Late onset (yet always there)

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My dearest Terri,

When you mentioned to me yesterday that you had skipped your estrogen dose, I was going to say something to you, but instead, I thought I'd let you find out for yourself.

Once you start hormone therapy, you have to stay with it each and every day. Skipping just one day can very well produce the feelings of depression you're experiencing, especially since you haven't been on it long enough to have it build up in your system to any extent. Girl, you've got to stay the course each and every day.

As far as transition....it is something that is inevitable for us that are truly transgendered. It is really the only thing that will truly make us a whole person or the people that we really are. I too have spent many long hours over the past six years asking Our Lord if transition is right. If not...give me a sign, set up a road block to let me know that it's against Your Will. No such sign has ever come...all I get back from Him is His peace.

Take your estrogen today and keep praying. I truly believe that if transition is right for you, you will get your answer from Him, just like I have.

As we have discussed, trying to fall somewhere in between female and male will just leave you out of both "inner circles" and very alone. You have got to commit to a course of action and the time has come to make that big decision in your life...do I remain as something that I'm not (male) or do I proceed with transition and become the person I truly am?

Based on your latest post and our discussions on this issue....I think we both know the answer to that question.

Hang in there Girl and call me if you need someone to talk with. You know I'm always there for you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Finally got rid of that "dirt" on my legs (i.e., shaved 'em). They look so nice and clean now. It was a symbolic act, indicating I'm favoring transition.

My wife tells me I have to do what the Bible says. I agree. After all, "God has called us to live in peace" (1 Cor 7:15). I'm convinced I'm female inside, but wife can't accept my female identity. Living together would produce suicidal depression in me due to the dissonance, so we must part ways. My Biblical duties at this point: (1) do what's necessary for us to live in peace, meaning self-exile, (2) don't get married again, and (3) support ex-wife and son to the best of my ability. I can live within those parameters.

Transition and Social Life: If I stay in male-mode, would likely be a loner. At this point in my growth as a person, I would consider the loner path a failure, nothing more than an escape. Had zero (non-TG) friends prior to coming out; is that a sufficient failure to indicate transition is worth a try? Wife, son, and in-laws were the extent of my social life. Just wasn't interested in friendships with men at church.

* * *

Plix, Erica, LindaLeah, and Mr. T:

Thanks you for your contributions to this thread. The skipped estrogen dose was intentional, to cut the dosage. I like the mental benefits of E, but not sure I'm ready for the physical effects. Taking 1mg/day effectively (2mg every other day). Will be interesting to see if depression hits this evening, since last night's dose was skipped. Because transition is currently on the docket, I don't think it will. If the depression is hormonal, then I'll have a low time tonight. (Always the experimenter, I guess.) Also taking 81mg enteric asprin daily to reduce the risk of blood clots and stroke.

Just ordered more estrogen: Climera 50 patches and 1mg Estrofem tablets. My goal for now is a low, not-too-feminizing dose. The deeper/longer sleep is wonderful.

Terri

ADDENDUM: Been in good spirits this evening, so Sunday's depression was from putting transition on the shelf, not a dip in hormones. Effects from estrogen thus far (Day 9), compared to life as a eunuch with no HRT:

-

improved sleep, with more dream

ing

- not experiencing the "fragile" feeling anymore

- more emotional stability, fewer tears

- possibly a little more inhibited

- Mr. Penis is still asleep. (DHEA and progesterone both gave it some life.)

- possibly less compassion

Sense of well-being? Not 5mg's worth, certainly! (Did you see EricaAnn's latest post?) But remember I'm not at transition levels.

Looking over those benefits, low-dose estrogen is great HRT for a eunuch. I mean, one could buy sleep aids, but where can you also find emotional stability AND osteoporosis prevention all in one package?! Just gonna have to see what sort of boobies develop -- a benefit for some, drawback for others. (Boobies are a risk I'm willing to take.)

The estrogen is leading to a catch-22: It makes me feel good enough that I wonder (as I often do) if transition can be avoided. However, the process of taking estrogen IS PART OF TRANSITION.

It's just so much fun to experiment with hormones! So far, estrogen is my favorite over T, DHEA, and progesterone. Terri the Human Hormone Lab!

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

With your legs now shaved and the estrogen in your system.....you have got to be feeling better and I'm very happy for you.

You are already beginning to see and feel the effects of coming out. More friends, a good start on a social life, etc. Isn't it wonderful?

I'm also glad to see that you've ordered more estrogen. As we discussed this past weekend, you are starting to experience the effects of the estrogen, i.e.; better and more restful sleep,

more emotional stability, fewer tears,

much less depression and so on. It's great, isn't it? And even at a 1 Mg. per day level you will start to see the physical effects in the next several weeks, though not as pronounced as if you were on a higher dosage.

