Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Your experiences with estrogen are wonderfully positive, and maybe it can make more men happier than we realise? Perhaps in small doses? Like with me, I've always considered myself to have feminine sides, but I've never desired to have the female body in any way (though my skin is pretty naturally smooth and soft for a guy), so I wouldn't be too keen on suddenly sprouting breasts and big hips!

And just so we're clear on this, I HAVE wanted a female body ever since I was about 13. All of it... breasts, hips, smooth skin, a female voice, and the vagina to go along with it. So again, it's likely that a lot of my happiness is related to this feeling of FINALLY being on the path to achieving my dream after 15 years of feeling trapped in a male body that I hated. In addition to my increased pleasure, there is also a feeling

like a 2-ton boulder has been lifted off

of my shoulders, and that I'm finally becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. And something strange is indeed going on. Even though the E is fading away, and the last of it is now leaving my system (thanks a lot, American postal service...) that feeling of completeness, and personal happiness, and loving life, is still there. I barely feel any different. So fair warning, I suspect that a lot of this happiness that I report is related to my transsexualism, and the decision to finally embrace it, as much as the effects of estrogen on the brain. I suspect that someone else's mileage would REALLY vary with this.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

To put it simply, Estrogen is NOT an anti-depressant. They don't give it to depressed men or women. The mental changes Estrogen cause don't generally start for many months, 6+

It will cause PERMANENT changes in the brain over time. It isn't a happy drug, and most MEN would hate the effects of it. As soon as they lost their erections or ability to maintain, would be the opposite of happy. Men who have health issues like prostate cancer who have had to use estrogen don't like it. This is just one person's experience who NEEDS it.

CheetaKing is happy because she wants these changes and it is RIGHT for her. Most of it is the weight being lifted as she said. Hormones aren't something one should try on a whim or a lark. If you want a happy drug smoke marijuana just not in excess.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

The mental changes Estrogen cause don't generally start for many months, 6+

Are you certain this is for moods and not for the long term brain structure changes? I'm sure there's a huge psycological element to it but I don't think it's just that. My moods are often the first indicator things are stalling again or whatever. XX women get mood swings during their cycles, in fact there have been several studies on the periodic mental changes, and steroid users get short term emotional changes too, and again there have been studies on people's behavior after oral testosterone compared with placebo. In fact for the couple of women with irregular periods I know their moods obviously change before they're even aware they're coming on.

[foxytaur (imported)]

I agree with wolf pup, to be honest i could care less about getting an erection, id care however a complete loss of my sexual mood or libido . call it something akin to quasi female male libido. hence why id want to go on a small dose of spiro and medium dose of E. So that little remnant T that is left behind serves to spice my other less interested side.

Like Ive said before, I dont need my penis to penetrate in fact i hate penetration, never have i gotten in the mood to top.

I don't care if I end up sterile, and don't want children, (ill just spoil my nieces and younger sisters siblings provided she receives me well which she sorta meeehhhh on the whole thing calling me an idiot for wanting to be female.

"Being a girl is meant and reserved for girls only ". act like a girly girl woman basically.

essentially calling me a transvestite, freak or well pfttt.....whatever.

She recently purchased a new $1000 handbag and told me how it looked.

i said it looked pretty neat but what a waste. I could have spent that on supplements, some awesome vegan foods.

Use some of that cash to shop for rebel clothing,some girly tops, to match with some skinny jeans i have at home. Male and female attire blending essentially and purchase of course a sweet Fidel styled military hat and decorate it girly. adding sweet pins and buttons and well shiny bright colorful things to it

NB = Captain pickard Facepalm. I don't need to stress that my sis doesn't understand gender variance. shes still stuck with a binary model. Im not really in good terms with her either.

NB = Is it odd I don't really feel emotinally connected with either my mom or sisters?

It hurts but I like to feel optimistic that ill meet new people along the way and my new world becomes my new family.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Are you certain this is for moods and not for the long term brain structure changes? I'm sure there's a huge psycological element to it but I don't think it's just that. My moods are often the first indicator things are stalling again or whatever. XX women get mood swings during their cycles, in fact there have been several studies on the periodic mental changes, and steroid users get short term emotional changes too, and again there have been studies on people's behavior after oral testosterone compared with placebo. In fact for the couple of women with irregular periods I know their moods obviously change before they're even aware they're coming on.

If you've been on estrogen long enough and your body is adjusted to it then fluctuations in those levels will have an impact. I'm on testosterone injections, and originally was doing them once a week. By the 6th and 7th day I didn't feel nearly as good as the other days. I switched to taking half the dose every 4 days to avoid that roller coaster affect.

