Taking the Plunge.....Again

[twaddler (imported)]

By now word should be out that I am on E. I would imagine many people probably guessed this was inevitable. I am happy with this decision so far

Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... . If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon!

E really is hard stuff to kick!

[mrt (imported)]

Hi Plix:

Sorry I've not been around much. I've been working my ass off at a pretty low paying job and dealing with all the day to day life issues. I guess having friends who are transgendered makes me think I "get" it which.... I'm sure I don't but I like to think I do.

I think some people who are transgendered are afraid of what others are going to think about how much work it is to live this way etc. I think having a really good therapist is a good step in helping make whatever plan you have work for you. I guess I've never been a "fan" of the hormone free life. I think its the glue that helps you function or at least it feels that way to me. Who ever said "estrogen is addictive" maybe right. I've always been a tad afraid of that stuff because I think being wired female might be just too much fun.

I know you have said many times that taking Estrogen was a sham because your not a woman but to turn this logic around a bit the important part of taking estrogen is that it will with time make you female. The wiring in your head, physical changes etc. Without testes you have the unique experience of having tried Testosterone and Estrogen and been able to say one is wrong and other feels right. Correct? Or is it a feeling that one is full of issues that you don't want to explore and other is easier? I suspect its someplace in between but I dunno... I'm not you! Ask yourself these questions and I think... If your going to do whatever have it done with a doctors supervision to stay healthy and safe.

BTW for whatever its worth at this late date I don't think you have any problems as far as being attractive to women. I'm obviously not a good judge but I don't see anything wrong with you that wouldn't appeal to the right girl.

Keep "riting" - Mr. T

[Danya (imported)]

As we have talked many nights I want you to date. Then you would encourage me to find someone and I would remind you "been there, done that and got the soundtrack". When you started on T the realization you were straight was at the time very exciting to you. I made poor Danya take us to Hooters so you could ogle some young women. Danya and I were bored.

Dear Plix,

You are a fine young person. I was delighted to get to know you a bit back in those Hooters days, when I spent a lot of time with you and Tugon. I realize I am coming into this discussion rather late and that you have already started E once again.

I am beginning to think that there may be mental/emotional effects to hormonal changes that I simply do not recall. Going back and comparing my posts in those days to more recent posts, I am wondering if there may have been more "life" to my writing when I was taking E. One thing my writing is often accused of is being "stiff" and lacking warmth. On the other hand, it could also have been that I was trying to be female and mimicking what I perceived to be a feminine writing style.

Although this may not be worth much, I very clearly remember how you wrote when you were on E several years ago. I also remember commenting to a mutual friend here that the emotions conveyed in your posts very clearly changed once you stopped E.

Whether or not you were feigning a feminine writing style, there are long-term mental and emotional consequences to extended hormone use of any kind. This is why I urge you to be cautious.

I am wondering if the lack of T is going to bring up gender issues again. I have struggled with the following question over the years: If I do not fit the profile of a stereotypical man, does that make me not male? A few years ago I reasoned that it did, and that the only other option was female. However, I learned that female was not right for me. So where does that leave me? People have said that I appear masculine on the outside, but I do not feel stereotypically masculine on the inside. Certainly my flat affect contributes to the outer masculine appearance. If I didn't have that problem, might I be perceived differently?

If were to take T, would I perfectly happy as male and never question my identity?

Most likely what I need to do is be patient and try to stick this out. I am sure I will be happy with where I am at a year from now. But it is so hard to wait that long

You

bring up several important issues here. For your own long-term well being, I hope you will start finding answers with the help of a trained gender therapist.

Lately I have accepted that just like everything else in my life, my gender seems to be incredibly fluid. I don

't see myself as completely female, but I do not see myself as completely male either. It would be nice if I could decide to switch back and forth at will

Gender identity can be fluid. You already know this. This is one reason why you need to be cautious ab

out self-treatment with powerful chemicals that cause permanent changes in brain function.

Hi Plix:

I think having a really good therapist is a good step in helping make whatever plan you have work for you.

