Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Plix,

I'm very happy to hear the news about your brother and I know from things you've written what a tough time you've had there. You have my very best wishes for continued improvement of your relationship with your brother.

I am open to the possibility of future contacts and gradual acceptance. If that doesn't happen, though, I will be fine. I am feeling very strong and totally back to my typical sense of well-being.

I feel really blessed by all my friends here on the Archive, at my own very welcoming church and at work. It would have been much more difficult for me to get back on track after this weekend without all this support.

[Danya (imported)]

MrT,

I am certain my brother would not be at all open to this thought/feeling experiment idea, although I do think it's a good one!

He knows about my low T situation and happiness. As he is a physician, I would expect him to be at least vaguely familiar with gender issues and certainly willing to be open-minded. That's just not the case, though.

He can have all the time he wants to think about this. Whether he will ever have a change of heart is a big question. He knows I am open to hearing from him if he indicates he's at least making an effort to understand me.

Whew... Its hard for him to grasp this but I suggest you ask him how he would feel if he woke up in a female body and people were telling him to get over his "problem" and start acting like a women and please have a normal sexual relationship with a man because it is "normal." Oh, and tell him that in your case this "problem" started when you were very young and he probably was able to see there was a problem even then.

In short its a medical issue not a social activity!

Then let him really think about it for a long while. If he is not a total dunce he may get an idea of whats going on with you and why its important for you t odo this. You might then explain how dialing down the male hormones has helped you where for many people it would make them feel awful etc.

[Danya (imported)]

Folks at work who know what occurred over the weekend with my brother have been terrific in their support of me. My direct boss was extremely sympathetic and offered some helpful input.

A coworker wrote me this very kind note, and she's a relatively new employee:

It's a lousy blow to lay his issues on you & to use religion as his crutch...families are such a gamble; sometimes you win & sometimes you loose...fortunately for you, you have found what makes you happy & something you want in life, and that gives you more than most people have or ever attain...its sad enough that you can count on the ignorance of some people to make things more challenging for you, without adding those people who are supposed to love & support you unconditionally...but there is strength in your decision & your pursuit of happiness, and for that you are staying true to your dreams & desires; if its right for you, nothing else should matter...I know this has to be a very challenging & difficult time for you, and I hope that you find the love & support you need while you walk your path...in the end I am sure everything will be right! You deserve all the happiness the world has to offer; keep your chin up & ignore all the BS...following your dreams just scares those who are too afraid to do the same in their own lives...and they will take it out on you...so take it as a compliment

[Danya (imported)]

After work today, I went to a gay-owned with some of 'the girls' from work. This was a terrific lift for me. Partly because, as has happened before, I felt like I fit right in as one of 'the girls'.

The nice thing about the bar is they often have live music, usually like tonight with someone playing the piano and singing. I love to sing! (and play piano, too, but with only one piano, I couldn't get in on that action ). I had a terrific time with these women, some of whom are barely half my age. We were all singing. When the soloist was finished, he came to our table and told us how fun it had been to have us there. Several of 'my girls' complimented me on my voice.

I was pleased that some of the women present had deeper singing voices than me, because I'm working on my voice. Just to sound reasonably feminine. It needs to have a certain hard to describe combination of sultriness, breathiness and restrained energy - just kidding here, of course. I am working on my voice, though! , but I'm not overly concerned about it.

As I stated in an earlier post someplace , for the first time in my life I feel totally at home in a group. This is when I'm with women. I never felt this way in groups of men, whether gay or straight. It's a wonderful feeling!

[Danya (imported)]

Please do not get the idea from my previous post that I dislike men at all! I'd love to have a man in my life, just not a group of them! And I have a soft spot in my heart for a number of eunuchs, too!

[Danya (imported)]

I agree wtih MrT and know from my own experience know that there are genuine, loving, non-judgemental Christians out there. Sometimes in surprising places! I am very happy to know a number of them very well, from pastors to priests and lay people. In the past, I was very close friends with several very with it, Christ-centric Roman Catholic nuns. So there is hope for the rest of the not so Christian Christians.

