Taking the Plunge.....Again

[plix (imported)]

tugon and Begonebo

y: Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

Yes, I do suspect love will happen to me again eventually.

My experience with DHEA so far has been a mixed bag. The first few days I took it, I noticed a substantial improvement in the aches and pains I regularly experience when going for my daily walk on a local bike path. I walk somewhere between 5.5 and 6 miles each day, and I definitely feel it in my shoulders and upper back by the time it is over. While those aches and pains seemed diminished the first few days taking DHEA, they have recently returned, so I'm not sure if the DHEA is having any effects in that department. I also felt more energized during the walks on those first few days, but I seem to have lost that as well.

What I am noticing is tender and puffy nipples. Sometimes they can actually be quite painful.

During the first few days of DHEA, I noticed what I thought might be a slight uptick in libido and functionality. That has since disappeared.

While out doing some shopping a couple days ago, I experienced some attraction to the male employee who was helping me. That hasn't happened in a long time! When it does, it's definitely very different from what I experience through my male libido.

Recently, during having lunch with a friend at a local Olive Garden (a place which I've come to love, by the way - their salad is amazing! ), I was telling him a story when I suddenly started laughing so hard that I came to the point of tears, and I couldn't stop. It was noticeable enough for people at neighboring tables to be staring at me.

Also recently, while shopping for a new bed, the gentleman who was helping me asked me for my name. A young girl who seemed to be his daughter was with him, and after I gave my name, she said to me, "I have a cousin named plix!" I told her that was pretty cool, and she looked at me and smiled a big smile. I smiled a big smile back at her, and I think it was the first genuine smile I've smiled in a long time. We of course smile for other reasons, such as when we pose for a picture, but this smile was different. I felt a surge of tenderness and compassion after she said that, and the smile just came naturally.

So what seems to be going on? Without blood tests, it's difficult to be sure of course, but my guess is that maybe the DHEA started to convert to T, hence the greater energy and slight libido/function improvement, but that I'm now at least getting some E in the picture as well, hence the tender/puffy nipples, the emotional experiences, the greater compassion, and being attracted to a man in a way that is different from male libido.

After thinking this over and reflecting on past experiences, I basically had a major epiphany: male though I almost certainly am, I am a much better person when taking E compared to taking T. On T, I am shy, quiet, and reserved. My affect is incredibly flat. I am very soft-spoken. But on E, things are different. I am more outgoing, and my affect is practically the exact opposite. I experience emotions. I laugh and cry more. I am just an overall better person.

The reasons I stopped taking E in the past had little to do with disliking the actual effects of E and more to do with secondary consequences of those effects. There are basically at least one of three reasons why I stopped taking E all the past times I took it:

- I realized I was male and that E was therefore not right for me

- I was

concerned about the social consequences of t

he physical effects of E

- I wanted to have the option of attracting a partner somewhere down the line and realized that being on T would make that much more likely

Notice that not liking the effects of E appears nowhere on that list. Even in the case of the first reason, it was that I felt E in general was not right for a male to take rather than not liking the actual effects of E.

I remain very

concerned about the social consequences of

being on E, which mostly come from the physical effects. I'll always be able to pass as male due to my extremely masculine facial structure and half-bald head, so I don't have to worry about that at least, but somewhere down the line I'd probably start looking pretty strange for a guy. Especially given my job, that could create some difficulties. I'm also involved in the community as well, both at my church and through the hobby-related project I've mentioned. Looking like a feminized male could create some issues with all of those things.

But while the physical effects of E could certainly be undesirable for those reasons, what if the mental and emotional effects actually improved my life? What if I became more outgoing at my job and in my community involvements? What if I developed more patience and compassion? As a whole, I might actually become more likable, even if I look a bit strange.

Admittedly, I think it's more the mental and emotional effects of E than the physical effects that interest me. I don't have any strong desire to feminize physically, even if I do sometimes like what E does for my skin. If there was something I could take that would enable me to look like a man (minus the body hair - that's one masculine trait I do hate) but have the mental and emotional effects of E, I'd be all over it!

Another thing to consider is that I am older now, so E probably won't have the dramatic physical effects it did the first time I took it.

So how far have I taken this taking E again thing? I recently contacted a clinic in the big city to set up an appointment with a doctor. They say they recognize "non-binary" people, so presumably they wouldn't require me to have plans to transition in order to prescribe E. But I haven't heard back from them, so I'm thinking unfortunately I may need to go the self-medicating route again. That route is more expensive (assuming I don't have to pay for a doctor visit or blood work out of pocket), but it is simpler and requires no one's permission. The eventual goal would still be to find a doctor, but I may have to start out on my own.

But all of that is if I even decide to take E at all. The big question is should I be taking it? But I'm not afraid that I would hate the effects. What actually scares me more is that I would like taking E a little too much. Do I like the "me" on E? Of course I do! I love what it does for me. I love having feelings and having an affect that isn't flat. I love being more outgoing.

What I of course have to recognize is that this is most likely nothing more than just another one of my flip flops. Those are of course quite common for me, and in just a short while I'll probably want to go back on T again. Just like before, I'll decide I want to have the chance of attracting a female someday, and I'll realize that being on E pretty much kills any chance of that happening.

More than likely, this is just what I am thinking of as my next adventure after making the decision that I need to let go of the person I love and not chase her anymore. I always seem to need some kind of adventure in my life to infuse it with meaning and passion.

Why would I ever need a therapist when I can figure out these things on my own?

[Begoneboy (imported)]

tugon and Begoneboy:

Why would I ever need a therapist when I can figure out these things on my own?

Plix: Now after reading your remarks I find myself fascinated at your name. Didn't realize it was an actual name out there.

At any rate, you have a great question in why ever need a therapist? You don't! I have a very low opinion of the therapist type.

Mainly because I think they derive some morbid pleasure out of the suffering of others. The task of therapy is nothing more than

to help a person to be able to understand and ask themselves their own questions. It is not the task of therapy to answer those

questions because that would actually be effecting their own opinion onto another. But to help another to be able to ask their own

questions. You have done that. The next step is in the answering of your questions. Since those questions are for and about yourself

you are the only one who can provide those answers. You've already provided yourself with answers to your questions and what you

consider as solutions. Solutions by and for yourself.

You seem to have arrived to your solution of wanting a small certain amount of E and perhaps of T. You can have both one or the other

or neither. If uncut your body produces plenty of T. If cut it still produces some level of T although perhaps not enough for your desired

results. THe same with E. Your body cut or not as a male produces some E. You seem to indicate that you believe you don't have enough

E. Well the good news is that you don't need to jump through hoops to have E. And you can control how much you take.

Just by bio-identical E cream and put a little on your skin and observe. You will know when it's too much and cut down. Enjoy the results

to your desire. Not rocket science this stuff. Search ebay for estriol and you'll be set.

[plix (imported)]

Begoneboy: Plix isn't my actual name - I promise! I have to admit that I'm not a particularly big therapist fan myself. With me though it's probably more because I tend to think they think lesser of those who are "mentally ill" and very likely don't care about those they work with personally but only view them as patients or clients. I also think that sometimes therapy is thought of as a sort of god and that people tend to think that all of your problems can be magically solved if you just visit a therapist. Ideally, I think I would like to be able to switch between T and E at will - have both on hand and be able to take one or the other on any given day depending how I feel. But I'm sure that would be quite confusing for my body! It might even cause me to implode or something! I've already placed an order from my usual source for E pills. They should be arriving in about a week or so. I also did finally hear back from the clinic and have an appointment scheduled with them for Monday the 24th. Should be exciting!

I'm pretty sure that this DHEA is converting more to E than T. Libido and functioning are pretty much non-existent now, and nipples remain puffy and tender. Also, I was wandering through the mall the other day when something unexpected happened. I walked through the women's clothing section of a store when what I saw flooded my senses and made me teary-eyed as I realized how beautiful those clothes were and how I might enjoy wearing some of them. Women are so lucky with the selection of clothes they have available and the colors they get to wear! I imagine that at that moment, I didn't feel much different from my 3-year-old self who pointed out a girl's shirt that I wanted to my grandmother.

