Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Lilac,

Thanks for your sweet message.

* * *

Plix,

As far as electrolysis pain goes, I'm wondering about the upper lip since that's one of the most sensitive areas of the beard. I figured nipple area is a close second, if not more sensitive.

* * *

Hi all,

Things ain't going so well. Sister is having a hard time emotionally with me around, harder than she expected. So I will be looking for new accommodations. Rest of family is thinking I should move [back] to Chicago, since that is where my family is centered. Any idea how good the TG services are in that area? Support groups, for instance? A quick check on the internet didn't look promising.

Sister is angry I tried electrolysis so soon. She is rightfully concerned about my wife/child and the economic uncertainties in our lives right now. For my part, I wanted to know what sort of torture to expect.

Which brings us to today's session with the psychiatrist: Sister and doctor are concerned I have a pattern of impulsive behavior, with examples including: religious conversion, second marriage, castration, and electrolysis. It's no fun being under the microscope. Doctor is concerned I will be a lone-ranger kind of transitioner; he's recommending locating near an interdisciplinary team of gender specialists (e.g., Johns Hopkins). Sounds a bit "ivory tower" to me, ESPECIALLY when a formal diagnosis hasn't even been made yet.

Seems he is not familiar with the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care (http://www.hbigda.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf). Decided to read them over today in order to protect myself. Very informative. Made notes on the pages for my sister to read. She's read some already and seems receptive. Seems like half the battle with GID is overcoming ignorance/prejudice, both among family/friends and professionals.

Neither my sister nor the doc view my upcoming appointments with gender therapists with much enthusiasm. So, do they think such folks are: (1) not really professionals, or (2) rubber stamps for self-diagnosed TS's? Guess their lack of enthusiam is what drove me to read the SoC. I need a competent professional's assessment of my GID along with a professional opinion for possible treatment. Transition is scary. If I can avoid it, I would like to. Even those who avoid it, however, may take hormones or cross-dress considerably. What are one's chances of tolerating GID without any such accommodations, i.e., returning to my home situation and being unambiguously male at all times? That's what I want to ask the professional. I've crashed once, and the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over again expecting different results.

Am I conflicted? HELL YES! It seems spiritual peace is found in transition, strangely enough. But I yearn for a return to the warmth/security of home life. I'm afraid the latter is just wishful thinking/denial. My mannerisms are probably an embarrassment to my wife.

As I ponder transition, I consider a possible alternative: go thru divorce, be somewhat androgynous/effeminate, have female friends, and let people think I'm gay. Can't see hanging around typical males socially, especially in the South. Can just imagine my conversation starters: "Hey, anybody see that tearjerker on Women's Entertainment channel last night? You know, the one where the mother and daughter had all these issues to work out between themselves...?" Wouldn't go over too well.

I see the gender doctor tomorrow. (Yippee!)

One other thing: This area, the western suburbs of Philly, is beautiful. There are wonderfully-landscaped neat/tidy homes. Many opt for English tea gardens. It's delightful going for walks.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My Dear Sister,

Since I live in the Chicago area I can recommend the Chicago Gender Society as a starter. They have a web site www.chicagogender.com. There are many links at this site which should be helpful. My therapist, Deb Wilke, who has a great deal of experience in GID has a web site which can be found at www.compassionatecounseling.com.

Check out these suggestions and call me if you like and I can share some additional information with you.

Maybe the reason that your sister and psychiatrist are less than enthusiastic your visit to the gender specialist is that the they're not hearing what they want or expect to hear from you on this matter. They may want to think that this something that can be easily treated and then send you on your way back home to your spouse. People like us know better, if you know what I mean? This is exactly why many of us have suggested a gender therapist. Someone who is well versed on this topic. Hopefully things will go better on Wednesday.

By the way, the TG/Sisters of Chicago would welcome you if you decided to relocate back home.

Love,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Saw the gender doctor today. It's such a relief to finally see a professional about the GID. Going to see her again tomorrow. Price is $125/hr. Nothing much to report except I could feel a twinge of disappointment when she said many TGs don't ever transition...

Which brings us back to how conflicted I am. On the drive home, I could tell I was driving defensively. Wow -- my will to live is at a normal level! Then it hit me: "My will to live has returned. But what if I don't transition -- will I still have a will to live?" Tears came at that point, because it appears the will to live is conditional on transition. So I have some serious soul-searching to do. Just what is the best thing to do? Won't have my wife in any case since identity alone clobbered the marriage. The thought of going through the rest of life as a man just sounds so drab.

