Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

My work life continues to occupy much of my waking time. This is not because I am a workaholic!

Yesterday was the beginning of my eighth month on estrogen. I have had significant breast development. Little children seem more interested in me than before I transitioned. Dogs are much friendlier, too!

I had lab work done two days ago to measure my

estrogen and testosterone levels, among other things. I w

ill see the doctor Monday, Jan. 12 to get the results. If I do not think my estrogen level is sufficiently high, I will get a second opinion. I appreciate Erica Ann's input on this.

My estrogen level may be fine. I feel like I am a teenage girl much of the time. Then there is the continuing nipple tenderness. For some of you, this may be too much information.

In late December, 2007[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1220

962080]
, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis.
[/quote]
Over the last 8 - 10 years, I have needed periodic high doses of prednisone to bring asthma attacks under control. Prednisone is known to contribute to bone dimineralization.

Today, I had a bone density scan to see if the medications I have taken over the last year have helped my bones to recover their calcium. I will get those results in two weeks.

Earlier today, I received a wonderful email from a well-known person. I mean internationally known. This trans woman shared some of her own experiences and described how they relate to what I am experiencing.

I cannot say more about this. This woman is not associated with the Archive and we had never connected before. All I can say is that I was very moved by her letter.

[mrt (imported)]

Be ready to push if you don't think your hormone regiment is correct. For me making some notes on how I felt and getting some input from MrsT was vital to getting on a dose (and blood levels) that worked for me.

Labs ARE important. Don't get me wrong. But symptoms are a very important factor. Some people function well in the bottom range. Others can't. Some need to be in the middle or even upper range to "operate" right. And this goes for anyone on hormone therapy.

I guess what I'm saying is when the doctor says "How are you doing?"

The answer should be detailed and to the point. "FINE" is the wrong answer.

Good for you on the bone loss test! This is a problem that all of us should address early and work on when the solution is easier. No one wants to have hip fractures etc. Yikes! Just saying that hurts...

As to the feeling like a teenage girl. Welcome again to puberty! Ain't it weird and wonderful?! At least you have the experience of your first one to go on. I know that once I accepted that this rush of feelings was pretty much another run with "puberty" I was able to handle it far easier. The sexual part of it is I'm sure the main thing buzzing in your mind but don't you enjoy the other more subtle things as well? Maybe going from low levels to normal made a bigger impression on me but wow... It was like an instant "cure" for depression an energy boost and a sudden ability to think properly again for the first time in ??? years. What a rush!

[Danya (imported)]

Be ready to push if you don't think your hormone regiment is correct.

At my last visit, I tried the push method and got nowhere. If my estrogen turns out to be low, I will bring up the dose again. I'll get answers at my Monday evening appointment. If I do not like my doctor's response

, I will get a second opinion.

Erica Ann provided me with very good estrogen numbers for reference.

There are physical signs that my estrogen dose may be fine. I will disc

uss that with my doctor and also seek Erica's opinion.

As to the feeling like a teenage girl. Welcome again to puberty! Ain't it weird and wonderful?! At least

you have the experience of your first one to go on.

MrT, my friend, I have commented before that I did not enjoy my first puberty at all. I hated it! The firs

t one was weird and awful. This one is wonderful.

The sexual part of it is I'm sure the main thing buzzing in your mind but d

on't you enjoy the other more subtle things as well?

Sexual interest is the least important, and noticeable, part of my experience. I seldom think about sex. I have new feelings about relationships, though. Then there are the other changes to my emotions and interests. Those let me know who I really am.

I did not transition so I could be sexually intimate with anyone. I transitioned so I could become who I was meant to be. If I were offered a choice between

1. living my life as a woman without GRS and the knowledge that I would never have a relationship and

2. not living full-time as a woman but having GRS and the promise of an intimate relationship

I would choose option 1. Of course, I still yearn for a relationship with the right man or, maybe, woman. If I never find the right person, though, I will still be happy and have no regrets.

I understand that testosterone plays an important role in sexual arousal for women. This is not the time to try to increase my testosterone. I occasionally feel sexual; that is enough for now. It may be fine for the rest of my life, too, if I am not in a relationship.

The critical thing is how content and happy I am,

[quote="Danya (imported)" tim

e=1213332120]
for the first time in my life.
[/quote]


Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I haven't mentioned this often, but I have lost a few 'friends' as a result of transitioning. There was the woman I knew since we started work together at a lab back east. That was in 1996. Even after I moved away, we spoke several times a year and we always exchanged Christmas cards.

Three months ago, I sent her an email explaining my new life. She sent a short response which was polite enough, although she stated she did not understand transgenderism. This is the first year she did not send a Christmas card. I was rejected by being ignored and forgotten.

