Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'll be settling in Philly. Plix's intuition served well: seems my family was more interested in talking me out of transition than offering support. Found myself thinking, "If this is support, why are thoughts of death returning?"

My search for a place to live is in high gear. Looking to share a place since I need people, now that I don't have testosterone. One place looks especially good: cheap, mixed neighborhood, piano(!), full use of house. Owner/occupant is a mature, gay male (and I revealed my issues to him). He needs the money and some companionship as well.

Makes you wonder: Just who is the best sort of apartment-mate for an MtF? Certainly not a straight male.

Another possiblity is sharing a 2BR with a female. Told her of my issues and she even e-mailed back asking about a move-in date, so I guess she wasn't put off by it.

Saw my psychiatrist today. He finally had a chance to talk with my gender therapist. Seems like his demeanor changed for the better as a result -- not as skeptical or probing. Looks like there's no "co-morbidity." WOO-HOO! I'm sane! His only concern was whether I would be impulsive enough to find an underground doctor to do SRS. That's a much better diagnosis than bipolar, depression, or mania.

We talked about options besides transition. The outcome is I would probably be satisfied by feminization and SRS while retaining a somewhat-male or androgynous presentation at work. As long as I can develop enough relationships which affirm the female identity, a full transition probably wouldn't be necessary. Clothes aren't a big thing.

That's all for now,

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I think sharing a place with someone else is a good idea as you do need the support. Preferably a tranny friendly someone (although not too tranny friendly, if you can see where I'm going). If both the male and female are equally accepting and willing to have you, I would choose the female at this point in your transition (assuming she is not also a transwoman in the early stages of transition, although this could have advantages too). This is because you need female guidance at this time when you are attempting to learn a female role. Perhaps she can help you with things like clothes, makeup, mannerisms, general presentation, that sort of thing.

If you are able to find a therapist who will approve SRS without requiring a full female presentation everywhere and everytime, including work, then you are very lucky. The SoC require that a candidate for SRS live full time in the female role in order to qualify.

By the way, I would suggest that an MtF rooming with a straight male might actually be fun, depending on the circumstances

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

When I don't write, it's usually because things are going okay. Not the case for Thursday and Friday; I was too depressed to write. Where to begin?

Transition is on hold indefinitely. Certainly need a job first. Plus, have been missing my son terribly.

Called my wife and told her I was considering moving to the town 30 minutes from her and getting a low-paying job* with the goal of regular unsupervised contact with our boy. She said I need to establish a track record first; thoughts of death were too prevalent when I was back home. She said occasional trips to the area would be acceptable, with supervised contact. (*The market for computer jobs is very small in rural north Florida.)

Thoughts of death were prevalent Thursday and Friday. Why? I suppose because of rejection by wife/in-laws and perceived rejection by some members of my family. (With my family, it's more complicated. The TSism isn't so bad as the pending divorce and "abandonment" of my child. But it all adds up to distance/rejection.) Here is how the rejection feels: "Bryan" is accepted but "Terri" is an undesirable. If I want acceptance, I need to re-adopt Bryan's personna. But that's not ME, so I feel rejected.

In case you wondering: I haven't been praying for death. Been resisting the urge, but consider it victory to not pray for death.

Mildly amusing and ironic: When you reveal something as dramatic as TSism and go through turmoil such as this, people start telling you what they really think about you, i.e., what character flaws they have noticed for a long time. Gets me thinking, "Well, sounds like there were aspects of Bryan you didn't care for at all. So why do you want to resurrect him? Aren't some changes preferrable?"

With the flak I received from my family about "abandoning" my child, the divorce has been rubbing me the wrong way. After all, court papers are supposed to contain the truth, correct? Told my wife I was going to insist on truth: She told me to leave. She's the one who wants the divorce. And if I'm not transitioning, then why shouldn't I have unsupervised contact with our boy?

Yet later that day, was thinking, "Don't fight it." As a transsexual, I don't know how how reliable my promises are or what ability I have to forestall transition.