The estrogen is leading to a catch-22: It makes me feel good enough that I wonder (as I often do) if transition can be avoided. However, the process of taking estrogen IS PART OF TRANSITION.

Terri, you are absolutely right...the day you took your first dose of estrogen you started the transition process, therefore....it's not something that can be avoided any longer because you have already begun and are in transition right now. Estrogen is the start and it just goes on from here Girl. You're going to love it!

*********

By the way, until the 1 Mg. tablets show up what you want to do is to split the 2 Mg. tablets in half. You don't want to spike and drop your estrogen levels back and forth by taking 2 Mg.'s every other day. It will put your body on a hormonal roll-a-coaster. Keep it constant, on a day to day basis, by taking 1 Mg. every day, not 2 Mg.'s every other day. You will see the difference right away.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Started reading Sexual Metamorphasis, an anthology of TS memoirs edited by Jonathan Ames. It's useful to read about other TS's to see areas of overlap: thoughts of suicide, perplexity/confusion over self, social withdrawal. Reading TS memoirs has me wondering: How did I ever get this far? Not one but two marriages, fairly normal ones at that. It was only after the gender shift of Nov. 2004 that I became a full-fledged, by-the-book TS.

Had a moment today where I felt a little bit normal. Didn't last long. Saw a college-age couple arm-in-arm and simply thought, "Does Not Compute." Did I used to be like him -- happy to possess a female? What a foreign concept. Do I desire to be in her shoes? Don't know. This asexual business is weird.

Transition is like a long journey. Do I know the complete route yet? No. Just taking baby steps. But as each milestone appears, the rest of the route will become clearer. Nor is there only one way to the destination. I'm hoping for one of those stealthy transitions where changes to my body finally "out" me, at which point the switch to female-mode will be quick and actually greeted with some warmth by others -- along the lines of, "Why has this female been dressing in men's clothes?" That is, after the female body and personna bloom, then feminine apparel/adornment can come. I want the awkward inbetween stage to be as short and painless as possible. I can dream, right?

There is a "rachet effect" going on. Each step toward femininity establishes a new norm from which I can't retreat. Hairstyle is a good example. As recently as two months ago, was

parting my hair in normal male style

with lots of forehead showing, as I had done for years . After shaving my beard two months ago and arranging my hair differently, I can't stand to go back to the old way. I've tried it occasionally over the last two months and it lasts only seconds before I go "Ugh!" and switch back to the new norm. Another exampl

e: Started trimming body hair before castration,

and it has continued. Finally got tired of the remaining "dirt" on my legs and shaved 'em.

Having a hard time accepting myself again. I take long walks to "process my issues," as well as to dull the pain, I guess. With lack of acceptance come thoughts of suicide. But I tell myself: "Transition...is better than...suicide." Occurred to me that suicide is an extreme form of self-exile. That being the case, I should be satisfied with exile to Chicago. The population here is more accepting of gender-variant people than folks in the Deep South. Any observer would say, "Give things a try in Chicago before looking for another exile."

Been looking for an epilator -- you know, those beauty devices which rip hairs out by the root. Loved this review by one lady: "When you first take it out of the box, it looks like a torture instrument and when you switch it on, it sounds vicious."

Thanks for listening,

Terri

P.S. to Erica: I halved the pills as you suggested. When I took last night's half-pill, it seemed so small I decided to pop another in. "Make up your mind, girl!"

[alecia (imported)]

I say, it seems so tiny and insignificant, the human hair...but its growth or lack of growth becomes one of the most frustrating aspects of identity there is. And for a male to female TS, nothing is less appealing than dealing with a body covered in nasty hair. A beard that takes over 300 hours of electrolysis? ACK!

Are you getting any GID counselling yet, or are you just getting the meds and self-administering?

And girl....I am 28 months off HRT and STILL hot flashin'! No fair!

Sorry I had lost touch with your posts here, hon. I will endeavor to check here a lot more often to see how you are. Sometimes things get really tough and we have to stand together or we stop standing.

::

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Was pretty low today. Really not thrilled about transition. Was indifferent toward it today. Did some more reading of TS memoirs. While reading about reactions to TS's (e.g., "You'll never be a real woman"), I think: "Just F 'em all. Forget transition; I'll be a loner." Sorry. I hate that F word. Just gotta use it sometimes.

Where is the needle on the transition meter today? Shooting for a feminized body while remaining a male socially. Changes day by day.

