Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Thought it would be fun to look at some flashbacks, from one month post-castration until recently.

At the one-month anniversary, felt like all my problems were solved, and there was a cocky tone:

Before castration, I had toyed with the idea of penectomy. Much thought went into getting rid of "it." But now my genitalia dysphoria has faded nearly completely. With libido gone, there's nothing to fuel the dysphoria, it seems...I'm pleased with my castration, but I'm only a month into this change of life. Seems the closest I'll come to being a woman is having hot flashes and taking women's vitamins.

At two months, my problems were still gone, but noticed I was pulling away from manhood:

With the loss of libido, my dysphoria about male equipment has just about evaporated. Not that I'm thrilled with a penis. The thing just doesn't distress me as much anymore. My desire for female things has pretty much gone away, too...As a result of this entire experience, my mental identity has shifted from being a man to something inbetween the sexes. I'm not going for SRS, but I've gained a distaste for certain male characteristics and am glad to be divorced from them.

Two weeks later, a problem showed up:

...My thought was: "Who has time or attention to think about the appearance of the bathroom!!?? When I'm in there, it's the stuff between my legs that gets the attention and causes all the anxiety." I guess I was particularly sensitive because the day before, on a trip to the bathroom, Mr. Penis was a bit enlarged with veins appearing (yuck). So I had a good cry later in the shower.

At four months, started noticing contradictions in my inner and outer self and became bothered by them:

Though I have no plans to transition, I look at my chest each day in hope of seeing development. (No HRT.) So there are some contradictions in my life.

Two weeks later, started dealing with identity issues:

My mother said I was 'sensitive' as a child (sensitive in a good sense: sensitive to others feelings), and I feel like I'm REDISCOVERING WHO I WAS before T came on the scene. I identify with women now more than men. ('Those brutes!' ) Stories of sexual abuse tear at me like never before. Tears come, and that's okay since I've stepped out of my narrowly-defined male role (internally, at least).

Toyed with idea of third gender, as you recall:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=7982

Then started calling my problem genital hatred:

My libido morphed into genital hatred. When libido was on the rise, it manifested itself as genital hatred, not a desire for sex. I have completely disassociated from Mr. Penis and would like the ugly thing to go away. (NOTE: I was a fairly normal guy before. I fondly referred to my equipment as 'Little Bryan'. TG issues were pretty well buried.) Once you reach genital hatred, castration is a logical way out. Much safer, too, than the other things I was doing to the genitals at the time.

At five and a half months, recognized TG issues remained:

Not that all my problems are solved. Had a low time this evening. I've been castrated but still have some TG desires. No plans to transition, so what's a eunuch to do? I identify more with women, but can't join their circles as peers. Some spots on my legs give me hope that leg hair will be going away. That makes me happy, but the contradictions between the outer me and the inner me are sad.

Bummed out by realization my problems weren't all gone. Few days later, wrote out life story in a search for identity and posted it.

Some journeys don't go the way you planned. Yet, I was thanking God this morning for who I am. Guess I'd rather be female on the inside and live uncomfortably in a male body than be a comfortable male.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just an update to let you know how things are:

Sleep has gotten much better. Guess the gender-identity upheaval combined with marriage upheaval made for poor sleep. With acceptance/resolution, things have settled down, making for better sleep. Things are feeling stable now. I'm content enough with my new state and newly-recognized identity.

May have to stop looking at Mr. Penis in the bathroom. I'll do fine for awhile, but then a glance at Mr. Penis will stop me dead in my tracks mentally. What a revolting thing. When I talked with my sister and mom during my identity crisis, gave them this analogy to help them understand my situation: "Imagine a female waking up one day and discovering a penis down there." That sunk in.

As you recall, I'm hoping to work

in Heaven's nursery for aborted

children. There was foreshadowing of that in August when my family saw the BodyWorlds exhibition in Chicago. The exhibition shows "plasticized" bodies (without skin). Anyway, there was a room off to the side containing preserved fetuses from miscarriages and stillborns. I wanted to go in that room and tried three separate times to enter, but each time the tears came so hard I knew I couldn't go further.

Assuming things remain stable, I probably won't be contributing to this thread as often. So if you have any comments/questions, now is as good a time as any.

Terri

You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;

you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

(Song of Solomon 4:12)

[mrt (imported)]

From what I've read this sounds like classic transexualism to me. Maybe a visit to a Doctor who works with this could help you find a direction to go. They might be able to help your wife as well.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Things have been stable.

When my wife saw me looking especially content, she asked how I was doing. "Pretty good. Stable."

"Just stable?" she said with disappointment on her face. Guess she was hoping I was feeling more male again.

* * *

In case you are wondering what I think about TG and Christianity, take a peek:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=50947&postcount=2

An article in the "Castration in the Arts and News" forum got my dander up.

I don't EVER want to see a transgendered person reject Christianity (or commit suicide), thinking God doesn't want anything to do with them.

* * *

I get little cues each day my personality isn't male anymore. When my 5yo son is roughhousing, he sometimes tweaks my breasts. (Tiny ones.) It hurts and I feel violated. Just about makes me cry. Plus, makes me feel like a second-class citizen since I can't say, "You can't touch Daddy in those places."

I've usually been sparse with my words and uninterested in chit-chat. However, I've been getting chattier -- more interested in people's lives, actually. In the last week, a female at work and an aunt had to be the ones to close our conversations.

When I attended a major league baseball game in August (boring, but free tix and opportunity to spend time with family), I didn't eat or drink a thing because I WAS NOT GOING TO GO IN THAT BATHROOM!

Not looking forward to the next time I cut my hair. (Been cutting it myself for six years.) It will hurt cutting it at the usual length. Would like to grow it long.

Happy to be the female I've always wanted to be. The change just doesn't show on the outside.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Since I write most posts offline, I have backups for the months which got lost. Edited somewhat.

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10/24/2005

Didn't expect to be writing again so soon. Had one of those "I'm not normal anymore" moments this morning:

Came back to the bedroom after breakfast and saw one of my son's teddy bears on my nightstand. First thought was, "Did I slip up? Did I sleepwalk and bring it to bed?" Then I thought, "No. He probably brought it with him when he came in this morning." Then my instinct was to seat the bear properly on my nightstand instead of leaving him flopped on his belly. Caught myself: "No, Bryan, that's not gender-appropriate behavior."

When my wife was on a trip recently, I kept some stuffed animals on the made-up bed and slept with them as well. So that's who I am when no one is around. That's NOT the old me.

* * *

Who doesn't crave acceptance? All of us, at some level, feel the need to be accepted. We may hide certain parts of ourselves in order to gain acceptance. But with TG-ism, acceptance is nearly impossible (if we open up), and we end up hiding so much of ourselves since gender is such a pervasive thing. Not good for the psyche.

Of course, this spills over to our spiritual lives as well: "God knows EVERYTHING about me. Does He accept me?" I was bothered by my TV desires before castration, figuring, "What am I to do? I desperately want

to wear ladies underwear again.

God looks at the heart. If this is in my heart, does it matter that I don't act on it? The heart is very important to God, as the Sermon on the Mount demonstrates ('if a man looks at a woman lustfully, he has committed adultery in his heart'). So what's the point of not acting on it?" It seemed not acting on it didn't make me any more 'righteous'. That was where I was at before castration.

Castration took away the TV desires. In fact, I had set July 6th (three-months post-op) as the day of decision -- to see how I felt about wearing ladies underwear. When the day arrived, the desires were gone. I was 'clean'. Wonderful. "Guess that's over with."