Regarding living arrangements, was planning to move in with the male on Monday. But started thinking, "Where is my next hug going to come from? How long will I have to wait?" I don't want to become co-dependent on my housemate. An article in the Chicago paper spoke of the importance of local diners in the social lives of lonely people, and mentioned an elderly woman who had gone three years without a hug. How sad.

I was starting to consciously shutdown my personality and withdraw, saying to myself, "I've been an ultra-introvert in the past, so I can be one again. If they don't want Terri, they won't have Bryan either." Reminiscent of the Simon and Garfunkel song that goes, "I am a ROCK! I am an ISLAND!"

Was even feeling like not going to church. After all, if the church-goers knew the inside me, they wouldn't want me in their midst. So I may seek a GLBT-friendly church regardless of whether I transition or not.

As humans, we have a need to be accepted for who we are. It's empty to be loved for the person we project -- if it's not the real us. "So what if they love Bryan? Terri is very alone and suffering in silence."

On Thursday, was thinking about moving to Chicago again. Philadelphia's never-ending narrow streets were getting on my nerves. Plus the social opportunities in Philly look bleak. Erica's crisis has me thinking seriously about Chicago again. I don't have any stakes in Philly.

So: Do I sound conflicted or what?!!

Terri

P.S. to Plix:

By the way, I would suggest that an MtF rooming with a straight male might actually be fun, depending on the circumstances.

Funny!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Now it looks like I'm headed to Chicago after all, with plans to roll out of Philly on Tuesday. Realized staying in Philly (in my case) was a move toward withdrawal/alienation. Moving to Chicago is a healthy step, kind of like a "face your fear" situation. No telling how few years my parents have left. Plus, I really would prefer living in the Chicago area over Philly. Philly's narrow streets, not to mention the double-parked vehicles, had me feeling claustraphobic. I've also been a bit concerned about the combination of hills and snow in the wintertime. My sister told me of her first experience in the snow here: "Hah! They're all staying home. What a bunch of wimps." Then her car skidded downhill right through the stop sign leading out of her subdivision. No accident, fortunately.

Regarding my 6yo boy: When I see a drama where a father has been absent, especially where it has caused emotional damage to the child, it tears at me and I just about lose it.

Where is the needle on the Thoughts-O-Death meter? In the "fairly frequent" zone. TSism, and its destructive impact on our family/work/social lives, is a pain to deal with. I'm tired of it. Still not praying for death, but hopeful that cars would leap the curb while I'm out on walks.

Went to a support group last night. Part of the discussion focused on the isolation we experience even before any steps toward transition. Often, it is deliberate on our part: male friendships are unsatisfying, and we can't attain the sort of female friendships we seek.

"Gee, Terri, if there was anything you could change about your life, what would it be?"

- Avoid second marriage? But then our boy wouldn't exist.

- Explore gender issues earlier in life? But I was clueless about the significance of the issues and how to go about seeking guidance.

- Join the military and volunteer for risky missions? Possibly, except I've always been a consciencious objector.

Not coming up with any big regrets. Oh, well.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WILL: A distant family friend of my in-laws found out my wife and I were splitting up. She asked why, but mother-in-law (MIL) wouldn't say. Feeling burdened, the family friend prayed. She eventually sensed an answer, "Bryan thinks he's a woman trapped in a man's body." Thought to herself, "That can't be right." Yet, the same words kept coming in prayer. So she finally asked MIL if she heard correctly from the Lord. MIL's silence let her know it was true.

Pondered that episode over lunch today. Not sure if those are the exact words, so can't read too much into them. But the statement is absolutely true. It's interesting what is not said. My wife and in-laws would expect to hear something like, "Bryan has departed from Me" or "An unclean female spirit has taken possession of him." But that's not the case. Am I offended the Lord "outed" me? Not at all. Back in the pressure-cooker I called home, I wanted to disclose the problems but my wife wanted to keep a lid on things.