If we are talking about a normal male body just starting out on estrogen, it takes a while for the mental side of things to start changing in a permanent manner. I've been reading about estrogen and hormones for 30+ years (I thought in my youth I may have been TG but realized over time that I wasn't). I'm still active on TG websites (stories mostly) but still read information as I come across it.

Normally the first indicators are the nipples being tender and other physical effects. Everyone is different of course and maybe some people are more sensitive to E to begin with. Maybe if they were low T starting out that could also have an impact.

My original point was simply that Estrogen is not a 'happy' drug and won't make a depressed man happy again.

[foxytaur (imported)]

LOL of course it wont a guy happy. He'll start Bawww....ing and sobbing till no end.

My mom continually spazzes shit at me to no end though.

I crawl back to my hiding place. either bedroom or the bathroom, run the tap water and stare at it for maybe 10-30 min before going back again to finish my asignment. (most of times i make sure to do them at school cuz i cant study worth shit at home with malifacent waiting by the doorstep.)

If I were on E Im guessing I might spazz back and go into some temper tandrums more than bawww...ing(crying) than anything else. Im making a general assumption.

Im not sure whether ill be crying more than going apeshit angry for petty small things.

You know how some wifes get angry at their husbands for the silliest things

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-THREE:

So, remember what I said yeterday about believing that this temporary mail-delay-induced estrogen-free period was a test? Well if so, I had some VERY interesting things happen today.

First of all, I had a dream last night. In this dream, I was looking in the mirror, and suddenly my face was completely feminized. Such that when I smiled, it looked EXACTLY like a girl's smile. And seeing myself like that in the dream, I was just so overwhelmed with happiness. I was so happy for that brief moment in the dream that the dream-me felt like crying. The long hair looked so right, and my smile was so happy and cute, I was just overwhelmed with emotion because I loved my female face so much. And then I woke up. And that is the feeling that I started my day on. I saw myself completely feminized. I saw my smile, and I saw my hair, and in the dream I didn't feel any sort of regret, only a feeling of being completely overwhelmed with happiness.

And then the day started. For the first bit of it, I was just kind of feeling tired and unmotivated, and unfortunately the feeling of "normality" is coming back... not quite dull-gray-drear mode, but definitely not as happy as I have been. I really didn't feel as motivated to put on the wig and the feminine clothes as much as in past days.

Then something amazing happened. I did put on the wig. And after a long time of having the long strands of hair get in my way while I was trying to cook breakfast and play video games, I decided that I'd try pulling it back into a ponytail. And then suddenly, something happened. The gender of my face suddenly changed. For some reason, when the hair is just long and flowing freely, it actually accentuates the masculine features of my face, and I just look like a guy in a wig. But suddenly, when I pulled it back into a ponytail, leaving only the long bangs hanging over the very tops of my face, it was like a miracle. Suddenly, for the first time, I looked in the mirror and I saw a girl. Not just a guy in a wig, but I actually looked like a girl! I don't know what it is about the ponytail hairdo, but for some reason it takes the focus off of the parts of my face that are masculine, and puts them on the parts that are feminine. (Side note: this is the exact opposite of what transsexual support sites say about hair... they say that you want to hide your jaw with long hair, and hide your brows with wispy bangs, and whatever you do don't reveal your entire face.) I don't know why it worked, but somehow it did. So as of today, I officially have a "girl mode!" I'm still too nervous to take it outside, especially since I haven't even started working on my voice yet, but it still really has me excited!

Then the strangest thing of all happened. When I went outside to do my laundry at the local laundromat, about 4:00 in the afternoon, I took the wig back off and went back into "boy mode." But something bizarre has happened in my brain. For some reason, the mental image of myself that I have in my brain has suddenly taken a dramatic shift. When I was trying to form a mental picture of what I naturally look like, suddenly the image that I was seeing was of myself in "girl mode," wearing the wig. It took conscious effort to imagine myself as just having my short hair. It's insane. After only FIVE HOURS of wearing a wig that made my face look feminine for the first time, already my brain had started seeing that new person as my true self... as the self that I automatically imagine when I think of what I look like. And all afternoon, as I was doing laundry and eating dinner, that mental image stayed. And I still felt like that was what I looked like, even though I wasn't wearing the wig anymore.

I don't know how to even describe this... it's just... amazing! I never imagined that a simple change in hairstyle could bring me so darned close to actually looking like a girl in real life. And being able to perceive my physical appearance as female for the very first time in my entire life, God, it just absolutely blew my mind. And I loved EVERY SECOND OF IT!!! After today, increasingly my "normal" male persona is starting to feel wrong. And I'm looking forward to feminization more and more and more, getting more certain with every single day that I won't just like it, I'll absolutely love it, and that being a girl really is the way t

hat I was meant to be.

And no, un

fortunately HRT shipment #2 STILL has not arrived, and

there is STILL not a single word from the

postal service. It STILL just says "o

rigin post is preparing shipment."

