Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

I can't go to bed without adding a few things to my last post. I'm not suddenly feeling better, by any means. But I have some confidence that I will, indeed, feel better soon. I'm going by past experience.

I just need to list some of what's going through my mind:

Tonight I don't want to be strong. I want to give up, but I won't.

I finally realize how critical gender is to identity. Feeling at home in one's gender is an essential component of happiness. I knew this long before I transitioned in my life, and it has certainly been my experience since then. I'm still not explaining this well. I feel envious of those who were born with brain-body gender congruence. I look at people who are at home in their own bodies and I grieve that I have not had that for most of my life.

I still can't find the right words and that frustrates me.

Right now, I hate my body. I will return to a better emotional place where I can deal with the reality of who I am and where I am at in my journey.

Anyone who makes the claim that GRS is merely a cosmetic procedure is ignorant. If he or she is also a medical or counseling professional, this person is doing grievous harm to those they should be helping.

GID therapy of all kinds should be covered by health insurance, just like other medical conditions.

I am as fully a woman as a person not born with a female body can be. In some ways, I may be more feminine, more of a woman, than many natal women around me. I have a deep sense that this is true but I cannot explain it. Not tonight, anyway.

Tonight, I feel that my entire life has been a lie and hardly worth the effort. I want what I can never have. The life of a girl growing up, experiencing teenage bonding, falling in love, marrying, nuturing, maturing and finally reaching old age.

I want to be clear, as I have stated before, that I look at what I write on the Archive as my diary. I need to work through these negative feelings. Part of the way I do that is through writing. Perhaps I am not past the need for the self-therapy this provides, after all.

I try to be very open about who I am and what I am experiencing. Sometimes what I'm going through is not pleasant. This just happens to be one of those times. I will recover.

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

Cheer up and be thankful for what you have been able to accomplish. You have progressed a long way toward achieving your goal. Some of us will never be able to reach that level.

Sexual stereotypes and separation are way too rigid. I know the frustration you are feeling with respect to those inappropriate parts. However, you have the possibility to do something about them. Bless you girl!

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Mac,

Thanks for your comments. You are right. I have progressed a long way toward my goal.

By the time I finished my post, late last night, I was starting to feel better. I then got a very good night's sleep.

I needed to express my negative feelings if I were to work through them. This morning, I am doing well and I am very calm. I am back to feelling positive and confident of achieving my goals.

It's good to hear from you, as always.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Last night, I was in a dark mood that I could not shake. It was so bad, I did not feel I could explain much of the 'why' behind it. It was enough to write down the experience. That helped me start to recover. Today, I am doing very well. I've returned to my 'normal' emotional state. That of a young to mid-teen girl whose emotions are, sometimes, tempered by 'wisdom' gained over a 57-year life.

My often volatile emotions are a result of the estrogen I take. I am thrilled with its physical, psychological and emotional effects.

My life has been terrific since that day over nine months ago when I transitioned to full time living as a woman. I've also noted that, amazingly (to me, at least), my life continues to get better.

This does not mean I have had no difficult times. Far from it, although the trying hours or days did not persist.

Last night was one more example of a difficult time for me, related to transitioning. It is true that I have much to be thankful for. Overall, everything has gone extremely smoothly.

I knew about the physical and, to an extent, psychological changes estrogen would induce. Those I have either welcomed or I was able to adjust to without much effort.

I had read and heard all kinds of professional and personal accounts of the emotional effects to be expected from estrogen. I was not prepared for the depth of these changes. Knowing what to expect is one thing, experiencing is another altogether.

For the most part, I love my new emotions. Not only do they feel so right, and confirm who I am, but these emotions allow me to more fully become the woman I am. All of this seems wonderful, and it is.

Becoming my "true self" goes beyond acceptance of my feminine gender. A large part of that is intellectual, although it is based on deep-rooted feelings I had even before I began estrogen treatment.

Estrogen has such a profound effect on me that I am becoming far more feminine, and so obviously a woman in emotional make up, than I had imagined possible.

When I transitioned at work, I hadn't started estrogen. I told a woman friend in the coporate Human Resources office that I would go through with my work and life transition to living as a woman, whether or not I was ever prescribed estrogen. I knew I had no choice. Once I accepted who I truly am, I could not do otherwise.

Estrogen enhances my transition and helps me to more fully become

who I was always meant to be.

But the more I express my true self, the desire for completion becomes greater. As the months pass since I began the hormone, the more of an insistent need I feel for GRS, for example.

This quote is from Transgender Care (http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance ... gender.htm):

"But the more one expresses one's true self, the desire for more becomes greater. Some individuals continue expressing themselves more and more, others panic and purge only to start again later."

