Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Now my sexuality is completely spun around and I just assume that I am attracted to people, not particularly to a specific gender.

Your comment explains how I feel exactly! At least attraction on an emotional level and that's the most important part of me.

[Danya (imported)]

Today, a female coworker greeted me at an off-site conference with 'Hey, freak'. A former coworker of hers was present when she said this. When she made the remark, I was feeling really calm, as I have for the last month or two. So I wasn't really bothered. I simply responded "I don't think so.".

The thing is, this woman and I almost always get along very well. She has been extremely supportive and wrote me a very sensitive, caring note when she learned of my upcoming transition. Several months ago, she even gave me a leather dress she used to use when she went out to clubs. Once she married, she had no need for the dress. If I lose about 8 pounds I might fit into it!

She often makes what I consider outlandish comments about her own husband, whom she seems to adore. So when I heard 'Hey, freak' I wasn't thinking she meant this as a judgement. It was more like the phrases she uses when joking about her spouse. Her sense of humor is definitely edgy.

She is chronically short on sleep, having a 2-month old old son at home. There are a number of reasons, then, why I could see her slipping up and saying something she really doesn't mean.

Now I wonder if I should briefly mention to her that, while I know she meant no offense by it, I did not consider her remark at all funny. If I wanted, I could report this to human resources and they would have her in for a little chat to ensure that this would not happen again. I really don't think that is needed here and besides, I always prefer to try to deal with problems directly with the 'offender' myself before resorting to other solutions.

I will probably let this slide since I doubt she intentionally meant to be hurtful. Besides, I do not want to get in the habit of taking my situation too seriously. Now, though, I will be prepared with a better response should she say something similar again.

[twaddler (imported)]

Regardless of whether she meant offense by it I would consider that insulting and would have smacked her upside her head with my opinion right there. :/ For me being called freak is one of the things I do NOT tolerate and go off.

[Danya (imported)]

Regardless of whether she meant offense by it I would consider that insulting and would have smacked her upside her head with my opinion right there. :/ For me being called freak is one of the things I do NOT tolerate and go off.

Hi tanglog,

I agree with you and I will talk with her about it tomorrow. I was hoping for some feedback and I appreciate your response.

This is the first time this sort of thing has happened to me and I simply wasn't prepared. I am now and won't let that kind of remark go unchallenged again.

Thanks for writing.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

I heard Bill Cosby say something about Black people saying "Hey Niger" and how offended it was that any black person would use this term as regular conversation.

I would simply tell her that your right in the middle of some serious changes and that there are some dense people who really DO call people Freak and mean it.

[gpb3aol (imported)]

Hi Danya,

I agree with MrT more than the others, maybe this is a two strikes and your out situation. I'd let it ride, and if it happened again then chat with her, and deicide if more action is needed.

Just my thoughts.

Love Pauline.

[Danya (imported)]

I would simply tell her that your right in the middle of some serious changes and that there are some dense people who r

eally DO call people Freak and mean it.

Hi Danya,

I agree with MrT more than the others, maybe this is a two strikes and your out situation. I'd let it ride, and if it happened again then ch

at with her, and deicide if more action is needed.

Love Pauline.

Dear MrT and Pauline,

I appreciate your input, as always. Turns out the young woman apologized on her own today. She realized she was out of line, admitted to being insensitive and apologized profusely.

Problem solved.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I have spent the last few days at an off-site conference held at the college where I got my undergraduate degree. When I was a student there, I thought it was practically heaven on earth. Silly me! This is a school associated with a fairly liberal mainline Christian faith. When I attended, I was hard at work convincing myself I was straight.

Over a year ago, I attended a dinner at the college sponsored by the student GLBT group. There was no such group when I was a student and they are a relatively new organization on campus. It was an enjoyable evening but some of what I learned that night was very disturbing. An alumna who is now a professor at a college in Iowa was the main speaker. Turns out she was one of the very first students to be out as gay while at college. Not only that, she actively pushed for GLBT rights. This was in the 1990s! This woman thinks that it was only the fact that both her parents were faculty members at the college that enabled her to get away with pushing things so far. She was able to get the college to change some policies.