Our Creator loves each of us, besides. Including those not so very Christian Christians, Jews, Muslims, pagans, Buddhists, agnostics and everyone else. I simply cannot believe in the existence of any other type of God, higher power or however one wishes to describe the architect of our evolving universe. OK, I know, I'm getting a little out of control here. Time to be quiet!

[mrt (imported)]

I'm going to be called sexist but I think men make the worst doctors so... No comment on your brother.

But if we are talking doctors lets just say this. Remember they are human and someone had to finish last in class. He/she is still a "Doctor" maybe just not a very good one in some areas. And his relationship to you might be just too close for him to be open minded.

As to your voice. I've not spoken to you so I don't know how it sounds but I used to have some VERY naughty dreams about Paula Pretis (Oh and Doris Day - to much TV I think) and she has a pretty low voice so don't sweat it too much...

[joanne-f (imported)]

Some women have lower voices than men but you still react to them as feminine voices - it's all about the way you use your voice (i.e. phrasing) rather than the pitch. You can either find some technique which teaches you how to talk like a women does or listen to other women and try to copy the way they talk.

[gpb3aol (imported)]

I Portland Oregon there is a therapist that teaches how to talk like a female without changing pitch, but by changing diction.

[Danya (imported)]

I agree, Joanne and Pauline, it's no so much about pitch as about phrasing, inflection (men tend to speak in more montones than women, for example), diction and a few other things. I've read quite a bit on this and have a DVD to help, besides. Just as you suggest, Joanne, I have paid attention to how women speak and compared that with men's speech. Very enlightening!

Thanks for the input!

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I've had to push things a little at work to keep my transition on track for lift-off. I am certain now that this will be the date. A transition team of upper management and me will meet for the first time next week. I've provided HR with lots of information on how companies go about successfully enabling smooth transitions. In fact, my gender therapist told me Monday I know as much as she does about how corporations can handle transitions well so my HR department need not call her. I can tell them everything they need to know. Unless they want someone from the clinic to come and speak to employees with questions and concerns, that is. I am really excited that this is moving ahead!

[Danya (imported)]

I have a blog post called 'I want to abandon my family'. I'm at the point of simply saying I will let go of them. I returned from California Sunday where I had been visiting my brother. I felt rejected (he stated 'there is no support' for me and he found what I am doing 'bizarre' - sorry for the repeats here for those who have seen this). He also feels what I am doing is a choice. In a way that's very true but it's a choice I am making to be fully myself and happy.

I am starting to conciously let go of my family. I'm still open to hearing from them but the more time that passes with no word the more difficult it's likely to be to re-establish any kind of relationship. I'm really kidding myself here, anyway, there never was that much of a relationship.

My brother called my other brother's wife after I left him at the restaurant. He followed this up with an email the next day to her and copied me. The subject line was 'Thanks for the support'. Of course, this does not mean in and of itself that the rest of the family supports him and not me. OTOH, I haven't heard anything from my Dallas relatives to indicate otherwise, despite my two replies to his email.

If he had sent this only to me, I would not have responded. Since my sister-in-law received it, though, I wanted to respond to tell my side of things. I have to let go of the idea that if only I explain myself and what I'm going through better, the rest of the family will somehow understand. If they are ever to understand, they will have to reach that point on their own.

My second and final response was Monday morning. I haven't heard anything from anyone and in fact it's been several weeks since I sent my other brother and my sister-in-law a book named 'True Selves" to help families understand transsexualism and deal with their feelings. I never got an acknowledgement that they got the info on the book, which is very out of character.

If I think about this situation too long, it starts to tear me apart. Fortunately, I don't allow myself to remain in that spot for long.

I've pasted in here my final response to my brother's email. Feelings he was expressing were clearly not the result of a weekend visit gone bad. Clearly, he still has issues with me going back to my childhood. I mostly feel sorry for him now. A few times this week, I've felt guilty that I wasn't able to be the older brother he seems to have wanted. Those guilty feelings were short-lived.

I'm posting this simply because it helps me, still six days later, to get it out. The need to do this is lessening as the days go by.

I have changed names here, including my legal name.

