My life

[Danya (imported)]

I relearned something important when I was laid off in mid-2009. At such a time, you can feel overwhelmed by worries about the future. It helps to allow a limited time each day to worry, rather than trying to repress legitimate life issues. A productive method is to write out your concerns for up to 30 minutes or so. Then you put your writing aside and proceed with what you need to accomplish that day.

This technique was reinforced by my friends at the Workforce Center. With some practice, it works reasonably well.

I want to be sure people understand this is what I often do here on EA. By writing about my worries about changing medications, a continuing unstable career situation and other things, I am committing my concerns to 'paper.' I am then able to put those worries aside, for a day and sometimes for a much longer period and proceed with my everyday activities unburdened by these concerns.

anya (importe
impor
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all feedback has been very positive

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_____________________

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About a yea

r ago at this time, I traveled from Minnesota to Illinoi

s to loca

te a roommate. Time has flown since then.

[quo

te="Danya (imported)" time=1292939460]
__________________________________________________
[/

quote]
___________

With my GRS date now slightly less

than two months away, I am getting more excited. Of course, I'm not looking forward to the surgery itself

, but the results. I do not expect surgery to dramtically change

my life. I already know who I am. Rather, surgery will widen my life options as a trans woman.

__________________________________________________

____________

My career: what am I do to with it?? I've written about potential career options ad nauseum. I'm tiring of the whole thing so I can only imagine how boring this must be for others. It helps me to write it down.

I decided that it's time to make some decisions both for my career and how I can make my life more satisfying. These are subject to revision as time passes, but I doubt I will make major modifications later.

I will stay with my current career as a business analyst. I can do the work and there are, after all, a number of aspects of this role that match my temperament. In the right organization, I can thrive in this role.

I will be open to other interesting and well-paying opportunities

I may find that fit my background in science and IT.

At this late point in my career, I cannot justify switching to to a path that pays significantly less than I now make, even if it would prove more satisfying

on an emotional level. Not being able to save enough fo

r retirement would add to my stress. This would not help my emotional well-being.

I will take action to improve my prospects for more responsible business a

nalyst roles, including becoming a certified Project

Management Professional. I enjoy greater responsibility and I would also likely get a higher salary. I need to rebuild savings seriously depleted by transiti

on expenses.

I am considering additional strategies to i

ncrease my marketable skills, including learning Spanish and slowly building a side business in technical writing. Bilingual skills, particularly English/Sp

anish, are increasingly in demand for all types of jobs

including some Business Analyst positions.

I will expand my social network through activities like dance lessons. This is something I've wanted to do for ye

ars. Having a number of local friends will make life

much more pleasant. I want to have more fun, too. This will improve how I view my work life. It's all about work/life balance. I have always been weak in this

area. Throughout my life, I have tended to neglect havi

ng fun in favor of studying, working and similar things. I need to stop doing living my life this way.

I will seek out a volunteer opportunity. When I was a

college Freshman, I volunteered Monday evenings at a

state home for mentally handicapped children. As each Monday evening approached, I usually felt like I could better use my time by studying. Once I arrived at

the state home and interacted with the children, my

mood improved a lot. I was then able to study more effectively when I got back to my work.

The hard part for me is balancing social activities with solo passi

ons such as playing the piano/organ and photography. Th

e issue here is the 'solo' part; I am not interacting with people when I pursue these interests. Still, playing music is great therapy and I am a fairly acco[q

uote="Danya (imported)" time=1295153580]
mplished musician. I considered giving up photograph

y
[/quote]
to concentrate solely on music, but I enjoy that too much.

Update after 45 minutes playing the piano, which I still love. My need for friends and socializi[qu

ote="Danya (imported)" time=1294620240]
ng may now far surpass any desire and pleasure I get f

rom
[/quote]
playing the piano or ogran. I've had a growing suspicion this might be true since I purchased the digital keyboard a few weeks ago. I am very surprised by [qu

ote="Danya (imported)" time=1294444140]
this. I may yet give up playing music entirely so I h

a
[/quote]
ve more time for socializing and relationships. It may be too early to be certain, but this possibility saddens me. Playing music has been an important and rew[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1294110840]
arding part of most of my life. My needs continue to

ev
[/quote]
olve as I travel down this transition path.

With photography, I am at least out among people. It's not such an isolating activity as intense music practice.

__________________________________________________

__

In a few months, it will help me to look back at this. For everyone else, this is probably totally boring. I am continuing to evaluate several metropolitan

areas that I might move to, after GRS, should Chicagoland not offer continuing employment op

portunities of the right caliber and in sufficient number. Or if I am unable to find a job soon enough following surgery. For now, I'm limiting my research to:

Number of p

osted openings for Business Analysts by metro area on a per capita basis.

Data derived from

US Bureau of Labor statistics for each metro regios on the number of unemployed people per job posting. This ratio is an average for all job postings, not just IT-related j

obs. Therefore, as with everything else I use in making a decision, I need to use this inform

ation cautiously. As an example, in a metro area there may be one unemployed computer engineer for every 5 openings while there are 15 unemployed people for every sales man

ager opening. This information, by itself, may be useless.

