Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Lots of turmoil. Upshot is I'm packing today and rolling out of town tomorrow (July 15th!) for my sister's place in Philadelphia. The point of contention is my insistence on being female inside combined with refusing reparative therapy to "correct" it.

The climax to it all was a question wife asked, not unlike one of the COGIATI questions: "If the Lord were standing here, ready to make you a content male, would you accept that gift?" I had to think long and hard, and asked for exact wording. That response in itself was sufficient to tell wife what she needed to know.

As I struggled with that question in prayer later, I sensed the Lord saying, "Are you not happy with how I made you?" (meaning female inside). "Oh, Lord! Yes -- I like the way you made me!"

My mom is upset. She wants me to "get help" (in the form of psychiatric medications). She asked my wife if there is some way to commit me to a hospital ward. Wife confessed she would have conspired to do just that if it were possible nowadays. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Get me outta here now!

Didn't sleep much last night, as you can imagine. Thoughts of my .22 rifle in the bedroom closet came to mind. But what a pitiful suicide weapon! Regardless, I just wanted to take it outside (unloaded) and smash it on the concrete driveway so it couldn't tempt anymore. Then I remembered: mother-in-law keeps a loaded handgun in her room, "and she's gone tonight..." I was still in our bedroom when wife heard my distress and asked what was the matter. She promptly hid the guns.

I say good-bye to my boy today. Shocks don't get much bigger than this. All he will know is "Daddy has something like leprosy inside his mind. Remember how lepers used to have to stay away from everyone else? He has to go away because he's become hard to live with. He's going to consult with doctors who will try to make him better. Remember Terry the Robot who lost an arm but Wally the Robotmaker didn't bother to fix him? (Refers to one of our improvised bedtime stories.) I'm like Terry. I need healing and it hasn't come yet."

Probably won't be online again until Tuesday. Inquiring minds want to know: Do I hope to die on the highway? Am I still praying for death? No on both counts. Death would be okay, but I am looking forward to this new adventure which will make me whole. I expect to enjoy the trip.

Terri (the Robot )

[plix (imported)]

It seems like this is all happening so suddenly. I remember when not long ago you were saying no major life changes until after the 15th. And now you have some pretty big ones happening right now. But even though I worry about you, I also am very excited for you and the fact that you might finally have a chance to let the real you live.

I wish you a safe journey to Philly, and please update as soon as you can. I am going to be worried until I hear from you Please call me as soon as you have a chance also (at the new number). I really want to hear from you and know that you are ok.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My dearest Terri

Good luck and God's speed on your journey to Philly. I know this whole thing with the wife, pending divorce, the separation from your son and all the other stuff you've been through has been extremely difficult, but you're now on your way Girl!

In response to your most recent post, if our Lord made the same offer to me, I'd have to turn him down. I'm happy with who I am and what I want to be, which as you know, is not MALE!

I'm with Plix. I'll be thinking about you while you're on the road. Please drive carefully and take good care of yourself. We all love you!

Please post when you arrive in Philly or give me a quick call. You have my number and I would love to hear from you.

L & R

[bryan (imported)]

ADDENDUM: Just said good-bye to my boy. He did well. Glad for that. It will sink in later, no doubt. Of course, gender issues weren't taking a holiday. As I looked at the women present and a make-up purse on the coffee table, I thought, "Is that what this is all about? So I can dress, have long hair, and play with make-up?" No, that's not my first pick. Keeping the family together would be my preference. But high-intensity TSism is like a train you can't get off, or like someone is holding a gun to your head. You learn what you're willing to do to survive -- since suicide is against the rules.

Did some crying/howling after the good-bye. Wife and her sister heard. To help her comprehend the depth of GID pain, shared with wife that's how it is around here sometimes when I'm alone.

Think we can say Terri has had a nervous breakdown. Now that I've told my employer I'm quitting, I see the need to have time off. Also, I look at this large property we live on (mother-in-law's); it's too much responsibility for me. If I ever return to this house, others will speak in hushed tones at gatherings, "Remember, now -- he had that nervous breakdown. So if he isn't the life of the party and has to be by himself, that's okay."

