Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

One of the greatest sorrows in my life is lack of acceptance from my family. One of my brothers is extremely conservative both religiously and politically; the other may be somewhat less so. Watching the Diane Sawyer-Bruce Jenner interview reopened old feelings of loss for me. I agree with Bruce that folks of all politcal/religious beliefs can have issues understanding how anyone could posiliby be transgender. Accepting, even without understanding, is a problem for many. Yet I am hopeful that my brothers listened to the interview. The admission by Bruce ('her') that he is a Republican and a Christian might be a big help. Although it's been many years since we have spoken, just maybe they will begin to think differently. I won't get my hopes up. A few minutes ago, I was crying. Families can be such a blessing, with all their particular foibles, weaknesses and failings.

The interview was exceptionally well done. It was respectful, and Bruce ('her') was allowed to tell his own story. I was extremely pleased.

I very nearly put this post on my Facebook account. At least I got up the courage to comment about the interview on Facebook. It's very likely I will be running a home-based business soon, so I'm gradually losing my concerns about revealing I am transgender to potential employers. I have always wanted to be an advocate for trans* issues. Over the years, I've been a successful advocate for a few causes and found this very fulfilling.

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My pelvic pain is truly debilitating. It's been nearly 2 1/2 months since this episode of severe pain began. It has not let up. While I continue daily routines to help lessen the pain, nothing so far is offering any lasting relief. Although I'm reluctant to say 'it's OK anyway',' it truly is OK. After 3 1/2 years living with constant pain, I'm getting real about it. With some difficulty, I've accepted not just in my head but also in my heart how this limits my life and career. This makes my life easier as I'm not fighting my situation.

I'm not giving up, either. Although I have dropped certain career paths I'd love to pursue, such as teaching at a community college. And I cannot socialize as much as I'd like. But, I've got

many wonderful people in my life,

including some folks from this site. My husband 'D' continues to amaze me with his understanding and support. Life is still beautiful and good; I just need to modify my expectations and approach.

[Danya (imported)]

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a Happy Mother's Day card from my stepson and his wife. They were guests at our wedding and also were official witnesses. Apparently, they do not view me as the wicked stepmother! Life is good!

[Danya (imported)]

A week or so ago, I learned through LinkedIn that my only niece was married in March of this year. I would be lying if I were to say that my biological family no longer means much to me. Although we have not spoken in seven years, I found that news of the wedding brought up many memories of happy times together. Those all occurred during the years, decades really, before I transitioned.

What surprised me most was the intense sorrow I felt over missing this important milestone in my niece's and her parents' lives. That also kicked off intense regret over never having had a child of my own. When they were children, my niece and nephew seemed to be constantly fighting. With their parents' frequent answering yelling and screams, I remember feeling glad that I did not have children. The truth is, back then I did not feel I would make a good parent. It seems something just sort of a miracle that both 'kids' are now presumably mostly mature adults, in their mid to late 20s, with careers and independent lives.

Mama and Papa, so I also see from LinkedIn, remain successful. Although we are estranged, I have sent both brothers notes letting them know that I, too, am doing well. I have always included my latest contact information, should they want to reconnect. That has never happened. I must stop hoping that things between us will ever change.

[Danya (imported)]

In the early months of my transition, I occasionally experienced 'boob envy.' That ended as I became more comfortable in my 'new' body. After seeing Caitlyn Jenner's revealing Vanity Fair cover, however, I started feeling that somehow my own endowment was less than I'd like. It's not that I have ever felt embarrassed in public or even naked in a women's locker room. These renewed feelings of inadequacy may be tied to my now being married. 'D' has never said he is unhappy with what I've got and we have discussed my feelings. I doubt that I will pursue breast augmentation surgery, although 'D' says if it's what I really want he would be supportive. I'm concerned about surgery side effects, given my experience with SRS. There's also the expense. Then, too, I expect I will soon return to feeling happy with what I've got.

In early June, I started seeing a psychologist who specializes in pain management. He typically sees patients once a month. That's fine with me. Today was my second visit. I am impressed by his suggestions and insights. I'm going to check into acupuncture. He recommended several people who have helped pain patients through hypnosis. I'll give that a try, too. [Another psychologist told me that it sounded like I am able to perform self-hypnosis during my hour-long nightly relaxation-meditation sessions. Maybe someone more adept at hypnosis will be able to help.]

[_g (imported)]

In the early months of my transition, I occasionally experienced 'boob envy.' That ended as I became more comfortable in my 'new' body. After seeing Caitlyn Jenner's revealing Vanity Fair cover, however, I started feeling that somehow my own endowment was less than I'd like.