Plix, I agree with MrT. You have written many concerned, thoughtful posts and messages to me. Now I am very concerned for you. Ultimately, you alone are responsible for determining what is best for your life in the area of gender identity and everything else. You make the decisions and also live with the consequences. Have you reached the point of knowing your gender identity, with little reservation? Are there other things going on in you life that may be affecting how your view your gender identity? A good gender therapist will help you sort out what the best choices are for you as you find answers to the questions you raise in your posts.

[plix (imported)]

Congratulations on the transfer. Work can be fun in an encouraging and safe environment. I am glad you were given some compliments about your work. You should have included them in this post.

Yes the barren grey days are here in Ohio. I was recently complaining about how oppressive the sun was during our visit to Southern California. Now I read about your missing the green and realize it is all what we are used to in our lives. The rebirth of Spring is just around the corner and I hope without all the T in your system you are able to enjoy the perfumed airs of spring.

I hope you find the right HRT or lack of that brings you happiness. It is never too late to have a happy childhood. Your happiness is long overdue.

Thanks so much for your thoughts I

do wish spring would come a little faster though

I am and always will be undeniably male, and I've been taking 17-beta estradiol for two years now. It's helped relieve my depression, but that's not unexpected as I've identified as transgendered since the age of seven. It is my sincere wish you enjoy experiencing all the physical and

mental changes estrogen will bring to you. Goo

d luck!

I am glad to hear there are others out there who are male and taking E! Thanks for your kind wish!

If there were a betting pool on this su

bject I'd be a rich man.

Good luck wit

h your recent shift. Is it possible that a certain mix might be right?

It's very possible. I am still working out the details of what is best. Good t

o hear from you!

Oh,

you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... . If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon!

E really is hard stuff to kick!

Yes, there are certain emotional benefits which make E very nice indeed

Hi Plix:

Sorry I've not been around much. I've been working my ass off at a pretty low paying job and dealing with all the day to day life issues

. I guess having friends who are transgendered makes me think I "get" it which.... I'm sure I don't but I li

ke to think I do.

I think some people who are transgendered are afraid of what others are going to think about how much work it is to live this way etc. I think having a really good therapist is a good step in helping make whatever plan you have work for you. I guess I've never been a "fan" of the hormone free life. I think its the glue that helps you function or at least it feels that way to me. Who ever said "estrogen is addictive" maybe right. I've always been a tad afraid of that stuff because I think being wired female might be just too much fun.

I know you have said many times that taking Estrogen was a sham because your not a woman but to turn this logic around a bit the important part of taking estrogen is that it will with time make you female. The wiring in your head, physical changes etc. Without testes you have the unique experience of having tried Testosterone and Estrogen and been able to say one is wrong and other feels right. Correct? Or is it a feeling that one is full of issues that you don't want to explore and other is easier? I suspect its someplace in between but I dunno... I'm not you! Ask yourself these questions and I think... If your going to do whatever have it done with a doctors supervision to stay healthy and safe.

BTW f

or whatever its worth at this late date I don't think you have any problems as far as being attractive to women. I'm obviously not a good judge but I don't see anything wrong with you that wouldn't appeal to the right girl.

Thanks for your response. It sounds like you are having a bit of a tough time, but I hope things are getting better for you.

I always enjoy reading your perspective on these matters.

I'm not sure if I can definitely say that when it comes to T and E one is wrong and the other is right. I think each has its pros and cons. I do hope to even

tually discover more about E than I did the last time I was on it, when I never really took it consistently for more than about five months.

I really hope to eventually have my doctor's supervision. Among other benefits, it is a lot cheaper!

Thanks for your kind words

Dear Plix,

You are a fine young person. I was delighted to get to know you a bit back in those Hooters days, when I spent a lot of time with you and Tugon. I realize I am coming into this discussion rather late and that you have already started E once again.

Although this may not be worth much, I very clearly remember how you wrote when you were on E several years ago. I also remember commenting to a mutual friend here th

at the emotions conveyed in your posts very clearly changed once you stopped E.

Whether or not you were feigning a feminine writing style, there are long-term mental and emotional consequences to extended hormone use of any kind. This is why I urge you to be c

autious.