MY SECOND RESPONSE (MONDAY MORNING):

You make assumptions that are not true about why I visited you, Thad. You also stated I showed no interest in your life at all. This wasn't the case. I clearly stated we were both trying so I got that. I asked you if you were still flying and then why you weren't, were you dating Susan (who is very nice) and I said it was good you were still friends after dating, how your job was going and I mentioned to you I remembered you had been concerned about the first day being stressful and then asked how that had gone. I discussed your job with you and if you thought you could straighten out the 'fiasco' situation there. Susan, you and I had a really nice conversation over dinner, at which I asked a lot about your work. When you mentioned the possibility of working for your old Bakersfield practice from Laguna Beach (remotely), I asked if you'd have to go back to working crazy hours. I said your house was beautiful and I'd met some of your nice neighbors. I said you were lucky to live in a beautiful spot. I talked to you about what kind of dog you would want to get when you brought that up, mentioned I'd noticed your books on dogs and suggested you might want to have someone come during the day to walk the dog since they don't do well for long hours with no human contact. I asked why you needed a building permit for the kitchen and commented how beautifully it was done. I said I wished you had more palm trees. I am by nature introverted meaning I don't tend to talk much. This is simply one way of relating to the world and there is nothing wrong with my being that way. I don't see that your responses to my questions were any more in depth, or lively, than mine to you.

I appreciated your bringing the coffee and food to the table when we went for breakfast and other small things like that you did. I felt safe being in your home. I enjoyed walking around town with you and I told you it was fun.

I don't feel at all that I dropped the gender issue out of the blue into your lap [note: this was in February]. Of course, it was sudden but how else could I have done this? I was only coming to fully understand and accept what was going on in my life in late December and January, after talking to the university therapist. We had two long phone conversations after that email and I thanked you profusely for calling. You say if I had brought this up sooner (when I didn't know the whole thing clearly myself, as I said) you wouldn't need the book implies that you'd be open to talking a lot about this major life change I'm going through. Or that you'd better understand thing, perhaps. Your response to Sue seems to say, though, that you don't want me to talk much about it at all. Am I missing something here?? And to reiterate, talking about it with my family does not mean it makes up my entire life. It is indeed a huge life change, though, for anyone so you can bet I have to put a lot of thought and effort into it.

I was very anxious about visiting you because when we first spoke on the phone I apologized for any part I had played in making our relationship difficult. You responded with 'I forgive you', which is terrific. You did not acknowledge any part on your end, though, in problems. Whatever you feel or think, both parties in a relationship contribute to the good and the bad whether equally or not. So I never got the idea, rightly or wrongly, that you viewed yourself as having any part at all in what doesn't work in our relationship.

I always wanted to be accepted by you but there always seems this identity stuff we can never agree on. So, yes, issues like being gay or transgender are on my mind when I see you. This in no way means my life is spent contemplating sexuality or gender. Do you honestly believe you can know, from a few conversations, what my life is like or how I spend my time? You have no clue as to how varied and rich my life is.

I'd also ask you to note that in my response here, I don't attack who you are as a person, Thad, either now or in childhood. And if you think I don't have issues there, you are dead wrong. I don't criticize your choices or how you behave. I just don't think it's at all useful for me to bring these things up and part of that is because I realize my perceptions of who you are today are colored and off-balance because of past experiences that may be totally invalid today.

The name everyone else calls me by is indeed a way, and a healthy one, that I have distanced myself from a painful past. You've gone about handling the past your way and it would be really nice if you respected the way I've handled things, which also included forgiving our parents long ago. I felt fortunate in that I did that I forgave mom and dad years before they died and I was able to hug them and tell them I loved them, genuinely, in the last years of their lives. I clearly stated to you recently that all parents, including ours, do the best they can.

You do not know enough about my life, though, to make conclusions on how much time I spend thinking childhood issues. I am indeed thinking about childhood issues now in relation to gender therapy. That's part of the process and helps me understand things about my life and who I am. These things from my past are not issues I've ever thought about before. It does not mean I'm sitting around bemoaning my childhood in any way. I moved on many years ago.