Also, my sense of smell has just been incredible lately! When not on T, my sense of smell is slightly improved but definitely not to the extent that it is when on E. When inside a local store yesterday, I was just overwhelmed with all the delightful scents I noticed. I thought to myself as I went down one aisle, "Are you serious? This is what women smell all the time? This is what I've been missing out on?" It was awesome!

Gender has been on my mind a lot lately. I can't help but notice the differences between men and women whenever I am out somewhere, both in how they look and how they act. Most of us are assigned one of two genders at birth, and there is so much in life that is influenced by what gender we are assigned! We are expected to live and behave completely in accordance with this gender we are supposed to be because we were born that way. Isn't it weird?

Of course, I've also been thinking about my own gender identity again, and whether I might be something other than 100% male. But I'm just not sure what to think.

So what if

my ring and index fingers are the same length?

So what if I preferred playing with girls growing up?

So what if I sometimes played with or wanted girls' toys and other items?

So what if I told my grandmother when I was very young that I thought jewelry was pretty and wanted a girl's shirt?

So what if I read or wanted to read books meant for girls?

So what if I always write fiction from a female viewpoint?

So what if I am sometimes attracted to men when taking E?

None of those things, or even all of them combined, make me something other than male, let alone female.

I never once thought as a child that I was a girl or wanted to be a girl. I never had any discomfort with changes to my body during puberty. I had a male libido that was direct

ed toward females. I went back on T

because I wanted the chance of attracting a female partner. I loved a female as a man.

So of course I'm male! Right?

I have to admit that I'm getting more than just a little scared. E is a powerful chemical that seems to be capable of causing substantial changes in one's wiring. What's it going to do to me, especially if I start taking the real thing instead of just DHEA?

[JesusA]

I passed on Post #128 above to my colleague who is a neuroanatomist. He responded that DHEA is functioning as an estrogen analog, so the changes being experienced are very real and are the ones to be expected from it. His major question, for reasons of long-term health, is whether or not some intense exercise, enough to work up a sweat, is also included together with the long walks. He also suggested reading his article Prostate Cancer, Gonadal Hormones, and My Brain for more information. I will send a PDF copy of it to anyone who provides (in a Private Message) an email address that will accept attachments.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

Plix: I didn't mean to presume that was your actual name. I was simply intrigued of the name. To be sure, my mind runs on a different planet than this one. I do enjoy a great conversation and find intrigue (in any topic) to be fascinating in a way that I like to play with it. Which was probably a large part of the reason that I studied electrical engineering during my youth. I was always fascinated by the intrigue of why things should be and at the same time nobody had yet made it so. Hence my past career in research and development. Much like how a dog worries over a bone until there is no more pleasure or mystery in the flavor of it. Once that bone was used up and no more flavor to be enjoyed it became discarded or left for others.

All of the "so what if I/my" perhaps shows a great amount of discretion. It is OK to be a little scared of what we don't understand. Fear is a healthy thing in our lives because it causes us to look further into the topic in order to better understand it. Keep looking in order to remove any fear and you'll do just fine.

[plix (imported)]

Jesus: Thanks so much for taking the time to do that! I will send you a PM so I can take a look at that article. As far as exercise goes, yes - I definitely need to add something a little more strenuous to the mix! I am planning on looking into joining a gym, which will also be good for rainy days or winter days that are just a little too cold.

Begoneboy: I definitely know the feeling of having your mind running on a different planet! Great conversation is awesome. Electrical engineering is pretty impressive! I bet you did some wonderful things with that career.

Am I scared? Very. But apparently not scared enough to reverse course. I still plan to proceed with taking E once I finally have my hands on some.

[fhunter]

Am I scared? Very. But apparently not scared enough to reverse course. I still plan to proceed with taking E once I finally have my hands on some.

I never planned to write about that part of my experince, but well...

I was on estrogen for about 4.5 months or so (it was this year). For the background on this and how it happened.. it goes like this: I was on androcur in 2015 (till january 2016, about 7 months). After stopping, it was kind of a rollercoaster ride (I would not go over it, but I was a big mess for some time )...

After that - summer was okay, but as things progressed into autumn/winter 2016-2017, I ended up in a rather dark place, psychologically speaking (moods/motivation/low energy/etc). There were multiple reasons for that, some signs pointed to the lack of testosterone/low testosterone levels. Local news did not help too .

At some point around late December 2016 I started estrogen. (progynova pills, 2mg/day).

It did help with the moods, energy (and with general well-being too). I stopped due to "hmm, puffy nipples, ok. it's okay, it feels nice... Ô_Ô I've got breasts??!!?!?!??!". (this happened gradually over some time, and at some point I realized I had a lot more than it looked like). So yes, the reasons were similar - potential social issues... The general effects I definitely liked.

So our experiences are close in that.

PS. I am sorry for hijacking this thread.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

I never planned to write about that part of my experince, but well...

I was on estrogen for about 4.5 months or so (it was this year). For the background on this and how it happened.. it goes like this: I was on androcur in 2015 (till january 2016, about 7 months). After stopping, it was kind of a rollercoaster ride (I would not go over it, but I was a big mess for some time )...

After that - summer was okay, but as things progressed into autumn/winter 2016-2017, I ended up in a rather dark place, psychologically speaking (moods/motivation/low energy/etc). There were multiple reasons for that, some signs pointed to the lack of testosterone/low testosterone levels. Local news did not help too .

At some point around late December 2016 I started estrogen. (progynova pills, 2mg/day).

It did help with the moods, energy (and with general well-being too). I stopped due to "hmm, puffy nipples, ok. it's okay, it feels nice... Ô_Ô I've got breasts??!!?!?!??!". (this happened gradually over some time, and at some point I realized I had a lot more than it looked like). So yes, the reasons were similar - potential social issues... The general effects I definitely liked.

So our experiences are close in that.

PS. I am sorry for hijacking this thread.

Don't think you hijacked anything. As this forum seems to be all about helping with better understanding and sharing. To be sure, we all have breasts. Both men and women. It's just a question of how large and how sensitive that differentiates between men and women. If you were looking to only achive some help getting out of a dark place perhaps it should be considered that your dose was a bit higher for the results you desired. Taking less than half the dose you took would not have demonstrated a rapid increase in breast size. Although it may have created some additional sensitivity. Early on so many years ago after surgery I had decided I needed some help with adjusting hormones. I couldn't convince myself to use that which I had delved so hard to eliminate. SO I began with a very small dose of estrogen in about .625 mg per day for more than a year with no signs of breast growth or tenderness of the nipples. I did however notice a great deal of calming and less anxiousness as well as a good deal more energy. So often in our desire for some form of positive result we overdose ourselves. I will admit that later I made a conscious decision that I desired to develop further down the road of presenting more female which is when I went to different doses in order to accomplish that. Mind you that none of this was monitored by the physician. My results were obvious that small doses were helpful when I needed to adjust my mood swings and energy levels which I accomplished with very small doses. ANd at the same time when I decided to change the dynamics it was a simple action of increasing those doses.

It's all in what we want to accomplish

[fhunter]

-----8<------8<-----

If you were looking to only achive some help getting out of a dark place perhaps it should be considered that your dose was a bit higher for the results you desired. Taking less than half the dose you took would not have demonstrated a rapid increase in breast size. Although it may have created some additional sensitivity. Early on so many years ago after surgery I had decided I needed some help with adjusting hormones. I couldn't convince myself to use that which I had delved so hard to eliminate. SO I began with a very small dose of estrogen in about .625 mg per day for more than a year with no signs of breast growth or tenderness of the nipples. I did however notice a great deal of calming and less anxiousness as well as a good deal more energy. So often in our desire for some form of positive result we overdose ourselves. I will admit that later I made a conscious decision that I desired to develop further down the road of presenting more female which is when I went to different doses in order to accomplish that. Mind you that none of this was monitored by the physician. My results were obvious that small doses were helpful when I needed to adjust my mood swings and energy levels which I accomplished with very small doses. ANd at the same time when I decided to change the dynamics it was a simple action of increasing those doses.