You bring up several important issues here. For your own long-term well being, I hope you will start finding answers with the help of a trained gender therapist.

Gender identity can be fluid. You already know this. This is one reason why you need to be cautious about self-treatment with powerful chemicals that cause permanent changes in brain function.

Plix, I agree with MrT. You have written many concerned, thoughtful posts and messages to me. Now I am very concerned for you. Ultimately, you alone are responsible for determining what is best for your life in the area of gender identity and everything else. You make the decisions and also live with the consequences. Have you reached the point of knowing your gender iden

tity, with little reservation? Are there other things going on in you life that may be affecting how your view your gender identity? A good gender therapist will help you sort out what the best choices are for you as you find answers to the questions you raise in your posts.

Thanks so much for replying!

I don't think we will ever forget those Hooters days I am still predominantly attracted to women, but I have had occasional feelings toward men. These feelings may or may not increase as I continue to take E. In any case, most of us probably aren't exclusively on one side or the other.

I also enjoyed getting the chance to know you back then, and I really hope we continue to stay in touch.

I definitely appreciate your advice, and I do know that I probably should speak to a therapist. My concerns are financial, as well as the fact that it is difficult to find a good therapist.

I am certainly nowhere near a point where I know with confidence my gender identity, and there definitely could be other factors contributing to these decisions to quit T and start E. I do hope eventually to discover the solutions to some of these problems.

[plix (imported)]

Lately I have been experiencing

extreme moodiness. Much of this is probably due to the fact that I wanted to see what a menstrual cycle was like and was cycling my hormones. I have decided this probably is not a good idea. My moods have been all over the place. They tended to stabilize when I was at a point in my cycle where I was on a consistent dose for a longer period of time.

Gone are the days when I believed hormones don't affect me mentally/emotionally. The bad moods have been unpleasant, but the good moods have been great! There have been many times where I have felt simply ecstatic about life. I am hoping to increase these moods by switching to a stable dose of E.

On the downside, I have a much greater tendency to experience depressive moods and thoughts. Some of these can be quite intense as well.

On the job front, I completed the transfer, but I have still been required to fill in at the old location from time to time. This was two days a week for a while, but starting this week it will only be one day a week, which should make things nicer.

Having spent some more time in the new environment, I have learned that part of my dissatisfaction is indeed due to the job itself. The people at the new place are great and much easier to work with, but there are still fundamental aspects of the job that are a problem. I don't believe my chances of advancement at this job are very good. I do need to find something more suited to my personality. The only problem is I am not sure what would be more suited to me. I do believe, however, that my future is not in the world of business.

Part of it is the drive. I am driving almost 40 miles each way. In this era of rising gas prices, that is not a good thing. When I moved to the big city six months ago, the plan was that I would soon find a new job locally. That has not happened so far, partially due to my lack of putting enough effort into it. But jobs are also scarce right now, which does not help my pursuit.

I am starting to see physical changes in myself, which I knew would eventually happen. I have gotten the occasional strange look, but it is still much too early to determine if those changes are the cause. I do believe I am starting to look younger, and I believe the way some people have treated me recently is suggestive of this. Looking much younger than my true age will not be pleasant, but I will find a way to manage, just as I did before. I have decreased my E dose, simply because things are starting to happen, and I do not want then to happen too fast.

[Danya (imported)]

....

Gone are the days when I believed hormones don't affect me mentally/emotionally. The bad moods have been unpleasant, but the good moods have been great! There have been many times where I have felt simply ecstatic about life. I am hoping to increase these moods by switching to a stable dose of E.

I recall things you wrote here, and directly to me, when you first tried E. Then you stopped E and I was stunned by the difference that made in your writing style. At that time, I told someone here that I missed the 'you' on E. In an earlier post on this thread, you wrote something like you were not certain if you were trying to write in a more feminine style back then. You are a very good writer, but I did not think you could pull that off.

[plix (imported)]

My moodiness has been especially intense lately. The ecstatic moods I mentioned in my previous post rarely make an appearance these days. Depressive episodes have become more intense and last longer.

I am wondering if perhaps I reduced the E dose too much. I am taking 2 mg daily, which based on previous lab work should place my levels around 75 pg/ml. This would be near the trough of a woman's cycle.