Terri

[Christina (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I'd have to agree that your money would be more well spent on facial hair at this point. You may find later on down the road you won't have any need for body electrolysis as most, or all, of the hair will dissappear.

I'm glad that you got to see a therapist that knows about TS'ism. Anyone else just won't do you any good at all. And don't let any of their subtle comments put you down. Their job is to see how strong you feel about all of this and to explore the possibilities that there may other factors in mind as you suggested, like bi-polar or obsessive behaviour. Once they are ruled out there will be more focus on your transition.

I believe that anyone who has transitioned will tell you it's not an easy thing to do, but it does get easier as time goes on. This is where your therapist and support groups can help the most. No one would expect you to go out the first time in full feminine atire. It's a process, like any other, that you will get accustomed to and gradually work your way into it.

I do know that right now you are not taking any hormones and that may be affecting your waivering between genders. I think that once you get started on them, you will find yourself feeling much better about what you are doing and where you are heading. Also, your emotions may become much more stable at that point and give you a much needed sense of well being.

[plix (imported)]

Yes, there most certainly are TGs who never transition. I know this because I am one of them. Do I want to transition? More than anything in the world. But will I transition? I have chosen not to.

I have made my choice due to the circumstances I was faced with and for the most part I have made peace with it. I think there are some TGs who are able to make the choice not to transition, and there are some who cannot handle not transitioning. I personally know some TGs who would definitely kill themselves if they did not transition. I personally know others who have found a middle ground or even have done nothing at all and are able to enjoy their lives.

I can't tell you what is right for you - no one but you and God can. But I will repeat what I said earlier - if you have the opportunity to transition successfully and it is something you truly want, you might regret passing that opportunity up.

Also consider what Christina said about hormones. You may really find the way you see all of this change if you get on estrogen.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just finished my second session with the gender therapist. Seems like she agreed with the idea we're not dealing with a 'dented' male identity but rather a full-spectrum female identity which has awakened. Asked her for a quick assessment of my condition at the end. She simply said, "I'm on board." I asked in clarification, "So my self-perception is working and I'm not going crazy?" She replied, "No, you're not crazy. Your perception is working well." I see her again Monday.

Before today's session, I was thinking about the option of a dreary life as a male (i.e., non-transition). Got to thinking about possible one-on-one close friendships with males. You know what? I fear wanting 'him' to hold me. I fear I'd reach for his hand accidentally on long walks. Conclusion: I don't think a male presentation will befit me in years to come. I don't want that sort of undercurrent in a 'peer' relationship.

There's a revealing poll about suicide

(http://beginninglife.com/newforum/index.php?t=msg&th=

3008&start=0) at BeginningLife.com. With 60 responses, the statistics are:

Thought about suicide: 50%

Attempted suicide: 35%

Never thought about suicide: 15%

Let that sink in: Suicide has been a consideration for 85% of respondents.

Haven't gone back for any electrolysis due to sister's feelings. When I do go back, I'll spend the dollars well (beard, not other places) in response to Christina and Plix.

Thanks for your friendship and feedback,

Terri

[lindaleah (imported)]

Dear Terri

Just think of all the wonderful things you will do when you become the woman you were meant to be. Happy days are ahead. Yes there will bumps in the road but they are there for all people not just us special girls.

Since you are into religion I thought I would pass on Anthony Robbins take. "Gods delays are not Gods denials". Be patient I feel it will happen for you.

I care

Lindaleah

[plix (imported)]

Just wondering - does your gender therapist know about your castration (or 'orchi', as the TG community usually calls it)? If so, what does she think about you already having completed that step at this stage?

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Leona here. Hi All! Suicide was a major consideration for me. I now realise that the Lord was not going to let that happen but I sure thought about it. It would have sure been a secular anwer. Silly me, well I'm doing well know and pray we all find our way. As I have said before, GID is a very real problem and difficult to deal with. I'm thankful I accepted help from above. I am now on SS disabilty and able to help others with simular problems.

All the Best, Leona

Hi all,

Just finished my second session with the gender therapist. Seems like she agreed with the idea we're not dealing with a 'dented' male identity but rather a full-spectrum female identity which has awakened. Asked her for a quick assessment of my condition at the end. She simply said, "I'm on board." I asked in clarification, "So my self-perception is working and I'm not going crazy?" She replied, "No, you're not crazy. Your perception is working well." I see her again Monday.

