Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

I see my pain-management psychologist once a month. At my most recent visit last week, our conversation once again turned to my biological 'family.' He thinks I should continue to attempt to connect with them at unspecified longish intervals. I cannot do that. Every time I try, I am opening myself up for more pain when they do not respond. My chosen family, here and elsewhere, is what's important to me.

I'm losing sleep over thoughts of trying again to connect with those I likely share a significant amount of DNA with. If my discussion with this psychologist were not about these 'bio people,' but rather a similarly distressing 'unrelated' topic over which I have no control, I would quickly call an end to the conversation. I might decide to find a new therapist, too. Repeatedly trying to connect with my siblings is like continuing to pursue an unrequited love. I'm being ambushed by the therapist's repeated appeals to my never verbalized desire to be loved (and, at last, accepted for who I am today) by the sibs. That's not going to happen. Ever.

I will give this psychologist one more chance, only because I found it very difficult to find a psychologist specializing in pain management who was accepting new patients. I will go into the session prepared to cut off any discussion of my genetically-related humans. But if he repeatedly tries to bring the conversation around to my un-family, I will get up and leave (after telling him why.)

It helps so much to write!

[Danya (imported)]

Each evening right after dinner, 'D' and I spend 10 - 15 minutes discussing our day and any concerns we have about our relationship. Last night, I described my problems with my pain management psychologist. 'D', who has a bachelor's degree in psychology, quickly responded that I should tell the guy my concerns and then dump him. I agree!

I probably spend far too much time trying to figure out the 'why' behind my reactions on certain subjects. Like my biological family. In that case, however, I know why I react negatively to suggestions that I should try connecting with them yet another time. This goes back to my parents' emotional abandonment of 'little Danya' and the fact that I had to fake it as a child and young adult. I knew I could not let them know who I really was or they would reject me. It was only when my father died that I felt liberated to be me. My California brother reacts to 'Danya' as my father would, only more so. My TX brother is, perhaps, more accepting. At least he would not reject me verbally. He would simply refuse to talk about my life as it is. His wife is his gate keeper. She wants to filter what he hears so minimize the chance of his learning anything that might be the least bit uncomfortable to consider. Six years ago, I concluded that there was no way 'Danya' would be accepted by either brother unless I pretended to be my pre-transition self. I cannot do that.

They know that I am always open to hearing from them. The door is open, all they need do is walk in. Perhaps as they grow older, they will view me differently although I doubt it.

[Dave (imported)]

E...

They know that I am always open to hearing from them. The door is open, all they need do is walk in. Perhaps as they grow older, they will view me differently although I doubt it.

That is all you can do. That's all I can say.

However "they" want to live is up to them. It isn't your fault or your burden to make them change.

I know that hurts because I have some relatives who never seek out the family and never phone or call or even send Christmas or birthday cards.

I know this sounds rough but it took me a long time to understand that.

There is a world out there that simply flows around us and that we need not interact with.

This is not a simple thing to put into words. I know it but I have never said it:

Our lives are like boats in a giant ocean. They are on their own journey. I know that is a hackneyed metaphor but you can no more change parts of the real world than you can change the paths of the other boats on that metaphorical ocean.

My Mother used to assemble the family for holidays and it was torture to get the gang together. It was like some did not want to be there and tried hard to make it impossible. I will not invest the emotional energy to get them all together. Some of them have not spoken to me since my Mother's funeral and it is like they don't want the family or the brothers and sisters they were raised with.

I can't change that and I won't try. I do wonder and think about it but I leave that emotional baggage to them.

I can't take that burden on myself when the actions are theirs.

I don't know it that helps.

[Danya (imported)]

That is all you can do. That's all I can say.

However "they" want to live is up to them. It isn't your fault or your burden to make them change.

I know that hurts because I have some relatives who never seek out the family and never phone or call or even send Christmas or birthday cards.

I know this sounds rough but it took me a long time to understand that.

I don't know it that helps.

Thank you for taking the time to share your own experience. It does help, a lot.

I think I am back to a realistic view of my biological family. At the very least, I feel at peace about them and their lack of communication.

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As I moved from place to place, renting a room in people's houses, from early 2010 through late 2012 I gradually gave up a number of possessions. This included leaving behind a large number of classical music CDs that I treasured. I lost the energy to keep moving it all. My birthday present from 'D' was a gift certificate for Amazon. I used that to replace many of the CDs I'd left behind including the complete solo piano works of Brahms. These arrived today. I'm in heaven listening to some of these now. I'm still hopeful that someday my pain will lessen enough so that I can again play Brahms.