I am definitely expressing myself "more and more". Unlike those purgers in the quote who panic over the self they are discovering, I have welcomed the changes to my body, mind and emotions.

There was something else going on last night, when I wrote about wanting to give up, although I knew I would not do so. What I felt was that I am becoming so completely feminine that I could never be happy without GRS. That was frightening, because surgery may still be several years off. I was close to despair.

Before I experienced the full effects of estrogen, I never imagined feeling that I absolutely must have GRS to be complete. In my interior existence I knew, after all, that I am a woman. Shouldn't that be enough?

I understand those who would say "You've already accomplished so much in your transition, be happy for that." I agree and I am very happy much of the time.

My mind and emotions, though, do not exist in total separation from my body. In the end, estrogen is a bit of a double-edged sword. I want the very desirable changes it brings. Some of those changes, however, come with a strong yearning for more. To those who have not experienced this, it must be difficult to imagine the intensity of this desire. As I wrote earlier, I was not fully prepared for this profound effect.

This is from an Australian site, GenderCentre.org (http://www.gendercentre.org.au/3article4.htm). It was written by a female-to-male person, who describes hormone-induced emotional imbalance:

"There is hanging over our heads the perpetual fear of being denied access to the physical sculpturing of our bodies. So to discuss my emotional imbalance or fear could cut off the life blood of hormone injections and sabotage any future surgical experience. I learned quickly to place a veneer of strength and balance before me. My pride fortified this outer shell by refusing to allow even my friends the knowledge that I was perpetually overwhelmed by the vastness of my undertaking. I did not, and still to a degree do not, have sufficient coping mechanisms to deal with this gender process as a whole. I can only allow myself glimpses of the complete restructuring of my life. To take in simultaneously the entire consequences of changing gender is beyond my emotional or psychological capacity."

"....each day, I go about my business placing to the rear of my conscious mind any fear or vulnerability, pretending everything is okay and that being a transgenderist* is no more mind boggling than being born gay. But it is. Gender permeates nearly every face of our society."

My gender therapist is, to my good fortune, very open to discussion of doubts and fear. Not everyone is this lucky, although I suspect this is changing.

My therapist has said to me, though, that she knows "You feel you need to be strong." I told her, in response, that "I am strong." We both know this is not always true for me, but I think in large part it is.

No matter how strong I am, though, the "vastness" of the changes in my life is mind-boggling. This is partly why I frequently comment on how surprised (even at times shocked) I am by the newness of everything. At times, like the Australian writer, I feel overwhelmed by everything that is happening. That can leave me emotionally unbalanced, for a time.

All of this works out to more explanation than most here likely want or need. Many on the Archive understand these things. Only those who have experienced the pervasive changes brought on by an estrogen (or testosterone)-aided gender change, though, can fully know what it means.

Finally, I wouldn't change anything I have done since the day I decided I must live as the person I really am, a woman. That doesn't alter the fact that this journey is a huge undertaking with surprises all along the way.

* The writer self-identifies as a transgenderist. What he writes, though, leads me to believe this is a cultural difference in definitions. He is taking testosterone and lives full-time as a man, among other clues. Whether or not he is a female-to-male transsexual, his points are pertinent.

[Danya (imported)]

This probably isn't news to most who read this thread. It is becoming clearer to me all the time what a different person I am from the old me. This goes well beyond feeling more free and confident. It seems that every aspect of who I am is affected.

It's more than who I am now, though. It's the person I am still becoming - an ongoing process as I become more authentically me. It's more extensive and startling than I suspected when I first become aware of it months ago. The old person and the new are very different and diverging further all the time.

This is related to deconstructing my former male persona. At least those parts that no longer work or fit. For good or ill, that male self had his own interests and desires that don't necessarily mesh with those of my real self.

It's exciting but it also makes me a little sad. The latter all has to do with being an 'artificial' person for decades. This doesn't mean I'm feeling upset. I'm not.

I'll come back to this topic another time.

[mrt (imported)]

Having had hormone issues where I was low, normal etc I can say that in my experience this has made me "Different" enough that there were short periods of asking "Who am I?" so I think feeling different is quite normal. As to being transgendered the time spent in the wrong mode seems just as you state it. And artificial construction done to please others. Which can never be a good idea ( i think )

[John (imported)]

This probably isn't news to most who read this thread. It is becoming clearer to me all the time what a different person I am from the old me. This goes well beyond feeling more free and confident. It seems that every aspect of who I am is affected.