Where's the needle on the Death-O-Meter today? Still tired of GID and would prefer death. After all, unless I transition, who's going to accept me as female? On the positive side, I started thinking of ways beside transition to "let the lady out." Here's one area:

I'm excited about the house-share I found. Revealed my issues already. Owner hasn't done much decorating yet and said, "Perhaps your feminine side could influence the house positively." Wow! Let's go back to the first post on this thread:

I'm more concerned with...

appearance, and would like to pick out some of our household linens.

I had been planning to express femininity in the decor of my bedroom and bathroom, but this opens up the kitchen, living room, etc. Woo-hoo! I'll have to go slow since I'm new at this thing. But shopping for home decor is something I'm looking forward to.

Also, looked slowly thru women's magazines today while waiting for an oil change, even with a woman in the chair next to me. I don't care as much now what people think about this male-appearing person.

If all goes as planned, will get on the road around 2pm Tuesday and arrive in my new area Thursday afternoon.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just arrived at my parents' house in the Chicago area. Had an emotional time as I got closer to the neighborhood -- feel like such a failure. Went off to do missions years ago; now I'm back to where I started, and without wife and son.

Picked up a 49yo hitchhiker today. He separated from his wife a month ago. Told him about my split, saying I had "issues" that would remain secret. He said he had two friends with their problems too. As we went along, I revealed my issues. Guess what? One of his two friends is transsexual and "going for the whole thing including the surgery." Small world. The other friend is gay.

On another note: Been looking for alternatives to full transition. Was thinking some of my social goals could be met if my male presentation conveyed to females "HARMLESS -- NOT A THREAT." So, here is an opportunity for you to make suggestions on appearance. Loss of muscle bulk (from castration) is already helpful. Longer, more feminine hairstyle. No beard. (Guess we're talking effeminate, right?) Other thoughts?

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I am glad to hear you made it to Chicago safely. Just remember to keep your needs in mind and do not let others change you to someone you are not. If you really want a full transition, go for it. If you can't be happy any other way, don'

t deny yourself this opportunity.

Somebody who smiles is usually perceived as less threatening. Longer hair can sometimes be perceived as more threatneing, depending on who you ask. General friendliness can't hurt. I don't see you as a threatening person when I look at your picture. May I ask what these social goals you have are?

[bryan (imported)]

May I ask what these social goals you have are?

Hi Plix,

Transwomen find great satisfaction on those occasions when they are admitted into the "inner circle" with women. My desires are no different. What I'm thinking, however, is if I can make enough satisfying friendships with females while in male mode (but "out" as a TS), maybe full transition isn't necessary. After all, transition can alienate GGs and female family members, so that would be counterproductive. I can't expect to reach the "inner circle," but maybe I can make inroads that normal males can't. On the plus side, I won't encounter awkward questions about periods and won't have to invent a personal history as a girl.

There's still a desire for modest breasts and getting rid of Mr. Dangly-Thing. Such things could be accomplished but remain under wraps (i.e., male mode). Wouldn't be able to go swimming at the pool, but can survive without that.

You know what, though? I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all experimental, changing from day to day, all a matter of finding out what is necessary to keep suicidal depression at bay.

* * *

Hi all,

Found a place to live (and signed on the dotted line). Will be living with a female a few years older, plus some cats. Neighborhood is cosmopolitan/liberal. Apartment-mate is aware of all my issues. (Guess I'm a compulsively open person. Terrible at lying.) She was a little concerned when I mentioned depression because a former tenant had attempted suicide. Told her I do fine as long as the female identity doesn't have to be repressed.

Really looking forward to living there. Of the places looked at, it was the only one which didn't have a temporary feel to it. That is, it's actually a desirable place to live, with a congenial apartment-mate, instead of being a place that makes you want to find other accommodations fast.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Unfortunately I found that even among women who knew of my gender issues, I was not admitted to that prized "inner circle" but was continued to be treated as a man. It is extremely difficult for people, including me, to see someone as one gender when that someone presents and looks like the other.

