Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Danya you've really got a great eye for detail that is apparent in your pictures. The level of detail, the way it's framed, its all just right. You could open your very own hallmark line even

Hi Punkypink,

I'm glad you wrote and I really appreciate your kind remarks. Who knows, maybe someday I'll give Hallmark a run for their money.

I hope things continue to go well for you.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

My work situation continued to deteriorate Friday. Late last year, my boss acknowledged the excessive demands on my time and apologized. He said he hoped that would get better soon. It has gotten worse, not better. I put in five hours remotely this morning. That's all I can write about this, I'm too upset about it.

Not that I won't recover. Late this afternoon, I went to church to practice the pipe organ for tomorrow's service. It doesn't take long for me to get totally involved in the music and feel free from my cares. When I am performing music myself, I soon feel that I am one not only with the music but with the instrument, too. Nothing else exists for me when I'm in this beautiful space.

It will be even better tomorrow because I really enjoy playing hymns and liturgy where people will sing.

It's good I got out of the house. I dressed nicely and this always relaxes me. So did the chocolate martini I had on the way to practice.

Life is not always easy for any of us. Although this is a very stressful time for me, I am still happy that at last I am being myself - Danya.

During the period of my life when I identified as gay, that identity never felt right.

When I first started this transition process, I had occasional but short-lived times of doubt. This is normal because crossing the gender divide is quite a leap.

Those doubts have not returned now for many months. I am comforted by this knowledge.

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

hang in there girl. You are one of the lucky ones and have already gone a long way toward your ultimate goal. Life can only get better for you. What are your future plans?

My work situation continued to deteriorate Friday. Late last year, my boss acknowledged the excessive demands on my time and apologized. He said he hoped that would get better soon. It has gotten worse, not better. I put in five hours remotely this morning. That's all I can write about this, I'm too upset about it.

...........

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

hang in there girl. You are one of the lucky ones and have already gone a long way toward your ultimate goal. Life can only get better for you. What are your future plans?

Hi Mac,

It's good to hear from you and it's always nice to get some encouraging words.

I am hanging in there and more people at the office are recognizing how much I am doing. This doesn't reduce my workload, but it does alleviate some of my stress.

Today, a colleague in another department wrote me a sweet email asking how I am doing at work and in my personal life. He added that he knows I am being 'asked' to do far too much. I am hopeful my work load will start to slacken, to an extent, by mid-July.

When I am feeling particularly stressed out by my job, I take action to makes things better. This is an ongoing process that is starting to pay off.

I just got home from a very relaxing evening spent with an Archive friend.

Playing the pipe organ at church Sunday was also very relaxing. Many people paid me very nice compliments after the service.

You are absolutely correct, Mac. I am one of the lucky ones and I know that. Despite stress from several sources, my life still manages to get better. I'm not quite sure how this is possible, but I am glad for it.

I'll write more about my future plans another time. I need to get to bed.

I just remembered something I wanted to report. Someone at church Sunday said they needed to hold a fund-raiser to help defray my GRS costs. A producer I know offered to do the same thing a month or so ago. I need to follow up on these offers.

Thanks for writing.

Hugs,

Danya

[paulault (imported)]

Danya, i know how the work load goes sometimes but consider this to the bosses you get the job done while possibly others might not, in their eyes this makes you indispensable at the moment, if and when more cuts happen you won't be at the top of the list. What many employers don't realize is we who transition in the workplace actually increase our productivity, this may be due to feeling at ease with who we are or working harder to prove ourselves.

You are doing things to alleviate your stress, going out with friends and playing the organ at church, i do activities that relieve stress too, bowling and going out with friends, like you do.

Wow a fund raiser, you really do have many people that think you are a really special person not because you are trans but because you are you.

I totally agree you are well along towards your goal, although we started HRT about the same time i won't go full time till early next year, that's my plan and I'm on schedule.

Paula

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, i know how the work load goes sometimes but consider this to the bosses you get the job done while possibly others might not, in their eyes this makes you indispensable at the moment, if and when more cuts happen you won't be at the top of the list. What many employers don't realize is we who transition in the workplace actually increase our productivity, this may be due to feeling at ease with who we are or working harder to prove ourselves.

