Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

It is good to hear from you again. Glad to hear that you are doing well.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

It is good to hear from you again. Glad to hear that you are doing well.

Thanks, Mac.

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Things are going very well with 'D'. We are engaged and will be married in a few months. I wasn't expecting this to ever happen and certainly wasn't actively looking for a mate. 'D' is very good for me. We have similar senses of humor (i.e., often obscure and frequently dry) and we hold similar values. He is fine knowing that I may never entirely recover from chronic pelvic pain. Having 'D' in my life brings me a lot of happiness. I am very fortunate.

We are planning a small, simple wedding in part to keep our stress down. We've both been married before, although this will be my first marriage as a woman!

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This morning, I saw my physical therapist at my usual time of 6:30 AM. Not being a morning person, I found getting up at 5 AM difficult as usual. The early appointment works well because I can get to the office a few minutes after the work day begins.

The therapist and I agreed that I have made a lot of progress since I first starting seeing her early in early 2012 or so. The pelvic pain remains a nearly constant presence, except when I am sleeping. Most days, though, it's clear I'm doing better than 2 1/2 years ago. I am very grateful for this.

I will visit Chicago for a single appointment with a physical therapist who has specialized in chronic pelvic pain disorders since the 1990s. She is also well-versed in the brain re-training exercises I'm doing to rewire the brain to not construct a pain response when it no longer serves a purpose.

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Over the last month, I've started to investigate a new career path that would combine my life, education and work skills. Three weeks ago, I started applying for jobs that are close fits for the direction I want to take. At my age, I'm becoming more interested in doing something I'm passionate about that will also pay the bills. So far, I've had at least two careers. They were more or less what I thought was expected of me. While I have gained great experience and earned a good living, I'll be thrilled if I succeed in making this planned 'transition' to a new career.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Congratulations, I have nothing but good wishes for you and your fiance and, of course, for your continued happiness. --FLO--

[Paolo]

congratulations!

[Danya (imported)]

Congratulations, I have nothing but good wishes for you and your fiance and, of course, for your continued happiness. --FLO--

congratulations!

Thanks Flo and Paolo. 'D' (my fiance) and I enjoyed seeing both of you last night at the Convent!

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Sometime back, perhaps several years ago, I wrote about my dissatisfaction with my career. Although I felt successful about my transition, it seemed that my job hadn't transitioned with me. I will stay with my current line of work if I must. It's not intolerable and I need to work. I am taking steps, though, that will allow me to follow my life passions more fully outside the office. This afternoon, I met with a 'community organizer' for a state-wide group that advocates for the poor, people of color and other often disenfranchised and otherwise disadvantaged folks. I've done advocacy work before and it's been very rewarding. Our discussion had me really pumped to get involved.

I have volunteered to be a mentor for a trans student at a nearby university.

Along a similar line, I am pushing for inclusion of welcoming language for trans* folk at the church we attend. Come spring time, I may be leading discussions on transgender issues. Although I still consider myself an agnostic, I feel very much at home in this very progressive church. The pastors freely admit that they struggle with belief and I find that very refreshing. In at least one way, they are at the forefront of GLBT rights in the church. They have a fantastic music program. Once my pelvic pain is under better control, I will become more involved with that. Right now, I practice the pipe organ there and my spirit soars.

Increasing my involvement in advocacy work may, eventually, open doors to more fulfilling employment. If that does not happen, I will nonetheless be happier following this life passion.

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We've nearly completed the preparation for our wedding. Although it will be small, the music will be fitting for a large wedding and expertly performed. Marrying 'D' will rank among the highlights of my life. He is so good for me and I'm very happy that some of our friends will share the wedding celebration with us.

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Hormones: I've been on supplemental testosterone for about a year. My T level has been below that of natal women, post-menopause, for several years. I use Androgel although at a far lower level than a man would use. The problem is when I apply the gel, I get a T spike by the next day. My energy level is fine for two days but then drops until the evening of the third day when I apply another dose. Anyone who speaks with me on day three likely finds me a bit unfocused and listless. Without supplemental T I sleep all weekend and drag through the work week, and my efficiency is way down.

The T has also caused me to start losing what had been thick head hair. This did not happen until I'd been on T for over 10 months. I think I know what the problem is and will discuss it with my gynecologist. She prescribes both my T and E.

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If things work out job-wise here for both of us, we will remain in this metro area. A part of me still hopes to one day live on the west coast. 'D' is very willing to move if that's what I want. I let him know any such move needs to be a joint decision.

[Slammr (imported)]

It was my pleasure to meet you at the convent. I wish you the best. You have my respect and admiration.

[Riverwind (imported)]

It was wonderful talking to you today on the phone, remembering when we first met several years ago and where you are today, about to be married.