Don't rush this process. I am always going back and forth probably because I am always doing things too fast. Only a few people need full transition to survive. Most are happy somewhere in between.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Snapshot of latest thinking of whether to transition or not:

1. Putting transition "on the shelf" makes me dysfunctional: unproductive and suicidally depressed. When I put transition back on the docket, I'm able to function again. (Saw a doctor this week. According to the bloodwork, there isn't a chemical basis for my depression. She recommended against an antidepressant since the reason for depression, GID, is so clear. She said I should transition.)

2. Are my struggles from lack of T? After all, depression is a common side-effect of castration. No, I can't take T again. Remember: T was the problem. I had the symptoms of a high-intensity TS and was in danger of self-mutilation. Castration eased the crisis.

3. Should I just "buck up," i.e., put transition on the shelf forever and take antidepressants the rest of my life? I have reservations with this option. What do we think of people who use alcohol or drugs to dull their emotional pain? That's all I'd be doing with antidepressants: dulling my pain. Antidepressants can't change gender identity.

4. I'm obviously conflicted. Part of me wants transition, another part doesn't. Going to have to ponder this area further, to see if I'm being honest with myself. Are my protestations against transition a sham? Is suicidal depression revealing my heart?

5. Two things I've learned: You can't negotiate with hot flashes, and you can't trifle with suicidal depression. So what if I did "buck up" and forestall transition permanently, maybe even taking T, etc.; what happens if it all crumbles apart at some point? What if the antidepressant loses effectiveness, and male-pattern baldness has already set in? I WOULD BE A MESS!

6. Finally, I'm Christian. I need to hear from the Lord what He wants me to do. The evidence thus far suggests He would have me transition. That goes against common wisdom, so I'm going to listen more. Unfortunately, there are probably no objective voices when it comes to transition. Family has a vested interest to keep things together, keep things quiet. Secular therapists see little reason to hold back. Religious counselors don't have an understanding of GID.

I understand the words, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" in a way I never did previously. Before, it seemed everybody was operating by choice, and "me and my people" were the ones making the good choices. Now, it seems people have less choice than previously imagined, and death would be a nice alternative to struggling with moral ambiguities, ostracization, and membership in despised/marginalized minority classes. Guess it's like anything else: A group is good, and membership in the group is good, until the group turns against you. Then you do a re-evaluation.

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Snapshot of latest thinking of whether to transition or not:

1. Putting transition "on the shelf" makes me dysfunctional: unproductive and suicidally depressed. When I put transition back on the docket, I'm able to function again. (Saw a doctor this week. According to the bloodwork, there isn't a chemical basis for my depression. She recommended against an antidepressant since the reason for depression, GID, is so clear. She said I should transition.)

2. Are my struggles from lack of T? After all, depression is a common side-effect of castration. No, I can't take T again. Remember: T was the problem. I had the symptoms of a high-intensity TS and was in danger of self-mutilation. Castration eased the crisis.

3. Should I just "buck up," i.e., put transition on the shelf forever and take antidepressants the rest of my life? I have reservations with this option. What do we think of people who use alcohol or drugs to dull their emotional pain? That's all I'd be doing with antidepressants: dulling my pain. Antidepressants can't change gender identity.

4. I'm obviously conflicted. Part of me wants transition, another part doesn't. Going to have to ponder this area further, to see if I'm being honest with myself. Are my protestations against transition a sham? Is suicidal depression revealing my heart?

5. Two things I've learned: You can't negotiate with hot flashes, and you can't trifle with suicidal depression. So what if I did "buck up" and forestall transition permanently, maybe even taking T, etc.; what happens if it all crumbles apart at some point? What if the antidepressant loses effectiveness, and male-pattern baldness has already set in? I WOULD BE A MESS!

6. Finally, I'm Christian. I need to hear from the Lord what He wants me to do. The evidence thus far suggests He would have me transition. That goes against common wisdom, so I'm going to listen more. Unfortunately, there are probably no objective voices when it comes to transition. Family has a vested interest to keep things together, keep things quiet. Secular therapists see little reason to hold back. Religious counselors don't have an understanding of GID.