It's all in what we want to accomplish

Sigh... What I used was what I found I could get here reliably, repeatably and with reasonable price (and over the counter, that matters, cause no, I was not monitored by a doctor). And I thought that the dose was low-ish.

Breast development... I am not sure how much I have currently, the size is less now, but I can still see it. Sensitivity went down too, after stopping estrogen. The size is probably under A-cup, but still slightly visible with stretchy t-shirt or something of that type. Nothing too out of the ordinary, thankfully.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

Sigh... What I used was what I found I could get here reliably, repeatably and with reasonable price (and over the counter, that matters, cause no, I was not monitored by a doctor). And I thought that the dose was low-ish.

Breast development... I am not sure how much I have currently, the size is less now, but I can still see it. Sensitivity went down too, after stopping estrogen. The size is probably under A-cup, but still slightly visible with stretchy t-shirt or something of that type. Nothing too out of the ordinary, thankfully.

yeah I have a great appreciation for easily accessible products. I looked on the in house pharmacy and they indeed cary what you took in .625 mg tablets. Perhaps you might consider that much lower dose in the future. And of course their listed price for the lower dose was considerably less money

[Tany Squirrel (imported)]

Plix:

The main problem about being human...is being human. There are no perfect constructs of what it is to be soley male or soley female. there are shades in between.

Life is about the discovery of self, and through that, the discovery of others. I appreciate you sharing your trials, joys and sorrows with us. Life , like problems is like a multifaceted gem. Each facet is a solution to the problem, but only one may truly fit . If we take the time (with a lot of patience) who we are will certainly be revealed to our selves. Introspection and retrospection are good tools, but should never be used to flog ourselves for any shortcomings that we feel we have about our perceived image of self. It may be months, weeks or maybe even years, but you will eventually come to balance.

It is with the acceptance of our true selves, that we find peace and that balance, the filling of a void that we have. It is about finding contentment.

Look in the mirror and ponder on your existence. Gaze thoughtfully at your own reflection. Are you happy with the image that you see? Yes? No? if no, why not?

Is it physical? Is it spiritual?

No one is perfect, or without flaw. It is looking into self and embracing who we are or who we perceive ourselves to be. One should not try to live up to the norm of what a particular gender is. It is ever-flowing, from one to the next from person to person. Like many colors of crayons in one box. They are all crayons, yet, they are all different shades. Embrace being alive, embrace being human. Society tries to fit us all into tidy little boxes, with pretty little labels on them to describe what it is in each box. "its unnatural for a man to cry"~ False. These are the things they try to teach little boys to "normalize" them in society to shield them from ridicule, but in reality it perpetuates the social "norms" Rinse and repeat, generationally.

There is no shame in being unique. There is no issue with being different. You, and only you can accept that, for yourself. Discover yourself, take the time. Go on your nature walks you like and revel yourself in the beauty around you. And as you do, revel in the creation you are, in all of your magnificence. There is no sliding scale of life that we should measure ourselves up to. It is fluid, just as gender can be.

Not only is it important to "stop and smell the roses" as the old adage goes, but also stop and admire their beauty. Do what makes you happy, what makes you content. When we fill ourselves with joys, there is no room for sorrows. When one is full of joy, they radiate their happiness like rays of sunlight.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

Jesus: Thanks so much for taking the time to do that! I will send you a PM so I can take a look at that article. As far as exercise goes, yes - I definitely need to add something a little more strenuous to the mix! I am planning on looking into joining a gym, which will also be good for rainy days or winter days that are just a little too cold.

Begoneboy: I definitely know the feeling of having your mind running on a different planet! Great conversation is awesome. Electrical engineering is pretty impressive! I bet you did some wonderful things with that career.

Am I scared? Very. But apparently not scared enough to reverse course. I still plan to proceed with taking E once I finally have my hands on some.

Yes Plix, I had a lot of fun in that career and made a few wonderful contributions to what will one day become the norm in society on the energy front. And as Tany Squirrel remarked, we are all unique if we'll allow ourselves to be so. Don't dwell on the opinions of others. Your opinions about yourself are all that should matter to you. While I may have bowed to social pressure of society having some need to place me into some bi-gender pigeon hole by presenting mostly female, in the end it hasn't changed my opinion of myself in my minds eye. I see me for me and not for others. Others see what/who they want to see. You'll get to exactly where you want to be. Just be you along the journey. After all, nobody is inhaling air into your lungs. Only you can do that!

[plix (imported)]

fhunter: No worries about the hijacking concerns! If it were me and it were someone else's blog, I'd probably start a new thread if I wanted to have an extended conversation about my own experiences just out of a desire to be kind and polite, but I think just the sharing of one's own experiences is to be expected in a blog and can even be very helpful to the person who the blog belongs to as well as others! So thanks so much for sharing! Having not enough hormones in your system (whether E or T) can definitely lead to dark places. I've been there - had a really bad crash earlier this year when I stopped taking T. Wishes to die, suicidal thoughts, and all! Yep, concern over breast growth is my number one worry when it comes to taking E, both for social reasons and because I'm worried that if I decide I want to look more masculine again in the future, I'll regret the breast development. I can't remember - how do you identify in terms of gender? I definitely understand the trials of self-medicating, though I'm hoping that will be changing as of Monday.

Tany Squirrel: Absolutely! As you'll see below, I still have a long way to go with accepting my true self though.

Begoneboy: I think that is one way in which we achieve immortality - leaving our mark on the world in a way that outlasts our lives. Your words are definitely true, but it's much harder for feminine males to be accepted by society than the other way around, especially when it comes to things like working with children and the like.

Well, my E arrived today. To E or not to E, that is the question

This last week has seen my gender identity shift violently back and forth. I've gone in a matter of hours from feeling very feminine and finding men attractive to feeling like someone who is definitely male, sexual thoughts about women included, and is going to end up freakishly feminized.

I'm not sure why gender has suddenly become such a big issue for me. Maybe because I'm getting E in my system from the DHEA? I know that when I am on T, I generally feel contentedly masculine and don't think about gender much, although I do realize how effeminate I am for a man and still feel very uncomfortable with the male gender role.

I've felt a bit moody at times as I try to sort this gender issue out. What am I? I wish I knew.

Maybe it's just that I don't have a woman in my life, some might say. Yep, maybe that's what it is. Maybe if I found someone to marry, I'd suddenly click with the big, strong protector role that I've never identified with. Maybe I'd suddenly be the guy who owns a set of tools and fixes everything around the house.

But you know what? I gave up the chance to be a traditional man with a traditional family 12 years ago when I had my balls cut off. Even if I could find a woman who could accept not only my feminine tendencies but also my much-less-than-masculine looks, I'd still have the issue of not being able to have biological children, so it wouldn't be a traditional family.

Or maybe it's that I've somehow screwed up my brain from the lack of consistent exposure to T all these years and the occasional exposure to E. If I had never been castrated, would my brain have sufficiently masculinized by now from all that T over the years to the point where I would feel just as manly as any other man? I'd certainly look as manly, that's for sure! Or maybe taking the E before messed things up? Many guys who are sensitive, gentle, or nerdy as boys grow up to be perfectly normal men, perhaps due to the effects of T on the brain over the years.

Yes, I know that I am definitely more feminine than I give myself credit for. But what does that make me other than just an effeminate male? I did some googling and found out that "effeminate straight man" is apparently a well-known term. But these men don't question their maleness. So why do I?

Others also know I am more feminine than I give myself credit for. I've had others tell

me that I should have been a woman,

and I've known that myself for years. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I'd choose female if I could go back and pick how I was born. But "should have been a woman" is very different from actually being a woman or even actually being

something other than male. I could cer

tainly just be a man who thinks he should have been a woman.

My mother used to tell me when my sister was growing up that I along with my brother would "screen" her potential dates when she reached dating age. Did I want her to date someone who would treat her well? Of course. But I didn't have any desire to be that male, brotherly protector I suppose a guy should have.