It's more than who I am now, though. It's the person I am still becoming - an ongoing process as I become more authentically me. It's more extensive and startling than I suspected when I first become aware of it months ago. The old person and the new are very different and diverging further all the time.

This is related to deconstructing my former male persona. At least those parts that no longer work or fit. For good or ill, that male self had his own interests and desires that don't necessarily mesh with those of my real self.

It's exciting but it also makes me a little sad. The latter all has to do with being an 'artificial' person for decades. This doesn't mean I'm feeling upset. I'm not.

I'll come back to this topic another time.

Hi Danya!

With the risk of being rude I have to ask if you have left any traditional "male" fields of interest, cars, horseracing, soccerwatching, or something and turned to any classical "female" fields.

For instance: Are you learning to knit or doing needlework or something nowadays that you definitely "couldn´t" have done as a man.

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Having had hormone issues where I was low, normal etc I can say that in my experience this has made me "Different" enough that there were short periods of asking "Who am I?" so I think feeling different is quite normal. As to being transgendered the time spent in the wrong mode seems just as you state it. And artificial construction done to please others. Which can never be a good idea ( i think )

Hi MrT,

You are right, I constructed my male persona to please others. Most people, especially children, want to fit in. That was my motivation. It wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism, but as a child that was the best I could manage. Then my 'male persona' stuck around for many years as my preferred way of coping and attempting, never very successfully, to fit in as male adult.

Thank God I can be myself at last!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya!

With the risk of being rude I have to ask if you have left any traditional "male" fields of interest, cars, horseracing, soccerwatching, or something and turned to any classical "female" fields.

For instance: Are you learning to knit or doing needlework or something nowadays that you definitely "couldn´t" have done as a man.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I don't view your comments or questions as rude, my friend.

First, I want to state that I doubt that either stereotypically masculine or feminine interests, by themselves, can be a basis for deciding that one is transgender. There is a big overlap of interests in men and women.

Anyway, despite my efforts to fit in as a man I never had much success. Friends suggested I learn more about sports, and watch regularly, so I could discuss team scores, statistics and so on. I tried that for a week or two in my late teens, then gave up. I was bored.

The only sports I have ever enjoyed watching are some of the Olympic events.

I always had an interest in fast cars, though, and at one point I owned a sports car. Even then, people who knew me said I didn't seem to 'fit' with the car. I enjoyed it, though, and liked the fast acceleration. One night, at around 2 AM one January, I was the only car in sight on a stretch of interstate highway in the Virginia mountains. With all the curves in the road, I felt relatively certain I would not be spotted by a police office. I accelerated to a high speed and loved it. I dropped back to near the speed limit within 2 miles, though.

Another male-type interest I had was action, thriller and science fiction movies. I was always a huge 'Star Wars' fan, for instance.

Then I built more than one career in very technical fields that had few women members, for whatever reason.

Conversely, I also enjoyed needlepoint and crewel work. I spent a huge amount of time alone practising the piano and organ.

Here are a few things that have changed, particularly in the last few months.

1. I started to watch one of the 'Star Wars' movies recently. After about 5 minutes, I couldn't take any more! I turned it off.

Throughout my life, I've enjoyed romantic comedies and dramas. Now, those are about the only types that really hold my attention. The more romance involved, the better.

2. Cars - I hadn't really thought of this one until you brought it up. I have no interest now in owning a sports car and I don't think this is related to my age. Two years ago, I would have been thrilled if I had been able to purchase another sports car. Today, I'm more interested in leg room, heated seats (thanks to Erica for that one!), a decent but not overwhelming sound system, etc. I don't have those in my compact (or below) Dodge Neon, but I'm OK with that!

3. Music - since I was in 5th grade, I loved listening to, practising and performing classical music. I continued piano lessons through college, where I also had two years of music theory classes.

I took advanced organ lessons during several periods over the years. The most recent was 4 years ago, when my teacher was one of the top organ professionals in this area. In other words, I took this all very seriously.

Just to illustrate how intensely I was involved, close friends have been surprised a number of times when I could whistle different instrumental parts to a symphony, for instance, from memory. I don't do that anymore. We all know women who whistle get bad reputations!

Within the last 2 - 3 months, my interests in classical music and jazz have been less important to me. I still love these genres and continue to play the piano and, occasionally, the pipe organ.

But now, I occasionally find some of my favorite classical recordings boring, of all things! It all depends on my mood. I am increasingly interested in women vocalists (jazz, pop, rock, blues, etc.) of the latter part of the 20th century onward, and many types of music I spent little time enjoying before. Tugon first sparked my interest in women singers when he sent me some CDs.

