Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

A tale...full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

- Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5)

The above quote describes my struggles over the last 8 months. Been hard to know what to make of it all.

Didn't get "blind" reading from medical doctor as hoped. As things turned out, an assistant saw me. The assistant then explained things to the doctor before I saw him for prayer. He gave me an absolute tongue lashing! I'll spare you the details lest I hurt my TG sisters.

Glad I saw the assistant first. She appears familiar with gender dysphoria because she didn't bat an eyelash. Instead, she quickly responded, "Where's your pain?" One of the things she pointed out is my body is still pumping out estrogen and that's been affecting me internally. She prescribed an anti-depressant, Effexor. (Haven't gotten any yet. The side effects, not to mention withdrawl effects, are scary.)

The tongue-lashing from the doctor left me feeling like banishment (=divorce) would be best. Indeed, in discussions that night, wife asked me to leave in two months. Felt acute rejection. Felt confused. Felt horribly misunderstood.

***

Rejection from wife and doctor browbeat/cornered me into considering testosterone. Figured an anti-depressant wouldn't help gender identity. Wife is embarrassed by "sissy-priss" husband. Even the doctor in the short visit observed, "Your mannerisms are all different." Figured T would restore manly mannerisms. Main goal is to preserve marriage to give our boy a two-parent household.

The late-night concession to use T went a long way with my wife. We also had a time of prayer, asking God to undo the gender shift in order for me to tolerate T again. We also asked the Lord to remove anything unclean. The time was special, and the power of the Spirit was present as evidenced by wife speaking in tongues.

Next day, found out how expensive "apply as needed" versions of T are ($3-6/day). Wife and I are cheapskates. And I can't stand the thought of monthly injections; if I started having a bad reaction emotionally, I'd want the stuff out of my system immediately. So I'm trying a cheap substitute which Phil/philip1 is using: DHEA. I'm relieved T isn't in the picture.

Since excess-estrogen is a problem, I looked into E inhibitors, also known as aromatase inhibitors. (By the way, anyone considering castration should get a degree in endocrinology! ) Fortunately, progesterone is an E inhibitor, preventing the body from producing more E. You could say P sponges up E. My problem with P previously is I took regular doses, as though I had to keep my P-level up, and ended up giving myself a continuous case of PMS. But now I know to take P only when my E-level is up, as evidenced by crying easily, deeper emotions, and/or girlish feelings.

Have had very little sleep over the last four or five days. Was fasting some as well, and that knocked my system out of balance. Last night's sleep was okay.

* * *

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

-Psalm 42:7

The acute rejection still exists in the sense that my gender struggles will be considered acceptable ("healed") by those around me only when I think becoming a female would be repulsive. Well, just read my diary -- that's never going to happen. I was privately thinking the only place for solace and acceptance on these matters is in the Lord. You know what?! Not more than 30 minutes later, in another special time of prayer with my wife, she spoke in tongues and then interpreted, "The Lord shall be your hiding place. He shall be your refuge." It was one of those "deep calls to deep" experiences where the human channel doesn't know the true import of what is being conveyed. You would not believe how comforted I felt! Incredible!

* * *

Over the last 24 hours, been feeling "even keel": not particularly depressed, emotions aren't out of hand. Gender is in the middle -- neither male nor female. Dysphoria is low. Still looking forward to death since life is such a struggle.

Bryan

P.S. Haven't forgotten my hopes for Heaven, but will have to be silent about such things in this household for they will never be accepted. The submarine captain shouts, "DIVE! DIVE!" This part of Bryan is going to have to submerge.

Terri

ADDENDUM: Getting back to the quote from Shakespeare which started this post ("sound and fury, signifying nothing"): Have the last 8 months just been a meaningless, hormone-induced nightmare? I was ready to kill myself. Mr. Penis would have been gone by now if not for the cost. Transition seemed inescapable at times. Marriage was about to end. Been thru counseling, and revealed these matters to close family/friends... Are humans such slaves to hormones? So what if I'm enjoying a moment of peace now -- when will hormones make me unstable again?

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Well, sounds like you have a decission to make. Be careful, this is forever. You are in crisis mode, I was right where you are in Dec.04. I'll pray, Leona

Hi all,

Plix, Erica, and Budley: Thanks for responding. Wrote this before seeing your posts. I'll respond later.

The above quote describes my struggles over the last 8 months. Been hard to know what to make of it all.

Didn't get "blind" reading from medical doctor as hoped. As things turned out, an assistant saw me. The assistant then explained things to the doctor before I saw him for prayer. He gave me an absolute tongue lashing! I'll spare you the details lest I hurt my TG sisters.

Glad I saw the assistant first. She appears familiar with gender dysphoria because she didn't bat an eyelash. Instead, she quickly responded, "Where's your pain?" One of the things she pointed out is my body is still pumping out estrogen and that's been affecting me internally. She prescribed an anti-depressant, Effexor. (Haven't gotten any yet. The side effects, not to mention withdrawl effects, are scary.)

The tongue-lashing from the doctor left me feeling like banishment (=divorce) would be best. Indeed, in discussions that night, wife asked me to leave in two months. Felt acute rejection. Felt confused. Felt horribly misunderstood.

***

Rejection from wife and doctor browbeat/cornered me into considering testosterone. Figured an anti-depressant wouldn't help gender identity. Wife is embarrassed by "sissy-priss" husband. Even the doctor in the short visit observed, "Your mannerisms are all different." Figured T would restore manly mannerisms. Main goal is to preserve marriage to give our boy a two-parent household.

The late-night concession to use T went a long way with my wife. We also had a time of prayer, asking God to undo the gender shift in order for me to tolerate T again. We also asked the Lord to remove anything unclean. The time was special, and the power of the Spirit was present as evidenced by wife speaking in tongues.