My sister was also raped when she was 12 by my cousin who was 14 at the time (he committed additional crimes with another underage girl later and is now a registered sex offender). Most guys, I suppose, would want to go and rip his head off if that were their sister. Am I upset about what he did? Of course! But do I feel that male rage to go and hurt him through some kind of protective/vengeful act? Not really.

I guess I've just never identified with the male role. But am I just someone who can't accept that he is an effeminate male and therefore thinks he needs to identify as something other than male? Or is there really more to it?

Chances are, if I were honest with myself, I'd find that I have both a masculine and feminine side to my gender identity, even if the latter really was only induced through castration and taking E. T seems to bring out the masculine in me, and E seems to bring out the feminine.

Socially speaking, there's no doubt that going back on T and feeling and looking like a man would be easiest. Not only was my body (especially my face) clearly meant to be male, but people who know me in my community know me as male, and most of them are the conservative type that would definitely not accept hearing that I was anything else. Also, I work at my job as a male, and it's not the kind of job where being anything other than what you were born as would be accepted. This is my big worry about going on E, that eventually people who know me will see changes. Indeed, just these few weeks on DHEA have brought about noticeable softening of my skin and face, and I think I may have gotten a few looks from strangers. That DHEA is so potent, and it's really surprising you can get it over the counter!

But guess what? I don't want to be masculine all the time! I like my feminine side, and I want to bring it out more. Am I crazy? Given what I said in the preceding paragraph, probably! I guess most people in my situation would go right back on T if they could kill off any feminine feelings and look the way that is easiest to have a normal life. But I'm not most people, and I never have been.

So social issues and worries that I might start feeling more masculine again somewhere down the line are a couple of concerns about taking E. But the other one is kind of the opposite. I'm worried I will start to feel a little too feminine and will

want to present as such. But there's no

t a chance I'd ever be accepted as anything other than male with my extremely masculine facial structure. I don't have tens of thousands of dollars for FFS, which I'd absolutely need. The only remote possibility might be my retirement account, but aside from being unwise, that would still be at least a decade away before I'd have enough in there. It could get stressful if I do start to feel more feminine but can't live that way!

I think that in order to feel at peace with taking E, I'm going to have put this gender issue to rest for the time being. It's stressing me out a lot thinking about it! Maybe I'm male, maybe I'm female, or maybe I'm something else. Who cares? I'm taking E because I've learned time and time again that I can't function with nothing in my system and that I don't want T. That's all I need to know for now!

[Tany Squirrel (imported)]

have you ever heard the term "Dual-Spirited"?, for most , it would be known as being Gender Fluid . Some don't associate with either gender in particular, and shift from time to time from one to the other.

Friends (True Friends), will accept you for your subtle or not-so-subtle shifts of your persona. Sometimes trying to "Fit in" one particular role may just not suit and become depressive and/or detrimental.

There is a term in biology :The word "allele" is a short form of allelomorph ("other form", a word coined by William Bateson[4]), which was used in the early days of genetics to describe variant forms of a gene detected as different phenotypes. It derives from the Greek prefix ἀλλήλ, allel, meaning "reciprocal" or "each other", which itself is related to the Greek adjective ἄλλος (allos; cognate with Latin "alius"), meaning "other". From Wikki

so perhaps you are neither male nor female specifically ,... perhaps you are an allellomorph . ( i had used that as a screen name for a time ' a little allelomorph' )

Of course, it need be said, your particular personas are looking for the complimenting hormones (when you feel male, your body craves T, and when female, it craves E), or is it the other way around?

Self discovery is often the hardest discovery that can happen. Magellen and Columbus had an easier time , i think, discovering new lands, than we have discovering ourselves.

Sometimes, past experiences can mold us, or shape us. Sometimes they make us the antithesis of who we want to be. It is often necessary to determine what is right for us, but looking within. Sometimes, others can point the way, but it is you, that has to live the life in your skin. Only you truly know what is best for you. the only thing one can advise, is be safe, in whatever you endeavor may be. *IF* you should feel depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts again, please, i beg you, reach out and talk to someone, either here or someone there you trust. No one should go this alone. There are people here who care for your well being.

Best Wishes,

Tanya Marie Squirrel

[plix (imported)]

Tany Squirrel

: Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!

You have been very helpful.

Yes, I have considered that I might be some variety of genderfluid. It would definitely explain the hormonal shifts. Although in my case, a more apt term might be something like "lifefluid" since my constant shifts back and forth are by no means just limited to gender I wouldn't worry too much about the suicidal thoughts - I'm sure now that was mostly just a result of crashing T levels!

For me at least, the lack of any cross gender feelings in childhood, the lack of any discomfort during puberty, and the fact that, at least when on T, I was attracted pretty much exclusively to females, eliminates any chance of me being full-blown transsexual. I think that what I am dealing with is being a male with a strong feminine side he was very much in touch with and that he got even more in touch with as a result of castration and taking E.

There was an article I read a long time ago that I wish I could find again! It was about something related to Asperger's (which I'm virtually positive I have, even though I'll probably never be diagnosed since pursing that sort of thing is expensive) and how that can cause cross gender feelings to sometimes be masked during childhood. It seemed to be saying that because of the presence of Asperger's, Aspie kids who are transgender might not recognize that a problem with gender identity is what they are feeling when they are growing up.

But even if I just didn't recognize any cross gender feelings, there is still the fact that I was attracted to females when on T. This might be surprising - and it certainly is to me - given my childhood history (wanting a girl's shirt at a young age - though to be fair, that was a one-time incident as far as I know, thinking jewelry was pretty, getting along better with girls, etc.) and my grandmother saying "I knew it all along. The signs were definitely there." when I came out to her as "trans." I remember thinking to myself at one point when I was growing up how surprising it was that I wasn't gay.

But then again, there was the time several years ago when I was at a strip club getting a lap dance. I was on T at the time. What is surprising is that I did not get anywhere near the level of enjoyment I expected I would from that sort of thing. There was absolutely no activity downstairs during the lap dance. None whatsoever! To be fair, I was also drunk at the time - not completely wasted, but definitely drunk. The alcohol may have played a role, but a friend who I told this story to told me there should have been "at least a twitch" down there even if I was drunk. I also didn't mentally enjoy it as much as I expected I would. Then there was the way she smelled - while it wasn't revolting, I didn't enjoy her smell as much as a straight man might be expected to. It was just kind of weird, I thought. This same friend told me he "likes the way women smell."

Then there is the lack of interest in porn and the lack of attraction to breasts. Porn has never done much for me, and boobs in particular just have never interested me. So weird!

But like I said, the fact that I was attracted to females growing up and when on T is clear, and I have absolutely no doubt about it. I got erections when looking at females and almost never had sexual thoughts about males (and when I did, I was able to dismiss the possibility that there was any genuine interest).

Now, do I find some men attractive when on E and imagine what it might be like to have a man treat me like a woman? Of course! Do I sometimes even have what I think might be a female-like sexual response - where I look at a guy and get a sort of warm and pleasant feeling throughout my body? Yes! But those things aren't consistent enough for me to be sure about any of it.

The personality changes I experience on E are just STUNNING. It's like night and day. Anyone who knew the me on T would be very surprised to see how different I am on E. I'm surprising even myself sometimes with the way I talk, how much I use my hands, and how much easier it is for me to talk to strangers. It's very nice - I absolutely love my personality on E! It's definitely far better than that guy on T who only seemed to know two responses to what people said to him - "Yeah" and a short chuckle.

But you know, even though I like the me on E better, I still don't think I'm female (for the reasons given above). I still get very sad sometimes when I think about the me I've forever lost - the guy who was permanently and irreversibly killed when I had my surgery all those years ago. The guy who by now probably would have been married and may have even had a family. Sometimes I even want to cry when I think about what I've lost.

Love, I suppose, is something we all desire. Even though I'm a man on E, I still want that sense of companionship from someone. The chances that I'll find a woman who would take a feminized man like me are pretty slim. Could I love a man romantically? I don't know, and I don't think I've been doing this long enough to find out. But gay men want men who look like men, and straight men want women. So my chances in that direction aren't all that hot either.