4. My career interests, were, as I stated heavily invested in technical fields. Science and IT, to be exact.

I continue to work in a high tech area, but I don't find it nearly as interesting as I used to. I can still do technical things well, but if I had my life to do over as a woman, I would have taken a very different path. Most likely, I would have chosen a career in the humanities or, perhaps, as a therapist. Then again, I might have pursued a career in music.

I used to write occasional posts on science and technology issues right here on the Archive. If someone asked for my opinion, I am certain I could give the same type of response I gave then. I'm simply not that interested in doing so. I can't remember the last time I posted anything on science on EA, although I could look it up. Nope, not interested!

I still enjoy reading science studies in the life sciences, chemistry and physics and all of their permutations. I rarely read IT publications now, though.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

The last several days have been difficult for me. For a time Thursday evening, I was concerned my already strong, new emotions were getting out of control. These were not positive emotions, either.

It started while I was watching the moving "Antoine Fisher". This is the story of a very angry sailor who is prone to violence. He's sent to the base psychiatrist. Most of the movie is about Antoine revealing emotions he has hidden from everyone for years. They are all related to his abandonment by his mother and the major abuse he received growing up, at the hands of his foster mother. He never knew his father, who was killed by a girlfriend. In the latter part of the movie, he also reveals that he witnessed his best teenage friend being shot and killed.

By working through his emotions and, near the end of the story, finding what remained of his birth family, Antoine is able to put his anger to rest. He met his mother for the first time. It was clear she was never fit to be a mother. He was welcomed with joy by the immediate and extended family of the father he had never met.

I had a rough idea of the story line before I watched the film. I expected I would cry a little. Instead, I was sobbing and wailing - a lot. Perhaps I should have turned off the movie, but I wanted to know that Antoine's life got turned around.

Although I did not relate to Antoine's extreme anger that showed itself in his short-temper and fist fights, I related on a very deep level with his feelings of abandonment and his being abused as a child. On another level, I related to Antoine's horror at seeing his best friend being shot. I cannot go into all the details, but I connected the shooting of Antoine's friend with myown assault about 25 years ago. When the police finally arrived on the scene, things looked so bad they thought someone had been shot.

I've written here before the I was an emotionally abandoned child. This was a form of abuse. I was left to grow up on my own without the benefit of nurturing parents. My father and mother were there, physically, and they provided food and shelter. I was not accepted for who I was and they actively beat down any attempts I made to express my true self. They never laid a hand on me (although my mother physically abused one of my brothers), but their verbal assaults on who I was were real.

The person I used to be had dealt with the emotions I had about my childhood. I spoke with therapists and put in a lot of effort to forgive my parents and move on.

The intensity of my emotional response to "Antoine Fisher" frightened me. I have not felt emotions that strong since my first episode of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) in about 1989. That was five years after I was assaulted and was my own repressed anger at my attackers coming out. The fact that these strong emotions were not at all related to the happiness I write about, but grief, added to my fear that things might spiral out of control. I was concerned I might be experiencing PSTD over my childhood abandonment.

Fortunately for me, a good friend was available to talk at the late hour I called, sometime after the film was over. He is in a position to know about many of the issues transsexual (and transgender) people face. After we spoke awhile, I calmed down. He gave his view on my reaction to the movie. He said that the new me, Danya, with her very new life and feelings will have to repeat some of the work my former 'male' self had already completed to leave my past behind. I didn't tell him this, but for a moment or two I was horrified at that idea. I am convinced he is right, however, and an email response from my gender therapist about this indicates she agrees. This is fairly common in transsexual persons, many of whom had unhappy childhoods.

I have read about a type of PSTD related to the repression of a child's gender identity. It's getting too late for me to find the link tonight. I will work on that another time.

Whatever definition is used to explain my reaction to "Antoine Fisher", I know I need to discuss it with my gender therapist. She is also experienced in the treatment of PTSD. I had constructed my male persona as a way to cope. I suspect that part of that coping mechanism was at least a partial repression of how bad my childhood really was. Maybe part of the answer I had worked out was a male-type reaction of hiding my emotions to a greater extent than I realized. I need to once again deal with the anger I have about my never having a childhood. The solution that worked for my former 'male' self doesn't work for me, a much more emotional person who is different in many ways. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

I may also need to revisit my reactions to being assaulted - from my new, very female perspective. That would be very painful. A brief reminder during the movie was difficult to handle. I'm not yet convinced that I need to open the door on that experience again, but if I need to, I will.