You are doing things to alleviate your stress, going out with friends and playing the organ at church, i do activities that relieve stress too, bowling and going out with friends, like you do.

Wow a fund raiser, you really do have many people that think you are a really special person not because you are trans but because you are you.

I totally agree you are well along towards your goal, although we started HRT about the same time i won't go full time till early next year, that's my plan and I'm on schedule.

Paula

Hi Paula,

It's great to hear from you. I agree that my productivity has gone up.

Unfortunately, though, I may in fact lose my job by the end of next week. This is all very political. A large part of the problem is that all but one of the people who know how very hard I've been working for at least the last 18 months were either laid off or decided to leave on their own. The remaining person, my former boss, knows how I have slaved away at all of this. He was stunned when he heard what went on today.

Even the other department I chiefly collaborate with finally gets how hard I've been working. This was a result of one of the supervisors sitting in on a 5 hour meeting with me and one of our consultants.

This was an eye-opener for him. He now tells me the company expects far too much from me. Today he told me I need to rest. Several other people in the other department tell me I need time off. That would be great but the truth is it won't fly with my own management. The new folks are totally clueless as to my real contributions.

We were given permission last summer to hire a person to help me for this problem project and we interviewed a number of candidates. At that point, we were unable to find anyone with experience in this very new, and different version of this extremely expensive software system. Then we had a hiring freeze so we didn't interview anyone else.

Strangely enough, I am feeling confident of my situation no matter what happens with my job. If I lose my job, I'm sure I'll have difficult moments, but I have been through some very difficult situations before and thrived, in the end.

I also have an advantage now that I did not when I first became me at the office. I have lot's of cool, supportive friends right here on the Archive.

I would not have felt this confidence under the same work situation before I started this transition journey. Losing my job would present quite a challenge but it would also provide an opportunity. And I would be free of what my former boss views as an environment that 'sucks' at a company that has lost its spirit.

A note to anyone I owe photos, letters or anything else: I apologize, but I am just too busy right now to do anything other than make my situation work, whatever the outcome for my job.

Paula, I'm delighted you wrote.

Hugs,

Danya

[plix (imported)]

*Hugs*

I am sorry to hear that you may lose your job. I really hope that you do not, and that things turn out well.

But no matter what happens, you have love and support from me and many of your others friends here at the EA.

I am also confident that no matter what life tosses your way, you have the strength to get through it and come out stronger.

[tugon (imported)]

Danya,

I can hear the stress in your voice when we talk. I hope things improve for you at your current job or a better job is waiting for you that will appreciate all your skills and abilities. You know how to reach me 24/7.

Hugs,

[John (imported)]

Hi Danya!

You know where to reach me over the computer if you need support!

Greetings with fingercrossing

John

[Danya (imported)]

*Hugs*

I am sorry to hear that you may lose your job. I really hope that you do not, and that things turn out well.

But no matter what happens, you have love and support from me and many of your others friends here at the EA.

I am also confident that no matter what life tosses your way, you have the strength to get through it and come out stronger.

Hi Plix,

I really appreciate your words of support. If I lose my job I will be fine, just as you say. [Although I may have a few rough moments.] The reality is, my work environment is very unhealthy.

I'll write more about the situation when I have time. For now,

I've got to do more work from home.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

I can hear the stress in your voice when we talk. I hope things improve for you at your current job or a better job is waiting for you that will appreciate all your skills

and abilities. You know how to reach me 24/7.

Hugs,

Hi Tugon,

I appreciate your constant friendshi

p. I will absolutely call you if I need to talk, even just to hear a few friendly words.

Hugs,

Danya

Hi Danya!

You know where to reach me over the computer if you need support!

Greetings with fingercrossing

John

Hi John,

As always, I am glad to hear from you. Thanks for the good wishes and your continuing support.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Just a brief update for tonight.