Had to laugh/roll-eyes each time my employer spoke about "transition plans" (i.e., how to shift my responsibilities to others). All they know is I've been suffering from "emotional problems stemming from stress, leading to depression."

Sorry to write so much! (Not trying to write a book -- honest!) Feel like I'm going into this process (i.e., transition) kicking and screaming. Had a special time around the lunch table today: wife, mother-in-law, and wife's sister. After enough chit-chat, I mentioned the elephant in the room. It was a good time of sharing with tears, though gender was avoided since wife's sister isn't privvy to that aspect. Was more at the level of "Bryan has had a nervous breakdown." Toward the end, asked the three pray over me. It was a "wet" time. Something I prayed aloud with transition in mind:

"Lord -- I feel like a child on a gurney being rolled into the hospital asking, 'Is this going to hurt? Do I really have to go thru it?'"

Terri

P.S. -- Not sure when I'll be leaving yet. Might be Monday. I'll keep you posted.

[bryan (imported)]

ADDENDUM #2:

TRANSITION -- It's sinking in.

Just had a time of bawling matching the intensity of the bawling in post 12

(http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=

50254&postcount=12) of this thread. Whereas post 12 contained deep hurt and disappointment, these were tears/howls of RELIEF and UTTER JOY:

I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG!

I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SOOOO LONG!

(since age 5)

Was checking facial features this evening to see whether surgery will be needed. Don't know enough to tell. Also, hard to tell with the beard; its days are numbered. Probably will go at the first hotel on the way to Philly.

While contemplating this huge change, the Lord has been bringing a Steven Curtis Chapman song to mind ("I Will Be Here"):

Just as sure as seasons were made for change

Our lifetimes were made for these years

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

All the lines above are meaningful, but the bolded one is particularly reassuring. Yes, my nascent female ego is wondering if I'll look nice. But it's bittersweet because I won't be around for my wife. And, actually, the bawling started over her future (I'm sad for her).

Only natural to try fitting TSism into God's scheme of things. After all, it seems like an intentional act if a female soul is attached to the chromosomes of a boy. (Just my humble opinion.) In that case, TSism is the human analogue of metamorphasis from caterpillar to butterfly. (Applies to TS genitalia as well. Told someone on another board: "The ugly caterpillar will turn into a beautiful butterfly. Don't cut it off!")

It's obvious I'm in the honeymoon phase of transition. Time for bed.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Despite all that's happening, I'm experiencing "the peace the surpasses all understanding." So I know I'm on the right path.

Told wife of transition decision. Time for the bridges to start burning. She is going to tell our employer so that she may remain in the organization. (As a consequence of said notification, I will probably be terminated immediately without a chance to wrap up loose ends. Leprosy, you understand.) She wants to initiate divorce proceedings immediately. I won't get any visitation or custody rights, and our boy will go to her sister and brother-in-law in the event of her death. I am not going to contest the arrangement so that there may be peace; a constant tug-of-war which includes religiously-charged slander would only do more damage to our boy. She does not want child support lest I build an indirect case for visitation. Like I have said previously, this situation is little different from a death in the family. Thank goodness for mail and telephone.

If I get the time tonight, will compose and mail "coming out" letters to my family. We have a family vacation coming up in three weeks, so the issue must be aired soon. Otherwise, I would have to fumble and mumble when folks ask why our marriage is over.

"And the flames from the bridges that were burning that night illuminated the overcast sky with an eerie orangish-red glow, so bright it cast shadows a half-day's journey away, according to some witnesses."

