Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[mrt (imported)]

P.S. Now that I can dream again I often dream that I'm reading books. And I've tried to focus on the words in the books to see what they are and its very odd stuff....

[Danya (imported)]

When you went on Estrogen your reaction was relief and pure joy (Or so I gathered from your posts) which I take as being the correct mix for you.

Yes, MrT, my reaction to estrogen was relief and pure joy. That continues now, almost 6 months after I started estrogen therapy. You have to keep in mind that I had major depression most of my life. At times, I can still hardly believe I have reached this happy place in my life. More of the pieces fall into place as time goes by and I feel even more feminine and that is so right for me.

I wonder if the same type of treatment might be of value to people who are borderline GID? If their need for transition is repressed and they respond to HRT? Then the therapy can continue with a renewed vigor because the therapist/doctor will be able to conclude they are truly on the right track.

Don't we live in interesting times?

I think you are on to something,

going from my own experience. It was only when I started an anti-androgen a year ago that I started to pick up on clear female feelings and reactions to people. Everything did not fall into place immediately, but there were clues there.

There is another clue from my childhood which I have not mentioned on this site before. When I was a teen, the time came when I needed to shave my upper lip. I called my mother into my bedroom one night when I was sobbing. I was distraught about my new facial hair and did not want it.

I know this happened but it only came back to me tonight as I was speaking with a number of trans folks.

I agree with you on 'interesting times'. I was just writing an email to another friend about the strange and wonderful adventure I am on.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Yes, MrT, my reaction to estrogen was relief and pure joy. That continues now, almost 6 months after I started estrogen therapy. You have to keep in mind that I had major depression most of my life. At times, I can still hardly believe I have reached this happy place in my life. More of the pieces fall into place as time goes by and I feel even more feminine and that is so right for me.

220748600]
I think you are on to something,

going from my own experience. It was only when I started an anti-androgen a year ago that I started to pick up on clear female feelings and reactions to people. Everything did not fall into place immediately, but there were clues there.

There is another clue from my childhood which I have not mentioned on this site before. When I was a teen, the time came when I needed to shave my upper lip. I called my mother into my bedroom one night when I was sobbing. I was distraught about my new facial hair and did not want it.

I know this happened but it only came back to me tonight as I was speaking with a number of trans folks.

I agree with you on 'interesting times'. I was just writing an email to another friend about the s
[/quote]
trange and wonderful adventure I am on.

Hugs,

Danya

I once told my doctor that she was part science and part detective. The detective part makes me ponder how using tools like Estrogen and some extensive Q&A might make the journey for folks like you more science and less dramatic. I mean its "seems" simple that you got from where you were to where you are but I know that its been anything but easy. I feel that way about my trials with finding help for my hormone and orchialgia issues. It was damn hard to get that squared away "then" but now it seems much more straightforward.

Anyway, I'm glad to know you and have played a small part in all this. I'm so glad that you still feel positive about your choices and that Estrogen still has a magic. I know that while I'm not keen on injections I feel very positive when I push in the plunger and I'm "good" for another week.

[Danya (imported)]

My very close lesbian friend and I went to dinner on Thanksgiving. Neither one of us has much money to spare right now and this restaurant is not inexpensive. There are a few occasions throughout the year, though, that we want to celebrate together over a very good meal.

Both of us had been scrimping in November to be sure we would have enough cash for Thanksgiving dinner. When my finances were better, I regularly treated my friend to dinner and trips to the movies. She has very little money but I enjoyed her company and it made me happy to take her along. I can no longer afford that.

As I drove her home, my friend said she had a confession to make. She feels like we are dating and has felt that way for several years. At the beginning, she thought this was because I always paid for everything. Now, even though we both pay our own way, the dating feeling remains for her.

This did not surprise me and I immediately told her that I was flattered. Although I am attracted to men for their bodies, I am discovering that I can have romantic feelings for women, too. Sexuality, like gender, tends to be fluid. Women, more so than men, tend to easily form romantic relationships with people of their own gender at any age.

Unless a man has identified as gay or bisexual at an early age, he is very unlikely to form a romantic relationship with another man once he reaches a certain age.

I do not know what may develop between my friend and me but I am open to possibilities I would have never considered before I transitioned.