I had a gay friend who lives in San Diego. He used to live a few miles from me and I visited him in California after he moved. We had done a little dating. On my last trip to San Diego, I told him I was in love with him. I was in love, but I was not sexually aroused even when we hugged. My love was based on an emotional connection that was very strong.

He did not love me, but we continued to talk regularly. That ended when I told him I am transgender. In his usual polite and soft-spoken manner, he told me he did not understand it. I never heard from him again.

There are several other 'friends' I lost this way, including a few who live nearby. The loss of these people has never bothered me.

There is the possibility of continuing, and perhaps better, relationships with my two brothers. Perhaps with one brother only, if I discount my ultra-religiously conservative brother on the west coast. For now, there is nothing more than a hint of a positive outcome. As ramses suggested in his response here, the best thing is to maintain a detached outlook for now.

In some ways, I am more fortunate than other transsexual persons who have been close to their families. I have not been close with either brother in many years. We have lived far apart for several decades, seldom seeing each other. It may be easier for me to work through feelings of loss, or potential loss. Still, family acceptance is important for a transgender person at every stage of life.

There have been other types of losses along my journey. My career goals have changed, but I must live with the choices I made earlier in life. I can do that and be content. There is always a possibility of a new career path opening, even for a 57-year old!

Every thing I have lost as a result of transitioning is more than offset by what I have gained.

Each friend who has left me has been replaced by several new ones, including some of the good people on the Archive. My new friends accept me exactly the way I am.

I used to hide large parts of who I am, including areas of my life that are not directly related to gender identity. Until recently, I seldom told coworkers that I have two advanced degrees. If the situation feels right, I easily mention this now. I am not trying to impress anyone, but my education is part of who I am. The truth is, I am not impressed by my education. Getting an education does not compare to accomplishments like raising children and forming loving relationships.

I share that I am an accomplished pianist and organist, when I practice, anyway! I let people see photos I have taken.

I work for a media company. I hope that as people at work find out more about who I really am, including my educational background and interests, they may put my expertise to good use in areas outside my own department. I would love that!

These days, I am very open. People like me for who I am, since I transitioned. They respond to me with enthusiasm. Some call out to me when I am not looking their way. This never happened in my 'male' life.

Coworkers and others respond to my happiness by feeling happier themselves, even if that is fleeting. They reflect what I feel now on a nearly daily basis.

My happiness and self-confidence continue to increase

as the months since I transitioned pass.

This has really surprised me.

I want to say a few things about this, because I am not sure everyone understands how this is possible. The best I can do is let you know that I am not the only transsexual person who feels this way.

This is from something I posted a few days ago:

Earlier today, I received a wonderful email from a well-known person. I mean internationally known. This trans woman shared some of her own experiences and described how they relate to what I am experiencing.

I cannot say more about this. This woman is not associated with the Archive and we had never connected before.

All I can say is that I was very moved by her letter.

I was moved when this woman contacted me because she clearly understood what I am experiencing. A small part of her note spoke of finding limits on one's life removed and of new possibilities opening. She also stated that she had arrived at a state of incredible bliss.

She perfectly described where I am at and where I am headed.

The new, positive things in my life far outweigh any losses I have sustained.

[mrt (imported)]

I did not transition so I could be sexually intimate with anyone. I transitioned so I could become who I was meant to be. If I were offered a choice between

1. living my life as a woman without GRS and the knowledge that I would never have a relationship and

2. not living full-time as a woman but having GRS and the promise of an intimate relationship

I would choose option 1.

Two comments. This is just more proof that your doing the right thing and isin't it good that you don't need to make that kind of choice?

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Yesterday was the beginning of my eighth month on estrogen. I have had significant breast development. Little children seem more interested in me than before I transitioned. Dogs are much friendlier, too!

I had lab work done two days ago to measure my

estrogen and te

stosterone levels, among other things. I w

ill see the doctor Monday, Jan. 12 to get the results. If I do not think my estrogen level is sufficiently high, I will get a seco

nd opinion. I appreciate Erica Ann's input on this.

Hi Danya,

Out of curiosity, what was your estrogen level from your blood test? My doctor, who is very experienced in treating transgendered women, has told me in the past that he wants my estrogen level to be between 400 and 450. From my last test in early December, my estrogen level was at 396.

From the time we girls start female hormone therapy, we have between 3 to 5 years to develop, or as I refer to it as our "second puberty." After this period of time, we really don't develop that much any more; therefore it is extremely important to make certain that your levels are up there enough to spur the body to develop the female characteristics.

There is so much more involved than breast development. Once your estrogen levels are correct you will also notice the following changes.