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

July 15th ADDENDUM:

Considering how the past 5 days have gone, the quote below from Grace and Lace is worth repeating. Now that I have officially crashed, pretty spectacularly in my opinion, it all rings so true.

http://members.aol.com/gnlnews/

lives.html

Perhaps, had I met an early death from an accident or some disease, I would have never come to the crisis point in my life that essentially every transsexual eventually reaches. The repression, the continual striving to appear "normal" and the incredible psychological burden to maintain such an elaborate façade over decades of one's life eventually leads all of us to a point where it is impossible to go on any more. We become so depressed and despondent, some even to the point where we think we are losing our very grip on reality, that there is no longer any real "choice" any more. If we do not acknowledge who we are inside and attempt to deal with it some positive way, then our only other option is death. That is why there is such a high incidence of suicide amongst the transsexual population. That is also why so many intelligent, highly motivated, professional-type people end up transitioning in their late forties and early fifties- they have gone on for so very long, trying not to fail all of those who depend on them. But we are all eventually worn down and become unable to repress what we have always known about ourselves from an early age. So we "crash" in one way or another, some more spectacularly than others. But then we begin the long process of resurrecting our true selves from the ashes of our old false identity; a painful course of action for not only ourselves, but also for our families, friends and nearly everyone associated with us. The only reason we go on through such an excruciating and complex process called "transition" (involving hormone therapy, gender counseling, hundreds of hours of electrolysis (for M to F transsexuals) and, for most, multiple surgeries) is that there is no alternative, other than psychological (or a literal) death.

How do I feel? I'm doing just fine. No suicidal thoughts whatsoever. Even prayed for safety on the road today. All this without taking my medications! Why so good? Because I know the cure is on the way. Plus, the female formerly trapped inside has forcefully made herself known to the outside world. Wife's brother got FULL disclosure last night (and he still hugged me at the end). The coming-out letters are stamped and ready to go. A significant part of GID pain is having to keep the condition secret. You know what I say? (Watch out! Gonna be forceful here for the first time in this thread.) I say, "F*** those depression meds! Just let the lady out!"

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

For Terri Briana,

Congratulations on your birth, and I am so relieved to hear the message from your written words. I was very concerned about you, and started saying prayers for you. It appears there was an answer from on high. There clearly will be more issues, but it sounds like the worst part is behind you now.

[plix (imported)]

Now that I've heard good news from you, I am not so worried anymore It seems like everything is coming together, and I am extremely happy for you. I am definitely looking forward to watching the next parts of your story unfold.

*Hugs*

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'm outta here. Won't be online again until Thursday probably.

Thanks for all your love and concern,

Terri

[tugon (imported)]

Terri,

I am glad you are becoming your true self. Coming out is a brave act. I will pray that one day your son will have the love and understanding to seek you out. If I can do anything please let me know.

[Christina (imported)]

Hi all,

I just spoke with Terri on the phone and she would like everyone to know the move is going well. On her way to Philly, Lilac and I plan to meet Terri for chat and dinner tomorrow evening here in town. I will give another update tomorrow.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

I too spoke with Terri last night and given everything she's been through.....she was doing very well. I understand that she even shaved off the beard for the first time in many many years. She's on her way now girls and I'm so happy for her. A new city, a new job, a new life and a new beginning. She is truly a wonderful girl and I'm very proud of her.

She asked that I let everyone know that she'll be off line for a couple days while in transit, but I'm sure we'll hear from her as soon as she arrives safely in Philly. Good luck and God's speed my sister!

[Christina (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Lilac and I just got back from our meeting with Terri. We sat and talked for about 2 1/2 hours over dinner. She seems very happy now, and yes, looks much different without the beard. We could have sat and talked for hours but she still had about an hour and a half left on her drive to Philly. She also sends her best to everyone and said she should be back online tomorrow.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Have arrived in Philly: my new home, my place of exile. Doing pretty well. Still no thoughts of suicide. In fact, had a fantastic time on the piano this morning. (So glad my sister has one.) Could tell the Spirit was empowering the playing.

My parents and siblings have been in communication among themselves about "THE LETTER," which will probably arrive today in their mailboxes. Mom told Dad, then they had a big pow-wow to warn the others what was coming.

Going to see a psychiatrist today to make the family happy. The 1.5 session will cost $250. The main concern is to see whether I am thinking rationally and assess to what extent depression is present. The doctor has seen "at least one" TG before.

No doubt, the gender identity will be probed, so I'm going to prepare for the inevitable question: "Why do you think you're female inside?"

The $250 price tag has one advantage. When things escalate to this degree, you don't hold ANYTHING back. These ARE the "big guns."