I understand the words, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" in a way I never did previously. Before, it seemed everybody was operating by choice, and "me and my people" were the ones making the good choices. Now, it seems people have less choice than previously imagined, and death would be a nice alternative to struggling with moral ambiguities, ostracization, and membership in despised/marginalized minority classes. Guess it's like anything else: A group is good, and membership in the group is good, until the group turns against you. Then you do a re-evaluation.

Terri

Hi Terri

I have a theory that healthy levels of hormones (male or female) are important for our mental health. I was going through anxiety attacks and all sorts of mental head spinning until I went on HRT. In your case the decision to go with Estrogen/Progesterone or Testosterone is the million dollar question. If your doctor is telling you anti depression meds are not for you - for Gods sake listen! These things can make you not care which is not the solution. If your not with your wife any longer and don't plan to be what stops you from seeking relief with Estrogens and Progesterone? It seems to me that this is worth a trial run to see if it relieves your depression problems. I know that Testosterone worked for me. I "think" getting some hormones into your system will help you as well! And once your on HRT I think mapping out your near future will be much easier to do.

[bryan (imported)]

I have a theory that healthy levels of hormones (male or female) are important for our mental health... In your case the decision to go with Estrogen/Progesterone or Testosterone is the million dollar question... what stops you from seeking relief with Estrogens and Progesterone? It seems to me that this is worth a trial run to see if it relieves your depression problems. I "think" getting some hormones into your system will help you as well!

Mr. T,

Yes, you won't get any argument from me. I would like to start taking estrogen. However, haven't had enough sessions with my gender therapist to get her approval, and the medical doctor I saw this week wasn't willing to prescribe a trial dose. The doctor feared such a prescription would look weird to anybody doing oversight. I would like to try some estrogen, just to see what effect it has on my psyche. Seriously considering self-medicating since gender therapy is currently on hold due to lack of job.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Guess I'm talkative today. Pondered the BIG ISSUES over lunch today. Some insights/conclusions:

1. The suicidal depression is made out of the same stuff of whatever drove me to obsessively/compulsively seek ways to diminish/damage my male equipment prior to castration. Back then, I was like a female who had woken up to discover a penis between her legs. There was anguish then, and the anguish continues -- in a little different way.

2. If I were male inside, it would be silly/foolish to have pain over not being a female. But since I am female inside, the emotional pain of having a male body is real. The pain stems from physical aspects (ugly male body), social aspects (excluded from female circles), and role (would like to take care of children). Normally it would be wrong/misplaced to suffer suicidal depression over unattainable things. Advice would be: "C'mon! Don't dwell on what you can't have. Move on and get a life." However, the combined experience of TS's and our relationship to suicide says something else is happening besides mere desire.

3. I would like to fulfill my vows by being a husband and father. But not at the expense of my personality. I am unwilling to take lessons in being male.

4. Although I was willing to sacrifice my own desires in order to be a husband and father,... Let's stop there right there and examine the words. Being a husband and father is supposed to be fulfilling, yet I considered it a sacrifice? Yes, and a sacrifice I couldn't bear for long, since I was longing for death. So it is a sacrifice I am unable to make because death becomes strongly attractive under the circumstances.

* * *

So much for the brain. Let's look at the heart:

What are my dreams? To be female on the outside. Also, to take care of young children as a female.

Do I want to transition? YES. The only thing that holds me back is an assortment of fears: fear over employment issues, fear over passing, fear over ostracization during the awkward inbetween stage, and fear over voice. Obviously, I'll have to overcome my fears because they aren't reason enough to avoid transition.

* * *

An observation: You know how one likes to be noticed by members of a particular sex? Realized today I would like to be noticed by men. This is so weird. Attention from a female wouldn't do a thing for me.