GID is so perplexing. What ARE we supposed to DO? Figure I've lived a productive life up to this point, and now I'm pretty worthless. Why even use up the resources for living? -- they're just going to waste on me.

But we don't get to decide when we leave this earth. So we go on.

SO -- bought some cosmetics to practice with. Also bought an Emjoi torture machine (http://www.emjoi.com/productpages/hair/ ... optpro.htm) for ripping out chest hair. Actually got a bit tearful/emotional on the way home reflecting on the purchase: "That hair... doesn't belong THERE!" *sniff* As TS's, our minds have a different body image than what the mirror shows.

Day 13 of estrogen: Nipples have gotten sensitive. In case you are wondering: b's are something I can happily live with even if I never transition. Times in the mirror are disappointing without them.

* * *

Hi Unmasked,

Regarding GID therapy: I had five sessions during my 'check with the professionals' phase in Philadelphia (August). The therapist agreed with my self-diagnosis (GID) but didn't think it was time for hormones yet. Maybe I displayed too much ambivalence about transition. Now that I'm settled in Chicago and looking for a job, I need to watch money more carefully so gender therapy has been put on hold. Some things can't wait, however. I wanted to at least try estrogen, to see what sort of mental effects it would have. You know firsthand what life is like without hormones; it gets hard in the long run. (Just ask my wife. Ask what she thought about my emotional instability.) Well, I've tried estrogen and love it.

As for hot flashes: Yours do seem to be lasting a long time. Mine never really stopped, but they were mild and infrequent. Try taking DHEA. It seems to promote health in low-hormone folks like us, and it may boost your T-level just enough to stop the flashes.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

As you recall, I was pretty depressed yesterday:

GID is so perplexing. What ARE we supposed to DO? Figure I've lived a productive life up to this point, and now I'm pretty worthless. Why even use up the resources for living? -- they're just going to waste on me.

Today has started off differently, for the better. Was reading Jenny Boylan again and was struck by this passage:

Boylan [referring to transition]: I can't do this to my wife.

Therapist: Listen, you aren't "doing" anything. You are a transsexual. Amazingly, you have managed to carry this burden all these years. It is time for you to get help...

It is then I realized that I, too, had carried the burden successfully all these years. It helped having the "useful lie" that I was only TV, a lie that even I believed. That is, until the lie no longer worked.

(Interestingly, the

song "She's Come Undone" by the Guess Who made a

strong impression on me just a few weeks before the Nov. 2004 gender shift. Indeed, the 'she' in me has since come undone, unwrapped, unbound.)

So I cried tears of thankfulness that I was able to have a good 11 years of Christian marriage, was able to be father to our son until his 6th year, had the opportunity to work in missions, etc. Puts a different spin on things and makes me glad my issues stayed submerged as long as they did.

The social dysfunction was present but undetected. In a way, my problem became my son's problem. Family observed proudly at the time, "Never saw a father who spends so much time with his child." We played together, spent time togther, a lot. But it was a result of my issues: (1) didn't have outside friendships to maintain; (2) didn't have male interests which took me away from him; (3) was more like a loving, nurturing mom inside. How did it become a problem for my son? He and I were together so much, it stifled his interest in other relationships. Wife says he is blossoming now.

Reflections on transition: Now I'm comparing it to a swimming pool. Yes, I want to go in the water; it's always attracted me. But the deep end (full-time) is scary because I haven't learned to swim yet. So I'm not worrying about the deep end for now. First going to play and splash in the shallow end.

By the way, for those who would like gender therapy but can't afford it (or it's not convenient right now), do some TS reading. It's like holding a mirror up to your life, enabling you to assess the quality and degree of your issues.

Nice to end on a positive note for once,

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

It was great having lunch with you on Saturday. I always enjoy your company!

So far, estrogen is my favorite over T, DHEA, and progesterone.

I so glad that you're enjoying the estrogen and I fully agree with you...it's my favorite hormone too! The increased sensitivity of your nipples is a very good sign. You're now moving into the physical effects of the estrogen. Now it's really going to get fun!

The lure of that swimming pool of transition is great. For most of us TG/girls, we eventual get wet, because we do have to take that swim...we simply must try. So ease yourself slowly into that swimming pool of transition, even if it's just the shallow end.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

A letter mailed to my wife today:

Hate to be writing this. When you stigmatize my condition, it makes me want to seek death. Saturday (post-conversation) and Sunday were very hard. You do not realize the gravity of the situation. Consequently, let's keep future communications short and businesslike. Likewise, proceed with the divorce so future communication can be minimal. That as much as anything will enable me to function successfully at a job.