Next day, found out how expensive "apply as needed" versions of T are ($3-6/day). Wife and I are cheapskates. And I can't stand the thought of monthly injections; if I started having a bad reaction emotionally, I'd want the stuff out of my system immediately. So I'm trying a cheap substitute which Phil/philip1 is using: DHEA. I'm relieved T isn't in the picture.

Since excess-estrogen is a problem, I looked into E inhibitors, also known as aromatase inhibitors. (By the way, anyone considering castration should get a degree in endocrinology! ) Fortunately, progesterone is an E inhibitor, preventing the body from producing more E. You could say P sponges up E. My problem with P previously is I took regular doses, as though I had to keep my P-level up, and ended up giving myself a continuous case of PMS. But now I know to take P only when my E-level is up, as evidenced by crying easily, deeper emotions, and/or girlish feelings.

Have had very little sleep over the last four or five days. Was fasting some as well, and that knocked my system out of balance. Last night's sleep was okay.

* * *

The acute rejection still exists in the sense that my gender struggles will be considered acceptable ("healed") by those around me only when I think becoming a female would be repulsive. Well, just read my diary -- that's never going to happen. I was privately thinking the only place for solace and acceptance on these matters is in the Lord. You know what?! Not more than 30 minutes later, in another special time of prayer with my wife, she spoke in tongues and then interpreted, "The Lord shall be your hiding place. He shall be your refuge." It was one of those "deep calls to deep" experiences where the human channel doesn't know the true import of what is being conveyed. You would not believe how comforted I felt! Incredible!

* * *

Over the last 24 hours, been feeling "even keel": not particularly depressed, emotions aren't out of hand. Gender is in the middle -- neither male nor female. Dysphoria is low. Still looking forward to death since life is such a struggle.

Bryan

P.S. Haven't forgotten my hopes for Heaven, but will have to be silent about such things in this household for they will never be accepted. The submarine captain shouts, "DIVE! DIVE!" This part of Bryan is going to have to submerge.

Terri

ADDENDUM: Getting back to the quote from Shakespeare which started this post ("sound and fury, signifying nothing"): Have the last 8 months just been a meaningless, hormone-induced nightmare? I was ready to kill myself. Mr. Penis would have been gone by now if not for the cost. Transition seemed inescapable at times. Marriage was about to end. Been thru counseling, and revealed these matters to close family/friends... Are humans such slaves to hormones? So what if I'm enjoying a moment of peace now -- when will hormones make me unstable again?

Leona

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Monday's diary entry ended rather cynically. Let's have a grand recap:

1. This WHOLE experience has exposed my heart: I've always wanted to be a girl. The discovery has been bittersweet. The bright spot is my destiny appears to have changed for the better, since the revelation has allowed me to express my deepest wishes to the Father above (and heard back!). Thus, I fully expect a female appearance and role in Heaven.

2. The gulf between gender-dysphoric and gender-content people is too great to find agreement within conservative Christian circles. Merely expressing a TG identity will make one a leper or worse. That is sad.

3. Progesterone is useful as an estrogen inhibitor. Is your body producing too much estrogen? Dab on some progesterone cream. Don't use it continuously or you may get PMS.

4. The change in hormones resulting from castration turned me into a wacky, hard-to-live-with person. Little did I realize my gender identity is unstable. "No HRT" is no longer an option; I need some sort of supplements in order to function. DHEA and progesterone are the answer for now.

5. Who is the real me? It appears hormones play a tremendous role in defining who we are.

Some lingering questions:

a. If my body was producing enough estrogen to make me wacky with maternal desires, why no breast development? Maybe the E-level wasn't really out of hand?? Was it a deficit of some other hormone? Makes my brain hurt trying to figure out hormones.

b. Was the original crisis (gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004) brought on hormone imbalances/deficits? Mr. T suggested that earlier in this thread. Who knows?

c. Have I been "healed" of GID? I don't feel any different. Too soon to say. At least I've found a combination of drugs/supplements which ameliorate the problem. If I don't take progesterone, the girlish feelings return. There's also a part of me which doesn't want to apply progesterone at that point. Suppose you could say my GID is treatable by drugs.

My wife was comparing the last 8 months to a Job experience. I had to agree, but didn't state why. Job experienced rejection from his close friends who were sure he had great sin to repent of.

A touching moment on Sunday: A visiting preacher asked, "Ever do something for God and have it not turn out as expected?" Yes. I embarked on castration hoping to merely get rid of libido and paraphilias, with Matthew 5:29-30 as a significant part of my motivation. After all, I want to see God. Never expected all that followed. Yet, "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28). The experience has only deepened my faith, but it was certainly rough-going.

And I'm sure the story isn't over yet.

Bryan

[BudleyBare (imported)]

Bryan, I fail to find appropriate words to express how relieved I am to read your latest posting. It does sound as if you are now beginning to move toward that inner peace that is yours for the accepting.

I was struck by how lucid your writing was. The logic, and even the ordering or sequencing of each of the numbered and lettered items also spoke volumes to me, strongly suggesting you're getting through this.

And I do agree that there will be more "stuf" (meaning the four letter version of stuff, if you get my drift; say it in a low, gutteral tone; that is a Bud'ism) ahead of you.

With love,

Bud

[mrt (imported)]

I don't want to get too far into it but from my personal experience hormones have an ability to influence me in a unblieveably powerfull way. In my case that period of low testosterone was a nightmare. I was an angry SOB, my memory was shot to hell. I didn't have the ability to make a decision or get anything done. My sex drive was M.I.A. and my personal life suffered. I had some strange feelings, weird stuff going on with my body. HRT for me made my life turn around. It went from bad to pretty great.

I think your right about progesterone. It will control an estrogen dominated body if applied inthe right amounts at the right time. DHEA is a precursor for Testosterone. If your trying to dial that up I think this will help. And regardless of what your doing gender wise remember that "some" testosterone is normal for both. Take that away 100% and your not going to be as functional. And I don't mean any disrepect to those trying to become testosterone free here on the archive.

