I was having a very difficult time of it the last half of the weekend. Erica Ann came to the rescue recently for my emotional overload troubles and really helped. I will call her soon.
My problem was of a different sort this weekend, at least initially. Communicating with my friend Tugon, and then simply hearing MrT's voice on a message, helped lift my spirits.
By this evening, I realized for a teenager (emotionally and psychologically, not chronologically), living alone can be a frightening experience.
Sometimes, I need help from folks who are not only adults but adults in their emotional responses. Fortunately, the help of a number of friends (Erica Ann, Tugon, Jesus and others who have helped along the way like Kristoff and supportive posters) is enough of a shove to get my 57 year old brain back in the driver's seat. At least for a time.
Kristoff and MrT were there with me in the weeks before I transitioned, calming my anxiety about giving up the stable, if unfulfilling and unhappy, existence I had know for decades for the uncertainty of being Danya.
Earlier today, I followed some of the advice I have given others when they are feeling down. I got all dressed up, first of all, and that alone was a huge help in relieving my anxiety. I always feel calm when I look like, well, me.
Then I got out of the house and did a few things to interact with people. I spent some money to do this, although I did not charge anything on a credit card. My first stop was brunch. These days, I rarely go out to eat, it's just not something I can afford to do on a regular basis. So brunch was a special treat. I was nearly finished eating when I realized I didn't have my wallet with me! Fortunately, I had a check which they accepted. We emotional teenagers, this one anyway, can be quite irresponsible when it comes to being sure we have everything we need when we go out.
I need to make an effort to get out more on the weekends as this is the time when I usually run into emotional upheavals. I'm talking about major insecurities, at times, like "Does anyone like me?".
I remember my niece asking the same type of question when she went through puberty. She had lots of other emotional hang-ups amazingly similar to what I am now experiencing!
So I need to work things better for weekends. I need to be around adults my own age, at least of a similar chronological age. I don't need to tell them that I'm, at times, the emotional equivalent of a teenager.
When I am with people, I am invariably OK with myself and where I am going.
When I am at the office I am fine, content and happy. I am also assertive and very confident in who I am. On the weekends, when I am alone, there are times when I feel like someone simply must tell me that I am OK, the boys don't all dislike me, I'll grow up to be quite a nice woman, I really am a capable person, my boobs will fill out, I'll make some lucky man a wonderful wife and I'll have wonderful children of my own who will bug me, in their teens, just as much as I am bugging certain people now.
I don't seriously expect to find a man, but you never know. I can state with certainty that I will never have children, wonderful or not.
I am blessed with wonderful friends who know where I'm coming from and are not bothered by my emails and calls.
The longer I am on estrogen, though, and the more feminine I feel it is becoming much clearer how I am a woman in every way I can be, given the limitations of my body right now. I recently read the text of a speech Marci Bowers gave at a meeting of the American Psychological Association. She stated exactly what I am feeling. GRS will allow me to feel whole, although by itself it is not the answer. Knowing beyond a doubt who I am is. She added that this completion is the important aspect about GRS. Sexuality is secondary. She noted that 60% of her patients never experience sex with a man after GRS. For those that do, it's terrific. The main thing her patients value is a feeling of things finally being set right.
Part of my insecurity right now is the uncertainty of when I will have GRS. Erica Ann's suggestion was an excellent one. I had a great day Saturday working on ways to make that happen. What I need to overcome to get this to happen is my tendency to want to go in too many directions. I enjoy doing a number of things that I can make money working at. I have made money doing these before, too. I really need to focus on a single method to bring in more money, though. Initially, I thought I could work on three things, then two. I need to get real about this. One area of concentration, maybe with a minor dabble into something else, is all I can hope for.
I also want results, now - if not sooner.
I've always tended to be this way. In the past, though, I was able to step back and look at things logically. I would get where I wanted by taking a number of steps. Even if it took years to reach a difficult goal such as education. I was very patient then, once I accepted the reality of what was required to reach my goal.
Here again, I need to be reasonable, and also gentle with myself. It will take time to start bringing in extra money, especially these days. I can still get to where my heart is leading me.
This past week, I made an effort to reconnect with friends both at the office and away from work. I've already made plans with two of them for this week.
Friday night I stopped at a local gay bar. Someone who used to chair a committee I was on at church plays the piano there Friday evenings. He did not know about my transition so he had never seen me. He no longer attends the same church. I struck up a conversation with him and we had a wonderful time talking and catching up on each other's life.
Before I transitioned, it was much more difficult for me to get excited about meeting with friends. I enjoyed entertaining guests at home and that was about it. My attempts at anything else were sort of lame. The truth is, people back then did not get nearly as excited about getting together with me as they do now. Since becoming Danya, my real self, I want to be with people more and I am much more enthusiastic. People pick up on this and genuinely show an interest in spending time with me.
There have been people who have left the company who have gone out of their way to keep in touch with me. This never happened before I transitioned. Two of these people write to me and I never met them when they were coworkers. They lived in Florida and California. I still haven't met them.
All this leads me to the logical, if unemotional, conclusion that I am on the right track and things are going very well. I need to be reasonable and not be overly hard on myself. Everything that I seek will happen. I just need to work for it and be patient. Patience is very difficult for this adult going through her first female puberty. I've got to relearn this sometime. Friends will help me.
, such as yours. Somehow, I am unable to think of them as mine, or refer to them by name.
No matter how out of touch with reality the project planners are.
Or is there a fear that, with GRS coverage, all sorts of employees would suddenly decide a new vagina or penis is just what they've been missing? 
Doesn't this stupid stuff just make you want to scream?!