My hope in visiting you was that it would be the beginning of an improvement in our relationship. Things like this don't happen over a weekend visit but it can be a start. I was feeling we were making a good start until we got to dinner Saturday. I just don't see how things can improve, though, if I'm being told that my behavior is bizarre and I am not supported at all. I feel like I've been rejected by my family in a very painful way, and I'm talking about the present here, not the past. Saturday night I felt like I knew a little of what an older teen must feel like when he's kicked out of the house for being who he is, whether it's gay or transgender. What I don't get here is how you think we can have a relationship if you don't accept me. If you truly believe being transgender, or gay, is no more than a choice then that's your reality and I'll accept that and move on because.... It isn't my reality and this difference in outlook is a roadblock, then, that we probably will never get beyond. I do care about you and wish you happiness but ultimately I have to look out for my own well-being and be true to who I am. Right now, and I really hope that will change, I don't see that there's room in your view of things to handle 'who I am'. Ultimately, it would make me very happy if you become an important part of my life.

As I said last night,

I'm always open to hearing from

you. I am not open, though, to having my character from childhood on criticized. I was very hurt by the way you treated me as a child but I see no point in bringing any details of that up. We were both children then, brother, and siblings often really don't get along at all well. It's irrelevant to me now.

Unless I'm being accepted for who I am, or at least know you're making an effort to reach some understanding and acceptance, I will be unable to have a good relationship with you. That's not at all the way I'd like things to be. Lack of acceptance and support is asking me to put aside who I am and pretend to be someone else so you will be comfortable. I can't do that to myself.

[Danya (imported)]

It's only been a week since my brother rejected me simply for being myself. I can go for hours at a time and feel fine about this, and in fact not think about it at all, particularly when I am among people. Nearly everyone I spend much time with knows I am Danya and they are accepting.

Unfortunately, I find myself at other times still getting down about his response. Beyond the obvious 'your brother isn't accepting you' bit, I think I've figured out what's going on in my head. This is a very good thing

His complete lack of understanding and support is tending to drag up childhood coping mechanisms in me. That is, as a kid, I needed to be perfect and hide who I am in order to be 'loved' by my family. With my brother, I'm tending to feel like I've broken out of the perfect role so it is in some way my fault that he responded the way he did. His behavior isn't really his responsibility at all.

This is the same way I reacted when I was assaulted by a group of poor people in 1984. They couldn't help themselves, they're underprivileged, poor, they don't know better, they've seen violence all around them, etc., etc. I didn't allow myself to feel angry over what had happened and this was not a healthy reaction. What did happen is that I got extremely depressed. It was 5 years later, as I dealt with post-traumatic stress, that I allowed myself to be angry over what happened to me. That's when I finally started to really recover, emotionally, from the assault.

My mostly below conscious level feeling that somehow it's my fault for my brother's repudiation of me is, of course, complete BS! (I don't know if it's OK to type out bu....it here ). Now that I know what's going on in my head, I can get angry over what happened and I will get better. Soon, too, as I've gotten really good at anger lately . I don't need to let anyone know I'm angry for this to work. All I need to do is acknowledge the angry feelings and allow them out to play for a bit. Then they will harmlessly dissipate, along with the irrational feeling that somehow I'm to blame for my brother's response. This way, no one gets hurt but I get to vent. All of this is in the privacy and comfort of my own home, too.

Sometimes lately, when I allow myself to be angry in private, I discover what I had thought was the problem is really something entirely different. I can then calmly deal with what's really going on. Again, no one gets hurt and I am able to heal.

[Danya (imported)]

I was having a bad time this morning, but only for about an hour. At times, I'm still bothered by my brother's treatment of me. The pain is lessening when these feelings do crop up. I'm still working on getting my anger out That's usually not this difficult and I'm embarrassed to keep posting on this. So, enough said.

I went out to late brunch, dressed as a man because I had just gotten up from a nap and the brunch seating at the nearby restaurant was going to end in 20 minutes. There wasn't time to get properly dressed, as me, and I really needed to get out of the house and clear my head. I've posted that I am now finding what matters most is that I have inwardly embraced the woman I am. It's comforting to be myself, clothing and all, but it's not a requirement to my feeling authentically female.