I'm sure there has to be someone out there who is just as non-traditional as I am and would love me for me. But how do I find this person? Somehow I don't think traditional dating methods are going to bring me much luck.

I think that is mostly what the source of stress surrounding all this gender and sexuality stuff is for me. The conflict between thinking about what I have forever lost and can never get back and how excited I am to discover this new me. At 32 years old, my time of prime sensitivity to T is past - even if I went back on T and stayed on it for the rest of my life, I'll never look or be as masculine as I would have if I had never been cut. So that guy is someone who can never be. But the me I am now and am still discovering is someone who can be.

Just like others have told me, that's what I need to focus on. Being me. Not worrying and stressing all the time about what my gender identity is or who I am attracted to. Because that's what I've been doing. Who cares? If I'm a man taking E, I'm a man taking E, and that's all there is to it. If E makes me a better person and brings out the true bubbly nature of my personality that has been hidden all these years under a flat affect, then what's wrong with that?

Basically, I think what I need is a life! I am focusing too much on this gender stuff, and it's time to remember there is a life outside of gender issues. I need to start focusing on other interests so that I'm not thinking about this stuff all the time. One of the ways I might do that could involve visiting and posting here less often. I'll still post from time to time of course, but I might try to do it less often so that these issues don't get triggered.

I'm finding this intense desire lately to socialize and be around other people. Maybe I'm an extrovert after all and just didn't know it? I highly doubt it! Still, I think I need to make some new friends to do fun, adventurous stuff with and start enjoying life!

[Tany Squirrel (imported)]

My dearest Plix:

I am sure many would agree, we would be amiss without your missives. Your insight into your life, has been a guide for others. It has shown them they are not alone, in the way they feel. I am sure it has been an encouragement for some.

I am glad that you are looking to be stress free from your gender quandary. Revel in the delights of both sides if you can! (you may be a bridge between the sexes, a mediatior, knowing how both sides can feel.. a very rare gift indeed!).

you are young, often times it is better to have love find you, then seek it out, this assures less disappointment. Love sought, is often love unrequited (not returned). best to set yourself up for success than not key ingredient is patience..

I do hope that you find the adventures that you seek, and fulfillment in them. please be sure to update us frequently, so those of us who have followed your journal so far, can be assured that you are well and healthy.

If you feel very social ( which is a good thing), be sure to stop by the chatroom, if you don't already. talking live with this squirrel can be hilariously calamitous enough .

Warm regards,

Tanya Marie Squirrel

[fhunter]

fhunter: No worries about the hijacking concerns! If it were me and it were someone else's blog, I'd probably start a new thread if I wanted to have an extended conversation about my own experiences just out of a desire to be kind and polite, but I think just the sharing of one's own experiences is to be expected in a blog and can even be very helpful to the person who the blog belongs to as well as others! So thanks so much for sharing! Having not enough hormones in your system (whether E or T) can definitely lead to dark places. I've been there - had a really bad crash earlier this year when I stopped taking T. Wishes to die, suicidal thoughts, and all! Yep, concern over breast growth is my number one worry when it comes to taking E, both for social reasons and because I'm worried that if I decide I want to look more masculine again in the future, I'll regret the breast development. I can't remember - how do you identify in terms of gender? I definitely understand the trials of self-medicating, though I'm hoping that will be changing as of Monday.

Gender identity... once upon a time I joked that if I'd wake up female, I'll be much more worried about finding ID and other documents than about the whole change. In practice - androgynous, I guess. Definitely not male. So the whole breast growth thing worried me from social point most. Kind of like that. Sorry for the short answer in a thread of long form

[plix (imported)]

OK, it's been a little while since I've updated, so I thought it was time to check in.

Surprising as it may seem, yes, I am still taking E. I've been on it for a few days over five months now (not counting my adventures with DHEA, which would place it closer to six). This is about the same period of time as the longest I've ever taken E continuously.

I am still pretty happy with taking E, otherwise I probably wouldn't be doing it.

Probably the best news is that I am now under a doctor's care for the first time in about 10 years. Pretty exciting! It definitely feels good to be able to go fill a prescription for E at a local pharmacy for about 1/10th the cost of ordering it online. Given that I live in a small-like town, I was a little concerned there might be some sort of conscientious objections to filling the prescription (if they are allowed to do that.....I admittedly do not keep up as much with legal issues as I should), but so far nothing's come up. Sticking with a chain pharmacy probably helps.

I am seeing a doctor (actually, I think she's a nurse practitioner) at an LGBT clinic in the big city. She seems nice and non-judgmental. I admitted that I haven't had transgender feelings since early childhood, and she didn't have a problem with that. She is also prescribing my non-trans medication, which is pretty awesome since I don't have to go see that doctor in my small-like town who I really have never liked. His predecessor was like one of the best doctors I've ever had, but the new guy left a lot to be desired. Every time I would go visit him, he would remember absolutely nothing about previous visits - including the fact that I had no testicles and needed hormones. Granted, no doctor can be expected to remember all their patients, but at least look at the chart or something before the visit!

Physically, I am definitely seeing changes. Softer skin, noticeable facial changes, a little more in the way of hips and a butt (though not much), increased boobage.......it's hard to say for sure whether they are still buds or getting close to a cup size, but they're definitely bigger than before and seem to be getting more defined in terms of shape. They are noticeable through many shirts now, though they are still by no means huge. They are also quite sore and frequently itchy.

I actually had a dream about them the other night. I was seeing a doctor, though strangely enough the office was located in my grandmother's old bedroom.........there come those pesky unresolved childhood issues again. The doctor told me that he could remove them if I wanted. I was hesitant but agreed. I saw him insert a tube into my chest and start sucking them out piece by piece. Yep, awake for the whole thing.....that's dreams for you!

After it was over, I looked into the antique mirror my grandmother used to have in there and saw that they were gone.....just two empty flaps of skin where they used to be. As I looked at my new self, I realized I had just made a HUGE mistake. I tried to console myself with the fact that now I could take E forever and no one would ever know.........but still, I felt a profound sense of loss and regret. I woke up with those feelings and then became so thankful it was only a dream. You'd think the whole doctor's office in my grandmother's bedroom thing would have clued me in......but yeah. I actually felt to make sure they were still there after I woke up.

The interesting thing is a couple years ago I had consulted a doctor about the possibility of having them removed. All I can say is thank goodness I didn't go through with that!

Yes, I'm scared about them getting bigger. Obviously they are going to become even more noticeable, and obviously that's going to create some interesting situations. But I'm also excited. I'm glad to have them, and I actually want them to grow!

The downside is my face is still terribly, unmistakably masculine. It's depressing much of the time to see it and realize that. Yes, the skin has softened, but the bone structure is still there. Why does my jawline have to be so freakishly big and my forehead so prominently strong? You know, I think despite my balding head, huge shoulders and feet, there's a good chance I would transition if it weren't for my face. No one will ever think that face belongs to a woman though, and I have to accept that.

The knowledge that I have to accept what my first puberty did to me doesn't take away the longing though. The desire that comes and goes, though more often comes now. The fact that I want to be a woman. The way I look at women's clothes and feel how awesome and amazing they are and wonder what if I could just wear them. The fact that the feminine role feels so much more right for me than the masculine role. The fact that men have suddenly become much more appealing than they ever were before. What is it like to have a handsome man see you as a woman and treat you as such? More than likely, I'll never know. Still, I'll forever wonder.

It's still hard for me to say for sure that I have a sexual interest in men. While I could be very wrong, I've always thought that the female sex drive is probably very different from its male counterpart. I've always theorized that even gay men and women probably experience attraction to men differently. For the former, it's probably in a pretty typical male way even if the object is men instead of women. But what is it like for the latter? Or is it actually any different? I may never know.

All I know is that there are times I look at men and very much enjoy doing so. There are times when I notice a man's features, his masculinity and think to myself that it's actually pretty amazing. There are times when I imagine having a man take the lead, being held by him and cuddling with him. A couple months ago, I was locking up my church one night and getting ready to head home when a couple of very handsome young men walked in to take care of something. It was just me and them in the church, and suddenly I was thinking to myself that I wouldn't mind it at all if one of them just decided to have his way with me right then and there.

