Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[mrt (imported)]

Well I'm glad your job sounds solid. I know how tough that can be and I'm sending a prayer for you that it continues to go well. I'm really really impressed with how well your doing transition. I think your either a real roll of the sleeves lets get to work type or its just a combo of some of that and the fact that this is just right for you.

I know talking about hormones on the archive is a bit off subject but I was pleased that your doctor is working actively with you to adjust them to the proper balance. There were a few times that I felt too "needy" and was worried that I wasting too much of my doctors time asking about this, adjusting that and so on. I'm glad she worked with me as I see yours if working with you. I know so many people that get the "here is your dose" and then never seems to be any change or close monitoring.

With functioning Ovaries or Testicles our bodies are used to a very complex system that is dynamic. We can't fully or easily emulate that with patches or injections etc but we can come close! But only if we work at it. That takes a good doctor and a patient who is proactive. The results for you seem to be right on! Bravo.

I admit just a touch of envy to know what its like to have a female puberty. Curiosity of course killed the cat however... So keep posting. For us curious cats its kind of cool to see how it all works on the other side of the fence. As for me its injection day so... Happy hormoning! Assuming that is a word...

[Danya (imported)]

Well I'm glad your job sounds solid. I know how tough that can be and I'm sending a prayer for you that it continues to go well.

Hi MrT,

Thanks for the prayer. I know you understand.

I'm really really impressed with how well your doing transition. I think your either a real roll of the sleeves lets get to work type or its just a combo of some of that and the fact that this is just right for you.

Although I know my transition is going well, it's still good to get reactions from others now and then.

With functioning Ovaries or Testicles our bodies are used to a very complex system that is dynamic. We can't fully or easily emulate that with patches or injections etc but we can come close! But only if we work at it. That takes a good doctor and a patient who is proactive. The results for you seem to be right on! Bravo.

I a

m lucky. All of my doctors are good. I had to hunt a while to find one or two that were able to help me. I am proactive with all of them. It helps to remember that I am paying them for their time and knowledge.

..

. For us curious cats its kind of cool to see how it all works on the other side of the fence. As for me its injection day so... Happy hormoning! Assuming that is a word...

I will continue posting

. Writing helps me sort through my

thoughts and feelings.

I hope your enjoy your T as much as I love my E.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Next week, my company will lay off about 7% of the people in my division. I got this news two days ago. As a single female, in the midst of puberty no less , I nearly panicked when I heard the news.

Most likely, I will not lose my job. I was laid off when I was about 31, though, so I know the pain people experience when they lose their work. I'd prefer not to experience job loss again.

I know I will feel sad for coworkers who lose their jobs next week.

By this afternoon, there was still no official announcement of who will be laid off. I decided to ask my boss for the lastest news. Earlier in the day, he spoke with the manager chiefly responsible for the final decision. My boss was able to assure me that I will keep my job. That decision has been finalized. He still may lose someone else from his group but won't know for sure until Wednesday.

I was relieved to know I'll have a job after this week. It is likely, though, that at least one of my friends will be let go.

[jamesmc (imported)]

That is definately good news. Hopefully things will just keep looking up.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Danya,

That's very good news, but unfortunately it's also going to be bad news for one of your coworkers and friends. I feel very badly for anyone who looses their job, especially in this economy.

I am so looking forward to your visit in February. We are going to have the best time. This town may never be the same again!

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya,

That's very good news, but unfortunately it's also going to be bad news for one of your coworkers and friends. I feel very badly for anyone who looses their job, especially in this economy.

Hi Erica,

I, too, feel bad for anyone who loses a job at any time. And this is a particularly bad economy, as you say.

I am so looking forward to your visit in February. We are going to have the best time. This town may never be the same again!

I can't wait to meet you. I know we will have a wonderful time. I am excited about this trip.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

That is definately good news. Hopefully things will just keep looking up.

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for the good wishes.

It's always good to hear from you.

I hope things are going well for you.

Hugs,

Danya

Well I'm glad your job sounds solid. I know how tough that can be and I'm sending a prayer for you that it continues to go well. I'm really really impressed with how well your doing transition. I think your either a real roll of the sleeves lets get to work type or its just a combo of some of t

hat and the fact that this is just right for you.

I meant to mentio

n this earlier, MrT. I understand w

hat you mean by 'roll of the sleeves lets get to work'. I chuckled a little when I read that, though, because I never rolled up my sleeves when I identified as male. It never felt right to me and somehow didn't seem to fit with who I was. I never examined that feeling closely but I definitely knew I was hiding the masculine musculature of my arms. Very interesting!

[mrt (imported)]

Hummm... bad choice of words on my part. Cinch up the garters then?

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for the good wishes.

It's always good to hear from you.

I hope things are going well for you.