Tell people whatever you want. I just don't want to be party to half-truths, false fronts, and the like. The Lord's outing of me to [family-friend] was rather refreshing.

* * *

Thoughts on transition: Still feeling comfortable with the idea of a slow, noncommittal transition. That is: take hormones (low dose), remove body hair, remove beard (as finances allow), and start using my gender-neutral middle name (Terry) at home and professionally. If and when body makes me look more female than male, then will probably finish the transition. For the time being, however, full-time sounds so scary. It also feels somewhat unnecessary now that I'm enjoying the mental benefits of estrogen (and am anticipating its feminizing effects, albeit at a slower pace).

You know what's great about EA? I can blather on about this stuff for FREE! With a gender therapist, it would cost me $125/hour.

Went to a welcoming-and-accepting church yesterday and had lunch with a subset of their GLBT group. Felt welcomed and accepted. However, the experienced was mixed. Being open to GLBT issues brings an openness toward other, unrelated things that would concern conservative Christians. Simple analysis: You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Not sure how I feel about it all, but hoping healthy spiritual growth will be the result whatever I decide. It is nice, however, being among "one's own kind" where you can be open and be yourself.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Terri,

I'm so sorry that your recent conversation with the spouse has got you so down. Is it a safe assumption on my behalf that this discussion occurred after we had lunch? As I have come to find....a lot of people just don't understand people like us. They have never experienced this....this.....discongruience between mind and body that effects those of us with GID. They just can't understand the inner torment and heartache that we have lived with. My heart goes out to you Girl.

I am glad to see that the estrogen is having a positive mental effect on you. Take my word, there's nothing like it!

And I'm happy that you have found an accepting congregation to worship with. I have also found the same through Dignity Chicago. The spouse and I attended last night and it was absolutely beautiful. It's so good to be able to worship our Lord as the person He made me.

Hang in there Terri. You've made it through some of the roughest times for us TG/girls and it's only going to get better from here.

[alecia (imported)]

Reading through your last few days, hon, you are suffering what we all suffer. I swear it is a total commonality among TS to feel worthless. But then, when you have no social identity you can rely upon, yeah, it's easy to feel worthless, useless, meaningless, etc. It's just another form of pride actually to feel as though others deserve resources that you need more than you do.

Also, this issue about your wife, why do you feel it necessary to tell her you are contemplating suicide? Is that going to help anything, or just hurt her intentionally?

The path you are on is HARD...and it's hard enough as it is to not hurt people with what you engage in. Be strong, be cautious what you share with whom (information is a powerful weapon) and never quit. Trust me, sweetie, I wanted to quit lots, but somehow continue on.

On to faith. WHY are you equating your transition with the cessation of your faith walk? I don't get it. You reminisce about how great it was to serve God and do missions and walk the walk of Jesus, to have a Christian marriage, etc...like it has to STOP now that you chose to unify your spirit with your body. I do NOT concur with that reasoning. I believe you need to be looking forward to far GREATER things from God and your relationship with Him!

Truth is, the dynamics of iniquity, I believe entirely, can twist the flesh so badly straight from the twisting of the spirit so that a girl's spirit is born in a boy's body and vice versa. Iniquity differs from sin as it is the genetics of sin, the predisposition towards a certain type of sin, or the twisting of your spiritual DNA. Don't abandon your faith thinking your transition betrays it...or that your faith is a hindrance to your transition. What people say is not what God says. Please remember that, sweetie. Don't hurt yourself....rememebr your worth through God and Jesus Christ, and YES!!! He DOES still love you with all His heart.

::

[bryan (imported)]

(bump, to let you know I'm still around. My diary entries for the past two days are just a bit too emotional and not worth posting.)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Doing better today. It's been a bad week. Even started praying for death again. Silly me -- I was trying to fight transition again.

Thanks for your call last night, Erica.

Something Mom said which rubs me the wrong way: "You get to have your fun now, while your wife and child suffer." Hmm...let's see: I prefer death over transition. If transition is fun and I prefer death to transition, that means death must be pretty fun, too -- right?

One of the continuing bright spots in my awful week was how the Lord encouraged me with a particular song: "Child of the Father" by Cheri Keaggy. Often when I was down, the tune started playing in my mind. The whole song is meaningful, not just the title. Here are some of the lyrics (edited):

I am a child of the Father.

It means I'm loved and I'm spoken for,

It means I'm wealthy in heavenly things,

It means I'm redeemed and forgiven,

It means I'm holy and blameless and free,

It means I'm Yours forever.

The blessings that are mine overwhelm me all the time.