Clip.....

Just REMEMBER Caitlyn Jenner spent $Money$ like water. And Caitlyn Jenner boobs are not natural in any way, to short of time period to have natural breast growth! And to boot I was told Caitlyn Jenner did not have any bottom surgery (I do not know if this is true )

_g

[Danya (imported)]

Just REMEMBER Caitlyn Jenner spent $Money$ like water. And Caitlyn Jenner boobs are not natural in any way, to short of time period to have natural breast growth! And to boot I was told Caitlyn Jenner did not have any bottom surgery (I do not know if this is true )

_g

Absolutely, Caitlyn Jenner's experience is far removed from that of nearly all other trans* people. Caitlyn was on estrogen for a time, I think in the 1980s when she first attempted transitioning. She has stated that she had breast development during that time.

To my knowledge, she has not had sex reassignment surgery.

[Danya (imported)]

It's exciting to know that some of the Midwest MoM folks are arriving today. "D" and I will attend tomorrow night's festivities at Kristoff's place.

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After no two-way communication with my immediate family over the last 7 - 8 years, I'm going to attempt to start a real conversation again. I have contacted them several times over

the years but gotten no response. Once a month I se

e a psychologist who specializes in pain management. It happens that he was one of the co-founders of the university's Center for Human Sexuality, now a world-famous center for transgender counseling and treatment. He suggested ways that I might reopen talks between our (mine and their) opposing camps.

When I last visited one of my brothers, he judged me as mistaken in my identity, flawed and, perhaps, bound for hell. Part of the problem for him may well have been my exuberance over everything about the 'new' me. This was shortly before I actually transitioned. I was truly wrapped up in the evolution of my new (true) self. Anyway, those heady days at the start of my transition across genders ended several years ago. It may just yet be possible to gradually reopen communications with both brothers and their families by giving them updates on my life while avoiding all mention of gender identity. That's something they may confuse with sex. Sex is not something most people discuss with family. At any rate, whatever the outcome, attempting to restart communication, with the eventual goal of meeting, is worth the risk that I will hear nothing in return. Or, that one or both brothers will respond by rejecting me. I am strong enough to handle that.

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Over the last several months, I've been networking with a number of people to learn what they do and to seek their insights on what I might do as a new career. I had another of these meeting this morning, at a local coffee shop. As I prepared to go, I thought "I wish I were through with networking." It's not something I look forward to and, besides, I'd been unable to fit into two of my favorite business outfits. I'd hoped to wear one to the meeting.

Turns out I have gained 15 pounds in the last several months. Yikes! One of the pain control meds I take increases apetite, decreases metabolism, or both! This is not a good thing, particularly given my family history of heart disease and diabetes. I've cut the medication in half. Now I'm much less prone to binge eating.

So instead of wearing formal business attire, I arrived at the meeting wearing more casual, summer clothing. This was exactly how my business contact was dressed.

The most important result from the morning was that the meeting was very successful. I am very excited to be redirecting my fledgling business to include advocacy/education/training for trans* issues within certain business environments. That's all I can say about it hear, other than this is exactly what I've wanted to do for several years.

[Danya (imported)]

I am feeling down about the 2015 Midwest MoM finish. It was wonderful seeing a number of Archive friends again, and having the chance to talk and relax together.

[Danya (imported)]

I may have reached a point in my life where I am truly happy, most of the time anyway.

The longer I am married to "D" the happier I am. I've likely written this before - my current marriage is much saner than my first marriage (that ended long before I transitioned, after 20 years together). I cannot see how either my 'ex' or I lasted through two decades of marriage. Certainly "D" and I have disagreements which some times cause heated arguments. What I find, though, is that I don't have sufficient emotional investment in most of our arguments to let them last. One or the other of us fairly quickly calms down and we then have an adult conversation to work out the problem. I am very lucky to be married to "D".

My pain problem continues. Acupuncture was no help. Walking offers temporary relief of a few hours if I walk at least 3 miles. This was easy in the warm summer months. Thanks to our relatively warm fall, I've continued my walking. We have yet to have a hard freeze here in the city. I don't know about the 'burbs. Scattered fall colors remain along with the blossoms of begonias, marigolds, yellow cone flowers, morning glories, and zinnias. I will try to walk outside through the winter, although there will be some days when the wind chill make it unbearable. I can always use the treadmill.

Starting a new business has proven to be more difficult than I expected, although I'm still optimistic. These things take time.