Hugs,

Danya

I meant to mentio

n this earlier, MrT. I understand w

hat you mean by 'roll of the sleeves lets get to work'. I chuckled a little when I read that, though, because I never rolled up my sleeves when I identified as male. It never felt right to me and somehow didn't seem to fit with who I was. I never examined that fee

ling closely but I definitely knew I was hiding the masculine musculature of my arms. Very interesting!

[Danya (imported)]

...because the announcement will be made on the layoffs in my division. I know I don't have to worry about my own job, but I can guess who will be let go. I doubt that my estimate is entirely correct. I certainly hope not, but I'm basing this on their job descriptions and what the company is trying to do. It is possible that three of my friends, people who I have entertained in my home many times, will lose their jobs. I will be very surprised if at least one of them is not laid off. Beyond these three, there are several other possibilities among folks who have been supportive from the moment they learned I would transition.

These are friends who knew about my transgender status months before I transitioned. I am in tears thinking about what will happen. I know I will be emotionally drained by the time I get home Wednesday.

[John (imported)]

Hi!

I cross my fingers anew for you and try to send some energy!

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Thanks for the good thoughts and energy, John.

Unfortunately, I was correct. One of my close friends at the office ('A') was laid off. Everyone in the division had to go to a meeting to hear the news. I was in tears but couldn't let any of my coworkers see that.

I have sent her two emails of support and tried calling her. Her line has been busy.

'A' has been a friend for years. Two years ago, I encouraged her to learn some new skills and I convinced management (including her boss and

the director of my department

) to allow her to take over some of my work. For the first time, she was sent to off-site training. I went along and subsequently helped her learn this major coporate program. Within the last several months, I handed it all over to her and another friend.

At least I have the satisfaction of knowing I helped her pick up a very useful skill that will help her find another job.

[John (imported)]

Hi again!

Then you shouldn´t really feel sorry except for the loss of your friend at work, I think you two could keep up your contact even outside of the office if your friend stays in the city.

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Hi John,

I am glad I helped my friend learn a new set of skills, and pushed management to see that this happened. I will definitely keep in touch with her.

Today, I had lunch with someone connected with the company president's office. It was purely a social engagement, brought about by her interest in learning more about me. For some reason, she has this idea that I am now quite interesting.

Before I transitioned, we had only known each other slightly. Today we had a very interesting, fun conversation. She made a comment on my height, saying "you are tall for a woman". At first, I didn't understand her point. I told her I had heels on, although relatively low ones.

She went on to explain that, when she knew the old 'male' me she considered me short. I stand 5 feet, 9 inches tall (175 cm). She really sees me as a woman now and I seem a little tall to her.

She said something else which only my two gender therapists and two people from the Archive have told me. "You look like a woman", she said, and if she hadn't known me 'before', she would notice nothing extraordinary about my new female self. I fit right in. While I feel quite comfortable as a woman, it's good to hear things like this.

Others have said things like "You look terrific". That's nice, too, but leaves me wondering if the speaker might mean "Considering you were born 'male', you look terrific". The statement "You look just like a woman" is a high compliment. I am sure that if others think this, they would be uncomfortable stating it so directly.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm not feeling well and stayed home from work today and probably will Wednesday, too. I don't feel up to writing tonight, but I need to express myself. Some of what I am writing I cannot 'say' anyplace else but here.

For the last several days, at least, I have simultaneously felt sad and joyful. The sad part comes from seeing a good friend and others laid off. I have written to all of those affected to express my sorrow, to tell them I will help in any way I can (whether by being a reference, helping with a resume or something else). I offered my friend, who has no car, to be her transportation if she needs it. I will also take her to brunch and do other things. One of the issues faced by those who suddenly find themselves unemployed is ostracism by (former) coworkers. I have noted that when those laid off come into the office, few people speak with them. To help prevent that with my friend and someone else from the office, I will have a dinner party in late February. I have invited them and other friends from work.

I am certainly much better off than those who have lost jobs at my own company or others. Nonetheless, those who witness job losses at their companies can suffer, too, and smart companies know this and will take steps to lessen the damage for those who remain while helping those laid off as much as possible. Some people at work, even those with relatively secure positions, have mentioned that they are sad and depressed. My point is, I cannot immediately shake off my feelings of loss and this is normal. In fact, it makes me angry when I see coworkers, who will be unemployed in about 1 week, ignored by many. Perhaps less rationally, I am also angered by the apparent levity of some who will keep their jobs. Their lives have not been affected so why should they care?

At the same time, I continue to feel joyful in being who I am. For the first time, I feel a little guilty about that. Friends lose jobs yet I remain happy (over the real sadness I feel) or at least I continue to experience and enjoy the yearnings of a woman. Somehow, it seems, I should be able to turn this off for now or that these female desires should slacken since I am deeply affected by the losses of people I know.