Before today's session, I was thinking about the option of a dreary life as a male (i.e., non-transition). Got to thinking about possible one-on-one close friendships with males. You know what? I fear wanting 'him' to hold me. I fear I'd reach for his hand accidentally on long walks. Conclusion: I don't think a male presentation will befit me in years to come. I don't want that sort of undercurrent in a 'peer' relationship.

There's a revealing poll about suicide

(http://beg

inninglife.com/newforum/index.php?t=msg&th=

3008&start=0) at BeginningLife.com. With 60 responses, the statistics are:

Thought about suicide: 50%

Attempted suicide: 35%

Never thought about suicide: 15%

Let that sink in: Suicide has been a consideration for 85% of respondents.

Haven't gone back for any electrolysis due to sister's feelings. When I do go back, I'll spend the dollars well (beard, not other places) in response to Christina and P

lix.

Thanks for your friendship and feedback,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Occurred to me there was an identifiable personality change before the life-changing Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift. In June 2004, I became resigned to no further lovemaking, having "tired of the chase." Shortly after that is when I first considered castration. My prayers at the time were for the male equipment to shrivel and become non-functional. The personality change is that I started enjoying romance movies in a way I hadn't previously. Ironic, no? The Christopher Reeve / Jane Seymour movie Somewhere in Time was particularly engaging. Watched it several times. Don't recall identifying with either character in particular, or maybe there was a slight identification with Jane Seymour's character.

So if we are looking for a "trigger" which caused the female to wake up, it was probably cessation of lovemaking and resulting annoyance with male sex drive. I don't say "sexual frustration" because I was able to somehow dissociate from the sex drive. Yes, I was sexually frustrated, but didn't view the solution as "find gratification elsewhere." Rather, I was annoyed with the sex drive itself and sought to eliminate it. It was, after all, not part of my identity.

* * *

Hi Plix,

Yes, my gender therapist knows about the castration. I explained to her the post-castration changes which let me know I was TS. She hasn't commented about it yet in the context of transition.

Something comforting: Sister now understands from my psychiatrist that the castration was needed and effective for dealing with the sexual addictive thoughts. Both have been looking at my past behavior with an eye toward 'impulsivity.' They wondered whether castration was impulsive/rash. Sounds like my 'radical' decision for castration has been vindicated.

* * *

ADDENDUM: (Sure am glad for this outlet! Helps me think.)

As you recall, my sister would like me to find other accommodations by the end of August. While praying about where in the USA to live, it occurred to me: jobs aren't a life-and-death matter; nor are any of the other of the usual criteria for selecting a future home. What is a life-and-death matter is transition. I need to ensure a successful transition. My life is riding on it. So that will be the overriding factor in deciding where to live. Guess it's something to discuss with my therapist.

Something comforting in this respect: The same day my sister gave me the Aug. 31st deadline for moving out, saw this message on a church sign during my evening walk:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

- Joshua 1:9

It was salve to my soul.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

jobs aren't a life-and-death matter; nor are any of the other of the usual criteria for selecting a future home. What is a life-and-death matter is transition. I need to ensure a successful transition. My life is riding on it. So that will be the overriding factor in deciding where to live.

Hi Terri,

While I agree with your statement, transition can be and is a very, very expensive process. You'll not only need enough money to support yourself.....you'll also need money for all of those "little extra" things, i.e.; therapy, doctors, electrolysis, hormones, clothes.....more electrolysis, more clothes, etc. and then there's the SRS. A costly proposition in it's self.

So please keep in mind the market place for your employment skills when making your decision on where to relocate.

If I could make one suggestion.....seek out the larger more liberal metropolitan areas. There is a greater diversity of people thereby providing more of an opportunity for acceptance and to "fit in", if you know what I mean?

Stay the course my Sister. You've come along way!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Took a LOONG walk today after talking with my wife. She has started the divorce process. Could be over as quickly as 30 days.

She feels hurt and rejected since I am not willing to pray for a content-male identity. I feel rejected because my present identity -- ME, in other words -- isn't good enough.