Congratulations and hugs.

River

[Danya (imported)]

It was my pleasure to meet you at the convent. I wish you the best. You have my respect and admiration.

I was very happy to have had the opportunity to meet you at last, Slammr, converse a bit and hear about your inte

resting life adventures. Thanks for the good wishes!

It was wonderful talking to you today on the phone, remembering when we first met several years ago and where you are today,

about to be married.

Congratulations and hugs.

River

Reconnecting with you, River, by phone was an unexpected pleasure. We do go back a ways (over six years). You played a very important part in my transition that I will never forget. I miss having you close by but I was glad to hear things are working out so well for you in Hawaii. Thanks for everything!

[Mac (imported)]

Danya it is good to hear from you again. You have had a rough time of it and I am glad to hear that things are improving for you.

[Danya (imported)]

A lot has happened in my life over the last year. It's my first year celebrating Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday), Christmas, my after-Christmas birthday and the New Year as a married woman.

A married woman! I am still in a state of wonder, and appreciation, knowing that I literally stumbled into a new type of relationship (i.e., romantic man and woman) with a guy I knew years before I transitioned. Our relationship continues to improve.

Our wedding was one of the best experiences of my life. Although we had fewer than 50 people attending, by design, the room resounded with enthusiastic hymn singing and the gorgeous strains of Bach and other composers from the main organ.

The one downside to the wedding was the absence of my biological family. This didn't mar the day, but in the weeks leading up to the event and until just a few weeks ago I was coping with renewed feelings of loss. I thought I'd left all that in the past. I was wrong. For a time late this year, I wondered if there were something I could do to reconnect. Perhaps I somehow hadn't done enough to allow reconciliation. But I had already reached out to them, again, early in 2014 and received no response. I found several good articles that helped me work through my feelings.

Over the last year, I finally started feeling truly capable with the very different, complex computer systems on the job I've held for two years. It's been a steep learning curve, but I love learning new things.

After 'D' and I took two trips to Chicago in 2014, he said he agreed with me the the Windy City is a much more interesting place than what we're used to here in the Upper Midwest. We like where we are, but would be glad to move to a place with milder winters.

My current job will likely end soon, so I've been looking into my career options. These include:

Remaining in my current career. Always a good choice. Even though I've never felt it was right for me, I am good at it.

Moving into a new career that 'leverages' my business skills for diversity advocacy. I've applied for this type of job but haven't reached the interview stage. I have done similar work before, on a volunteer basis.

Combining business and science skills into a new career in research. I am under consideration for one such job.

Remaining in my current career, while developing a side business as a web developer. I've done web development before. It's something I could do mostly from home and perhaps from anywhere in the country. Eventually, it could offer a good living and the freedom for 'D' and me to live anywhere. I'm studying web development in what little spare time I have.

Lastly, following a passion I've had since college: teaching. I am in the process of applying for several community college teaching positions . This might work out. At least one of these opportunities would require moving out of state. I've discussed this in depth with 'D'. A move would be difficult for both of us, but we are willing to relocate for the right job for me. He is older than I am and less concerned with the direction of his career.

When I was laid off five years ago, the consensus among outplacement professionals was that it was not the time to make anything more than minor tweaks to one's career direction. This is why I found myself following a slightly different career path. One that I felt necessary to follow because it was the best of limited options.

With the improving economy, the chances of a successful major career change are much better. Although not necessarily easy.

The Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome I experience on a daily basis has not improved much over the last several years. I have learned to cope better. I continue with my daily routine of physical therapy and dilating. There are also the brain retraining exercises to, eventually, rewire my brain so it ceases producing a pain response for a condition that no longer exists. My gynecologist sees two natal women with the same type of pain. She recently told me it would be years before I see true relief, if ever. I accept this, while continuing my daily routine that may one day provide relief. She prescribed a new medication in November that is some help.

Later this year, I will lead an adult study at church. The purpose is to introduce participants to the issues trans* people face, to promote a welcoming attitude to trans* folk and to propose widening the church welcoming statement. That now includes sexual orientation but not gender identity. The pastors think modifying the official welcome will easily pass. I am excited to have this opportunity to, in a small way, advance trans* awareness and acceptance.

This is already an extremely open, welcoming and progressive congregation. I find it refreshing that the pastors speak openly about their own doubts about faith and religion. I am a heavy doubter and feel quite comfortable with non-Christian faiths, as do they.

[Danya (imported)]

I am feeling stuck or perhaps, even, a bit lost.

About ten days ago, a former colleague put me in touch with a trans woman living in a conservative western state. She is in a very bad situation, having lived as a woman for several years. Having difficulty staying employed, and after having legally changing her name, she detransitioned back to living as a man. There are other problems for her. I cannot list them now. It's painful for me to write even this much. We exchanged several emails, but I haven't heard from her in five days. I fear for her life. I don't know her address or anything more than her first name. Life can be extraordinarily difficult for far too many trans folk.