And I ask myself: Is transition okay with the Lord? Well, how does my conscience feel when I take hormones, remove body hair, wear plain women's underwear or a nightgown, or purchase make-up? Conscience feels fine. If transition weren't okay with the Lord, I think He would have bothered my conscience by now.

No, my problems with transition are more practical: Don't want to go to all that trouble, don't want to antagonize people, don't look forward to awkwardness on the job, don't want to live under the tyranny of "passing."

The Lord brought another tune to mind this week, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. When I looked up the words, this passage brought tears:

Now this mountain I must climb (transition?),

Feels like the world upon my shoulders. (sure does!)

...

In my life there's been heartache and pain,

I don't know if I can face it again.

Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.

Yes, transition is a deliberate move away from loneliness. The alternative is withdrawal, the loner's path. That's where I was headed this past week. Even wanted to withdraw from family. How healthy is that?

GENDER IDENTITY

Love this quote from Jan Morris, an MtF who transitioned in 1973:

I had once surmised that [the desire to be female] might be an impulse common to all male persons. Though friends of both sexes vehemently deny it, it still seems to me only common sense to wish to be a woman rather than a man -- or if not common sense, at least good taste.

I understand what Jan is saying. Yes, the preference to be female seems like a no-brainer. But I guess that just shows the difference in thinking between TS's and gender-content folks. Good taste? Yes, I think taste/politeness is involved. For one thing, listen to TS's talk about the difference between men's and women's restrooms.

A sad thing: my cross-gendering could have been a blessing to in-laws and others back home. Cross-gendered people are able to see things from both sides and can offer useful insights for understanding between the sexes. We even have an elevated status in some cultures as a result. Alas, gender adepts are not appreciated in the South.

(Hmm...talkative today.)

Last night, examined the progression of my self-diagnosis:

1. Male who was seriously annoyed with perverted appetites/thoughts and sought cure via homebrew aversion therapy.

(*BOOM!* Spontaneous gender shift occurred.)

2. Male who, along with issues above, wanted to be a female. Sought cure via castration.

3. Castrated male who, although perverted appetites were gone, still wanted to be female and now even felt female. Still sought cure.

4. After stacking up evidence, acknowledged transgendering. Cure didn't seem likely. Sought to understand the situation.

5. After even longer search, realized female gender identity. Situation now understood. Stopped seeking cure, started seeking practical measures for relief.

Note that "transgendered" isn't necessarily the same as having a cross-gender identity. The DSM-IV only requires that a patient desire to be the opposite sex, whereas a cross-gender identity means one is the opposite sex inside. Desires, if improper, should be struggled against. But in the case of cross-gendering, it is no longer "desire" and it is no longer "struggle" but all-out war for survival. Which sex should win: the inner or outer?

* * *

Erica,

Yes, the downer conversation with my wife was after we had lunch on Saturday.

By the way: Noticed the physical effects of E stopped when I went down to 1mg/day. Also couldn't tell for sure whether the mental effects were still around. So made a deliberate decision to go back to 2mg/day.

* * *

Unmasked,

Mentioning my thoughts of suicide to my wife was not an attempt to hurt her. No, not at all. I was simply laying things out on the table: her treatment of my TS condition as morally wrong, and of my failed struggle against it as capitulation, make me want to "solve" the problem for her by exiting. That's all I can offer to please her. (She joined in prayers for my death before I came out to family.) She can be manipulative, and her behavior smacks of "tough love." Regardless whether her toughness is intentional or not, I had to exercise self-defense by requesting brief, business-only conversations and stated the reason why.

As for faith: No, I've not giving it up. God is the most important thing/person to me. But the opportunities I once had have been taken away because of GID. I was celebrating what was accomplished. Not sure what the future holds, but looks bleak enough: failed marriage, loss of son.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

From you most recent post, it would appear that you're doing a little better yesterday and I'm glad to see your decision on the estrogen. Missed those little physical side effects eh?

Hang in there Girl. As you and I have discussed, transition is a difficult thing, at best, to accomplish. It takes that certain personality that we talked about and you're going to have to be tough Girl.

Don't worry too much about the parents. At least yours are still talking to you!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,



DID YOU KNOW? This diary is one year old today! I've been blabbing about my deepest, most personal problems on the internet for a full year.

Woke up today feeling GREAT! Been so long since I felt this good.

So -- why am I feeling so good? Not sure. Maybe I'm closer to reaching a peace with GID. Current plans regarding transition: feminize the body (take hormones, grow long hair, remove body hair, remove beard), train voice, and start using my androgynous middle name (Terry) for everything. Stop short of full transition: No 'F' on driver's license and no female presentation at work; use female presentation only on occasion. SRS? Not going to worry about that for now, although inexpensive surgery in Thailand would probably be nice at some point.