Projected economic outlook for me

tro regions.

Metro regional outlooks for IT-related jobs.

I will continue to track these over the next few months, every week to ten days, to separate trends from tempora

ry fluctuations. I realize that, even taken together, the trends I am tracking cannot offer a

definitive guide. I am not trained in this type of analysis, either.

Since mid-January, it looks like these areas offer much better prospects than Chicago for my career (

the picture may change down the road, mid-January to late February is a short time frame):

Chicago unemployed persons per job posting: 3:1. In Chicagoland, relevant job postings have remained fairly constant over the last year.

Seattle metro region - initially I

thought the Seattle metro region was not significantly better than Chicago. In Seattle, prosp

ects are improving (as business journals have predicted) and there are now twice the openings over what Chicago can offer.

Seattle unemployed persons per job posting: 2:

1 (expected to improve quite a bit over the coming months)

New York metro region: relevant job

posting are 3 times greater than Chicago for my career role.

New York region unemployed persons per job posting: 1:1

San Francisco metro region: relevant job postings co

ntinue to track over twice what Chicago can offer.

San Francisco region unemployed persons p

er job posting: 1:1

Boston metro region: results similar to San Francisco

For my career role, Portland, OR and Washington, DC are not performing as well as they had been.

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

[Danya (imported)]

I ran into my boss today as we both were taking our laptop computers to the lab for an upgrade. He surprised me when he said "it's hard for me to decide whether to spend time on work or life problems." I thought he was talking about work and life balance and responded with a brief statement of understanding. He went on to tell me a little more, including a strong hint that his family was falling apart. He then added that maybe all he could do is allow things to happen, when everything is beyond his control.

At this point, I knew I needed to use caution. With just a few words, I think I let him know that I was sensitive to what he was sharing. It would have been inappropriate for me to say more.

Danya ([

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1296531120]
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________
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________
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__________________________________

Contrar[quote
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="Danya (imported)" time=1295670060]
y to what I posted last night, I realized today that
[/quote]

I cannot give up playing the piano and organ. At leas

t not yet. I will allow plenty of time to socialize a[quote

="Danya (imported)" time=1295153580]
nd form friendships. I accept the possibility that I
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may cut way back on the time I spend playing if, wit[quote=

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h the right person or people in my life, I form person
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al relationships that are more fulfilling than music.

[quo

te="Danya (imported)" time=1292939460]
__________________________________________________
[/quote]
______

I am often a slow learner. I finally realized today that

I am putting too much pressure on myself.

Duh! In these continuing difficult economic times, though, I need to anticipate what I may need to do for my life and career over the next few months and longer, too. As I do that, I need to set realistic goals. Finally, I do not need to write out all of my thought processes here, particularly when it is late and I should be in bed.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi sweety..Nice to hear you...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Dragonfly,

It's always good to hear from you. :

)

I spent 4 hours playing the piano this evening, including working my way through major sections of Beethoven's last paino sonata, #32. As with much of his late output, some complain that this, to me, impossibly beautiful and finely constructed work just doesn't sound like Beethoven. Therefore, these people view these late works as somehow deficient. It some ways, they are right. This piece doesn't sound like what people expect from Beethoven. Late in his life, he was exploring entirely new ways of putting music together. Some thought he was losing it. The results are astonishing in their originality and anticipate techniques not used by most other composers until much later. The second movement is a set of variations. The third variation sounds shockingly modern and anticipates jazz and, perhaps, boogie-woogie.

Unlike the classical sonata and most later sonatas, that are written with three and sometimes four movements, Beethoven's #32 has but two sections. A friend supposedly asked him why the work lacked a middle movement. One report has Beethoven responding "I forgot to write one." Beethoven was not often patient with those who asked him what he viewed as irrelevant, if not downright ignorant, questions. He may well have given a much more scathing reply.

Despite #32's 'reduction' to two movements, this is considered by many to be one of his most perfect creations. It's extremely difficult to play and, although I play parts of it well, I don't have the time to learn the entire piece to play at a recital. Even if I had the time, I doubt that I could ever do this masterwork justice. I have done very well at the few recitals I have given, but I have never publicly played a piece this challenging on so many levels. When I play through it, though, it speaks to my soul.

Still, #32 and I have had an ongoing relationship for many years. I fell in love with this work when I heard Rudolf Serkin perform it at Carnegie Hall. That was my first trip there and I went with several grad school friends. I cannot adequately describe how this performance affected me. Composer, music and performer came together as a perfect whole.

After struggling with 32 this evening, and enjoying every minute of it, I realized I am pushing myself too hard, for the moment, in trying to play this. I need to spend more time getting my fingers back in shape. I tend to be inpatient, though. I doubt that anyone has picked up on this.