So it was quite a surprise/shock six weeks later when I realized TG stuff wasn't over with. So I honestly want to be a girl AND I see feminine traits showing up in my personality. I can't get castrated again; no, that last-ditch 'remedy' has been used up. There's nothing left in my arsenal. My willpower was already failing. God looks at the heart. Plus, (as that quote in the first post of this thread indicates), a Divine cure was unlikely. That's when the tears came pouring out.

So -- do I feel accepted by God, TG and all? Yes. He's been in communication with me, reassuring me. Would I feel right cross-dressing? No, but mainly due to marriage and parenthood, plus it's not an irresistable drive now. Would I transition if I were single? I'm probably not TG enough for that sort of step. I'm not a frilly/glamour type; more of a 'mom' figure. But I could definitely see getting a penectomy with some feminization. Maybe I'd adopt a more androgenous look. Hard to say.

Wow... Sure didn't expect to write this much when I sat down. You're getting this stuff stright from the heart. Hope you find some measure of comfort/satisfaction in it.

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10/25/2005

Interesting quote from Grace and Lace website:

http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/

lives.html

Perhaps, had I met an early death from an accident or some disease, I would have never come to the crisis point in my life that essentially every transsexual eventually reaches. The repression, the continual striving to appear "normal" and the incredible psychological burden to maintain such an elaborate facade over decades of one's life eventually leads all of us to a point where it is impossible to go on any more. We become so depressed and despondent, some even to the point where we think we are losing our very grip on reality, that there is no longer any real "choice" any more. If we do not acknowledge who we are inside and attempt to deal with it some positive way, then our only other option is death. That is why there is such a high incidence of suicide amongst the transsexual population. That is also why so many intelligent, highly motivated, professional-type people end up transitioning in their late forties and early fifties- they have gone on for so very long, trying not to fail all of those who depend on them. But we are all eventually worn down and become unable to repress what we have always known about ourselves from an early age. So we "crash" in one way or another, some more spectacularly than others. But then we begin the long process of resurrecting our true selves from the ashes of our old false identity; a painful course of action for not only ourselves, but also for our families, friends and nearly everyone associated with us. The only reason we go on through such an excruciating and complex process called "transition" (involving hormone therapy, gender counseling, hundreds of hours of electrolysis (for M to F transsexuals) and, for most, multiple surgeries) is that there is no alternative, other than psychological (or a literal) death.

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11/02/2005

Remember that "neatly-trimmed beard that doesn't cause any dysphoria"? The more I look at it, the uglier it gets. The grey is very patchy among the brown, and there's a thin spot on the side I've always tolerated out of desire to have a beard. Decided it was time for it to go, but figured I better run the idea past my wife first.

Just had a tearful time in front of my wife. She says 'no' to getting rid of the beard. She says it looks nice, and that's how she and our son know me. She added, "Seems like you want to get rid of anything that says 'male'." She guessed right. I was speechless and just started weeping, thinking, "Yup. Just gotta buckle down and keep the facade going."

Life is up and down these days. During some parts of the day, I wonder, "What's the problem? I feel pretty normal." Then later, I'll feel fragile. Maybe just being tired will get me weepy. Today I read more about GID and said to myself, "I can't believe I'm transsexual. Why did this happen to me? Like what am I supposed to do?" (Hmmm.... so maybe I'm not doing so well with self-acceptance today.)

And you know what really hurts? Thinking of you who ARE transitioning, but without support from those close to you. Hoping SO MUCH that you'll be able to pass wonderfully, yet you have to deal with the lasting effects of testosterone. I want to hug you tight and say, "It's going to be okay." Believe me, my prayers are with you.

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11/07/2005

Some memories which came to mind this weekend:

- In college, tweezed my nipple hairs. (Very painful.) Guess that was when chest hair was coming in, and didn't like the look. Gave up after awhile.

- When I got a place of my own, shaved my legs and painted my toenails. (Bright purple, in case you are wondering.)

- After divorce from first marriage, started wearing ladies underwear fulltime. Didn't stop even if I was going to be in a lockerroom; wore 'Jockey for her' white hiphuggers on those days.

* * *

For transsexuals, I suppose the question is: Do you prefer Pain A or Pain B? Pain A is the pain/dysphoria already being experienced and is a 'known'. It can be alleviated to an extent by castration and/or other measures. Pain B is the pain of transitioning and is an unknown. In successful cases, it eventually results in less pain.

During a family gathering this weekend, studied faces for gender cues. "What is it like," I wondered, "for transitioned individuals when they are 50-60 years old at such gatherings?" First of all, are they accepted by family? Second, do others ever get past the TSism and simply see the person as they are? What is it like speaking in a different voice for the rest of your life? Does it come natural after awhile, or does it always take effort? Guess that's what got me thinking about Pain A and Pain B. No guarantee that transitioning will alleviate the pain.

* * *

To Polecat,

You are singing my wife's song. She says I'm still within the range for sensitive males. It all depends on how one defines gender. If anatomy is the determining factor, then any and all personality quirks can be made to fit within the definition. Wish there were an objective way to determine gender outside of anatomy. Even the gender tests explain they aren't to be trusted and don't replace thorough introspection.

When this 'sensitive male' sees bananas or hot dogs which have been cut, he wishes it were that easy to do to his own 'banana'. This sensitive male prefers doing cleanup at a gathering instead of staying at the table for conversation with the men. I'm sensitive toward women's issues but haven't the same sensitivity for men's issues.

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11/15/2005

Was touched Saturday night while reading 'Velveteen Rabbit' to my 5yo son at bedtime, and cried for awhile afterward. Wasn't able to return to a family gathering in progress. You see, the velveteen rabbit went from ordinary stuffed animal to 'Real' in the eyes of the boy he belonged to. That's where I'm at: my gender identity shifted to female a year ago. I've wanted to be female in the past, and am one inside now. Feel I'm 'Real' now. The sad part came when the velveteen rabbit was out on the grass with two live rabbits. He couldn't do the things they did, and they didn't accept him. With this male body, I'm like Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer and can't join females in any of their "reindeer games."

Still not desiring a 'cure' for the gender shift. The present is preferable to the past.

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12/01/2005

Kind of amusing: At our Thanksgiving gathering while folks were gathered around the TV watching football, I remarked to the hostess, "Where did you ever get lampshades that match your wallpaper so well?" As soon as the words were out, I realized "Oops! Men don't notice such things, much less ask about them."

While talking with AlyssaBelle offline, came to realize I don't have any sort of plan for dealing with my gender dysphoria -- which will probably only increase with time. My only strategy so far has been "hope death comes soon." I envy people who have died. While passing the local funeral home last night, looked at the sign and said to myself, "Who's the lucky one today?"

Seems like I notice every baby these days. Was cursing my body last night since (in this day of heightened concern about child molestation) it's just not appropriate for male adults to show big interest in babies. I myself would be suspicious of any male showing too much interest in babies.

Due to anguish last night, wondered whether to try to be a content male again. But figured, "No. DENIAL is not going to help." If I'm noticing whether lampshades match wallpaper, this is who I am. I've embraced everything castration has brought, so I've passed the 'hormone test' for transsexuals.

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12/05/2005

Maybe I'm not doing so well. You're right, Alyssa -- I don't know where this will all lead, and it scares me. Don't know how long I can "hold on." I wonder whether to shift careers to work in an orphanage, but prospective employers won't want a gender-dysphoric person.