'D' tells me I am stronger than he is. Perhaps he is right, although I am not convinced. 'X' and I spoke on the phone yesterday, when out the blue he told me I am resilient. He knows I am trying to find a way forward with my career. I feel neither strong or resilient right now. What I do feel is stuck.

I find it difficult to write for now and I still feel stuck. Writing usually helps me sort through things, but not now.

What I will do is keep moving 'forward'. I just wish I had a clearer idea of what forward is.

[Danya (imported)]

I may have found a way to dramatically decrease my pelvic pain during the day. This involves changing the time of day I take part of the dose of a prescribed medication. This was a huge help yesterday, when I was able to attend church and then sit for over two hours at a theater watching 'American Sniper.' The pain was tolerable. The downside is more daytime drowsiness. I can learn to live with that. For all of last week, the pain was nearly intolerable. I'm going to follow up with my gynecologist to see what else might help. While I am able to cope better with the pain now versus even a year ago, I still understand why some people with similar pain often feel hopeless.

Last Sunday, I took married friends to brunch to network. 'D' had a bad cold and stayed home. I gently picked their brains and was rewarded with lots of useful information on potential research jobs (e.g., building a client base) and music gigs, too. The added bonus was getting to know them better. Tonight, 'D' and I will meet with another married couple I've known for years. After the husband was laid off in 2009, he decided to try making a living as a tutor. He has a master's in math. I know it took a while for his business to take off. Now he regularly turns away new students. I want to learn how he started and grew this business.

Yesterday I was feeling stuck; today I do not. Hooray!

[Danya (imported)]

I cannot believe it's already late January. Except for much of November, which may have been colder than December here, we've had a relatively mild winter. It's now very obvious that the hours of daylight are significantly longer than on the solstice.

Changing the medication dose has continued to help lessen my pelvic pain. Today, I spoke with my doctor about it. We'll increase the dose more. On another front, my gynecologist recommended trying Botox. While I know there's no guarantee this will help, I'm excited to try it. I'm waiting to hear when we'll give it a 'shot.'

[Riverwind (imported)]

That is what we both need, a magic wand, you for your pelvic pain me for my feet, I do understand.

Hugs

River

[Danya (imported)]

I know you understand, River, and it helps knowing that! Thank you. I do have a crystal wand. It's not magic but it is a big help with a certain type of internal massage!

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Every weekend, I network over lunch with another woman or a couple. I'm working on this new career path thing. Yesterday, I treated a woman friend to brunch. She's a public school teacher. What I thought I might gain was insight on tutoring. Unexpectedly, she got me excited about the possibility of teaching secondary school science. I'm investigating this more, among other things. Talking with folks also helps me to eliminate certain paths.

All this networking has another benefit. I'm deepening friendships!

[Danya (imported)]

Wednesday morning, I'm scheduled for the Botox injection into an intra-vaginal muscle the is in a near constant state of spasm. This is contributor to my pelvic pain. My urogynecologist (I never knew this specialty existed!) told me the other contributor to 'my' pain (another doctor told me I must 'own' the pain ) is two neuromas. [I hope my other 'female problems' doctor, my gynecologist, noticed the neuromas. Within the last year, she said everything looked normal. I have had pain in the exact same spots since the beginning] The urogyno will inject the neuromas with cortisone and, perhaps, something else to try to block the pain. I am glad he was upfront with me in stating some people are not helped at all by the injections. For those that are helped, they may not be helped every time the injections are made.

The urogynecologist's nurse asked if my pain disappeared for a few weeks or months and then flared up again. It is always there, although there are a very few days a year when it is slight.

This winter, like the last, my pain seems much worse than in the warmer months. I asked the urogyno if the cold could be contributing to my pain. To my surprise, he said yes and explained why. It's an indirect relationship but it makes sense to me. 'D' and I are discussing the possibility of moving to a warmer climate. 'D' is wonderfully supportive and helpful.

I hate that my life is being limited by this pain, which is at time horrendous - as it is today. I hate that I cannot comfortably drive for more than a few miles, or at times even a few blocks, without severe pain.

For the last few days, and for the first time, I have felt desperate because of my pain. Somehow or somewhere, I need to find a way to better control it.

[kristoff]

Obviously, I am not in the same boat you are paddling. I frequently deal with chronic pain and flare-ups. Cortisone injections can be wonderful, but do take a bit of time to work - couple days to couple weeks. Have never done botox - has never been discussed or offered by my doctors. All I can say is good luck and best wishes. One of these days, when tax season has a respite for me, if you can manage 8-10 blocks, we should burn some cow and enjoy an afternoon or evening; husband included.