Finally, after struggling through Chopin's wonderful Ballade #4, I admitted defeat, but only for awhile. There was a time when I could play through this entire piece with some ease. People used to stop and listen to me play it and other pieces when I practiced in college. That was nearly a lifetime ago. Things are different now, and I need to compensate for some arthritis. I can manage that if I first practice sensibly.

I decided to switch to simpler music that I've carted all over the country but never played. This was a set of blues, jazz and boogie-woogie short pieces. I did not have to struggle at all with these. Although they do not speak to me in the same way as works like Beethoven's late piano sonatas, they have their own charms.

They have another advantage. These are the types of things I could play from memory in public. They are more accessible for many listeners, too. So they may yet serve as con[[

quote="Dan

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[Danya (imported)]

My job, and those of a number of other contractors and some permanent employees, is dependent on certain things happening so that projects can continue. I cannot be more specific than this, because the information is proprietary.

Corporate management expected that what needs to happen would have been done deals weeks before now. They were wrong, although they continue to predict that just about any day, everything will fall into place. Based on how things have played out so far, it is entirely possible they will be wrong again.

When I accepted this contract, the stated length was 3 - 6 months. On March 21, it will be 3 months since I started working. So when my recruiter confirmed that management had informed him my contract might end in a few weeks, I was not surprised. In fact, I was not bothered at all. I wondered again, though, how long I might have to continue moving from one short-term job to another.

It is this kind of uncertainty, and lack of continuous reasonably priced benefits, that keeps drawing me back to reconsider career options. For now, I'm sticking with the career decision I posted a night or two ago.

There may come a point when I feel I must pursue other options that offer some permanence with good benefits. I'll be 60 at the end of the year. As I get older, the likelihood of health problems will increase. I'm not losing sleep over this, but I consider it for long-term career planning.

I will not cancel GRS if this contract ends in a few weeks. By the time I learn if it will be extended, it would cost me thousands in non-refundable dollars to cancel.

Of course, I'd prefer that my contract be extended, with the possibility of continuing work for this company after my surgery. When I budgeted for the late March early July time frame, I allowed for the possibility that I might not be working at the end of this month and into early or even mid-July.

I will start looking for other work now. If I am offered another contract job or even a permanent job I will take it. If I am without work at surgery time, I will start my search again as soon as I return home.

If necessary after GRS, I will

move [quote="Danya (imported)" time=1290

380400]
to another part of the country
[/quote]
for contract work. Preferably to one of the areas that show the most long-term potential for on-going career opportunities.

I continue to rent a room with a private bath, on a month to month basis, for two reasons: to save money and because I accept that I may need, or want, to move away from Chicago at any time. I'd prefer to have my own apartment. That would be more expensive and could tie me down with a lease.

If I move out of state, it will add more stress to my life. Even if I move to a location I consider very attractive.

For now, at least, I a

m not bothered by any of this.

When I am down about the continuing uncertainty in my life, I write about it. Then I feel back to normal.

When I was laid off in mid-2009, I expected that I might not have an easy time of it. I never expected this continuing uncertainty nearly two years later. I've learned a lot about myself and what I can do. I have also learned that life can, and does, continue to be wonderful despite the ongoing turmoil. Whatever my external circumstances, I feel incredibly fortunate. I know wh[

ya (imported)" time=1297814340]
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[Mac (imported)]

Re: Contract job may end in three weeks

................

When I accepted this contract, the stated length was 3 - 6 months. On March 21, it will be 3 months since I started working. So when my recruiter confirmed that management had informed him my contract might end in a few weeks, I was not surprised. In fact, I was not bothered at all. I wondered again, though, how long I might have to continue moving from one short-term job to another. ..................

I thought that your surgery is scheduled for March.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Mac,

The surgery has always been set for April 19.

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______
[/quote]
__________________________________________
[/quote]


I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. So I'm taking a break from thinking about what I may need to do about my career and where I might move for work. After checking with management, I decided to take Monday as an unpaid day off. This will be my first planned time off, that is not a company holiday, since June. I need to regain my equilibrium.

I attended a department meeting earlier this week that drove home an important point that I had only partly, and then reluctantly, accepted as true for my own planning. A company senior VP was discussing how they were working to improve their self-determined under performance in the last quarter of 2010. During that period, they still had exceptional financial returns. Those did not quite reach what they had projected.

So there was a lot of discussion on what might have gone wrong, t

he intense research they were doing to better determine [quote

="Danya (imported)" time=1298514060]
the cause and needed corrective steps. The executive [
[/quote]
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pointedly stated that none of them could be entirely
[/quote]

certain, despite all their best efforts, that any ch

anges in direction they made would provide the desir[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1297814340]
ed result.

This was reassuring, because I have felt a[quote=
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t times that I should be able to better predict my b[
[/quote]
quote="Danya (imported)" time=1296531120]
est path to my career goals, which are still more tha

n a little ambiguous to boot. Actually, I have thought

of two mor

e factors to add to my decision 'tree' for

the metro areas with the best job opportunities. I d[quote=

"Danya (imported)" time=1295670060]
o not want to discuss those here, at least not now. N
[/quote]

or do I want to immediately pursue those as part of m

y own research.