But despite that last incident, this isn't necessarily sexual attraction. I could just be admiring the male form from more of an aesthetic viewpoint. And it certainly doesn't happen all the time.....there are times when I look at men and feel nothing, though lately more often than not I do perceive them as being something different from me and nice to look at even if I don't feel anything else.

I know this new way I see men is different from how males see them (or at least how I personally saw them when I was on T), but I suppose I'd need an idea of how lesbians see men in order to have a better idea of what I am experiencing.

As far as attraction to women goes, it's virtually non-existent. While I don't think I could say 100 percent extinct, it's definitely very, very low. I'm now much more likely to look at a woman and want to be her or wear her clothes or something along those lines rather than fantasize about her sexually. And the idea of a romantic relationship with a woman seems strange and foreign.

Seriously, I wish I could stop obsessing about this attraction thing! For all I know I am asexual and not attracted to either men or women sexually. I definitely don't think I'm aromantic though. In fact, that's one of the things about E......since starting it, the idea of being alone is becoming less and less appealing. Not just in a romantic context. I find I want to be out more now, want to have more friends to do stuff with and just be around. So glad I had invitations from two different friends this year for Christmas! In the past, on T, I couldn't have cared less about being alone on Christmas. But this year I didn't want to do it.

But also in a romantic context. I now want a life partner. Of course, given my circumstances we all know it will take someone pretty non-traditional, whether it's a man or a woman.

Emotionally speaking, I'm all over the place, and sometimes in a pretty short period of time. Just a few days ago, I was angry one evening, depressed and bawling my eyes out the next morning, and then ecstatic later that day.

I love it though! Having emotions is pretty darn awesome!

So yep, pretty crazy times!

The thing is, I know that I haven't always felt this way, and that's what makes it so strange. I know that on T (and even on nothing) I generally think of myself as male and don't have these thoughts and issues I have now. So what's this all about? Is it all in my head, a sort of placebo effect if you will? Or I am just some weird kind of person whose identity actually changes based on the hormones he/she is taking? I read an article recently that said the human brain structure changes to become more like the opposite sex in the presence of cross-sex hormones. So is it possible that even if I wasn't female before, I will over time become that way due to taking E?

I am still more likely to think that while I'm not 100 percent male, at least while taking E, I am somewhere in between male and female or some combination of both rather than anything else. My masculine side isn't completely dead, after all, even if he is pretty suppressed under the presence of E.

[plix (imported)]

OK, so the whole "try to ignore the gender/sexuality issues and focus on other things instead" plan hasn't worked. The issues come back as strong as ever no matter how much I try to ignore them.

So I am now trying a different plan, which involves allowing myself to explore and research these issues as much as I need to.

Of particular interest is my Asperger's as it may relate to these issues....technically it's actually autism spectrum disorder now, but perhaps partially due to the fact that I think there are enough differences between Aspies and those who have full-blown autism to warrant a separate diagnosis, I'll probably always think of myself as an Aspie. No, I haven't been diagnosed, and due to a lack of both resources and interest, I probably never will be. But my years of research and consideration have led me to feel virtually 100 percent certain I am on the spectrum.

The question becomes how much of what I am experiencing is due to my being an Aspie and how much of it is genuine gender issues? There are those who feel that when gender issues are present in Aspies, it's actually just another one of our infamous "fixations" (as I like to call them - but they are more typically referred to as "obsessions" or "special interests") rather than being genuine gender issues. But if that is true, then is it even possible for Aspies to have any "real" interests, characteristics, or traits? Or is everything we experience just another Aspie fixation?

Yes, I've never related to males, the male role, the male experience, or the male way of relating to one another.....the "bro" thing and bonding over sports and all of that. But that could be more of an Asperger's thing than a gender thing......apparently it is just as common for Aspie girls not to feel they can relate to other females.

Nevertheless, there are differences between the male and female Asperger's "profile." And dude, it's freaking EERIE how accurate the female version of Asperger's describes me. Most of the Aspie characteristics I can't relate to come from the male version, particularly when it comes to kinds of fixations (which are much more aligned with the female profile) and lack of outbursts when growing up (pretty much all the sources seem to specify outbursts as being a prominent Aspie boy trait....my experience was the passive, quiet persona that some of the sources mention as being an Aspie girl trait). There's also having intense friendships with one other person, being able to relate better to feelings/emotions, and socially copying/mimicking others. All of those things seem to be female Aspie traits, and all of them describe me.

To be fair, there a couple of ways in which I do seem to fit the male Aspie profile better. Some sources say that female Aspies don't experience fixations at all, or at least not to the extreme their male counterparts do. I definitely have fixations, though even compared to other Aspies they seem short-lived.....sometimes it's just a matter of days before I have moved on to a new one or they are just gone. Other sources, however, do say that females experience fixations too......they are just more aligned with neurotypical girls/women. That would definitely describe me!

There's also the stimming.....some sources say that females don't stim as much, and when they do, it's different, less obvious kinds. I on the other hand stim like crazy when alone, and it's the stereotypical kind of stimming.....this is more associated with the male profile.

But despite a few anomalies, it is really weird to see how accurately the female Asperger's profile fits me as a whole.

Fitting the female profile could explain why I wasn't diagnosed as a child or at least perceived as there being something wrong with me. Apparently, girls are diagnosed less often than boys and are often not diagnosed until later in life because they are better able to hide their symptoms/appear as normal. But to be fair, it could also be that awareness surrounding Asperger's was much lower when I was growing up in the early 90s and that I went to low-income schools and had other low-income resources available to me that would probably not be as aware of/trained in issues like Asperger's.

So it just my Asperger's that causes me to be unable to relate to the male experience, or do I have actual discomfort with having been born male? Is it just the neurotypical male experience I can't relate to, or is it really the male experience in general?

It's definitely clear that gender nonconformity was present in my childhood, more so than I realized at the time. From wanting girl's clothes (at least one time that I've been told about....see below about memory issues) and other items (more than once), from liking jewelry and "pretty things" as my grandmother put it, from preferring to play with girls and engaging in the type of play girls usually engage in, and from relating much more to female characters in my favorite movies and books than to male characters, it's clear to me that I wasn't a typical boy.

But despite relating better to girls and liking those girly things, I just don't remember ever thinking "I am a girl", "I want to be a girl," or "I'm not a boy." But you know what? It's really mind-boggling how other trans people (and even cis people) seem to have all these rich, vivid memories of detailed thoughts and feelings they had as children. Dude, I have a hard enough time remembering detailed thoughts I had last month, let alone what I was thinking when I was 3 years old! I seriously don't get how people can recall all these detailed thoughts they had as very young children. I sure wish I could remember what I thought about gender as I was growing up.....might help me better understand if these issues I am experiencing are real!

But guess what? When you have divorced parents, different strange men and women moving in and out every few months, roaches crawling all around you, a man beating the snot out of you and a mother who doesn't seem to care, and a lack of money, you don't have time to worry about things like what gender you are. You focus on survival and nothing else. Good old Maslow and his hierarchy.....how was I supposed to focus on who I really am inside when I didn't even have the basic needs met?

Yes, all the stories you see on the news of biological boys happily dancing around the room dressed in girl's clothing......they don't come from families like mine. If I had grown up in a middle-class household with two loving parents, would I have thought more about gender?

All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel right. Taking E makes me feel good inside, and it's brought a peace and happiness I've never known before. The other day, I was walking through the mall (as if the fact that the mall is like one of my favorite hangout places ever shouldn't be a clue ) when a feeling of indescribable peace came over me as I realized "you know what the answers to these questions are." And I think I deep down, I do know the answers. I'm just afraid of them for multiple reasons.

First of all, I'm not sure just how trans I am. Yes.....I'll "come out" (pun may or may not be intended ) and say it.....I am officially identifying as trans! Transsexual? Don't know. But some kind of trans, that's for sure. Given my childhood history, my

strong identification with the feminine

and lack of ability to relate to the masculine, and the fact that I love E and what it does for me, I think it's pretty clear I'm not male. I don't think a man could say those things were true, especially the whole loving and feeling right on E part.

