I will turn 58 years old before long. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair or right.
Oh well, I suspect I'll survive. Truth is, birthdays typically don't bother me at all and I doubt this one will be any different. Despite periodic set backs, like a major one this year, my life continues to get better.
This evening, I'm feeling rather silly, happy and productive. This is a different happiness than the typical happy state I feel since I transitioned. It is more intense and should it go on too long it will start to get on my nerves. Right now, this also means I am on the 'edge' of mania, hypomania or whatever. One of the states of bipolar disorder. My shrink has noted before that 'we' (I don't know why he feels he's included in this!
) are operating on the edge as far as my periodic manic states go. In other words, uncontrolled mania/hypomania can be a bad thing, but I know when to take action to control it.
Before I knew I had this condition, I would go on spending sprees when the mania hit. Spending large sums on jewelry is an example. Since I have known what's going on in my head (there is something going on in there after all!), I avoid over spending.
On the other hand, there is evidence that manic states are associated with increased productivity, enhanced creativity and other good things. At least there is discussion of such a relationship. This could also be looked on as a positive outcome of the manic state. I have often thought it would be a bad thing to lose some of this for the sake of totally controlling my condition.
It seems I started experiencing more extreme manic states once I started treatment with my latest antidepressant, which I will not name. It's nothing illegal
, but you probably haven't heard of it. It's expensive and generally reserved for treatment resistant depression. Should this have not worked, the next step would have been Electroshock Therapy. I'd prefer to avoid having my short term memory messed with by going that route.
Until I lost my job, I never noticed depression associated with my mania, as it typically is. As my friend Kristoff, our beloved sister, nun, and leader warned me, I needed to be careful because in bipolar disorder the depressive phase can be a dangerous emotional low point. Just as the high points can be hazardous, if more fun.
Somehow, after several months of unemployment, I am returning to the place where I am generally happy, but not always manic. I cannot say that I am never depressed now. That might be too much to expect without steady employment. But right after I became unemployed, and for a few months after, I suffered some very low extremes of mood. Those have stopped now and I generally feel down for no more than a day, or part of a day. This is a huge improvement.
I am also feeling a return of my desire to play the piano and pipe organ, as well as follow another passion, photography. I've mentioned this within the last month or two but now I am following through on my desires to do what I love.
In the last few weeks, my interest in music other than 'classical' has also returned. Sometimes lately, I even listen to music some might consider downright raunchy!
I suppose, though, that what I consider raunchy is considered by most to be relatively tame. Then there's the point that some 'classical', art music that I have always loved has blatant earthy and sexual components. Like Igor Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring." Or the barbaric, bawdy sections of "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff. Certainly there are numerous examples of strong, often violent, human emotions in other art music.
This evening, I have listened (several times) to one of my favorite Carly Simon songs, "Nobody Does It Better." Hearing this was actually the impetus for this entire post. That, and a job ad I saw that demanded a 'creative' cover letter if one even wanted to be considered for the position. So, I am fortunate that I am feeling particularly creative, or long winded, anyway, tonight.
I started dissecting "Nobody Does It Better" to find all the elements that make it possible for listeners to know what "It" is without ever being told. I concluded that this is more complex than the casual listener might suspect. From the slight sleaziness of the opening piano solo, to the fleeting gentle almost childlike but somehow cloying opening words that gradually progress into clear sensuous tones and desire. Perhaps I have been a casual listener of good jazz, pop and contemporary music for too long. I suppose what I think must be analyzed most people pick up naturally. This type of music was never part of my childhood or young adulthood. Or early middle age, for that matter.
Tonight, then, I will continue to listen to suggestive music as I attempt to write a creative cover letter. The music will help!
I am still waiting to hear more on the positive sounding job opportunity I reported on earlier. I've called for an update on the status. Tomorrow, I have a phone interview for another position.
although at my age I think a bikini is out. It's nice to think about, anyway. 