The dysphoria continues: The hair on my legs bugs me. I hope (in vain) it will fall out. Lately, I've been vigorously scrubbing my legs in the shower in a futile gesture hoping the hair will thin out as a result. Same goes for chest hair. I look at my face/hair/high-hairline in the mirror and think: 'ugly'.

Been looking for ways to find relief. Considered whether wearing ladies underwear would help, but not likely. Afraid it would just mock my desires.

Had an erotic dream last night which bothered for two reasons. One, it was adulterous, but two, I was acting in the male role. The thought of acting in the male role sexually has become distasteful. Glad to be asexual at this point. Much simpler!

Little plusses: Started using P cream again and it has the effect of pooching out the nipples a little. Like the look; gives me a little lift emotionally.

Started praying (today) that the Lord would take me home. Yes, the future scares me. At the very least, the Lord can correct/rebuke these prayers and change my thinking in some way. And I wonder still what the Lord thinks of the dysphoria, whether it's repulsive to Him. I sure hope not, and I don't sense it spiritually. But GD is sure a vile disease in the eyes of most earth-dwellers. So I'm back to wanting to cease to exist, at times.

Can't believe I am writing this.

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12/07/2005

Spoke with my wife Monday night, mentioning everything from that day's post (except the little plus from P cream ). Told her why I'm praying for death: I don't see any good outcomes if I remain. Just maintaining status quo is a struggle, and productivity at work is lousy. But if I transition, I've screwed up my family life, my job, and will lose my boy. And I'm not even sure I have enough "umph" to do a good job at passing. Secondary TSs (as ones at my age are called) are known to not make as much effort to fully adopt female mannerisms. Therapists say "they don't try hard enough." Plus, I can't justify all the expense on myself. As I told my wife several times thru the discussion: I just don't see any good outcomes.

Previously I've held some things back from my wife, for fear of losing her and her respect. She's insisted the personality changes in me were still within range for sensitive males. So I told her the other aspects Monday night, so she could grasp the extent of the gender shift: desiring a female role in sex and hoping for breasts.

My wife cried. She mentioned the possibility of me taking T (as suggested by the Christian counselor we spoke to), but I recoil at the thought. Told her (tearfully) our boy is the only good I have to show for my years with testicles/T. Sex was always a problematic area for me. I don't want libido/fantasies to return. It's been 87 days since I masturbated, but who's counting?

She's decided to pray and do an extended fast. If she's praying for me to be 'male' again, I hope the prayers aren't answered. After all (as I've said before), I've always wanted to be female and now I am [on the inside]. But I'm hoping the Lord will reveal to her His thoughts about this whole situation.

This may sound a little weird. (And the rest isn't, Bryan?) Just as a loving wife may say as she offers herself to her husband, "Enjoy yourself," I've offered myself to the Lord. I'm totally His, to do with as He wishes.

Something about work: What's getting me thru these days is listening to Christian music. When I slip on the headphones and put in a CD, it's like I'm all gassed up and ready to go. Guess it provides some distraction. But the words are touching/helpful, too. The following song has been particularly touching this week (edited to remove repetition and add expression):

"I'll Lead You Home" by Michael W. Smith and Wayne Kirkpatrick

Wandering the road of desperate life

Aimlessly beneath the barren sky

So afraid that you will not be found

It won't be long before your sun goes down

Just leave it to me

I'll lead you home

A troubled mind and a doubter's heart

You wonder how you ever got this far

Vultures of darkness ate the crumbs you left

And you got no way to retrace your steps

You're lost and alone

Leave it to me

I'll lead you home

So let it go and turn it over to

The one who chose to give his life for you

Just leave it to me

I'll lead you home

To Mr. T: Regarding hormone levels before castration: They weren't tested, but libido was out of control and I was masturbating at least every other day. So I think it's safe to conclude my T was within normal range. I *was* wondering if the balance had been upset, like excess DHT or something like that. At the time, I scanned the internet to see if T levels ever increased with age (like a flameout), but didn't find anything.

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12/8/2005

Life is about to get more interesting: DISCLOSURE. Wife couldn't hold it in any longer and told her mom (whom we live with). Wife is also spending the day with her best friend, and she has my permission to reveal whatever. She needs an outlet to discuss these things.

Started taking Estroven (herbal/soy OTC menopausal-symptom relief) as a trial to see how I like its effects. Within 6 hours, started feeling better. Was even dancing around toward bedtime. Package says it takes most users 7-10 days to see effects. Guess I'm so low on hormones, doesn't take much to get me going. Interesting thing: nipples were pooched out after only 12 hours, similar to P cream's effects. (Had stopped using P cream again since I don't like any life returning to Mr. Penis.)

Long chat with wife last night. Heard the dreaded words: "Your gender shift wasn't from the Lord." No, maybe not. But nor is cancer from the Lord, but Christians have to deal with it nonetheless. She wonders how I can pray for death, thus leaving her and our child. Reminded her I might be absent from their lives anyway if the TS-ism gets out of control. That's why the future is scary: when I was scrubbing my legs futilely in the shower (to get hair off), I wasn't being rational -- just desperate. Told her I can't fight the gender shift anyway. I like who I am inside now and don't want that to change, even if it puts me at odds with my body. Figure the mind/spirit is who we are, and the body is merely a vehicle which will return to dust someday.

Sounds like she's going to be a stickler regarding the nuptial agreement we made a couple of months ago. The Estroven is a violation, but I was being up front about it. Figured it's an improvement over praying for death. When we made the agreement, I was fine with it. The boundaries were ones I could easily live with -- at the time. Little did I know things would progress. At this point, I don't know if I'll have the will to abide by the agreement. Remember, weakening willpower was one of my reasons for castration.

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12/9/2005

Mother-in-law said the right thing when I approached her for the "I know you know" opening chat. She said, "I love you. I can only imagine the pain you must feel" plus some other affirmations. So far, so good.

Wife's friend, on the other hand, "is going to need some space" before we are in each other's company again. (Heard this thru wife.)

Wife is going to look for another Christian counselor. From all she's said, I think she wants someone else to tell me to get on T again. You know what? If I think about it for more than 30 seconds, I literally tremble/shake at the thought of having T in me again.

Still praying for death. Occurred to me I've never had a strong "life force" or will to live. Had a recurring dream in early childhood (ages 3-4): Some in the community had been arbitrarily chosen for death, and I was one of them. During the rounding up and incarceration, I was compliant/docile. While those ahead of me were being killed, I was still pretty nonchalant. But when it came my turn to be killed, I said to myself something to the effect of, "I don't have to put up with this" and escaped (woke up). I'm wondering if that dream is finding fulfillment now:

In bed this morning, was feeling hurt and rejected. Imagined telling my wife, "You rejected your husband and now you have me." She frankly admits she wanted her body to herself when we stopped making love. I guess the whole situation a year ago had the effect of causing a death in me. That was okay, because I didn't like that part of me. But now the new person in me -- the one I really like, the one I was before puberty -- is threatened with death. Something is rising up within me saying, "I don't have to put up with this."

Seems like there are three options:

a. Go back on T and try to be a man. (Gag.)

b. Find a middle road (close to status quo) where my new identity can live without too much discomfort.

c. Transition. (Don't want to lose family.)