[mrt (imported)]

I think its great that you have a romantic interest. I think if nothing else it has to be flattering to be wanted! That never hurts....

Do tread carefully however if you don't feel the same way. But if you do? Well you have someone thats not going to be full of drama and surprises because you have known each other for so long.

And love is such an important part of the whole sexual thing for most people. When the friendship, are secure first you can at least go forward with a little less unwanted drama.

[Danya (imported)]

I think its great that you have a romantic interest. I think if nothing else it has to be flattering to be wanted! That never hurts....

Do tread carefully however if you don't feel the same way. But if you do? Well you have someone thats not going to be full of drama and surprises because you have known each other for so long.

And love is such an important part of the whole sexual thing for most people. When the friendship, are secure first you can at least go forward with a little less unwanted drama.

Hi MrT,

I just want to be clear that I never told my friend I had a romantic interest in her, although I was totally honest when I told her I was flattered by her comment on 'dating'. Although I certainly did not close the door on a possible future romantic relationship, I doubt that I am ready for that with anyone. My life is changing rapidly and I do not want her to get hurt by this.

At the same time, we do love each other. I can imagine a future together even though we are very different in some ways. There are many other ways in which our interests match.

We would be an odd couple in some ways. I like to dress well and feel very feminine in nylons. The feel and freedom of dresses and skirts seem like one of the privileges that goes with being female. None of this interests my friend and that is totally OK by me. She does not even own a dress. I am not sure she has a purse, either.

Over the last month or so, the changes in my life have seemed to accelerate. I am at least partially discarding life-long interests and hobbies. Not because they were not fun but they were hobbies of my constructed male persona. That male person built to fit in with men so I could feel I belonged; that other person who was not genuinely me but had others (and myself) fooled for decades. I was not fooled all the time.

My newly emerging true female self now wants to explore and discover her own interests. Some of those may mesh with old ones. Others will be entirely new.

This process can be confusing to me because, in some ways, I am behaving like a teenage girl. My interests can fluctuate from day to day. At times it seems I just cannot make up my mind on what I want. I know I want 'something'.

I now question my educational and career choices because they seem out of sync with my true self. Right now, I have a strong dislike for my job. That's a big change because I used to look forward to getting into work. What does all this mean and can I, or should I, do anything about it? Perhaps my best hope is to start looking at what I do in a different way to make my job fun again. Then again, in a few years I may change careers.

My friend and I will always be close and I am very glad she is there. Perhaps something more will develop as time goes by.

[tugon (imported)]

This process can be confusing to me because, in some ways, I am behaving like a teenage girl. My interests can fluctuate from day to day. At times it seems I just cannot make up my mind on what I want. I know I want 'something'.

Redefining oneself is an interesting experience. After all I am not quite 11 years old as a eunuch. Remember it has not been that long ago that you started puberty as a female. Enjoy and learn from every stage of your metamorphosis.

[Danya (imported)]

Redefining oneself is an interesting experience. After all I am not quite 11 years old as a eunuch. Remember it has not been that long ago that you started puberty as a female. Enjoy and learn from every stage of your metamorphosis.

Tugon, my friend, I know you understand and I value that. You are absolutely correct. Sometimes I need to remember the 'enjoy' part. I am happy but I don't always have enough fun!

Another friend commented that I really am like a 13 year old in the body of a 56 year old. Sometimes, my body doesn't have the stamina to keep up with the desires of the young teen who often refuses to slow down. I am sure all this will come together with time. It can be a wild ride.

Hugs,

Danya

[gildedgurl (imported)]

I've lived as a woman for 10yrs from NYC to SF.

Many women, upon meeting me, could not take their eyes off of my A then B tits and tried to feel them up.

I found that many lesbians are turned on by HRT-TGs & TSs, just like many gays, TGs & TSs who are turned on by lesbians. As you probably know, lesbians don't need a cock to have fantastic sex.

Happy Xmas gurlz,

- GG

[mrt (imported)]

I felt a bit like a kid going through puberty when I went on HRT. The changes are probably better done at a later age I think. My first puberty was full of embarrassments the second a bit less so and not quite as long.

