Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

What are the challenges of transitioning? I feel the need to write about this for several reasons.

1. My gender therapist commented that she knows I feel I need to be strong. I responded that I am strong. There are times, though, when I don't want to be strong. It is then that I yearn to feel safe within the embrace of someone's arms.

2. The holidays are a difficult time of the year for me. This year probably comes in second highest on my stress scale. The most stressful holiday season came 5 months after I was assaulted and badly injured. That was back in 1984.

3. Family issues/grief - being rejected adds to my stress at this time of year.

4. Earlier in the week, the company I work for announced they need to make larger budget cuts. They will be looking at each position in the company to decide if it is needed. There were other indications that layoffs are ahead.

I will try write more on these issues within a few days.

Somehow, despite the stress in my life, I continue to do well most of the time. This is not the way things would have gone before I transitioned.

Earlier in the week, I wrote to a friend that I am just as happy now as that first exciting day when I transitioned at work. In some ways, I am probably much happier.

What I want to be sure is that readers, especially 'guests', understand that transitioning is challenging. My life is much better since I transitioned. That does not mean every step along the way is easy. I realize I transitioned because I had no choice. It was either transition or give up living.

[Danya (imported)]

From the Gospel of John 8:32 (New International Version):

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

I imagine that for many, Christian or not, the promise in this verse has a powerful attraction. Who would not want to be set free, after all? Maybe there are those, however, who fear real freedom.

How many people can say that they are free? How many have no more than a inkling, and perhaps then only occasionally, that they are not free?

This single biblical verse has always had an attraction for me. I knew I was not at all free from when I was a young child. I was a captive of other's expectations and I had no real life. For decades, I lived in hiding from others and from myself.

What might being truly free mean? My own experience tells me that it does not mean freedom from uncertainty. Just the opposite is true. Being free involves releasing the known in order to grasp and live an ultimate truth beyond which lies an uncertain future.

I know that by accepting my own truth, my gender identity, I am at last free. I feel it in my bones, even though I am still on my journey and do not know where my path will lead. There would be no path were it not for this new freedom.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

From the Gospel of John 8:32 (New International Version):

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

I imagine that for many, Christian or not, the promise in this verse has a powerful attraction. Who would not want to be set free, after all? Maybe there are those, however, who fear real freedom.

How many people can say that they are free? How many have no more than a inkling, and perhaps then only occasionally, that they are not free?

This single biblical verse has always had an attraction for me. I knew I was not at all free from when I was a young child. I was a captive of other's expectations and I had no real life. For decades, I lived in hiding from others and from myself.

What might being truly free mean? My own experience tells me that it does not mean freedom from uncertainty. Just the opposite is true. Being free involves releasing the known in order to grasp and live an ultimate truth beyond which lies an uncertain future.

I know that by accepting my own truth, my gender identity, I am at last free. I feel it in my bones, even though I am still on my journey and do not know where my path will lead. There would be no path were it not for this new freedom.

Danya,

Through your acknowledgment of who you really are and you're transition, you have finally been set free and know the freedom of truly being ones self.

"Free, free to be the women that is me."

Congratulations!

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

Through your acknowledgment of who you really are and you're transition, you have finally been set free and know the freedom of truly being ones self.

"Free, free to be the women that is me."

Congratulations!

Erica Ann,

I am happy that you have come into my life, although we have never met. Thanks for your comments and good wishes.

Hugs,

Danya

[tugon (imported)]

Danya, I love that you share your hopes and dreams with us. Even though I do not post as much as I once did I hope you know I am still on the sidelines cheering you on to the new you. In the time I have known you I have enjoyed your personal growth and greater happiness. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve.

Hugs,

[Danya (imported)]

This is another weekend when I am spending most of my time working from home. Somebody has got to do it! It's all part of a huge work project that's been going on for over two years now. I hope that when it finally gets into production, my life will return to a more normal schedule.

I am taking a short break from work. I want to add a little to what I wrote about the challenges of transitioning. My new comments are in red.