[Danya (imported)]

My husband "D" and I recently returned from a very relaxing warm-weather destination vacation. We chose this spot in part so that "D" could check it out as a possible place for a move. I've been there before and like it. Now "D" does, too. My pelvic pain was greatly reduced in the warm weather. Feeling very relaxed likely helped. too. We won't make a move/stay decision until late this year or in 2017. I've told several medical-type folks about how well I did on this trip. Every one said we should consider moving to this spot for an improved lifestyle.

We have reasons not to move. We continue to make new friends here, we both like the church we attend and I'm starting a new business that may perform better here.

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I'

ve abandoned my latest idea for a scientifically-oriented business because it is too deadline driven. My pelvic pain is unpredictable and there are times when I need to spend a day or two in bed to get the pain under control. The new business includes something I am passionate about: trans* advocacy. At the suggestion of a friend, I have applied for membership in WPATH (The World Association for Transgender Health). Perhaps naively, I'm going for full membership, which seems to mean you have significant experience working with trans* folks in some capacity. My experience is being a live and breathing MtF trans* woman and advocating for trans* inclusion in several church-related organizations. I'm also a co-author on one of the papers mentioned on this site that describes Standards of Care for those with a Eunuch gender identity. The new business will be driven by my self-imposed deadlines rather than external ones.

Just got an email from WPATH. They're notifying me that they have my application. I should allow 4 weeks for my application to be reviewed. I'm hopeful that if I don't qualify for full membership I will be offered supporting membership.

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Almost two years ago, I started pestering the pastors of my church to add a specific welcome for trans* folks to the existing welcome statement. That includes sexual orientation but no mention of trans* folks or gender identity and gender expression. An early result of my advocacy is that the church added gender identity and gender expression to their non-discrimination statement in the hiring manual. After that, they added trans* health benefits to the employee medical plan. I've led two forums on trans* lives. Both were very well attending and well received. During late February to late March, I led a series of five book studies on what it means to be transgender. The congregation will vote on the suggested welcome statement (including gender identity and gender expression) soon. The changes are expected to easily pass.

I am very pleased with how all of this has worked and my role in creating this change.

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When I spoke with a friend yesterday, I felt very low on energy. Turns out I'd neglected to take my testosterone supplement! :-\ Without it, my T level is lower than that of natal women of a similar age. While I am not happy with the increased body hair growth caused by the T, I need to use it much more regularly.

[Danya (imported)]

My application for WPATH membership was approved in one day! WPATH had indicated the application review time would take four weeks.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Congratulations! Good news, indeed. --FLO--

[JesusA]

My application for WPATH membership was approved in one day! WPATH had indicated the application review time would take four weeks.

Congratulations. Welcome aboard. I'm sure they immediately saw your qualifications and how you could add to the organization.

[Danya (imported)]

Congratulations! Good news, indeed. --FLO--

Congratulations. Welcome aboard. I'm sure they immediately saw your

qualifications and how you could add to the organization.

Thanks Uncle Flo and Jesus!

Over the last week, I was reminded of something important for both my life and the success of the new business. I need to get out and meet with people. I'm much more social now than before I transitioned. Getting out for a book club this morning was good. I also need to meet with folks who are interested in the (eventual) products of my business. Not only to network but also to learn. If I stay home all week I get cabin fever and my work suffers.

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

Almost two years ago, I started pestering the pastors of my church to add a specific welcome for trans* folks to the existing welcome statement. That includes sexual orientation but no mention of trans* folks or gender identity and gender expression. An early result of my advocacy is that the church added gender identity and gender expression to their non-discrimination statement in the hiring manual. After that, they added trans* health benefits to the employee medical plan. I've led two forums on trans* lives. Both were very well attending and well received. During late February to late March, I led a series of five book studies on what it means to be transgender. The congregation will vote on the suggested welcome statement (including gender identity and gender expression) soon. The changes are expected to easily pass.

I am very pleased with how all of this has worked and my role in creating this change.

Wonderful to hear. My church that accepted me in 2000 as a member despite knowing I'm transgender, ordained me an Elder in 2001 despite knowing I'm transgender had it's last service this past Sunday. The Presbytery closed us because we were so small. Now my wife and I have to find a new church but we've been invited to another church where the pastor has called for transgender acceptance from the pulpit during a sermon.

Congratulations on the WPATH acceptance.

[Mac (imported)]

Wonderful to hear. My church that accepted me in 2000 as a member despite knowing I'm transgender, ordained me an Elder in 2001 despite knowing I'm transgender had it's last service this past Sunday. The Presbytery closed us because we were so small. Now my wife and I have to find a new church but we've been invited to another church where the pastor has called for transgender acceptance from the pulpit during a sermon.