Starting to form an idea of what to pray for at this point. Grace/power to maintain the status quo and/or wisdom to decide upon a maintainable status quo. At times I wonder why maintaining status quo should be so hard. Then I find myself absent-mindedly looking at my hands, thinking, "they're not like man's hands -- they should help me pass..." I've always appreciated my slender fingers.

My wife is the disciplinarian in the family, and I'm feeling some of that sterness directed at me. If she tries to use "tough love" to get me to choose option A, I'm afraid it will backfire.

*ADDENDUM*

Wife just mentioned possible cost with counselor and said, "It will be worth every penny to preserve our family." Makes me sad because I really didn't understand the following verse until going to Philly for castration: "If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned" (Song of Solomon 8:7). Paying $2700 (surgery and travel expenses) was worth it to preserve our relationship. I grasped the meaning of the verse: What one has to give up for love, one can scorn, for love is that dear. I didn't think about what else $2700 could buy -- it was worth it.

Thanks for listening. Writing this diary is good therapy, and I appreciate your input.

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12/21/2005

Just a short update in case you've been concerned. Doing pretty well. Not praying for death. More comfortable inside this body.

Would you believe my gender identity appears to be shifting some, backing off the female side? Maybe I'm in the center. Feeling somewhat genderless for the past few days. Not sure what to attribute it to. Most likely it is an answer to prayers from my wife, wife's mother, and wife's friend. Certainly not by any inclination on my part.

Don't know if this shift is imagined and/or temporary. Just wanted to let you know I'm past the really low point.

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01/03/2006

I'm still in wonder at how emotions have changed with castration. Gives one a peek into the human condition. I can understand how T masks/diminishes some emotions, but castration doesn't yield the same emotions as a post-menopausal woman; such women certainly don't weep as easily as I do these days. Instead, they have to be concerned about anger and irritability according to my wife. Makes me wonder what "base-level" emotions are for humans and how hormones (or lack thereof) modify them. If pressed for an answer, I'd say my emotions are like a child's. Tears and laughter come easily.

Regarding gender issues, had an up-and-down time over the holidays while visiting my parents. On the trip out, seemed I was scoping out every baby in the airport terminal. (Gives new meaning to the expression "scoping the babes." ) On the trip back, was studying gender features/cues unconsciously. When I'd catch myself doing it, was annoyed one can't escape encountering gender. Look at any scene of people and you encounter gender. Alcoholics can avoid alcohol. Drug addicts can avoid drugs. But TGs can't avoid gender.

Saw some childhood photos of myself while at my parents. Three had me posing with dolls at age four. Guess dolls were a big enough thing in my life that it got preserved on film. (The dolls belonged to my older sister, but I played with the

m.)

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02/07/2006

Yesterday was the 10-month anniversary of my trip to Philadelphia. I still thank God every day for the surgery and lack of libido.

The transgendering is still there, but it's not overpowering and not in the foreground. My emotions have tempered somewhat. Rarely get the fragile feeling. Guess my body is adjusting to no testosterone. (Still no HRT of any sort.)

Haven't been very active on the message board lately because my TG-ing disqualifies me from many discussions. Hardly fair for a TG to advise a straight male to cut off his balls, saying, "You'll love the effects! I sure do!"

Besides peanut butter, it appears fresh spinach has an effect on my male parts. Had a fully-hard morning missle after a couple of days with servings of spinach. Disappointing in a way, because I was hoping to make it a regular part of my diet.

One fringe benefit of the TG-ing for my wife is I regularly help her make the bed or make it myself. I'd feel like a chauvanistic oaf now leaving it to her alone. I also enjoy my times of washing dishes. My wife and I are doing well together, and the cuddling is delicious.

Looking back over the last 6-12 months, it's been a scary time of self-discovery. I previously thought I was a straight male with perverted tendencies. Castration would cure me, right? The perversions departed but TG-ing emerged, no longer cloaked by the transvestite desires. It was a scary realization, but I've adjusted for the most part. This is who I am. It has made the past more comprehensible.

Bryan

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

..........

So -- do I feel accepted by God, TG and all? Yes. He's been in communication with me, reassuring me. Would I feel right cross-dressing? No, but mainly due to marriage and parenthood, plus it's not an irresistable drive now. Would I transition if I were single? I'm probably not TG enough for that sort of step. I'm not a frilly/glamour type; more of a 'mom' figure. But I could definitely see getting a penectomy with some feminization. Maybe I'd adopt a more androgenous look. Hard to say.

.................

Bryan

I differ with you in some respects. I would definately like to get nullified (castration, penectomy, scrotum removal and urethra relocation) with moderate to extreme feminization. If the times and situation had been different when I was younger, I would probably have fully transitioned.

[bryan (imported)]

Mac,

One of the lines in your signature ("Should have been a girl") struck me today. I cried for an hour off-and-on, recently, wishing I had come out as a girl. (You should have seen all the wadded kleenex on the floor afterward!) Here's an e-mail I sent to my sister a month ago:

How are things going, you ask? Good and bad. Things are good because: (1) [wife] and I are doing well, and (2) my gender appears to have shifted back some toward the male side, so I'm more comfortable in this body. The bad part is I'm somewhat disappointed my gender shifted back toward the male side. Weird, huh? I felt more alive the other way, with a strong love/concern toward others that got me praying like never before. If I had my druthers, I'd prefer to be female inside, even though it makes the body more uncomfortable. I miss the person I was a mere two months ago, to the point of tears sometimes.

When I confided EVERYTHING to [wife] two weeks before Christmas, she resolved to do some extended praying/fasting, and it has apparently had significant effect. She's a great wife, to stick with me thru such a stressful time for a couple.

Thanks for getting out the old photos over Christmas. I was particularly struck by the photo of me (age 4) holding a life-size baby doll as though I were feeding it. It mirrors my present desires. Wonder what I was thinking back then? Even though my gender has shifted back toward the male side, I've still got maternal desires. So glad we have [our 6yo son]! It just makes me wish I had come out as a girl.

[plix (imported)]

Bryan,

That's basically the same position I am in. I definitely wish I was born a girl - no doubt about that. But since I was not, I am not sure I am going to take any steps to become one and instead just accept the fact that I was not born a girl.

[bryan (imported)]

Dear Diary,

Not doing so well. The emotions get out of hand sometimes. I would like to die. Took some chocolate yesterday (to combat depression). It's rough sometimes without HRT, but there's no way I will go back to T. Feel like I've been railroaded: The reason I got castrated was because of TV desires and disgust for operational male equipment. I lose my T, and then I see what a misfit I really am. Can't go back to T, but can't transition either. I see why TGs have a high rate of suicide.

I suppose the lesson to be learned is: If you are TG/TS, have a safety net of female hormones awaiting you on the other side of castration. Ride the non-HRT rollercoaster as long as you like, but then take something.

For those of you who are TG/TS and uncut: It appears T serves as a retainer or fortifier for the male portion of your identity. Maybe that's how I did so well all these years. Lose your T, and it's uncertain what will happen to your identity. Shortly after castration, I figured castration was good therapy for TG/TS, taking the sexual edge off of things. Not so sure anymore.

TheFraj mentioned identity issues in one of his threads recently. I understand completely. I tell myself, "I know who I am, but what am I?"

Physically, I wonder about the discomfort I get in the middle of the night. It's an overall bodyache.

Lately, been obsessed with the sadness and cruelty of abortion. Did you know that 126,000 abortions occur everyday worldwide? Not a thing I can do to change it. Every day adds another 126,000 to the pile.



