Hello from Ontario, Canada

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Hello. New member here from Ontario, Canada. I post my location because part of why I am here is to see if there are others who have gone through the journey within our provincial public health care system who can offer their stories and advice.

I am (officially now) a senior male who only recently began to consider full nullification - all at ounce, not in steps. A year ago this wasn't even on my mind, but it had crept up on me as a notion and has now become what I can only describe as a "calling." I have no explanation to offer for it. I have moved very quickly from an initial curiosity, to actual consideration, to - having found this site and read that there are others doing the same thing - making my decision to start the process with serious intention. I haven't spent a long time researching and considering, I've just moved forward with a sense that it feels right, and that giving up something so fundamental is actually going to complete me. Now that I'm actually moving from thinking to acting I am filled with a warm feeling of expectation.

My motivation isn't grounded in gender, erotic, fetish, or sexual orientation in any way. I just haven't spent any time considering or exploring those areas in my past. I don't engage in therapy;don't have a related disease; don't have any addictions; and feel satisfied with what will be the finality of my sexual activity and romantic relationships; I am generally content with my life and my journey; I live deeply in my faith; and any traumas I have suffered I have healed from. This isn't to say that these are generalized decision influencers for others, just answering possible questions up front.

I do have "practical rationalizations related to penile complications due to chronic illness and been relatively impotent for the last 18-months, plus I am having trouble "releasing" my sperm at orgasim, and haven't had sex in over 5-years ; and I neither miss it nor do I plan on having it again. Masturbation is happening less and less frequently so at this point my equipment feels less like an important part of my identity and more like a remnant tail from an earlier stage of evolution- just a floppy thing that gets in the way that I have to keep dealing with.

That said, I know that nulloplasty as a solution to these minor issue is like using a hammer to kill any ant.

The irony of this is that I already saw a specialist for a circumcision, consult and after he said I don't qualify, he added, "I don't really do circumcisions anyway, my practice is focused on male genital surgery." So, that one checkmark for the list...

Thanks for listening.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Update on this last post. I've only lived with the serious consideration of this since joining and posting yesterday, but waking up this morning I already feel "deep in my soul" that I have started walking a new path. The urologist I mentioned above, who does genital surgery, invited me to remain a patient, so I won't have to seek a referral. I am calling his office on Monday to book a consult and start the the fact-finding process - whether this is covered my our health plan; what the evaluation process is, etc. Already it feels like I am leaving my genitals behind and walking away...

[wanasoso2]

This is an interresting journey you are presenting here to the community. Keep un posted on your evolution and good luck with the surgeon. it seems comprehensive, which is rare I think.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Thank you for taking an interest. Yes I will keep everyone up to date. I intend to post here as a documented journaling of my journey. That wasn't my original intention when I registered here just three days ago; that intention was more driven by this "calling" I have been feeling taking a step to "peer in the window," to see what I might learn. Little did I expect my learning to be coming so quickly to a decision that - though never really considered before - felt so natural, or that changes in my thought process would happen so quickly. It is day three and upon waking the first thing that came to me is a new self identifying as a eunuch and now as I go about my day that word is sinking in more and more. And it's the closest thing I've ever felt to an "identity" or citizenship. I've been straight, and then bi, then gay, and now saw myself drifting toward being asexual since I have lost all interest in sex or attraction to nakedness of any gender. I find myself repeating "I'm a eunuch." over and over again, at first with surprise, and then as a question, and now it's settling in as a calming mantra.