Before I start, I want everyone to know I am in a very good mood.

What are the challenges of transitioning? I feel the need to write about this for several reasons.

1. My gender therapist commented that she knows I feel I need to be strong. I responded that I am strong. There are times, though, when I don't want to be strong. It is then that I yearn to feel safe within the embrace of someone's arms.

My therapist, in commenting that she understands I feel the need to be strong, was reacting to something I say after I have had a good cry in her office. That is, "I want to be sure you know I am not falling apart." What she was telling me is that she knows this.

As I pass through this part of my transition, I am experiencing some of the emotions typical for a teenage girl. At times, I just do not know what to do with those.

I often start crying for no apparent reason. At times this means I am sad but most of the time it means I am very happy. I am overwhelmed by my emotional response and I cry. There you have it!

My therapist also stated that even if I were to 'fall apart', it would not influence her support of my desire for GRS. She knows I am doing very well in my 'real life experience'. She also views her role as a fellow traveler and not as a gatekeeper. She's terrific!

2. The holidays are a difficult time of the year for me. This year probably comes in second highest on my stress scale. The most stressful holiday season came 5 months after I was assaulted and badly injured. That was back in 1984.

I was dealing with a lot of baggage when I wrote item 2. That lasted about 5 hours. This is a stressful holiday for several reasons I cannot discuss here. Nonetheless, I think the Christmas spirit found me today. Mind you, I do not go for the commercialism of Christmas. At times I am not even sure I am a Christian. I am deeply spiritual.

Christmas and the music, thoughts of loving families (mostly imaginary!) and Christmases past are part of my heritage. Were I to become a buddhist, Christmas would still have meaning for me.

3. Family issues/grief - being rejected adds to my stress at this time of year.

Christmas is 'sold' as a time for loving families to come together, share often too expensive gifts, celebrate and share food. My family does not fit the Christmas ideal but neither do most.

I can handle family rejection but I am not sure what my family thinks right now. At the urging of a good friend, I sent Christmas cards to my two brothers. I included two pictures of my real self. This is my final effort at getting a supportive response from them. They had never seen my true self. Now they have. Inside the cards I added a hand-written message 'Best wishes for 2009. Love, Danya' The wait for a response is stressful.

It was a week ago Monday when I sent the cards. I have not heard anything back so far. I may hear from one part of the family before Christmas. Not knowing if they will respond is adding to my stress. This is the time when families are supposed to be especially open to love.

If I do not get a clear message of support, even if they send a card, I will not contact them again. I know everyone in my family is essentially good, including my conservative California brother. He's the one I paid a fortune to visit in April only to hear him tell me that what I am doing is bizarre. He is unhappy and needs help. I am not the one to provide that.

Many people simply cannot grasp what it means to be transgender. I try to educate when I can. If my family cannot grow in understanding, it is definitely time to let go and move on.

I stated earlier in the year that I was grieving and letting go. I trust my friend, though, so the family gets one more chance. I will do nothing more.

4. Earlier in the week, the company I work for announced they need to make larger budget cuts. They will be looking at each position in the company to decide if it is needed. There were other indications that layoffs are ahead.

It is very unlikely I will be laid off

. There are a number of reasons for

this. Reading the announcement brought back memories of when I was laid off before. I was about 31 at the time. Today, the situation is very different. I regained my emotional equilibrium within a few hours of receiving the corporate email.

Nothing in life is really secure. Security is an illusion, although a comfortable one. I gave up that illusion and some others when I was assaulted in 1984. That was when I lost my innocent view of the world.

Should I lose my job, I will find another way to move on with my life as Danya.

Back in 1984, I had a child-like innocence and I realize now that is because I never matured as a normal child. I was forever the 'adult' child. Some of that innocence remains and I am glad for it.

Not ever having been a true child, I never had the chance to mature into an authentic adutlhood. Now, through transitioning and hormones, I get to grow up and become a fully functioning adult! What a ride!