Usually, I feel great when I am taki[quote=

"Danya (imported)" time=1295153580]
ng positive steps for making my career decisions. Ri[
[/quote]
quote="Da

nya (imported)" time=1294620240]
ght now, though, I feel over

whelmed by everything I a[quote="
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Dan

ya (imported)" time=1294444140]
m trying to do. That's

the source of my exhaustion. I
[/quote]
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nya (imported)" time=1294110840]
know I need to take

immediate action to reverse this.

[quot
[/quote]
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Danya (imported)" time=1292939460]
__________________

________________________________
[/quote]
_______

I

spoke with my close Minnesota woman friend Thursday

night about the possible end of my contract job in a

few weeks. She now has a permanent job, at the age of 62, wi

th a lot of responsibility. She has taken cont

ract work before, and knows a number of people who ar

e currently contractors.

There are people that are

fine with contract jobs. For older workers, they can be a goo

d option to gain experience in a variety of i

ndustries related to your role. She started to talk about how

difficult life is for many older contract wor

kers, going into all the gory details including detai

ls of the experiences of older contractors she knows.

At that point, I found I was unintentionally tuning out muc

h of what she was saying. I agreed with her po

ints; I just cannot afford to dwell on them. For now,

at least, this is my work situation and I need to ma

ke the best of it.

I handle economic news the same w

ay most of the time. I choose to ignore much of what

is being said. This is what I need to do to keeping moving f

orward. 'X,' whom I thankfully have not spoken

to or written to in the time since we split, used to

regularly bring up the latest commentary on the eco

nomy. I repeatedly told him I did not want to hear about it.

It's beyond my control and paying too mu

ch attention to doom and gloom news will not help me do wha

t I must. I have a general awareness of the way thing

s are going, particularly the parts that may inform my decis

ions, and that's more than enough information.

__________________________________________________

_______

I ran across several articles last night about difficulties transgender people can have finding work and remaining employed. I already know this. I may have been affected by discrimination trans people can face in the workplace. I cannot afford to dwell on this issue, though, and generally dismiss any thoughts about how discrimination may have affected me or might affect me in the future. I cannot change attitudes and I must deal with the real world as it is. By doing that, I can continue to succeed.

When I visited my HRT physician last time, he happened to mention the problems that some trans people have with employment. He brought this up after complimenting me and the way I have proceede

d with jobs and life. He also said I had made a good decision in

moving to the Chicago region. What still surprises me is that every time we meet, he says he ca

n tell I continue to grow in confidence and comfort in

who I am. I thought I was already there. Seriously, though, I realize I continue to grow emotionally

and that this is very necessary. Transitioning is an

ongoing process that I do not expect to end with surgery. I may well feel that I can better get on with th

e rest of my life, but I will always be growing as a

woman.

For at least the third time, he mentioned not only how well I present as a woman but also how obvi

ous it is that this is truly who I am and that I am e

ntirely confident and capable as a woman in society. He thinks I've got the voice thing down well,

too. [It can be problematic at times, especially when I am congested,

but generally I do not have to think about it.] He's stated before that if he were meeting me fo

r the first time, he would not guess that I am trans.

I truly find that difficult to believe, but I will take his word for it on trust in his experience. I kn

ow that he always speaks what he believes to be true.

He has ha

d hundreds of trans patients over many years. He concluded that, in many cases where trans pati

ents have experienced difficulties with employment, these perso

ns do not have a positive attitude. He gave examples, without names, of course. Some go into jobs

expecting that they will be treated negatively. This

is a big mistake. That may indeed be turn out to be true but it very well may not.

For whatever reasons

that have helped me find work as a trans woman, I am thankful.

Self-confidence is critical. It certainly helps. I know I am fortunate in that my facial feature

s are not strongly masculine. Still, after closely wa

tching women before and in my first months of transitioning, I noted that many women do not have a facial

structure that is anything close to what many in this

country, at least, might consider very feminine. If a trans woman does not come close to a perceived idea

l facial structure, at least in my view there is still hope for

success. Having confidence in who you are is what convinces others much more than appearance.

I can say that I am entirely accepted as a woman at m

y current job. I get no hint that this is not true from a single person. Before a meeting Thursday, a you

nger foreign-born man and I were having an only slighted heated

conversation about the best way to present certain data. Then I went into the meeting room and

needed to plug my laptop's power supply into an outlet

under the table. This same man practically dove under the table to make the connection himself, apologizi

ng that he had not anticipated my need so that I never would ha

ve knelt there myself. I thanked him while mildly protesting that I really could do this myself.

__________________________________________________

__________

Right now, I need to give myself a break about planning my next career steps. Besides, I need to accept that planning will take me only part of the way. I also need to not only accept that I am overdoing things on a number of fronts, but also stop overdoing these things. That's always been difficult for me. I want to do so much.

I haven't been this worn out in a very long time. That concerns me, a lot.