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

Mr. T,

Yes, you won't get any argument from me. I would like to start taking estrogen. However, haven't had enough sessions with my gender therapist to get her approval, and the medical doctor I saw this week wasn't willing to prescribe a trial dose. The doctor feared such a prescription would look weird to anybody doing oversight. I would like to try some estrogen, just to see what effect it has on my psyche. Seriously considering self-medicating since gender therapy is currently on hold due to lack of job.

Terri

I hope you will not self medicate. Those of us (And you soon I hope) that are on HRT have to be closely tied to a Doctor who understands hormone treatment. I don't know so much about estrogen and progesterone but taking testosterone can be bad news if you take too much or already have any cancer. Costs of medications are a curious thing. Female HRT is not super expensive and always ask the doctor about "samples" and explain you are between jobs. Some of the companies that sell meds have a plan for people who need help. And lets face it any company that comes to your rescue with Estrogen and Progesterone now will probably have a customer for life. Its not like you can stop (nor can or would I) I really don't know if hearing this helps. But all my mental issues of anxiety, stress and just pissed off mood burned off like a fog when I went on HRT. I assume your feeling just crappy and such. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel. When you start on some regiment of HRT it will make a huge difference for you. *I think. So don't give into depression and NEVER get self disctructive. You are a young person with a long life to live. Hang in there. Your just getting your "Menopause" out of the way now

[plix (imported)]

I am not going to tell you not to self-medicate because I know that for some self-medication is the only option. I know how irritated I always felt when people who could afford out-of-pocket private medical care would tell me that self-medication is wrong. I have self-medicated on and off for over a year, and without it I would not have been able to take hormones.

That being said, if you are going to self-medicate, understand there are risks involved. Technically there are mild legal risks, although I have never heard of a case where they were enforced (in the case of E self-medication, anyway - T is far more difficult to accomplish and carries more serious legal risks).

But the most important are the health risks. If you choose to purchase from a foreign pharmacy, choose one that is known to be reliable. There are many scams out there, and many who deliver fake or incorrect and possibly dangerous meds.

And even the correct medication and dose can be dangerous. There are serious health risks involved even with using E under medical supervision. Some of these are liver damage, blood clots, stroke, heart attack, and others.

They can be fatal. I have heard of cases where people self-medicating have died or came close it. Perhaps your doctor would at least be willing to monitor you. If not, you'll have to consider whether you are willing to take the risk. There is more risk for you than for me because you are much older.

Do plenty of research. I did not go into self-medication blindly. I had looked up reliable information on dosage and methods. Oral is the most dangerous and the other methods (transdermal, injection) are less dangerous. Taking a low-dose aspirin daily can help reduce some of the risk of clotting.

Basically, don't take these risks lightly, but also realize that for some this is the only option. Do what feels right for you and not for anybody else.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

All moved in to my new place. Apartment-mate is supportive of my issues and got a book off her shelf entitled Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, an intersexed person who went from female presentation (Callie) to male presentation at age 15. One of the poignant moments: Fellow classmates were well into puberty and Callie was feeling left behind. She asked her mom if she could finally start wearing a bra. Her mother laughed and said, "But, you've got nothing to...to...to hold it up!" A tantrum ensued and Callie ran to her room. Lifting her shirt and checking herself in the mirror, Callie saw that mom was right. She burst into tears of frustration and rage. Reminds me of how I've checked myself so many times in the mirror post-castration, always hopeful, only to be disappointed. [CORRECTION: The joke's on me. After finishing the book, I learn it's a novel. Jeffrey Eugenides is a normal male, not intersexed. Great narrative, however.]

Been taking lots of long walks the last several weeks, to "decompress" as my sister put it. My family wants me to hook up with a psychiatrist in Chicago, but I figure it would just be a re-hash of sessions in Philadelphia. After all, the one in Philly gave me a pretty clean bill of mental health. My problem is fairly simple to understand at this point: proceed with transition, or face crippling/suicidal depression. What does this have to do with long walks? I figure long walks and a slower pace of life accomplish as much (if not more) as having a $175/hr person in my life.