Feeling very comfortable with the above plans. Essentially aiming for androgyny. Since my gender identity isn't completely stable, androgyny may be a happy medium. Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw, said one of her reasons for transition was to gain a stable gender identity. Although she gained other benefits from transition, a stable gender identity wasn't one of them.

Another reason those plans are comfortable is my social life as an "out" TS has been acceptable so far.

Been removing chest hair with Emjoi epilator. PAINFUL. Legs were relatively painless.

Started plucking beard last night. The pain is outweighed by the satisfaction at seeing the really thick/dark hairs come out. Why not wait for electrolysis? I have LOTS of time but little money. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but hoping for no more than 80% regrowth, with new hairs being thinner/lighter. One male on the internet said it took 12 hours over two days to pluck his. Another said he had his waxed, and now uses an epilator to maintain it. Can't imagine the pain of waxing one's beard(!): While plucking hairs on the tip of the chin, I hear/feel a scrunching noise like when a nail is removed from wood. In any case, regrown hairs will be easier to remove.

The beard-plucking may explain my good mood. Or maybe I've hit the right comfort level by thinking about stopping short of full transition . Fulltime is scary to contemplate. And I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate when I still have urges to ride shopping buggies in the parking lot like an adolescent. Maybe it's knowing that boobies are on the way.

What about wife and son? Had an amiable chat with wife Sunday night. She would take me back only if I "felt male" again. That's not going to happen; testosterone would be necessary. If I've had these leanings to the feminine side all my life, how am I going to start feeling male?

Toying with a hypothesis for the "late-transitioner" phenomenon: I liken it to the ocean tide. Before the tide comes in, the beach is clean (pre-puberty). Then the tide comes in (testosterone), and things are okay -- as long as everything is awash in testosterone. But as the tide goes out (i.e., T-levels dip at midlife), ugly seaweed is left on the beach. My point: Things which T brought and made tolerable ain't so tolerable once T starts ebbing away. Just a thought.

Terri

[kristoff]

I am highly supportive of these "diaries," yours and Philip's in particular. They are a wonderful means of exploring our own minds and feelings, yet allowing for others to interact with it. More than anything, they are highly instructive, and in many ways, let folks know what they can expect "down the road." Philip's thread, in particular, has drawn more traffic than any other on this board ever, so far as I can tell. Hopefully its instructive and informative benefit is equal to its viewership. Thanks both of you.

K

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

A very happy first anniversary on E.A. to you Girl. I have been an avid reader of your posts since joining the community last December and have shared in both your joys of discovery and your pain.

So glad to see you posting again. When I don't hear from you for awhile I get concerned and start to worry.

I'm also very happy to see that you have finally arrived upon a course of action that you feel comfortable with. That's the most important thing...that being what makes you happy and feeling good about yourself. You of all people most certainly deserve that! Stay the course my girl friend.

As far as plucking the beard...I don't know how effective that's going to be. Sounds as if it could be almost as painful as electrolysis, but with the benefit that you keep getting to do it over and over again. Between the epilator and the tweeser... you have got to be into pain Girl.

Keep the estrogen going and oh by the way....any more tenderness or sensitive in the breast area? Just curious. I know how much you want those boobies!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Erica,

Thanks for the anniversary greetings. Still taking 2mg/day of Estrofem, anxiously awaiting reinforcements in the mail. As far as "developments" are concerned, still nothing definite yet. Not sleeping on stomach anymore due to discomfort. (As though epilating, beard-plucking, and ingrown hairs aren't pain enough!)

* * *

Hi Krister (or should I say 'Kristoff'?),

Thanks for the encouragement/support.

* * *

Hi all,

THE PHYSICAL SIDE

The torture from the Emjoi epilator doesn't necessarily stop when you turn it off. I'm dealing with a cluster of very painful ingrown hairs in my armpit; the elongated red knot is about the size of a large paperclip. Not gonna use the Emjoi on my armpits again. Yes, I am using a loofa now.

Took the head of the Emjoi completely apart last night to clean it. A rather daring operation, and fraught with concern when it came time to put it back together again. Don't see any other way to clean the tweezer parts. It still works, thankfully.

How's the beard-plucking, you ask? Gave up after clearing my face (down to jawline). Got about 15% of the throat done before calling it quits. When I saw the results, I cried wearily: face looked so good (=feminine) without any shadow, but it took so much effort and pain, and the results won't last long. Spent about 7-8 hours over three days.

