The mystery of eunuchism

[nullorchis (imported)]

The more I read of others reasons, fantasies, and experiences the more I come to grips with my own reason, real reason, for wanting to be a physical (not chemical) eunuch.

In earlier posts I came up with not reasons, but smokescreens, excuses, facades. My various posts are almost like I have sat through multiple psychiatric sessions to get to this point where I am in my own mind. I won't go to a psychiatrist or psychologist so this barrier makes it difficult to get legally castrated chemically or physically.

When all is said and done the real true reason I have always wanted to be castrated is quite simple, but perhaps sad.

In my early years being homosexual was almost akin to being a child molester. In fact the two conditions were regularly associated as one in the same. Nowdays we know that pedophiles, usually males....but not always, some will prefer girls some will prefer boys. But pedophilia is not the same condition as homosexuality. Pedophiles take advantage of those who are not participants, can't defend themselves, and they are only seeking self gratification, not mutual gratification. I was never a pedophile, except technically/legally once when I was of legal age and fooled by someone who was underage........walked on thin ice with blindfold on that day. It wasnt' clinical pedophilia since we were both mutually consenting, but I was a legal adult and he was legally underage so that could have been a life altering disaster. Scared the stuffing out of me when I found out he was underage. I was tempted to break off more than just the relationship.

Anywhooooooo......... the point is that back in those days one had to live ones homosexual life in the underworld, which was very frustrating. I essentially developed a split personality that lasted with me all my life. Through college, through my Navy-Vietnam years, and through all those years I spent in the corporate world. There was the public, straight me, and the private gay me. I actually managed to keep both lives separate, though it placed a heavy burden on me having to not just be me-me 24 hours a day.

But worse than that, I really really wanted to be part of the "normal" world without having to live a sham. But I enjoyed MM sex, was revolted at the thought of MF sex or even having MF relationships and this left me in a middle world.

I can conclude now that from an early age I wanted to be castrated so that I would not be gay. I wouldn't be hetro, but at least I wouldn't be gay. As much as I enjoyed being gay I wanted to merge and mingle and become a part of the non-gay world and if I could cut off my balls I would be free from all sex which would be perfect. I could claim it was due to medical reasons and I could thus avoid MF relations and sex and would be free from my desire for MM relations and sex. Seemed like a simple, but not so simple, solution.

Remember this was 40+ years ago. It's a different world today, thankfully.

I did even have some thoughts of suicide but never engaged those seriously. Homos were scorned and shunned even more than blacks were back then. Blacks had to sit on the back of the bus and had separate water fountains but homos were better dead than alive...after all homos were perverts, same as child molesters. I knew I wasn't a child molester but I did have to live for decades thinking I was a pervert, which was a hard rock to swallow because I knew my lifestyle was not of my own choosing; it just was, even though I didn't know why. (Now I realize it's nature's way of helping to control overpopulation ! If throughout the ages if true homosexuals had stopped pretending to be straight and stopped making babies perhaps we wouldn't be so overpopulated today as we are).

In conclusion I can easily imagine that practically everyone who wants to be castrated, except for some cultural/social/religious ceremonies, but everyone who wants to remain male in body and identity but wants to be free of their sexuality has one or more life experiences that have influenced that desire. Some will never know why and the reason(s) will remain a mystery.

Since I can't change the past and can't or won't undo the reasons why I want to be a eunuch I shall continue to wish for it. It does seem however that since my testosterone level has dropped my craving to be physically castrated and become a eunuch has lessened. While I have always sought the final cut, thinking that physical physical castration was the only answer, I am now beginning to be more open to the idea of chemical castration. If that achieves what I inwardly desire than I can avoid the surgical pitfalls that others seem to have had.