Changes in your facial features meaning an overall softening of your features to a more female like appearance.

The softening of your skin caused by the development of the thin sub-dermal layer of fat directly below your skin which is what causes a women's skin to be so much softer that a man's.

The redistribution of body fat from your middle section to your hips causing your hips to widen and take on a feminine appearance.

The rounding of your butt. Males have a more flat appearance to their behinds. You will develop that "bubble butt" or a much rounder behind that women typically have.

Increase hair growth on your head. Your hair line will move forward, thinning areas will thicken up and your hair will generally thicken all over your head.

Just some of the wonderful benefits of female HRT!

Does your doctor have you on progesterone? Progesterone will cause your breast to "fill out" and become rounder in shape. Another nice thing.

So please let me know if you need any advise on the hormone issues. I don't claim to be an expert, but from being on female HRT for a little over 3 years now, I can certainly testify as to the results.

I'm going to send you two photos to give you an idea of what I'm making reference to regarding the facial features. You won't believe the difference between now and 2-1/2 years ago in my appearance and not all of it was from my facial surgery.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Erica Ann,

It's so good to hear from you! I won't get my estrogen results until Monday evening, but I will certainly let you know what I find out. If I am unhappy with what I learn, I will get another opinion. I've located several other doctors that will work with me.

I know about the changes I can expect, and I definitely want to get your advice. I have specific questions about what I am already experiencing. I will send you a PM in a few moments and respond more to your post by Monday evening. I just got home from a house party and it's after midnight!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I am totally stressed out by work. It will be impossible for me to finish what I needed to this weekend. It's not the end of the world. I won't lose my job. Even the 'needed to' is partly my own doing. There are high expectations of what I will accomplish and I took on too much. Instead, I should have spoken with my boss and others to make it clear that what they wanted was likely not going to happen. Not over this weekend, anyway, no matter how hard I worked. Even if I had spoken up, my own supervisor's bosses have expectations and they are under pressure from the Board.

The problem is, by not finishing what I had hoped the situation will be worse than usual tomorrow. To make things more difficult, we have another consultant coming in that I have to work with. This is while I continue to work with 2 - 3 others and handle my normal job at the same time. And do difficult data extractions with no map to point the way. And help users test the new application that is part of this project. And handle complaints on another new application.

For the first time in months, I don't want to go to work Monday. The stress will be worse than it has been. I will need to continue putting in many extra hours. There is just no let up and my situation won't improve until the end of February, at the earliest.

I am glad I have a job and I will probably be back to normal by the end of the day Monday. Please forgive my griping. All I am doing is letting out my frustrations. I know many others here are dealing with worse things. I will be fine soon.

Sometimes I need to write things out and the Archive is a safe place for me to do just that.

[Danya (imported)]

I just wrote that I am feeling down and alone. As soon as I submitted that, I looked at my birthday thread. Here it is January 11, my birthday was December 30, and A-1 still wanted to wish me well.

That makes me feel very good. I need a good night's sleep so I will get to bed. Tomorrow night I will get to bed much earlier than 12:30 AM and things Tuesday will look even better.

[Danya (imported)]

Sunday night, I wrote that for the first time in months I did not feel like going into work Monday (today).

As soon as I got into the office this morning, though, I was glad to be there. People, including my boss and others, know I work hard. They were not upset that I did not finish all I had hoped this weekend.

Occasionally, I get too wrapped up in work and other activities. I can get very intense. Normally, I know when this is happening and I back off and relax. That coping mechanism failed me last night.

Now that I am back to my senses, all is well.

Early this evening, I got my latest lab results from my HRT doctor. I'll report those later this evening or tomorrow.

[Danya (imported)]

The last time I had my hormones checked was in August, 2008. I was tested again last week and got the results tonight.

1. Since August, my free testosterone dropped from 3.1 to 0.7 ng/dL. This was terrific news.

Normal values for an adult male range from 9 - 30 ng/dL.

2. My total testosterone, which is not directly related to biological activity, fell from 123 to 28 ng/dL.

A typcial adult male will test in the 240 - 950 ng/dL range.

3. My estrogen level was essentially unchanged since my last test, at roughly 70 pg/ml. This is definitely on the low side for a premenopausal woman. My doctor told me that some other doctors she knows who treat trans women do not meausre estrogen level, although they do test for testosterone. I'm not sure I quite understand the reasoning behind that, although it made sense at the time! Part of it was that the level of estrogen is not nearly as important as the physical effects that are easily measureable.

I have been on estrogen since June 6, 2008. Since then, my emotions and interests have changed dramatically. I also have signifcant physical changes, but perhaps not to the extent usually seen at 7 months.