Unlike you I went through it with the same gender fuel so I don't have that total rewiring to complicate things. Your comment about being a "girly girl" is kind of funny and from what I gather fairly common in TS people. I say why not go for it? Your probably dealing with a lot of repression for a large part of your life. This is a form of release (total) to be fem so why not embrace some of that. I mean without going crazy... I think I agree with the other poster that some people are attracted to TS people. Hormones, etc are not about having sex but they sure are "about" sex. And putting the brain ON sex and thinking about it tends to stir things up.

I applaud your not wanting to complicate things while your in transition. I think its probably important to stay focused and get yourself taken care of. As to school... You and I are going through a similar change of life thing? I'm starting to wonder if some higher education in fields I wasn't into before might be of value.

[Danya (imported)]

I've lived as a woman for 10yrs from NYC to SF.

Many women, upon meeting me, could not take their eyes off of my A then B tits and tried to feel them up.

I found that many lesbians are turned on by HRT-TGs & TSs, just like many gays, TGs & TSs who are turned on by lesbians. As you probably know, lesbians don't need a cock to have fantastic sex.

Happy Xmas gurlz,

- GG

Hi gildedgirl,

I enjoyed reading your interesting story. Certainly there are many ways of sharing sexual pleasure that do not require the presence of a male. I'll see what may develop with my lesbian friend.

Happy Holidays,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

...

Unlike you I went through it with the same gender fuel so I don't have that total rewiring to complicate things. Your comment about being a "girly girl" is kind of funny and from what I gather fairly common in TS people. I say why not go for it? Your probably dealing with a lot of repression for a large part of your life. This is a form of release (total) to be fem so why not embrace some of that. I mean without going crazy...

I hadn't really thought of my desire to dress up and feel really feminine as a 'girly girl' thing, although I am glad you find it amusing! I understand what you mean and 'girly girl' does fit me, even if I might choose different words. Maybe something like a very feminine woman.

You are right, this kind of thing is very common with TS women. It's also common for female transsexuals to want be blonde. I wanted that, too, but brunette works much better with my skin tone.

I applaud your not wanting to complicate things while your in transition. I think its probably important to stay focused and get yourself taken care of. As to school... You and I are going through a similar change of life thing? I'm starting to wonder if some higher education in fields I wasn't into before might be of value.

I do need to let things get a bit more focused for me before I decide on any potentially life-changing decisions. I might go back to school at some point to get a degree in something far removed from my earlier education.

For now, though, I need to put thoughts of education on hold. I need to allow time to socialize. That's how I better learn who I am. It's also what I want and need right now.

Hugs,

Danya

[plix (imported)]

I have found that I am predominantly a night person, which appears to be the norm for my age. Even in my 20s now, I still enjoy staying up late and sleeping in. I hate having to get up before 10 AM, and I'm not pleased about going to bed before midnight. My ideal job would be something involving a swing shift because I could sleep through the morning and go to work in the afternoon, then have a few hours of playtime when I get home before having to go to bed again. Somehow I am dragging myself out of bed at 7 AM on Monday and Wednesday for a class, but I don't look forward to it. Fortunately next semester the earliest I will have to get up will be 8. Still far too early, but better than 7.

This world is definitely designed for the morning person. Just like it's designed for right-handed people, extroverts, those with common sense, those with mechanical abilities, and everything else I am not

[mrt (imported)]

I hadn't really thought of my desire to dress up and feel really feminine as a 'girly girl' thing, although I am glad you find it amusing! I understand what you mean and 'girly girl' does fit me, even if I might choose different words. Maybe something like a very feminine woman.

You are right, this kind of thing is very common with TS women. It's also common for female transsexuals to want be blonde. I wanted that, too, but brunette works much better with my skin tone.

I do need to let things get a bit more focused for me before I decide on any potentially life-changing decisions. I might go back to school at some point to get a degree in something far removed from my earlier education.

For now, though, I need to put thoughts of education on hold. I need to allow time to socialize. That's how I better learn who I am. It's also what I want and need right now.

Hugs,

Danya

Girly Girl might come across as demeaning so... oops. Its our family word for doing all the fem things. Having seen you Blonde let me tell you how much better I think you look as a brunette!