She was an excellent speaker. Turns out that when I attended (I graduated way back in 1973), there were students thrown out of school simply for admitting to a coach, for instance, a gay orientation. What really bothered me, though, was that this kind of thing happened fairly regularly even into the 1990s. The current college president said a few words a the end of the evening about how far the college had come. As I will explain in a little bit, they still have a long way to go.

What I found recently on the college web site shows a great deal of ignorance about transgender people. The dean says they have never had a trans student. Yeah, right! This school has existed since the late 1800s and they have never had a trans student of any type.

I am including here part of what I found on the college web site on this issue. I am leaving out the name of the college and the dean. I have thrown in some editorial comments in bold, italicized print. (I am very angry as I write this, as you may notice! ) The rest of the text is right from the school web site.

"Although the XYZ College Non-Discrimination Policy does not include gender identity/expression, Dean ABC has thought about trans inclusion on campus. [How very, uh, thoughtful of him!] While it has been difficult to focus on policy because no specific students have brought issues of trans inclusion to administration [Does this dean suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder so that he needs a trans student to help him focus?], ABC has thought about it in the context of future planning, since "it's going to be an issue for a current or prospective student at some point." He says it is hard to make a case for broad changes, such as amending the Non-Discrimination Clause, when the specific need has not been presented. [I suspect any student with a trans identity of any sort may be too afraid to say anything. Besides, there are many examples of other colleges and corporations that include protections for gender identity and expression. Why not demonstrate to prospective students that the college wants to attract a truly diverse student body? Perhaps they don't want that at all.] While he understands that the school cannot solve every problem a trans student might have, he is confident that a trans student would not be at risk or discriminated against for bringing such concerns to his office or the Residence Life office. [What would be the risk outside his office???]

...Should amending the clause to include gender identity/expression come up, the decision would rest with the President of the College and his or her Cabinet and Board. The ability of such an amendment to pass would depend, for the most part, on the support and acceptance of the President...

Church-affiliated colleges tend to follow XYZ's example in adopting inclusive/progressive policies. Because church affiliation can mean that members of administration have strong faith-based opinions regarding issues of gender and sexuality, colleges may be wary of causing controversy. Were XYZ to adopt gender identity/expression under the protections of the Non-Discrimination Clause, other colleges might follow suit. [I certainly hope they would, but apparently my alma mater is less concerned about making a clear statement of welcome and support for all students than they are about setting a precedent that might be viewed as controversial]"

I am really angry about this and I felt uncomfortable during the time I spent on campus this week. I will contact the college about this issue when I can produce a calm, well-reasoned yet assertive letter.

[Danya (imported)]

I visited the web sites of the two other post-secondary schools I attended. One is in a rather liberal northeastern state. The other is in the Deep South. Neither is associated with a church. Both have policies welcoming trans students.

The northeastern university has an office for social justice that works with GLBT persons. They offer extensive TG resources. When I legally change my name, this school will go as far as modifying my transcripts and diploma to show my new name.

The other university has an official welcome page for TG students with a list of resources.

How can a school that promotes itself as having a Christian mission (my undergraduate college which has a reputation of being towards the liberal end of things) be less accepting of human diversity than secular schools? I know how churches and church-related organizations can justify their stance on GLBT issues. I don't agree with their arguments. On an emotional level, I find their justifications appalling.

[mrt (imported)]

I blurted this out once and someone said it was good.

I have a really hard time seeing Jesus say, "Fuck you! Your gay." John Lennon said once that he thought Jesus was cool it was just some of his followers that were "thick" (Stupid)

And I think the Bible is filled with this. He tries over and over to get across the simple message that its about LOVE. God IS Love. How many times did his followers get it wrong or fall asleep when the good stuff was going to happen?

I mean when you have all this hate your neighbor stuff? Your just not getting it. Think of the few times that Jesus was surprised (Impressed?) Like the Faith of the Roman Soldier that he could cure his man without being there. Or the non Jewish lady who said even dogs can eat crumbs from under the table etc. I guess what I'm saying is don't be surprised when others don't "get it" but DO INSIST!

