Desperate to be a Eunuch

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Just a quick note for you.. Look in the grocery store where the frozen Orange Juice Concentrates are. Look for a quart plastic bottle of Black Cherry Concentrate. Suppose to take 1 oz. per day. It mixes with everything. Suppose to help with gout.. But I use and I think it helps with general knees that don't want to work any more. Tome's Ciropractor suggested it to him and he told me so I am taking it now too. Generally, I always feel natural remedies are far better than taking any perscription meds. Seems every perscription med has a side effect.

[tugon (imported)]

I received a text message that my most recent client passed away this morning. She died in a nursing home which is not what she wanted. My sadness surprised me. We got along pretty well and were together over 5 years with her husband for 3 of those 5 years.

I always thought of her much as I think of myself that we are both too mean to die. She and I were very much alike. I think that was the source of friction but also why she did not want anyone else caring for her. She was comfortable with a kindred spirit. We were both fussy in the same ways. As she developed some mild dementia I still did things as I did when she first taught me how she wanted tasks done. She had this evening caregiver that was so very lazy and when I told her at dusk she likes all the curtains drawn she would not do it. B never asked her to do it so she would not. It took a minute to pull the cords on the traverse rods.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was ready for a change in professions. There were days she would pick at me and I could not wait until I was no longer needed. She was one of my first clients that I considered leaving while there was still a need. She was the type of client who confused paying you with buying you. A friend stopped by and she mentioned to her friend that I would make her lunch. I smiled and said I am B's caregiver and not her butler. Butlers make more money and do not have to supply personal care. The woman was someone I worked with in the hospital and my mother went to school with and neither of us liked her. I was not making her lunch.

Now I have to pull my funeral suit out of the closet and see if a trip to the dry cleaners is needed.

[tugon (imported)]

Monday learned of my client's death.

Tuesday went to the funeral home.

Wednesday learned that a friend and former boss's 22 month grandson snuck out of the house and drowned in a pond.

Thursday found out a friend of 20 years and my age was in the hospital suffering from kidney failure.

Thursday stopped in a convenience store and who should come in but my rapist/abuser. He went to the other register and I tried to be unseen. He left without saying a word.

Friday back to a funeral home to pay my respects to the family of the little boy.

Friday was the anniversary of my young friends death 38 years ago.

Saturday, this morning, I woke up after one strange dream. The dream must have been inspired by that show where people come back from the dead. In the dream my young friend returned from the dead. He looked good. Of course he was still 19 and I was no longer 20. He was a youth of 19 and I was me at 58 and that seemed sad in many ways. All my fantasies of growing old together were gone with only one of us being old. In the dream he seemed more ethereal than physical. We never hugged, kissed or touched in any way. I was glad to be able to speak with him again and be in his company. What a strange and emotional dream.

After seeing my rapist I was thinking how many years you can go in this small city without seeing someone. Then I began to do the math which is something strange I do. I was last abused by him prior to my castration in December of 1997. Since the abuse lasted for 17.5 years I am almost to the point where I have been away from him almost as long as I was a victim. June of 2015 I will celebrate equal amount of time free. I have felt free for many years but that milestone is a good one for me. Sadly I was hoping the earth would have swallowed him up by now but seeing him did not create the panic it once did.

Tomorrow is Easter which has little significance for me. My friend actually died on Easter Sunday all those years ago. Now I get through tomorrow and can put all these thoughts of loss and sorrow behind me.

[tugon (imported)]

Do I really need to sleep tonight? I have been having romantic dreams of my investment banker. We were in bed and he discovered my testicles were missing. I told him I would explain later and I was completely comfortable with him. The other dream I had was me satisfying men of my past and a number of others. Both scenarios would make me uncomfortable in the daylight hours. I am so free in my dreams but so restrained in my waking hours.

I have started a new job that is so multi faceted that I am anxious about learning it. Everyone is complimentary about how I am doing. My night shift trainer told me that I have not cried or stormed out from frustration. I guess many have quit after the first night. This job is more mentally taxing than physically taxing. I am glad my brain is up to the task. I fear that as a no T eunuch I would have trouble learning but I seem to be grasping the duties. I will be pleased with myself when I master the job. I also am standing for eight hours a shift and do enjoy it.

I have befriended an elderly woman here in the apartment complex. I met her when I was walking my dog. She was coming home and was having trouble climbing above the snow drift. I saw her struggles and offered her an arm to hold onto. My dog Corky was very gentle and kind to her. Another time we were walking by and she was slipping on the snow and ice trying to take her trash to the dumpster. Corky and I stopped her and we helped her back to the building ad threw the trash in the dumpster. Since then we talk and I have helped her with other things and she decided she wanted to take me out for lunch. We went to the Olive Garden and had a nice lunch. She said something that surprised me that she was afraid she might embarrass me. I told her she could not embarrass me but I could embarrass myself. I wonder who made her think she could be an embarrassment?