Gender therapy, on the other hand, is something I need. Have to wait till I'm working again, however.

HRT: Got my hands on a sample of estrogen. Going into Day 3, no discernible effects still. Emotional spectrum is the same (good). Still get the "fragile feeling" in my muscles at night. Maybe sleep has improved. Kinda surprised at the lack of effects since progesterone and DHEA gave results right away. (NOTE: Taking asprin concurrently to avoid bloodclots.)

Terri

P.S.: Looking forward to meeting folks at the Central States EA meeting this weekend!

[plix (imported)]

How is the estrogen doing? How much and what type are you taking? I am excited you are finally able to start and hope it turns out to be everything you are hoping for.

Taking the aspirin is smart, and if you can get a doctor to at least monitor some bloodwork, that is even smarter

[bryan (imported)]

Regarding HRT: I'm taking 2mg of Estrofem per day orally. This is Day 6, and effects have been nil to minimal. The only effect has been improved sleep, with more dreams. But it's hard to tell if this effect is from E or just my increased mental peace over transition. (Or is the mental peace from E???)

While out driving yesterday, I noticed the "GID monkey" wasn't chattering in my ear all the time. My mind was actually blank for awhile, allowing me to think about whatever I wanted, including non-pressing matters. Again, this could simply be from increased acceptance of transition.

In case you are wondering: Yes, I'm checking daily for breast development/changes.

Have had a couple hot flashes, so 2mg/day is probably just an appetizer as far as my body is concerned.

Was looking at estrogen in the TG section of InHouse pharmacy...like being in a candy store! I'm considering using creams instead of pills. If y'all have any recommendations, feel free to speak up.

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...

I noticed the "GID monkey" wasn't chattering in my ear....

What is a GID monkey?

[bryan (imported)]

What is a "GID monkey"?

Budley,

Sorry for being unclear. It's a term I made up, but figured other TGs would understand immediately. First, GID stands for Gender Identity Disorder. Second, monkeys are known to be active and mischievous, and people with serious problems talk about having a "monkey on their back." When you have GID, it becomes the focus of your life, all your waking hours. You're able to think about other things, but the GID is always there in the background (if not the foreground), asking for attention. Kind of like having a chattering monkey on one's shoulder which one can ignore only so long. The empty mind yesterday was such a change from the norm that it got my attention.

Hope that explains it,

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

Budley,

Sorry for being unclear. It's a term I made up, but figured other TGs would understand immediately. First, GID stands for Gender Identity Disorder. Second, monkeys are known to be active and mischievous, and people with serious problems talk about having a "monkey on their back." When you have GID, it becomes the focus of your life, all your waking hours. You're able to think about other things, but the GID is always there in the background (if not the foreground), asking for attention. Kind of like having a chattering monkey on one's shoulder which one can ignore only so long. The empy mind yesterday was such a change from the norm that it got my attention.

Hope that explains it,

Terri

Thanks. Now I understand.

[plix (imported)]

Remember that it will take a very long time to notice any real effects. Placebo is powerful and can be expected to take the blame for the first week or so. After that point, depending on your sensitivity, you may begin to notice some mental and emotional effects. Others don't notice these effects until later on, and some never notice them. What they will be depends on many factors, including the appropriateness of you being on estrogen (whether transition is right for you).

I usually hear that the first signs of breast development, nipple tenderness and puffiness, can be expected to begin anywhere from 2 weeks-3 months. Since I was pretty young, I was closer to two weeks. Age and sensitivity will greatly impact the beginning of the physical changes, and to what extent they will occur. I was young, but I seem to be not very sensitive, so in a year I never got beyond breast buds. That is very unusual, so don't worry

I would avoid creams. Gels are different from creams and can work very well. But creams are known to have poor absorption rates. I am not sure whether you mean true creams or estrogel, which is a gel and something I used for a long time with reasonable success. I never considered a cream because I read so much about the poor absorption.