And as to the TG vrs GLBT thing? I dunno... The guy from the 700 club said that he was ok with TS people. He thought it was "medical" and that anyone who was worried what God thought should quit worrying. Its not a sin.

Re: the female / female thing. I assume you know that your going through puberty again? *Remember I've been there and done that. Its just puberty of your new "assigned" gender and what 12 or 13 year old girl didn't have a crush on a female friend? I'm NOT saying its impossible or even wrong that you might be a lesbian but I think its almost assured that your going to have many (all?) the experience a girl has as she becomes a woman and having raised two girls (One Hetro the other too young still to know) girlhood same sex "crushes" are normal.

What I think is different is the sort of relationship you will want for a lifetime partner and what keeps you awake at night sexually going "hummmmm..."



Anyway, have fun and enjoy this ride. Your truly going where no man has (can) go...

- MrT

[Danya (imported)]

And I think the Bible is filled with this. He tries over and over to get across the simple message that its about LOVE. God IS Love.

I agree completely, MrT. In my view, one of the core messages of the Gospels is: "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."

I guess what I'm saying is don't be surprised when others don't "get it" but DO INSIST!

I will 'insist' when I contact my undergraduate college about their failure to include TG protections in their non-discrimination statement. Before I do this, I want to find the most effective channels for being heard by the most people. I will probably contact the Dean's office first and then the college president. I will also contact the school's GLBT student group and may write an editorial for the school newspaper. I expect to at least get a response from school officials since they take alumni relationships very seriously. Whatever I end up doing is unlikely to have a serious impact on college policy. I think at the least some students may feel they have a spokesperson and that they are not alone.

And as to the TG vrs GLBT thing? I dunno... The guy from the 700 club said that he was ok with TS people. He thought it was "medical" and that anyone who was worried what God thought should quit worrying. Its not a sin.

Using the 700 Club argument is unlikely to give me any advantage with this school, but I can try.

Re: the female / female thing. I assume you know that your going through puberty again?

Yes.....

*Remember I've been there and done that. Its just puberty of your new "assigned" gender and what 12 or 13 year old girl didn't have a crush on a female friend? I'm NOT saying its impossible or even wrong that you might be a lesbian but I think its almost assured that your going to have many (all?) the experience a girl has as she becomes a woman and having raised two girls (One Hetro the other too young still to know) girlhood same sex "crushes" are normal.

What I think is different is the sort of relationship you will want for a lifetime partner and what keeps you awake at night sexually going "hummmmm..."

- MrT

Not having any sisters, I really have no clue as to what puberty is like for a typical female child. So I really appreciate the information you provided here.

BTW, I am meeting my 'crushee' (?), the consultant friend whom I've had the crush over, next week for dinner and an evening out. I think I'll be able to control myself!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Two good things happened today.

1. I delivered my legal name change application to the county court house. After the county sheriff's office does a criminal background check, and assuming I come out clean , the court will send me a letter with the hearing date. I will need to take two witnesses with me to the hearing. They must have known me for at least a year and be willing to state that I am of sound mind (many here might dispute that! ), that I am not trying to get out of debt payments, that I am not hiding out from the cops and so on.

After the name change is effective (this shouldn't take more than a month), my HRT physician will write a letter to the state saying that I am a transitioning female on estrogen. The state will inform the driver's license folks who will then not only change my name but also by gender on a new license. I'll also have a much nicer picture on my new license! At least I can hope for that.

I was so happy to have gotten the ball rolling on this that I was whistling as I left the county government building. Then I stopped to wonder if whistling is a typical female activity. After a few seconds' thought, I concluded 'the hell with it'. I enjoy whistling and will continue to do so whether or not it is considered a feminine characteristic. The idea with transitioning is to become more fully myself, not to fit into anyone's image of how a female acts.

2. I have been stressed out lately because of uncertainty about my job security. I am realistic about this. There really is no security in any job or anything else in life for that matter. I was laid off in my early 30s so I know what that feels like.

What was causing me stress now is the fact that I am in the process of transitioning during a time of uncertain direction for my company. There have been some layoffs, too. My job responsibilities are becoming less clear. If I were to be laid off, I know it is often very difficult for a transitioning woman to find new employment.