I strongly recommend you ask your Doctor about regular blood testing and work with her/him to get you into the normal range for what your trying to do. Once you start working with hormones you need to take care of yourself. Have a yearly physical with a PSA blood test, liver function (If you take any hormones in pill form) and a digital rectal exam to insure your not growing any cancer.

I'm glad to hear your finding some peace my friend!

[farharbour (imported)]

Hi all,

Monday's diary entry ended rather cynically. Let's have a grand recap:

1. This WHOLE experience has exposed my heart: I've always wanted to be a girl. The discovery has been bittersweet. The bright spot is my destiny appears to have changed for the better, since the revelation has allowed me to express my deepest wishes to the Father above (and heard back!). Thus, I fully expect a female appearance and role in Heaven.

2. The gulf between gender-dysphoric and gender-content people is too great to find agreement within conservative Christian circles. Merely expressing a TG identity will make one a leper or worse. That is sad.

3. Progesterone is useful as an estrogen inhibitor. Is your body producing too much estrogen? Dab on some progesterone cream. Don't use it continuously or you may get PMS.

4. The change in hormones resulting from castration turned me into a wacky, hard-to-live-with person. Little did I realize my gender identity is unstable. "No HRT" is no longer an option; I need some sort of supplements in order to function. DHEA and progesterone are the answer for now.

5. Who is the real me? It appears hormones play a tremendous role in defining who we are.

Some lingering questions:

a. If my body was producing enough estrogen to make me wacky with maternal desires, why no breast development? Maybe the E-level wasn't really out of hand?? Was it a deficit of some other hormone? Makes my brain hurt trying to figure out hormones.

b. Was the original crisis (gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004) brought on hormone imbalances/deficits? Mr. T suggested that earlier in this thread. Who knows?

c. Have I been "healed" of GID? I don't feel any different. Too soon to say. At least I've found a combination of drugs/supplements which ameliorate the problem. If I don't take progesterone, the girlish feelings return. There's also a part of me which doesn't want to apply progesterone at that point. Suppose you could say my GID is treatable by drugs.

My wife was comparing the last 8 months to a Job experience. I had to agree, but didn't state why. Job experienced rejection from his close friends who were sure he had great sin to repent of.

A touching moment on Sunday: A visiting preacher asked, "Ever do something for God and have it not turn out as expected?" Yes. I embarked on castration hoping to merely get rid of libido and paraphilias, with Matthew 5:29-30 as a significant part of my motivation. After all, I want to see God. Never expected all that followed. Yet, "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28). The experience has only deepened my faith, but it was certainly rough-going.

And I'm sure the story isn't over yet.

Bryan

What a deep and thoguhtful series of posts..

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Bryan,

Peace be with you and may you find the peace and tranquility you have sought for so long and so richly deserve. I sincerely hope that your decision will be the best for you, your wife and son.

As you have come to know, gender identity is not an easy thing for some of us, especially when you mix in the "hormone factor". For someone like myself, I have known since my earliest memories that I am a girl, even when my testosterone levels were that of a normal male. So, while hormones do play a role, I feel that the gender identity issue runs much deeper.

Stay in touch and please continue to share with us your thoughts and feelings as you embark on this new path in your life.

All my love,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Been reading more about transsexualism. Here's an ego booster:

http://transsexual.org/What.html

Several interesting physical and mental indications have been statistically shown to occur in relation to transsexuality. One factor is intelligence, the transsexual is on average two standard deviations in intellect greater than the base population, and one standard deviation higher than those defined as homosexual. This probability of high intelligence is currently not explained, though there are suggestions that it may be the result of the unique and somewhat mixed brain 'wiring' of the transsexual, who may benefit from a combination of male and female structures or functions.

Another curious correlation is creativity, transsexuals tend to possess a high degree of artistic and general creative ability.

Here's another quote which rings true for me:

http://www.gendertrust.org.uk/php/showa ... php?aid=28

As the decades pass, anxiety and depression place an ever growing burden on life. Typically, life stagnates and becomes something to endure. Some people turn to drugs and alcohol to mollify the pain. When that too becomes intolerable, thoughts of suicide creep in and it all too often becomes the solution of choice.

Yesterday, since the depression is still bad, was about to get my prescription for Effexor filled. Got scared away again by the side effects and withdrawl effects.

Instead, I'm trying an over-the-counter supplement called 5-HTP (5-Hydroxtryptophan), a natural remedy for depression. Whereas SSRIs boost the serotonin level in the brain by keeping existing serotonin in circulation longer, 5-HTP boosts serotonin level by providing more raw material for serotonin production. A nice side effect is appetite suppression.

* * *

Erica,

I envy those of you who are transitioning. I also envy you who have known with certainty from a young age that you are female. (But I also acknowledge you have had to deal with the pain of GID longer.) It's been less clear for me and don't know what to do to alleviate the pain.

Is my not transitioning the best decision for my family? I feel like a hypocrite. Although I profess faithfulness to the marriage vow, I'm waiting for "till death do us part." How faithful is that, really?

I currently lack the "spark" which makes a person enjoy life and want to live. Transition would bring back the spark, but would also destroy much in the process. I truly don't know what is best.

My life is in a holding pattern until July 15th. (See March 20th diary entry for an explanation --

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=52931&postcount=41 )

I have an appointment with a Christian psychologist a few days later. He's affiliated with a United Methodist university, and UMs are known to be more liberal these days. Not that I'm looking for "permission"; just looking for an objective professional opinion.

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...

Is my not transitioning the best decision for my family? I feel like a hypocrite. Although I profess faithfulness to the marriage vow, I'm waiting for "till death do us part."....

Bryan/Terry/Terri,

I have long ago learned that one cannot be true to anyone else, nor to any principle, nor any commitment, unless and until one is true to one's inner self. I suspect from your "I feel like a hypocrite" comment, that you already know this.