A long post and sorry for that. But this has been good therapy for me and if my experiences and thoughts can help others to work through their reason(s) for wanting to be castrated then perhaps all this typing and blah blah blah was worth the time it took for me to create it and you to read it. There is no one universal answer. It's so cool that everyone's life is totally unique and so sad that so many people want to control how others live their lives. I can put up with people being judgemental of other people, but I won't put up with judgemental people trying to control how others live.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. I became one officially less than a week ago. I'm a pre-op transsexual and was advised by my doctors to have it done to reduce the risks of the high dose hormone and anti-androgen drugs I was taking. I'm still sore and browsing this forum and wondering what its going to be like in a month or a year. Anyway, thats why I became this way.

Keep the jock and fluff on at night, don't sneeze or laugh without leaning forward and take your meds! Pain is no fun! And if your still taking the heavy meds take your laxatives!

Good luck and congrats.

[aLie2Live (imported)]

Thanks Mr. T!

I like your pic. I was a big fan of yours in the 80's. I'm doing ok thus far. It is a bit painful but they were nice enough to give me a big bottle of Percocet As for the laxative I find that taking a small dose of my Adderall works great for that! I didn't go for like 5 days and then after dosing I went like every 15 minutes for the next four hours!

nullorchis

I read your entire post and your reasons makes complete sense to me. It sounds like you have had plenty of time to think about this. Why NOT try chemical castration first? I was on it for 6, 7, 8? years and it was fine. Your going to be taking drugs probably twice or three times a day like I was but probably not as many since I was taking estrogen as well to feminize my body. It's really rough getting used to at first but after a month or two your body adjusts to the hormone blockers and then its just a routine of taking them everyday. The good thing is you can go off them at any time and your body will revert back to factory settings unlike actual castration. Although if you on them for years like me you might have some permanent effects such as being sterile but your doctor can tell you all that. Hormones and hormone blockers are powerful drugs so make sure you see a doctor and don't order them over the net or something. You need medical supervision and blood tests and all that.

My other thought about your post is that your right, this IS a different world today. I can assure you that nobody really gives a shit if your gay or not these days. Everyone is to worried about themselves to care what your into. Gays are not seen as pedophiles either anymore ( at least not to my knowledge but I know where your coming from feeling like your living in a world that doesn't want or understand you. Indecision is a bitch though and making some decision will probably make you feel more in control of the situation.

aLie2Live ---

[coinflipper_21 (imported)]

Thanks Mr. T!

My other thought about your post is that your right, this IS a different world today. I can assure you that nobody really gives a shit if your gay or not these days. Everyone is to worried about themselves to care what your into. Gays are not seen as pedophiles either anymore ( at least not to my knowledge but I know where your coming from feeling like your living in a world that doesn't want or understand you. Indecision is a bitch though and making some decision will probably make you feel more in control of the situation.

aLie2Live ---

Where are you living? I'm not gay, but many of my friends are, and even in my own neighborhood I am often the target of subtle (and not so subtle) homophobia because of "guilt" by association. Out here, on the left coast, nobody was supposed to care about your sexual orientation, but they just passed the, now infamous, Proposition 8 out here. Unfortunately, there are still many people that you don't have to scratch very deeply to find they are homophobic. Your sexual orientation and gender identity should be your own business, and only your own business, but the world I see still has a LONG way to go to before it's that different.

[Bagoas (imported)]

I know where you're coming from. When I was a teenager, homosexuals were regarded as filthy, unnatural, vile, evil, disgusting, contemptible, well, you get the idea. I was fifteen when I suddenly realized that I was "one of THOSE".

I couldn't even stand to look myself in the face in the mirror, but, inasmuch as I'd started shaving, I had to. I wanted to kill myself. Whoever called suicide "the coward's way out" was a damned fool. Suicide takes COURAGE, more than I ever had.

One day, after another aborted attempt, I said to myself, aloud, "It's no use; I just don't have balls to do it." EUREKA ! If I really didn't have balls, I wouldn't NEED to do it. That was when and how my interest in castration started.

[nullorchis (imported)]

It is one of those no-win no-win situations.

The only reason I didn't want to be gay was because of social condemnation and rejection.

Personally I enjoy and want to be gay; it is what I am, who I am. I consider it a rare gift and it is part of the nature of things.