If you ask me, beard hairs are over-engineered! The roots are WAY stronger than necessary. I couldn't BELIEVE the effort required to remove some of them (nor the SOUND some of them made!). If a beautician were doing the work, she'd have to put her foot on my chest and use both arms to get sufficient leverage. (Okay, so I'm exaggerating. Just wanted to leave you with a word picture.)

Since I'm currently on the androgynous path, beard-removal doesn't have to be perfect. Hoping 2-3 hours of plucking per week will tame it sufficiently. Time will tell. If the expense of electrolysis can be avoided, all the better.

THE INTERNAL SIDE

Still wish I could push the "self-destruct button" on this errant missle. Life back home was simpler and fell within societal norms. My spiritual life is going thru some turmoil now. The established guidelines don't work for everyone. So what are the others supposed to do? I'm out of my comfort zone and don't like dealing with moral uncertainty/ambiguity.

Still feeling rejected by wife and cut off from my son. Her standards are TOO STRICT. She's "protecting" our son from his own father. I would have to "feel male" to be accepted again. The whole situation makes me feel worthless: loss of family, loss of respectability, loss of a meaningful job.

Watched TV at Mom's while doing laundry today. Asked myself, "How's my gender doing today? Has it shifted toward the male side at all?" Considering I chose to watch babies get delivered on Discovery Health then watched a movie about a woman searching for her birth mother, I'd say I'm still in the 'F' zone. (Shed a few tears with both shows.) When Mom came in to watch the evening news, I cried over two of the stories, both involving deadly harm to children. Although I'm on estrogen, I'm still crying more than women.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

A warning about plucking: If you do it, you risk distorting the follicles and making future electro you may desire much more difficult. This could result in more cost and time. When I started electro, my electrologist said she could see I had not tried to remove the hair by any other epilatory method and that this would help speed up the process. Anything that removes the hair by the root qualifies as a potential problem, including plucking.

May I ask you to go into more detail about the spiritual turmoil you are experiencing?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'm convalescing. Saw a doctor Friday about the infected ingrown hairs. I have 5 abscesses; 2 are average boils, 3 are whoppers. Now taking antibiotics and applying warm compresses.

The medication says it can make birth-control pills less effective, so stopped taking estrogen for the time being. Didn't want to waste my precious supply. Plus, not feeling very feminine right now. You ought to see the goop which comes out when I drain the whopping abscesses: deep-magenta blood, beige pus, and yellow bile. How bad does the abscess in my armpit look? It originally looked just like the one on this informative page: http://www.finlay-online.com/photoquiz1.htm. Be sure to first click on the image to enlarge it. Next, picture it with an ugly, weeping ulcer in the middle. Then picture if barfing, with a streamer of purple/beige goop coming out. Now you have the idea. Not very feminine.

One abscess is two inches above my left nipple. Was trying to drain it Friday evening. Having no success, I got bolder and more experimentive with a needle. Scared myself when I was able to stick a needle in ONE FULL INCH without any resistance nor sensation. My mind raced to worst case: expensive diagnostic tests, cancer, mastectomy. Nurse was able to reassure over the phone me the next day.

Haven't been writing much in my diary during this convalescence. Wrote some thoughts down, but they were private.

* * *

Hi Plix,

The electrologist I saw in Philly said the same thing about prior hair removal. Guess I really didn't care; electrolysis seems so far off at this point. Figured it was worth experimenting with plucking, especially if mere androgyny is my goal. I always thought SRS was the main expense in transition, but electrolysis is huge all by itself ($8000?). I'm a thrifty person and also don't like spending money on myself, so electro just seems so distant.

Regarding spiritual turmoil: it isn't TG-related but involves a controversial topic which would cause thread drift. I'll give you a call sometime.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

Haven't heard from you in awhile and I'm getting concerned again. Are you okay Girl?

Please post up for us or give me a call when you have the chance...just to let us know you're still out there somewhere.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Erica,

Thanks for checking up on me. Things are fine here. Still taking antibiotics. The abscesses have finished draining, thankfully. Was in major pain Friday until a big clog came out of one.

Continuing to pluck beard. The results are so satisfying. Got a magnifying mirror to make it easier to see my throat hairs.

How is GID angst these days? Still shooting for androgyny. And I ask myself, "Why is presentation so freakin' important?!" But I couldn't stand to cut my hair short now. And it's so nice not seeing beard shadow. When I consider toning down the external changes to average male appearance, I can sense myself wanting to isolate -- or die. (The latter is my all-purpose solution for impossible problems, if you haven't noticed already. )

When I come off the antibiotics, I'll have to decide [again] whether to take estrogen. At the moment, I'm feeling rather genderless. Have the antibiotics dried up whatever estrogen my body was producing? I still tear up watching dramas, but not feeling girlish.