Got an insight into this complex situation: As you recall, I had been praying for death. God has, in a sense, granted that request for I am out from under those responsibilities and am "dead' to those back home. But now, instead of taking me to Heaven, God is saying, "You don't have to leave this earth just yet. There are still things you can do for Me, and we need to nurture/repair your wounded female identity."

NOTE: If the above paragraph or any of this post strikes you as irrational, please don't notify Dr. Twohundredandfiftybux.

* * *

Reflections from the trip:

On Sunday night, while preparing to shave my beard, considered whether to trim leg hair as well. But said to self, "It hasn't been bothering me." Then sensed the Lord saying, "Does it always have to be from pain?" Wise words. You can't drive a transition via pain alone. Used the 1/8th-inch trimmer.

On the road, saw a billboard for a Bible outlet store. Figured I needed a new Bible, a women's one. After all, need to nurture this female identity who's been brainwashed to think as a male. I had a real "can do" spirit and pulled off at the outlet mall. Lo and behold, the hotel by the outlet mall had this simple and bold sign: "WHATEVER IT TAKES." Exactly! Whatever it takes to beat this thing called GID. Also got a bookmark with the verse, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Even has a purple cord on it (my color).

While sitting down to lunch one day, saw a father carrying his young boy hug-style, and put my head down on the table to quietly weep. Ignored the food and drafted a "final letter" to my boy since it appears I'll have absolutely no visitation (no letters, no phone calls, no gifts). Wife and her family are on a witchhunt. They are inspecting the house with a fine-tooth comb to be sure I didn't leave any revealing messages behind for our son, telling him I feel like a girl inside. That same witchhunt mentaility is driving the "no visitation" policy.

Pondered whether to avoid transition and instead strive for androgyny. But realized that was an escape.

Practiced my voice quite a bit. Voice is my biggest fear.

Bought a purse to hold female toiletry/cosmetic items as I get them. Also got a sleeveless sleep shirt.

I'm finding all of this coming very naturally, like it was meant to be.

* * *

Christina and Lilac: Thanks so much for the time at dinner. Loved finally being able to meet you.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Wow! I am so happy for you! Since you have had this move planned you seem so much happier. In talking to you over the phone, I could easily tell the difference in your voice. The past times we spoke you sounded distant and depressed, but there was only joy in the voice I heard a few nights ago.

I am glad you made it safely to Philly. You have your entire new life ahead of you now, and I am sure you will enjoy every minute of it. Sure, there will still be struggles, but you will be your true self, and that is what counts.

From what I hear you are going to pass fine, and that is a definite plus

Let me know about August 4th when you get a chance.

[lindaleah (imported)]

Hello Terri

Hope I didn't rain on your parade in an earlier post. It was just my thinking and I do support others views. Just want to wish you the best on your journey and sorry for the pain. Just remember at worst when a child turns 18 they get to choose who they will see.

Lindaleah

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

"How did things go with the psychiatrist?"

Pretty well, but he's a poker face, so I really can't tell yet. The discussion went all over place and lasted 1.75 hours. All he recommended for now is weekly counseling. (Good! No meds! My sister stated ahead of time that in order for me to stay at her place, I'd have to submit to any recommended care/meds.) His main concern at this point was how recent the suicidal thoughts were, combined with all the life changes I'm undergoing (job loss, marriage breakup, move, etc.).

* * *

Been wavering on transition:

- Learned that electrolysis is more like $8000, not $1500, and takes two years. (Yikes!) Not only that, the pain of each follicle dying is likened to a bee sting. (Double yikes!) Gee, why not just volunteer for torture?

- My dad is encouraging me to get more testing to see whether the marriage could survive after all: "Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance." With that, denial sprouts once more and I think maybe I could return to a semblance of my former life.

So I negotiate with the dysphoria, looking for alternatives to transition.

Feeling angry again that I'm TS. Losing home life and son as a result. Not because of transition, but for merely being TS. It does leak out: my sister pointed out my female mannerisms (hands and facial expressions) to the psychiatrist.