I spoke with my terrific boss about this early today. He understands the issues for transitioning TG workers. His response was essentially I need have no worries at all about retaining my position, everyone still loves my work, there will be more than enough for me to do and so on. I know he cannot guarantee anything but I now feel I can let go of my fears about my job.

Even if I knew there was some likelihood of my being laid off, I would continue transitioning. My life is so different now and much better than when I was male. I'm not at all sure how I would pay for things without a steady income, but I'd find a solution.

[JesusA]

I was so happy to have gotten the ball rolling on this that I was whistling as I left the county government building. Then I stopped to wonder if whistling is a typical female activity. After a few seconds' thought, I concluded 'the hell with it'. I enjoy whistling and will continue to do so whether or not it is considered a feminine characteristic. The idea with transitioning is to become my fully myself, not to fit into anyone's image of how a female acts.

Well, there's always the proverb

Whistling girls and crowing hens

Always come to some bad ends.

It gets cited in Wolfgang Meider's Dictionary of American Proverbs, where it is listed with wide distribution across the U.S. and Canada. Meider's earliest citation, though, is from Kelly's Scottish Proverbs, published in 1721.

It would take too long to go through each of the 24 volumes of Proverbium: The Yearbook of International Proverb Scholarship that's sitting on my shelves to see if there's been a scholarly article on it in the major journal in the field.

I think that sexism has receded sufficiently, though, for this to no longer be a problem. More women whistling in public may be the answer.

[mrt (imported)]

I wish I was better with Scripture but the gist of one part of the Bible were these "religion experts" trying their best to trip up Jesus by asking complicated questions about what was allowed and how this one of God's laws was connected to each other *The idea being (my opinion) to trick him into contradicting himself or God. Anyway he said (I'm not quoting)

Look dummies... Let me make it simple.

First rule Love God with all your heart.

Second rule Love everyone else the same way.

Got it?

Ok, as I type this I'm worried that some day I'll be facing God and there will this note in the book of life.... "Look dummies????" That is of course NOT what Jesus said I'm ahh... trying to make a point. And don't remember the exact words. I'm sure someone can Google it.

Platonic crushes over women are normal for guys devoted to their wives as well. No, don't bring up Dr M... I adore a number of women (Yourself included of course) but its not the same as the way I feel about Mrs T. Ie the hot and sweaty wow when I get home are you ever going to be worn out stuff... Some people are just "nifty" and you just become a "fan" I think... Celebs get that a lot I think. Which is probably why some that have good relationships are doing it with people who don't know they are someone important.

[Danya (imported)]

Well, there's always the proverb

Whistling girls and crowing hens

Always come to some bad ends.

I think that sexism has receded sufficiently, though, for this to no longer be a problem. More women whistling in public may be the answer.

I wasn't going to respond to this tonight because it is late and I am tired. Despite my best intentions to head to bed, I couldn't let this drop because I found it so funny.

So I did a web search on whistling women and came up with a number of variations on the evils of whistling females. Of course, I have no clue if my single, one-page source (http://www.everything2.org/e2node/A%252 ... 2520to%252 0no%2520good) is nearly as reliable as Jesus' 24-volume set of scholarly musings. The author of the web page I found apparently goes my the name 'icicle'. Doesn't sound very authoritative, but hey, you never know. I found the following two variations on the whistling woman theme very funny.

"A whistling woman and a crowing hen, Will frighten the Devil out of his den." and " A whistling woman and a crowing hen, Are neither good for God nor men'. Icicle claims both of these were used in 18th century London.

What I found so interesting this morning is the fact that I was stopped in the middle of whistling by the thought that making non-verbal sounds through my contorted lips might, indeed, be viewed as masculine behavior. Icicle has some interesting ideas on why whistling has come to be viewed as something women just shouldn't do.

The following is from the same URL I reference above:

I started thinking about an old theatre superstition: never whistle in a theatre this one goes back to the 17th century in London when sailors often ran the ropes and rigging in theaters when they got sick of the sea. Sailors used whistles to alert each other of falling objects. So whistling in a theatre could have caused chaos and delayed the opening by breaking the set.