So I have some challenges, although I welcome them. In a way, these barriers create a similar opportunity to what I faced in transitioning. Then, I had to let go of thinking and go with my feelings. It worked then and it is working now. My life is so good.

We're in the middle of a thunderstorm. Cooler weather will arrive tomorrow, but it's not expected to last long. We may not have our first hard freeze until just before Thanksgiving. This is very unusual for Minnesota.

One other thing. "D" and I stayed at a very nice hotel for as part of our first anniversary celebration. For the first time since my SRS over five years ago, I got a well lit and full-length view of my body. I loved what I saw. "D" reminded me that he's been loving my body, and telling me how good it is, ever since we got together. I'd like to lose 15 - 20 lbs. That may or may not happen. What counts most is that I can love the body I'm in today, without conditions.

[Danya (imported)]

I have received no response to the letters I sent to my two brothers a month or so ago. In both letters, I congratulated the family on the marriage of my niece (I learned of the marriage indirectly.) But I wasn't really respecting replies. One of my brothers birthdays is coming up soon. I will send a card. I will send Christmas cards, too.

How friends and families react to a transitioning loved one can be difficult to predict, although I expected my brothers would have issues with my own transition. Even at my advanced age, and many years living as an independent adult, family rejection is painful. I can only imagine how difficult it is for younger people who may be much more dependent on family for validation and support.

If I do not receive Christmas card replies to my cards, I likely will not contact my brothers again. Every time I send them something, I feel that I'm setting myself up for more disappointment if not outright pain. I will not continue to put myself in this position indefinitely. My pain management therapist tried to convince me that I can be like Ronald Reagan, the "Teflon" president. In his view, I can simply let my families (potential) negative reactions roll off my back. To an extent, I have been behaving this way for years with folks who seem to have a problem with me. With outsiders, their rejection does not matter to me. Although I cannot remember the last time I experienced a bad reaction from a friend or a stranger. I told my therapist that the Teflon approach is less effective with family. He told me that I am strong and able to handle negative family reactions. Perhaps I can, but my Teflon is worn and scratched after family rejection years ago over my transitioning.

[Danya (imported)]

I have received no response to the letters I sent to my two brothers a month or so ago. In both letters, I congratulated the family on the marriage of my niece (I learned of the marriage indirectly.) But I wasn't really expecting replies. One of my brothers birthdays is coming up soon. I will send a card. I will send Christmas cards, too.

How friends and families react to a transitioning loved one can be difficult to predict, although I expected my brothers would have issues with my own transition. Even at my advanced age, and many years living as an independent adult, family rejection is painful. I can only imagine how difficult it is for younger people who may be much more dependent on family for validation and support.

If I do not receive Christmas card replies to my cards, I likely will not contact my brothers again. Every time I send them something, I feel that I'm setting myself up for more disappointment if not outright pain. I will not continue to put myself in this position indefinitely. My pain management therapist tried to convince me that I can be like Ronald Reagan, the "Teflon" president. In his view, I can simply let my families (potential) negative reactions roll off my back. To an extent, I have been behaving this way for years with folks who seem to have a problem with me. With outsiders, their rejection does not matter to me. Although I cannot remember the last time I experienced a bad reaction from a friend or a stranger. I told my therapist that the Teflon approach is less effective with family. He told me that I am strong and able to handle negative family reactions. Perhaps I can, but my Teflon is worn and scratched after family rejection years ago over my transitioning.

I sent the Christmas cards to both brothers in early December. Here it is, with one mail delivery day before Christmas, and I have received no cards from my family. This is very painful.

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

Danya, I haven't experienced this yet but I fully expect to. Most of my family is scattered around the country. I don't see them very often so I have my letter written and I expect my remaining brother, a homophobic, red neck deputy sheriff to want nothing more to do with me. And as far as my wife's family, well my wife has already said if they disown us, too bad for them. The only ones I worry about are my son's family including my grandchildren and one of my cousins. He and I are less than three months apart in age and losing him would really hurt.

I'm sorry you going through this but sometimes, it's just better to cut your losses and walk away. It's easy to say they are the ones losing but in reality it's true.

[GenChick (imported)]

...

sometimes, it's just better to cut your losses and walk away. It's easy to say they are the ones losing but in reality it's true.

Very difficult decision to make during transition!

[GenChick (imported)]

I sent the Christmas cards to both brothers in early December. Here it is, with one mail delivery day before Christmas, and I have received no cards from my family. This is very painful.