The anger as well as the apprehension at transition make me wonder once more: "What is my gender identity?" But there's little question when I realize I don't even want to present as an obvious male anymore. No longer parting my hair and combing it across. Instead, I'm wearing it down in the front.

Instead of obsessing about the decision (i.e., transition), think I'll just start on electrolysis as an investment. There's certainly no risk getting rid of throat hair; would also like to get rid of nipple hair before the breasts become tender from hormones. Also, I'll be making appointments with a gender expert or two soon. Can't wait to see how that goes. Looks like the Philly area has good resources.

* * *

Here's a bright spot: my parents and siblings are all accepting of the TSism, and some have expressed support for transition if I decide to go that way. (Transition isn't a big issue yet since I told the family I hadn't firmly decided just yet. As the above paragraphs demonstrate, I do waver.)

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Many TSs go through periods of wavering. I went through those periods all the time, and I still do. I know that if I thought transition could work out in my life, I would do it in a second. I would strongly encourage you that if you truly are female and you truly think you can succeed at transitioning that you not deny yourself this opportunity.

Of course you always have the option of changing your mind, whether you don't think you are female, you don't think transition is your best option, or even if you want to but just decide not to. I am glad you are seeking help from a gender therapist because this person will have met many before you who went through the same things and will know how to help you. Don't be afraid to tell this gender therapist everything you are feeling.

Chances are that the therapist will not approve hormones for you until you are 100% sure you are female and that you want to transition. Don't rush this. It is very important to be absolutely sure because as you know some parts of transition are irreversible.

Laser is an alternative to electro for many, but keep in mind that it is not always permanent and does not work for all hair and skin types. Laser will not work well for me because of my red hair. A consultation with a laser hair removalist would be good if you are interested in this method.

[lindaleah (imported)]

Dear Terri

I know everyone's situation is different so take this for what it's worth to you.

It took me 40 years of marriage to arrive at were I am today. If GID acceptance was were it is today 40 years ago I would probably have been in your shoes then. I am fairly sure we would not have survived as a couple if I had come out then. My wife was extremely religious (talk about dysfunctional religions hers was Christian Scientist) (and I was relatively religious also) She and I dumped all religions when our kids turned to drugs. Praying didn't do a damn thing!! Tough love and reality did.

We have 3 kids (now in their 30's) and all three suffered from our lack of parenting skills and most likely my GID (well hidden until kids left home). I really feel they would have been way better off if I'd not been such a martyr about my GID. The only family member I have come out to so far is my wife about 15 years ago. No acceptance at first but has grown a lot in last few years, as have I.

I don't know where my journey will take me but I know I must pursue it for me. If I sacrifice myself for others ideas of what I should be, every one of us will lose. If a person has cancer and ignores it and he dies what good does that do? Certainly your children will be mad at you for not taking care of yourself and most likely all around you would be mad as well. AND YOU WILL BE DEAD and as I have stated before think of all the FUN you will miss. And Maybe JUST Maybe you will get to see you son sooner than his 18 birthday. BUT THEN IF YOU'RE DEAD THAT CAN'T HAPPEN!!! If you ignore who you really are it could be like a cancer and kill you!! DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!! You are too valuable of a person. Love yourself as you would love others.

Remember don't listen to anyone who wants to make you believe the way they do!! That includes me. If religion works for you go for it.

I really care (even if we don't see eye to eye on Religion)

Lindaleah

P.S. My therapist says hormones are a way to help decide if you have GID and are female or not. If you are male they will not bring the psychological change you want. But if you are female it would and that would be another confirmation that you are female!

[bryan (imported)]

We have 3 kids (now in their 30's) and all three suffered from our lack of parenting skills and most likely my GID (well hidden until kids left home). I really feel they would have been way better off if I'd not been such a martyr about my GID.

...

P.S. My therapist says hormones are a way to help decide if you have GID and are female or not. If you are male they will not bring the psychological change you want. But if you are female it would and that would be another confirmation that you are female!