Just telling it straight from the heart,

Bryan, or whoever I am today

[plix (imported)]

*Huggles*

As you can probably tell from visiting the boards, you're not alone in struggling with these feelings. So many others are going through the same thing, including me. I have no idea neither who nor what I am - so at least you're ahead of me there I thought I have gotten rid of the gender issues for good back in December, but now I realize I had just managed to temporarily suppress them and here they are back again. I don't know when or if I will ever have all the answers, and all I can do now is take it one step at a time and try my best to end each day with just as much sanity as I started with

Remember that you can call me anytime. I'll be glad to talk with you

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Prior to ever considering castration, I feared going into eternity with transvestite longings. After all, it was a part of me which I had to repress, and I had been Christian for years. The thought of battling those desires in Heaven made me just want to cease to exist.

Then the gender shift occurred and things worsened. Testosterone became intolerable. Got castrated. TV desires (and other junk) faded. But transsexual longings emerged. I no longer care about the clothes; I want the body and the role. THIS is an IMPROVEMENT?!

You know what? Now I'm wondering if my TS desires will find fulfillment in Heaven. (Received some assurance on Oct. 2nd, but it's hard to stay assured in the face of daily life.) Until then, I feel incomplete/broken -- a misfit. Hate to say this, but I'm being honest: if I can't have that fulfillment, I don't want to exist. Existence is painful. It's one big secret. I ask myself, "HOW LONG do I have to live with this ugly thing between my legs?!" Recognized the TV desires as inappropriate, but the TS desires are identity. I've examined the past and it's always been there in some form.

While daydreaming this past weekend, I envisioned getting a birthday card from MIL which said, "To a dear daughter-in-law." Seeing it, I'd promptly break into tears and run from the room. Reality, however, is that each card mentioned gender (BIL, son, SIL). Ungrateful arse that I am, I threw them away.

So now I have a loathesome, unmentionable disease (TS). Can't mention it to anyone except my wife, sister, and mom; even then I have to be careful what I say to my wife to avoid alienating her. (Even though MIL knows, it's not discussed.) Can't even mention it on the other internet forum I participate in; they would respond in the expected way for the uninitiated: unkind/rude remarks or worse. When people at church greet me after church and ask, "Howzit going?," I just put on a smile and say, "Fine." Then I exit as quickly as possible.

Grateful for EA,

Terri

-----------------------------------

EDITED TO ADD: I'm sitting here a bit stunned right now. One of the songs I was just listening to is such a good match for my feelings. It's called "Friend of a Wounded Heart" by Claire Cloninger and Wayne Watson. Here are the significant words:

Smile -- Make 'em think you're happy

Lie -- And say that things are fine

And hide that empty longing that you feel

Don't ever show it

Just keep your heart concealed

Why are the days so lonely?

Where can a heart go free?

And who will dry the tears that no one's seen?

There must be someone

To share your silent dreams

(Chorus)

...

Jesus -- He meets you where you are

Jesus -- He heals your secret scars

All the love you're longing for is Jesus

The friend of a wounded heart

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

In previous posts, I've always said, "No plans to transition." But now I catch myself thinking absentmindedly about it. So what I should say is, "I can't transition. Can't screw up my family that way." Death will be my transition, and I look forward to it.

Couple of nights ago, was watching children play after church. The boys were chasing/wrestling each other. The girls were playing more gently, doing cartwheels; wished I could be one of them. When I caught myself thinking about gender issues, just wanted to run away, but my boy was still playing.

Physically, I'm annoyed Mr. Penis still has some life in him. Full erections are still possible, and occur in bed sometimes. At least libido is zero, so it's just a nuisance.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

For a limited time, you can see what I look like in my user profile. The photo is a few years old. I've got more newer eyeglasses now and my beard is shorter now, but hairline is the same.

* * *

Maybe the Lord is dealing with me about my desire for death. One of the songs I've been listening to has these words:

There's a lady dressed in black

In a motorcade of Cadillacs

Daddy's not coming back

Our hearts begin to fall and our stability grows weak (sure describes me!)

But Jesus meets our needs if only we believe

(Where There is Faith, by Billy Simon)

Each time I hear that section, the tears flow. I can't bear the thought of my boy grieving/missing me. He and I are very close, and we play together a lot. What's ironic is the very reasons I want to die (i.e., gender difficulties) have made him so much dearer to me. I feel a "mommy" love for him now.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Dear Diary,

Had an earnest time in prayer this morning. Then lost it when I asked the Lord, "What do see inside me? Is it a woman's heart...?"

Then my wife walked in as I was writing this later and saw me crying. So we chatted for awhile. Told her tears were a daily occurrence, with the causes typically being: gender issues, thoughts about babies, or inspirational songs which touch me. However, couldn't bring myself to tell her what I wrote above.

* * *

My boy is so sweet! He likes made-up stories at bedtime, ones that we collaborate on. Well, I introduced some meaty material the last two nights: one of the characters wanted to cease to exist. (Where have we heard that before?) In the story, our two main characters each created 10 little robots. One of the little robots was discouraged and didn't want to exist. He typed a good-bye message on the computer, printed it out, then removed his batteries.

When the other little robots discovered him, they were sad and held a memorial gathering for him. In the darkness, I could hear my boy's voice fill with emotion as he contributed to the story. When they put the little robot out at the end of the driveway with the trash, there was no question my son was teary-eyed. I turned on the lights to dab his eyes. He said, wet-eyed, "I was trying to hold it back. But I couldn't." At least the story had a happy ending. When the little robot's maker returned from some errands and saw him out by the trash, he explained to the others, "No, he's not gone. All we have to do is put his batteries back in."

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

As you recall, this thread started out with these words:

Still trying to understand what happened to me last year...

The gender shift I experienced is baffling. Here are further attempts to understand it.

* If I am male-brained, then my case is pitiful. "Why the longing to be something you're not? You say you care about truth?...Then be the man you are."

* If I am female-brained, then I'm merely experiencing the normal amount of stress/discomfort one would expect from such a situation.

Recurring thought: If gender is such strongly-ingrained thing, and the border between genders such a high wall that ordinary people recoil at the thought of transgendering -- imagine what it's like for the one who finds herself in the wrong body! Very distressing, and emotionally painful.

When the gender shift occurred in Oct-Nov 2004, I started identifying with women more than men. That wasn't the case previously. Truly, I was not female-brained in the past. Certainly, I had my problems (TV, femdom, etc.) and would have preferred being female. I do recall thinking, "If I were female, these issues wouldn't have any power over me..."

After the gender shift and consequential castration, I've felt more linked to females. Appearance matters. I have an idea what a barren woman feels like. Women's movies appeal. I no longer think of females in a sexual way. The contribution of women is way undervalued. I even question (bristle at?) Paul's statements in the Bible about the position of women. (That came as a surprise!) It's my place to make beds, do dishes more often, and clean up at family gatherings.

I'm reminded of a Groucho Marx joke: "My father thought he was a chicken. My mother would have taken him to doctor but she needed the eggs." Well, I think I'm female. My wife would take me to a doctor, but she likes me helping with the housework.

So I'm wondering: Did God change my gender back in Oct-Nov 2004? Did I have a personality/identity problem that was just not going to work with male gender? You don't know how hard I tried to overcome my problems and couldn't. The gender change would be a bona fide miracle since these things don't just happen. I feel clean now, so the fruit of that change has been good (apart from some accompanying depression :-\). But the thought of being 'male' again is itself depressing. Life is complicated.