I paid using a credit card with the logo of an east coast school I attended. The waitress returned with the receipt for me to sign and asked if I were originally from the east. I answered yes and we then got into a long conversation about her being a grad student at the university and that she travels frequently back to NYC where she has a rent-controlled apartment on the upper west side of Manhattan. Her boyfriend is currently living there, although she originally got the apartment when she was married. She has a son from that marriage who's living part of the time with his father. She started going into a few more intimate details and then smiled and said "I don't know why I'm telling you all this" We talked some more. It was a very sweet conversation. It seems what was happening is that, despite my male attire, she could sense the female quality about me. At any rate, in the past when I had identified as male, no waitress ever spoke of these types of things with me. This was a really cool and affirming experience!

[Danya (imported)]

I had been feeling so down since my return from California last Sunday that I had not gone out dressed as Danya. Part of not going out as myself was also due to having to work over or being at electrolysis appointments in the evening. I dressed at home during the past week, though.

This afternoon I went out as myself and I felt again the same sense of freedom I noted on my first trip to the mall. I think that experience is posted in my blog. It was terrific and I spent 2 1/2 hours at the mall. I had a blast and no one gave me a second look. Today was the same and typical of what I've been experiencing. When I am dressed as a male in public I still feel female inside but there remains a sense of having to pretend, to some extent, on the outside.

So, this afternoon I had a similar feeling of relief that I could simply be myself. I stopped by the store to pick up my second new pair of glasses and had a really good time chatting with the woman there who had helped me pick out the frames. Then it was on to a busy gas station very close to an interstate exit, so it was sure to be full of people traveling through from all walks of life. It's important that I feel confident in all kinds of social situations and I continue to find that I do. After filling the tank, I went into the station's store to use the ATM. Then I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a padded bra and nylons.

MLF #1 (my lesbian friend #1) had informed me, in no uncertain terms, that the women's heels I had picked up at a thrift shop are 'frumpy'. I finally get her point! I don't like narrow heels at all but I like a shoe with a wider heel that will actually support weight. So I stopped at a discount shoe store and got a nice pair of heels, wide ones. I don't have many women's shoes and the others are all flat-heeled (low-heeled?? - I don't think I've got all the words right!) and inexpensive. I got them at Target. Those are the ones I will wear to work.

Getting out and about dressed was a huge lift for my spirits.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm really enjoying the results of the electrolysis I've had done (ouch! - at my last 3 hour appointment I felt every hair being treated and it felt like a bee was stinging me for each one). Even when I am dressed in male mode, I'm looking much more feminine. Others are tending to perceive me as more feminine, too, even dressed as a male. I know Danya is coming through.

Like when I stopped, on the way home from work, at the store to pick up my prescription sunglasses. The woman helping me was someone I hadn't seen there before. Either the woman who had helped me choose the frames had made a note on my card (I had told her I was close to transitioning) or this new person was seeing me as more female than male. Either way, what happened there made me very happy.

All of the store employees were women and they were clearly including me in their conversation about a female client who had just left the store before I entered. There had been a former high school classmate who had been practically stalking this poor woman. He even rapped his fist on the store window to get her attention and then came into the store to pester her. Her husband was waiting for her in the car but had his head buried in a newspaper. The woman was looking desperate. One of the workers tried to help by suggesting, within hearing of the stalker, that if her husband needed glasses he should come in the store. The stalker didn't get the hint. When the woman left, she ran to the car and the guy finally took off. It was the way they spoke to me and things they said that let me know I was being looked at as one of the women. Even though I was dressed as a man.

I was even more certain I was being treated as one of the women when the woman helping me got out the glass case to go with the new sunglasses. She said something like "Honey, you'll need to get a new bag for these, the case is so large." Keep in mind that frames at this store are considered unisex. There is no separation of the shop into men's and women's glasses.

[Danya (imported)]

This was posted by Joanne-f on another thread of mine, but I want to make my response part of this transition thread. Joanne is referring here to May 19, my first day at work as Danya.

"I hope it all goes well. It will be a big day for you so I hope everything runs smoothly. Do you know what you're hoping for? Will it be good if it's just everyone carrying on as normal at your work, or do you expect/hope that people might ask you questions for their clarification?"

I suspect it will go well after I get over the initial hurdle of walking into work in front of lots of employees who know me. I haven't had any problems going out in public as Danya and even my very first experience was in the crowded mall where I spent over 2 1/2 hours. I had a tremendous sense of freedom and happiness in that first excursion. I still feel this way when I go out dressed.