There is also the possibility that E itself could be the culprit, and that adding more would make these issues worse. Whether my moods were any better on T could certainly enjoy a good debate, but they were more stable. Some have mentioned in the past that I may need a combination of both E and T, and I also wonder if this may be true. Women tend to have more T than a castrated man.

Is it the hormones, winter, the job, the overwhelming financial problems I am burdened with, some combination of these, or something else entirely? Discovering the cause of my troubles is perhaps the most perplexing challenge of all.

Much of my presently pessimistic nature derives from fears over whether I have a future. Goodness knows I am unhappy with my job, but I do not know what to do about it. Obviously I need a source of income to pay the bills. But I do not know what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. Some people can be content with a job provided it supplies enough money to do what they please in their free time. I, however, need personal fulfillment in a job in order to be happy.

If I were honest with myself, I would admit that what I want to do with my life is to be a professional writer. This is what I have always dreamed of from an early age. I haven't actually written much of anything lately (minus a short story I wrote for a college creative writing class, not since high school), but the dream has always lingered. I've thought about it many times throughout the years and have mentioned it to many people. I am not sure why I stopped writing, but I am disappointed in myself for having done so. Back when I did write, I wrote frequently, and I loved it. I still have most of what I wrote back then. I was not a great writer, but I almost certainly would be a better writer had I stuck with it all these years. I have mentioned thinking about writing since stopping, but this time is probably one of the most intense tries to motivate myself to do it seriously again.

On a brighter note, I am preparing for a cross-country journey this weekend. I depart on Saturday for California, my original home. I am especially excited about this trip. I have been trying to find a way to make it home for some time now, and I am glad to finally have an opportunity. I have to decided to drive because one of the major reasons for my visit will be to haul most of what remains at my grandmother's back home with me. I have a small car and may not be able to take as much as I hope, but I will certainly be able to take more than I would had I flown or chosen some other method of transportation

I do have concerns about my car given its mileage of 113,000. But the car has always been reliable. Before I hit the road, I plan on having it tuned up. Wish me luck!

[nullorchis (imported)]

Sometimes when we have problems spending a little time play acting provides some occasional relief. It is nothing more than pretending, which almost all of us did when we were kids. When we grow up we think pretending is kids stuff. But if we are having bad times, and we pretend that those problems belong to someone else, not us, and we pretend all is well, all is fine, just for awhile, it helps lighten our load.

I'm not talking about living a sham of a life in unreal fantasy; problems do need to be dealt with, managed, solved. But just now and then, stepping out of character, going on stage, looking at us and our problems as though we were someone else, can be a temporary relief, and sometimes even put things into a better perspective.

The mind games we can play for the benefit of our own self are free of charge, no psych couch, no lies, secrets remains safe as we tell no one what we are thinking or doing.

Just a thought.

[mrt (imported)]

Hormones are indeed the wiring that helps make us who we are and many people who are thought to be "depressed" are simply having hormone issues. However its totally possible to have both hormone problems and some kind of mental health issue as well.

I'm probably the guy who suggested that women typically have a fair amount of testosterone. Its just that they have a much larger amount of estrogen. And that our transexual friends who undergo orchiectomy and then go on estrogen alone are missing part of the female mix. I totally get how they equate testosterone with being "male" but being female is about having Testosterone as well. Trust me Mrs T is dealing with Menopause and Testosterone IS a vital part of her sanity AND MINE!!!

Anyway, avoiding "riting" etc maybe hormones. It maybe mental health. It maybe both! Don't be afraid to ask your doctor(s) for help and get it figured out.

Good luck on the big road trip!

- MrT

My moodiness has been especially intense lately. The ecstatic moods I mentioned in my previous post rarely make an appearance these days. Depressive episodes have become more intense and last longer.

I am wondering if perhaps I reduced the E dose too much. I am taking 2 mg daily, which based on previous lab work should place my levels around 75 pg/ml. This would be near the trough of a woman's cycle.