Re the other point. Maybe m2f TS people and men think of "female" as Marilyn Monroe or Barbie? but... Thats kind of shallow. I think. Lets face it Paula Prentis stirred a lot of hormones for many young lads and she was a brunette! Of course Doris Day was pretty hot too....

I thought more about what your friend was not into and perhapes part of that is about her being lesbian? I can't remember the terms and such but some women are ubber fem and others semi reject that or are only into that for their partners. I dunno...

I agree with your last point. Get out. Give yourself time to figure out who the real you is. I think its a good thing for a lot of us and might save on the therapy costs! I think your new puberty will give you a lot of challanges most of which will be good. Just remember this is puberty part duex you don't need to repeat ANY of the bad things with part one. Or is that Du?

-hugs - MrT *MrT hugs?!?!?

[mrt (imported)]

I have found that I am predominantly a night person, which appears to be the norm for my age. Even in my 20s now, I still enjoy staying up late and sleeping in. I hate having to get up before 10 AM, and I'm not pleased about going to bed before midnight. My ideal job would be something involving a swing shift because I could sleep through the morning and go to work in the afternoon, then have a few hours of playtime when I get home before having to go to bed again. Somehow I am dragging myself out of bed at 7 AM on Monday and Wednesday for a class, but I don't look forward to it. Fortunately next semester the earliest I will have to get up will be 8. Still far too early, but better than 7.

This world is definitely designed for the morning person. Just like it's designed for right-handed people, extroverts, those with common sense, those with mechanical abilities, and everything else I am not

But is the appeal that staying up late is taboo? I think in our 20 year olds case it better matches her need to avoid all possible contact with us...

[Danya (imported)]

Something is going on that has me very concerned. I feel very low on energy much of the time. I think this developed within the last two to three weeks. I barely have the energy to get out of bed. Just getting through a normal work day takes a lot of effort.

At this point, I do not consider the symptoms to be a sign of depression. On those days where I get plenty of rest (like maybe 10 hours) and don't overdo things, I feel fine and life is wonderful. Yesterday, my boss was telling me that people continue to comment on how happy I am and how obvious it is that I am so much more comfortable with myself.

I am getting to bed no later than 11 PM and sometimes sooner. One thing I still need to work on is a more regular eating schedule, so tonight I will have dinner by 7 PM instead of waiting until 10:30 or later.

I am starting to exercise every day. I know exercise is important but I have neglected it for months in favor of writing and other 'fun' activities. I need to wise up and exercise regularly no matter what. No excuses will be accepted!

This afternoon, I called my hormone doctor's office and made an appointment to see her Friday. I want to be sure there is nothing else going on. Taking estrogen increases my risk of developing diabetes. I suspect I am in a 'prediabetic' state now. My blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, HDL/LDL, etc. were fine at my last hormone checkup in early October.

Whatever is going on, I want to identify the problem and take action to resolve it. I am afraid that I will need to stop taking estrogen if I simply wait and do nothing.

I still feel happy much of the time but I am under a lot of stress. Part of my action plan is to reduce some of that stress. I have been trying to do too many things. We had a company party today. Afterwards, a friend in Human Resources was commenting on a number of very positive things I have been doing lately. She is familiar with most of what I do outside the office. Like me, she is interested in photography. I commented that I did not have the time I wanted for photography. Her reply was "Of course you don't, look at all the other things you are doing". I was surrprised by her remark because I typically feel like I am not doing enough and I should be able to fit time in for everything I want to do The problem there is that there are far too many things that I want to do in a bad way. This was not so before I transitioned. I guess I'm still learning how to handle this new life. Danya needs to get real, wise up and make some mid-course corrections on how she handles her life

When my energy level is very low, I can lose the ability to view my situation realistically. For several hours last night, it seemed like nothing was right in my life. This is despite the fact that over the last 10 days I have accomplished several major things that I would have thought impossible before I transitioned.

All of my hopes started to seem out of reach because I do not have the energy to make them happen. I will not allow this situation to continue and I will get my life back on track.

[mrt (imported)]

Check the level of anti androgen meds you take. Perhapes you've dialed down the Testosterone level to below the correct female mix? Or maybe the Estrogen / progesterone levels are weird?