The point I want to make is that when someone transitions, the normal ups and downs of life remain. There are added stresses of how to pay for associated expenses. Families can be a problem. You can lose family and friends. Some transsexuals lose their jobs. These are a few of the issues one needs to be aware of when making a decision to transition.

There is also the need to push through your fear of transitioning so you reach a place of comfort and confidence. Anyone can take small steps before considering transitioning to learn how to conquer fear.

Looking back at this week, I realize it was one of the best of my life. There were major stressors but I have overcome them. My life keeps getting better despite what is going on around me.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, I love that you share your hopes and dreams with us. Even though I do not post as much as I once did I hope you know I am still on the sidelines cheering you on to the new you. In the time I have known you I have enjoyed your personal growth and greater happiness. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve.

Hugs,

Tugon, my friend, I definitely know you are cheering me on. I am glad you are a part of my life.

Thanks for the good wishes.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Something is going on that has me very concerned. I feel very low on energy much of the time. I think this developed within the last two to three weeks. I barely have the energy to get out of bed. Just getting through a normal work day takes a lot of effort.

......

I am starting to exercise every day. I know exercise is important but I have neglected it for months in favor of writing and other 'fun' activities. I need to wise up and exercise regularly no matter what. No excuses will be accepted!

This afternoon, I called my hormone doctor's office and made an appointment to see her Friday. I want to be sure there is nothing else going on. Taking estrogen increases my risk of developing diabetes. I suspect I am in a 'prediabetic' state now. My blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, HDL/LDL, etc. were fine at my last hormone checkup in early October.

Whatever is going on, I want to identify the problem and take action to resolve it. I am afraid that I will need to stop taking estrogen if I simply wait and do nothing.

I received the results of all the blood tests today. Everything is A-OK! The doctor checked for diabetes, thyroid problems, kidney function and several other things. All results were normal.

If I exercise regularly, I feel fine. All I need to do is exercise at least every other day. Then my energy is high and life is good.

[mrt (imported)]

I can't remember the quote but..

We hate that which we don't understand

Or?? Someone with better google skills I'm sure can find the original. Learning about people with GID and figuring out that this is not being done for the laughs and giggles is probably a big step for some people who don't get out much. Hetrosexual people with healthy sex drives just have zero clue that there is ANYTHING else and assume its all a choice to be different for what? The fun of it? I wish they could talk to some Gay people who would tell you just how fun that is to be made sport of.

Anyway, Christmas music aside. *I'm working in a place that pipes it in ALL THE TIME. And I swear the next time I hear Willy Nelson singing any Christmas tunes I'm going to heave. Him or the Carpenters singing ANYTHING or <shudder> the Beach Boys singing "The little St Nick" ACK ACK ACK ACK !

I would not be too hard on these relatives. I'm quite sure your not doing this to or for them. If it takes them a year (or 10) to get a handle on it? Its their own darn fault for not "Edumacating" their dumb heads...

[Danya (imported)]

I can't remember the quote but..

We hate that which we don't understand

Or?? Someone with better google skills I'm sure can find the original. Learning about people with GID and figuring out that this is not being done for the laughs and giggles is probably a big step for some people who don't get out much. Hetrosexual people with healthy sex drives just have zero clue that there is ANYTHING else and assume its all a choice to be different for what? The fun of it? I wish they could talk to some Gay people who would tell you just how fun that is to be made sport of.

Greetings, MrT,

Too many people view anything outside their own limited 'world' view as strange and unacceptable. It's great to know a normal guy like you who is so open and accepting!

Anyway, Christmas music aside. *I'm working in a place that pipes it in ALL THE TIME. And I swear the next time I hear Willy Nelson singing any Christmas tunes I'm going to heave. Him or the Carpenters singing ANYTHING or the Beach Boys singing "The little St Nick" ACK ACK ACK ACK !

Hearing the same music repeatedly is damned annoying, at any time of the year. I feel for you.

I tend to go for things most people have never heard. Last year, I listened to a 12-part arrangement of 'Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming' (Es ist ein Rose Entsprungen) and I was instantly mesmerized.