Congratulations on the WPATH acceptance.

A similar situation has been taking place at my church. Our female pastor has been promoting our church to lesbian women for the past few years. Due to our financial position and her views falling into disfavor with several of the members she recently resigned. Our church is currently being run by an administrative commission and I am concerned that their ultimate goal is to close our church and take possession of a large restricted fund left by a former member.

[Danya (imported)]

Wonderful to hear. My church that accepted me in 2000 as a member despite knowing I'm transgender, ordained me an Elder in 2001 despite knowing I'm transgender had it's last service this past Sunday. The Presbytery closed us because we were so small. Now my wife and I have to find a new church but we've been invited to another church where the pastor has called for transgender acceptance from the pulpit during a sermon.

Congratulations on the WPATH acceptance.

Hi Hopeful1,

Have you and your wife had a chance to try the transgender welcoming church that invited you? I hope you find another church you are both happy with.

We're fortunate in that our church is relatively large, at over two thousand members, and growing. And we have at least 1 baptism every two - three weeks. Yesterday there were three baptisms.

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I'm in a quandary this afternoon. I just got a call from the university I worked at for over 2 1/2 years. That ended middle of last year when I was laid off, something I knew would happen when I took that job. Turns out my position has been reopened--technically this is a "call back." I can return without interviewing. This is a permanent opportunity.

I'm feeling down just thinking about returning. The pay was good and the benefits were excellent. My boss was terrific. There are major minuses to resuming the job:

1. I didn't like the work, although the job might now have somewhat different responsibilities.

2. I left the job a few months before the official lay-off because my pelvic pain was severe day in and day out.

Although I can't be absolutely certain, I don't think my pain situation would be much improved should I return to the job. My pain is still often severe and particularly bad if I go to several church meetings and a church service within a week. Being at work every day would likely be worse than that.

In addition, if I go back I will need to largely abandon my idea for a trans* advocacy business. We'd also need to abandon the idea of moving to a much warmer climate. Cold winter weather dramatically worsens my pain.

I should know better by now, but I'm still surprised that writing here helps clear my mind.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

First, take care of yourself, if you do not you can't possibly fulfill any of your fine aims. --FLO--

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

Hi Hopeful1,

Have you and your wife had a chance to try the transgender welcoming church that invited you? I hope you find another church you are both happy with.

We're fortunate in that our church is relatively large, at over two thousand members, and growing. And we have at least 1 baptism every two - three weeks. Yesterday there were three baptisms.

We haven't yet. This week some of us met at a coffee shop around the corner from the church and kind of decompressed. We also had a Kenyan Presbyterian Fellowship meeting in our sanctuary and the Presbytery is letting them stay until December. We are all going to visit them this Sunday. Then next Sunday we are visiting another Presbyterian church that's pretty accepting. I believe my therapist still goes there and, as the first ever Presbyterian minister to maintain ordination after transition and surgery, she's pretty much OUT! The church that invited us is a good distance on the other side of downtown Atlanta. Or as we would say locally, "it's a pretty fer piece."

[Danya (imported)]

....

I'm in a quandary this afternoon. I just got a call from the university I worked at for over 2 1/2 years. That ended middle of last year when I was laid off, something I knew would happen when I took that job. Turns out my position has been reopened--technically this is a "call back." I can return without interviewing. This is a permanent opportunity.

I'm feeling down just thinking about returning. The pay was good and the benefits were excellent. My boss was terrific. There are major minuses to resuming the job:

1. I didn't like the work, although the job might now have somewhat different responsibilities.

2. I left the job a few months before the official lay-off because my pelvic pain was severe day in and day out.

Although I can't be absolutely certain, I don't think my pain situation would be much improved should I return to the job. My pain is still often severe and particularly bad if I go to several church meetings and a church service within a week. Being at work every day would likely be worse than that.

In addition, if I go back I will need to largely abandon my idea for a trans* advocacy business. We'd also need to abandon the idea of moving to a much warmer climate. Cold winter weather dramatically worsens my pain.

I should know better by now, but I'm still surpris

ed that writing here helps clear my mind.

First, take care of yourself, if you do not you c

an't possibly fulfill any of your fine aims. --FLO--

Thank you for your wise words, Uncle Flo.

After discussing the pros and cons with my husband, I decided not to take the permanent job. I had requested the job description. Reading that showed me that I would have disliked the new responsibilities even more the the old ones. My main reason for turning it down, however, is my pain. I cannot control it well enough to take on a regular job.

While I'm fine with my decision, and so is my husband, I need to get cracking on getting the new business started. That should be fun!