Instead of writing here, where it is now 2:15 AM, I should have gone to bed. I was so exhausted when I got home that I took a four hour nap. I rarely take naps. I cannot remember the last time I did. It's way to late for me to make an attempt at looking for spelling and other errors.

[Danya (imported)]

I find this time to be more challenging than usual, and I've been feeling rather challenged for much of the last19 months. I am unsure if my contract will be extended after March 21, I'm making the final and very large payment for GRS, coping with stopping my antidperessant medication and working through several other issues including how to best approach my career. After yet more research, I accept that I need to consider making some difficult career choices to best ensure my long-term success. I've written enough about that already. My issues with my career are too complex to continue writing about here. I also doubt they interest many readers.

Most of the time, I do not worry about how I will work everything out. When I do worry, I do relaxation exercises to calm down and then I am fine.

I also find encouragement from the stories of a number of transsexual men and women who have successfully navigated times more difficult than anything I have dealt with.

No longer taking an antidepressant is turning out not to be as difficult as I expected. At least it isn't so far. I'm surprised that relaxation exercises are also helping alleviate any depression I experience. So does caffeine!

This afternoon,

I spoke with my electrologist

about my career and changes I may make over time. This just happened to be when she was doing her most painful work, on the area where I will have GRS. She cautioned me to be careful about any career moves during these uncertain times. I agree, although I told her that I am being cautious by not hiding my head in the sand to avoid critical career issues I need to address. She got my point.

So does my close friend in Minnesota.

I'm going to start going to Thursday evening salsa dance classes near the office. The cost is minimal. The classes will help keep me active and I will meet new people, too.

In a few Sundays, I will play the pipe organ for the prelude and postlude at church. This will be my musical debut there.

The congregation has a game evening twice a month that I will attend.

There is a hiking group nearby that I have joined. They usually having something planned each weekend.

What is also helping me to stay calm is playng the piano at home. Although I practice with intensity, that does not cause stress. It helps me become totally absorbed in the music.

To help maintain my focus on the future, and better times, I am working hard on a few piano works with the thought of giving a recital. I do not have any date in mind, but I like the idea of once again giving a public piano performance. I want to include Chopin's Ballade #4 in F-Major. I also like his Ballade #1 in G-minor, but I find the last two pages, marked with the tempo presto con fuoco (i.e., very rapidly and with 'fire'), to be difficult. Particularly since playing the chords requires continuous and huge leaps over much of the keyboard, at a very high rate of speed.

I'm considering including Beethoven's Piano Sonata #30. It's not as difficult as #32 and it has its own unique beauty common to his late works. The first movement has a beautiful lyricism, as do some of the variations of the last movement. Still, it may take more time than I have to master. The last few pages, of the final variation, are particularly challenging although, when played well this final variation has an otherworldly beauty.

I will likely include Bartok's Romanian Folk Dances, perhaps a set of Brahms variations and, I hope, a very contemporary piece.

Many of my recent posts have, I think, been far too long. Responses I get from people tell me this is the case. Things I have recently stated are overlooked. I will keep my posts shorter. If I do not post for a time, it's because I feel my recent post's are tending to be repetitive.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I look forward to your posts...even if I am ever reminded of how shallow my existence is, compared with yours...What an accomplished person you are!

smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I look forward to your posts...even if I am ever reminded of how shallow my existence is, compared with yours...What an accomplished person you are!

smooches

dragonfly

[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1291585560]
Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks for the compliment,

although I hope you keep in mind that everyone's talents are different. No one, including you, can know that your existence is any more shallow than mine. You have your own gifts. Perhaps you do not recognize all of them.

Transitioning helped me to more fully appreciate whatever talents I have and to be less shy about sharing these with others. I am more confident in who I am and what I can do. I'm also better at accepting my many limitations even if I'm not entirely there yet.

At times, I still struggle with an urge to compare myself with others. Before much time has passed, I realize I am wasting my energy.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm glad I took today off. I've been postponing a number of important errands, like sending in my passport application. because I have been too busy at the office. By late this morning, I got caught up on my task list.

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Danya (imported)" time=1298514060]

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Did you ever reflect on your life, and realize that you lived nearly all of it in the wrong gender? Like you were play-acting for 50 years or so? I find this to be my experience...I still can't figure out who or what I am...what I like...Christ, I'm 65 years old...Maybe this is normal? Nah dragonfly (cross-dresser and who knows what else)

[Danya (imported)]

Did you ever reflect on your life, and realize that you lived nearly all of it in the wrong gender? Like you were play-acting for 50 years or so? I find this to be my experience...I still can't figure out who or what I am...what I like...Christ, I'm 65 years old...Maybe this is normal? Nah dragonfly (cross-dresser and who knows what else)

Hi Drangonfly,

I may have suggested this before: have you spoken with a trained gender therapist? At the least, you might find it reassuring to have a professional validate your feelings. Whether you can or want to proceed to some form of transition is something you also might explore.

There are individuals who have transitioned in their 70s. My English trans woman friend tranistioned in her 60s and continues to be happy in her 70s.

