Get a good nights sleep on sunday and God Bless you! Your a brave girl!