So if I got castrated I would make society happy, and I would be happy I could fit into society, but I would be devastated at loosing my gay sexuality. A no-win.

But to "fit in" with society I felt the best thing to do was to be castrated so that I could get rid of all sexual feelings and be a neutral and be accepted in society. This feeling was so intense (for social damnation was so intense) that I now, for the first time ever, admit that long long ago before I knew about the medical complexities of such things I even attempted self-castration on both testes. Instead of suicide (which I thought of) I felt this would be a better alternative. Wrong. All I accomplished was hemmoraging a trip to emergency and surgery to repair the damage. My explanation was a botched cheap vasectomy in Mexico, and in fact I did wind up accomplishing self-sterilization though that was not my goal. Don't know if they bought the mexico vasectomy story or not, but I didn't land in the psych ward.

I did not get rid of my nuts or sex drive; damn. Over the years I did have a few dozen gay partners, prior to the aids epidemic, and eventually settled down with one person, aids free. Thus, there was no real need to be castrated and while I didn't think of it much I was still a life-long eunuch wannabe throughout my entire life.

Even to this day, due to past deep seated experiences I guess, I still long to be a eunuch. I doubt that will occur unless I outlive my partner who knows nothing of my secret desire. I would not risk damaging our relationship by living out my selfish personal desire.

My desire to be a eunuch is strong and has been my one absolute secret that no one knows, except me and all of you who read this board. Being castrated is my personal "Eureka". I sure hope I get to have it done some day before I die. If not, well, that's the way it goes. At least my balls are hard, small, numb, dead and my natural body produces very little testosterone which is satisfaction enough for now.

So, in conclusion I tend to believe that many, or most, maybe everyone, who seeks to change their sex or seeks castration may start out with some DNA or genetic difference and/or has had one or more personal experiences that are working to direct us to desire something so bad that we will do most anything to achieve what we want. As long as we hurt no one (even ourselves) in the process, we should be left alone and free to seek our personal desires.

[mrt (imported)]

I just wanted to post one comment on the gay vrs castrate thing. I know that to some people being Gay is still a huge dark cloud. I forget the whole thing but stupid People fear the Unknown and hate what they can't control or maybe its the other way around. And yes we have stupid people in the world or at least people who don't know anyone who is gay and have figured out that this is not such a big deal unless the people who are gay are really weirdos outside of just being gay. Humm... Am I saying that right?

What I am trying to say is you can have an annoying crazy gay person or an annoying crazy straight person. The gay part doesn't mandate the crazy or annoying part. Thats a bonus! Err?

Anyway, where AM I going with this?

Oh, yeah. I think that the people who are weirded out by you being Gay? Who gives a crap? They are not the important people in your world. If you want to be perfect and have everyone love and accept you? FORGETABOUTIT! Being straight won't make everyone love you and being a Eunuch sure as heck won't Half of the people will be mad at you because you voted for McCain (or Obama) and thats just to start with. Whatever Religion (or not) that you into many of the others will not like you.

Do you catch my drift? Be happy with the people that MATTER.

- MrT

[FianceeUvBigGuy (imported)]

On both comments I wanted to inject my 2 cents.

Once you do however your friend and his girlfriend / wife should be happily humping on a daily basis and the best part is NO BLUE BALLS! and (I think) little to no refractory period so "he" will have one of the perks women have had an exclusive on. Anyway ask Berry if thats his experience and YES his mother should be slowly roasted over a fire.

MrT,

You are correct, at least in Barry's case, so well as that of the more candid of the two Houston eunuchs (I've never engaged in more than a little "baggie 'n peepee inspection" with him, so have no empirical evidence to offer. I have seen him reach orgasm, however, but no repeaters.)

I have not queried the castrated Thai ladyboy I've recently begun an intimate relationship with nor have I induced more than one orgasm in "her" in any of the few times we've gotten down to business. Now I have a new "research project" upon which to embark!

Barry can orgasm repeatedly, up to three times before things get a bit hypersensitive. He produces a little thin semen the first time, a few droplets the second, and usually none with the third.