So -- there you go: not much to report.

Oh...one more thing. Spoke with my wife a few nights ago. Told her I had written a story for our boy. It's about a Christian family around 200 A.D. in which the husband contracts leprosy. With Divine healing not coming, he must head off to the leper camp, thus separating him from wife and child. My wife's response was, "Don't make it personalized" (i.e., don't make it obvious it's an allegory for our situation). To make a long story short (sorry this isn't making sense): what I sensed in our conversation is our boy is going to grow up with the normal (i.e., sheltered) view of transsexualism, which puts us TS's into the freak category. Consequently, when he eventually learns the truth about me, he will respond with disgust. I don't have a good feeling about that.

That's all for now,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Seems we have a bit of a purge going on. Removed my toenail polish. Shaved face to prevent further plucking for at least a few days. (The plucking gets obsessive after awhile.) Been sticking with boy underwear for a week or more. Won't re-start estrogen just yet. What's going on, you ask?

I'm learning how much time, pain, and effort is needed to feminize a male body. (Just talking hair-removal at this point.) Approaching it from a Christian viewpoint, it's hard to justify the inordinate expense/waste of time. However, I freely admit how contradictory/hypocritical my thoughts are in this area. I've wished for death many times in this ordeal, yet death is the biggest time waster of them all.

For the moment, it appears I'm headed for the loner path: just get a job, live alone, go to a conventional church and don't get too close to anyone. Stay closeted. At least I have family and Erica nearby. When I've contemplated this path before, depression doesn't wait very long before clobbering me.

Deep down, I think this purge is an effect from the antibiotics. Just been feeling genderless the past 10 days. HEY! Maybe antibiotics are a CURE for GID! Maybe GID is caused by BACTERIA! In any case, we'll see how I'm feeling, say a week from now. (Took last antibiotic pill this morning.) Actually considered taking progesterone again to maintain these effects until I recalled that P deadens emotions and consequently removes enjoyment from life. (Think 'PMS'. Progesterone shuts down estrogen production.)

If depression clobbers me again, then I'll have to conclude the time/pain/effort to feminize the body is a necessary medical expense.

Really starting to comprehend the rejection from my wife. Who cares if I start feeling male again and we get back together? Her 'conditional love' would last only as long as I'm feeling male. If GID came back, then I'd be on the shit-list again. Also been feeling let down by the church: they don't know how to handle GID. Can't blame them, really; GID is really hard to understand. Been praying for guidance because I DON'T KNOW what I should do. What's best: the time/effort necessary for an androgynous appearance, or a path of relative isolation?

Here's a bit of honesty: I'm not immune to childish feelings. At times, I feel like playing the man so that my wife will feel like she should take me back. But I'd tell her, "I'm still not feeling male inside." Seems like what would fuel my ability to remain in male-mode would be the hurt/anger I've felt over her rejection. I know -- the feelings aren't very Christian. I'll work on it.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

UNSENT LETTERS

There are things I write to my spouse which never get mailed. Here's one from Oct. 7th:

I fear for the day when [our boy] hears the truth and says, "Is that all? Is that why Daddy wasn't there?"

Is that why Daddy's chair was always empty, always bare?

Is that why Daddy didn't see me growing up?

Because he liked his hair a bit long?

His toenails painted, or a teal nightgown?

My friends, they wouldn't have seen,

So it really wouldn't have been,

All that big a matter.

He didn't do all he should have done:

No one pushed me to ride my bike,

And he didn't make a swimmer out of me.

Discipline was not his forte -- is that why he was gone?

We rarely played catch, and barely batted ball.

Football? Yes, if I asked him, we did play in the fall.

And good times had we plenty:

Water rockets squirting high, BB's blasting soda cans,

Errands in the truck, pretending we were fliers,

In hot pursuit of Japanese.

Burgers at Hardee's, with notebook, too,

For Wally and Longnut, those well-beloved two.

You ask me, "Was it worth it?" to have him not around?

So that I could live a "perfect" life,

Uncluttered by realities that others stumble through.

Some friends lacked fathers, and that gave us a bond.

But I envied those who still had their fathers home.

I wondered, "Why did he leave?"

Did he find a new mommy? Did he stop loving mine?

Just what was so appealing, he gave us so little time?

It's just as well, I hate him now.

I hate him for staying away all those years.

Didn't he know we'd love him, a little strange he be?

So that's why Daddy's chair was always empty, always bare.

He didn't think we could love him.

* * *

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Don't worry about a little instability during these present times. Keep your eyes on where you want to be and what will truly make you happy. There are options other than transition, if you want to continue further exploration.