I recommend that you re-look at your situation from the perspective of some disinterested third party while silently chanting a mantra of "the truth shall set you free". 'You' in this context, I submit, is not just one person, but a larger all inclusive YOU.

I feel like I am on really dangerous ground here, but am compelled to feedback to you what I hear you saying.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

While reading at BeginningLife.com, came across a thought-provoking thread (http://beginninglife.com/newforum/index ... e1ac8b15ae) about how TSs finally came to the point of transition. A recurring pattern was long-term denial and [finally] self-acknowledgement: "When I came out to myself..." Yes, the first person a TS has to come out to is self.

That's worth repeating: The first person a transsexual has to come out to is self. I hadn't reached that point until responding to Plix early in this thread (9/28/2005), and was shaky from the realization:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=49901&postcount=3

Beginning to wonder if the gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004 was my "late-in-life TS crisis point." Didn't recognize it as such at the time, although my paper diary of the time cites possible TSism as the underlying cause of the stubborn paraphilias. Never mentioned TSism in my diary before that. Started calling the whole thing my BIG FAT PROBLEM -- which continues today. Footnote: In hindsight, I should have had my hormone levels checked when I started identifying with females. Not that I regret castration, but it would be helpful to know to what extent hormones played a role. Some late-life TSs experience a spontaneous shift in their hormones.

Hard to tell I'm not considering transition: checking hips in the mirror, trying a higher voice, experimenting with hair. Still got the beard (per wife's wishes) so can't tell whether my face could pass.

Terri

* * *

ADDENDUM: As you know, I'm not very secure in my identification as a TS. Still collecting evidence, trying to assess the degree. Latest bits of evidence:

(1) An earlier diary entry says, "I became fed up with being male..." However, certified males don't become fed up with being male, do they? But a TS? Yes, makes sense. I remember my male pride vanishing with the gender shift before castration.

(2) Around age 12, I recall my mom having some cold cream containing estrogen which I wanted to surreptitiously use on my chest (for breast development). Not sure why I didn't follow thru. Maybe I was afraid she'd notice a quantity missing. And maybe I was scared of "overnight" results which would be hard to explain. (You know how a child's imagination works!) Back then, didn't realize how long breast development takes.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

RANDOM THOUGHTS

There are moments which tease or mock us as transsexuals. My boy and I were at a playground Sunday. At one point, I felt a coolness on one of my nipples and wondered [hopefully], "Am I lactating?" OHHH! Such PATHETIC hopes! No, it was just a drop of sweat. As the disappointment washed over me, my boy asked why I was getting "emotional."

Accidentally cut my hair too short on Saturday. Was horrified! A dumb mistake for a male, but a crushing mistake for a TS. Had to hold back the tears while asking my wife for suggestions for how to correct things.

Lately, whenever I encounter or use the word "transition" in everyday communication, there's a mental gasp/pause.

BACK TO THE THERAPIST'S COUCH

As you know, I have been puzzling over my TS condition, trying to assess prior evidence and degree. While looking at some TV/TS classifications (Benjamin (http://www.genderpsychology.org/transse ... in_gd.html) and Watson (http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/watson.html)), was struck by the high-intensity TS: "Despises his male sex organs. Danger of suicide or self-mutilation, if too long frustrated." That was ME after the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift!

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

Think what you want about this next section, but I've been open and honest throughout this diary. Won't hold back now. These are the sincere thoughts of a TS patient.

The change was so dramatic when the gender shift occurred! Previous attempts to explain my present TS condition have been unsatisfactory. So I'm going to try yet another frame of mind. Let's assume a supernatural agent changed my gender during Oct-Nov 2004.

The obvious question: Who was the supernatural agent? Either God or Satan, if we approach this from a Christian perspective. But you know what? It really doesn't matter. Even Bible authors had a hard time figuring out agents sometimes; compare the two passages where King David decides to take a census of fighting men:

Again the anger of the LORD burned against Israel and he incited David against them...

- 2 Samuel 24:1

Satan rose up against Israel and incited David...

- 1 Chronicles 21:1

So I'm not going to obsess over WHO switched my gender. Each had reason to:

- Afflicting someone with intense TSism is no less than an attempt to destroy them or their ministry (i.e., suicide/divorce/transition).

- I suffered from 3-day "waves" of addictive sexual thoughts periodically: a wave would strike and I'd fight. Thinking I had the upper hand, I'd turn out to be wrong. After a struggle (and some failure), the wave would end, usually via fasting. And I'd never know when the next wave would strike. Wanted the appetites which led to these waves GONE. Held onto Matthew 5:6: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." In retrospect, I had a very mild degree of TSism, it was probably the main source of my problems, and it was impossible to remove it.

The gender shift only increased my problems (in the short term). With no prior history of such things, started strangling my male equipment and tried every means I could think of to diminish/disable it (various improvised clips, cable-ties, shoelaces, tubes, Krazy glue, coat hangers, rubber bands, cloth tape, etc.) I had even improvised a burdizzo clamp with vise-grip pliers (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpos ... ostcount=3). In addition to all that, I was identifying with females and fantasizing a female role during masturbation. Yup, a high-intensity TS!

Castration was necessary and provided some relief -- just as hormone therapy helps a high-intensity TS.

So where does that leave me? During this journey, I have been surprised at the completeness of the gender change (feeling female, unconscious change in mannerisms, 92% feminine on a gender test, maternal desires). No wonder I get depressed when the female is repressed -- IT'S ME!

Useful yardstick from Jesus: "You shall judge a tree by its fruit." My thought-life is clean now, but it's been a struggle just to live: suicidal thoughts, depression, marriage difficulties, lower productivity at work. Is that good fruit or bad? A mix, definitely.