[Danya (imported)]

I have wanted to express my sense of loss that the writer who started the Despair (

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=1

5193) thread left the group so abruptly while still sounding so hopeless. Tonight, I decided to express my feelings on that thread. I was emotionally drained after I added my own 2-cents worth there. It's painful for me to bring up memories of being assaulted. I will do that, after careful consideration, if I think there is a chance the story may help others. It's never easy, though.

On to lighter matters, for one paragraph at least. It's now 10 days until the Vernal Equinox and we are having a snowstorm here in the southern reaches of the tundra. I was joking with someone at work today that, with daylight remaining later into the evening, we'd have more time to enjoy that white stuff after work tomorrow.

This is another difficult week for me. There's more going on than I wrote about in my last post. I'm not ready to write about these other things, and I may never be. I will, however, discuss it all with my gender therapist. Typically, I see her once a month and most of the visits turn out to be not much more than a chance to have a enjoyable conversation. My visit with her this week will be different.

No part of that "more going on" stuff is a direct result of my transitioning to living my life as a woman. I'm simply a worn out, stressed out, burned out person who happens to be a transsexual woman.

[mrt (imported)]

I don't know if this is of value but being "powerless" is to many people a big piece of why an assault makes them feel vunerable later. Have you ever considered taking a self defense class? Maybe a martial arts or even a firearms class? I ahh.. Know this guy (Me) who would be glad to have you join us shooting. I'm not saying you should walk around packing a "heater" or anything but... A thought.

[Danya (imported)]

I don't know if this is of value but being "powerless" is to many people a big piece of why an assault makes them feel vunerable later. Have you ever considered taking a self defense class? Maybe a martial arts or even a firearms class? I ahh.. Know this guy (Me) who would be glad to have you join us shooting. I'm not saying you should walk around packing a "heater" or anything but... A thought.

Hi MrT,

It's good to hear from you.

My friend Tugon suggested, some months ago, that I take a self-defense class. It was a good idea then and it is a good idea now. I just haven't done it yet. Instead, I tend to stay home at night where it's 'safe'.

I have trouble imagining myself in a martial arts class, let alone ever using the techniques in self-defense. I have this picture of myself merely tapping someone on the shoulder and rendering him or her powerless, or worse. I know there's a lot more to any of the martial arts. This is a good idea, though. I first need to adjust my thinking on it.

I am surprised, for some reason I find the idea of firearms training appealing. I have never fired a gun and I definitely would not want to carry one. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I have ever touched a gun or rifle.

To practice shooting, though, sounds like fun. I cannot believe my reaction to this idea! Let me give this some thought and I'll get back to you.

I need to heed both your advice and Tugon's on this self-defense training.

Hugs,

Danya

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I think that the idea of a self-defense class is a good one. Rather than enrolling in a martial arts class I suggest one of the shorter, more on point self-defense classes offered to women at the YWCA, school district or community center. --FLO--

[Danya (imported)]

I think that the idea of a self-defense class is a good one. Rather than enrolling in a martial arts class I suggest one of the shorter, more on point self-defense classes offered to women at the YWCA, school district or community center. --FLO--

Hi Flo,

It's alway[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1211345760]
s good to hear from you. I appreciate your
[/quote]
suggestion on types of self-defense courses. I will look into local offerings. I'm sure I can find something similar to what you suggest.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I am doing much better, emotionally, than I have been for most of the last 7 - 10 days. Both yesterday and today were very good days.

Thursday afternoon, I saw my gender therapist. We had a very good hour together. I described my strong emotional response to the movie "Antoine Fisher" and how it brought back the feelings of abandonment I had as a child. I explained how I had worked through these feelings in my 30s, while I was still that other person. The male person who was not truly me.

I am a different person today, really in many ways a new person - a woman. I have different feelings, a different psychology and new interests. Now, I see my childhood in a new way, too, and I need to find another path through the pain of that long ago time.

We discussed how I am working through these feelings and the actions I am taking to restore my equilibrium. I need to work through my grief, and not repress my emotions, but I don't want things to spiral out of control in the process. I told her how I am managing that.

She was very kind and said a number of affirming things. She also told me I am taking the right approach.

Several other things helped lift my spirits. Some migrating birds have started to appear. I've heard them chattering the last few morning. The snow is melting. The temperature may reach into the 50s over the next several days, too. Spring is almost here (the vernal equinox occurs on Friday, March 20).

We might still get a significant snowfall later in the month or even in April. There will be more cold days ahead but warmer days are on the way. I am looking forward to the chance to get out and go skating. That may come by late April.

[John (imported)]

We might still get a significant snowfall later in the month or even in April. There will be more cold days ahead but warmer days are on the way. I am looking forward to the chance to get out and go skating. That may come by late April.