My doctor decided

to double my dose of estrogen. I

am using the Vivelle-Dot patch. This is very expensive and my insurance has covered it so far. I hope that continues.

[mrt (imported)]

I think total Testosterone is around 6 - 86 ng/dL for women? so your level might make you a bit more randy then usual but thats not a bad thing.

I doubt the insurance will have any problem with increasing your dose and for that CONGRATS! You should really be in the pink it sounds like your Doctor is doing an excellent job. Always good to measure adjust and repeat. Please keep her informed of any symptoms that may help her juggle things.

BTW "if" you ever do have problems with insurance having your hormones compounded at a Pharmacy is fairly cheap. *Which I'm sure I've already mentioned so please ignore that!

[Danya (imported)]

I think total Testosterone is around 6 - 86 ng/dL for women? so your level might make you a bit more randy then usual but thats not a bad thing.

I doubt the insurance will have any problem with increasing your dose and for that CONGRATS!

MrT, my friend,

It is the free testosterone that matters most here, not the total T. Free T is what is available to function as testosterone does. Most testosterone, in both men and women, is bound to either Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) or albumin. The very active free testosterone is an important measurement relating to sexual function.

I wrote that free T is what's important. Free T is closely correlated with bioavailable T. T that isn't bioavailable will have no effect.

This document from the Women's Health Program at Monash University (http://womenshealth.med.monash.edu.au/d ... -women.pdf) has a chart on page 4 that indicates my free T is only about 1/10th the level typical in premenopausal women.

As I have stated before, I have little sex drive. That observation meshes perfectly with my free T results. I am fine with this. It is an expected resulted of estrogen therapy. My doctor agreed with me when I mentioned it yesterday.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

That is an excellent link and of course your right. Estrogen dominates in Testosterone.

Stay warm!

[Danya (imported)]

My insurance will cover my doubled estrogen dose. This was great news.

I wonder if I will become twice as emotional at the higher level of E? As it is now, I cry at practically anything.

I sent Christmas cards to my

family this season to let them know I was still open to hearing from them. This was my final attempt to reconnect. At the last minute, both my Caifornia and Texas br

others sent cards and my Texas

relatives (brother and his wife, my niece and nephew) sent a gift certificate.

I responded by sending the Texas clan a Christmas gift along with gift cards for my niece and nephew.

I was surprised to get a hand-written thank you note

from my Texas brother and his wife.

This is the first time they have sent a note in all the years they have been married. They started off with 'Dear Danya' and signed the note with 'Love, .....'.

Even more surprising was the thank you card from my nephew. I did not get an invitation to his high school graduation in May, 2008. He did not use any name for me in the card, but he did sign the note with 'Love,.....' I suspect he is uncomfortable addressing me by my new name. I signed the gift card I sent him with 'Love, Danya'. I thought this would let him know he need not call me Aunt Danya.

No word from my Texas niece. I have gotten along with her well her entire life, from when I first held her when she was a few weeks old. She does not normally write.

I need to decide if it is time to send my family more information about what is going on in my life.

[Danya (imported)]

It's only been a few days since my doctor doubled my estrogen dose and I can already tell the difference. The most obvious change is that my nipples are much more sensitive than they ever were on the lower dose. I mean sensitive almost to the point of being painful. This is OK, though, I can handle it. The end result will be worth it!

Another effect seems to be that I am even calmer than before. This observation is, of course, very subjective.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm not sure if I have written about this before, a side effect of estrogen that I could do without. It's not a huge problem, but I notice it even more since my estrogen dose was doubled on Monday. I have turned into a VERY late night person. It's past time to be in bed and I have felt very tired all day. Now it is nearly 1 AM and I am energized and alert. I don't want to go to bed.

Several months ago, I asked my HRT doctor if estrogen treatment could alter my biological rhythms to the extent the my normal sleep cycle would shift. She said that this could happen.

My preferred sleep time now seems to run from about 2 AM to 11 AM. That's another thing, estrogen can cause you to need more sleep. So it's not a matter of my getting by on fewer hours of sleep. Of course, there's the teenage second puberty thing thrown in to complicate the picture further.

Is it any wonder that I don't get enough sleep many nights? I often get to bed late and then have to get up at the usual time for work. When I'm at the office, I feel tired and I ask myself 'why?'. Duh!

There is another thing I just remembered. Once again, I feel cold all the time.

[Danya (imported)]

Today was the worst day I have had since I transitioned at work eight months ago. I was already stressed out from working long hours. What happened today made my stress level higher. I can't write more about this now. I may later. For now, I need to relax.