Sleep stuff we talked about. Melatonin and DHEA help us

Mr (& Mrs) T

[Danya (imported)]

Hi MrT (& Mrs T, too!),

I am not taking progesterone. The use of progesterone in MtFs is controversial. It may help further breast development but even that is unclear. When I was at the U of M gender program, the physician there said she never prescribes it. I know there are other doctors who do.

Your point is well-taken on the anti-androgen. That is one thing I will discuss, along with the DHEA. I sleep well when I exercise.

My boss has diabetes and I got some first-hand information on that from him today. I don't think my symptoms fit even prediabetes, but I will let the doctor decide.

I was doing so well today, after two nights straight with exercise, that I briefly considered canceling the doctor appointment tomorrow. I decided it's best to be safe so I will see her. My gender therapist, who I saw today, agrees.

Tonight, I will venture out with a young trans person I met through a talk I gave. I enjoy B's company. He invited me to go to a glam rock performance presented by a transgender woman. I had to look up what 'glam rock' is! This will be a totally new experience.

I had planned to stay home this evening and work on my finances but seeing B is part of my de-stressing routine. I'll be sure to get home early enough to exercise before bed.

[jjayman3 (imported)]

My second post here, but, As a total type "A" personality, or as I try and remind myself "Martyr complex" sometimes it is necessary to stop, collect yourself, and remember life is good just the way it is. I have the problem of taking on everything and being disappointed that I do nothing well.

Try and place yourself in the shoes of one going through puberty the first time. However, reflect and think about the ways you could have changed your actions if "You only knew". However, now you are lucky enough to enjoy puberty again without making the same mistakes. My 0.2

P.S. Thank you to the moderators, the spell check is awesome

[Danya (imported)]

My second post here, but, As a total type "A" personality, or as I try and remind myself "Martyr complex" sometimes it is necessary to stop, collect yourself, and remember life is good just the way it is. I have the problem of taking on everything and being disappointed that I do nothing well.

Hi jjayman3,

I suffered big time from a martyr complex before I transitioned. It can still be a problem for me at times and that is when I need to rest and just be, appreciating the moment. Your advice is right on target. Even a teenager needs some life balance.

My life is very good and I am still in awe of this result of transitioning, nearly 7 months after my transition date. I suppose someday I will get used to this. Even when I am a bit down and worn out, I know my life is very rich and I cannot believe my good fortune.

I suspect people I speak with regularly tired some time ago of hearing how great everything is in my life and how excited I am. You know who you are! I am fortunate to have several friends here who are still willing to listen, after 7 months, to my latest discovery or achievement.

I went to a large mall last week, the day before Thanksgiving. There were lots of out-of-school kids with their friends and parents. I needed to use the women's rest room. I am always confident in who I am and no one has ever questioned my presence in the women's room. This was the first time, though, when a large number of young girls were there. Young children tend to say whatever is on their minds. I fit right in, taking time at the mirror to reapply my lipstick and touch up my makeup. There were children milling all around me. Not one girl said anything about my presence. This was a

powerful affirmation of who I am.

There is one good friend I tend to call as soon as there is another exciting development ...right after I got out of the women's room, I called him with the 'exciting' news of my acceptance by the young female children. I was really excited and he was his usual caring self, taking the time to listen and mirroring back to me what my experience meant.

There are so many caring people here. I appreci

ate your taking the time to write and share, jjayman3.

Try and place yourself in the shoes of one going through puberty the first time. However, reflect and think about the ways you could have changed your actions if "You only knew". However, now you are lucky enough to enjoy puberty again without making the same mistakes. My 0.2

P.S. Th

ank you to the moderators, the spell check is awesome

Fortunately or not, I never made any mistakes throughout puberty #1. I hated what it was doing to me, I never rebelled, I never made a fool of myself in any way and I remained the perfect child I had always been. A problem with this was, that child was not a child at all but an adult, as I had been a little adult since a very young age.

Your two cents are worth a lot and I appreciate your writing. I do need to enjoy this second puberty. It's quite an adventure and the chance to discover who I really am. I don't want to miss that. Danya gets to grow up at last!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

....

Tonight, I will venture out with a young trans person I met through a talk I gave. I enjoy B's company. He invited me to go to a glam rock performance presented by a transgender woman. I had to look up what 'glam rock' is! This will be a totally new experience.