Yesterday I was thinking through all the practical benefits of this, I guess to try and close off any loose ends. I think physically it will have many benefits day-to-day and simplify or enhance my activities. I spend a lot of time outside, doing cardio sports, and in the backcountry. If I never have to deal with trying to pull back the foreskin on a frozen, retracted micropenis shrunken by diabetes, dulled by neuropathy, with dead fingers rigid from the cold, then that will be a happy time. If I don't have to deal my recurring cycle of a foreskin swollen with balanitis and the pain of breaking of stretched skin from phimosis as yet again I will be relieved. Running and cycling will be much more comfortable. And many other things. And as I push through my 60's and into my 70's I can't imagine what I will have to deal with "down there," as chronic illness and age take their toll. Health wise I may actually be proactively "dodging" a bullet as 3 people in my immediate family have had cancer and I've already had multiple biopsies over my life. Some women have their breast removed to lessen cancer, so why not men removing their testicles? In terms of sex, nothing viewed down the road. As I grow older I lose more and more interest not just in the act, but in long term relationships and am currently working my way through the end of the one I've been in for 10-years, simply because I want to live alone. I think my only regret sex-wise is that I don't put the effort into having it more when I was young and healthy, because it was never a priority for me. Although I had a number of long term relationships they ended through ennui on my part because I could never find it within myself to be fully invested in doing the "form a couple, have kids, grow old together" thing.

So, thanks for listening. Even if no one reads these posts they are useful to me as I can track how my thought process is changing and the insights I'm arriving at. As mentioned previously, in just three short days, I already feel miles ahead on something that was so completely unexpected and foreign to me.

God bless.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Well I followed through. Called the doctors office to request a consult for MtE (male to eunuch) affirmation surgery. They typically take up to a week to reply, so waiting on that, but it's the first step toward a new identity that finally feels like mine. Already I am owning my identity as "eunuch."

I voluntarily began a cycle of abstinence from orgasms about 3-weeks ago, as a notion unrelated to this; to commit to 30-days without masturbation. This was long before this scenario was even an idea. I believe that when we are getting closer to something we are destined for in our gut but can't yet see it, something in our subconscious sets us in motion in that direction. I've had it before when I would start preparing for a job change, or packing for a move, neither of which were expected, but were "felt." I believe that these are the same

Forces at work here - like the tidal pull of the moon.

This is also the longest I've ever gone without masturbating since I discovered how. And I feel the desire to fading from me. Typically after about a week or so of abstinence I start getting agitated and short tempered; my penis starts to get very sensitive to touch - even pumping the edge of a table will set off horny feelings; and I get sexual dreams at night. None of that is happening now. I am only aware of my penis as I am of my toes in my socks. And no change in my demeanour or dreaming at night.

I must be in the right track.

[Valery_V (imported)]

Please take your time!

Try to distract yourself with your usual activities...

For example, engage in sports exercises or just walks.

[no-balls (imported)]

Running and especially cycling are my greatest affirmations for not having a penis.

I can bang the hell out of my crotch on my mountain bike and it never hurts.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Running and especially cycling are my greatest affirmations for not having a penis.

I can bang the hell out of my crotch on my mountain bike and it never hurts.

I hear that. I always seem to have a problem with crunching my nuts in the bike. It will be a relieved not to have to worry about chafing on long hot runs. Long days on the motorcycle will also be a lot more comfortable, I'm guessing...��

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Running and especially cycling are my greatest affirmations for not having a penis.

I can bang the hell out of my crotch on my mountain bike and it never hurts.

Btw, did you go full nullo? I'd be interested in hearing about your journey, especially since it seems like you are an active, sporty person. My life has always evolved around my sports and adventure activities and I don't intend to stop after the procedure. As stated above, I believe a lot of things will actually be enhanced.

[wanasoso2]

I'm standing aside Valery here suggesting that time is important for this kind of decision. Even with good reasoning and afterthoughts as you show them, there is always some evolution that has to be taken into consideration. Many members here would tell you the same thing as I read in the last two years (I am a newby here). For myself it's 10 years without sex in a lovely relation with my wife, and now a desinterest in masturbation. For today I'm in my 33rd days without it, and last year comming back from holidays I did 46 days. It is less an less used in the last two years. But still, even interested in castration for many good reasons as some you expressed, I'm not totally sure if it is the right way form me. I would add that even my sex therapist is not against it, but told me to look a that in an horizon of five years. I tink the time of reflexion and trials is even more important for men without dysphoria. I've been always quite happy as a "normal" man with a regular sex life but life make me evolved and this evolution brings my here as many others their sixties. Which is interesting but at the same time disturbing. For now I like very much to have an empty crotch and by tucking my genitals all day long for months I still feel it good. I'm not sure but maybe I would be ready for a chemical castration try within the next two years and then I'll see. Everyone's journey is different but we all need to be sure when we engage in a non return pathway. My exemple here is just one among many other types, in different ways of taking the right time of reflexions.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Thanks to all for replying.