As much as I look forward to death, I can truly say I'm now grateful for the gift of life. Previously, I've always been fairly ambivalent about life. If I never existed, big deal. Maybe that was a symptom of personality problems. But now, the thought of being female in Heaven -- finally clean, complete, and at peace -- makes me feel grateful for life, grateful to my Creator.

Wondered whether to even post this. This sounds too far-fetched and ludicrous. But I don't have any other answers for the time being. This is all so weird...

Bryanna (for today)

P.S. -- Sorry for how polarized this commentary is. I realize some folks fall into a middle/neither category when it comes to gender. For me, however, it does seem to be a question of soft-male vs. unremarkable-female. After all, I'm a eunuch now but fulfillment is eluding me.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

This is probably the most difficult post I've written. Where to begin?

Feel like I'm in a vise. Can't move, can't do a thing, and the pressure hurts. Can't transition, can't commit suicide, and am having trouble functioning in daily life.

I've lost hope for this life. Dread the thought of living 20 more years.

(Sorry EA. Guess I'm not a castration success story. But I was a mess before castration, as soon as the gender shift occurred.)

My wife has been after me to use allergy medicine since I sound congested much of the time. Finally told her yesterday, "It's not allergies. It's from all the crying." Broke down in front of her, so we had a long talk. Told her I feel mentally ill. Among other things, she's concerned I won't be a good father figure, plus I've already failed as a disciplinarian (pre-castration). The upshot is we decided to see a Christian counselor in order to get me help.

(Things I didn't tell her: I daydream about transitioning, and daydream about death. When I catch myself, the tears come.)

Already regretting the idea of a counselor. No doubt, the counselor will recommend HRT, and I CAN'T STAND the thought of testosterone (erections, libido, masturbation, etc.). I won't take it. Not expecting to find any understanding. The gender shift was real, and my more-feminine personality is not pretend. I like it, feel it's the real me, and am not going to try to recover lost masculinity.

Prayers for death have shifted into high gear. Sensed the date "July 15th" in prayer. Indeed, that would enable me to finish an important responsibility at work. (I'm the sole support for a support-hungry application which will be retired in June.) It will also give me time to get my house in order. So I have hope again -- hope that I won't have to endure this uncomfortable existence much longer.

Where are my priorities? Salvation is all important. I am clean now. I have had lots of sexual baggage. It took a gender shift and castration, but it's all gone. I won't ever take testosterone. I don't want unsavory appetites to return.

An analogy: When is fruit harvested? When it is ripe. Wait too long, and it will rot on the vine. Well, I feel like I am ripe spiritually. I am clean. But if I'm not harvested soon, I fear bad things will happen: separation/divorce and who knows what else?

However, the Lord may use this for something else. When my dad was teaching me how to swim, he'd say, "You only have to swim this far to me." Then when my head was under water, he'd move further away. (You know how that goes.) So maybe the Lord is giving me a short-term goal to live for. Time will tell. I prefer the death route.

Do not look upon me, for what you see is passing.

The person inside cannot be seen.

She hurts, for no one can see her. No one talks to her.

They pretend she doesn't exist.

She wants to speak. But she must remain a secret.

Stifling her, the rest is mute.

Why speak of daily pleasantries when the heart is dying --

When death is considered friend?

"He has a vile disease," they say, "and cannot be a father."

But a parent? Yes, a loving one.

"His boy will catch what he has got..."

And mourn the tragedy of war, of rape,

and all the awful things that are done.

The following verse has been ringing in my spirit lately:

Do not gloat over me, my enemy.

Though I have fallen, I will rise.

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.

- Micah 7:8

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Terri--- Not a success story? Perhaps. But it is reality. You have moved your life along the path you need to follow. You mean harm to no one. Your faith sends a strong message to yourself and others. You are not running from your responsibilities. You are willing to help others learn from your experience. You only want to be who you truely are. A time of trials? Certainly. A failure? Not by any means. You are a valuable person. --FLO--

[bryan (imported)]

Uncle Flo,

Thanks for your kind words. I'm lapping up whatever encouragement comes my way these days.

* * *

Hi all,

Was going to renege on the idea of seeing a counselor, but the issue has taken on BIG proportions. Wife said: "See a counselor or there's no hope for us." MIL is on wife's side.

What hurts most is wife doesn't accept the gender shift. She believes it was from Satan. I've considered the possibility and analyzed it to no end (as you readers well know) but I see good fruit. The heart I have now is one I can live with for eternity; this body is quite temporary. Seems like it's okay for people to dream about being anything they want to be in Heaven -- as long as it doesn't cross gender boundaries. Why is that?

Anyway, sent an e-mail to the counseling department of the Christian organization I work for. No idea what's going to come of it. Validation? Chastisement? Helpful coping advice? Referral? Pink slip?

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

A wave of hope has come over me in prayer. It goes back to Oct. 2nd when I received assurance I'd be female in Heaven, taking care of aborted babies:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=50163&postcount=9

At church yesterday, felt God telling me to go forward during a special time of prayer and annointing with oil. As the pastor came to me, he recited the one verse I've been clinging to after offering my services in Heaven's nursery: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). Wow! God accepted my offer! The pastor also said, "You are precious in His sight. He will not forsake you." Assurance/acceptance! Later, as the service was winding up, the pastor said he felt prompted to share some verses for "someone in the congregation," and each was a fit for my situation. I eagerly wrote each down. He even said, "Be glad O barren woman, ... for more are the children of the barren woman than the one who has a husband" (Isaiah 54

). I was EUPHORIC...

One thing that God stresses in His word is He is absolutely dependable. The experience in church on Oct. 2nd goes beyond coincidence and must be from Him. For me to doubt now would be lack of faith. It's not presumption on my part, because I didn't even know why He wanted me to go forward that day. He caught me by surprise.

SO -- getting this straight: I will be female in Heaven, taking care of children. Thru the gender shift and consequent castration, God has been preparing my heart for eternity.

THEREFORE, I'm not going to mess with His work. I'm not going to try to alter my personality toward the male side in order to suit others. It's "okay" to remain the person I am inside, just the way God recently made me. Putting this in computer terms, HEART V7.0 is better than HEART V4.3 and there's no reason to go back to the old version.

Maybe this can give hope to the rest of you who are TG. God is not against a gender shift. People wish for a lot of things in Heaven. When is one better qualified to choose a gender than after a lifetime on Earth? If you can wait till then, I recommend you wait since the results will be better. I say that in all seriousness. I cry nearly every day because I'm not a genetic female.

Remind me of this post on one of my down days, okay?

WOO-HOO!

Terri

EDITED TO ADD: Cried for a long time late last night. However, this time the tears were ones of relief and thankfulness that the conflict between the inner and outer me WILL be resolved someday. Even in the way I prefer! All the longing and dysphoria will go away. Yippee!

Are you wondering where the name "Terri" come from? "Terry" is my middle name. Just took liberties with the spelling. The name sure fits (=teary).

[bryan (imported)]

Just a short note to say I'll be offline for a few days. Will be travelling to the home office for counseling. I'm happy the counselor assigned to me is female, since I'd expect a female to be more understanding. Was told our counseling office doesn't have much experience in these matters (not surprising). Won't be back online until Wednesday, March 29th.

Supposedly it's all confidential so my job isn't necessarily at risk.