My desires do not lessen, though, at all. They may have intensified. I was sitting in a meeting Friday with a male consultant and several coworkers. I have always found this man attractive and the more I learn about the everyday concerns of his life, the stronger my feelings become. I know that during part of the meeting, I was practically staring openly (and with longing) at him. Things might not have been obvious (I hope) to others and certainly were not to him. I only had 'the look' when he wasn't looking at me.

The consultant treats me kindly. He has been divorced for many years and is rasing two children alone.

My desires remind me that I have never known a deep love where both partners know themselves well and are confident in that knowledge. Such people can be independent, alone and happy. With the right partner, each can offer the other something wonderful without sacrificing who he or she is.

I am independent, alone and happy. At last, I feel I can be part of healthy relationship, too. I was content until now to be by myself and I can remain happily alone. I would prefer, though, to share my life with someone. Before I transitioned, I had no strong desire for a relationship. Now I long for just that.

A good friend has told me "You have friends and people who love you all around the world." He is absolutely correct, and some of those people are here. I treasure those connections while still yearning for a relationship of a different nature.

[paulault (imported)]

I know how hard it is when friends you have worked with for many years are let go and it seems everyone ostracises them, i know i have in the past and feel real bad about doing so, i think it has to do with greiveing for their loss and guilt that you kept your job when they didn't, i commend you for sticking with your friends and helping them in this most difficult of times.

Paula.

[ramses (imported)]

It's probably due to a mix of survivors guilt and an odd sense of company loyalty (fraternizing with the cast offs). People just don't know what to say sometimes so it's just easier to avoid contact with the victim.

[Danya (imported)]

I know how hard it is when friends you have worked with for many years are let go and it seems everyone ostracises them, i know i have in the past and feel real bad about doing so, i think it has to do with greiveing for their loss and guilt that you kept your job when they didn't, i commend you for sticking with your friends and helping them in this most difficult of times.

Paula.

Hi Paula,

When I wrote about how my laid off coworkers were treated, I needed to express my feelings. I felt anger at the apparent heartlessness of some of my colleagues and wondered how they could be so uncaring.

At the same time, I knew we all react differently to life's difficulties. I agree with you. Many people in this type of work situation are grieving and some feel guilty that they still have jobs. We all do the best we can in these circumstances.

Thanks for writing.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

It's probably due to a mix of survivors guilt and an odd sense of company loyalty (fraternizing with the cast offs). People just don't know what to say sometimes so it's just easier to avoid contact with the victim.

Hi Ramses,

Thanks for writing

, it's good to hear from you.

I a

gree with both you and Paula.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

This was my third sick day. I haven't been this ill in years and I'm glad I'm starting to feel better. Although I have been home, I have still put in many work hours, remotely. I'm still recovering but I will return to work tomorrow. I need some face-to-face time with 'offline' people as opposed to 'no people'.

I've never gotten used to some of the latest jargon. When I'm at a meeting and someone suggests continuing a discussion offline, it still sounds strange to me. Even people outside the IT department tend to speak this way. Including many who have trouble finding the power switch on their computers! "Let's talk about this later" seems more sensible and human to me, a high tech type.

I am starting to notice quite a change

since my doctor doubled my estrogen dose

several weeks ago. I can tell, by measuring, that my breast size has increased. I'm now a definite A-cup, with leanings toward B. This may not sound like much, but keep in mind I started from a 'no-cup' It's only been a few months since my testosterone finally reached a very low level, too.

The shape of my breasts is changing, too, just as it should. All in all, I am very pleased with these results. If I reach a clear B-cup bra size, I will be happy. Anything beyond that will be icing on the cake.

Last night, Jay Leno showed a picture of a woman reported to have a KK-cup bra size. I don't ever want to reach that point. There's not much danger of that happening.

I am also feeling even more feminine, something which I didn't think was possible a few weeks ago. I'm not sure how to explain this, since I did not grow up as a female. In some ways, I think I am more feminine than some of the natal woman I know.

This femininity feels very right and good. I don't know how I ever made it as a male for most of my life. I certainly wasn't very convincing at it.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Danya,

I'm so happy for you. Remember our telephone conversation about the right dosage? You're finally starting to see and feel the results we talked about.

Congrats on the increase in your breast size. Isn't it wonderful?

And nothing can replace that feel of femininity.

There is no better feeling in the world than truly being a women.

[mrt (imported)]

Well do remember that the vast majority of women don't have K Sized Breasts or even C or D. As to your fem level your current dose of E2 is probably more healthy then a lot of women so your not only getting that going for you but maybe a touch of the fountain of youth!!!

This was my third sick day. I haven't been this ill in years and I'm glad I'm starting to feel better. Although I have been home, I have still put in many work hours, remotely. I'm still recovering but I will return to work tomorrow. I need some face-to-face time with 'offline' people as opposed to 'no people'.