Hi!

That´s great, as a woman you do it in figureskates i guess, would think they are easier to wear than hockeyskates as you have those teeths in the front.

Greetings

John

[mrt (imported)]

I've seen what real experts can do with Martial Arts and its impressive. I think a basic self defense class however is far more simple. Think choice places to disable a person and learning that running away really fast and screaming for help is the best bet.

Fair fights are rare. Fight dirty!

I know there are a lot of heavy thoughts on firearms but mine are pretty simple. Its fun! I just go target shooting at a range. I think guns are tools. They make holes in things far away and as a weapon are pretty good.

Frankly I wish everyone was more familiar with them from an early age and knew them well enough to know what to do with them.

Hi MrT,

It's good to hear from you.

My friend Tugon suggested, some months ago, that I take a self-defense class. It was a good idea then and it is a good idea now. I just haven't done it yet. Instead, I tend to stay home at night where it's 'safe'.

I have trouble imagining myself in a martial arts class, let alone ever using the techniques in self-defense. I have this picture of myself merely tapping someone on the shoulder and rendering him or her powerless, or worse. I know there's a lot more to any of the martial arts. This is a good idea, though. I first need to adjust my thinking on it.

I am surprised, for some reason I find the idea of firearms training appealing. I have never fired a gun and I definitely would not want to carry one. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I have ever touched a gun or rifle.

To practice shooting, though, sounds like fun. I cannot believe my reaction to this idea! Let me give this some thought and I'll get back to you.

I need to heed both your advice and Tugon's on this self-defense training.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Hi!

That´s great, as a woman you do it in figureskates i guess, would think they are easier to wear than hockeyskates as you have those teeths in the front.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

The kind of skating I'm talking about is inline skating on my Rollerblades. They have wheels. I had roller skated as a kid and so I thought inline skating would be easy when I first tried it in about 1997. I was wrong! I kept at it, though, and I skate well now. I hope to get up to 25 - 30 miles at a time this summer. I like to go very fast, too.

I haven't been ice skating since I was in college. I had a very good pair of figure skates then.

Take care,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I've seen what real experts can do with Martial Arts and its impressive. I think a basic self defense class however is far more simple. Think choice places to disable a person and learning that running away really fast and screaming for help is the best bet.

Fair fights are rare. Fight dirty!

I know there are a lot of heavy thoughts on firearms but mine are pretty simple. Its fun! I just go target shooting at a range. I think guns are tools. They make holes in things far away and as a weapon are pretty good.

Frankly I wish everyone was more familiar with them from an early age and knew them well enough to know what to do with them.

Hi MrT,

The director of my division at work, a woman, had suggested a whistle last fall. I agree with running away and screaming for help. My problem is that I have trouble believing anyone would want to hurt me, despite my being assaulted in 1984.

A self-defense course would be useful, I hope, to help make me more realistic about this type of thing. There are people who would want to hurt me, even if I am a random victim (or potential victim.) Some easy methods to help thwart an attack, when running away and screaming is not an option, would be very useful.

Hugs,

Danya

[paulault (imported)]

Hi Danya, doesn't matter if I'm Paula or him i seem to be much more aware of my surroundings these days and cautious, i always have my car keys ready by the time i get to my car, doesn't matter if it's daytime or nighttime. I took Judo when i was small but didn't keep at it and even if i did not sure how much damage i could do seeing i have lost some strength. There are people that want to hurt us weather we are Transsexual or not, seems before i transitioned i was not as aware as i am now and that's a good thing. Yelling or screaming, running away or blowing a whistle are good ideas, ones the police and experts say to do, i bike ride all summer and even though i go pretty fast i always keep an eye out for danger.

Paula.

[mrt (imported)]

I think criminals seek easy targets. Thus women rather then men. Old people rather then young. When Florida passed its "carry" laws for guns my very anti gun friend said "I was wrong" which was maybe the second time in history. Apparently they had a "Show us your handgun" (like the Saturday Night Live skit) and showed a few very very old ladies with firearms. Crime went down quickly except for those done against tourists. *They being the one group known to NOT be armed.

I was up in Canada which has very strong anti gun laws including no one being allowed to even own pistols and revolvers. Naturally there IS gun crime and pretty regular murders. I tried talking to some Canadians about this and was told "its the fault of the US for not following the same laws they have"

I was a bit insulted. This being a bit like blaming a building for housing crack dealers. Anyway... I'm way off tangent. Being Female = a greater risk of assult (I think) as sad as that is to say. I trained my oldest girl how to shoot and she is a black belt. Anyone doing anything to her against her wishes will probably be in traction. *I hope!