[Danya (imported)]

I'm excited that I've found a 'co-conspirator' for my new business. He's someone I met through church who has his own business helping and guiding leaders and organizations that want to have a positive social impact. Just like me! We are exchanging ideas and tips on how to go about all this. It's great to have a friend to bounce ideas of of.

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

I'm

trying to get back into the habit of practicing the piano and organ regularly. This afternoon I worked my way through Chopin's Ballade #4, one of my favorite piano works. It was tough going; I haven't practiced this regularly in at least 7 years. I need to slowly work up to longer practice times to limit increase in my pelvic pain.

[quote="Danya

(imported)" time=1275015480]
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[/quote]


After 4 or 5 days of temperatures far above normal, spring has definitely arrived in Minnesota. Just in the last two or three days many tress and bushes are greening up. I saw some early tulips blooming this afternoon.

[_g (imported)]

clip..................

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After 4 or 5 days of temperatures far above normal, spring has definitely arrived in Minnesota. Just in the last

two or three days many tress and bushes are greening up. I saw some early tulips blooming this afternoon.

Tulips are about gone here, we had an early start of spring in the Pacific Norhtwest

_g

[Danya (imported)]

Tulips are about gone here, we had an early start of spring in the Pacific Norhtwest

_g

Hi _g,

The tulips were glorious this weekend at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. The lilacs are in full bloom and wonderfully fragrant. We've had a bit of an early spring here, too.

I've been to Portland, OR in February and was surprised to see huge camellias (looked like small trees) in full bloom. Early spring bloomers were in flower, too. I love the Pacific Northwest.

[quote="Danya (imported)" tim
[/qu

ote]
e=1275015480]
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I am sticking with my intention to practice the piano (fairly) regularly. This afternoon I will practice the pipe organ for a few hours. I find when I play either piano or organ that I become so involved with the music that my pelvic pain temporarily disappears. How wonderful! Just yester

day I learned that I get the same effect from listening intently to music I love w

hile resting on the sofa.

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____________________________

My business 'partner' and I will meet tomorrow over coffee. We both gain valuable information from these visits and they are fun besides. He put me on track to find a web platform that is ideal for selling training materials. Each products can include a video, podcast, transcript of the video, exercise questions and a blog specific to that product. The overall website on this platform has a larger blog capability. There are lots of other capabilities that I'm just learning about. Like hosting live interactive sessions with users and potential users to get feedback on what's right with products and what changes would improve them. This is a way of improving each product while selling it. Very powerful.

[Danya (imported)]

Thursday September 2, 2021

I have been thinking of posting an update for months. Then a friend at the 2021 MoM encouraged me to do so. For several days I've been wracking my brain about what to write. Finally, and more reasonably, I decided to stop thinking of writing and simply write the way I used to here: just wing it!

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In my last post, I wrote about meeting with a business 'partner'. R was more of a very effective business coach who for some reason provided his services free to me. We ended the coaching on good terms when I found my chronic pelvic pain, a result of SRS, was too severe to be able to start a business. R and I remain good friends.

The same pain caused me to give up practicing the piano and pipe organ regularly.

In 2018, I had surgery to implant the recently FDA approved DRG (Dorsal Root Ganglion stimulator including a subdermal battery to power it). By surgically placing leads from the battery to the appropriate DRG next to my spinal cord, pain signals from my pelvis would be interfered with. It works! But it's not perfect, as the manufacturer admits. So I continue daily physical therapy exercises.

Another big help is dry needling, in which a physical therapist places fine needles into tight bundles of muscles (trigger points) and then applies a small voltage. It's very effective! And a fairly recent development in the US, at least.

[Prior to DRG surgery, I was required by my health insurance company to have a psychological evaluation to determine if I was a good candidate for the surgery. One of the questions the psychologist asked was if my pain caused me to regret SRS surgery. I responded with a firm 'no.' He shot back with a firm 'good.' The fact is I have not once complained to anyone that I wish I'd not had SRS. SRS was essential for my psychological health.]

While I'm seldom p

ain-free, the amount of my pain (yes, I've been told

I must 'own' the pain ) is greatly reduced. Yay!

[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1438799820]
[quote="Danya (imported)" time=127

5015480]
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After DRG implant surgery, I was able to resume daily piano practice of 3 - 4 hours. My church (our congregation is a very progressive congregation of the progressive Evangelical Lutheran Church in America [ELCA]. Note: I consider myself an agnostic while culturally being a very progressive Lutheran. Note 2: By calling the ELCA progressive, I am not endorsing all ELCA churches as being progressive.

Some remain rather conservative.) will be getting a n

ew, improved pipe organ within the next year. I'll b

e able to practice it. Can't wait!