I've never gotten used to some of the latest jargon. When I'm at a meeting and someone suggests continuing a discussion offline, it still sounds strange to me. Even people outside the IT department tend to speak this way. Including many who have trouble finding the power switch on their computers! "Let's talk about this later" seems more sensible and human to me, a high tech type.

I am starting to notice quite a change [

quote="Danya (imported)" time=12322036

20]
since my doctor doubled my estrogen dose

several weeks ago. I can tell, by measuring, that my breast size has increased. I'm now a definite A-cup, with leanings toward B. This may not sound like much, but keep in mind I started from a 'no-cup' It only been a few months since my testosterone finally reached a very low level, too.

The shape of my breasts is changing, too, just as it should. All in all, I am very pleased with these results. If I reach a clear B-cup bra size, I will be happy. Anything beyond that will be icing on the cake.

Last night, Jay Leno showed a picture of a woman reported to have a KK-cup bra size. I don't ever want to reach that point. There's not much danger of that happening.

I am also feeling even more feminine, something which I didn't think was possible a few weeks ago. I'm not sure how to explain this, since I did not grow up as a female. In some ways, I think I am more feminine than some of the natal woman I know.

This femininity feels very right and good. I don't know how I ever made it as a male for most o
[/quote]
f my life. I certainly wasn't very convincing at it.

[Danya (imported)]

Well do remember that the vast majority of women don't have K Sized Breasts or even C or D. As to your fem level your current dose of E2 is probably more healthy then a lot of women so your not only getting that going for you but maybe a touch of the fountain of youth!!!

I have read about this fountain of youth effect, MrT. In the book 'Conundrum', Jan Morris describes her experiences with estrogen in similar terms.

I think I am starting to notice some estrogen-induced changes to my face. It's not so obvious when I look in the mirror but seems real when I compare very recent photos with those I took months ago.

Jan, by the way, was one of the pioneers in male-to-female transitions culminating in GRS. She (as James Morris) was in the British military, has published histories and been a prolific travel writer and author. James, as a Times reporter, accompanied the first British expedition to conquer Mount Everest. He started the three-part "Pax Britannica", a three-part history of the rise and fall of the British Empire, while still James and completed it as Jan.

She is now over 80 years old. She and her ex-wife, Elizabeth, recently reinstated their marriage through a civil partnership. James and Elizabeth were married for many years before divorcing, after raising four children. You see, a divorce was the only way Jan could convince a surgeon to perform GRS. Jan had the surgery in Morocco back in 1972. Jan and Elizabeth continued to live together after the divorce.

See "Writer Jan Morris remarries wife she wed as a man (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... s-ago.html)" for some of these recent details about Jan's life.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya,

I'm so happy for you. Remember our telephone conversation about the right dosage? You're finally starting to see and feel the results we talked about.

Congrats on the increase in your breast size. Isn't it wonderful?

And nothing can replace that feel of femininity.

There is no better feeling in the world than truly being a women.

Hi Erica,

Thanks for writing! I remember that phone conversation well.

My breasts are in a very active development stage, that's for sure. You are right, it is wonderful.

As for my feelings, I thought my emotions were strong before my estrogen was doubled. Now they're almost out of control. Ah, to be a teenager again. Wait, I am a teenager again.

Seriously, though, my emotions are wonderful. I never imagined how terrific this could be.

Hugs,

Danya

[paulault (imported)]

Hi Danya, you have been on hrt longer than i have, been 8 months aa's and 6 months E for me but i think you will find out like i have we don't see the changes because we see ourselves multiple times a day. I put together a few pictures of myself, one was from late 2007 before i started hrt and that clearly showed a very unhappy man, then i added a current one that showed a happy woman and when i printed it out and compared the pictures i was totally shocked at the changes that had occurred in such a short time, my avatar is how i look today. I'm not ft yet and was not planning on it till early 2010 however many people have seen something different in my looks but don't know what so i may be ft sooner than i think.

Paula.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Paula,

I know what you mean. I don't have a series of photos to cover the months since I started estrogen. I have one from my transition day at work (May 19, 2008), although I hadn't started estrogen then. I was happy with that one.

Then I have a few photos from the last month or two. When I compare those with the May photo, I see a noticeable difference that I really like. I hope that continues to improve.

Nearly all pictures I have of my former male self show the same type of unhappy person you describe. When I did smile for any of those pictures, I had to make a conscious effort to do so. Now, I'm smiling all the time.

Only you can decide when to go full-time, but going by your avatar I have to say you look very feminine. It's really cool when people notice the difference, isn't it?

I wish you the best of luck, Paula, now and whenever you decide to go full-time.

Hugs,

Maren