Since sailors whistle, perhaps it was seen as a "carefree and loose" (like sailors) -- these have never been socially acceptable traits for a woman (especially a woman who is in your home, as opposed to one who's in your motel...)

Whistling is also fairly "lower class" -poor men had nothing to play song on so they used the mouth-flute of the whistle to make their songs.

Maybe it is the kiss-like puckering of the whistle. (are whistles seductive?")

When Hens Begin To Crow is the title of a study by Sylvia Tamale of gender and politics in Uganda. In fact it seems that many feminists have taken up the cause of reversing the whistling metaphor. In Uganda and in the American South crowing hens must be killed right away or they will bring bad luck. Is the proverb sexist?

Maybe women are meant to hum? (humming men always seemed suspicious to me)

Even after reading everything I could find on the subject I still don't know why whistling is thought of as masculine. But I hope I've at least opened a few doors so that we can solve this mystery.

[plix (imported)]

From what you have said, it sounds like the school you are discussing is a private school. Private schools have much more discretion in who they will accept and will not accept than public schools do. But even public schools can sometimes be behind. My own college, which is a state university, does not include trans people in its non-discrimination statement. This is Southern California we are talking about. Of course, the CSU system is known for being more conservative than the UC system, and I don't believe the majority of CSU campuses include trans people in their statements.

When I was in my own transitioning phase and at my former school, also a CSU school, I did not appreciate the way I was treated by school housing (this was when I lived in the dorms). The housing director did not say so directly, but her choice of words basically implied that I should consider myself very lucky that they were willing to consider allowing me to live with female students because they had consulted the school lawyer and were supposedly told that the law says genitalia is what determines gender. This was clearly false because state law specfically prohibits discrimination because of gender identity or expression in public housing. My suspicions are that they knew very well what the law really says, but they were hoping that I would believe them so I wouldn't use it against them if they decided to break it later on.

Just wanted to point out a few things about communities using words with one another that are or were at one time considered to be negative if used by members outside the community. The word "nigger," as mrt mentioned, is one example. Blacks now regularly use this word with one another, and it is considered acceptable to use if you are a member of the community, or black.

Another example is "queer" in regards to the gay community. Queer was once considered a terrible word to use to refer to a gay person, yet members of the gay community now use it all the time when referring to themselves and one another (this is in contrast to "nigger," which I don't believe is commonly used by blacks to refer to themselves - only other blacks).

For the trans community, there is "tranny." This too was once considered a "bad word" to use when referring to a trans person. Now, however, trans people use it to refer to themselves and other trans people all the time.

"Queer" has now been "reclaimed" by the gay community (this is usually the justification I hear for communities using former hate words with one another), but I have always wondered when "fag" and "faggot" are going to be reclaimed. Surely there can't be any more problem with this word than any others? When will the time come? Or has it started already and I am just not aware of it?

With all of these words, it is OK to use them to refer to yourself or another member of the community if you are part of the community. If you are not part of it, then it is considered offensive to refer to someone with those words. "Queer" may be an exception - I think pretty much anyone can use that now if meant in a positive way. But "tranny" is generally still considered offensive if used by a non-trans person, and "nigger" is definitely offensive if used by a non-black (though I'm sure this varies in different parts of the country. In my part, you'd probably be killed if you called a black that word, but in parts such as the South, it probably happens more often).

OK, back to the thread I am glad to hear that your name change continues to move forward. I think things will work out with your job. It sounds like your co-workers and superiors are really supportive of you and don't want to lose you. But if anything did happen, in an area as trans-friendly as where you live, you will definitely be able to find something else.

[Danya (imported)]

I wish I was better with Scripture but the gist of one part of the Bible were these "religion experts" trying their best to trip up Jesus by asking complicated questions about what was allowed and how this one of God's laws was connected to each other *The idea being (my opinion) to trick him into contradicting himself or God.

You may be thinking of the Pharisees' displeasure with Jesus over his healing of the sick on the Sabbath and Jesus' responses. They considered healing to be work, something forbidden on the Sabbath.