I'm finding there are other emotional issues coming up as transition day approaches. Like 'this is really it, can I handle it?' From what I read this is a common reaction. There's much more involved than simply appearing at work as Danya. There's the real issue of giving up 'male privilege'. I'm not certain I ever took much advantage of this but I'm fairly certain I'll notice it's absence.

In addition, and I've been working on this one for a while already, there's gradually giving up my male identity. Even though it's an identity I don't want, I spent years perfecting it to fit in. It's been an uncomfortable and very confining identity emotionally, and ultimately not at all fulfilling, but I'm used to it. The new happiness I've found helps me deal with releasing this male identity. OTOH, I by no means want to entirely let go of my past and the good parts.

I just read online somewhere that no matter how well prepared you are, it's not easy crossing the gender divide. As transition day approaches, I have some anxiety about this very major life change. In a way, I feel like I'm approaching a cliff and at some point I won't be able to turn back. It will be either sink or swim (maybe that should be fall to earth or fly ) - I will swim but it's still a bit scary. I'm confident that I can keep my anxiety from getting the better of me through support from people here on the Archive, from local friends and from my gender therapist.

All the 30 people I'm 'out' to at work have been very supportive, as has management up to the highest levels of the corporation. I'm hoping that on my first day at work as Maren, people will feel comfortable saying hello and smiling at me. I don't think I'll have any problem greeting other employees with a friendly smile. I've read in a few places that co-workers may have a bouquet waiting on the transitioning employee's desk. That would make be really happy. I'd probably start to cry but I'll need to manage that reaction at work. A few tears are fine, but outright sobbing probably isn't good for my professional reputation.

The thing is, management is doing a whole lot to prepare folks for my transition. This Friday, I'll meet with upper management to start planning for this day. It sounds like we'll bring in an outside expert for a meeting with interested/concerned employees. We'll have books and informational pamphlets available in Human Resources that employees can borrow. There's talk of a FAQ section on transgenderism and transsexualism on the company intranet.

A week before the big day, I expect upper management will send an email to everyone in the corporation announcing what will happen, that they fully back me, that I'm a valuable employee, that co-workers can continue to expect quality results from me, that I should be treated with respect, what my name will be and pronouns to use (and that I won't get at all upset if someone messes up here).

I've spoken to my boss about working from home the week before the big day. This will give employees a break from seeing me and perhaps make my arrival as Danya a little less surprising. On transition day, I will dress in slacks and somewhat androgynously to make this even easier. Truth is, I'd love to go in my first day in a nice dress but that would be too jarring. Besides, I'd probably be one of the best dressed women in the building - seriously. This isn't good on the first day at all. Maybe in 4 - 6 months I can start wearing some dresses.

The Senior VP of my division asked if I'd be comfortable with people asking me questions. I'm totally comfortable with this and would welcome appropriate questions. There will be other employees with questions who will want to talk with a neutral party like someone in HR.

In short (too late for that, I know) , I expect many folks will just continue on as if it's a normal day and that's a good thing. Most people never spend much time thinking about gender at all and relative to what's going on in their own lives, my transitioning is a very minor matter. The purpose of the transition team is to make the whole thing minimally disruptive while offering clear support for what I'm doing. I expect some initial interest that will gradually subside.

[joanne-f (imported)]

I think it's great that your place of work is getting behind your transition. All the best for it.

Male privilege? I'll quite happily give that up

[Danya (imported)]

I was crying when I called a friend on the Archive to share this. I hadn't heard anything from my Texas brother and his wife despite a number of emails. They did respond to the last one. My sister-in-law said she'd been waiting to have the time to write a thoughtful response but was still really busy.

Even though I'd suggested they could call me by an androgynous form of my legal name, she addressed me as 'Danya' and said of course they still loved and supported me.

I'd resigned myself to never hearing from them and was OK with that. Having their love and support reaffirmed, with the use of my new name even, is a much better situation. I feel extremely lucky here, considering the experiences of others with family rejection and my rejection by my California brother.

I'm still in tears over this great news, I'm just really moved by it. And I couldn't wait to share this here.