K

[Danya (imported)]

Dear friend Kristoff,

I know you deal with chronic pain and I appreciate your input, as always. I am hopeful I get some relief from Botox and/or cortisone. The doctor said these are likely my last hope for any lessening of pain.

This evening, I spoke with both 'D' and a long-time woman friend who knows me well. Both are of the opinion that I need to stop working, at least in the short term. 'D' stated that I've been trying to hide my pain from my boss and coworkers, although that's not working for me. He's right and I spend much of every evening, and much of the weekend, trying to recover from the increasing pain from work. It's becoming more difficult to do. Several medication dosages have been increased over the last few months. They have helped lessen the pain a bit, but they leave me fatigued and in a dense mental fog that makes it difficult to do my job.

'D' and I would love to get together with you to enjoy some burnt cow. When, of course, you have more free time.

Hugs,

Danya

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Please, do take care of yourself. You are lucky to have someone that you can depend on for support. --FLO--

[Danya (imported)]

Please, do take care of yourself. You are lucky to have someone that you can depend on for support. --FLO--

Thanks, Uncle Flo! You are correct, I'm very lucky to have 'D' in my life.

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I need to keep in mind that stress contributes to my pain. Besides, the pain itself increases my stress level. Is this then a no-win situation? I don't think so at all. I still work on relaxation techniques, physical therapy and so on. I think these have lessened the spasms in my pelvic muscles. I'm hopeful mindfulness relaxation routines may also help reduce neuroma pain.

I'm under a lot of stress right now as the end of my job approaches. I can panic when I remember that I've been unemployed nearly 2 of the last 5 1/2 years. What I need to do more often is remind myself that the economy is much better today than it was even two years ago.

[Danya (imported)]

The Chicago physical therapist I saw once last September attended an international conference on pain in Buenos Aires, late last year. Today, she responded to my email request asking for any new information on treating pain. I already know, from personal experience, that stress worsens my pelvic pain. She told me that latest research by one of the leasing pain research groups in the world (based in Australia) supports that idea that 'cold' stress worsens the type of pain I have, and other types, too. This is good news! At least I have additional confirmation that what I seem to experience is valid.

I have three books put out by the Australian team on pain, its origins, central nervous system sensitization and managing/lessening pain. They have just published another book that explains, in part, how stress contributes to pain. It sounds like it also describes new ways to think about stress and how to manage it. I will get the book.

While I accept that I cannot lead a stress-free life, I may need to reduce job-related stress to the extent possible. This could mean being very selective about work environments and the type of work I do.

'D' and I are continuing to discuss

the possibility of moving to a warmer climate.

If we do, I'm not sure we need to move to an area with the mildest climate. Perhaps one with a much milder climate than Minnesota would do. So far, we are talking about:

Seattle

Portland, OR

Southern California (San Diego or, perhaps, areas of the LA metro)

[Riverwind (imported)]

Hawaii is always nice too. It has sure had a calming effect on me.

River

[kristoff]

Hawaii is always nice too. It has sure had a calming effect on me.

River

And here you thought it was the so-called "Eunuch Calm."

[C&TL2745 (imported)]

...

'D' and I are continuing to discuss

the

possibility of moving to a warmer climate.

If we do, I'm not sure we need to move to an area with the mildest climate. Perhaps one with a much milder climate than Minnesota would do. So far, we are talking about:

Seattle

Portland, OR

Southern Cali

fornia (San Diego or, perhaps, areas of the LA metro)My hubby and I are currently visiting my brother and his wife in the San Diego area. It's 62 degrees at the moment, and they're predicting 77 by this weekend. And it's a fairly relaxed area. I'm not sure LA would be all that good for stress, though. Best wishes.

Sandi

[Danya (imported)]

Hawaii is always nice too. It has sure had a calming effect on me.

River

Hawaii might be wonderful if I could get a job there! I've

been to Oahu, Maui and Hawaii. The islands are gorgeous.

And here you thought it was the so-called "Eunuch Calm."

I also wondered about this.

My hubby and I are currently visiting my brother and his wife in the San Diego area. It's 62 degrees at the moment, and they're predicting 77 by this weekend. And it's

a fairly relaxed area. I'm not sure LA would be all that good for stress, though. Best wishes.

Sandi

Thanks for the info and best wishes, Sandi. I've been to San Diego a few times and was always impressed with the pleasant temperatures. I've been to LA twice and agree it would not be a low-stress area, unless perhaps we were able to live somewhere near the edge of the metro.

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I think the steroid injection I received yesterday is working. I'll be more confident about that if the good result continues into tomorrow. It will be another week of two before I know if the Botox helps. The doctor told me not to get my hopes up on that one,