I had

a terrific time with my young trans friend, 'B'. 'B' brought along a gay friend, a student from halfway around the world. I will call him 'G'. It was good to catch up on news from 'B' and I got on well with 'G'. Somehow, I didn't really feel that I was roughly 35 years older than they are. Maybe 5 years older, tops!

This was a very good experience for me. I felt honored to be so easily included into their conversation and company. In a way, I started to feel that they were the children I never had.

[mrt (imported)]

Well! You passed the sniff test with kids. That (to me) sounds like a very big thing. It affirms some basic things that are (I'm sure) still a positive kick to you as you move forward.

[Danya (imported)]

I spent a lot of time today working through my financial situation, again. Since I transitioned, my spending has gone way down in most areas because I am so happy. Before then, I tended to spend too much to ease my unhappiness. That's not a very smart thing to do and I am thankful I have moved beyond my desire to spend too freely.

Now I am surprised at how little I need to spend, relatively speaking, and I am leading a much simpler life. I am still very happy.

December 19th will mark the 7 month anniversary of my transition day, and today is exactly 6 months since I started estrogen. I am working on a plan to pay for GRS as I continue to pay down my debt and save money for emergencies.

I am very hopeful that I will be able to afford GRS in two years at most. It is likely that my company will start covering GRS, if not for 2009 then in 2010. If they do, I may be seeing a surgeon at the end of 2009.

My life is far better than I thought possible a year ago, when I started gender therapy. The longer I am on estrogen, the more feminine I feel and I revel in that pleasure. Just in the last month, it seems I have made a lot of progress in letting go my former 'male' persona. Without 'him' in the way, I feel like I am blossoming.

More men are looking at me with obvious interest, particularly on days when I am wearing a dress or skirt and top. I absolutely know now, not only on an intellectual level but also in a deeply emotional, visceral way, that I am truly a woman.

When I transitioned, I knew my identity was female and that I wanted to live my life as a woman. I was very happy from the beginning of this journey. With the benefit of estrogen and living 24/7 as my true self, my emotions are now much more feminine. This is what drives my desire for GRS.

Now and then, I get a little concerned that my health will deteriorate in some way that will prevent my ever having GRS. I am 56, after all! This is a possibility, but I do not dwell on it long. Should something happen, I will deal with the disappointment and go on with my life as a woman.

[NaziNuts (imported)]

How are ya Danya,

As to age, women generally live longer than men, so sounds like you are moving in the right direction for the best health and longevity. You won't have to worry about menopause and PMS to some degree -- yet I know the hormones nicely simulate the full feminine experience.

As to you saving money, that is amazingly attractive. A frugal woman is hard to come by and almost a contradiction in terms in my experience. It seems to be a woman's innate prerogative to be a shopaholic.

As to all your sharing on this thread, and especially on Sarah's new thread, you deserve to be on the list for Sainthood. So, here's to you Danya, and to Sarah, and to all the hugs you are saving the world with.

-NeinNaziYahLittleNuts

[Danya (imported)]

How are ya Danya,

As to age, women generally live longer than men, so sounds like you are moving in the right direction for the best health and longevity. You won't have to worry about menopause and PMS to some degree -- yet I know the hormones nicely simulate the full feminine experience.

As to you saving money, that is amazingly attractive. A frugal woman is hard to come by and almost a contradiction in terms in my experience. It seems to be a woman's innate prerogative to be a shopaholic.

As to all your sharing on this thread, and especially on Sarah's new thread, you deserve to be on the list for Sainthood. So, here's to you Danya, and to Sarah, and to all the hugs you are saving the world with.

-NeinNaziYahLittleNuts

Hi NN,

It's good to hear from you!

My doctor was supposed to call if the blood work indicated a problem. I expect I would have heard from her by now if that were the case. The office was supposed to mail me the results if everything if fine. When I know what's up, I'll report it here.

I am surprised at how frugal I have become. My natural inclination does tend toward shopaholic, I'm afraid. Nonetheless, I am learning an important lessen now as I keep to a tight budget.

I appreciate your kind remarks

more than you know.

Hugs,

Danya