Then there are ancient carols that are not well known. Some of those are very nice.

Seldom heard contemporary carols, often sung by a capella choirs, can be very moving. The words of one of my favorites sound innocent enough. 'How still he lies', it begins. This is anything but a lullaby, though, and the music turns it into a somber reflection on the child's future. It is not happy at all but it is hauntingly beautiful.

What many Christians do not realize is that their highest feast day is not Christmas, but Easter. The birth of the Christ child means little without the sacrifice. This is why the last carol I described appeals to me.

I was an organist for many years at a large Catholic Church. The Easter Vigil Mass always moved me to tears. It was held after dark on the evening before Easter day. A large bonfire burned outside the church building. The interior of the santuary was in darkness. I could barely see the music on the pipe organ console. As the service started, the lighting was slowly increased and the Easter proclamation was read. Part of that includes "Christ has conquered! Glory fills you! Darkness vanishes forever!" *

The music at the Easter vigil was superb (only partly due to my contribution ) and I loved the heavy symbolism.

Christmas carols that point forward to the victory of Easter have a special meaning for me. They do not have to be obscure or tinged with foreboding.

I like many types of Christmas music. Things that are musically challenging or interesting are especially appealing, but I like other types, too.

I have even been caught enjoying the Beach Boys' "The Little St. Nick". I draw the line, though, at the dog barking out "Jingle Bells".

* I just do not get how Christian churches can loudly proclaim messages of love that have exclusions written into them. The Easter proclamation (The Exultet) of "Glory fills you", is an example. Glory fills all of us, yet many are turned away by churches. No wonder so many GLBT folks want nothing to do with churches. Years ago, a Catholic nun wrote that the church should apologize for all the harm it had done to gay people and ask for their forgiveness. She was later reprimanded by the bishop.

I would not be too hard on these relatives. I'm quite sure your not doing this to or for them. If it takes them a year (or 10) to get a handle on it? Its their own darn fault for not "Edumacating" their dumb heads...

I am not upset with my relatives, MrT. All I want is to get on with my life, with or without them. I have reached out to them a number of times. I will not again.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

In parts of the frigid northland, GRS is not a requirement to have the Sex designation changed on your license. Cross-gender hormone therapy is enough proof of sex, as far as driving a car goes!

My new license came today and my sex is now female. I am really happy about this. Now I can throw away

the 'bathroom letter' from my therapist.

That certifies that I am a pre-operative transsexual woman and as such I am entitled to all the rights and privileges of a woman.

I never figured out w

hat all of those rights and privileg

es are. No one ever questioned my presence in the ladies rest room, but using that facility is one of the rights of transsexual women. It is protected by state law, regardless of surgical status.

[Danya (imported)]

Today was extremely cold; the temperature never warmed to 0 degrees F. Then there was the wind chill of -18 degrees. At least the sun was shining and there was liquid water falling from the sun-warmed stone facing of my office building.

I knew what the weather would be like when I dressed this morning. Nonetheless, I bravely (foolishly?) decided to wear nylons and heels with a long skirt and a nice top. I wore a very warm coat, although that did not extend to the bottom of the skirt.

About an hour before sunset, I walked two whole blocks outside to get to my pharmacy. This is my first full winter identifying as Danya. Knowing I was nicely dressed even in the extreme cold caused me to laugh, once I got inside. Now that I think about it, I was smiling even as I crossed the street.

For some reason, this experience made me happy. I guess I felt that not even the very cold weather was going to stop me from being myself.

[twaddler (imported)]

"

It is then that I yearn to feel safe within the embrace of someone's arms.

"

That really can make such a difference. But I suppose cannot something that one relies on altogether.

[ramses (imported)]

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

I imagine that for many, Christian or not, the promise in this verse has a powerful attraction. Who would not want to be set free, after all? Maybe there are those, however, who fear real freedom.

How many people can say that they are free? How many have no more than a inkling, and perhaps then only occasionally, that they are not free?

Reading this post made me immediately thing of Janis Joplin's "bobby McGee" where she says, "Freedom's just another word for Nothing left to lose." For some reason that one line has always stuck with me.