So for crying out loud, postal service, HURRY THE HELL UP!!! You've got a girl who's trapped in the wrong body over here, and every day that you're lallygagging is another day of her female youth that she's wasting!

All right, anyway, here it is... my very first official set of pictures in "girl mode." It's been a long time coming, and this is the first time that I really feel comfortable sharing pictures. And yes, I know that I still have a very long way to go before I'll really start looking like a girl, and yes, I am still definitely more on the border between feminine and masculine rather than really looking feminine, but I don't care, I'm so happy with the way that I look in my very first attempt at "girl mode," that I just had to share the pictures.

For the record, all of these pictures are completely without makeup, eyebrow plucking, bra padding, corsetry, hip pads, uber-feminine clothes, or any of the other traditional things that trans-girls usually do before they attempt a "girl mode." (I can't help it, I'm a midwestern girl at heart. I want to look good just wearing jeans and a t-shirt if it's possible.) So, yeah, this is just me completely au-naturale, with the exception of the hair and a simple pair of women's jeans. So tell me, what do you all think? Am I onto something here, and really am starting to look like a girl with the wig on, or am I just building up delusions of grandeur? (I'm mainly wondering about the face. That's what I felt like suddenly started reading as feminine. I know my body still has a long way to go, especially my huge arms and shoulders.) Anyway, enough pre-picture padding... here they are. This is the new me:

Picture 1: (http://i46.tinypic.com/15rjd05.jpg) (Just me standing around in a door frame. And yeah, my shoulders still look too big, but whatever.)

Picture 2: (http://i45.tinypic.com/2lbi80l.jpg) (A different angle. This one definitely doesn't make my body look as good, but I believe it shows off my face and the hair better.)

Picture 3: (http://i46.tinypic.com/29bbw5g.jpg) (Another door frame picture. Nothing really different from the last two, but I just liked the way this one looks.)

Picture 4: (http://i49.tinypic.com/2vik112.jpg) (This one I'm really not as proud of. I tried like TEN TIMES to get a decent picture of my face closer up, but no matter what angle I tried to put the camera at, it just never looked as good in the picture as it does in real life. This is the closest I could get. And of the four, it is definitely the least-flattering, but I figured I needed at least one nice honest close-up, so here it is. Don't be too harsh on me. I know my face still looks a bit masculine, and I know my shoulders and chest and arms are still just GROSSLY out of proportion. But here it is anyway. At least it's a huge improvement over this picture (http://i47.tinypic.com/2db2nwy.jpg) from 1 year ago. (Seriously, look at those two pictures side-to-side... I think the comparison is really cool.) (Oh, yeah, and for the record, that old masculine picture is actually just the top third of a picture of me trying on panties for the first time... so believe it or not, that picture is actually one of the most genuinely happy pictures that I ever took as a guy. Most of my pictures as a guy are just downright terrible.))

So, yeah, this was a really cool day, and one that convinced me even further (didn't think that was even possible following the last two days of amazing feminine revelations, but apparently it is,) that my true identity is female. And hell, even if nobody else thinks that I look the least bit feminine in any of these pictures, at least it looks feminine to me. And any degree of feminization from my vantage point is an absolute good, something that makes me happier and more confident with every single day. The future awaits!!! Soon I really shall be able to live as my true gender, something that I could only dream about before!

-Cheers! (＾-＾)＿日

(Side note: It has now officially been an entire week since I've had a morning erection. Since I didn't really talk much about actual physical HRT effects today, I just thought I'd throw that out there. (And no, I really do not miss them. My life post-sex has been a thousand times better already than my life ever was with it. I've NEVER felt so happy before on such a consistent basis. So as far as I'm concerned, good riddance.))

(Side note 2: every time I've seen a pretty girl over the last three days or so, my brain has just gone "SQUEEE!!!!!! That's going to be ME!!!!!" )

[foxytaur (imported)]

Wow yer skin is much softer cheetaking.

[adam-in-texas (imported)]

Carrie, I actually looked at pic number 4 first and was blown away by how happy you look. I know you said it was your least favorite but all I can say is WOW. All the pictures really have me astounded by how much happier you look. There is this "glow" about you..almost radiant that was lacking in your early male pic. So for my two cents keep up the great work and your looking as they say fabulous-

[foxytaur (imported)]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8udQ-h4Y4BY& ... udQ-h4Y4BY

picture4 has smoother skin from what I can tell vs cheetakings original pic as a male before hrt. But give it 6 months and I'm almost sure the changes will be huge.

If your reading this cheetaking start cardio cuz E is known to cause insulin resistance, that and by toning the body it'll make it more femmy.It doesnt hve to be intense just 50 min of hard cardio 3 days a week on a fast treadmill to stimulate yer body. + female abdominal exercises and stretches

rest is all about what you eat really.