Platonic crushes over women are normal for guys devoted to their wives as well. No, don't bring up Dr M... I adore a number of women (Yourself included of course)

You are very sweet, MrT, and your friendship is important to me.

but its not the same as the way I feel about Mrs T. Ie the hot and sweaty wow when I get home are you ever going to be worn out stuff...

I know how much you love Mrs T and I think you are very fortunate to have such a good relationship.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

From what you have said, it sounds like the school you are discussing is a private school. Private schools have much more discretion in who they will accept and will not accept than public schools do. But even public schools can sometimes be behind.

Yes, my undergraduate college is a private school. They can use that status to exclude certain minority students. Whether the college, today, actively seeks to exclude certain minorites is something I don't know. For years they have sought to increase the diversity of the student body. As I stated, they are associated with one of the more liberal churches. The fact that they promote themselves as a church college, state they seek a diverse student body and yet are so ignorant of certain minority issues is what bothers me.

When I was in my own transitioning phase and at my former school, also a CSU school, I did not appreciate the way I was treated by school housing (this was when I lived in the dorms). The housing director did not say so directly, but her choice of words basically implied that I should consider myself very lucky that they were willing to consider allowing me to live with female students because they had consulted the school lawyer and were supposedly told that the law says genitalia is what determines gender. This was clearly false because state law specfically prohibits discrimination because of gender identity or expression in public housing. My suspicions are that they knew very well what the law really says, but they were hoping that I would believe them so I wouldn't use it against them if they decided to break it later on.

Discrimination against trans-identified people is pervasive in this country. This is why I feel a need to take some positive action by contacting my alma mater to express my opinion. Even if that has no discernible affect, I will feel good knowing I have taken a stand.

Just wanted to point out a few things about communities using words with one another that are or were at one time considered to be negative if used by members outside the community. The word "nigger," as mrt mentioned, is one example. Blacks now regularly use this word with one another, and it is considered acceptable to use if you are a member of the community, or black.

Another example is "queer" in regards to the gay community. Queer was once considered a terrible word to use to refer to a gay person, yet members of the gay community now use it all the time when referring to themselves and one another (this is in contrast to "nigger," which I don't believe is commonly used by blacks to refer to themselves - only other blacks).

In my part of the country, many older gay folks have never felt comfortable with the use of 'queer' within the gay community. They have too many bad associations with the word. Younger gay people here tend to be much more comfortable with the 'queer' label.

For the trans community, there is "tranny." This too was once considered a "bad word" to use when referring to a trans person. Now, however, trans people use it to refer to themselves and other trans people all the time.

I have never heard a trans person use 'tranny' but I do know this is used. Perhaps in your state this is now acceptable but not here. Or maybe I simply haven't been around enough trans people long enough to notice it.

I can't see myself ever using 'tranny' to describe myself or another trans person. I view myself as a transitioning woman and, ultimately, simply a woman. I know I would feel insulted by anyone, regardless of their gender identification, calling me a tranny. That is not my identity. Woman is.

OK, back to the thread I am glad to hear that your name change continues to move forward. I think things will work out with your job. It sounds like your co-workers and superiors are really supportive of you and don't want to lose you. But if anything did happen, in an area as trans-friendly as where you live, you will definitely be able to find something else.

Yes, my friend, everyone continues to be very supportive on the job. Should I lose my job, there is something unrelated to my transitioning status that could make it more difficult for me to find a similar position. That is my age.

I appreciate your thoughtful comments, plix, as always!

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Its a curious place we live in that allows us to say all manner of offensive things freely. One can imagine that a creep like Adolf Hitler would be free to rant and rave his hate freely were he born here. The nice thing is that we as free people can reply with our own opinions of how stupid we think this type of thing is.

I think Bill Cosby said that he was bothered by how young people so easily used offensive words to describe each other and I agree with him. Is it cool to calmly put down people by calling them things that are "offensive"? Sure just as its cool to smoke and get crazy hair cuts and anything else that bothers "authority" I think its a waste of some serious energy myself but now we are way off track and I'm starting to sound SOooo old and square.