Keep your chin up sister! Accept warm wishes and happy Merry Christmas from me!

[jcat (imported)]

Hi Danya,

You have a great family here, we love you. Merry Christmas from JCat!

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, I haven't experienced this yet but I fully expect to. Most of my family is scattered around the country. I don't see them very often so I have my letter written and I expect my remaining brother, a homophobic, red neck deputy sheriff to want nothing more to do with me. And as far as my wife's family, well my wife has already said if they disown us, too bad for them. The only ones I worry about are my son's family including my grandchildren and one of my cousins. He and I are less than three months apart in age and losing him would really hurt.

I'm sorry you going through this but sometimes, it's just better to cut your losses and walk away. It's easy to say they are the ones losing but in reality it's true.

Hi Hopeful1,

Your wife sounds like a gem! I hope things go well with your son's family and cousin.

The hardest part for me is my Texas brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. My California brother is extremely conservative, religiously and politically. I never thought there was much hope with him.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I agree that it is time to walk away. Actually, I've been through this with them before. I was hoping, probably naively, that with time (almost 8 years) they might have moder

ated their views. I do not plan to contact them again.

Keep your chin up sister! A

ccept warm wishes and happy Merry Christmas from me!

Hi GenChick,

Thanks for

your warm thoughts and Christmas greeting! I love Christmas and I'm lucky to hav

e my husband to share it with.

Hi Danya,

You have a great family here, we love you. Merry Christmas from JCat!

Hi jcat,

You are so right--I have a terrific family here. My love to you and everyone here and I wish everyone a Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday and good things in 2016.

[Danya (imported)]

A friend wrote to me saying that family is defined by those you love and those who love you. Family is not biologically determined. My friend is right. It is my chosen family that is important in my life.

I had given up on my biological family six years ago and was fine with that. My mistake was in listening to a psychologist who thinks that aging may have moderated my siblings' views. That may happen someday. If it does, they know how to contact me. I will never again put myself through the trauma of contacting them, hoping for a positive response, and hearing nothing. Just silence, not even a "go to hell" or "we never want to hear from you again."

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'D' and I took a mini-vacation as our Christmas present to each other. We spent three nights in a suburban hotel that has a two-person Jacuzzi in each room. This was very relaxing. Each night, we tried a different restaurant that looked interesting. We saw the movie "Spotlight" in a theater. It was one of the finest movies we have seen, tackling an important, sensitive subject well. Michael Keaton was superb as the editor of "Spotlight". We watched another fine movie in the room: "The Martian."

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I've been working with my church to incorporate a welcome to gender diverse people in the congregation's welcome statement. After more than a year of my bugging the pastors about this, we finally have a working group (I am co-chair) to pull everything together. This includes providing gender-neutral restrooms; presenting awareness training for the congregation through an adult forum that will include a panel of MTF, genderqueer, and FTM persons; holding a five-week Wednesday night discussion group; and screening and discussing a movie (perhaps "Transparent). Our goal is to have the new welcome statement approved by the congregation in late spring.

All the pastors agree that if the vote were held tomorrow, it would easily pass. They are rightly concerned, however, that the congregation be aware of the complexities of trans* lives and what it takes for trans* folks to feel welcome when they have so often been rejected by religious institutions. I am very pleased to be part of this advocacy work on behalf of my trans* brothers and sisters.

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My new work-at-home business venture is slowly getting off the ground. I have been accepted as a remote contract worker by an off-shore company. I will not count on them to provide all of my work. It's important that I have a diverse set of clients so that if one closes shop, my entire business won't fail, too.

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

Danya, good for you working within your church. I was lucky as when I started attending my church, our Parish Associate was the first minister within our denomination to maintain her ordination after transitioning and surgery. Our congregation certainly understood transgender. Sometimes though, welcoming churches overlook that some transgender people can't come to church dressed. I don't know the possibilities at your church but some churches try open the doors an hour early and provide space to allow trans people time to get in and dress.

[GenChick (imported)]

...

I've been working with my church to incorporate a welcome to gender diverse people in the congregation's welcome statement. After more than a year of my bugging the pastors about this, we finally have a working group (I am co-chair) to pull everything together. This includes

gender-neutral restrooms, additional awareness training of

the congregation through an adult forum that will include a panel of MTF, genderqueer, and FTM persons, a five-week Wednesday night discussion group

and screening of a movie (perhaps "Transparent) in April

. Our goal is to have the new welcome statement approved by the congreation in May.