Dreaming of a trip to Quebec City. Mother and I visited Quebec City from 1999 to 2005 except for one year we went to Philadelphia. I have never been to a city where I have felt more alive. Paris was incredible but Quebec City feels like home. I must have lived there in a past life. I need to walk the streets of the City.

[plix (imported)]

I am glad to hear that you have found a new job. It sounds like this job may be a better fit for you than the last one. I definitely love to stand and move about when I am working. Keep us posted on how it is going!

I hope you can visit Quebec City soon!

[tugon (imported)]

I am glad to hear that you have found a new job. It sounds like this job may be a better fit for you than the last one. I definitely love to stand and move about when I am working. Keep us posted on how it is going!

I hope you can visit Quebec City soon!

In the meantime I had an interview for yet another job. I am waiting to hear about this new opportunity. I was contacted and asked to please come in and meet with the manager. If they do want me to work there I may work part time at my current job. Of course I am still buying lottery tickets. Working two jobs may have it's rewards such as that trip to Quebec City.

[tugon (imported)]

I am sitting here at work. I balanced and completed the audit by 3:00 AM. I have a few small tasks but the only thing I can do is watch the hands on the clock. At 7:00 AM my night will be over and I get to walk my dog.

When I first started training I wondered if my no T and frequently concussed brain could learn a whole new set of tasks. This is not healthcare after all. Good news I am doing it. Trust me I am not an expert but everyone is pleased with my work. Management has received some nice comments from corporate reps that know me. So I am learning and appreciated. What a nice combination.

I am living proof old eunuchs can learn new tricks.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

I seem to remember you once saying, "It is not what is behind a zipper that counts." I want to endorse that. It is true. What matters is what is in the heart. If you are really in love, it doesn't matter at all what is behind a zipper.

[tugon (imported)]

A friend was over this evening. She and I have been friends for years and we had a good time catching up. I was wearing shorts and she asked if I now shave my legs. I was stunned by this question but should have expected it. I am much less hairy than I once was.

Sadly I took the easy way out. She knew of my abuse and so I mentioned that all the abuse dropped my T levels. I was not in the mood to educate her on eunuchs. I think she felt bad she asked and I felt bad that I did not want to explain it all. I forget that people remember me for who I had been.

I am surprised this does not happen more often.

[tugon (imported)]

I have been a bitch lately and I am trying to figure out why. A dear sweet friend sent me a text based on her religious beliefs. Well she got ripped a new asshole via text. I thought I only thought about sending the text but actually sent it. Shades of my alternate personality again. It had been dormant for so long and now it seems to be the side of me that is prevalent. I do not think I will risk sending texts or e-mails. A woman called about making a reservation and she was a bitch and I almost let her have it.

There have been some negative events locally and the stress of learning the new job might be the trigger. Fatigue from working two different shifts might be to blame. Whatever triggered it tugon the bitch is on the rampage. I am trying not to punch republicans or christians. And this fucking computer that keeps capitalizing christians.

Even my own dog is acting so spoiled. We take long walks but as soon as we get close to the apartment he sits or lies down and will not budge. I call, offer treats and soon lose my composure. Oh good another male that will not listen to me. I did smack him on his butt this morning which I had not done before. I think it made him more determined not to move. He gives me a look like I am in charge here. In my current state I resent the hell out of his stubbornness. Growing up with a lot of physical and verbal abuse I never use physical punishment but some rotten words come out of my mouth. He does finally move when he notices I am frothing.

So most of my posts may be less than charming and so I will avoid making any. I will avoid people as I can until this is over. Interestingly important people get the worst of my behaviors. People who I work with or help at my job only see my sweet side. All others be warned.

[tugon (imported)]

Had a good cry at an appointment today. My dog has been producing bloody urine for two days so off to the vet. I found out that my neutered dog has a large prostate. He is on antibiotics in case it is only prostatitis and the symptoms should be greatly reduced in a few days. He took that finger without a whimper or a yelp. He will be on antibiotics for a week then on the 21st he will have an ultrasound and possibly a biopsy if symptoms have not lessened. So far he is doing better than I am.

My vet is so kind with us both. She knows how important my dog is to me and gives him very good care. Dr. P was so reassuring but sadly I am so neurotic about my dog. The tears still flowed. I cannot imagine life without him.