Update: the doctors office called today and I have an initial screening on May 30th. The doctor runs a separate gender affirming clinic but I don't see nulloplasty listed as an option, but at least he will be able to provide a level-set of what the scenarios look like and point me to other care providers.

I hear everyone's advice the: time and appreciate you opinions. After all, I have made it this far without being a eunuch so what's a few more years? That said, there are some practical considerations that you don't have visibility to:

-as stated before I am done with sex, have no sexual attraction, and no desire to even view erotica of any sex.

- I do have autoimmune co-morbidities that worsen over time, not get better, that nullification would relieve,

- I am no longer in a relationship (officially), and most of my immediate family are dead, and I work at a stable job that won't be impacted, therefore I don't have anyone in my life to negotiate with, seek permission from, or justify myself to. It's just me and my decisions.

I am growing deeper and deeper into my decision with each passing day. Having had to make much more significant life decisions than this one in the past, I am comfortable with how im am growing into this.

There are also time constraints that impact a sense of urgency rather than "sit and think about it:

- there will be a government change by the end of 2024, and it is widely anticipated that the incoming govt will go after transition affirmative procedures as they are a social hot button. If I start the process now, and get in the stream, then I stand a better chance of being grandfathered in, should things change.

- I am pursuing this within the context of our public health system, not through foriegn providers. As such, if this is viable I will be going through all of the counseling and qualifying steps required to get a "yes."

- I have been planning a move to a more remote part of the country this year, but this new decision puts those plans on hold. I want to work within the system, deal with domestically qualified surgeons and nurses, and recover in my own home, witch access to my support network, and then move once everything looks clear. I am not going Thailand or Mexico etc to deal their clinics.

So yes, while consideration is important, well-considered decision making and action are even more so.

Hope that helps shine a light.

God bless.

[no-balls (imported)]

I'm a nullified eunuch.

I spent years trashing my balls, not fully understanding why. I ended up requiring castration surgery.

I still didn't feel right. I had an awakening that I wasn't complete. I required my cock and empty scrotum gone.

I spoke with my urologist, who referred me to a therapist. I very quickly worked with this therapist and had one of my needed clearance letters.

I sought out a second therapist, who I spent some months working with to better understand if I was certain. I became certain, but probably won't ever fully understand why. I went forward with surgery.

Following surgery I felt complete. I like the look and feeling of being male but not entirely. I happily present with nothing in my shorts and I like it to show. I love those sideways glances I get from other guys.

I am on testosterone replacement. I keep my total testosterone 200 - 250ng/dl. because I've had issues with elevated hemoglobin and hematocrit.

I have an active physical relationship with my husband. We both quickly learned the prostate is incredible.

I'm very active. I ride bicycle. I run.

[wanasoso2]

No-balls, your comment is in accordance with my feeling. I also have this desire to a flat bottom and the possibility to show it as on a beach per say. I imagine myself in a gook looking feminine bikini or else with an obvious empty crotch. I understand what you're feeling I guess.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

I agree with your comment about feeling complete. This is part of how I know this is right for me. Within minutes of being here and reading about actual nullos I realized in my soul that I am a eunuch, and immediately after that realized just as deeply that I need to lose my genitalia to actually feel complete and authentic.

Likewise I also am drawn to the look and won't be reluctant and wearing it proudly. I am a naturist and will have no qualms about continuing to visit public beaches and resorts in my new form, and will continue to shower at the pool and gym. If anyone comments I'm happy to put them in their place quickly. If anyone expresses a genuine interest I'll be happy to chat. Never know when someone may be facing a medical issue or otherwise.