I know many people, including some older than me, who are still trying to figure out what they want to be 'when they grow up.' Interests and needs can change over time.

As for me, I think the situation may be a little more difficult because I am literally growing up a second time, on an emotional level.

[quote="Da

nya (imported)" time=1298701740]

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__________________________________ ______________________

____________________________

____________________

At several meetings today, I decided to be more assertive just as if I were a permanent employee. Contractors do not have the same protections as full-time employees. We need to be particularly careful of what we say, how we say it and to whom we say it. It's much easier for a company to show a contractor the door than a permanent employee.

I typically try to get along with people, in a professional manner, whether I have a contract or permanent job. I did not change that approach today. What I did was diplomatically state exactly what I was thinking about certain proposals and the roles of different inidivuals and departments in the project I am on. This went against the prevailing corporate view, as expressed by several people I work for. In the end, they agreed with me.

I was not taking a large risk, in part because of they way I stated my views. What I hoped to get out of this was a feel for whether I might feel more comfortable in this career if I am able to speak freely and know that my opinions matter. I felt good knowing my views were respected and, in some cases, being adopted.

[Danya (imported)]

In the time since I was laid off, I learned that worrying does not help. When I get too overloaded, though, my coping mechanisms can start to fail and then I worry anyway. That's where I'm at now.

As much as I long for a more settled time in my life, I do not know when that will happen. I may yet need to adjust to the idea that it will never happen, at least not in the way I expected for most of my life. I need to accept that possibility and continue to move forward. To do so, though, I need to get out more, get more exercise, have more fun and so on. I must take better care of myself.

I haven't lost faith in who I am and that I can do what I must. I am glad to be living as my true self in what remains, despite my external circumstances, a very beautiful world.

When I have something new to report, I will write again.

[Danya (imported)]

I feel like a fool for just posting that I would not do exactly what I'm doing now. I freely admit I can be foolish.

My initial intention was not to discuss any of this until I know more. I find the whole thing upsetting.

First, a reminder. My physical exam and blood work results are excellent.

Generally, I do not feel overwhelmed. I absolutely do at times. Typically, I am able to calm down with relaxation exercises or with the support of a listening friend.

This morning, I went to a clinic for my pre-surgery EKG. I've had this test several times and it's always been fine. Unlike other times, though, today I felt very anxious. I've already sent in a lot of money for GRS that I will not get back if I cancel. That was on my mind, in addition to my uncertain job situation.

As part of my generally foolish behavior of the day, I asked the technician for his unofficial take on my results. He said, totally off the record of course, that a certain part of the heart rhythm could indicate a problem. I might need a stress test.

As I left the clinic, I was teary-eyed thinking I am so close to reaching a dream that now might be beyond my reach. At least for now.

I returned to the office and called my physician and saw him mid-afternoon. I had copies of the EKG's with me. He examined them and stated that the technician badly exaggerated and misinterpreted the results. He gave specific examples. His opinion was that everything is fine. He also told me I worry too much. He's not the first to have mentioned this. After I briefly reminded him of my financial and career situation, he admitted that he was a bit out of touch with what real world existence is for most people.

Still, he wants me to see the cardiologist he would go to if he needed one. I should hear sometime tomorrow when I will see the specialist. Presumably, the cardiologist will either rerun the EKG or offer his interpretation of the charts I bring with me. He may then want a stress or other type of cardiac function test.

This is working again. Writing out my fears greatly reduces their intensity. This still amazes me.

So, yes, I am worried. Although much less so now that I put my fears on virtual paper.

If I do not get a positive report on the EKG, I will need to cancel surgery. Right now I will lose $5,000 if I do. My overall health comes first, however, and I accept that.

I'm also under a time constraint for getting in the rest of the money for GRS. I am hopeful that my work with the cardiologist will show everything is fine. I am glad to be checking out the EKG irregularity before I sent in the remaining money.

Of course, I research everything. This can be good. It can also be unwise when something like my heart is involved. Anyway, several sources indicate that anxiety can cause this irregularity, as can certain ionic imbalances. I was very anxious during the test.

I have no physical symptoms relating to heart problems. After work, I spent an hour walking around the nearby mall. I walked up and down every staircase in the place, multiple times. I felt relaxed when I finished.

I have no chest or other pains that could indicate a problem. I do not feel winded when I walk briskly for two hours or more. I realize there could still be a problem.

Should I need to cancel surgery, I expect I will need to work through some emotional fall-out. I have the hope that even if I do not have surgery in April, I will another time.

If I do not ever have surgery....I'm not prepared to look at that too closely right now. I do know I will continue to do well and be happy, after some time to process my feelings. I've made it a long way just the way I am, with some electrolysis thrown in.

I did not want to write about any of this until I have more information. At least I no longer feel like a fool for writing this out. I should know if I can proceed with surgery by the middle of next week at the latest.

I want everyone to know how much I appreciate the simple fact that people read my sometimes whiny (the friend I spoke with this afternoon could confirm just how whiny I was today), often wandering and at times boring posts. I'm merely another trans woman trying to make her way through an, at times, difficult life. Many others do the same.