Nb = but seriously im not much of an active person at all. an hr routine from your day 3 times a week(well separated from each other to allow muscles to relax) isnt going to chew up your hobbies or funtime. Im sure this is reasonable for you cheetaking. I hope vid above was helpful. let me know if link works, again this shitty tablet doesnt have a proper way to copy and paste links.

NB = when yer not exercising doing small things like walking up the stairs, going for long walks is helpful

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Nb = but seriously im not much of an active person at all. an hr routine from your day 3 times a week(well separated from each other to allow muscles to relax) isnt going to chew up your hobbies or funtime. Im sure this is reasonable for you cheetaking. I hope vid above was helpful. let me know if link works, again this shitty tablet doesnt have a proper way to copy and paste links.

NB = when yer not exercising doing small things like walking up the stairs, going for long walks is helpful

What is NB?

[fhunter]

What is NB?

Nota Bene (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nota_Bene), Latin for "take notice"

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Nota Bene (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nota_Bene), Latin for "take notice"

Cool, thanks! I had Hebrew school, not Latin

[thraddash (imported)]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8udQ-h4Y4BY& ... udQ-h4Y4BY

Holy moley, I think I got a little ambitious trying this set of exercises out. My ability to walk or even breath consistently has now been severely affected.

[foxytaur (imported)]

Nota Bene (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nota_Bene), Latin for "take notice"

YUP my calculus proffesor got us into the habit of using it P

But yeah exercise doesn't have to be hardcore. I'm against it actually.

Bodybuilders breakdown and repair their tissue after ridiculously strenous activity and exercise takes energy.

Energy or sugar ATP (adeno tri phosphates) are broken down in bloodstream and cells are needed to divide to repair the damage vascular tissues caused by extreme muscle atrophy. (Too much oxidation, free radicals, high ph levels, huge T levels when you overdo yourself!!!!)

Earlier I said that the more your cells divide the closer you'll reach the limit your cells can no longer divide. (hay flick limit)

See exercise is a double edge sword. You thin down at the expense of vital life force hehe.

Mother nature plays a cruel joke eh?, The key is balance in exercise regimines.

Exercise only accounts for 30% of overall maintenance needed to purge toxins and stimulate metabolism in body.

The rest is up to your eating habits. In fact centenarians never exercise to extreme levels to stay fit.

They do hardcore exercises for brief intervals and call it a days off to relax

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-FOUR:

(although, is this technically even still a hormone-replacement log right now, seeing as how I'm getting no estrogen whatsoever and only a half-dose of androcur?)

Urgh... let's just cut to the chase. Today SUCKED. As soon as I woke up this morning, I just felt tired, unenthusiastic, barely feminine at all, and frankly absolutely miserable.

The replacement HRT dose is STILL not here. (F***!!!! MOTHER F***ING SON OF A B****!!!) (Sorry, just had to get that out.) It has now been EIGHTEEN DAYS since Inhouse reports that they were shipped. And there is STILL not a single G**damned update on the package-tracking info. It has said "origin post is preparing shipment" for TWO WEEKS now!!! ARGH!!!!!!! I simply cannot properly express how aggravated this is now making me. Up until now, I was able to put up with it, because I still had estrogen in my system. In fact, I did a mathematical calculation on the matter. My first estrogen patch expired on Sunday, and my second one expired on Tuesday. Estrogen has a half-life of 17 hours. So therefore I was hypothetically still at about 50% levels by Tuesday. That was down to an average of 28%-20% yesterday. But today, I was averaging below 10%, if my calculations are correct. And I must tell you, I REALLY felt it today. All of that life and vitality that I've been feeling for weeks now, has just suddenly disappeared. There's none of that girly giddishness about me, and I honestly just feel like the life has been completely sucked out of me.

Work sucked today. REALLY sucked. Following an entire day of living in "girl mode" yesterday, and having already noticed that my mental image of myself has changed to the image of me in that mode, having to go back to "boy mode" so that I could go to work felt like absolute torture. It felt like I was leaving my true self at home, and living a lie all day while I was at work. Short hair? That's not me. Being grouped in with the guys? That's not me. Wearing the unshapely male version of our work uniform? That's not me either. It just felt so wrong to be going back to that role and back to that lifestyle after a whole day of being a girl at home. It really is like actually living out that one scene in part 3 of my "My Life As A Girl" story, where the main character has to hide his girl parts in order to go back into the "real world." And let me tell you, it is NOT fun. When I wrote that scene, I had no idea that I'd ever experience something almost exactly like that in real life. But now I have. And I'm starting to feel this way every single time that I have to go back into "boy mode" to go out into the real world. It feels like it's not the real me anymore. It feels like it's a fake version of me that's going out. So today more than ever, I'm really starting to think about how I can transition in real life... how I can start living as a girl in real life, and not just in my own house. For the first time ever, I really feel a sense of urgency with this. Every day that I'm living as a guy is another day that I'm not happy with myself, and another day that I feel like the real me isn't there. (I am planning on living in "girl mode" as close to full-time as possible at home from now on, though. I still love everything about that.)