On the long walk, considered OVER AND OVER whether the marriage could ever work. According to wife, I'd have to be male inside again. (Hmm... Just how do I change my gender? I didn't orchestrate the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift, and I'm at a loss for how one would change genders, assuming one were inclined.) Mulled the following question over and over: "Should I pray and ask God for a content-male identity?" Simply can't. My lifelong (though buried) desire has been to be female. And now I am -- inside. I want to nurture that identity, not squash it. Guess my wife loved who I was on testosterone; T was enough to push me from effeminate to soft male.

What if prayers for a male identity were answered? Would I suddenly think war is a reasonable thing to engage in at times, even cool because of some of the advanced weaons? Would I say to my wife, "Interested or not, we're having sex, Baby!" Would I start driving fast and take greater risks? Would I callously use a belt on my son's behind?

Maybe that sounds like a twisted view of manhood. But maybe it's because I've been viewing it from the outside in, not by instinct.

Just like gender-content folks get upset with the idea of TS's changing sex, I get upset with the idea of changing genders. It sounds absurd/perverse to ask a female to be a male.

Regarding contact with son: Supervised contact (letters, phone calls) will be allowed until first steps toward transition are taken. After that, no contact. You know my plans, so no contact, basically.

Won't fight. If I do, my wife will only fight stronger, with all the ferociousness of a mama bear protecting her cub. It's a sad situation. Guess I'll just accept my "death" and get on with life. Actually, will be praying the Lord brings about something better than what a nasty court fight can accomplish. Maybe my wife, in time, will come to see our son's need for his other parent.

Something ironic: To help give our case a low profile in the small town, wife's lawyer is filing it under our middle names. So I'll be 'Terry' in the divorce papers.

Terri

P.S. to Erica: Yes, I realize money will be needed. Should be able to find reasonably good work in any metro area. Thus, transition-success-potential becomes the deciding factor. Sad to hear of TGs in areas 150 miles or more from therapists. Something in Chicago's favor is most of my family is there and they are supportive so far.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just had an emotional time at lunch by myself. Realized I'd be a fool to spurn my family's acceptance and their desire for me to live near them in the Chicago metro area.

It's kind of sad how my faith has put a wall between us in the past. Feel like a prig:

prig: n. A person who demonstrates an exaggerated conformity or propriety, especially in an irritatingly arrogant or smug manner. So I repent of that distance. Has anybody noticed how TSism devastates one's pride?

If they want me, really want me in their midst, I'll move to Chicago. Acceptance is so important, and we as TS's find so little of it when we finally bare our souls.

It will help my family to see the changes as they occur (as opposed to seeing huge differences if months passed between visits). They will also get to know the new, decloaked me. They will see me cry, they will hear my interests, they'll be able to ask questions. In time, my parents may even come to see me as their daughter. One can always hope. You know, I still want my mom's approval.

The location may also put me in a good position to see my boy occasionally. Hope springs eternal.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My dearest Terri,

I sincerely hope and pray that you do find the acceptance you are seeking. If one cannot turn to one's most immediate family......where does one go or start?

Besides, you already have at least one friend in the Chicago area....me. Take good care of yourself. I'm looking forward to meeting you soon.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

(Hope I'm not writing too much these days! )

At the suggestion of my gender therapist, been reading She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan (http://www.colby.edu/personal/j/jfboylan/), a MtF who transitioned in 2000. About halfway done with the book. Cried as I came across parallels in our lives.

Jennifer compares transition to emigration: An arduous journey across the sea for a better life, yet never being able to fit in completely, always speaking with a discernible accent. Forced conscription is another of her analogies. It does seem like there's little choice, and we are yanked from our families.

Reading about her wife's heartbrokenness during transition makes me wonder if the quick and decisive explosion in my household was the best for all concerned. Time will tell. Hate to be the cause of pain; at least it isn't being drawn out.

Terri's pithy remark for the day (regarding transition):

Why is it the

BIGGEST DECISION

of my life presents me with the

LEAST CHOICE?

Terri

P.S. to Erica: Ditto. Looking forward to meeting you and hopefully becoming friends.

[plix (imported)]

Just a couple of quick things. The first is something I've wondered about after seeing the change in your sister. Have you considered the possibility she may have had an ulterior motive in offering you acceptance and a place to live? She seemed accepting at first, but perhaps she believed that by getting you to come live with her she would be able to talk you out of transition and send you back home. Now that she sees she will not be successful, she is asking you to leave. She does not appear to be so accepting after all.