I don't chime often on your thread but I follow it with admiration for you and the strength you have had to do what you have to do. You have come so far since you joined us here and it has been a joy to follow your progress. On the other hand, it has filled me with sorrow at times as I read about some of the issues with your family.

It takes some people a while to get their heads around some things. My mom left my dad when I was 14, for another woman. Her entire family is hard core Mormon and they didn't take it to well. That was in 1984.

This past sunday, all of her brothers, sisters and most of their children and grand children were at HER house for a family get together. Her "friend" Fifi (funny name for a woman as butch and redneck as she is) was there and is very accepted by the whole clan.

So don't give up. There is hope for even the most thick headed. Just keep them at a distance because you have enough to deal with while transitioning than to deal with THEIR problems and ignorance. I wish you a happy holliday and wish I could give you a BIG hug.

Love, Ramses

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Danya, you need to work on your winter wardrobe. It gets much colder and darker with lower windchill. I don't want you to get frostbite by staying fashonable. --FLO--

[Eunic JHD (imported)]

I have even been caught enjoying the Beach Boys' "The Little St. Nick". I draw the line, though, at the dog barking out "Jingle Bells".

For some reason only some corporate broadcasting genious knows, the local stations here have been playing Gayla Peevey's 1953 "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." The song was actually a promotional song to try and get a Hippopotomus for the Oklahoma City Zoo. The Hippo is probably long gone, but unfortunately the song lives on. They play it at least twice an hour oblivious to it's history. :-\

[Danya (imported)]

"

It is then that I yearn to feel

safe within the embrace of someone's arms.

"

That really can make such a difference. But I su

ppose cannot something that one relies on altogether.

Greetings postatracura,

I have relied nearly entirely on myself for the last 12 years. One of the positives of transitioning is a new found need to spend more time socializing. After an evening out, though, I still like to get home for some alone time.

Having a special someone in my life would be wonderful. I don't think it would be healthy for me to rely totally on someone else.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Reading this post made me immediately thing of Janis Joplin's "bobby McGee" where she says, "Freedom's just another word for Nothing left to lose." For some reason that one line has always stuck with me.

I don't chime often on your thread but I follow it with admiration for you and the strength you have had to do what you have to do. You have come so far since you joined us here and it has been a joy to follow your progress. On the other hand, it has filled me with sorrow at times as I read about some of the issues with your family.

It takes some people a while to get their heads around some things. My mom left my dad when I was 14, for another woman. Her entire family is hard core Mormon and they didn't take it to well. That was in 1984.

This past sunday, all of her brothers, sisters and most of their children and grand children were at HER house for a family get together. Her "friend" Fifi (funny name for a woman as butch and redneck as she is) was there and is very accepted by the whole clan.

So don't give up. There is hope for even the most thick headed. Just keep them at a distance because you have enough to deal with while transitioning than to deal with THEIR problems and ignorance. I wish you a happy holliday and wish I could give you a BIG hug.

Love, Ramses

Dear Ramses,

Thank you for your sensitive and kind words. So much has changed in my life since I first started posting. It means a lot to know that you, and others, read some of what I write. Then I know I have support along my journey. Knowing that people here are happy for me is a

powerful affirmation of who I am.

Thanks for sharing the difficult story of your own family. I am glad your mom and her partner have been accepted by the rest of her family.

You have wise advice about handling my own family issues. I appreciate your taking the time to offer that. What you say is important to me because you clearly understand difficult family situations.

Thanks for the holiday wishes. If you were here, I would want to hug you, too. Your post gave me much joy.

I wish you love, peace and much happiness for the holidays and in the new year.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, you need to work on your winter wardrobe. It gets much colder and darker with lower windchill. I don't want you to get frostbite by staying fashonable. --FLO--

It is always good to hear from you, Uncle Flo. I am near the end of my budget for winter clothing. I do have a number of very warm things to wear, though. The one thing I may still purchase is a pair of decent boots for those walks in the snow.