It would remain a puzzle if not for the church experience on October 2nd, when the Lord accepted my offer of working

in Heaven's nursery for aborted

children. He accepts me as a female. I like to think He was behind the gender shift, considering how complete it was. (He does good work, you know! ) The marriage problems (and succeeding depression) didn't begin until I revealed the TSism to my wife in early October 2005.

This all sounds so bizarre. But every other explanation is equally unsatisfactory. I had gone from being a low-intensity, non-practicing TV to a high-intensity TS overnight.

CONCLUSION (for now )

Being female suits me. It was my preference going back to childhood. Being male presented sexual/moral problems which I couldn't overcome. In my present state, sexual problems aren't an issue at all. Because it appears my gender was changed supernaturally and since God has accepted me in my new gender, I'm going to accept myself as a female. Self-acceptance has been part of the struggle thoughout this ordeal: I like being female, but am I in this position legitimately? If not, it could be taken from me. (You could say I like the disease more than the cure.) Besides, self-acceptance as a TS is incredibly hard! How many times does a TS have to come out to self before denial is truly gone, never rising again?

Still want to be faithful to my family. God will have to show me how to live (if He doesn't take me soon).

So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

- 1 Peter 4:19

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I am glad to see that even though you struggle, you are still managing to make it through each day. There was once a time when I was in your position, wanting to kill myself if I couldn't be female, so I do have an idea of where you are coming from. And I didn't even believe in God at the time, so I pretty much had no one. I am doing better now because I believe I have resolved what I need to do for myself, and I think there will come a time when you reach a resolution of your own, be it whatever it may, and find similar peace.

There are times when I regret what I have done to myself so far, but I now recognize all of it as a necessary part of what was meant to be for me. God has plans for each of us, plans designed uniquely for our individual selves from the beginning of time. It is possible to stray from the plan and follow plans of our own, but usually we find that sticking to God's plan makes things so much easier. I don't know what God's plan is for you, and you probably don't either right now. I do believe God intends for some people to transition and for others not to. If God wants you to transition, you'll be led to do so when the time is right and given everything you need to see it through. If not, God will provide a way for you to live your life and again give you everything you need to see it through.

There can also be times when we can't tell whether certain circumstances in our lives are part of God's plan or ours. It is in those cases that we should pray and ask him. I truly believe in my heart that God intended for me to be castrated, whatever his reason for it may have been. I also believe that he does not intend for me to go further at this time. At the time of the castration I would not necessarily have believed it was part of God's plan, but that was before certain things that have happened over the past year happened. You seem to have a strong faith in God, and this can get you through anything you might be dealing with. Don't be afraid to ask God for as much help as you need. He will take care of you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Was a bit weepy this morning. Just so tired of trying to figure out this thing.

Has the new frame of mind been helpful? Yes, to an extent. The helpful part has been seeing I was high-intensity TS before castration; whether the origin was supernatural is moot. The onset was so rapid, it caught this patient by surprise. So rapid, I didn't have time to realize my gender identity had flipped. Consequently, I dealt with the problems as though I were a male whose libido went berserk. Castration was the obvious solution. Because of the subsequent hormonal changes, it's been difficult assessing the actual degree of TSism.

If I were to tell my wife I became a high-intensity TS at the time of the gender shift, the marriage would be over. She figures I didn't become weird until after the hormonal changes of castration. But the weirdness began with the gender shift. She can't hack the thought of being married to a female (regardless of the male packaging). So I have been quiet; have been since May 31st. I'm pretending to be "mostly-male inside" for her sake. For instance, if she compliments a driving maneuver, I say, "It comes with having an 'M' on the birth certificate." How long can I live this dual life? (At this, the readers say in unison, "Welcome to the realities of GID, Terri. We've been living the lie a lot longer than you!") Knowing how open and honest I am as a person, the present situation doesn't look maintainable.

Had a dream two nights ago where I was sitting on the floor sorting thru possessions (like in a divorce?). There was a lot of "change" (coins) on the floor. Was discarding old "masculine" wall decorations, bending/mangling them in the process. A little later, was trying to avoid groups of people (family? church?). Later in the dream, went flying and had no effort gaining altitude. On my way upward, successfully avoided two separate bundles of overhead wires (of the railroad/telegraph sort), then ran into a third bundle but wasn't hurt and was able to continue onward.

I suppose we can make our preferences known to God. Transition would not be good for me. Too many temptations if I became post-op. Yet I can't see life going on status quo. We aren't allowed to take our own lives, but we can indicate to God what we imagine to be best. Under the circumstances, an early death seems like a good solution.

Terri

P.S. -- Thanks Plix for your sweet response.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

There's a TG movie on Lifetime channel tonight. Here's the press release:

"A GIRL LIKE ME: The Gwen Araujo Story" -- premieres Monday, June 19 at 9PM (ET/PT) -Based on a true story, the Lifetime Original Movie follows Sylvia Guerrero (Mercedes Ruehl, "Married to the Mob"), a single mother whose teenager (J.D. Pardo, "American Dreams"), born Eddie Araujo, boldly decides to live life as a female by growing long hair, wearing women's clothing and make-up and eventually adopting the name Gwen, after her idol, singer Gwen Stefani. Her difficult decision creates tension and conflict within her traditional close-knit Latino family but over time, they slowly learn to understand and accept Gwen's choice. When Gwen's transgender status is discovered by four males at a local party, they brutally beat and kill her. Gwen's senseless murder shakes her Northern California community and makes headlines across the nation. Sylvia decides to dedicate her life to bringing her daughter's killers to justice and advocating for the rights of all transgender people. The LOM also stars Lupe Ontiveros ("Desperate Housewives," "Selena"). Produced by Braun Entertainment Group and Sony Pictures Television and co-executive produced by attorney Gloria Allred, who represented the family during the murder trial.

If you aren't able to watch tonight, it comes on again Sunday at 7pm.