[Danya (imported)]

I am worn out physically and emotionally, so I am going to make an effort not to post anything for a week. Work is very stressful and although I am handling this better now that I am on estrogen, it is still draining.

What I need is to get away for a long weekend, at a minimum. Right now that is not possible. By late September, though, I hope to take a three-day 'holiday' in the far north woods. Preferably in a place with no phone and no TV.

I feel that my life is becoming too busy and complicated. Most of the time, I enjoy keeping busy. Now, though, I think I have overdone it. So I need to step back, relax and simply be.

[Mac (imported)]

I am worn out physically and emotionally, so I am going to make an effort not to post anything for a week. Work is very stressful and although I am handling this better now that I am on estrogen, it is still draining.

What I need is to get away for a long weekend, at a minimum. ......

.Yes! Get away and enjoy just being a girl!!!

[Danya (imported)]

I hadn't intended to post for at least a week because of the way I had been feeling over the weekend. At that time, I was still dealing with lingering asthma. My emotional state wasn't good either and I felt I needed a break to relax and get my bearings. Today I am back to normal. I continue to be surprised by how quickly I recover my equilibrium from emotional upsets since I transitioned.

What had been bothering me over the weekend was my impending legal name change. I submitted the application to the county court last Friday. Over the weekend, I was surprised by how sad I felt about the name change. I was even wondering for a time if I was making a mistake.

By Monday evening, I realized it is normal for me to feel sad at what is, after all, a major life change. The names we go by have a deeper significance than mere handles that others use to address us. I have gone by my male name for decades and even though my male identity never fit there is a lot of history associated with my male name. I need to grieve for this man and it doesn't matter that 'he' was never really me at all. He had his dreams, relationships, desires and so on. All that is changing now and this is good. Nonetheless, I have felt a real sense of loss as I more officially let go of my old life.

My history as someone living as a man includes most of my life and important people who have known me as male. I was married for 20 years, for instance. My ex-wife and I have been divorced since 1996 but our relationship covers roughly half of my adult life. It is important. My niece and nephew grew up knowing me as their uncle. I held both of them many times when they were infants and we have had fun times together over the years. There are many other examples of both good and bad times connected with my old name. All of those are important parts of my life.

I saw my gender therapist today.

In fact, I had moved our usual appointment to an earlier date because I was so upset over the weekend. By the time I saw her this morning, I already understood what was going on. I am allowing myself to grieve when I need that. Today, she simply confirmed that what I am feeling is totally normal and in no way indicates I am making a mistake in legally changing my name. By extension, then, I am also not making a mistake in transitioning. I continue to feel very happy and content about being a woman.

Some gender therapists say that it is necessary to deconstruct the male persona before the true female self can fully blossom. I think there is some truth to this, not that it means all the old is swept away and replaced by someone entirely new.

For many people starting transition between genders, though, the initial concept of what it is to be female is 'his' concept. For me this means that, starting out, my conception of what it is to be a woman is colored by male perceptions built up over decades as I tried to fit in as a man. This is what must I must let go of to fully become the woman I am.

There certainly can be major changes in hobbies, friends, etc. when a person is free at last to be one's true self. I won't be surprised if some of that happens for me. I also suspect,though, that my core values and essential personality will remain relatively unchanged.

[Danya (imported)]

I dressed very well for work today. Last week, I found a summer dress on sale at Penneys that I love. It has a beautiful, delicate and subdued but complex pattern of flowers and shapes. The colors create an earth tone effect. The material is also sheer and a black slip came with it. Today was perfect for wearing this new outfit to work. Conditions sunny and pleasant. I also wore off-black nylons (my favorite color in hose) and heels.

Several people, both in and out of the office, complimented me on how good I looked. What I most appreciated, though, was the look I got from a male coworker when I offered him a chocolate. First, a disclaimer: I had no ulterior motive in offering the chocolate. This man, who is very straight and married, hugged me several months ago when I met with him and another male coworker to announce my transgender status. Today, he very clearly gave me a lingering, appreciative glance as I stood by his desk while offering him a piece of candy. There was a quick, but obvious, look up and done my entire body. I know he is happily married and I am glad for him. I also was really glad for his obviously appreciative appraisal of me today. I made no mention of any of this to him, of course!