If you can afford them, patches are the safest and have great success in the right dosage. But they do cost more and that will prohibit their use for many.

[lindaleah (imported)]

Hello Bryan

Just wanted to give my support. I agree with MrT about hormone balance. I first went on about 2 mg day of E (1mg pill plus cream) self medicating for a little over a month and it took about 3 weeks to when I first noticed any results. My breast got sensitive (a lot) and grew just a little? I then went on Dr monitored (thanks to advice on this site) a low dose of Spironolactone and estrogen. With approval from my Dr I doubled the spironolactone after 1 week and my T dropped from 267 to 175 but my E dropped also since I had stopped the higher dose E. I got depressed! First time in my life. Probably a good thing to know what it is. I told my Dr and she doubled the E and now I am doing GREAT and feel GREAT. Still a very low dose for true transition but she wants to take me slowly as I am only the second transgendered person she's seen and she is learning with me. I don't know my E and T levels as I requested to wait till Nov to recheck. Had to slow it down because of money. Insurance is paying for some of it but not much.

Wish you all the good in the world and hope your life goes in great direction. I absolutely believe We have the power within us to determine most of our own outcomes.

LindaLeah

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Had an extremely low time tonight. Guess I had optimistically put transition on the shelf again, and depression came and whacked me. Absolutely whacked me. Had trouble holding back tears while walking back from the grocery store. Was missing my boy, too. Used up lots of Kleenex at home. Couldn't breathe through my nose for awhile.

(For what it's worth, I skipped last night's dose of estrogen. Hard to believe one missed dose could have an effect, but you never know.)

I should be in a better mood, having been to the Central States EA meeting. It was enjoyable meeting everyone, with yummy victuals, but the gathering only helped confirm the severity of my gender issues. I was secretly hoping that meeting other eunuchs in person would help me see that eunuch status is sufficient, that my perceptions of being female inside are exaggerated. However, unless the conversation was on EA-related stuff, I didn't have much to contribute. It was, after all, a male-oriented gathering. (As stated on another recent thread, males are still "men" after castration.) Rather than being my newly-uninhibited self, I retreated to my old, familiar "observer" mode, rarely contributing to the conversation. I have been an observer for so much of my life, and observer status is unsatisfying in the long run.

While thinking about gender issues tonight, saw that when I contemplate remaining male for the rest of my life, death immediately comes to mind. Though I give suicide the obligatory refusal, I would just be waiting for death. (Not saying that transition is going to be free of death thoughts. I just plain don't want to deal with my gender issues. The wheels fell off my gender in Nov. 2004, and I want to go home rather than try to deal with screwed-up gender. Such an enviable position we TS's are in: who wants to go against church and society?)

Wouldn't do too well remaining male. For instance: you know what I do when combing my hair? I play with it in the front until I'm not "ugly." If I see "man," then I'm still ugly.

Dreamed last night I had long, feminine hair (and loved it). Normal for a man? I think not!

My prayers changed this evening: "Lord: If transition is not Your will for me, take me from this life, or put roadblocks in the way. Don't let me outlive my love for You. Under the circumstances, transition is the only path open for me."

From my heart to yours,

Terri

P.S.: It's been a year since I last masturbated. Simply no interest, and no need.

[plix (imported)]

It looks like you have hit a bit of an obstacle, but I am not too worried yet. I don't like to see you depressed, but I know that bouts of depression are sometimes necessary to learn important lessons. I know this from personal experience. There have been times when I too thought I could not go on or deal with things anymore, but I look back on those times now and realize they were necessary parts of my journey of self-discovery.

Are you quitting the estrogen, or did you just skip it one time?

Some mood swings on hormones are expected, but if you suddenly find yourself becoming depressed all the time after starting estrogen, that may be a sign to take things cautiously. Estrogen is not appropriate for everyone, and most transgenders say upon starting estrogen they develop intense feelings of well-being. A man would not fare well emotionally on estrogen because it is not right for him.

Take care and feel free to give me a call if you want to talk