The last 10 days or so have been one of the the most difficult times of my life. What has helped get me through this is the support of terrific friends both here and in the non-virtual world. Some support has come from surprising places.

The result at the end of this week is that I feel more empowered than I ever thought possible

under extremely trying circumstances.

In fact, I may feel more empowered now than ever before in my life.

In a way I did not anticipate, starting my transition prepared me for this difficult time. In order to transition, I let go of fear of the unknown and my transition experience has been far more wonderful than I had thought possible.

Now I am doing the same thing with my life and changes in letting go of fear.

I saw my gender therapist Thursday and she commented again that she is impressed by my inner strength. I was crying when she said this, so I asked how she could say I am strong when I was crying. The thing is, I needed to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It would have been dangerous if I had suppressed my emotions. I know that from a very intense personal experience several decades ago.

What may never come is supportive words from my family. I emailed them several days ago to let them know what was going on. I explained that I'd like to know I could count on their emotional support in what is a difficult time.

I haven't heard anything back from them. I still may but I realized when I wrote that how they respond (or do not) would reveal how they truly feel about me and my transition. Sending a Christmas card is one thing (and that from a great distance). Offering emotional support is something else entirely. I haven't given up on them but I already feel at peace with the thought that I may never hear from them.

I will write a more complete account of what is going on Tuesday evening. I do not want to say anything else now.

[Danya (imported)]

I was feeling very strong Friday. I have struggled to maintain that outlook and have not succeeded well.

All I can say right now is I feel like I may have to give up myself, being me, to continue to survive in the world (food, shelter, etc.). At the same time, I know I cannot stop being me any more than a natal female could. Nor do I want to.

The fact is, transphobia compounds the difficulties of finding a job in this economy.

There are more details that I cannot go into now that further complicate my situation. The end result is I know I am a risky mental state. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I have not felt this depressed in a number of years. I feel like I am losing my sense of self that is tied in with being able to pay my way through life. I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this. I'm trying to take things one step at a time but most of yesterday and today that hasn't been working.

In early 2007, I started a new antidepressant that totally lifted my life-long major depression. That depression is starting to return and I cannot allow that to continue. I hope that a higher dose of the medicine will help.

I've still had no word in response to my Wednesday email seeking some emotional support from my family.

[Danya (imported)]

I was feeling very strong Friday. I have struggled to maintain that outlook and have not succeeded well.

All I can say right now is I feel like I may have to give up myself, being me, to continue to survive in the world (food, shelter, etc.). At the same time, I know I cannot stop being me any more than a natal female could. Nor do I want to.

The fact is, transphobia compounds the difficulties of finding a job in this economy.

There are more details that I cannot go into now that further complicate my situation. The end result is I know I am a risky mental state. ...

Part of my problem is I am still going through the shock phase over what has happened in my life. I may have mentioned this in another post. I need to reach the point where I get angry and use my anger to energize myself to take very positive, constructive, assertive steps to get where I need to be.

I can do this, I have in the past in a very dire situation. I hope I can again.

[John (imported)]

Part of my problem is I am still going through the shock phase over what has happened in my life. I may have mentioned this in another post. I need to reach the point where I get angry and use my anger to energize myself to take very positive, constructive, assertive steps to get where I need to be.

I can do this, I have in the past in a very dire situation. I hope I can again.

Hi my friend!

What should I do to annoy you enogh to make you angry? It feels odd to ask the question but I do nevertheless for your good.

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Hi my friend!

What should I do to annoy you enogh to make you angry? It feels odd to ask the question but I do nevertheless for your good.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I appreciate your offer!

As it is, this place of constructive anger is something I can only reach on my own. I'm working on it and I'll get there somehow.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

First, I want to thank the friends who have thoughtfully listened to me today and over the last 10 days. I know it can be stressful to listen to my situation.

The emails, posts and phone calls keep alive a social connection I am often missing on weekends and evenings, since I live alone. These connections are a huge help to me, even if thiis is not immediately apparent to anyone else.

Although my mental state is not good this weekend, I'm not moping around by any means. I'm actively looking at a number of options to continue on my life path in the direction I want.