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya, doesn't matter if I'm Paula or him i seem to be much more aware of my surroundings these days and cautious, i always have my car keys ready by the time i get to my car, doesn't matter if it's daytime or nighttime. I took Judo when i was small but didn't keep at it and even if i did not sure how much damage i could do seeing i have lost some strength. There are people that want to hurt us weather we are Transsexual or not, seems before i transitioned i was not as aware as i am now and that's a good thing. Yelling or screaming, running away or blowing a whistle are good ideas, ones the police and experts say to do, i bike ride all summer and even though i go pretty fast i always keep an eye out for danger.

Paula.

Hi Paula,

It's so nice to hear from you. I hope you are doing well.

Since my first solo trip to Manhattan, in about 1974, I have always had my car keys at the ready long before I reach my car, even if I'm in the country. My future mother-in-law of my now ex-wfe gave me that tip. She had another which I no longer need: Keep your wallet in a front pants pocket. Makes it harder for pickpockets!

Speaking of cars, another good thing is to check the back seat when you get in. You want to be sure no one is hiding there.

I appreciate your advice. As I said, my problem is accepting that someone would choose to hurt me. When I was assaulted, by several people, I stood there while they attacked and said something like "What's going on, can't we talk about this?" I am totally serious about this. That was my response. I won't attempt to explain it. If my ex-wife had not run into the middle of this, pulled on my arm and told me to run, I might not be here today. Fortunately, there was one bystander attempting to hold off my attackers as we fled to our car. This is the first time I've written anything about this without crying. Now, I am totally calm. I'm not sure what that means either. Maybe nothing more than I'm still recovering from a bad cold. I'm feeling a bit out of it.

I would hope I would be more street savy now. I am more careful when I go out alone and very aware of my surroundings. Still, I need to keep in mind the things you an

d others are saying about being safe.

Hugs,

Danya

...Being Female = a greater risk of assult (I think) as sad as that is to say. I trained my oldest girl how to shoot and she is a black belt. Anyone doing anything to her ag

ainst her wishes will probably be in traction. *I hope!

Greetings MrT,

I won't address the gun issue (i.e., carrying concealed weapons with a license) tonight in part because I don't have the energy! I also don't want to turn this thread into a discussion of the pros and cons of gun ownership.

All I will say is this. I knew someone whose house was broken into. His wife was home alone at the time. If she had not had a gun and killed the intruder, she very likely would have been killed herself. This guy had already murdered several people. I'm still not sure I would ever carry a weapon. Target practice is something else.

I agree, women are more likely to be attacked than men. You have done your daughter a service by seeing that she was trained to defend herself.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm starting to have a problem that I need to solve soon. Let's just say it involves a certain leftover male appendage that I'd rather not have. I have to live with it, for now at least, and lately it has been causing problems. This is, strangely enough, a result of it's being somewhat smaller than it used to be. Yuck! I can't say more about it than that. I may be contacting Erica Ann soon for advice on this. Not that she has to worry about it herself, not since her surgery in September at least. Besides, Erica Ann knows a lot about all kinds of issues that I must face.

As I thought about this problem, I remembered hearing about 'tucking'. So I did a search and came up with nothing that seemed very useful, unless I wanted to... Well, never mind for now!

I found something very interesting, though, that had no more than a brief reference to tucking. It's from an essay by the writer/director of the movie "Transamerica", Duncan Tucker. (http://www.movienet.com/transamerica.html) I've added my own comments in bold font.

A brief transsexual lexicon by Duncan Tucker

High Intensity Transsexual: Twenty people out of every million. Someone motivated to undergo the cosmetic and medical procedures necessary to change their sex. This number may be WAY too low, Duncan. Please refer to the Lynn Conway paper I site elsewhere on the EA (

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=13

632&highlight=Gender+identity+development&page=2)

Transgendered: Anyone who doesn't sit in the center of the boat.

Gender Dysphoria (aka Gender Identity Disorder, or GID): A state in which one's anatomy does not correspond to one's gender.

SRS: Sexual Reassignment Surgery. The cure for gender dysphoria.

MTF (Male to Female) Transsexual: A Woman made by God with a little help, from Man. An MTF transsexual is sometimes called a transwoman. I am absolutely convinced I was created by God (or some higher power) as a woman. I am loved. I am not an abomination. I do have a birth defect that could use some serious corrective action. Part of that is underway with aid from Humans (versus Duncan's 'Man')

FTM (Female to Male) Transsexual: A Man made by God with a little help, from Woman. An FTM transsexual is sometimes called a transman. Also a loved creation of God. My only problem here is I can understand why someone in a woman's body identifies as male in gender. I know why these individuals would want to correct their bodies to match their core gender identity. Emotionally, though, I just don't get it. I'm going to a lot of trouble to go the other direction!