There is also the possibility that E itself could be the culprit, and that adding more would make these issues worse. Whether my moods were any better on T could certainly enjoy a good debate, but they were more stable. Some have mentioned in the past that I may need a combination of both E and T, and I also wonder if this may be true. Women tend to have more T than a castrated man.

Is it the hormones, winter, the job, the overwhelming financial problems I am burdened with, some combination of these, or something else entirely? Discovering the cause of my troubles is perhaps the most perplexing challenge of all.

Much of my presently pessimistic nature derives from fears over whether I have a future. Goodness knows I am unhappy with my job, but I do not know what to do about it. Obviously I need a source of income to pay the bills. But I do not know what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. Some people can be content with a job provided it supplies enough money to do what they please in their free time. I, however, need personal fulfillment in a job in order to be happy.

If I were honest with myself, I would admit that what I want to do with my life is to be a professional writer. This is what I have always dreamed of from an early age. I haven't actually written much of anything lately (minus a short story I wrote for a college creative writing class, not since high school), but the dream has always lingered. I've thought about it many times throughout the years and have mentioned it to many people. I am not sure why I stopped writing, but I am disappointed in myself for having done so. Back when I did write, I wrote frequently, and I loved it. I still have most of what I wrote back then. I was not a great writer, but I almost certainly would be a better writer had I stuck with it all these years. I have mentioned thinking about writing since stopping, but this time is probably one of the most intense tries to motivate myself to do it seriously again.

On a brighter note, I am preparing for a cross-country journey this weekend. I depart on Saturday for California, my original home. I am especially excited about this trip. I have been trying to find a way to make it home for some time now, and I am glad to finally have an opportunity. I have to decided to drive because one of the major reasons for my visit will be to haul most of what remains at my grandmother's back home with me. I have a small car and may not be able to take as much as I hope, but I will certainly be able to take more than I would had I flown or chosen some other method of transportation

I do have concerns about my car given its mileage of 113,000. But the car has always been reliable. Before I hit the road, I plan on having it tuned up. Wish me luck!

[tugon (imported)]

Plix your trip is fast approaching. I want you to have a safe and easy travel. I wish you a good visit with family and friends.

[tugon (imported)]

I wanted to comment on the hormonal issues. My only advice is to choose the hormones or lack of that has made you the happiest and most functional. As you know I am happiest without T. We all have to find our own way. Look within yourself for the answer.

[plix (imported)]

Plix your trip is fast approaching. I want you to have a safe and easy travel. I wish you a good visit with family and friends.

Thanks so much for your wishes I do appreciate you helping me out by changing my spark plugs and air filter

[tugon (imported)]

Plix I was glad to hear you made it to Joplin. What a great adventure driving almost cross country. I hope all continues to go well. I look forward to hearing about the trip when you get back to Ohio.

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

plix - I look forward to seeing you

[tugon (imported)]

plix - I look forward to seeing you

MacTheWolf, Plix is in Albuquerque New Mexico so he is 2/3rds of the way there. What an adventure driving all that way and the country he is seeing.

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

MacTheWolf, Plix is in Albuquerque New Mexico so he is 2/3rds of the way there. What an adventure driving all that way and the country he is seeing.

I live in Albuquerque from 1959-1960, nice town.

[Eunuken (imported)]

I've just received a call from Josh he has made it to Ontario CA, so he has made a 3 day cross country trip.

He is safe and sound.

Ken

[tugon (imported)]

Great job Plix navigating cross country. Thanks for your call letting me know you made it. I worry like a father/mother. You planned the trip well and arrived in the time you thought. Now have a good time and tell your family I said hello. Again a great job.

[tugon (imported)]

Welcome home from your travels. Glad you had fun in California. Glad all your travels went so well. Quite an accomplishment travelling by yourself cross country. Look forward to hearing about your vacation this Sunday.

[plix (imported)]

So much time has passed since my last update, so I thought it is probably about time for another!

Shortly after my last post I went back on T. I have been taking T for almost one year now.