And this is exactly why the delay in shipment is starting to bother me so much. Yesterday and the day before, after experiencing the wonder of "girl mode" for the first time, now I'm completely sure that I want to keep going with the HRT until my body is completely female. And yet at the exact same time as I finally was completely sure about this, and when I finally caught a glimpse of someone that I was actually happy to call "ME" in the mirror for the first time EVER, at that exact point I started running out of estrogen. And now I'm out completely. So every single day that this next shipment is late, is another day that my female self is stuck in a boy's body, and making NO progress whatsoever toward becoming my true self. I have barely changed at all so far, even though I have noticed some slight changes, as mentioned for the last three weeks, and now all of that minute progress is coming to an abrupt halt right when I was finally 100% positive that I wanted them completely. Sigh... THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All day today, I was tired, cranky, sore all over, felt like I wasn't being my true self, absolutely aggravated that now I'm no longer making any more progress toward femininity, and did I mention tired? Not even caffeine helped me today. I just wanted to go home almost as soon as I got there. And there were SEVERAL times today where I just felt like curling up into a ball and crying. In fact, that's exactly what I did on a couple of my breaks. I went back down to my car, locked myself in, plopped my head down on top of the steering wheel, and just sobbed for minutes on end, overwhelmed by how unfair this whole thing was. The only thing that I really found comforting was to listen to a certain song called "My Song," from one of my favorite anime series of all time, "Angel Beats." It's the lyrics of that song that really get to me.

If you're interested, HERE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXN9oF-aXQU) is the link to the song, and here is a translation of the lyrics... lyrics that rung so true for me today, and lyrics that genuinely made me cry the first time I ever heard them... especially the very last line... "for the real, beautiful me, thank you."

"My Song" from the anime series "Angel Beats":

The day ended while searching

for where I could wipe out my frustrations.

The sky shown gray

And I couldn't see anything ahead.

Jerks feigning "common" laugh at us.

What lies will they say next?

Can they lovingly display

What they've gained from all of that?

But we must keep walking toward tomorrow.

That's why I'm singing.

Because you're crying,

Because you're lonely,

You are right.

You are human.

The tears you shed are saying

"For the beautiful, real me,

that is not just some lie, Thank You."

So, yeah. I was definitely crying today. But in a weird way, actual crying has indeed always made me feel like a real human being. It validates what I'm feeling on the inside. In "guy mode," where almost nothing ever seemed to make me cry, I didn't feel human. I felt fake, like an emotionless blob. But now I feel real. And that real, beautiful me, is crying. And those tears may be painful, but they feel beautiful even through my sadness.

So that was my day... lots of misery, tiredness, depression, and just in general feeling yucky.

There is at least once positive thing to report today, though. Last night, following a whole day of living in "girl mode," I really feel like Jenny finally understands what I'm going through a bit better. And she even offered to help out, offering me some of her old clothes from before she went on a diet and lost 60 lbs, which just happen to be my size now. So that was really nice. (Side note: I was wearing one of her old bras all day today.) She also suggested that I talk to one of her old high school friends who is a FtM transsexual. And Jenny hasn't laughed at me, or said anything bad, about me walking around in my "girl mode" wig with the ponytail. In fact, I think it's really helped her see the girl on the inside of me in a way that she never was able to before. So, yeah, that was a definite positive, and I went to bed last night feeling REALLY good after that. Too bad the feeling didn't last, and I just felt so miserable all day.

Oh, estrogen shipment #2, why must you torment me so? PLEASE come soon! This poor girl wants her real hormones back!

Please? （；_・）

[fhunter]

I do not know about USPS, but Russian Post sometimes "goes for a record" for longest and weirdest delivery. (Small package from Germany to Saint-Petersburg, Russia, via Orenburg (it took almost a month).).

[shortone (imported)]

Hi Carrie,

I have been reading your posts since the beginning. Kudos to you for your success and thank you for your insightful posts. You are an extremely good writer and quite articulate. Your journey makes for fascinating reading and I've learned a lot by what you have documented.

Sorry that you're having delivery problems from your supplier. For what it's worth, I have some purchases coming from Europe that are extremely late...I think we're into the sixth week now since order and shipment. My hunch is that there is a backlog in American customs, possibly related to the extreme weather a few weeks ago on the East Coast. Even FedEx has had delivery "issues" that they have been sending notifications about. You probably know that FedEx carries a lot of stuff for USPS, so it's possible that a bunch of unrelated stuff may be working against you. As far as the tracking notice "shipment in preparation" is concerned, I get those kinds of messages all the time...packages often arrive and the shipment notification is never properly updated. So I wouldn't read too much into that.