* * *

Think the Lord is starting to deal with my desire to die. Woke up yesterday with the Green Day song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" running thru my mind. Figured the Lord may be speaking thru it, so looked up the lyrics. The lyrics didn't mean much on their own, so delved further. Turns out Billie Joe Armstrong wrote the lyrics from the pain of losing his father at age 10:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_Me_Up ... ember_Ends

In this melancholy ballad, Billie Joe...takes a trip back to his painful childhood and thinks about the day he lost his innocence when his father died. Like many faced with such a traumatic event, Billie Joe never truly recovered, and he can't believe that twenty years have passed since the day. As Armstrong associates pain with the month September, the death month of his father, he would rather not deal with anything related to the month...

Guess the Lord wants me to consider the impact my death would have on our 6yo son. By inference, the Lord is saying I have more years to live. That's a bit disappointing, but I know He's with me.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I taped the movie so I hope to have a chance to watch it soon

All you really can do in a situation like this is make the best of it. That's what I've learned over these past few months. There are still times when I wish I were a girl, but I have accepted that's not what is meant to be for me and I am working looking at the good that is in my life. And the more I look, the more I realize there is a lot more than I previously thought.

When you spend your time focusing on the positive, you don't tend to be as bothered by the negative. No matter how bad things are, there is always at least a little bit of good that you can reach out and grasp. You have a lot of family here, including me . I love you and want to see you succeed, and I know that can and will happen someday.

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Hi Plix! Sounds like we are on the same page. I am doing well, and I agree that if we entertain those thoughts, it is very unhealthy for my spirit. I wish you the best, and feel free to contact me if you desire. Hugs, Leona

I taped the movie so I hope to have a chance to watch it soon

All you really can do in a situation like this is make the best of it. That's what I've learned over these past few months. There are still times when I wish I were a girl, but I have accepted that's not what is meant to be for me and I am working looking at the good that is in my life. And the more I look, the more I realize there is a lot more than I previously thought.

When you spend your time focusing on the positive, you don't tend to be as bothered by the negative. No matter how bad things are, there is always at least a little bit of good that you can reach out and grasp. You have a lot of family here, including me . I love you and want to see you succeed, and I know that can and will happen someday.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

-- 1 Peter 5:7

I guess one of the essential ingredients of faith is believing that God loves/cares for us and is actively involved in our lives. Without that assurance, we would be tempted to take matters into our own hands.

ON THE THERAPIST'S COUCH

During a sleepless time two nights ago, found myself grieving that I ever belonged to the horny sex. I've lived as a full-testosterone man and am ashamed. On Father's Day, our pastor had all the men come to the front for a special time of prayer. He reminded us, "Men, there are things you shouldn't put before your eyes... the internet makes certain things more available than ever..." Are we all so weak? I think back to when my wife wanted to become pregnant. She WANTED a baby. Like any man, I enjoyed the baby-making; however, was ambivalent/apprehensive about becoming a father. When our son arrived, had to ask God to help me love him. What a pitiful difference between genders. [At this, a therapist could note, "Patient's gender pride has definitely switched from birth gender."]

The following reflections are a bit personal but provide a look into this varied thing called GID. (A post on another site about never crossdressing before transition triggered the thoughts.) After the gender shift and prior to castration, I d

esperately wanted to wear ladies underwear.

After castration, that desire faded into a more practical outlook. Told myself, "I would be happy to wear a bra -- if I had breasts requiring support, and I hope they grow. I'd be happy to wear ladies underwear -- if Mr. Penis is removed, and, yes, a penectomy would be nice." Back when I was a TV, what was important was the look (even though I never got out of the closet). After the gender shift, what's important is the body; clothes are secondary. In other words, I don't want to play "dress up," with falsies and a wig. I want the hair to be real, the breasts to be real, etc.

Occurred to me my life has become divided into two segments: before gender shift and after gender shift. As significant as my eunuch day (April 6, 2005) has been, Gender Shift (Oct-Nov 2004) has proven to be more significant.

* * *

Plix and Leona,

(Happy Birthday, Leona!)

Don't want this to seem like a game of "I can be more down than you," but I intend for this diary to accurately reflect the thoughts and struggles which accompany my GID. If I ignored the negative, this diary would be a sham. But I'll try to apply your advice. For one thing (looking at the positive), my work has improved considerably now that a support-hungry application has been retired. It accounted for half my workload and was demanding, boring, and frustrating. It burned me out, not once but twice.

"Focus on the positive." I'll be the first to admit I'm not there yet:

+ Positive: My body is healthy.

- Negative: I have to endure life longer.

+ Positive: I have a loving wife and child.

- Negative: It will all unravel if I express my true self.

+ Positive: Testicles are gone, and I don't have to deal with libido.

- Negative: I can't tell anyone about the wonderful difference lest I become an embarassment or worse.

Won't call this a positive, but it is a mitigating factor: was reading about a post-op MtF who is considering de-transitioning because of the continual effort in certain aspects (voice being one of them). Although transitioning was right for her psyche, the maintenance is taking its toll.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

The following reflections are a bit personal but provide a look into this varied thing called GID. (A post on another site about never crossdressing before transition triggered the thoughts.) After the gender shift and prior to castration, I d

esperately wanted to wear ladies underwear.

After castration, that desire faded into a more practical outlook. Told myself, "I would be happy to wear a bra -- if I had breasts requiring support, and I hope they grow. I'd be happy to wear ladies underwear -- if Mr. Penis is removed, and, yes, a penectomy would be nice." Back when I was a TV, what was important was the look (even though I never got out of the closet). After the gender shift, what's important is the body; clothes are secondary. In other words, I don't want to play "dress up," with falsies and a wig. I wa

nt the hair to be real, the breasts to be real, etc.