Does this mean I can say that "I now know being on T is what is right for me" and that there will be no more changes? I think we all know by now that does not work with me. There do not seem to be any guarantees when it comes to hormones and me. Changes can occur with little notice. It is certainly possible I could stop taking T again. I have accepted this possibility, and instead of trying to resist any changes in my hormonal plans that might arise, I plan to accept them for what they are if they do come up. However, I do not see any changes to my taking T in the foreseeable future.

In non eunuch-related news, I have a new job that I absolutely love! I had no idea it is possible to feel this way about a job. Working my previous job, I developed an impression that a job is something you cannot stand but have to do every day to pay the bills. While the latter may be true, I now realize it is possible to enjoy a job and look forward to going in every day. The old job was utterly wrong for me, but this one is much more aligned with my goals and personality. I truly feel I am now making a positive contribution to society.

I am in the process of going back to school. Very soon I will begin a graduate program that should enable me to transform the current job into a career. From what I have seen so far, my coursework is going to be challenging, but I am optimistic that the final goal, once achieved, will make it all very much worth the time and effort that will be required.

Given that I no longer have much eunuch-related news to share, I am not sure how frequent future updates will be. I hope that everything goes well for all of the members of our site!

[tugon (imported)]

So much time has passed since my last update, so I thought it is probably about time for another!

In non eunuch-related news, I have a new job that I absolutely love! I had no idea it is possible to feel this way about a job. Working my previous job, I developed an impression that a job is something you cannot stand but have to do every day to pay the bills. While the latter may be true, I now realize it is possible to enjoy a job and look forward to going in every day. The old job was utterly wrong for me, but this one is much more aligned with my goals and personality. I truly feel I am now making a positive contribution to society.

I am in the process of going back to school. Very soon I will begin a graduate program that should enable me to transform the current job into a career. From what I have seen so far, my coursework is going to be challenging, but I am optimistic that the final goal, once achieved, will make it all very much worth the time and effort that will be required.

Given that I no longer have much eunuch-related news to share, I am not sure how frequent future updates will be. I hope that everything goes well for all of the members of our site!

I am glad you found work that you enjoy. Good luck with your upcoming education and your future endeavors.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi plix,

I'm delighted to learn that you now have a job that you enjoy and that you are pursuing your education to reach your goals.

Best wishes,

Danya

[erikboy (imported)]

Good to see you again Plix! Thanx for update. If you don't mind, can you enlighten us about the reasons why you decided to return to T? Emotinal problems? Lack of energy? Anythig else?

[plix (imported)]

It's happened again. I have decided to go off T. I have been on T since March of 2011, so that means it will have been about 20 months this time before changing my mind again. The way I look at it is for me that is a long time. I could certainly be doing this far more often.

I'm still pretty early in the process. I took my last T dose about 2 1/2 days ago. My T levels are probably coming down, but they could still be within normal range. However, they probably will not be there much longer if they are. I have been taking Testim, and unfortunately I cannot seem to find any information on how long it takes for T levels to return to baseline upon discontinuation, but I remember that for Androgel it is five days after the final dose. If Testim works similarly to Androgel, I could expect to have eunuch levels of T by Monday morning. I do seem to be more sensitive to Testim compared to Androgel. One tube of Testim does for me what I needed eight pumps of Androgel to do (which is equal to two tubes of Testim). One downside to stopping Testim is that I will most likely no longer hear that I smell good.

I know that it will take time before I notice any significant effects. I expect it will take at least a couple weeks to see much of a difference. This time I am determined not to take any E. My concern is that I will start getting impatient to see more effects because that is when I tend to start thinking about taking E. I will simply have to find a way to realize that this is going to be a gradual process and that I need to allow things to happen naturally. The good news is that I have no E. It would take about 10 days for me to acquire any were I to order it. I am hopeful that this will prevent me from taking any so hastily.

The lognest I have spent without hormones of either kind is still about three months. I am hoping to change that.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

I know for me, no T is fantastic.. oh there are the disappointments. sores do not heal as fast as before, lack of energy. But the plus side, no interest in sex, no interest in looking at porn. i sortof kick back and relax.. And that seems so decent..Maybe it is because I am an old man to start with. Perhaps it is harder for you because you are still a 20 ager. i love it with hormones, but I am older.. Who is know what is right for a young man.. Do what is best for you.