-Danya

[joanne-f (imported)]

Congrats It's good to know some of your family are behind you. This must feel really good after your brother in California's response.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm going to find a therapist and physician outside my current gender clinics. I made this decision largely because of monetary issues. My insurance carrier pays little of the costs of the university program as it is considered out-of-network. This leaves me with a hefty monthly bill for my therapist. Then there's the committee that meets monthly to discuss my case. I'm also charged for that, of course. In addition, there's no clear plan for what will be required in the future as far as additional consultations with a university psychiatrist, further psychological testing, etc. I was surprised last month when told I'd need to take two additional psychological tests, one of which should have been given to me when I started the program in early November of last year.

I've had some frustrations with the program at the U, but it was a still a tough decision to leave. I really like my gender therapist and I'm extremely comfortable with her. I also feel like I'm leaving the safety of an internationally known program for the unknowns of a private therapist and physician. I already have those professionals lined up and I'll first see my new therapist the first Wednesday of May.

[Danya (imported)]

The thought of changing therapists is bothering me more than I thought it would. It's like I need a firm anchor when I'm 2 1/2 weeks from transitioning at work and instead I feel like I'm adrift at sea. Anyway, which therapist I'm seeing might not make a difference. I'm basically feeling pretty alone right now with no one to talk with who has been through this. I feel like I'm about to go off on my own into a strange new wilderness with no paths, no directions and no companion to comfort me along the way. Just looming trees overhead and darkness below. Seems like everyone else going through this has just sailed right on through with no effort at all. I know that's not true, but that's what I'm feeling.

At the local TG support group, next to the leader I'm the most 'out' and vocal person. I've had no problem being entirely open about who I am and where I'm going. The other members don't say much at all. So, this group never seemed to provide any support for me. OTOH, I didn't really feel that I needed any. Things were going great! When I'm being myself I'm fine.

It's been typical for me to feel a lot of anxiety before major life transitions. Things like moving, changing jobs and going back to school have always produced the kinds of feelings I'm experiencing now. I absolutely hate feeling this way! Somehow I thought this time would be different although this transition is perhaps more major than any other I've experienced.

I've read that the anticipation of transitioning is much worse than the actual start of transition. I've never done well sitting around waiting for things to happen. The wait is really getting to me.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm feeling a lot better this morning. Still a bit anxious but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I'm going to exercise before going to work which should help things even more. I haven't been exercising lately. Even though I know it always reduces my stress level and I feel terrific afterwards, I've been finding excuses not to exercise.

I need to be realistic and accept that I will have some anxiety before transition day and that it's OK. That doesn't mean there's nothing I can do about it. Before the big day, I can continue things like exercising and going out and having fun to keep me grounded.

[mrt (imported)]

I found that writing things down helps me when life is making big changes. I also think that from a medical view putting together a 3 ring book of stuff concerning your care is good. Be SURE to get medical records from the U and add that. Anyone you see will want to get copies and you will want that so they don't duplicate things. Letters from the therapist stating where you were at when you transfered is of value in any case.

One general suggestion about Doctors Visits. I bring a written list of questions (One for the doc and one for me) and I insist that we spend a little time going over that and I write down what the doctor says. This is GREAT to avoid things like you mentioned. Missing tests etc. What tests do I need? WHEN? What happens next? Be specific, be polite and be happy!

At least one doctor said that my collecting this stuff was a good idea and showed I was educated about what I was doing, what I wanted in terms of health care and so on.

I found that without the written list of questions I ALWAYS came home with lots of unresolved questions... Very unsatisfactory.

Re: Dates. Everything moves sooooo slow.... But remember a watched pot never boils so DO get out and do other stuff. Maybe take up a new hobby or get a Cat, Dog etc. Taking care of a pet can really take your mind off your own problems. Plus my pets reduce my BP so nicely..... prrrrrrrr......

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

What is it going to be like on your first day at work? What arranements has your employer agreed to and what if any restrictions will be placed on you? Will you be accepted as just another one of the women? And what about the restroom - will you be permitted to use the women's room and will the other womwn accept you there?

Who do you expect to give the most trouble and be the least accepting - the women, the men or your employeer - and in what ways?

There will probably be other issues to face also. Are you excited or apprensive about that first day?

Best wishes for success on your big day!