I still think it's very possible I could be androgynous/genderfluid/something other than fully female. Given my shifts in the past and the fact that the way I feel seems to be able to be influenced by hormones, genderfluid seems like a good possibility. But feeling masculine depresses me. That's been my experience lately. I feel so happy when I feel feminine and depressed during those times when I worry I might be feeling more masculine again. What does that mean? Am I a woman? Should I just accept that? Or is it the other way around.....do I need to accept that I am in between and sometimes I will feel masculine?

One major thing holding me back from full identification as a woman is the gynephilia I experienced as a male and on T. Had I been attracted to men before castration as my grandmother was so sure would happen, I'd say "Dude, I'm a woman! Sign me up!"

But as trans and/or homophobic as it might sound, I have a hard time accepting that female-attracted MtFs are "as trans" as androphilic ones. The reasons are mostly logical......while yes, if there can be straight women born in male bodies, it seems like there could also be lesbians born in male bodies. But you would think the percentage should be the same as in the cisfemale population. It's been a while since I've checked the numbers, but it seems like about 50 percent of MtFs are attracted exclusively to women compared to about 2 percent in the cis population. A huge difference! As far as I can see, there are two possibilities:

1. There is some underlying cause we don't yet understand that makes the percentage of MtF lesbians so much higher than cis lesbians

2. Many/Most of these MtFs are not truly trans

I have little doubt that I was exclusively gynephilic before my castration. Yes, it's weird that porn never seemed to do anything for me (I used to joke that women were more sexy with their clothes on than off ), that I didn't start masturbating until I was 16, and that I didn't seem to get anything out of the strip club experience (th

ough that was after castration but whe

n on T), but I never had sexual thoughts about males, got erections when looking at women, and all masturbatory fantasies were about them.

So how could I have been anything but gynephilic back then? Of course, I've mentioned elsewhere that my sexuality seems to range from a lot more fluid to much more male-oriented when off T and especially when on E. Some research seems to indicate that female sexuality is a lot more fluid than male sexuality and that even straight women can sometimes be attracted to other women.

But can sexual orientation really change just like that, or is it all in my head? That's the big question regarding sexuality I'm trying to answer. I'm beginning to think that experimenting sexually is the only way I'm going to figure this out. That way it's real rather than in the fantastic world of the mind. But how to go about doing that? Do I go back to a strip club again and see if I get anything out of any encounters, sober of course this time? Do I try to find a gay strip club to explore that side of things? Something easier on my bank account would be nice though!

I also have some doubt about whether I can really change my sex. You have to remember, I live in a backneck-woods-type part of the country, and all my friends are conservative, fundamentalist Christians. Biological realities that can't be altered.......the way you were made......it's hard not to be influenced by those ideas when they are what you are constantly surrounded with. One of my friends is such a sweet, sensitive, and intelligent guy.....but he's stated clearly that he believes there are only two genders.

I realized recently that I have absolutely no liberal friends! All my friends are conservatives, and none of them would accept my trans status (the one friend who does know doesn't seem to accept it......though strangely enough he may be coming around.....he actually offered to pay for my ears to be pierced the last time we were at the mall together! I didn't do it though.....) I know absolutely no one in the LGBT community, though I've been told such a community does exist even in this little town....and apparently there is an exciting first-time event being planned for later this year.

Anyway, back on topic! Even if I did determine somewhere down the line that I want to transition, I know that I would never do such a thing without facial work. I'm a pretty crazy, bold, and unconventional, but not crazy, bold, and unconventional enough to live as an unpassable trans person! I'm sure that for someone with a face as manly as mine, even FFS would have its limits since there's only so much bone they can cut off. At most, it might be able to bring my face into a more androgynous range.

But, I am taking little steps. I am now wearing women's pants. Yes, that's pants, not the other similar-looking word For comfort reasons if for nothing else.....you can see some little curves on me, and my butt is definitely growing. Women's pants feel a lot better! Unfortunately, I'm a size 14, which is pretty hard to find! The good news is I'm about the average height for a woman, so length isn't an issue!

So, to sum it all up:

1. I now identify as transgender

2. I am wondering what my sexual orientation is - leaning towards fluid but haven't ruled out androphilic or asexual

3. I am wondering just how trans I am

Thanks so much if you actually read these very long posts of mine!

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Friend plix, you are definitely long-winded Speaking of your mostly fundamentalist Christian friends, did I tell you I joined the Mormon church?

By the way, are you still substitute teaching or did you find full time teaching?

[tugon (imported)]

Plix I always read your posts. I do not always have anything to say since I do not always understand your struggles. As you may remember my experience with HRT is non existent and knowledge is minimal. I am pleased to read anytime you have found a period of happiness. I smile when I think we went to Hooters for nothing.

[plix (imported)]

Friend plix, you are definitely long-winded Speaking of your mostly fundamentalist Christian friends, did I tell you I joined the Mormon church?

By the way, are you still substitute teaching or did you find full time teaching?

I know! The funniest part is it could have actually been about twice as long.....but I perhaps wisely decided to save some of the stuff I wanted to talk about for a future post

Nothing wrong with that.....I'm a very spiritual person and always encourage others to find and follow a spiritual path that is appropriate for them! Also, I was mostly speaking of local friends who I actually see in person from time to time, but if you count my online friends, then there's probably more diversity involved.

Still subbing! It's a constant battle between loving the job with all my heart and the finance issues working the job creates due to large chunks of the year with no income (still recovering from the effects of the second largest chunk). Having my first snow day in a couple years this last week didn't help matters of course.....grrrrr. Oh well, at least yesterday didn't turn into another snow day like I was so afraid it might.

You need to update your blog more often, si

r! I was wondering what the heck had happened to you.

Plix I always read your posts. I do not always have anything to say since I do not always understand your struggles. As you may remember my experience with HRT is non existent and knowledge is minimal. I am pleased to read anytime you have found a period of happiness.

I smile when I think we went to Hooters for nothing.

Thanks so much.....that means a lot! Most of the time I don't really expect to hear anything back when I make these posts. It's just a sort of therapeutic thing for me, I think. There are times when all these thoughts and feelings are bubbling inside of me and ready to burst, and since I would never consider talking to any of my real-life friends about these issues (except for one, but he understandably gets exasperated when I talk about this stuff too much), this is pretty much the only place I can turn for all thoughts/questions trans-related.

As far as the Hooters visit goes, it wasn't all that bad! After all, even if I didn't enjoy the young women as much as I may have liked to believe at the time, there was still the good food and good company.

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Plix., you are correct, I should update my thread more often. I have turned the ripe old age of 71 and I have three medical maladies to report: (1) high blood pressure which is under control thanks to my medication (Enalapril). (2) Type two diabetes which I am living with. I don't mind taking two pills a day but I do object to sticking my tummy with an insulin syringe every day - but I do it anyways. (3) I have a mild skin infection on the left-hand side of my face. I have to keep it shaved as the hair makes it hurt worse. It began as Shingles two years but hasc since mutated into an unknown virus. A dermatologist did a biopsy on it which came back inconclusive. I cover the area with Carmex when I have the $$$ and vasoline when I don't have $$$.

Every month I run low on food but a friend supports me monthly with grants of $25 to help out. I'm off to the ATM now to see if there is enough in my account for milk, cereal, bread and lunchmeat.

See you laters.

[plix (imported)]

MacTheWolf: Glad to see you are still plugging away despite the medical and financial issues! The wonders of modern medicine definitely make that stuff a lot easier to deal with. Hopefully they find a cure for shingles sometime soon.......I know I'll probably be dealing with it myself someday!

Well, I am still on E. This makes pretty close to 8 months now and definitely my longest stretch. I'm still absolutely loving it. It's like

for the first time in my life, I feel

like myself. I am still so shocked at how much my personality has changed, how much more open and social I can be with people now (though to be fair, there are still times when it exhausts me and I end up shutting down......yep, probably still an introvert ). And being alone is still much less appealing than it used to be in the past. I look forward now to the next social activity, the next time when I'll get to spend time with others (though I still prefer one-on-one interactions for the most part).