Two suggestions, for what they are worth: You might want to try placing another small E order and see if it comes any quicker. My experience shipping packages is that the smaller they are the faster they get processed and delivered. Who knows, maybe the third small shipment would get to you before the one that appears to be hung up someplace. A second thought is that perhaps a local female friend could be of some help by getting something prescribed locally just to get you by... (I won't mention any names).

All of us hate to see you suffer. Perhaps someone in the group could help you "off line" if they have a way to get something to you to tide you over. (I'm being purposely vague, here).

Best of luck to you, my friend. Here's hoping that events turn around for you quickly!

Hugs,

SO

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Two suggestions, for what they are worth: You might want to try placing another small E order and see if it comes any quicker. My experience shipping packages is that the smaller they are the faster they get processed and delivered. Who knows, maybe the third small shipment would get to you before the one that appears to be hung up someplace. A second thought is that perhaps a local female friend could be of some help by getting something prescribed locally just to get you by... (I won't mention any names).

I actually have indeed already placed a "backup order." And I did it via the same unregistered mail method that I did the very first shipment with, so that should be guaranteed to arrive even if the first one does not. (Side note: unfortunately, I didn't place the backup order until January 27th. So unfortunately, the earliest that this backup order will arrive is probably the middle of next week.) (The first shipment took 10 days.) So I'm still holding out hope that maybe just maybe the original order will arrive either today or tomorrow, and I won't have to wait that long. Please, universe? Please?

The second option, well, seeing as how HRT is usually only prescribed to women for the treatment of menopause, and all of my female friends are in their 20's, that's probably not going to happen. I'd probably have better luck just going in myself, and explaining my situation honestly. And you know, eventually I am just going to do this the "right way," and go in for a psychiatric evaluation and get an actual prescription for HRT like a "normal" transsexual, but that takes time... weeks or months usually. And I'm not quite ready for an official real-life transition yet. (Which is a prerequisite for being prescribed HRT according to MANY in the official medical establishment,) and I don't want to feel like I'm being pressured into it. [Side note: there is a very transgender-friendly clinic in Cleveland, who I'm sure would understand my situation, but unfortunately they're only open on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so it's too late to consider that option now.] So, sadly, in regards to getting feminizing hormones sooner, I'm pretty much out of luck. Right now, as much as I hate it, I'm just going to have to be patient, and hold out hope that the wait will be a short one.

Thanks for the advice! And thanks very much for reading!

(And I am feeling a bit better today... I had a very nice open chat with my roommate last night where I got to let out a lot of my stress, and I have the day off from work today, so I feel much more relaxed now, despite the unpleasant lack of female hormones. Plus I'm going bra shopping later, at a place where the elusive creature known as the 42B does indeed exist, so I'm excited about that.)

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Don't despair..I'll bet that shipment is just around the corner..I checked out those pictures of yourself...You really are an attractive person..Very feminine...Love your shape..

smooches Jackie

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hormones (estrogen based) take several forms..I take 2- 2mg tablets of Estrofem daily..I believe it's a birth control drug....estradiol...Know any girls on birth control?? See if they have my size...44B ? Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I checked out those pictures of yourself...You really are an attractive person..Very feminine...Love your shape..

o (◡‿◡✿) THANK YOU!!!

Know any girls on birth control??

I did look into that possibility, since birth control pills are very readily available, but apparently these pills are almost entirely progesterone-based, with virtually no estrogen at all. It varies depending on the brand, but in general they're not enough to be a form of HRT. The estrogen pills/patches that are generally used for feminizing are hormone-replacement products for menopausal women, including both Estrofem and Climara. They are designed to COMPLETELY replace the missing hormones in someone's endocrine system, rather than just messing with the balance

of hormones that cause menstruation like bir

th-control does.

See if they have my size...44B ? Jackie

Sadly, no, the kind that I was looking at only goes up to a 42. Let's face it, most women who have upper bodies as big as ours are generally much better-endowed. So anything with a B cup above size 40 is a rarity. They definitely exist all over the internet, just not generally in mass-market retail stores. (just be glad you're not an A. Those are practically IMPOSSIBLE to find, in almost every size.)

[Slammr (imported)]

I think you look quite feminine in the pictures. With a little HRT you shouldn't have any problem passing as a female.

Generally, on my orders from Inhouse, I won't see any updates on the tracking until it actually arrives at my post office. It will go for weeks saying it's at the shipping center, then one day it will say it's at my post office. It usually takes a couple of weeks for an order to arrive. I would be a little concerned about an order that hasn't arrived in 18 days.