No time to proof this. I will get a good night's sleep every night starting now.

[Riverwind (imported)]

First I guess I need to read this thread more often, so much going on.

I am so excited for you, I am thinking back to that night you came over to Talula's and was wondering if this was the right move for you, I never doubt it.

Everything is going to be fine, don't worry. I know you and that is going to be hard but really its the step you have been waiting for, for years.

Enjoy the moment,

Hugs,

River

[kristoff]

I've done iffy EKG's before, not a big deal second time - do some relaxation calming first. you're too damn young for any of that crap, so chill out!

[Dave (imported)]

...

His opinion was that everything is fine. He also told me I worry too much. He's not the first to have mentioned this. After I briefly reminded him of my financial and career situation, he admitted that he was a bit out of touch with what real world existence is for most people.

Still, he wants me to see the cardiologist he would go to if he needed one. I should hear sometime tomorrow when I will see the specialist. Presumably, the cardiologist will either rerun the EKG or offer his interpretation of the charts I bring with me. He may then want a stress or other type of cardiac function test.

...

I don't comment often but today, I see your nerves and your worries. All dancing around and getting the better of you. That's all this is. He is being cautious and he is allowed to be cautious.

Don't worry so much.

[transward (imported)]

First, a reminder. My physical exam and blood work results are excellent.

....

This morning, I went to a clinic for my pre-surgery EKG. I've had this test several times and it's always been fine. Unlike other times, though, today I felt very anxious. I've already sent in a lot of money for GRS that I will not get back if I cancel. That was on my mind, in addition to my uncertain job situation.

As part of my generally foolish behavior of the day, I asked the technician for his unofficial take on my results. He said, totally off the record of course, that a certain part of the heart rhythm could indicate a problem. I might need a stress test.

As I left the clinic, I was teary-eyed thinking I am so close to reaching a dream that now might be beyond my reach. At least for now.

I returned to the office and called my physician and saw him mid-afternoon. I had copies of the EKG's with me. He examined them and stated that the technician badly exaggerated and misinterpreted the results. He gave specific examples. His opinion was that everything is fine.

...

Still, he wants me to see the cardiologist he would go to if he needed one. I should hear sometime tomorrow when I will see the specialist. Presumably, the cardiologist will either rerun the EKG or offer his interpretation of the charts I bring with me. He may then want a stress or other type of cardiac function test.

This is working again. Writing out my fears greatly reduces their intensity. This still amazes me.

Over the years I've had a number of jobs in hospitals or medical settings. I have sat through several lectures on patient privacy and what you can and cannot say in front of patients, If your doctor is rigorous about that sort of thing, as soon as you left he called the clinic and that tech, if not fired for cause, has, at least, a reprimand in his personal file. His behavior is totally unprofessional. There have been malpractice awards for misinformation given out by support techs. If you are addicted to research (like me) you might look at false positives in ekg's. (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/20 ... 103435.htm)

The study of 500 patients found a false positive reading between 77 and 82 percent in patients screened by electrocardiogram, and a false negative reading between 6 percent to 7 percent in the same patient population. In allocating your worrying time, I would give much greater weight to the opinion of your doctor over that of a tech who wasn't well enough trained to keep his mouth shut when ethics demand he do so.

Transward

[Danya (imported)]

Many thanks to all of you who wrote. I read your messages this morning before heading to the office. I was surprised that several of you kind people responsed. This helped get me through the day. I haven't given up worrying altogether (that may take longer than a day) but I was not as worried today.

First I guess I need to read this thread more often, so much going on.

Hi River, I hope things are well with you.

I am so excited for you, I am thinking back to that night you came over to Talula's and was wondering if this was the right move for you, I never doubt it.

Yes, I remember that night well. Talula and you handed me drinks so I would unwind. A long distance instigator, oops, I mean concerned party, was also involved. That was a very special evening for me. I felt totally accepted and part of a family of caring friends.

Everything is going to be fine, don't worry. I know you and that is going to be hard but really its the step you have been waiting for, for years.

I like to think that no one notices that I worry. Now I c

an give up that illusion.

My friend, although I am doing better than yesterday I'm still moderately worried. I am hoping all will work out.

Hugs,

River

Hugs,

Danya

I've done iffy EKG's before, not a big deal second time - do some relaxation calming first. you're too damn young for any of that crap, so chill out!

Hi Kristoff,

I've never had an iffy EKG before, so this one threw me for a loop. I'm still wound up over this,

although it's not as bad as yesterday. I'll insist that the clinic staff give me 5 - 10 minutes alone time so I can run through my relaxation techniques. They really do work and I do need to chill out.

Hugs,

Danya

I don't comment often but today, I see your nerves and your worries. All dancing around and getting the better of you. That's all this is

. He is being cautious and he is allowed to be cautious.

Don't worry so much.

Hi Dave,

I was very happy when you first posted on this thread. I'm delighted you wrote now with common sense advice. I need to hear things exactly like that now and then.