Transpeople: Human beings who happen to be trans.

Trannie: A word best used only if you are one. If then. I'm not sure on this one, Duncan, although I know you interviewed lots of trans folks as you wrote your screenplay. It may be just me, but when I identified as gay I didn't see the point of gay guys addressing each other as 'homo' or 'fag' either. Yes, Duncan, I've read all about that stuff about pre-empting the negative language of the oppressors.

Transvestite: Clothes make the woman.

Intersexual: A person with partially or fully developed male and female sexual organs. The term "intersexual" is preferred to "hermaphrodite." This is a much more common condition than most people realize.

Transsensual: Sexual attraction to transpeople. Although, on an emotional level, I simply cannot fathom why someone with a wonderful woman's body would want to be a man, I'd still be thrilled by the attention of any man, trans or not.

Passing: What happens when others take you for what you truly are. This is a good thing, but not essential to one's happiness as a trans person. That is, if you view 'passing' solely as looking like a natural born woman (or man). We tend to idealize what this looks like, when in fact many natal women don't look anything close to our own ideal. Similarly, many genetic males look rather feminine. Knowing who you are, feeling it in your soul, and self-confidence are the most important things. With these, people will tend to see you for the woman (or man) you are even if you are far from whatever the ideal woman (or man) looks like. Makeup helps, especially for transwomen.

Being read: What happens when they do not. I will admit it. I've been happy when told I 'pass' well. There have been times when I have not passed well, though, like when I have some obvious facial hair under strong overhead lights. This happened a few weeks ago at my eye examination. I basically said, to hell with it, I'm me no matter what the eye doctor may think. He was very polite.

G.G. ("genetic girl" or "genuine girl"): A term used by women of trans experience in referring to women of the other sort.I can live with the 'genetic girl' part, but (excuse me, Duncan) I feel entirely genuine.

Genetically Gifted: For an MTF, being of small stature, with small hands and feet, delicate features and a slender frame. For an FTM, the opposite.Again, I will fess up here. While I am probably 'genetically gifted' in some areas, I'm not in others. I would love to have fuller lips, for instance. I'm not losing sleep over not having better lips, though, nor is this keeping me at home.

Proper pronouns: Respect and metaphysics dictate the use of pronouns that correspond with the gender as which the referenced person self-identifies. A male to female transsexual woman is always "she," never "he," and vice versa. I have a strong suspicion that some people have a genetic predisposition toward proper pronoun usage. There are people I know who get this immediately and never get it wrong. Others, well.....perhaps some gene therapy might help. They never seem to catch on, consistently.

Tucking: A temporary measure.Duncan, some instructions would have been nice. Other than those in the next part. Does that really work? Seems kind of lame to me. I may give it a try.

How to tuck: Stand with your legs apart. Push the penis and testicles down and back, then bring the legs firmly together. Hitch up your pantyhose and reinforced girdle to bind and moor all loose objects to the pelvic hull.

Monthly nosebleeds: vicarious menstruation. I have not heard of this one before. At this point in my development, I can live without it quite easily.

Baldness: a genetic defect that can sometimes be corrected with estrogen therapy.

Baldness: a genetic gift that can sometimes be acquired with testosterone therapy.

Sexuality: Who you desire and, according to some, what you do about it. Sexuality is unrelated to gender identity. True, although I suspect there is some overlap. This idea may get me into trouble with the authorities.

Sex: Something easier to change than your sexuality.

Normal: A concept largely irrelevant to anyone's life. It took me way too long to accept this one.

From elsewhere in this essay:

"Stealth Transsexual: A transsexual secret agent. You might be sitting next to one."

"Two Kinds of People:

1) People who think there are two kinds of people.

2) The other kind."

[paulault (imported)]

Ah yes Tucking, well thanks to being diabetic and the meds i have to take from when i had my heart attack in 2001 i have severe ED and MR. unhappy never comes to life and has really shrunk, none of the Ed meds worked either. The boys have shrunk to less than half their original size from the anti-androgens. I can push Mr unhappy inside and put a piece of medical tape over him and it eliminates the slight bulge i have normally, of course that means you have to be shaved down there or in my case all hair has been permanently removed, but most of the time i don't bother. Actual tucking is not an option cause everything is too small, i assume you have a similar issue.

Paula.