I understand this exactly. For me it has never been about the clothes. I dressed rarely before the start of transition and have not in over 7 months. I just never saw the point of dressing if I were still a man in a dress. And that is still how I would see myself if I dressed, which is part of why I don't.

I wouldn't worry at all about having a hard time at this point with focusing on more positive things. Just give it time and live each day the best you can.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA?

As you know, it's hard for some TS's to diagnose their condition: "Am I TV or TS? Am I more female or male?" Wish there were objective ways to measure our condition. Here are two touchstones for your consideration:

1. Determining whether a confused person is really TV or TS:

Background: When I was a TV, it was a matter of shame/embarrassment; didn't reveal it to anyone except lovers. As a TS, however, there isn't a sense of shame. Rather, I would like to reveal the condition so people would know how to relate to me and I, in turn, could be freer to express myself around them. Wonder what TV's thinks about TS's? I can't get back into that frame of mind, but wonder if there's either a sense of "they're taking this girlie stuff too far" or just detached tolerance (i.e., "whatever floats your boat"). In other words, there really isn't a heart-level understanding of the underlying reason (cross-gender identity).

So, could you discern whether a person is TV or TS by their attitudes toward each group? It appears TS's express some disdain toward their "part-time"/"dress-up" counterparts, and TV's may think, "What I do may be weird, but TS's are REALLY weird."

2. Determining a confused person's gender identity:

Background: I definitely possessed male pride before the gender shift: was proud to love the Three Stooges, proud to not ask for directions, and so on. However, that pride vanished after the gender shift occurred. I started admiring qualities of females that I had previously disparaged, such as talkativeness. I currently have no male pride and feel like I'm walking around with a sign on me saying, "Part of the problem, not the solution."

So, could you determine a person's gender identity -- to an extent -- by which gender they take pride in?

* * *

A THESIS

These two touchstones have me wondering whether the saying "We take pride in who we are" is truer than we think. That is, whatever we are, we take some pride in that identity. If we are a male, we pride ourselves in our superior differences over women (and our arrogance as well ). If we are female, we laugh at what goofballs men can be, knowing we have found a better way to live, valuing relationships over toys. So here's what I'm getting at: if the saying "we take pride in who we are" is true, then you can determine a peron's identity -- to an extent -- by what they take pride in. (NOTE: We must distinguish between identity and role. There are roles we fulfill which we don't take pride in. But if there's something we take pride in, it defines part of our identity.)

Illustrating with some examples:

1. I had to shoot a varmint (armadillo) last night. Not something I enjoy or take pride in. So although I'm fulfilling a traditionally-male role, it's not part of my identity.

2. I am proud to belong to Christ. However, I remember in my youth when, although a regular churchgoer, I would have been ashamed to be identified as a goody-two-shoes. The thesis holds true: I wasn't Christian back then, but am now.

3. My TVism has always been an area of shame, but I recall envying (admiring?) TS's like Wendy Carlos. Following the thesis above, I really wasn't TV but was TS instead.

Let me know what you think,

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I would like to caution you again on the difference between identity and role. I like that you made this distinction, but I'd ask you to think about whether it goes far enough. I would suggest that distinguishing between female and male identity and stereotypical masculine and feminine traits is also important. Most emotional men are not women, and most athletic women are not men.

That being said, I do think that what you take pride in plays a part in forming your identity. You have to feel good about who you are, and you have to be what you feel.

As far as discovering whether a person is TV or TS is concerned, I would say that nobody but the individual herself can make that decision, and that even excludes doctors and therapists. Those people can only guide a person toward what is already inside them.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a short note to let you know I'll be offline until Friday. Guess I've been doing pretty well. Still have my private times of bawling/howling over things I can't change (coming out as a boy), but moods have been stable.

As far as discovering whether a person is TV or TS is concerned, I would say that nobody but the individual herself can make that decision, and that even excludes doctors and therapists. Those people can only guide a person toward what is already inside them.

Agreed. I should have written it as a self-diagnostic.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

On the long drive home yesterday, was getting more and more depressed. Realized I was hoping to meet death along the way -- and the chances were getting slimmer and slimmer. Haven't been praying for death (not since

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

made its impact), but I can still hope for death.

Had a short time of bawling last night while no one was home. Was thinking: "I'd like to take estrogen...but would it be okay?" Then the tears and groans came: "I just want to die. I am sooo tired of dealing with these conflicts." Feeling railroaded again: I don't want a second divorce, but the female gender identity makes things awkward. What's a Christian TS to do?

Would you believe I had been doing pretty well? Even enjoyed interacting with others at the main office this week. There's an attractive co-worker I previously shied away from. In the past, figured it would be best to not get too friendly since I couldn't be sure my intentions were pure. Now that I don't think of females in a sexual way, it was great being able to interact with her naturally.

Maybe the insights of June 15-16 were a breakthrough. Not spending as much time wondering how I came into this TS condition, nor taking much time to assess its depth. Acceptance is settling in: "This is who I am." There's also a sense of confidence/pride of who I am. Things like being able to listen to music at work now. Barely notice it sometimes; never could have done that before the gender shift. So, do I have a multi-tasking female brain now?

My past makes more sense now. As assorted little memories come to mind, I put them through the TS-filter and there's cohesion with the present.

Stopped taking my medications a week ago. As you recall, I take DHEA to help boost T-level and 5-HTP as an anti-depressant. Want to be my unadulterated self for the psychologist on July 18. I would have stopped anyway, just to see how things are now. I'm not thrilled with the boosted T.

I work at home and find it necessary to take significant breaks (20 minutes) in the morning and afternoon just to prayerfully process/accept who I am. Guess this has been a coping strategy.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I have been back and forth so many times with taking and not taking estrogen, just like you have switched many times the types of medications you are taking. I think it has been hard for me to suppress fully who I am, but I decided long ago that transition is not worth the hassle and not something I am going to be doing.