I have been ordering from them for years, though, and every shipment has arrived. I trust them.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL LACK OF HORMONE-REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY FOUR: (Day twenty-five since I first started.)

Well, if it isn't obvious from the title, still no shipment, and as such I'm still just making it by without any estrogen at all and with only a half-dose of androcur. It's been 4 days since my last estrogen patch expired now, and by my calculations on the half-life of estrogen, my E levels are now down under 3% of where they have been for the last 2 weeks. I'm really getting worried about this shipment. Every source that I've ever heard has said that Inhouse deliveries NEVER take more than 2 weeks. Well, now it's been a whopping 19 days. SOMETHING is wrong. I don't know what, but I'm starting to doubt that I'm going to be getting this shipment any time soon. And unfortunately, I didn't order the backups until last Monday, so the earliest the backup order could possibly arrive is three days from now, with next Thursday or Friday seeming more likely given past delivery times. So in all likelihood, I'm going to be stuck without estrogen or a full dose of androcur for a LONG time. I might even run out of androcur before it makes it, because as of tonight I only have 5 pills remaining. I'm still pretty pissed about this, but I've complained enough about it already, so let's just move on.

On a good note, I felt much happier today. (Probably because I didn't have work, and as such I was able to chill, and just spend the whole day taking it easy instead of freaking out and feeling trapped within my work environment like yesterday. Plus I had a REALLY nice talk with Jenny last night, where she actually complimented me and said that I already look better than one of the transgender girls who's reffing at roller derby bouts, so that added to it also. She's being REALLY supportive! Yay!) Anyway, thanks to having the day off, the biggest goal that I had for the entire day today was to go shopping and find a bra that actually fits me.

You know, there was something about my mindset today that I find really hilariously ironic. The feminine feelings in my head are definitely fading. I don't have that sense of girly happiness, that same sense of alertness and spontaneity, or that same sense of feeling motivated to do things that are feminine. And yet, at the same time as my mind has been slipping back into "dull grey drear" mode where I just don't care about anything, my self-identity has never been more feminine. There were just some REALLY weird things that happened in my mind today, where I had to actually remind myself "woah, slow down there, girl, don't forget that you still have the body of a male." Like when I was imagining bra shopping at Macy's, suddenly I noticed that it didn't seem weird to me at all, it just seemed like something that I, being a girl, naturally did. It took a moment before it occurred to me "oh, wait, I'm still a guy. I'll be a guy in the women's bra section. That should be awkward or weird." But it wasn't. I don't think I've EVER felt so confident about my femininity. When I got to Macy's, I didn't hide, I didn't pussyfoot around, I just went right there, even asked the clerk for help when I couldn't find what I was after, I didn't make a single excuse, and I didn't feel the least bit shy about it. (And no, I wasn't wearing the wig, so it's not because I was in "girl mode." I wasn't.) And when I was calling a local hair-removal clinic to ask about how much a full-face treatment would cost, for the first time to ANYONE I was just able to come out and say "I'm transgender, so that's why I'm looking for this," and she actually kind of chuckled and said "Ah, okay. One of my ex-boyfriends was transgender, so I know what you're talking about." And she even got to explain to me that the hormones might lead to some complications with the laser. I'm really proud of myself in this regard. It's like I've finally accepted who I am on the inside, and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I spent most of the day at home in "girl mode" with the wig on once again. And I still just can't get over how that wig actually makes me read my own face as being female. I must have been looking in the mirror like every five minutes today, smiling each and every time I saw myself. And this mental image is still just staying with me at every moment, and it's now how I see the true me. I SERIOUSLY thought about going outside in "girl mode" today. That's how confident I'm feeling all of a sudden. If it weren't for my lack of a female voice, I might have. Hell, I might even just go ahead and officially transition once I have the voice down. I never realized how happy being a girl would make me. And I actually feel kind of stupid about this. Maybe one of the reasons that I waited so long to do this, and never pursued it more actively in high school, is because I never had a "girl mode" before. I never had the clothes, I never had the time or money to experiment with wigs and female clothes and the like. So although I spent all of high school knowing that I felt more like a girl, and wished that I could be one, I had no concrete evidence to back it up, just hunches. But now, actually having a "girl mode," I am just completely blown away by how much more I like myself, how much more this "girl mode" makes me feel like I'm seeing my true self for the first time, and how much I like this true self. I seriously suspect that if I'd had access to a "girl mode" in high school, I would have transitioned YEARS ago. Looking like a girl really is like a complete revelation, one that completely shattered everything that I thought I knew about my self-image and catapulted it into a new state of existence. I am ready to transition. Seriously. I had originally thought that maybe it was still at least a year or so in the future, but now I'm thinking more and more that it may be mere weeks away. And as far as I'm concerned, the sooner the better. I truly have found myself, for the first time in my entire adult life.