The good news today is that I received a thank you card from my niece for the Christmas gift. I relate better to her than any other member of my family. She started her note with 'Dear Aunt Danya'. She also wrote 'I love you very much and hope you are doing well'.

She is 23 and no longer lives with her parents. The envelope had her address. I will write to her.

[mrt (imported)]

I'm sorry that its uncomfortable but its a great indication that its working the way it should. Anyway congrats your truly on your way. How long have you been on HRT?

It's only been a few days since my doctor doubled my estrogen dose and I can already tell the difference. The most obvious change is that my nipples are much more sensitive than they ever were on the lower dose. I mean sensitive almost to the point of being painful. This is OK, though, I can handle it. The end result will be worth it!

Another effect seems to be that I am even calmer than before. This observation is, of course, very subjective.

[jamesmc (imported)]

Today was the worst day I have had since I transitioned at work eight months ago. I was already stressed out from working long hours. What happened today made my stress level higher. I can't write more about this now. I may later. For now, I need to relax.

The good news today is that I received a thank you card from my niece for the Christmas gift. I relate better to her than any other member of my family. She started her note with 'Dear Aunt Danya'. She also wrote 'I love you very much and hope you are doing well'.

She is 23 and no longer lives with her parents. The envelope had her address. I will write to her.

Danya, I

'm sorry for the bad day. Hopefully after a good nights rest you'll feel better. It's great to hear that your neice sent you a thank you card. It must also have felt really good for her to address you as your true self. I would like to find a female in my personal life to confide in. Just to be "one of the girls" so to speak. Sounds like your neice is understanding of your situation.

Have a great nights sleep,

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks so much for writing. A phone call from a very kind friend helped me recover from the news of the day. What happened will be an on-going contributor to my stress for some time. I will write about this when it is safe to do so.

My friend suggested that I get to bed early for a change! He was right. I will curl up under some warm blankets very soon.

I was delighted to get the card from my niece. My brother and sister-in-law and my nephew had already sent cards. They are all reaching out to me and I need to respond.

My niece and I easily reconnect when we see each other. So we are close. We view people and the world in much the same way. She is very accepting of all kinds of folks. Unfortunately, she lives nearly 1,000 miles away and we seldom have a chance to visit.

One of the best experiences I have had is just what you long for, "feeling one of the girls". The first time that happened was weeks before I transitioned. I stopped at a local bar with some female friends from work. Most of them already knew that I would be transitioning. I told the rest that night. I finally felt like I fit in with a group.

I never felt that I fit in with men. Since I transitioned, I have spent many happy moments speaking with individual women and just relaxing with groups of women. This has been a real blessing.

I will get a good night's sleep, right after my next post anyway! I want to say a few words about transitioning realties. [Addendum: I will postpone the 'transitioning realities' post so I can get to bed now. I want to discuss some of the difficulties of transitioning, but not to discourage anyone. I have never been happier. As with any change though, and transitioning is a huge change, there are gains and losses.]

I wish you the best,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm sorry that its uncomfortable but its a great indication that its working the way it should. Anyway congrats your truly on your way. How long have you been on HRT?

Greetings, MrT,

As I told my gender therapist today, I don't mind the discomfort one bit!

I have been taking estrogen for about 7 1/2 months. When I transitioned in May, I hadn't started hormones.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

This afternoon

, I saw my gender therapist for the first time in

a month. We talked about how my Real Life Experience has recently become much more intense!

Next week, my company will lay off about 7% of the people in my division. I got this news two days ago. As a single female, in the midst of puberty no less , I nearly panicked when I heard the news.

Most likely, I will not lose my job. I was laid off when I was about 31, though, so I know the pain people experience when they lose their work. I'd prefer not to experience job loss again.

I know I will feel sad for coworkers who lose their jobs next week.

[John (imported)]

Hi Danya my friend!

I will both cross my fingers and include you anew in my prayers!

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya my friend!

I will both cross my fingers and include you anew in my prayers!

Greetings

John

Hi John,

It's alway[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1211345760]
s good to hear from you. I appreciate your
[/quote]
good wishes and prayers.

When I wrote that it is unlikely I will lose my job, it wasn't merely wishful thinking. Today at lunch, my boss told me he feels my job is safe. There are several things I do to support critical corporate systems. No one else at work knows how to do most of my job.

When I was laid off over two decades ago, that company closed my entire lab. Two weeks before the announcement, a corporate VP visited to tell us everything was fine after months of uncertainty.

My point is, I won't know my own job situation for sure until lay offs are announced next week. I feel reasonably safe but I have learned anything can happen.

The announcement will probably happen before Tuesday afternoon. I will write about that next week.

Hugs,

Danya