I say this only because I am concerned about the same with your family in Chicago. Are they truly accepting, or do they hope to talk you out of transition by having you with them in person?

The other thing is that don't forget there are many, many women who support war, want sex 24/7, drive fast and take risks, and hit children. You could do any or all of these things and still be a woman.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I do know that right now you are not taking any hormones and that may be affecting your waivering between genders. I think that once you get started on them, you will find yourself feeling much better about what you are doing and where you are heading. Also, your emotions may become much more stable at that point and give you a much needed sense of well being.

I just wanted to add that I agree about hormones. In my opinion they help "define" your drives and desires. They also help with normal functions such as mental focus, energy and mood. *Ok, at least in my case. I know there are some folks who find life without them better but... I'm not one of them.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Someone took offense in a PM to my "down with males" statements in a previous post:

What if prayers for a male identity were answered? Would I suddenly think war is a reasonable thing to engage in at times, even cool because of some of the advanced weaons? Would I say to my wife, "Interested or not, we're having sex, Baby!" Would I start driving fast and take greater risks? Would I callously use a belt on my son's behind?

I want to apologize. Here is what I replied:

I apologize. They are analogous to what you'd hear about smokers from a former smoker. There is confusion inside me, and what has resulted is an exaggerated distaste for things male. I'm aware of it. In fact, both my wife and I were concerned how I would react to our son's puberty in years to come. I think the distaste will pass with time, when I am past my vulnerable state of confusion. Once my identity comes into clear view and isn't challenged any longer, the exaggerated distance/stereotypes won't be necessary. Until then, I obsessively analyze my inner self and compare it to the observable world of gender.

There's also some regret/frustration I couldn't measure up to the male standards expected of me. I was too soft a disciplinarian for my southern in-laws. Didn't grasp the need to get out a .22 rifle to shoot squirrels who ate food intended for birds. Failed to stretch my boy enough for him to want to ride a two-wheeler. Ditto for teaching him to swim.

I'm the driver folks feel most comfortable with as passengers. Feel like mothers and wars shouldn't have to exist on the same planet. Castration was embarked on to make me compatible with my wife; never heard of a husband doing such a thing.

Sorry. I'm rambling. Just tired from this battle.

Sincerely,

Terri

P.S. -- I won't be a man-hater, I promise. It's just the vulnerable state I'm in right now.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

As time goes on, learning the utter reality of something I said July 28th:

What is a life-and-death matter is transition. I need to ensure a successful transition. My life is riding on it.

In response to something my sister said, I was considering transition too ambivalently Sunday night. Ended up unable to function Monday. Conclusion? In order to function, I have to have transition somewhere in the plans. As I told my therapist yesterday, "My will to live is wrapped up in transition." Without it, I could just expect a dysfunctional lifetime on anti-depressants.

Now that transition is unquestionly in my plans again, my spirits are good and I'm productive. No meds!

* * *

Plix,

Good point about my sister and family having possible ulterior motives! I mentioned the possibility to my therapist and will keep it in mind during my exploratory visit to Chicago next week.

Terri

[Christina (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I have to start out by echoing the same concern Plix has stated about you sister. I hope this was a planned encounter and not one of a change in heart on your sisters part once you arrived.

I know all of this is going very hard on you, but you must keep up your faith in yourself. Do whatever you have to do for yourself to be happy. If that means having to move to Chicago then that's what you've got to do. If not, you have to be content in living life as you see fit. The latter is usually more difficult, but sometimes a good therapist can help you work through it.

Before I came out to my family I made a commitment to myself to see this thing through, even if it meant losing everyone. It was the only way I could survive. Lucky for me things turned out a lot better than I had hoped, but not everyone can say that.

We all can say that we've regretted doing things in the past, myself included. It should not be something to dwell on though. What's done is done and you can't go back and change it no matter how hard you try. Don't let too many things try and overwhelm you right now. Get yourself in a stable living enviroment and possibly a job now. Take care of these things first before moving ahead with your plans. It's not going to do you any good to worry about the big picture now. When you are ready, set little goals for yourself. You'll find that when doing that, they are much more satisfying and rewarding. Don't set unrealistic goals, you'll only be setting yourself up for failure. Take it one day at a time. Today is better than yesterday, tomorrow will be better than today.