I'm also again considering starting a remote

business.

Without major pain reduction, none of this would have been possible.

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D and I will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary in 11 days. Two members of the EA attended our wedding! We still feel like newlyweds in some ways, although we are elderly newlyweds. We both continue to learn more about each other. D is a seemingly endless source of stories about his youth, first marriage, and son. (my stepson!). We increasingly realize what great matches we are for each other and how fortunate we are to be together.

We argue occassionally but it never becomes a long, dragged out affair. One or both of us winds up apologizing and the argument is gone. This is very different from arguments in my first marriage. I am much happier with D than I was back then. D is simila

rly much happier than he was in his first marriage.

We continue to read to each other every night, an activity that is quite intimate to us.

Something else w

e do in the early evening is watch an educational video together, which we

typically discuss once it's finished.

But make no mistake, D has interests that are totally different from mine. That's a good thing.

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I may post more updates 'going forward' (as if one could 'go backward' ). What surprises me with this post is I found it just as therapeutic all the earlier ones.

I wish everyone well, wherever you are in your journeys through life.

[Paolo]

It was great seeing you at the MOM! Glad to see you, and to see the update.

[Danya (imported)]

Friday August 3

, 2021

I have been thinking of posting an update for months. Then a friend at the 2021 MoM encouraged me to do so. For several days I've been wracking my brain about what to write. Finally, and more reasonably, I decided to stop thinking of writing and simply write the way I used to here: just wing it!

After posting my last post, I realized I'd left a number of topics out. Things like:

How it's been a number of years now that I've felt very settled in my gender identity of female.

Perhaps to include: how D and I 'met' on my return from Chicago.

Why I'd like to work again after being retired for some time.

Other relevant, or even irrelevant, topics.

I will post more soon.

[kristoff]

Friday August 3, 2021

After posting my last post, I realized I'd left a number of topics out. Things like:

How it's been a number of years now that I've felt very settled in my gender identity of female.

Perhaps to include: how D and I 'met' on my return from Chicago.

Why I'd like to work again after being retired for some time.

Other relevant, or even irrelevant, topics.

I will post more soon.

Watch out ! I may come up with some more topics..... Maybe yours, maybe mine....

[Danya (imported)]

It was great seeing you at the MOM! Glad to see you, and to see the update.

It was great s

eeing you, too, Paolo! It's been too long!

Watch out ! I may come up with some mor

e topics..... Maybe yours, maybe mine....

All I can say, kristoff, is bring it on! With the proviso that as the creator of this thread I will have final say as to topics here. I expect very little will be off limits and I'd love to hear your ideas.

[Danya (imported)]

Monday September 20, 2021

Right now, there is the welcome sound of thunder and a downpour. We've been way below normal rainfall for a few months.

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I'm

still struggling with the extreme tiredness from the newest drug I'm on to control my hand tremor. Initially, caffeine worked well to give me lots of energy while not, as it does with my other two hand tremor meds, worsening t[quote="D

anya (imported)" time=1462804800]
he tremor. It was great! It no longer works so well. [quote="Dan

ya (imported)" time=146109
[/quote]
9600]
I'll speak with my neurologist about this in a month.

[quote="[quote="Danya (imported)" ti
[/quote]
me=1438799820]
Danya (imported)" time=1275015480]
[/quote]

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After DRG im
[/quote]
plant surgery, I

was able to resume daily piano practice... I hope to play at one of my church's recitals f

eaturing multiple musicians, probably a Brahms Capriccio from Op. 117.

[quote="Danya (imp

orted)" time=1275015480]
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Soon I will describe a number of li

fe obstacles I needed to overcome before I was able to transition genders. I suspect the

se barriers are or were present for a number of folks here so those posts may appeal to an audience beyond transgender folks.

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Sorry to say, thunder and rain have stopped.

[Danya (imported)]

Monday September 20, 2021

I hope to play at one of my church's recitals f

eaturing multiple musicians, probably a Brahms Capriccio from Op. 117.

The correct opus number is 116 (no. 7), not 117. There are no Capricci in Op. 117.

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I just deleted the start of an essay based on this post's title. It would have been too revealing about my personal life. Although it's unlikely that anyone I know in "

real" (i.e., non-EA) life would read it, I want to be

sure I avoid potential hurt to anyone.

What follows

is an edited, condensed version of my original essay.

[quote="Da

nya (imp

orted)" time=1275015480]
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No matte

r how I attempt to write on the title subject, I find

I provide more personal info than I want to share.

There is an unacceptable risk of hurting others. I also find my own

emotions stirred up in unpleasant ways.

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I will end this period of thread updates for now. I may return at a later date to provide more updates.