All the pastors agree that if the vote were held tomorrow, it would easily pass. They are rightly concerned, however, that the congregation be aware of the complexities of trans lives and what it takes for trans* folks to feel welcome when they have so often been rejected by religious institutions. I am very pleased to be part of this advocacy work on behalf of my trans* brothers and sisters. ...

What church denominations is your church?

[GenChick (imported)]

..

. Sometimes though, welcoming churches overlook that some transgender people can't come to church dressed. I don't know the possibilities at your church but some churches try open the doors an hour early and provide space to allow trans people time to get in and dress.

I am confused... Please, explain!

[Paolo]

I'm sure they don't all show up naked.

[Danya (imported)]

As a birthday treat, I will go to a movie early this afternoon. 'D' was a little surprised that I am fine going out by myself! I'd like to see "The Danish Girl", a film about a transgender pioneer. Seems it's also a love story. I may wait to see this until 'D' can accompany me, so I can lean on his shoulder if I wind up crying [I cry when I am happy or deeply moved.] The movie has received raves from critics

I will respond to recent member posts here later today or tomorrow.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, good for you working within your church. I was lucky as when I started attending my church, our Parish Associate was the first minister within our denomination to maintain her ordination after transitioning and surgery. Our congregation certainly understood transgender. Sometimes though, welcoming churches overlook that some transgender people can't come to church dressed. I don't know the possibilities at your church but some churches try open the doors an hour early and provide space to allow trans people time to get in and dress.

Most members of my congregation are very progressive, as are all of the pastors. Both 'D' and I feel very much at home there. Your point about providing a place for trans* people to change clothing to dress as themselves is excellent. I hadn't thought of this. Than

k you! I will bring it up at our next commi

ttee meeting.

What church denominations is your church?

This is an Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA). The ELCA is generally fairly progressive, although there are certainly fairly conservative ELCA congregations. Note: There are other American

branches of the Lutheran church that a

re more conservative than the ELCA.

I am confused... Please, explain!

I'm sure they don't all show up naked.

Many trans* folk prefer to dress differently from what is expected for the sex they were assigned at birth. Some of them dress as their chosen sex/gender only in spaces they know to be safe from harassment or worse.

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

I am confused... Please, explain!

By that I mean trans people who are not full time and can't, for various reasons, leave home dressed as their real self. By allowing time and space to change clothes, welcoming churches can encourage people to dress as their true gender.

[Danya (imported)]

Thank God my husband 'D' wanted to see "The Danish Girl" with me. The film was simultaneously cathartic and devastating. Near its end, I was sobbing as I held tightly to 'D's' hand. What I write below is based on memories that film stirred up. If you want to see the movie, you may not want to read further.

When I contacted my PhD adviser over a year ago, he had not heard from me since I graduated in 1996. That was in my pre-transition days. By the time we spoke a year ago, it had been about 5 years since I transitioned on the job.The first thing he said was that he'd heard I was dead. I was so startled, I didn't know what to say. I might have asked where he'd heard such a thing. I suspect now that my ex-spouse was in touch with my Texas brother and his family. TX likely said they viewed my former self as being dead. This conclusion fits with some other pieces of my story. My ex, who lives near the university, then told someone there that I was/am dead. I'm OK with that! At least one person at the university now knows that I am, after all, alive. The film showed loving people coping with very difficult circumstances.

I don't remember writing here about complications of my SRS surgery. Back then, a friend on this site wrote that I'd needed a unit of blood. That is correct. There was another complication however and this second complication may have been the trigger for my ongoing pelvic pain. I'll never know the answer to that and, at this point, it really doesn't matter. Even with the pain, I am happy I had the surgery although I certainly would have preferred a pain-free outcome. I may write about this second complication another time. All surgery has a risk of complications. The movie brought back memories of trying to cope with surgery complications mostly on my own. I was too out of it from pain killer to know better.

As we left the theater, I heard a young heterosexual couple discussing the movie. The young woman told her friend that it was interesting and really made you think. I later told 'D' that it would be nice if my relatives were so open to new ways of looking at people. He responded that the way people react to films like this is likely tied to how liberal or conservative they are. I doubt that this works as a blanket statement but suspect there is some truth in it. It fits my family, anyway. Particularly my CA brother. After the movie, I did a Google search on the title. I landed on a right-leaning site. The author claimed that no one was showing the opposing "Christian" view, which really irritated me. I hate it when anyone claims they, or their church, or their denomination is speaking for God.

We stopped at Target on the way home. The female cashier told 'D' that since I was all dolled up, he should take me someplace nice for dinner. He is doing just that.