In regards to how the bra shopping went, it was a complete 100% success. After Jenny kindly loaned me a couple of her old Bali bras to try out, and I liked them much better than the cheap Fruit of the Loom bra that I bought at Wal-Mart a while back, I decided that it would be great if I could find it in a 42 instead of a 40. And I did. And they're amazing! Anyone else who is bra-shopping, I highly recommend the Bali Comfort Revolution line. These things are SO soft and stretchy, they actually feel really good around your chest. I bought both a generic XL one, which is designed to fit sizes 40DD, 40D, 42C, and 42B, and I LOVE it! I'm wearing it right now. I also bought a padded bra in a 42B as well, which really helps make my bust size look more feminine while I'm in "girl mode," and two of those as-seen-on-TV "Genie Bras," which again are designed for a variety of sizes, to go with it. (Those admittedly aren't as comfortable as the Bali bras, but they are a heck of a lot cheaper, at $10 each instead of $35 each.) So as of tonight, I officially have a set of bras that actually fit, and are actually really comfortable, for the first time ever. I plan to start wearing them every single day. (After all, I'm going to have real boobs soon, so I might as well get used to it.) And they REALLY make me feel more feminine. It's fun to have that little extra intimate pair of underwear down there, something else private and just for you.

And as one final note, I do have a physical update to report. After a week and a half of pretty much feeling completely uninterested in anything sexual, I finally did climax again this morning. And honestly, I really don't feel like ANYTHING has changed down there. I still got an erection just fine when I wanted to, it was just as hard as normal, it was just as easy to reach orgasm as normal, and if anything, it felt better than normal. (This was a really good one.) And yet there is definitely something that is different. The liquid that finally did come out when I reached orgasm barely even looked like sperm anymore. It was yellowish, and almost completely liquid, and barely even translucent. So it's clear that the androcur is indeed still keeping my T levels down low, even at half-doses. And my sexual-response cycle feels COMPLETELY different than before the trial. Today right before I got into it, there was NO tension whatsoever. Almost none of that "have to release" feeling. And once I was done, there was almost none of that normal "refractory" feeling. I almost felt like I could have just done it again right there if I wanted to. (I didn't try, because I felt plenty satisfied with just one, but that's what I felt like anyway.)

Man, this entry was just all over the place today. (And honestly, it feels REALLY weird to talk about having guy parts now. Because my new identity is definitely a girl, and as such I've REALLY felt like those things are out of place over the last few days. It was FREAKY when I was playing with them this morning, like there was just this disconnect where they felt like they were someone else's. And when I looked in the mirror, still having the wig on, they just looked completely out of place.) But anyway, it was a day with many small things to talk about, and no real overarching feelings to tie them all together. It was a confusing day, and a lot of stuff happened, but emotionally I'm pretty much back to being in "meh" mode, so it feels more like a list of things that I did rather than some greater experience that taught me a big lesson about myself.

Anyway, till tomorrow.

-Carrie

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･

EDIT: Oh, man, I don't know what just happened, but all of a sudden about an hour after originally making this post, I just hit a total brick wall of depression. Suddenly my "anger" response came back out of nowhere, and I broke out into a fit of yelling at my PS2 for no adequately-explained reason. I can't drum up any enthusiasm to do anything fun, and I'm just right back into "dull gray drear" mode where every little thing annoys me, and I just can't seem to drum up any significant happiness. NO!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!! I thought I was past this! I NEVER wanted to experience this AGAIN!!! WHY, GOD, WHY????? Why do you torment me so? I swear it, once this stupid shipment finally does arrive, I am NEVER going back to these stupid male hormones that are now taking back over EVER AGAIN!!!!!!! Why the hell are you putting me through this? I know who I am. I finally knew for

the first time in my entire life!

And now you've taken it back away from me and thrown me right back into "dull gray drear mode." If this is a "test," like I thought it was, then I quit. Bring the real me back, damn it!!! This isn't funny!

(I'm going to crawl into bed and go cry now...)

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Sorry that I am getting so far behind on this thread.

Cheetaking, your pics show that your femininity is coming along well, and one day I am sure that you will be able to pass as female. You look happy in those pictures, and that's the main thing.

I hope that your current anger can subside quickly.

Thanks everyone who made comment about estrogen and its unlikeliness to assist most men with happiness. I agree that it would be unlikely to assist me, but then again, one just never really knows when it comes to 'mileage', and I wouldn't say never to ever giving it a go. I think that anything tried for less than a month is likely to not do any long term damage, unless it's an addictive pill. But anyhoo, for now I just see what happens; see what the universe has in store for me, as they say. My happiness levels are reasonable at present.