He started the bloody urine on last night's walk. I worried the whole night about what might be wrong and if he will be okay when I got home. I opened his bedroom door and he was jumping around and grinning because I was home. Oh and because I had a Taco Bell crunch wrap. I was so glad to see him that I did not mind finding his bed urine soaked. I did not mind because there was not a sight of blood. As we were walking the bloody urine began again. That is when I called our vet's office and they got us in quickly.

Soon the neighbors will be talking about me walking my dog and keeping a close eye on every stream. They may think me an odd man as I intently watch my dog's urine color.

[Riverwind (imported)]

I know just what you mean, when our pets hurt we are in as much pain as they are. I think its worse then having your own kids. We bring them in our home and soon they become an extension of who we are.

I hope your best friend is better soon.

River

[tugon (imported)]

I know just what you mean, when our pets hurt we are in as much pain as they are. I think its worse then having your own kids. We bring them in our home and soon they become an extension of who we are.

I hope your best friend is better soon.

River

Thank you so much River. We are a case of who rescued who. Corky and I were standing on the side of the road one day and a gentleman passing by commented on how much like me was my dog. He thought we were both bright, observant and neither would hurt a flea. I was pleased and surprised by his comments. Corky is one of a kind.

[JesusA]

I hope that Corky is doing better (and you, too). I understand how important you are for each other. An enlarged prostate is not that rare for an older male dog - especially one who has been castrated (the opposite of humans). Your vet has probably seen a great many of them and knows the most effective treatment for it. My thoughts are with the two of you.

[tugon (imported)]

Checked messages today and Corky's vet left a message. She looked at the specimen and saw lots of white blood cells but no funky cells that might be cancerous. Sounds like just an infection but she will follow up this Monday. She is so kind to reassure me and she knows I need it. Yes I got a little tearful in the exam room. After all other than my dog who is goi

ng to sit in my lap and lick my face?

Now for the insensitive people in my life. I shared with a friend Corky's problems and my fears. She sent back a note where to find a new beagle. OMG I do not want a new beagle I want the one I have. Oh and "he is just a dog" does not sit well with me.

Thank you Jesus for your support. Corky is about 7 years old but he knows I expect him to be with me for many more years. My dream is for the two of us to be walking in the woods and both our hearts will give up at the same time. I just hope I fall away from him so my falling body is not blamed for his death.

[tugon (imported)]

I have been enjoying my new job but not for the mediocre wages. Soon one of my favorite musicians and composers will be performing locally and staying at my hotel. I am debating having his cd's available for autographs.

What has been really fun lately has been a guest who is a transwoman. She used to hurry past the desk until she had to ask a question. My supervisor and I were so welcoming and friendly that she now stops and chats. I am glad she feels comfortable now and is opening up. I directed her to one of our local spas for a mani/pedi. I call her by her first name and my accepting of her seems to make her happy. I wonder if she has ever posted here and if she has I would love to say I am tugon.

I am glad to see some acceptance than I ever expected in this part of the country. From the tour of murdered gays to a transsexual woman out and about I see progress. Maybe being out and proud and not murdered is why I stay.

[tugon (imported)]

Hearts starve as well as bodies

Give us bread but give us roses

In my case I am missing art, music and good conversation. I am missing someone with whom to share those things. I am lucky to have a nice collection of art from travels and artist friends. I have music stored many places throughout the apartment. I miss someone who enjoys a turn of a phrase without saying "I do not understand you". I miss creativity of thought and talent. Please help me but I find many people in my day to day existence dull.

I did have some fun sharing music with my cousin's son who mentioned he liked piano music. I made him a cd of Mussorgky's "Pictures At An Exhibition" which Mussorgsky never orchestrated so the piano only version by Evgeny Kissin I thought might be of interest. I also made him a cd of Erik Satie's solo piano pieces. The Russian and French composers are so different but I love them both.

The Columbus Museum of Art is a bit of disappointment. It does not take long to see the art and except for the occasional special events there is not much reason to visit. We do have the Pro Musica but again the lack of someone to share it with is the problem. Museums I go to alone but concerts I like company. Thankfully we have several nice theaters to host Broadway Across America. Yes I need a periodic musical to keep my heart beating.

This is my third day off from work so I am bored. I checked all the stored numbers in my phone and all the people I would like to see and share time with have moved away. Plans

with my sister and her spousal equivalent

to go to a mediocre chain restaurant in an hour. No point ordering a glass of champagne and escargot as a starter. At least no one will order the fried cheese sticks or whatever they are called. Speaking of good cheeses no need to speak of them here.