You already know that I will support you in whatever decision you make. You may know that many transsexuals before you have made the choice to divorce in order to pursue their needs, and that may or may not be what is right for you. Some have been lucky enough to have a spouse that will support transition, although this is rare. Others still have chosen to suppress their identities for their loved ones. Only you can decide if a lifelong suppression is something you will be able to do. Not everyone can.

If you were willing, you could probably get away with taking a very small dose of estrogen without your wife's knowledge. This is because the physical effects would not be very noticeable on such a dose. However, since you are castrated the "safe" dose would be considerably less than for an intact "man". I don't condone dishonesty in a marriage, but I realize there is a time and place for everything.

There are ways you can purchase estrogen without a prescription if this is something you would ever be willing to consider.

Hang in there and be sure to keep us updated

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

On the long drive home yesterday, was getting more and more depressed. Realized I was hoping to meet death along the way -- and the chances were getting slimmer and slimmer. Haven't be

praying for death (not since

150717980]
"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

made its impact), but I can still hope for death.

Had a short time of bawling last night while no one was home. Was thinking: "I'd like to take estrogen...but would it be okay?" Then the tears and groans came: "I just want to die. I am sooo tired of dealing with these conflicts." Feeling railroaded again: I don't want a second divorce, but the female gender identity makes things awkward. What's a Christian TS to do?

Would you believe I had been doing pretty well? Even enjoyed interacting with others at the main office this week. There's an attractive co-worker I previously shied away from. In the past, figured it would be best to not get too friendly since I couldn't be sure my intentions were pure. Now that I don't think of females in a sexual way, it was great being able to interact with her naturally.

Maybe the insights of June 15-16 were a breakthrough. Not spending as much time wondering how I came into this TS condition, nor taking much time to assess its depth. Acceptance is settling in: "This is who I am." There's also a sense of confidence/pride of who I am. Things like being able to listen to music at work now. Barely notice it sometimes; never could have done that before the gender shift. So, do I have a multi-tasking female brain now?

My past makes more sense now. As assorted little memories come to mind, I put them through the TS-filter and there's cohesion with the present.

Stopped taking my medications a week ago. As you recall, I take DHEA to help boost T-level and 5-HTP as an anti-depressant. Want to be my unadulterated self for the psychologist on July 18. I would have stopped anyway, just to see how things are now. I'm not thrilled with the boosted T.

I work at home and find it necessary to take significant breaks (20 minutes) in the morning and afternoon just to prayerfully process/accept who
[/quote]
I am. Guess this has been a coping strategy.

Terri

DHEA is a precursor to Testosterone. It might not be working the same as taking Testosterone does. I tried daily tabs of DHEA and started having anxiety issues. I stopped and then during the last blood work up I was told my DHEA was in the low end. I tried taking small does every other day and didn't have all the anxiety issues. I also have not noticed much if any change.

RE: The cute coworker. If your sex drive is hitting zero it sill won't stop her from showing a sexual interest in you. You in a odd position. My opinion is this. If your feeling like Death sounds good as a Male Eunuch then making a change to female makes a lot of sense. I would talk to a Doctor and ask how she/he wants to handle the Hormone issues. Then live that way for a while and see how you do. Low hormones and mental depression seem to go hand in hand. Maybe Female levels of Estrogen, Progesterone and Testosterone will help you wake up ready to take on the day!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Yesterday had some rough spots. Spent the day with in-laws at a Fourth-of-July pool party. Did okay the first few hours, although mother-in-law seemed a bit standoffish. (We live together most of the time, but she has been staying at her vacation place for the last three weeks.) After awhile, it got harder and harder to keep my mind off gender. Found myself studying a nephew's chest. This nephew is a soft male, gifted verbally, writes poetry, and is universally loved. He appears to have mild gynecomastia. So I wondered if he has any gender issues. If he does, he'd probably be like the rest of us and wouldn't tell a soul.

Digression: It's very human to project our problems on others. How rare is transsexuality? Yet I was projecting it on a nephew yesterday. Some time ago, I did the same with two women at work, mentioning the possibility each had GID to my wife. She cut things short saying I shouldn't "insult" them that way. Was left dumbfounded, thinking, "I don't consider it an insult." That day, my wife let slip what she really thinks about people with GID.

In the pool, death came to mind a few times. Was thinking, "These folks probably enjoy life. I, on the other hand, would just like to disappear from the scene. Don't want to be the first divorce in this family. Even at this pool party, I'm miserable." Just wanted to cry.

As the party wore on, folks divided by gender. Was straddling both groups so I could participate in each. Proved too strainful after awhile so just went indoors and played the piano. That was a pleasant oasis. Also enjoyed the times when I played with my son one-on-one with Legos.

Which gets me thinking: In the past, I've usually socialized best in very small groups, with one-on-one friendships being the best. Mixed groups were fine, but not the norm. When it was a group of guys, I wasn't interested. The smaller the group, the less gender is involved.

Quote of the Day: Saw this at BeginningLife.com in reply to someone's decision to transition:

Congratulations on taking the first steps to a continued existence on this Earth. You see, that's what the literature says. What our common experience says. You have a 3-way choice: Transition, Institutionalisation, or Death. There is no fourth alternative.

* * *

Why do I write diary entries like today's? To chronicle what GID can be like in the time period after recognition/acceptance and before the decision to transition. Life is uncomfortable and stunted.

TS's are called selfish for their decision to "wreck their family" and transition. Therefore, let this diary illustrate the turmoil (and helplessness) which precedes a decision to transition. You know what my GID feels like? Like the end of a game where some moves are still left to be played out, but the conclusion is certain: the other player wins. I would prefer to resign from the game rather than go though the moves. Since we aren't allowed to resign from the game, we have to do what we have to do.

Still waiting to see what July 15th will bring. As you recall, any "life moves" have been put on hold until then. A few days later I'll be visiting a psychologist.

Terri