* * *

Well, I have more time, so here are some thoughts from the day.

Occurred to me today how seemingly unimportant my relationships were at high school (all male) compared to grade school (mixed). Was thrilled to go to an 8th-grade reunion several years ago, but have no interest in high-school reunions. After all, I didn't form significant relationships at high school except with a few. At the 8th-grade reunion, I caught up with as many females as males, if not more. Why mention this? Just looking for evidence that I've been messed-up genderwise for a long time.

Seems like I've always a female component in my personality. It was a minority component, but a resilient one. It never went away, and is now longing for fulfillment. It wants expression.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Had two 2-hour sessions with the counselor. Briefed her completely; even printed this diary for her. She knows EVERYTHING at this point. I even divulged some nuances regarding sexual orientation which I've been mum about. At one point, she mentioned the possiblity of a team approach: another counselor, a psychologist, not sure who else. My gut said, "Ooh-boy. I got problems. Guess I'm not your run-of-the-mill counseling case." The image I had was of several doctors in their lab coats huddled around the patient (me), speaking in low tones and rubbing their chins. She asked if I was open to the idea of anti-depressants; I said yes.

Was asked to sign a "safety" (anti-suicide) statement. States that I promise to call certain people if I'm having suicidal thoughts. I understand her precaution. Told her that as I was leaving the driveway for the trip, I was thinking of the disappointment I'd feel to be rolling back into the driveway Tuesday evening. When I saw especially big trucks on the interstate, found myself thinking, "He could crush me good if he loses control." Why is this situation so hard?

Made a goof: Opened up to a female co-worker whom my wife and I are good friends with. Seemed appropriate, considering the closeness of the relationship. She asked how I was doing, and couldn't get the usual "Fine" out of my mouth. Instead, said, "Oh...not so good. I'm here for counseling." She immediately asked, "What for?" It was a good conversation.

Told my wife: "I did you a favor: you have another confidant." But she said I shouldn't have told her. My wife would prefer to keep this part of our lives out of that friendship. Made me feel like a walking disaster area.

Been asking the Lord what to ingest for this malady. Would like to avoid the "big guns" (anti-depressants) for now. A low dose of estrogen would be nice. Wife may agree to it since a husband on estrogen is better than a depressed/weepy/death-wishing mope. Also will take chocolate regularly to see if it helps.

July 15th came to mind again in prayer and got the "chill" sensation which the Holy Spirit uses to signify His presence. So I said, "I only have to swim that far. Okay." Time will tell.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Celebrating my score on the Tickle.com gender test: 92% feminine!

Counselor asked me, "What would wellness look like for you at this point?" Told her I view this as a terminal condition. I like my newly remodeled heart just the way it is, have no plans to change it (even if I could), and a long life will just end up making it calloused.

Counselor knows of my participation at EA and asked whether anyone pressured me into my castration decision. I said "no" and started tearing up. After building some courage, told her, "I started strangling it..." The desire was all inward. I had started putting cords around the whole deal (Mr. Penis and testicles) and yanking.

Took some Estroven yesterday to see if that can balance my moods.

Had quite a few erections in bed last night (probably an effect from Estroven). While cuddling this morning, wondered, "Could I try lovemaking again? Could I play the male role?" The answer came back "no" and I inadvertently emitted a soft moan of distress. Wife asked if I was okay. Since I wanted to keep the matter secret, said I was fine. Told the counselor I "sense some flexibility" in my orientation. If my wife and I could swap equipment, I would be interested in sex. Just not interested with the equipment provided. We're not talking arousal, but I said, "I want to give pleasure. I want to be loved."

Being a glutton for punishment, I pondered lovemaking again while in the shower. But it just doesn't feel right, I recoil -- like it was lesbian-ish. Was crying and moaning (since this is such a big change). Wife heard the sounds (over the shower and fan), came in and started praying for me. Would have never guessed life could get this weird. I understand now why "transgender" is a sexual orientation all by itself.

This experience with Estroven is frustrating. Seems like anything I could take to improve my moods (T, phytoestrogens, progesterone) returns some life to Mr. Penis. Does anyone know what effect low doses of estrogen have on male equipment?

Even so, I had taken only a half dose of Estroven. Was my mood better? Yes, yesterday was a good day. However, came across a mother-with-toddler figurine in a catalog this morning and started crying. I'd give Estroven a longer trial but I don't want erections. What to do?

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Never mentioned this before. About 10 times a day, when I think of Mr. Penis or become aware of him, my mind flashes to something chopping it off. Not in a gruesome way, but simple bloodless removal. The image causes no distress since I truly want the thing gone.

The 92% on the gender test has buoyed my spirits. Guess I feel validated. If the score had fallen in the middle, I'd have to think long and hard about why gender is such a problem.

Didn't go to a church picnic yesterday. Why not, you ask? The weather was gorgeous, there was a playground there where I could play with my boy, and the rest of my family went. Reason: I couldn't stand to lie repeatedly, replying "Fine" whenever someone asks, "How are ya doing? Doing okay?" There's a huge, distressing secret in my life, one that crosses societal taboos. As long as that secret has to stay buried, I'm just not interested in superficial chat. It's especially hard if I consider the person a friend. The lie of "doing fine!" falls like a bludgeon on the relationship.

In that vein, still haven't called my brother for his birthday (over two weeks ago). There's this HUGE thing in my life, but it must remain secret. Guess it almost feels dishonest to call and not mention it at all. But I can't mention it, so I don't call.

I'm a broken person. The following passage in Isaiah comforts me and makes me cry in relief/brokenness:

"To me this is like the days of Noah when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you. (Isaiah 54:9-10)

My boy said the oddest thing Saturday morning. Out of the blue, he said, "You'll be on your deathbed two weeks from now." He was joking around in a male sort of manner. But I immediately did the math: April 15th...I could handle that. He's surprised me in other ways, such as using my middle name (Terry) on a drawing of me right after I started using it on this thread.

On Saturday, my boy was making up a parable where the earth was populated with rocks and pieces of glass. Rocks represented people who don't know Jesus, and the glass represented Christians. From time to time, God would change a rock into a piece of glass. But sometimes, a piece of glass changed into a rock. So we talked about people who stop following Christ. He, of course, gave the usual sort of talk that he would never stop following Jesus. Then I told him, voice breaking, "But there are times when it is VERY HARD. When you get older, you'll understand. But always keep following him."

Got an insight while sitting outside with my boy yesterday. Christian aspirations to Heaven have struck me as somewhat selfish at times, as in "The Lord's got a mansion waiting for me." That doesn't appeal to me, nor does a throne. But now I see Heaven as a place where we can give of ourselves and mean something to others... It's hard to explain, but I can get excited about it now. My boy looked up and said, "You've got some water on your eye." So I tried explaining it to him.

There's a tune I've been playing lately on the piano. Made it up, as far as I know; maybe the Lord inspired it. The recurring theme is dissonance which gets resolved. Rather enchanting and consider it one of my best. Wondered what to call it; "Swan Song" came to mind.

Terri

EDITED TO ADD: Just got a call from my employer's counseling department. My case apparently crosses the line, and they feel my supervisor should be informed. Feel like my world is falling apart. The topic of disclosure is on the agenda for the next counseling session (week from now). I keep thinking of the verse: "No one who trusts in Him will be put to shame."

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Nice to have EA up and running again. My sincere thanks to Talula. Here is the diary I've been maintaining offline the downtime.