The fact is, this is an extraordinarilly stressful time for me. I will get through it.

[John (imported)]

Hi John,

I appreciate your offer!

As it is, this place of constructive anger is something I can only reach on my own. I'm working on it and I'll get there somehow.

Hugs,

Danya

Another question to you on the outside of all my clubs here at home?

If there was a prize in the spring 2010 for those members who had done most hours during their free-time would you think it was fair to "sell" it among the members who work.

I got an idea today that we as a club among us Tramdrivers/conductors could compete about a prize of a flying in ballon over Göteborg as one of the members has a ballon that could be used.

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Another question to you on the outside of all my clubs here at home?

If there was a prize in the spring 2010 for those members who had done most hours during their free-time would you think it was fair to "sell" it among the members who work.

I got an idea today that we as a club among us Tramdrivers/conductors could compete about a prize of a flying in ballon over Göteborg as one of the members has a ballon that could be used.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

Sounds like a great idea to me. If this is something you want to do, go for it.

I think I've solved the puzzle of how to get anger going for me. Explanation is in my next post, coming soon. This has worked before, somewhat in reverse order, but should still do the trick now.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

While I'm still adjusting to my situation, my overall mental state is improving. Of course, I will have some set backs. On the other hand, I have been taking action to make things better and I will become more proactive in the days ahead.

After a 50 minute walk this evening (exercise always helps my mood) I played the piano for the first time in two weeks. This is a very good sign that I am on the mend.

Friends near and far have been very kind and helpful. I am very fortunate to have such terrific people in my life.

[Danya (imported)]

I spoke with a someone this evening who was one of my first friends to see the real me, Danya. This was at a dinner party at my home and before I transitioned at work.

I reminded him that as soon as he saw me, he commented on how happy I was and that he had never seen me like that before. Tonight he told me that if I had the courage to transition, changing a job or even a career is relatively minor. I agree, although I would add emphasis to the word relatively.

This was the same evening a young straight friend hugged me as he left for home. I wrote a post on this sometime last year.

On the other hand, on Sunday I spoke with my English trans woman friend yesterday. She described my situation as the supreme test, to which I responded that this is a really, REALLY, real real life experience. Nonetheless, I believe that all of this will turn out to be a positive experience in the end.

Just as I had to let go of fear to become my real self, I am letting go of fear now (or at least working toward that goal.) What I also had to do to transition was to cease my tendency to analyze my every move. So not only did I let go of fear, but I also surrendered to what my feelings were telling me was the right path. This gave me the freedom to come as far as I have.

A close friend here told me that there are now many possibilities open to me. All I need do is seek them out. He is absolutely correct. He also noted I might have rough times ahead but that everything will be fine.

Then I ran across the online personal story of a trans woman now living in this area. She has been through many very difficult times. I emailed her to tell her I appreciated her sharing some very personal parts of her life. She wrote back offering encouragement and support. It's possible we may meet before too long.

[Danya (imported)]

A few here know that over the last few weeks, I've been having a more difficult time of things. This is related to things going on in my life unrelated to transitioning (or only indirectly related.)

I may come back to describe this in more detail at a later date. For now, I want to assert that 'I am back.' Or at least I have good indications that I am feeling back to my normal self as Danya. Meaning my confidence level is returning.

On the way home today, I found myself whistling of all things! The fear of hexes or curses placed on or by whistling women (info provided on this thread in about Sept of last year by Jesus) did not deter me in the slightest.

I also noted the return of my usual interest in anything that might have a chance of making an interesting photograph. Even wild flowers along the interstate highway were catching my eye.

These were minor, though pleasant, distractions and I kept my eyes on the road.

The ultimate 'test' that I passed was something I will need to save for later. It's something I never thought I would want to do again, not that it's that big a deal but it is very significant.

As part of my networking effort, I contacted two professors who knew me from my studies in the early to mid-1990s. This was the first time I let them know about the real me, Danya. I contacted the school months ago to change the name on my transcript.