There are so many other changes as well, too many to describe really! My sense of smell is stronger than ever, colors seem more beautiful than before, I tend to notice what my grandmother would probably call "pretty things" a lot more than I used to. One of the strangest (yet most welcome) changes is how I can get teary-eyed over any little thing, and it usually happens multiple times a day. I love it! There's also how much more I notice other people's body heat, especially men. Guys are so warm now, and often I don't even have to touch them to notice it. Just being near them seems to be enough. I was sitting a couple seats away from a guy not too long ago, and I felt like he could start a fire with that warmth. Not unwelcome though.........I love beyond belief this new person I've become!

So yes, regardless of who or what I actually am inside, estrogen makes me pretty darn happy! Of course, it's not always that way. These last couple weeks or so I've been in an exceptionally good mood. But there are occasional bouts of depression as well that seem more intense than before. That's what seems to happen with E - it magnifies whatever mood you are in a ton. Fortunately, the good moods have far outweighed the bad in my case!

As far as sexuality goes, it still varies! There are times when I feel pretty asexual, times when I feel pretty attracted to men, and occasionally even times when I think I might still feel attraction to women. Not sure about any of that though, but here are the basics:

- During my asexual times I don't feel much attraction to anyone

- During my allegedly androphilic times I can look a guy and definitely seem to feel something.....feeling that he's cute, hot, and generally pretty amazing. I often get a warm, bubbly, giddy sort of feeling inside when this happens.

- When looking at women, I rarely feel what I think is sexual attraction any more. I'm much more likely to notice clothes/nail polish/earrings (earrings in particular seem to be a lot more noticeable to me than they were in the past.....weird!) and think how beautiful/awesome those things are and wish I could wear them myself. Then again, there are still times I feel like I may be feeling attraction. But it's hard to tell. I can still look at a woman and think "she's pretty," but it usually doesn't seem to be in a sexual way at all.....hard to explain, I just know it seems different from how I felt when on T. Even with those occasional times when I think maybe it is sexual, the warm, bubbly, giddy feeling isn't there.

But I'm still confused. A female friend (who is now aware of my trans status) told me she finds the sight of two women kissing to be "disgusting." I don't think I could say I'd find it disgusting, though I also wouldn't say it was appealing or otherwise turned me on. Two hot guys going at it though.....yeah, that would now officially turn me on! On T, though, I would side with my friend and would have called it disgusting.

So sexual contact between or with women doesn't seem to disgust me like it does my female friend, but it also isn't appealing like it formerly was. Sexual contact between or with men would have formerly disgusted me, but now it definitely can be a turn on. Yep....my weirdness keeps getting weirder!

Even physical contact with men has changed for me. I would have formerly found it disgusting and would have tried to avoid it. Now I sort of like it. I've had multiple occasions of accidental physical contact with guys, and when it happens, I notice their warmth and generally find the experience pretty pleasant overall.

So basically, when it comes to my sexual orientation, I think I can safely say I've narrowed it down to asexual, bisexual, or androphilic. It is possible I could still have some degree of attraction to women, though it doesn't seem to be as prominent as the feelings I seem to have for men. After all, I was attracted to women for years, and I do have my doubts that I can just "forget" being attracted to women. I can still theoretically remember what it was like to be attracted to women even if I don't actually feel that way anymore.

As far as outward changes go, they are definitely there, and they seem to be getting more noticeable. While the frequency of stares overall doesn't seem to be as high as when I was younger, I do seem to be getting more of them lately. I can tell that my face has softened a lot. I am still "sired" without any hesitation though, so most likely it's just people think I look weird for a guy.

There was an also an incident at work a few weeks ago. A student was basically going around telling other students I had a bra on. I don't wear a bra, so it definitely couldn't be that, but my guess is she noticed something in the chest department, and my having a bra on was her way of conceptualizing it. I don't know exactly what the cup sizes look like, so it's hard for me to say for sure, but if I had to guess, I would probably say I'm pushing an "A" cup if not there already. They are definitely becoming more noticeable, even through the work shirts that formerly concealed them pretty well. For the first time in my life, they actually are starting to look like real boobs!

So yes, I'm scared. Excited, but terrified! I love E and what it's done for me so much, but I am scared that eventually people at work are going to figure out there's something going on. Overall, I seem to be a pretty decent responder to E, especially when you consider my levels. I had my levels tested the other day, and I am only at 89 pg/ml. That's on 4 mg per day divided into two doses (at the insistence of my doctor.....she says the human body can only absorb 2 mg at a time, which I'm inclined to believe given my past experiences with taking more than that at once).

But despite those low levels, I've had pretty dramatic changes. I have a feeling that if not for my very masculine face, I'd already be "male failing." That face is what saves (or curses) me though, and like I said.....still "sired" often without the least bit of hesitation.

So, given the risks of being involuntary "outed" and possibly losing my job, do I keep going or pull back? I guess what I decided to do (with my doctor's approval of course) should let you know what side of the fence I'm on ..... or maybe would be better!

Yep, my doctor (who I love....she is so awesome!) and I decided to bump up the dose! So I'm now on 6 mg of E and 100 mg of P (progesterone). She said she is willing to go as high as 8 mg, so there's still more room to go up in the future.

While I do welcome/appreciate/love the physical changes, I'm more concerned with mental/emotional effects, especially since at least at this time I don't plan to transition. So if I feel like things are not going as well mentally/emotionally (more bad moods, etc.), I will pull back. But so far I think I've gotten a taste of a new me that I absolutely love, and I'm very curious to see if higher doses that really put me in the female range levelwise make that even better!

Also, for the first time in my life, I was given a "preliminary" diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. I'm also seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and he gave me the diagnosis. It doesn't count for official purposes it sounds like since he is not PhD level. But it is a preliminary diagnosis, and I guess it is some degree of validation of what I've always known.

He referred me for testing for a "confirmatory" diagnosis, but it remains to be seen whether I'll be able to pursue that. The first place I was referred to doesn't assess anyone older than 22, and the place for older folks doesn't take my insurance. Out of pocket isn't an option for me.

Even bringing it up with him at all was mostly to appease some friends who have been pushing me really hard to get a diagnosis. Had I not brought it up, I have no doubt that he never would thought of me as on the spectrum. I'm very good at passing for normal, that's for sure! Even when I did bring it up, I had to spend hours writing a detailed list of the reasons I think I have it, organized into diagnostic criteria categories. It definitely took some convincing!

So I have a preliminary diagnosis by a master's level mental health professional, but whether I'll ever get a "real" diagnosis is still up in the air, and not only for financial reasons. It's also that I don't think I need one. Yes, I know I'm on the spectrum, but at this stage of my life, and given how high-functioning I am, I don't really see what a diagnosis could do for me. I think I am too high-functioning to benefit from any services. I looked at the services page of the website of the first place I was referred to, and on it were pictures of clearly low-functioning individuals. I have a feeling I'd be laughed at if I walked in there and asked for services!

My friends see things differently though. They are convinced that I'm disabled and are very concerned for me and my future. They want me to pursue a disability income. It's really stressing me out and scaring me! I prefer to focus on my abilities rather than any disabilities, and I think my history clearly shows I am a very high-functioning individual who will always be capable of some kind of work.

So that's it.....a summary (if you really think it could be called that ) of just another crazy couple of months in my life!

[tugon (imported)]

Wow it is great to read that you are happy. On the other hand I am saddened that again you have friends who are talking you into a disability. You have much to offer the world and you have proved that you can work a full time job that you did not like. I am glad you are happier with your current job. To me working a job you did not like until you found one you liked shows good personal growth.

As far as a diagnosis is concerned why worry about labeling yourself. If it brings you a better understanding of you great but we are all labeled enough so why invite another? We are all interesting unique beings so enjoy the differences. There is only one Plix and you will touch the lives you do.

I am so glad you are happy!