[bryan (imported)]

Christina,

Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, I will do what I must to survive.

* * *

ON THE PSYCHIATRIST COUCH

First a question for all of you: Does removal of testosterone lead one to be less inhibited? Doctor and sister have been concerned with "impulsivity" and wife has been concerned with emotional immaturity. I think both items would be explained by lessened inhibitions, and I do feel less inhibited since castration. Any evidence, anecdotal or otherwise?

Something from today's session with my psychiatrist: This topic gets a bit embarrassing/emotional for me, but I mention it for the sake of providing insight into this mystery called transsexualism:

Reading a post elsewhere made me realize how disgusting oral sex with a female would be to me now. It had previously been a strong fantasy, combined with femdom. But, probing this further: Is that just the effect of diminished libido? What about oral sex on a man?

Hmm...no revulsion. Maybe it would be interesting. *Sigh*

They say the sexual orientation of TS's can change, particularly closer to the time of SRS. I feel like my psyche has already transitioned significantly, leaving my body in the dust.

You know how this makes me feel?!!

I can't believe I'm writing this,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

ON THE PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH

Yesterday's session made me realize I would have liked SRS back in college. When I first heard of penis envy, I thought, "Oh, c'mon! Give me a break!" Venus envy, on the other hand, was something I identified with. But even if I recognized the desire for SRS back then, I'm sure I quashed it with thoughts like, "That's SO MUCH money. It's so RADICAL. What would my family think? I'm not that bad off." Maybe if I had been in therapy back then, my gender identity could have been sorted out.

I am PISSED OFF at what testosterone did to me -- the lusts it gave me. The lusts combined with my confused gender identity made me a real mess sexually. A lot of sex for me was auto-erotic and wasn't over quickly but played out in scenes.

(To those who wish to defend testosterone, just remember: T is good for males, bad for females. I'm not saying T is universally evil. T was bad for me.)

Yet, here I am. I survived. Even came to know the Lord. The future looks better than the past. Brought one child into the world...a bright, wonderful boy.

Doctor asked about suicidal thoughts. They haven't been a problem of late. When I see hurdles on the transition path, I momentarily lose hope and think of death. But I know it's not an option; after all, the Lord didn't take me during the period I was so earnestly praying for death (March 20th to July 15th). Also, with the household going nuclear and me coming out to my family, the suicide bomb has been defused: no more secrets, and the divorce which I could not have initiated is already in motion.

Have started reading the book "Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. The title appealed since I've been trying to do exactly that: excavate my true self. Some quotes from the book:

We'll exhume all the perfectly reasonable choices that derailed your dreams and brush off the clinging soil hiding the half-truths that have haunted you for all these years. (Terri asks ruefully: What if I had gone ahead and pursued my gender issues back in college?)

...

Julian Sleigh reminds us that we have only three choices [for dealing with each crisis/demon/fear in our lives]:

1. Ignore it and hope it will go away. It won't.

2. Try and live with it. Not forever.

3. Look for the gift within our fear and benefit from it. When we do, we emerge on the other side of life, surprised by joy.

...

Unfulfilled desires are dangerous forces.

- Sarah Tarleton Colvin

ADDENDUM:

Sister asked about suicidal thoughts. Told her it's not an issue anymore but revealed this: Death was my first choice over transition and still is. But death isn't an option, and I've stopped praying for it. That leaves transition.

In Jenny Boylan's book She's Not There, the comparison is made between TSism and classic hero stories. First, the dragon is identified (cross-gendering). Next, the heroine must fulfill her destiny by accepting the formidable task of slaying the dragon (thru transition). I guess TS's make Earth a more colorful place and provide opportunities for study. Consider, for instance, how my psychiatrist is so reticent to impute personality changes to hormones. We know better, right? If people weren't crossing genders in each direction, we'd all be poorer for it.

I have accepted my destiny and will transition, whatever it takes. Picked up two beauty books today along with True Selves. Ordered 10 more copies of True Selves so I can "hand them out like pretzels," as Jenny Boylan put it.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I guess there is a sense of destiny when one realizes their own TSism. After dealing with the puzzle for so long, when "THE ANSWER" appears, it is life-changing and there's a sense of mission.

Skimmed one of the beauty books last night. Covers make-up, nails, and hair. A bit intimidating. Make-up and nailcare are foreign to me. Interest in hair comes naturally, but feel really limited in hairstyle unless hairline can be corrected at temples; otherwise I'll need bangs all the time.