Both were very supportive and one was relieved. He thought I had 'passed away,' probably because my former name no longer appeared on the alumni list.

In other news, I finally got a few words of encouragement from certain relatives down south. I'd written them a second time in a month to explain my situation and ask for their emotional support.

Today, for the very first time since I announced that I am transgender over 18 months ago, I 'heard' directly from my youngest brother. He sent an email. He did not use my name, nor did he end the note with his, but he expressed his concern.

This may lead to better communication down the road. Let me see, 18 months to give any kind of response to my news of who I am. It's impossible to extrapolate from a single data point. Actually I have two data points, the first being my announcement of who I am. This is still a risky basis for extrapolation. But at this 'rate' (which is not well defined), my brother may finally address me as my true self by the year 2025.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm really looking forward to the Midwest MoM, starting in roughly two weeks. It will be terrific to see folks I met last year, spend time at the Convent (the red nun is a terrific host(ess)), time with the folks in Hudson and time with Erica Ann.

I spent much of this morning researching proper attire for job interviews. There were sites that had photos of women in differing attire with comments from interviewers in different industries. Others just described proper attire and what not to wear.

Men have it easier here than women, although many of the sites mentioned that despite this many men still can't get it right! I am not surprised.

It turns out that as a woman, I don't want to appear too provocative (darn! ). Of course, this makes perfect sense.

Then there's the jewelry advice. Everyone agrees here. Don't overdo it unless you're applying for a position in the fashion industry (sounds like fun) or perhaps in sales. I should stick with small stud earrings if I wear any. Beyond that, a watch (silver in color) and a small ring are OK. Or I could substitute a plain silver bracelet (not yellow gold) for the ring.

If I wear a necklace, it needs to be relatively thin and silver in color.

As for shoes, there was a split between pumps and flats. Of course, the color needs to match the rest of the ensemble. In addition, the shoes should be plain with no buckles or other adornment.

As for panty hose, this is considered essential. Unfortunately, my favorite off-black color won't do. They need to be a neutral shade.

Then there's the clothing. Most seemed to recommend a women's suit with either pants or a fairly long skirt for the types of positions I'm considering. Color choices: black, gray or navy. As for a blouse, more black, gray or navy would do. White or ivory also work.

I don't have such a suit. As I'm trying very hard to save money, I was able to work with some things I already have. I've got a black skirt of the appropriate length. I've got both black and ivory blouses. I figured dressing entirely in black was a bit much, so I'll go with the ivory.

This left me with a suit jacket and shoes. While I've got several pairs of black pumps, I figured I don't want to exaggerate my height.

So I spent some time this afternoon looking for a black jacket and black, flat shoes. I found both heavily marked down at a sale.

I got my car's oil changed yesterday and noted something interesting. If a man drove the car in, the mechanic showed him the new oil level. They did not do this with women!

[mrt (imported)]

First of all my wife asked me to ask you to check in with her. She has not heard from you in a while and worries. Second all this sounds great but now your in a position no man can ever be and your not going to use it? Black nylons are not THAT racy... I say if you got it flaunt it!

[Danya (imported)]

First of all my wife asked me to ask you to check in with her. She has not heard from you in a while and worries. Second all this sounds great but now your in a position no man can ever be and your not going to use it? Black nylons are not THAT racy... I say if you got it flaunt it!

Hi MrT,

Good

to hear from you, my friend. I will

write to your wife. She is very nice.

Did you see the email I sent you this afternoon?

While I have worn black nylons, the ones I usually wear aren't even black-black, but off-black. There is a big difference, at least to woman's eyes!

Hugs,

Danya

[tugon (imported)]

Danya,

Your choice of clothing sounds very professional. My mental image of you right now is of a beautiful and confident woman. Oh and maybe a little naked with so little jewelry. I am teasing as I have never seen you wearing too much.

Oh and I hate when a mechanic does not show the dipstick to me.

Of course I will look forward to news on the job search front. My person is 93 so I can imagine I will be joining in the fun soon. Not by my own hand of course. So I am wishing you and all in their job searches great success.