By contrast; BigGuy, fully intact and wonderfully endowed, can have multiple orgasms as well, and produces "evidence" each time. We usually request three from him but he HAS set a personal best of seven orgasms in one fondly remembered session involving his bride (WOBG), Ash(leigh), and lucky me. This however, will never again be attempted...it nearly killed him and we were forbidden to even suggest sex for 48 hours, or... We joked that his last three "cums" were no more than dust and bubbles.

Early in my "Studies" a friend showed me some photographs, mostly sickening, from the works of some guy named Mapletree, Mapplestein, whatever. Some were of a castrated male. Maplehooper stated that he once had sex with this or some other eunuch and that he was amazed that the fellow could have repeated orgasms almost ad infinitum Well, so can I! So there!

In other news...one of the KiKaKo members tells me that a male relative is likely to be castrated next week as a pre-emptive measure after being diagnosed, very early on, thank God, with prostatic cancer. He decided to go that route rather than take chances. I have never met this guy and I have no idea how my galpal learned the intimate details, nor do I know that what she states is accurate. I will, of course, try to learn more.

Question for those more in the know re prostate cancer: Is it uncommon that a man might opt for castration when it's "not time" for it compared to the usual course of treatment? I'm assuming that he was told that it would be an additional safeguard against the spread of the cancer and would give him a far better chance of remaining cancer free.

She tells me that his prostate removal will not destroy his erectile capability (I've heard that some guys can have a procedure that saves that.) but, of course, he WILL be a eunuch and will have to deal with the effects of that and other measures. Just curious as well as offering prayers that he beats he cancer and can still have a bit of fun now and then. I have to admit that I've wondered if I might "be of assistance" in that regard. I do, after all, have credentials as someone who can coax an orgasm from a eunuch...but I still can't get blood out of a turnip (or parsnip, for that matter.)

Y. (Y. not? Well? Y. not indeed?)

[Bagoas (imported)]

The photographer was Robert Mapplethorpe. Though best known for his pornographic photos, he was, in fact, a superb photographer, in demand as a portraitist by celebrities. He was also a fine photographer of flowers, having mastered the extremely demanding dye-transfer colour printing process.

Like many others, I went to an exhibit of his photographs out of prurient interest. The museum censored the selection of photos shown, but did include "Man in a White Polyester Suit" showing a black man in a white polyester suit with a cucumber-sized penis dangling out of his open fly.

However, when I viewed his other photos, the portraits and those beautiful dye-transfer colour prints of flowers, I was awe-struck. Mapplethorpe was no mere pornographer; he was a true artist of great ability. Unfortunately, he died of AIDS in 1989.

[LEE (imported)]

Actually, according to several websites I have found, ADT (Androgen Deprivation Therapy), which can be either surgical or chemical castration, is the ideal remedy for any kind of prostate problems (including BPH). If your friend is being surgically castrated for early stage prostate cancer, that should be sufficient. I wouldn't mess with the prostate, as that kind of surgery often leads to impotence. I know of cases where men were promised before prostate surgery that is would be "nerve-sparing" and would not lead to impotence, only to be told after surgery, "Oh, sorry".

I know of two cases where men with non-metastized prostate cancer were chemically castrated. One was temporary, because surgery could not be performed for a while. In his case, although he was promised nerve-sparing surgery, he was impotent afterwards and wanted to be surgically castrated so he wouldn't want what he no longer could have. In the other case, I don't know why prostate surgery was not done, but he was just chemically castrated indefinitely.

I think that the aversion to using castration for treatment comes from the fact that the docs are mostly male, and have, themselves, a fear of castration. It's ridiculous, because once castrated (I know, I'm chemically castrated) you really don't care anymore.

About a third of men who are surgically castrated can still get erections and function normally following their desexing. So, leave the prostate alone and he might still be able to enjoy sex (a little).

[eunuch4nullo (imported)]

Nothing odd about losing painful or nonfunctional nuts. Sometimes the best thing to do for the discomfort.