As you may recall, my last entry had ended with these suspenseful words:

EDITED TO ADD: Just got a call from my employer's counseling department. My case apparently crosses the line, and they feel my supervisor should be informed. Feel like my world is falling apart. The topic of disclosure is on the agenda for the next counseling session (week from now). I keep thinking of the verse: "No one who trusts in Him will be put to shame."

Turns out there was a misunderstanding. Once I assured the counselors I am completely asexual, and after some face-to-face sessions with the male counselor, both counselors now say my situation doesn't violate our organization's moral code. Whew! However, I have to be careful or my marriage could break up.

---------------------------------------------------

0

4/07/2006

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary of castration.

As I think of my time with testosterone, I'm filled with regret. Filthy fantasies. Acting like a jerk in college. Filthy actions (before becoming Christian). All the while enjoying it. Happy to be rid of the stuff.

I have so little good to show for my experience with T. I have a son and a wife. That's it. The rest is filth, false bravado, and crudity.

Some discoveries hurt when we encounter them, like discovering who I was for all those years (puberty onward). I wonder sometimes why God made men the way He did. Or maybe some of the effects of T are part of the curse. Those who have been sexually abused will certainly agree with that.

So glad the stuff is gone from my system.

* * *

I'm starting to enjoy poetry again. It's a good outlet during down times. Looking at TG websites, it appears this is somewhat common among TGs, i.e., writing poetry out of pain.

---------------------------------------------------

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4/10/2006

Yesterday started off as a disaster. Son came crawling into bed on my side. Since he's been favoring me and since I had the convenient excuse of little room on my side of the bed, told him to get in on wife's side. He didn't move; he just scrunched in close to me. Wife got up from the bed shortly thereafter, grabbed a kleenex, and headed for the bathroom to cry.

Later, before church, wife confronted me on the matter of discipline. I'm too soft (in her opinion), and she ends up doing most of the disciplining; consequently, our boy favors me. Couldn't do much in response -- just stood there and weeped. I don't want to hurt anyone, but now I end up hurting my wife terribly by supplanting her.

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4/12/2006

Got some more counseling. Counselor was asking me to categorize the GID issue in one of two ways: (1) I've been damaged in some way and am looking for a way to be repaired (reparative therapy), or (2) I think this is true to my identity and something God has for me. I voted for #2.

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4/16/2006 (Easter)

Didn't sleep well. When I woke up at one point, was depressed that son's joking prophecy two weeks ago about April 15th (i.e., my deathbed) didn't come true. Took a LONG time to get back to sleep.

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4/18/2006

Wife is feeling more stressed about my situation. She worries about what's on TV when I'm around, what people say when we're socializing, what she herself says to me, etc. The constant worry: "Is something going to set him off and send him crying from the room?"

Wife and I are having a hard time communicating. As she observed, "Seems every time we talk, we hurt each other." Examples: (1) After a lengthy conversation, wife wrapped it up by stating, "That will be the best for all of us." I started crying because of the implication that my problem is affecting everyone around us. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems the hurt is going around anyway. (2) Wife mentioned she is concerned when getting dressed up -- doesn't want me to feel left out, as though I'll feel bad I can't wear what she's wearing. At least, that's what I thought she meant. Told her not to worry. Turns out I misunderstood her completely. What she meant was compliments from me now make her uncomfortable. Compliments previously meant, "Your lover finds you attractive." Now compliments from me mean, "Your friend thinks you matched your colors well" or "Your former lover says others will find you attractive." Something like that.

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4/28/2006

Got some more counseling. Why are wife and counselors so sure that my male body isn't a mistake? We see birth defects all the time. We speak of 'fallen creation' all the time. So why are they so positive my male body is part of God's perfect creation? Is it not possible that God has been bringing resolution to what was originally a fallen situation?

Tuesday night was miserable. Wife gave me ultimatum, and I felt like I had nothing to offer, no assurance. Was wondering where I would go, what I would do. Pleaded with the Lord to take me. After she returned from a walk, we had a no-holds-barred discussion. I've offered to go on progesterone to reduce emotional instability. Not looking forward to Mr. Penis regaining some life.

She mentioned she would like us to be like other couples and make love sometimes. Hard to believe she's saying that. First, she lost interest (and hasn't regained it, best I can tell). But she's always been one to say, "Don't offer an alcoholic even one drink" and "If you don't have the willpower for something, stay away from it." Well, I was a sexual addict. I have to stay clear of sexual involvement. If I am overcome by sexual things again, I don't have castration as an option.

Still want to die, and still praying for it. Doctrine-wise, I'm not sure our prayers can affect such things. Lifespans may be pre-determined. (But then what about abortees? Did God pre-determine that? It's all confusing.)

Part of the counseling involved filling out a 'life questionnaire.' One of the questions asked about adults (besides parents) which had a 'decisive influence' on my life. Came up blank until I recalled reading "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex" by Dr. David Reuben when I was only 12 years old. My older siblings offered it to me and I devoured it.

Tuesday's counseling session left me feeling 'poked and prodded.' Didn't go to Wednesday's session. When I speak the truth to my wife about my internal feelings, she doesn't accept it, it hurts her, and resulting discussions are unfruitful. You know what I think I'll do? Go underground. Bury my personality. Build a shell. I learned as a child not to reveal gender issues. You know what? I've learned all over again not to reveal gender issues. Knowing what I do now, I would not have revealed the TG stuff to my wife back in October. That's sad. I don't like secrets, especially in a marriage.

The most poignant moment in counseling was when the male counselor asked (with female counselor and wife present) how I'd feel if couldn't be female in Heaven, would that be okay? I wasn't able to answer. First silence, then just bowed my head and quietly sobbed.

Wife still thinks the gender shift is from Satan. The experience at church October 2nd was 'flesh,' in her opinion. To me, the gender stuff is identity and I've been feeling very close to the Lord ever since castration. If the TG stuff is from Satan, I feel like my relationship with the Lord is make believe, like I can't sense a thing spiritually. So I feel exasperated in my relationship with the Lord, and am fasting for discernment.

Oh! The irony! Back when I had inappropriate, even vile appetites but didn't act on them, I would have been considered righteous by most (if not all) Christian folks. But now when I express a state of being (female inside) with no plans to act upon it, I am considered to be under the influence of Satan and in need of repentance.

I guess the gulf between TG and gender-content (GC) people is too broad for either side to comprehend the other. It seems GC folks would shut Heaven's door in my face and say, "You cannot hope to be the opposite gender in Heaven. That is a slap in God's face for how He made you."

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5/02/2006

Yesterday was miserable. Encountered a catch-22 with progesterone. I started taking it regularly last week for emotional stability, but libido is now showing up. I can't handle libido. (It manifests itself as repeated thoughts of masturbating and/or wearing ladies underwear.) But my wife can't handle my emotional instability -- it makes her a nervous wreck. So I'm taking progesterone to preserve my marriage. Been using only 1/8 teaspoon daily (1/4 or 1/2 teaspoon daily or twice daily is normal dose). Guess I'll cut back further on the dosage. I only need enough P to take away the "fragile" feeling.

Bryan/Terri

[plix (imported)]

It's interesting how if you went to a different counselor with a different perspective, that counselor would probably agree with you that your male body is a mistake. It really depends on the perspective of the individual when it comes to issues like these. If you feel it is a mistake, then it probably is, and when it comes to your own identity no one's opinion matters more than your own.

Keep up these updates!