Linda Leah,

Thanks for mentioning your kids. I wonder about my boy and what ill effects my parenting (and repressed GID) could have on him. My wife went thru a notebook my son and I use for a drawing game and she said, "Oh! The pain and thoughts of death are so evident. I let things go too long! I should have taken steps a year ago."

Regarding hormones: Think I've passed the hormone test already. Have embraced every change from castration. Although progesterone would help me sleep better, I refrain since it lowers estrogen production and I feel kind of dead/wooden as a result. I like my brain on estrogen. Estrogen also appears to have improved my piano-playing: more creative and expressive. Recently got compliments from wife and sister.

* * *

ADDENDUM: Two memories:

1. In sixth grade, two boys made fun of how I walked: too much "butt wiggle" for a boy. (Their observation was probably correct. So, how many times did people refrain from saying anything?)

2. Around the same time, would have preferred carrying books the girl way (clutched against chest); the boy way (carried low against the hip) wasn't comfortable and it was easy for books to slip out.

As part of my newfound freedom, picked up some TG books: "True Selves" and "Gender Outlaw."

At dinner last week, Christina had a nice way to describe the realization one is cross-gendered: "The sleeper awakened" (from Frank Herbert's Dune). Another way to describe it:

epiphany: A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization. Once you realize the problem, there's no going back to the old way of thinking. And after the epiphany, there's the question of what to do about it: squash the female or nurture the female? I'm now able to see it makes perfect sense to nurture the female.

I miss my boy.

MORE ADDENDUM: Just finished talking with my oldest brother. He mentioned that a gay friend back in high school stated "some femininity entered the room" whenever I showed up.

A rebuttal to ones like my wife who think I should undergo "reparative therapy" to restore my "damaged male identity": What would you expect to see in the case of a damaged male identity? Areas of dysfunction, certainly, and maybe some dissociation from maleness. But you wouldn't expect to see such a full female identity show up (maternal desires, altered sexual orientation, mannerisms, etc.). In other words, you would see DAMAGE. The female emerging doesn't seem to be damaged; just needs to shake off a few remaining male ways. Like my signature says, "Healthy baby girl..."

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Dear Terri,

It would be nice if your wife could find it in her heart to be open and accepting of your femininity. Best wishes for you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just got back from my first electrolysis session. The woman is older, TG-friendly, and pleasant to be with. Cost: $65/hr. Had her work on nipple hair. Figured it would be best to get that out of the way before tenderness develops from hormones someday. Pain was reasonably low except for some occasional doozies. Didn't use any medication.

Got appointments with two different gender therapists. First one is on Wednesday; the local Renaissance group meets in her building.

Had my second session with the psychiatrist. He's expressed some concern that mania or bipolar stuff may be involved. Not as an explanation for the gender problems but as an accompanying condition that may have to be addressed for a successful transition. I beg to differ for now. I think anyone who has been in the "pressure cooker" of repressed TSism would show symptoms of mental distress.

That's all for now,

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Hi Terri, I wanted to let everyone know that it was wonderful to meet you. Christina and I have met a few people here so far. Now I myself see some female features in your face. I think you are going to do just fine. But as you know it takes time and patients. I think that won't be a problem for you. We had a very nice time having dinner with you and talking. Can't wait to see the changes that you will go thru. I am very happy for you and glad you have done what you had to do to be who you were meant to be.

Love, Lilac

[plix (imported)]

So, after you've been through your first electro session, is it really as bad as you feared? I didn't think so on my first time, which was on my neck. I later found out that this electrologist (who was not TG-experienced) always started in one of the least painful areas so as to not scare people away. It got worse. Much worse. I ended up having to cut the sessions down to a half hour because I couldn't take it for an hour.

Not trying to scare you away, just wanting to share my own experiences with it. You may want to look into a topical anesthetic which you can get over the counter or prescribed. The prescribed probably works better.

I personally would not bother with nipple hair because not only do many women have it, but also I have noticed some change in it since castration and estrogen. Your money would probably be better invested at this point in face work at least until you see what hormones will do for you.

But that's just my opinion; you certainly don't have to take it Different people have different priorities, and for some getting rid of body hair entirely is important.

I am so glad to see you making progress