Losing my nuts isn't going to change my orientation, but may lower the drive. We've been over this with my wife who is ok with it providing she can still enjoy occasional intercourse thanks to HRT.

We're looking for a professional to do the honors for me and my discomfort. We're way too old to breed now.

Sounds logical. Sometimes it is, and sometimes we all have various urges to do the unusual. I've always been interested in becoming a complete nullo, but I recognize that our marriage needs that idea to be shelved until the unlikely time that the Mrs wants me to do it. Then i might. However, if the issue of testicular pain hadn't come up, it wouldn't even be thought of.

So, I plan to get pruned, if i don't discover a very good reason not to, and use a patch or two of HRT a day to keep the peace at home.

My T levels are low and it will be intersting to see how it is to choose the level.

This could all be intersting.

[Solaris (imported)]

Speaking for myself (it's fantasy for me, not desire)..

All my life I've been fascinated with being turned into a female..not that I'm a real gender dysphoric, I don't feel like a woman trapped in a male body. I just fantasize about becoming female or feminized (breasts and the like). What if I woke up tomorrow with breasts and a vagina and could become pregnant?

I think eunuch is an off-shoot of that. What if I woke up without the little guys tomorrow..what would THAT feel like. After a month..a year..etc What would it be like to see and feel(?) my penis shrink over time. I don't have the penectomy fantasy that some do or desire..at least it's not losing willy and keeping the boys...I wonder about the nullo feeling..

WHY? The best reason I can tell for the female stuff, is because I think on some level it bothers me that I won't ever know what it truly feels like to be a fertile woman. By the same token, I won't ever get myself castrated (unless a health crisis dictates obviously)...so it is something I don't know and will never know what it feels like.

Batman

I was just reading this post, and noticed the part about not ever knowing

what it truly feels like to be a fertile woman.

This "struck a note" within me, as I have long had this sensation of grieving for the child that I never had. The feeling is experienced from time-to-time, and is completely conscious and very real.

Because of some of my earlier spiritual and religious influences, I yearned for the Holy Spirit to cause me to become pregnant, and to give me the baby that I felt I should have, and that I needed in order to make me feel whole. I am perfectly aware that this passionate desire had nothing to do with stupidity, gullibility, or mental illness, but everything to do with the desperation of unfulfilled desire.

I have since tried to heal this grief by trying to help others, in various ways, and thereby to "mother" those members of the human race with whom I might come into contact.

I would suppose that there is still a lot of mystery surrounding eunuchism, even though we are probably learning more and more each day, especially with the aid of groups and communities such as our own.

Maybe I have come closer to dealing with my "demons", by my personal movement toward chemical castration and the peace of mind and greater mind-body unity that this has given to me. The development and use of a sense of humour, is also of great assistance in dealing with the difficulties of one's life.

It is also a true benefit when there are those who are willing to listen to one's problems that may be controversial and puzzling, and who will try to understand. It may be that this post of mine, will therefore serve as a kind of breakthrough in my personal progress.

[A-1 (imported)]

I really think that it is a hydraulic thing and not a hormone thing.

If you are young and your head is not all screwed up, that is...

[feedback (imported)]

I lived for many years with no T in my system because of a medical problem. My wife could not understand my lack of interest in her or sex. When my problem was finally diagnosed and I was put on HRT my interest in sex was very much revived but my ability to perform was not. We found out sex can be great if you use more than your dick. My problem was I hated what I became once I was back on T. I was short tempered, self centered and thoughtless of others needs and feelings. I was a different person than what I was on no T. Since I take just enough T to keep me healthy but not enough to feel male. I identify as male but like the female trait I feel on low T. I call it feeling gender neutral. I still have my testicles and would like very much to get rid of them as they don't fit with who I feel I am. My wife likes me better on low T and I could do away with everything down there and be quite happy. My wife could live with the no balls but not with no penis. It still works some time if everything is right. How do you go about getting castrated safely. Lot here have done it but I know of no one in my area to talk to about this.