I am not saying I want something elegant or expensive but creative. Finding something delicious from a food truck and discovering a street artist would be great. Or a group of people creating music on the street for tips. I loved the street performers in Quebec City. If you are ever diagnosed with a terminal illness move here. You may not live longer but it sure seems longer.

[tugon (imported)]

I wish I could find a good therapist in this area. I am tired of repressed memories coming to the surface of my awareness and causing great upset. As I am dealing with the emotions my subconscious swallows the memory up again. All of a sudden it is like what the hell upset me so much. Then of course I wonder if I had remembered it before only to be repressed again. Oh well one day it will come out and join the other memories.

[kristoff]

I wish I could find a good therapist in this area. I am tired of repressed memories coming to the surface of my awareness and causing great upset. As I am dealing with the emotions my subconscious swallows the memory up again. All of a sudden it is like what the hell upset me so much. Then of course I wonder if I had remembered it before only to be repressed again. Oh well one day it will come out and join the other memories.

I've found that a tape recorder (of whatever form) and a notepad works wonders. Then find the most far out therapist you can; a link is often in the works.

[Riverwind (imported)]

I remember my therapist telling me to write everything down and those things I worry about put them on a small piece of paper and put them in my worry bowl. I think this is what Kristoff is saying and it does work.

There is something about writing it down that allows your brain to give it up. You still have it but no longer need to keep it in your brain.

River

[tugon (imported)]

I remember my therapist telling me to write everything down and those things I worry about put them on a small piece of paper and put them in my worry bowl. I think this is what Kristoff is saying and it does work.

There is something about writing it down that allows your brain to give it up. You still have it but no longer need to keep it in your brain.

River

Thank you both and I will try your suggestions.

[tugon (imported)]

I find lyrics in a song can express what I am feeling. This chorus from a Lucinda Williams song is hitting home for me.

From the cradle to the grave

You will always be a slave

To the quiet darkness of your memories

And that's the truth, my friend

The ugly truth, my friend

I've got proof, my friend

And that's the truth

Peace to all who are plagued with memories that cause them pain.

[tugon (imported)]

A co-worker at the hotel wants to fix me up with a blind date. I asked her how long he had been blind and apparently he is sighted. Now I have less in my favor. He works in healthcare and loves dogs. She said he likes wine and mature men. How about an immature man that is old. Hell I am seeing the beginnings of a turkey neck. She thinks we would be perfect for each other. Oh hell he is only 32 years old. I could date him and reminisce with his father. Hell I might be older than his father.

The last time someone tried to fix me up with someone I so enjoyed the disappointment in his expression. He was not very attractive but must of thought I would look like a porn star.

To further indicate my age I must admit due to having worked the night shift I fell asleep in front of the computer. I woke up and remembered I had a dog to walk so an hour and a half later I have returned.

Oh well someone was thinking of me. I guess I should be pleased someone sees me as a viable date for someone. I can imagine the different music we like and explaining to him about the Beatles and Janis Joplin. Oh well I can always share how exciting it was to watch men walk on the moon. Oh I better go and sort my meds for the day.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

My wishes are for the best for you with this blind date. Always take life one day at a time.

[tugon (imported)]

Introvert(89%) Sensing(12%) Thinking(25%) Judging(33%)

I took an online test and these are my results. I have known for a long while that I was an introvert but had no idea I was only 89%. I thought I would score higher.

I recently photographed a wedding and I was physically exhausted when it was over. I was in the apartment most of the next day with the exceptions of dog walks. I took multiple naps and listened to music. The holidays are painful for me. When mother was alive and had the house I could slip up to my room for a break. Now I take my dog and he stays close when I am being overwhelmed.

Oddly I am perfectly capable of visiting large cities and passing large numbers of people. There is a peace in being anonymous among a sea of faces. A crowded museum is no problem because it is the art and not the people. Same with music or plays since I am aware of the stage and not who is next to me. I certainly have no problem in a small bistro when I am seated shoulder to shoulder with someone when that is the culture. In my town at a restaurant when someone throws their arm over the top of the seat and invades my space I react.

My job is not good for a person who is 89% introverted. I learned it, I can do it but back to healthcare for me. I also think I have the personality of a greeter at a funeral home. Oh and black is thinning but more so for the deceased than me.

Time to prepare myself for a walk with my dog. He does attract people but he gets the attention and I just smile proudly at him. They will sometimes speak with me and even say kind things. They have watched us for several years walking in all kinds of weather and admire my dedication to my dog. Two individuals have said my dog and I are alike in that we seem to be intelligent and are peaceful beings. I am reminded of how bad I am at small talk.