On a mundane issue, I have discovered I prefer L'Oreal nail polish to Maybelline! The finish is higher quality.

Tomorrow evening I am going for a makeover at the shop of a woman who has fully transitioned from male. My therapist recommended her. This morning, I mentioned the makeover to my therapist who said she already thought I was doing a fine job. Within the last week or so, I have started using eyeliner and applied color to my eyebrows to make them stand out. I also started making fuller use of makeup I have had sitting around largely untouched. I found, for instance, that I can very easily conceal discoloration under my eyes. This is a marvelous thing. All I hope to get tomorrow evening is some relaxation and perhaps some additional tips on how to more effectively use makeup.

[Danya (imported)]

About two months ago, I deleted the only email address my immediate family (two brothers, a sister-in-law and a niece and nephew) has used for contacting me. They didn't know about two other addresses. I also changed my unlisted phone number and did not let them know the new one.

It is entirely possible that they never discovered either of these things. I base that conclusion on the way we have communicated in the past. For the most part, if I haven't phoned or written them we could go up to 18 months without talking.

I made the decision today to send them my new email address that goes with my new name. I kept the note very simple, mentioning the obvious email change and telling them what my new legal name will be. I did not give them my new phone number but I did sign the note 'Much love'. I do love them but that does not mean we can have a relationship that is not hurtful. I will be hurt if they cannot 'regender' me as female after knowing me for decades as male. They will then also be hurt because I can never again be who they remember.

This morning, I had discussed this issue with my therapist because it has been on my mind lately. The thing is, I do not want to be in the position of being blamed for ending communicatons. In addition, they have a way to contact me if they wish if there is an emergency.

I considered sending them another book I found,

Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones, 2nd Edition (Paperback), that describes, in first person accounts, the reactions of loved ones and friends to transitioning persons. I haven't read the book, but it sounds good. At least some of those accounts are also supposed to describe how family and friends eventually came to accept their transgendered loved one.

My therapist's advice on this was that I have already provided them with resource information on several occasions. I have also let them know I understood how hard it can be for family members to understand and accept a transsexual relative. Sending yet more information would not likely change anything. I agree with her.

Sending the email was something I needed to do but it was not at all easy. I fear I will be hurt whether they respond or not. For those not familiar with my earlier posts, I was totally rejected in a hurtful way by one of my brothers when he found out I am TG. My other brother has never responded to the news I gave his family on my TG status in February of 2008. Instead, he relied on his wife who has given mixed signals. Initially, she sounded very supportive. Later on, things were much less clear and I sensed that not everyone in that part of the family was taking my news well. I stated this thought to them and got no response.

At that point, I gave them permission, through an email (they don't like to talk on the phone) to let go of me. I let them all know I am happy and they need not worry about me. I also recounted some of the fun times we have spent together and other significant shared events. The response to that was lukewarm at best but it promised a more sensitive, longer note. In two months, that never came. That in no way lessened my happiness or how well I have been doing since I transitioned.

What I have done, though, is to leave the possibility of a future, although changed, relationship open. I can never pretend to be someone I am not in order to have a relationship or for them to be comfortable. I will not tiptoe around issues in my life, either, in order to gain a poor semblance of a caring relationship.

As I stated in a much earlier post, my life is moving on and it is moving on without them. I am very fine with things as they are. My feeling, for now at least, is I hope they do not respond to the email I sent this evening. I have been happy continuing my life without their knowing what is going on. The truth is, they have given no real indication that they have wanted to know. Now, though, they can never say I cut off communications.

[mrt (imported)]

As time goes by the "new" is often less odd. I think for people our age the possibility that someone could change from male to female (or female to male) is pretty amazing. Medical and surgical changes have made it more complete but like everything new it takes time for people to get used to the idea. I think even some TS people pinch themselves for a while until it sets in.

I'm really happy for you on the name change. And I hope you don't get upset by anything your family says. Lets face it family headaches are so common in just ordinary life.