Took a long, sometimes-tearful walk this morning to sort out the GID. Realized I wasn't exaggerating yesterday when I stated death is preferred over transition. Suppose it helps that I expect to be female in Heaven; Earth isn't my one and only shot at womanhood. While looking at flight information for my trip to Chicago tomorrow, found myself wondering (a little hopefully), "What if the plane were to crash?" Don't worry. I'm doing okay enough -- not praying for death.

So why am I transitioning?

To have sex? No, that's not a goal as such.

To be popular and "win friends and influence people?" Hardly.

To do lots of girlie things (make-up, nails, clothes)? No.

To be able to relate with females as a peer (thus make friends)? Yes.

To avoid crippling depression? Yes.

To present the exterior which best matches my behavior and interests? Yes.

To be acknowledged as the female I am? Yes.

As you can see, my transition is not for recreational reasons. Merely trying to survive.

There are parts of transition I look forward to, such as hormones and the resultant changes. Fashion and make-up are intimidating. Sometimes I wish I could just hang a big "F" around my neck and have people accept me as female. But people don't take a cross-gendered identity seriously unless you actually go all the way.

Am I complaining? Kind of. This is a big interruption, like a life-threatening illness. Can't resume "ordinary life" until the GID is dealt with. I always thought TS's looked forward to transition as a "fun" thing.

[WARNING! WARNING! MAJOR MOOD SWING IN PROGRESS!]

Maybe it will be fun once I have some boobies.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Terri,

You present many good reasons and the same reasons that almost all of us attempt transitions, but as you well know, there are a lot of down sides to the process. You have already experienced some of them in your own life.

Conversely, there are a lot of fun things about transition as well, i.e.; finally being the person you really are, the experience of your own femininity and the way one projects that femininity. Therefore, the outside of the packaging must reflect the true person. Outward appearance is very important to most GG's and the hair, nails, make up and clothing all become very important in the packaging. It's something that's not hard and you'll find that it will come very natural in time, especially after the start of HRT.

Hang in there Girl. You've come along way already!

Oh, and by the way......the boobies are a lot of fun!

Looking forward to meeting you this weekend!

L & R

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'm becoming more comfortable/confident in my female gender identity:

When wife asked me to leave, I was considering the time away as an opportunity to explore who I am, permitting exposure to therapy, support groups, and whatever else. I'm also exploring changes in personal appearance. The beard is gone and will stay gone. No longer parting my hair in normal male style; wearing it down in the front like a mop, with plans to let it grow. Trimmed hair in front of ears for a pixie look. Started moisturizing face. Plucked eyebrows. Looking forward to experimenting with eye liner and mascara. A cotton nightgown has been comforting. Not concerned what signals my mannerisms might be sending; just being myself. Rounded my nails without shortening them. All feels nice/natural so far; not forced in the least.

The weather has been delightful yesterday and today, with a nice breeze and wispy clouds against a clean, blue sky. During a long walk, I felt it would have been preferrable to have a floppy wide-brimmed hat, long hair, and a comfortable dress.

The female identity is being affirmed/consolidated. When I postulate being male inside, troubling puzzles and contradictions are encountered, necessitating long analysis. When I postulate being female inside, there aren't contradictions, and the result is PEACE.

* * *

How's my family taking my coming out? Mom is angry at me; she feels I have abandoned my son. Dad is accepting of the TSism, but encouraging me to be responsible toward my wife and son. Both think I can postpone transition long enough (10 years?) to be a good, live-away father in the meantime. A sister-in-law is a D.O. and has been an advocate for me, explaining to others that deep psychic pain is involved. A brother (the one married to the D.O.) cried at the coming-out letter, seeing how close I came to suicide. He asked me to call him if suicidal thoughts get out of hand again.

Realize now I have to do what is necessary to live. Even if others consider my actions selfish, can't allow myself to get cornered again where death/suicide end up looking attractive. Long before I started praying for death, I was envying the dead, both those in graveyards as well as animal roadkill. Walking past a graveyard today, there was no envy. That's a healthy sign, wouldn't you agree?

TSism is so sad. Fought the cross-dressing desires for so long. If only I had known as a teenager what the driving force was. I remember wondering time after time, "WHY do I have these desires?!" Now I know -- I'm female inside.

Terri