After I wrote about my stroll in the frigid air, I realized it had been a way of proving something to myself. That I can handle any adversity that comes my way. I was laughing because I did not allow the bitterly cold air to affect who I am. I took that to mean, in part, how I dressed.

These are trying times and I am determined to let nothing stand in my way.

Another friend commented that

now that I have made my point and proven myself in the cold, snow and ice I don't ever need to do that again! He was concerned, as you are, that I be careful in the cold and dress appropriately.

I really appreciate your concern and I will be more careful.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

....

For some reason only some corporate broadcasting genious knows, the local stations here have been playing Gayla Peevey's 1953 "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." ...

Hi Eunic,

That song title gave me my laugh for the day. I can't say I've ever heard this one, but that's probably OK.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

At this point, I realize it is unlikely that I will get a response to the Christmas cards I sent to my family. With the cards, I included two photos of the real me, Danya. In a 'normal' year, I would have received at least a card from the southern relatives, by the 10th or so.

I am feeling very sad. Earlier in the evening, I didn't think I would post anything on this subject. There is nothing anyone can do about my family's failure to respond. I have tried to be open about my entire experience, though, so I am including this.

Intellectually, I understand all the reasons families can have problems accepting transgendered loved ones. On an emotional level, I feel abandoned. Not only do I feel abandoned by my family, but I feel alone in the world.

The unfortunate truth is that many transgender people are rejected by some or all family members. I will recover and I do not expect that to take very many days. And I know I am not alone at all, thanks in part to the many supportive comments from folks here on the Archive. I just need those few days for my spirit to mend so I do not feel so alone.

I wish everyone holiday blessings and happiness for 2009, whatever you believe and whatever your religion may be (or not be at all).

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I find that I am starting to recover my emotional stability already. I do not know why I am still surprised by my ability to easily cope with difficulties. Since I transitioned, I have been very strong.

I will not be drawn down by anyone, relatives or not. I refuse to let that happen. I am angry right now that I have allowed myself to feel like a victim.

When I saw my therapist Thursday afternoon, she commented that it would be good if my family responded with something like "We don't agree with what you are doing but you're still part of the family." I told her then and there that this type of response was not acceptable to me. She looked a little taken aback. She should know how I feel by now and how I handle my life. She says I handle my life and my transition better than most of her clients. I may be her first trans client that she has admitted does not need to see her at all. She knows I do not willingly allow anyone to demean me. She knows I stand up for my own rights and those of others.

What I could accept from my family is something like "We do not understand what you are doing but you are still part of the family and we love you." Or, "We are having trouble working through this but we are trying."

Who I am is not something to be debated or decided by anyone else. No one has the right to 'not agree' with who I am. Would my family presume to tell a person of color "We do not agree with your identifying as a person of color"?

I would not dare tell one of my brother's that I disagree with his divorcing some years ago. It is beside the point that it is not my business and it does not change how I feel about him. This is merely an example. I have nothing but empathy for people who divorce.

Nor will I accept tolerance as a condition of acceptance by family or friends. If the best someone can offer me is their tolerance, I do not want them in my life.

Tolerating me means things like "As long as you don't make trouble, be too open, be seen with us in public we will put up with you." This is not acceptable and it is demeaning.

I am woman, I am strong.....something like that! You get the idea.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

[kennath7 (imported)]

Danya you have been a great sister keep up the good work

marry x-mass

[Danya (imported)]

Danya you have been a great sister keep up the good work

marry x-mass

Hi kennath7,

You are a sweetheart. Thanks for the encouragement. You have come a long way this year yourself.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I just received an online gift certificate to Macy's from my Texas brother, his wife, my niece and nephew. They used my real (i.e., new legal) name. I was crying when I got the email notification.

I wasn't sure I would hear from them again. They received my Christmas card and photo a few weeks ago. I will write a thank-you note.

After I put some thought into this, I will let you know about any additional things I will do. It may seem strange, but I am not sure how to proceed with any futher contacts beyond the thank-you note.