Hugs,

Danya

Over the years I've had a number of jobs in hospitals or medical settings. I have sat through several lectures on patient privacy and what you can and cannot say in front of patients, If your doctor is rigorous about that s

ort of thing, as soon as you left he called the clinic and that tech, if not fired for cause, has, at least, a reprimand in his personal file. His behavior is totally unprofessional. There have been malpractice awards

for misinformation given out by support techs.

Hi Transward,

I was surprised when the tech agreed to share his opinion with me. I thought he'd refuse. Although I haven't had your experience in medical settings, as he was speaking I thought he was very unprofessional.

If you are addicted to research (like me) you might look at false positives in ekg's. (http:/

/www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091116103435.htm) In allocating your worrying time, I would give much greater weight to the opinion of your doctor over that of a tech who wasn't well enough trained to keep his mouth shut when ethics demand he do so.

Transward

I suspected that you are addicted to research, just like me. There are several reasons for a false positive in this particular region of my EKG. Thanks for including the link to the interesting article.

I like your "In allocating your worrying time...."

Hugs,

[quot[quote="Dany[quote

="Danya (imported)" time=1298937060]
a (impo

rted)" time=1298701740]

[JessicaH (imported)]

I'm sure everyting will be fine on your cardiologist appointment. Please let us know how it goes so we can quit worrying for you!

Very Big Hug,

Stacy

[Caith721 (imported)]

Danya, don't sweat the EKG much, as others have stated. It is *so* easy to mis-interpret certain things on them, and I would always value what the doctor and/or cardiologist says over any tech.

In my case, I have a consistent but VERY slight irregularity in my heartbeat. My GP first noticed it years ago when they obtained a portable EKG machine for their office. Several years and cardiac/nuclear stress tests later and the only thing abnormal about my heart is the over-cautiousness of most anesthesiologists. The last one I spoke with face-to-face before sinus surgery reviewed the entire chart and remarked how insignificant the EKG irregularity was, compared to all the other test results that showed I was in very good shape. I'm currently walking five miles two nights each week, and next month I start walking that route three nights a week.

I seriously suspect you're gonna be completely and totally fine, no worries necessary. I wish you all the success possible and a rapid recovery from your surgery. Good luck and godspeed!

[Danya (imported)]

To all of you who have responded to my 'EKG' post: A big thank you! I never expected this type of response, even though I know there are many wonderful people here.

I'm sure everyting will be fine on your cardiologist appointment. Please let us know how it goes so we can quit worrying for you!

Very Big Hug,

Stacy

Hi Stacy,

In brief, after running his own EKG, the cardiologist said he doesn't think there's a problem. I'll put the details in another post. For now, I

'll just say I am confident all is well.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya, don't sweat the EKG much, as others have stated. It is *so* easy to mis-interpret certain things on them, and I would always value

what the doctor and/or cardiologist says over any tech.

Hi Caith721,

Thanks so much for writing! The ca

rdiologist agrees with what you, and others, have stated.

In my case, I have a consistent but VERY slight irregularity in my heartbeat. My GP first noticed it years ago when they obtained a portable EKG machine for their office. Several years and cardiac/nuclear stress tests later and the only thing abnormal about my heart is the over-cautiousness of most anesthesiologists. The last one I spoke with face-to-face before sinus surgery reviewed the entire chart and remarked how insignificant the EKG irregularity was, compared to all the other test results that showed I was in very good shape. I'm currently walking five miles two nights each week, and nex

t month I start walking that route three nights a week.

My concern was based partly on my last stress test, in 1994. The resting EKG was normal. Because of my family history of heart disease, the cardiologist also wanted a stress test. Toward the end of the stress test, however, the EKG took a big 'turn for the worse.' That cardiologist was very concerned and told me I probably had major coronary artery blockages. A few days later, we did a stress echocardiogram which showed there were no signs of blockages.

The temperatures are starting to really warm up here. Although I took very long walks until November or so at the Chicago Botanic Garden, for the last few months I haven't been walking enough. I will start walking very regularly at the mall (only 1 1/2 miles away) and outside when the weather is good.

A five mile walk sou

nds terrific. Long walks are great for the body and mind.

I seriously suspect you're gonna be completely and totally fine, no worries necessary. I wish you all the success possible and a ra

pid recovery from your surgery. Good luck and godspeed!

After my visit with the cardiologist today, I suspect everything is totally fine, too. I'll give the details, for anyone who is interested, in another post.

Thank you very much for your good wishes.

Hugs,

Danya

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

Sorry that I was unable to offer you encouragement with respect to your EKG and a possible stress test. I have been away for a few days and just read your posts. It looks like you received plenty of support and encouragement.

As usual, best wishes for your surgery and your life as a total woman.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

Sorry that I was unable to offer you encouragement with respect to your EKG and a possible stress test. I have been away for a few days and just read your posts. It looks like you received plenty of support and encouragement.

As usual, best wishes for you surgery and your life as a total woman.

Thanks for the good wishes, Mac, as always.

Hugs,

Danya