I've been thinking about this actually, since I've read that part of the evaluation process is how you will be "out?" This is what I've come to as part of my answer to that question. That I don't intend to hide myself from my normal activities and behaviours for fear of commentary or discovery.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

I am at approximately 30-days abstinence from masturbating or even playing with my gentials - either for pleasure or absent mindedly, given their time without stimulation. I've only touched my penis and scrotum to urinate or keep my foreskin retracted (which I do to reduce balinitis) .

This is the longest I've gone without touching myself or cumming since I was a child and what I'm noticing is quite remarkable (for me personally). Typically when I have gone 7-10 days without masturbation, my testicals swell and become more sensitive and I get the usual "blue balls." Today my testicals seem to have shrank and feel like they are drawing up closer to my body. There is also no sensitivity when handling them - I'd say even less than any average day prior. Likewise, not a single erection, sex dream, leakage, or even subconscious stimulus-seeking through my pants while rubbing or bumping up on things throughout the day from a forlorn penis craving stimulation. I also haven't had to put any thought or willpower into maintaining my abstinence. No "getting through the day" or countdown to when I can masturbate again. It really is like my subconscious mind has already fully accepted this and is changing my physiology. Psychosomatics is a powerful force.

At this point I feel like I may just voluntarily continue this state indefinitely as my new normal.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

"Indefinitely as my new normal," as in until I have my nullification surgery that is.

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

So, I just finished my first consult with the urologist I mentioned. It was a just a few minutes, by phone, but was both useful and hopeful.

He informed me that nulloplasty isn't covered "yet" by our healthcare system, but will be shortly as the system starts to align with the updated WPATH SOC inclusion of eunuchs. As such his clinic doesn't currently offer the specialization, but it is on his radar and he will be offering it as soon as our health system allows it. As such, he invited me to consider him as my (prospective) care provider and reach out every 6-months for an update, and that he would "put me at the front of the line" for the operation when the time comes.

He also concurred with using the interim to prepare all the other evaluations that will be required for validation, but said I would need to find that myself.

So, that's all kind of a big deal. Not only have I got a willing practitioner confirmed , but I have a plan to start executing now. The biggest thing for me was actually saying this out loud to someone - especially a physician. I was surprised by how matter of fact it felt. Like saying I needed to get a boil lanced...

The other factor is that I am now "out" as a eunuch, as my family doctor will receive a report of the appointment, so no doubt he will have questions. So now it's official. ��

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

On another note, I did pass the 5-week mark in abstaining from masturbation, but "broke the seal" one night after drinking too much a party, but that was more of an intentional act rather than something I felt compelled to do from an unmet urge. The way I had been feeling before that was completely indifferent, without urges or unconscious manifestations. Since then I have felt the same way - no need or attention paid.

[WheelyFixed]

On another note, I did pass the 5-week mark in abstaining from masturbation, but "broke the seal" one night after drinking too much a party, but that was more of an intentional act rather than something I felt compelled to do from an unmet urge. The way I had been feeling before that was completely indifferent, without urges or unconscious manifestations. Since then I have felt the same way - no need or attention paid.

It's OK, we'll forgive you for jerking yourself off the wagon..... (couldn't resist)

Congratulations on the medical connection, hopefully the doctor is right about it not taking to long to get the medical insurance politics handled. I will also say congratulations on successfully making that first step of actually telling someone. I know that making that initial call for an appointment was possibly the biggest hump I had to get over when starting on the journey.... (The second was prepping for and doing my first Lupron shot - that mixing syringe is huge and the needle is LONG, not to mention what it meant!)

WheelyFixed

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Yes, just waiting patiently now. Not much else to do but wait and go through the hurdles. Luckily, I live in the biggest city in the country, with the highest concentration of gender affirming care providers of anywhere else (in Canada). This is the place where everyone else with gender/genital modification needs comes to access resources.

My focus now is to get myself into the validation part of this journey, and most groups etc have long waiting lists, so this may take an awhile. In the time that's passed I still haven't had any sexual drive and my penis is pretty much a forgotten presence. I have accepted being a eunuch pretty fluidly and without personal questioning or drama - I just "am," and am getting on with things.

I do see now though, as time passes, how one wants to be rid of these parts and can get to a point of just looking for a "solution," whatever it may entail. When I do think about my genitals now it's in the context of reaffirming my sense that I'm done with dealing with them and wish them gone. While I'm not in a hurry to seek out alternatives outside the medical system, I'm feeling more and more that the day can't come soon enough...

[WheelyFixed]

I agree that the wait for appointments can be frustrating, all I can suggest is to try and get onto as many appropriate 'waiting lists' as you can, and see who comes through first...

I also suggest that in some ways thinking about the psych appointments as being sort of like job interviews in that the WAY you answer questions can be as important as what you answer... I am not in any way suggesting lying, but rather that you think about the sorts of questions the shrink is likely to ask and how to answer them in ways that fit with what is in the WPATH document... I may have been lucky in my experience, but I had two short sessions w/ shrinks that my TG doc referred me to (which presumably meant a strong favorable bias...) and I think I got a very positive response because I could relate my desire in terms that were in the SOC... It probably also didn't hurt that I mentioned spending a lot of time here on EA as evidence of having really done my 'homework' on understanding all the consequences...

Good luck on finding folks to help on the next steps...

WheelyFixed

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

Thanks for the advice. Playing the numbers game with waiting lists is a great idea - didn't think of it that way but it makes a lot of sense. Have been facilitating myself with the SOC, both for alignment, and also to test my own assumptions about my feelings as well.

The content here has been immensely useful. It was my initial readings (of both clinical and personal natures) that led me to confirming my feelings and moving to action so quickly. Why there was no hesitation. Everything just "rang a bell" for me. And at 60, I have enough life experience (as well as less "living" left) that I didn't need to do any more questioning.

I appreciate your interest in my journey. Hopefully the medical system will move to include this procedure soon. In Canada the backlash against many social issues is beginning to build - as in many other countries - so I can only pray that I will still have the opportunity before legislations change to satisfy populism.

Still no daily awareness of my genitalia beyond urinating/cleanliness, etc, and still no sex drive or interest in sex. So, that's what...3 or 4-months now since I've actually started being mindful of these things?

Blessings to you.

[WheelyFixed]

Thanks for the kind words, and I certainly hope you can get the medical system stuff resolved, good luck with that part of things!

WheelyFixed

[Hisgoodson (imported)]

So, now that some months of living with, and preparing my heart for this decision have passed, I feel myself beginning to want to move from being "passive" about waiting for the medical system to catch up for nullification surgery to actively taking a next step and making something happen. As such, I am seeking advice, experiences and opinions regarding possible scenarios, before I reach out to the surgeon again.

His clinic, and my province currently cover orchiectomy and scrotectomy procedures, but not penectomy. So, the question I am considering is whether I can have those procedures done now, and if so, whether that will preclude me from nullification surgery when it becomes available?

Likewise with having a penectomy as an intermediate step, if that becomes available before nullification. And, if I did all 3 in stages, whether nullo would still be required.

Part of why I want nullo is to get rid of everything all at once, plus the aesthetic aspect of it. But I can't find any pics in my research to compare it to nullo.

Anybody here considered the same thing, or gone down the same path, and if so, can you share your opinions or experiences?

Blessings ��

fOrchiectomy

Scrotectomy

[WheelyFixed]

Not as expert as some of the folks that have had full nullification, but my understanding is that there is no particular problem with doing any of the surgeries as separate stages (obviously orchie has to come before scrotectomy...)

I have no desire for a penectomy, and because I have to cath there are definite reasons not to, but have had the orchie and scrotectomy...

The only major concern I've heard is that if a person has a goal of doing a full MtF transition, getting a scrotectomy can limit what can be done in the way of vaginoplasty since that usually 'recycles' the scrotum skin for part of it, however I don't think that is a concern for you from what you've said...

WheelyFixed